The
Monkey Cage11/27 2009
Today's blog is dedicated to yer Mama. All silly repeats today.
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Signs you may be in a nasty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it in human shit with their finger
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I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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I think one part of the Americana Hobo history that doesn't get glorified (or even mentioned) is the days when the hobos on the train would gather in the box car and suck each other's wine/urine/sweat smelling nasty hobo cocks.
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I think back in the old days if your friends showed up at your house and said "You wanna go get stoned?" - you'd have to be careful..."You mean....with rocks?" you better ask.
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If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.
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I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.
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Signs you may be in a nasty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it in human shit with their finger
---------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
---------------------------------
I think one part of the Americana Hobo history that doesn't get glorified (or even mentioned) is the days when the hobos on the train would gather in the box car and suck each other's wine/urine/sweat smelling nasty hobo cocks.
----------------------------------
I think back in the old days if your friends showed up at your house and said "You wanna go get stoned?" - you'd have to be careful..."You mean....with rocks?" you better ask.
--------------------------------
If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.
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I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.
11/15/06 - Butterbean returns
I realized it's been many mango seasons since I've told the infamous story of Butterbean - long-time readers I KNOW it's one of your favorite Monkey stories - and so I tell it again this Wednesday morning. And if it's a new story to you, you'll enjoy sipping your morning coffee while reading it - I feel sure. Gather around children, and listen to the tale of Butterbean:
I had a redneck friend growing up that had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean"
WHY did they call him Butterbean?
Because he made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried anal sex. He said everything was cool until he pulled it out and found an actual real-life butterbean stuck on the end of his dick.
From this day forward this guy was forever known as "Butterbean - I don't even remember what his real name WAS.
Guys - don't tell your buddies stuff like that - okay?
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I had a redneck friend growing up that had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean"
WHY did they call him Butterbean?
Because he made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried anal sex. He said everything was cool until he pulled it out and found an actual real-life butterbean stuck on the end of his dick.
From this day forward this guy was forever known as "Butterbean - I don't even remember what his real name WAS.
Guys - don't tell your buddies stuff like that - okay?
11/13/07
Today's blog is dedicated to Glen Campbell, when I was a little Monkey, my mother just LOVED Glen Campbell, and I didn't really get it. Now I hear some of his music and say "Wow!" Thanks Mama! Half new today!
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If I were a cat, instead of covering my poop in my litter box with the littr, I'd scratch and throw my poop outside of the litter box! I'd bet my owners would think this gag was HILARIOUS!
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If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course REALLY I’d be ready to get up and pray with them – but this would be a great way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.)
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So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!? (But I went out anyway like a good Monkey)
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Ladies, when we're eating your pussies here's the deal: have the pillow down there IMMEDIATELY for us to prop under your ass for better access to your sweetness - don't make us waste precious seconds by having to ask for it.
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So Saturday night I told that hot bartender lady that I really wanted to have sex on the beach, and she brought me a drink, so I took my drink down to the beach and waited for her all night but she never showed up. Bitch.
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I think it would suck if you were one of those Nazi dudes and you had the arm band SS insignia patch and your dumb blonde wife Gertrude had accidently sewn it on sideways and it said "MM", and you were meeting with Hitler in a meeting that very morning, Hitler wouldn't be amused and he'd yell and scream "What the fuck ist dis!!!? Was IST DIS!!?"
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If I were a cat, instead of covering my poop in my litter box with the littr, I'd scratch and throw my poop outside of the litter box! I'd bet my owners would think this gag was HILARIOUS!
---------------------------------
If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course REALLY I’d be ready to get up and pray with them – but this would be a great way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.)
---------------------------------
So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!? (But I went out anyway like a good Monkey)
--------------------------------
Ladies, when we're eating your pussies here's the deal: have the pillow down there IMMEDIATELY for us to prop under your ass for better access to your sweetness - don't make us waste precious seconds by having to ask for it.
---------------------------------
So Saturday night I told that hot bartender lady that I really wanted to have sex on the beach, and she brought me a drink, so I took my drink down to the beach and waited for her all night but she never showed up. Bitch.
----------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were one of those Nazi dudes and you had the arm band SS insignia patch and your dumb blonde wife Gertrude had accidently sewn it on sideways and it said "MM", and you were meeting with Hitler in a meeting that very morning, Hitler wouldn't be amused and he'd yell and scream "What the fuck ist dis!!!? Was IST DIS!!?"
Monkey Birthday
Today's blog is dedicated to you - putting up with repeats yet again.
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
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If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
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The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
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How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.
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If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get by nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she'd jump but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd make those really cool clicking sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.
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If I ran a dildo manufacturing factory when I fired people I'd say - "You just don't know dick"
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I was in a bar the other night where they have those young beautiful bouncing "barely-legal" eye candy bartenders and she brings me a drink she'd invented for me to try. I take a sip - it sucked. (But of course I told the poor thing it was "Great!") and asked the name - get this now - "Citron My Face"
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!
---------------------------------
If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
---------------------------------
If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
----------------------------------
The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
--------------------------------
How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.
---------------------------------
If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get by nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she'd jump but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd make those really cool clicking sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.
---------------------------------
If I ran a dildo manufacturing factory when I fired people I'd say - "You just don't know dick"
----------------------------------
I was in a bar the other night where they have those young beautiful bouncing "barely-legal" eye candy bartenders and she brings me a drink she'd invented for me to try. I take a sip - it sucked. (But of course I told the poor thing it was "Great!") and asked the name - get this now - "Citron My Face"
11/06/06
Today's blog is dedicated to Vanessa Marcil
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I've been learning about Astronomy lately - and guess what - on Jupiter I weigh 482.5 lbs!!! (Unless maybe those scales there were wrong!?)
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I think if you were a kid, and were very lonely, with no real adult interaction or friends - it'd probably NOT a good thing to go to Adult Friend Finder to find one...
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I'm thinking Thomas Edison probably thought he was just the coolest with his new Electric Light invention but the fun and games were over quickly when he got that first electric bill!
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That Visa lady on the phone doesn't much care for it when she says "Mr. Monkey when can we expect a full payment from you sir?" and I answer "When can I expect YOU to slobber and suck on my big 9 inch fat swollen Monkey cock ma'am"
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Okay since I'm doing Thomas Edison bits I bring out an old favorite: If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " Once i was rally drunk I was going to buy a pack of smokes, instead I must have gone a very wrong direction, becasuse the next morning I woke up in a field with cows." (Yeah whatever, we've all been found in a field of cows the next morning - and we all try that 'wrong turn looking for the store' excuse - Monkey
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Folks at your work will love you if you cook your bag of popcorn in the microwave for 9 minutes on high power - then take the smoldering, smoking bag to your desk and actually start eating it.
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I've been learning about Astronomy lately - and guess what - on Jupiter I weigh 482.5 lbs!!! (Unless maybe those scales there were wrong!?)
----------------------------------
I think if you were a kid, and were very lonely, with no real adult interaction or friends - it'd probably NOT a good thing to go to Adult Friend Finder to find one...
--------------------------------
I'm thinking Thomas Edison probably thought he was just the coolest with his new Electric Light invention but the fun and games were over quickly when he got that first electric bill!
---------------------------------
That Visa lady on the phone doesn't much care for it when she says "Mr. Monkey when can we expect a full payment from you sir?" and I answer "When can I expect YOU to slobber and suck on my big 9 inch fat swollen Monkey cock ma'am"
----------------------------------
Okay since I'm doing Thomas Edison bits I bring out an old favorite: If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
-------------------------------
My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " Once i was rally drunk I was going to buy a pack of smokes, instead I must have gone a very wrong direction, becasuse the next morning I woke up in a field with cows." (Yeah whatever, we've all been found in a field of cows the next morning - and we all try that 'wrong turn looking for the store' excuse - Monkey
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Folks at your work will love you if you cook your bag of popcorn in the microwave for 9 minutes on high power - then take the smoldering, smoking bag to your desk and actually start eating it.
