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The Monkey Cage The Monkey Cage

December the first, 2-thousand and eight 

Today's blog is dedicated to Dr. House. I've not only returned but the Possum has told me he too will make a come back.
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I was GOING to order something off an infomercial late one night but the guy said "If you're fast and can call in the next 5 minutes and we'll show you how to get out of debt!" Oh well i didn't get up fast enough - matter of fact I didn't even move from the couch - guess I'll just stay in credit debt.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I have had an affection for this boy named cody at my lunch, The only thing is, I am a guy also" Well saddle up to Cody at lunch and offer him your banana!" - Monkey
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"eBay" is pig-latin for WHAT!? I don't get it.
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One of my favorite reports I did in school was when we had to do a report on Antartica and mine read only "That's one cold place". I got an "F" for being a smartassed Monkey. (But you know what, it IS a cold place)
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I'm one of those guys who doesn't know much about cars - but that's not a problem - if a guy is scratching his head looking under his hood I just give the standard "Well I'd be willing to bet it's your distributer" - and I walk off. Then I'm like one of the guys.
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People say they're "mortified" - but I'll bet if your name is Mort you don't say that too often.
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I think it would be cool to go back to the 1950's and go to a "Lover's Lane". Sitting up there in the car looking over the city listening to the music. I'd even bring a girl with me sometimes.
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If I were a martian that came down to abduct humans, once I got them up to my space ship I'd NOT do the anal probe on him or her - because dammit these humans are just getting to like that part a little TOO much!
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It'd be great to have a kid and name him "Jiggle the Handle" That way when he's older you could have conversations like this:
"Jiggle the handle!"
"Yes Dad?"
"No, Jiggle the handle on the toilet!!!"
"No Dad I'm up in my room."
"Jiggle the handle jiggle the handle on the toilet!!"

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November 30th, two thousand and seven 

Today's blog is dedicated to the men & women who drive airport rental car shuttle buses from the rental office to the gates. Same thing over and over, pick up the people, drive them to the departures, "Next stop is United all those for United please exit please watch your step...next stop is Delta...watch your step..."
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I think one part about being in Heaven we don't hear much about it is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suck
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You meet some cheap, CHEAP bastards at yard sales. I had a woman come up to me at my yard sale and actually have the balls to say "Look I know you're asking 5 bucks for this Barbie doll but um...but it's missing her left leg, has no head, and someone has carved "Ozzy Rules - we miss you Randy Rhoads" on her stomach. How about a quarter for it?"
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Wouldn't it just SUCK if women's breasts were like men's testicles?: if they would rise and fall depending on the temperature? And when a lady is about to cum her tits would harden up and pull up into her chest? No - this would just flat-out suck and it's very, very bad idea with a bad visual. Why are we even talking about it?
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For some reason, (not sure WHY or anything) I don't really WANT to see a commercial about "Genital Herpes Flare-Ups" while I eat my dinner. Call me strange, call me a prude!
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Here's a free Monkey Tip for Veternarians!: Vets - the next time you neuter a young cat, don't throw those balls away just yet! Make a really cool "catnip ball toy" for cats! They love 'em! Here's how; keep some catnip handy in the OR, after removing the cat's balls, quickly sprinkle some catnip into the little scrotum, sew it up - whamo - instant cat toy! You can even give it to the cat you just neutered as a "Get Well Soon!" fun cat toy! (He'll think it looks vaguely familiar - but won't recognize them entirely - don't worry)
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I hate it when the meteorologist on the Weather Channel shows that big map of the US and he shows clouds coming over - green clouds and red clouds and even BLUE clouds - and they're moving so fast and right over my state!!!! I rush outside to see the cool colored clouds and all I see are normal clouds! I'm going to stab the meteorolgist.
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I could write commercials for the evening news - I have a talent! Check it out:
"You could be killing your cat with the litter you use - find out how at eleven!"
"Could you be inadvertantly putting poison in your child's lunch box? Find out at eleven!"
"There's a bridge that YOU probably drive across here in our city that is about to fall - find out which bridge at eleven!"

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November 29, 2009 

Today's blog is dedicated to Rick James Bitch!
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You could get into big trouble if you were an FBI Investigator and your job during interrogations was to be the guy that shines the lamp light in the guys' face, and you accidently put in a 25 watt bulb in before the interrogation. I'm sure you'd get a verbal warning from your boss and be put on probation.
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Monkey Prediction of the Day: I predict in the year 2017 someone will sue to have "Mr. Potato Head" banned from toy store shelves. It will be a group of very rare but very offended group suffering from a rare medical disorder in which their heads turn big, brown, and lumpy and develop "eyes" all over. They'll wear big red glasses and fake moustaches and have big red lips because of the disease.
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If I were a cemetary groundskeeper I'd be sure to never lay down to take a nap under a gravestone, because when you woke up and opened your eyes you might think you were dead and get scared. But really that's what you get for being such a lazy fucking slacker!
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When I was a kid I used to think the Doobie Brothers were singing about "Saucity Midnight Lady" and I'd think of "sauce" and fantasize about a very sauce-ity beautiful lady, at midnight, on her bed, with red sheets...her long blonde hair cascading over a red pillow like a waterfall. She has another red pillow propped up under her ass and with one hand has spread herself below for me.....with the other hand she has dipped one long red fingernail into a cup of hot chocolate sauce by her bedside and she gently massages the hot chocolate sauce into her sweet swollen wet lips below for me to taste. But later I learned that the Doob's were singing about "Salt City Midnight Lady" and it had nothing to do with sauce or chocolate. What a bummer. There's not even a word "saucity" - growing up is hard.
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Translations from MTV's "Crib":
Dumb Rich Rapper: "Yo this here room is where me and my boys sit down to eat you know what I'm sayin'?"
Translation: "This is the dining room"
DRR: "Yo this room you know what I'm sayin' is where we kind of come into the house know what I'm sayin'? We call this here room the 'comin' into the house room' yo."
Translation: "This is a foyer"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Bullwhipper Blues" (PG-17) The true story of a really talented man named Billy Fishco who showed amazing talent as a child at using a bullwhip on the ranch. He could do so many tricks his parents soon put him in the circus - where he travelled around as "Bullwhip Billy" entertaining the masses from 1953-1962. Soon however Billy gave up the circus and bullwhip life to pursue a more normal life. He put his bullwhip in the closet, got a normal job, and even married. Everything was fine until 1968 when one night, when Billy was horny and in bed - he thought he might try just one more bullwhip trick - to lay in bed with his hard-on and when his wife entered the bedrom he was to grab her with the whip. The only problem is the whip cracked her right in the face, splitting it open and injuring her severely. Watch as Billy is forced to go back on the road as "Bullwhip Billy" to help pay her surgery bills.

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November 28th, 2012 

Today's blog is dedicated to the beautiful Suzanne Pleshette.
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So the Shrink asked me if I ever have any strange thoughts .
"No", I answered (which I thought was pretty strange.)
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If I were on death row, for a great prank, when the guys came down to get me for that final walk, the last thing I'd do before I left my cell is set the alarm clock to go off in about 20 minutes. That way it'd start going off and I'd be dead and gone and the guys back in death row cell block would be pissed OFF. But later I think they'd probably have a laugh about it, and I wouldn't be suprised if this alarm clock trick became a running death row prank that all the boys on the row could look forward to one day pulling themselves.
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Denny's may be one of the only resteraunts in the world where you can take a break from eating your Grand Slam breakfast to puke under the table and none of the other drunks in there even notice.
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I think if you could really work your fingers over a lady's clit really well and you had a talent for it, one day while doing it and you'd think - "I wonder if I could also twiddle away on a guitar like perhaps Jimi Hendrix" And you'd rush down to the local pawn shop to buy a used electric guitar but find that was a waste, you can't play. And from that moment on you'd be more appreciative of your clit dwiddling talents and you'd forget your rock star guitarist stupid fucking fantasy.
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I think if you were a professional poultry chicken in an egg factory you'd get into big trouble and maybe even get called on the carpet if you consistantly laid eggs that completely missed the egg cartons when they come by. You'd better start taking your job a little more seriously Missy!
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My Grandparents were a healthy example in my childhood. They'd drive us kids around in their big green Pontiac with the windows all up and chain smoke Pall Malls until we were choking. The only way they'd roll down "the glass" is if they were tossing out some litter, so we kids would hand them up wrappers any other trash we could find in that huge back seat - just to get some air.

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The Day after Turkey Day, 2009 

Today's blog is dedicated to B.B. King and Lucille.
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I think one part of the Americana hobo history that doesn't get glorified or even mentioned is the days when the hobos on the train would gather in the box car and suck each other's wine/urine/sweat smelling nasty dicks.
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If I were a unicorn I'd say fuck that fairy tale gay shit about running around in rainbows with sparkling fairy dust all around me. Hell no I'd hide in the bushes and wait on passing cars - I'd then run out and see if I could jab a hole in one of their tires and cause a blow-out and make them lose control of their car, crash and roll, burst into flames, and explode.
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the john off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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I live in a small Montana town and the other day I looked out of my window and saw a group of hunters standing around in a parking lot. (It's hunting season) - they stood around in a circle and talked and each man would take a turn pulling out his big rifle. Some guys had rifles that were bigger than the other guys did. They'd take turns pulling out their rifles and then all the other guys would admire it and touch it and rub it's long hard shaft and admire the tip and carress it. Sometimes two guys at once would fondle and admire one guy's gun - one would be admiring and stroking the shaft while the other guy paid attention to the tip. I finally closed the curtains and went inside to give them some privacy.
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A fun thing to do in hospitals, when visiting someone, is to leave the waiting room and go down to the nurse's station and say "May I please have an ashtray, there doesn't seem to be any down in the waiting room"

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November 23rd, 1807 

Today's blog is dedicated to two of my favorite things - J├Ągermeister and Jack Johnson. A combination of the two makes for a great evening. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grandkids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
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The other day I started thinking about some of the good sex I've been lucky enough to have had, and I started getting hard. The next thing I know, I've got it out and am stroking it good. That is until the Albertson's manager came over and told me that I was going to have to leave the store.
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Free Monkey sex tip of the Day: Guys - the next time you're "eating at the Y" - pull her ass over to the edge of the bed, you then kneel down on the floor next to the bed - you'll have a lot more working room and better access to all her treats. Plus if there's a dog under the bed it will start licking your johnson (or is that her boyfriend hiding under there?)
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I knew when I was a child that I was going to be "different" because I found inspiration not through the TV shows my family watched, but rather I enjoyed the off-the-air channels and their comforting static. There is more beauty and inspiration in a screenful of static than you can imagine.

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November 22nd, 1971 

This one is dedciated to that singer "Melanie Safka" who did "Brand New Key". Who doesn't love that song? "I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key" Nice song
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If I were a deer in the highway and somenoe hit me, I would wait until they got out of their car to inspect the damage and then I would moan until they looked over at me. I'd be sure to look into their eyes with my big beautiful dying deer eyes and I'd let one huge deer tear well up in my eyes and fall to the highway to mix in the blood. I'd then dip one of my mangled hooves into the my blood and write in the snow with it: "WHY?" - then I would die - but first I would fart
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Monkey Tip of the Day to Women: Ladies - please dont' start sentences to your man with "You know I can remember when you used to..." What we guys hear when you start a sentence like that is: "Bitchin' is about to begin blah blah bitch blah blah bitch bitch" We guys like hearing that about as much as you'd like to hear a sentence start with "You know I can remember when you use to WEIGH..."
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Why is it when I sit down to eat a big bowl of Fruity Pebbles in the morning some so-called "adult" will come up and ask stupid questions; "You like Fruity Pebbles?", "You eat that cereal?". No, fuckhead, I hate Fruity Pebbles that's why the big bowl of 'em. GROW UP!
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Monkey Profound Thought of the Day: If you were a little white mouse with a long white tail living in the subway and you got injured really badly and were covered in blood, I don't think anyone would stop to help you because they'd think you were a discarded used tampon. You'd die there in a pool of your own blood, thinking how mean people are.
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You know you live in a small, boring town when you hear a car coming down the street and you run to your window to see who it is - and you see your neighbors in their windows doing the same thing. You watch the car pass down the street, wave goodbye to your neighbors, and go about your business again.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Lost Balloon Land" (PG-17). I believe that every time a child cries when he or she looses a balloon in a park, parade or party - that the balloon then floats up to a magical place far above us - a place of thousands of lost helium balloons of every size and color - a place for lost balloons. This movie follows the touching story of just one lost balloon - a pretty red birthday party balloon in Canton, Indiana and the little girl who accidently let it go when it slipped off her wrist when she was on a swing set. "Your spirits will soar after watching this beautiful uplifting story" says the New York Times. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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I saw a plane high in the sky above me the other day - leaving a trail of smoke - a contrail - Cool, I thought - looks like a giant letter "I" - I'll bet this guy's a skywriter - I wonder what he'll write? But the bastard just kept on going with that huge letter "I" - and that was it. I waited on the next letter but he never came back. After an about an hour of waiting the giant "I" disappeared and I went back inside.
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I don't think it'd be as great as you might think if you were a super-hero and had super-hero powers of hearing. For instance if you were to listen to the sounds that jelly makes when peanut butter first touches with it - when you first close the sandwich - when jelly meets peanut-butter - it would remind you of the sweet sounds a nice sloppy-wet dripping pussy makes, and you'd have to excuse yourself from the dinner table to go masturbate somewhere.
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I urge all girlfriends and wives this Christmas to go to bed with your man wearing nothing but a Santa hat, red gloves and those cool sexy Santa-girl-elf red boots. You could easily fufill this Christmas fantasy for him - and believe me, every guy has a fantasy about fucking a little Santa's Helper girl elf. (Since there are no real flying raindeer)

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November 20th, 1973 

Today's blog is of course dedicated to you very wonderful, very loyal readers who waited for the Monkey to return. I love you all.
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Would you rather be called A) A "Space Cowboy" B) "The Gangster of Love" or C) "Maurice"
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Don't you just hate when one of those West Indian Blue & Red Ear-Drilling Locusts lands in your ear and starts drilling into your eardrum and you scream in agony and fall to the ground? Luckily it doesn't happen that often - and also we're lucky I just made up our friend the West Indian Blue & Red Ear-Drilling Locust.
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Is there anything more annoying than white guys who when are parting say to each other "I'll holler at you later"
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To be one of the guys, guys - here's what you have to do - any time you're doing anything mechanical with a buddy, working on a car or whatever, always mention "cunt hair". Examples: "We need to turn that bolt just a cunt hair", or "...the torque on this sonofabitch is just a cunt hair off" It's just one of those "guy things" that has to be said/done. Just make sure wife/girlfriend isn't around they just HATE that "C" word!
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One thing you've GOT to have in your house if you're very old is a clock that ticks very loudly, so that when your grandkids come to visit you, you can just sit with them in total silence, except for that loud "Tick...Tick...Tick". This will help your grandkids - because they'll look at your old wrinkled face and that goddamned incessant ticking won't stop and they'll think "Gosh one day I'll be old too" and hopefully it'll ruin their day.
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My mother and her sisters all think you're supposed to throw a string of spaghetti at the wall - if it sticks - it's done boiling. So my brothers and I adopted the same habit - only we'd throw anything from peanut butter sandwiches to jello at the wall and if it stuck we'd laugh "It's ready"
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Things the monkey ponders: What is it about doing a girl from behind that makes a man want to reach up and pull her hair...hard!
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If I were a whale at Sea World I'd have my big whale penis sticking out all the time - I'd have the biggest whale woody in the world. This of course would upset many of the visiters and Sea World would have no choice but to return me to the sea - with my freedom. But knowing my luck the management at Sea World would instead create a huge whale bathing suit for me to wear and keep me working, or they'd hack my dick off with a chainsaw. Never mind this whole thing forget I said anything.
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I gotta bitch about this early, sorry. Why can't we go back to Christmas LIGHTS on houses? Good old-fashioned LIGHTS. What are these big huge blow-up things in yards - enough is enough of those! Then the assholes that have these things turn off the power during the night to the confounded things and the next morning the neighborhood looks like a bad Acid Trip - with huge wilting Santa Clauses and limp Grinches...I say it's war. Someone fetch my BB Gun.
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Since we have the Rio Grande river here in America - do we also have a Rio Latte and a Rio Venti?

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November 18th, 1973 

Today's blog is dedicated to one of our finest leading ladies from days gone by - Gina Lollobrigida.
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My friends have no problem when I tell them that I enjoy giving a nice rim job to a lady, but if I tell them I enjoy a good fried-Spam sandwich they start gagging.
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Monkey re-writes classic songs: "Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody - I got no money 'cause I just got laid" (Cat Stevens "Another Saturday Night")
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It would suck to be a redneck Arkansas guy in your trailer and be fucking a chick from behind very hard and when you say "Who's your daddy!?" They actually tell you the TRUTH - "Why YOU are Daddy!" That would sort of ruin the moment.
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Cave men didn't have laser pointers - no sir - if they wanted to point something out on the screen by golly they had to throw a rock at the screen and say "Ummphug!!"
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "One of the best ways to keep your teenager off pot is to make sure when you're not home you lock your bedroom door" Monkey...the anti-drug.
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If I were an Asian cartoon super hero, I'd be a guy with chopsticks instead of hands - I'd call myself "Chop Louie". People would think I'd use my deadly chopstick hands to fight evil criminals, but instead I would use them to pick up girls - and then I'd use my little talented super-hero chopstick hands on their little erect clits.
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If I were Marshall Matt Dillon I'd have posted signs on the way INTO Dodge City that read "I thought I told you to STAY OUT!!!"
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I like the fancy realistic aqaurium screen savers as much as the next monkey - but if they want them TRULY realistic they'd hang a 7 inch string of fish poop from random fish because we all know REAL pet fish frequently have the "fish poop tail" that won't fall off
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You're about as old as I am if you can remember wedging a little piece of chalk into the teacher's blackboard eraser before class started.
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Don't you hate it when you go to someone's house for dinner and the food sucks, and you take your plate in the kitchen and secretly dump the nasty shit in the sink and THEN realize the bastards don't have a garbage disposal in their sink!?

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I'm BACK 

I have learned that some things just won't stay down. Like one of my all-time favorite movie characters; "Cool Hand Luke", who refused to stay down. ("Some men...you just can't reach"), there are some things in me, your long-lost Monkey, I have learned in the past few months, won't stay down.
My silly, funny thoughts, that many of you readers have so enjoyed - won't stay down.
No matter what goes on in my life, however personal or painful, these thoughts always return to me like a long-lost pet dog who has found his way back home. A friend. So I should nourish this friend by keeping it active and healthy. Because one day it may die.
I am back.
Many, many people have stood by, waiting on the return of the Monkey - Season 2 if you will. Thank you. I can't let you down any further.
The Monkey is back.
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Isn't it funny how some people when having sex scream "Mmmm..oh shit...shit...oh yeah...right there....shit...lick it there...shit..mmmmshit...oh shit...oh shit oh shit oh SHIT!" - and then the next morning step in some dogshit in the front yard and yell "FUCK!"
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Monkey Invention of the Day: I love the elderly among us. I've seen enough old folks feeding pigeons that I think pigeons owe our elderly something in return. Monkey Labs, Inc. has invented a special machine that will send mind-controlling thought waves to the pigeons and program them to staff our "homes for the elderly". That's right the pigeons will feed and care for grandpa or grandma - they'll feed them, bathe them - pigeons will now run our nations "retirement homes". Good, that'll keep those old pain-in-the-ass urine-smelling old fuckers out of our hair.
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I don't understand all this "Satellite Radio" talk. Even if the thing were in low orbit and the volume onboard was cranked to the max I really doubt we could hear it down here.
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I've been to many "Pot Luck" dinners and have NEVER found any pot at those things, nor any luck
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If I were a member of a SWAT team I'd take up the hobby of collecting frisbees -imagine how many frisbees you could find on a daily basis up on rooftops!
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I hold the land speed world record for "driving with un-defrosted windows because I'm too lazy to wait until the windshield defrosts before driving" I can do 97 mph down a highway only using a patch of my windshield that is 1 inch by 2 inches.
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Have you ever been scratching your ass in public, say in a store, and a lady catches you? I hate that, because you then have to pretend you were just pulling out your wallet and you have to pretend you're looking for something in it.

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