The
Monkey CageNovember 27th, 2004 - away for a week!
Today's blog is dedicated to YOU my wonderful readers! My friends I have to go on a trip to see some monkey relatives and I bid you farewell for about a week. I will miss blogging and miss you all and love you. I leave you today with some repeats - I apologize in advance, and I'll see you in about a week. Please take care of yourselves and stay safe, semi-sane and happy.
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Call me strange, (it's been done before), and this is an annoying habit according to my wife. But one of the first things I do when I check into a hotel/motel room is SEARCH THE PLACE! I search under the beds, I search up in the crawl space, under furniture, behind drawers, in drawers, in the pages of the Bible, I search everywhere! What am I looking for? I don't know - that's a good question - I've never found it so I can't say what it is I'm looking for but it's there somewhere!
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I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points - but there are actual rules and it really is some sort of strange "game".
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When I was a kid many other kids in our neighborhood would "huff" lighter-fluid to get high. Once a neighbor kid was sitting around huffing, and he was EIGHT years old - I'm serious. He got high from that, and I saw him get up and chase his brother around the room - he slipped on something, probably because he was high, fell, and smashed his head into the CORNER of a coffee table. I hear you - you're saying - "Monkey - what kind of good wholesome moral lesson can we learn from this kid?" The lesson to be learned is if you're going to be killing brain cells by the millions and aspire to have permanent brain damage by huffing lighter fluid or other potentially fatal inhalents, sit DOWN and stop running around the house or by golly you're gonna get a time out mister!!!
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IHOP after the clubs close is a sad place to be - it's filled with hard-up drunk guys who didn't get lucky at the clubs and have resorted to trying to pick up the middle-aged divorced IHOP waitresses. (Not that I've EVER tried to pick up an IHOP waitress)
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My father decided when I was young he didn't need his kids and also decided he didn't need to pay any child support. Later we kids grew up wild and rebellious. (surprised?) When I wasn't stealing cigarettes I would pay for them - and I found out that my dad had left an extensive coin collection up in the attic in a box. I learned that you can take those blue coin binder books and twist them like you'd twist an ice-cube tray and the coins pop out! I also learned that Hisham the 7-11 cashier could care less if your nickels are WW II Silver nickels - he'll take 'em for a pack of smokes!
_______________________________________________
You've heard the calls at Wal-Mart over the intercom - "I need an associate in Gardening to call such-and-such" right? One day the Monkey heard one - the ultimate - I kid you not - "I need an associate in women's underwear to register seven please...an associate in women's underwear to register seven" I laughed until I stopped. Nobody around me in the store laughed (Why do I always laugh alone!?) - I think I"m the only one who "got" this.
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I want to build a big house - and in that house I want to have a billiard room, a study, a library, a kitchen, a Conservatory - and in some of those rooms I will leave a rope, a candlestick, a leadpipe, knife, etc. I think this would get guests thinking - "Gosh this all looks familar but from where!?"
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: A) Guys that put pictures of their wives on their desks at work, but the picture is from 17 years ago when their wives were younger and happier, B) Guys that put "glamour Shots" of their wives decked out in makeup striking a stupid "glamour shot" pose. Come on man, show us your REAL wife, for what she really is and how she really looks, be proud of her as she really is. Real life is not glamour shots with leather jackets and umbrellas and fake poses and smiles - real life is your wife who has put up with your crap for all these years. If you want to impress the Monkey put a picture of your wife on your desk showing how she looks each day when she gets home from work and has to still cook dinner for your fat ass that fell asleep in front of the TV, put a realistic picture of your wife on your desk, not a fantasy picture, and still be proud of her.
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Word I miss hearing now that I no longer live down south: "gorilla" is pronounced: "GO-rilla"
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Monkey Prediction of the Day: In the future, you will be able to actually touch, pick up, and carry around icons! Yep - you heard me - a program/application will be located on an icon, and if you want it on another computer you will reach up to the monitor, and PICK UP the icon off the screen, and put it in your pocket, or your wallet. You will have all your own personal data, all your email, all your programs, within an icon, your very own icon. Icons will be actual 3D real things, about the same size as they are now, but about as thick as a credit card.
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I've seen enough episodes of "COPS" to know a few things, I see who gets arrested the most. Black or white, if you're a guy, and NOT wearing a shirt - right there your odds aren't good, especially if you're wearing jeans and no shirt. From here your chances increase even more if you've got more tattoos than teeth.
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Weight-Losss Humiliation Bed" - this computerized bed is programmed with how much you SHOULD weigh (or would like to weigh.) It then automatically weighs you each night when you get into bed. If you're over what you should be, it will announce random motivational messages via voice simulation in the speaker in the headboard while you sleep; "Damn you're fat", "Ouch my poor springs!", "You have no willpower fat ass", etc. Soon you'll try to turn off the Humiliation Bed, but I'm sorry Dave, I cannot allow that to happen. Then you'll start sleeping on another bed or the couch to get away from it, and that's fine too - by then you've already bought my invention and there's no refunds, I cannot do that Dave.
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_______________________________________________
Call me strange, (it's been done before), and this is an annoying habit according to my wife. But one of the first things I do when I check into a hotel/motel room is SEARCH THE PLACE! I search under the beds, I search up in the crawl space, under furniture, behind drawers, in drawers, in the pages of the Bible, I search everywhere! What am I looking for? I don't know - that's a good question - I've never found it so I can't say what it is I'm looking for but it's there somewhere!
_______________________________________________
I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points - but there are actual rules and it really is some sort of strange "game".
_______________________________________________
When I was a kid many other kids in our neighborhood would "huff" lighter-fluid to get high. Once a neighbor kid was sitting around huffing, and he was EIGHT years old - I'm serious. He got high from that, and I saw him get up and chase his brother around the room - he slipped on something, probably because he was high, fell, and smashed his head into the CORNER of a coffee table. I hear you - you're saying - "Monkey - what kind of good wholesome moral lesson can we learn from this kid?" The lesson to be learned is if you're going to be killing brain cells by the millions and aspire to have permanent brain damage by huffing lighter fluid or other potentially fatal inhalents, sit DOWN and stop running around the house or by golly you're gonna get a time out mister!!!
_______________________________________________
IHOP after the clubs close is a sad place to be - it's filled with hard-up drunk guys who didn't get lucky at the clubs and have resorted to trying to pick up the middle-aged divorced IHOP waitresses. (Not that I've EVER tried to pick up an IHOP waitress)
_______________________________________________
My father decided when I was young he didn't need his kids and also decided he didn't need to pay any child support. Later we kids grew up wild and rebellious. (surprised?) When I wasn't stealing cigarettes I would pay for them - and I found out that my dad had left an extensive coin collection up in the attic in a box. I learned that you can take those blue coin binder books and twist them like you'd twist an ice-cube tray and the coins pop out! I also learned that Hisham the 7-11 cashier could care less if your nickels are WW II Silver nickels - he'll take 'em for a pack of smokes!
_______________________________________________
You've heard the calls at Wal-Mart over the intercom - "I need an associate in Gardening to call such-and-such" right? One day the Monkey heard one - the ultimate - I kid you not - "I need an associate in women's underwear to register seven please...an associate in women's underwear to register seven" I laughed until I stopped. Nobody around me in the store laughed (Why do I always laugh alone!?) - I think I"m the only one who "got" this.
_______________________________________________
I want to build a big house - and in that house I want to have a billiard room, a study, a library, a kitchen, a Conservatory - and in some of those rooms I will leave a rope, a candlestick, a leadpipe, knife, etc. I think this would get guests thinking - "Gosh this all looks familar but from where!?"
_______________________________________________
People that need to be pimp-slapped: A) Guys that put pictures of their wives on their desks at work, but the picture is from 17 years ago when their wives were younger and happier, B) Guys that put "glamour Shots" of their wives decked out in makeup striking a stupid "glamour shot" pose. Come on man, show us your REAL wife, for what she really is and how she really looks, be proud of her as she really is. Real life is not glamour shots with leather jackets and umbrellas and fake poses and smiles - real life is your wife who has put up with your crap for all these years. If you want to impress the Monkey put a picture of your wife on your desk showing how she looks each day when she gets home from work and has to still cook dinner for your fat ass that fell asleep in front of the TV, put a realistic picture of your wife on your desk, not a fantasy picture, and still be proud of her.
_______________________________________________
Word I miss hearing now that I no longer live down south: "gorilla" is pronounced: "GO-rilla"
_______________________________________________
Monkey Prediction of the Day: In the future, you will be able to actually touch, pick up, and carry around icons! Yep - you heard me - a program/application will be located on an icon, and if you want it on another computer you will reach up to the monitor, and PICK UP the icon off the screen, and put it in your pocket, or your wallet. You will have all your own personal data, all your email, all your programs, within an icon, your very own icon. Icons will be actual 3D real things, about the same size as they are now, but about as thick as a credit card.
_______________________________________________
I've seen enough episodes of "COPS" to know a few things, I see who gets arrested the most. Black or white, if you're a guy, and NOT wearing a shirt - right there your odds aren't good, especially if you're wearing jeans and no shirt. From here your chances increase even more if you've got more tattoos than teeth.
_______________________________________________
Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Weight-Losss Humiliation Bed" - this computerized bed is programmed with how much you SHOULD weigh (or would like to weigh.) It then automatically weighs you each night when you get into bed. If you're over what you should be, it will announce random motivational messages via voice simulation in the speaker in the headboard while you sleep; "Damn you're fat", "Ouch my poor springs!", "You have no willpower fat ass", etc. Soon you'll try to turn off the Humiliation Bed, but I'm sorry Dave, I cannot allow that to happen. Then you'll start sleeping on another bed or the couch to get away from it, and that's fine too - by then you've already bought my invention and there's no refunds, I cannot do that Dave.
Thanksgiving Day - two thousand and four.
Today's blog is dedicated to "Wendy" - the comic book girl - you know her - "Wendy - the good little witch". I can admit now that I used to have the hots for her when I was a little kid - I wanted her in a bad way - and read her stuff - even though Wendy was NOT a comic book BOYS were supposed to be reading - but other boys never found out about my Wendy fetish. Please note with Thanksgiving here, I have an out of town trip in a few days, and The Monkey Cage will remain un-updated for about 5 days. I'll miss you my loyal readers and I love you all and will get back to you!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I killed my dog once"
(With MOST dogs - killing them just once is enough - Monkey)
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What is the Monkey thankful for on Thanksgiving? I'm thankful that there are so many complete strangers out there who know my email address and want to provide me with tons of Viagra, Cialis, and Ambien for amazingly low prices, or with the latest software for dirt-cheap, and for strangers who want to share with me hot, wet, barely legal young girls in my area that want to meet ME and screw my brains out just for fun, and I'm thankful that so many Nigerians have stumbled onto so much money and want to share it with ME!
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The Monkey is thankful this Thanksgiving to have been born a man and not a woman. I love all women, ADORE them all, I just wouldn't want to BE one - MUCH too complicated - their minds; so complicated and complex; filled with so many thoughts and SO many levels of feelings, insights, and intuitions. I think if men could go into the head of any woman if even for an hour they'd go insane - there is so much going on in their minds we just couldn't handle it. Their bodies; also complicated, so hard to keep proportioned, require monthly maintenance schedules. Their lives: complicated, filled with nurturing that must be done, filled with non-stop work that never seems to end for them, filled with immature men. No, I'm thankful to be born an empty-headed, simple MAN.
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My childhood Thanksgivings consisted of piling our family into the station wagon and going to my Grandmother's house. Once there we kids were banished to "the kitchen table" to eat while the adults sat in the big formal dining room, drank, and spoke poorly of and gossiped about anyone not at their evil table. (They also spoke poorly of and gossiped about anyone who just LEFT their evil table) Afterwards, my mother would volunteer our services to wash dishes and clean up, and we'd do that for a few hours. Then Grandmother would make us kids go across the street to a "park" (outdoor basketball courts) where we'd almost get killed. Although there was no official sign at that park, if there was it would've read: "No young white crackers allowed - dumb white cracker boys will be cussed out and severely beaten" and we were in fear for our lives at that "park". Thanksgiving - what a blast - thank goodness it was only once a year.
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My Grandmother would serve us kids at the kitchen table lima beans that she was proud of. I hated them, I don't know ONE kid that liked Lima Beans - (I know some kids that like BUTTER beans but we're past that now) she'd see all our lima beans in the garbage if we threw them out, eating them was out of the question and there were no garbage disposals back then, so we kids had no choice but to throw our Lima Beans up on top of Grandman's kitchen cabinets where she could never look. I don't know what eventually happens to five heaping helpings of lima beans on top of kithen cabinets but I'm sure it's not pretty and I pity the fool that eventually found the lima bean stash.
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I'm probably the only guy in the world who would admit to this - but when I was younger the TURKEY on Thanksgiving would get me horny - but everything did get me horny back then (okay that's never changed). It was those little aluminum foil "boots" my Grandmother put on the turkey's feet that would start it - the turkey would be laying there naked as the day he was born, on his back, with his feet up in the air wearing nothing but aluminum "boots". This would lead the young Monkey to think about girls on their backs with their feet up in the air and spread, hot and sweaty, aahhhhh.....with a golden tan like Mr. Turkey...mhmmmm....wearing ONLY boots....hmmmm.....ahhh.....or those little bobby socks.....ahhhh.......you think my wife would wear only aluminum foil "boots" to bed tonight if I make them for her and ask nicely? I'd gently brush golden butter onto her breasts... (Okay I'll stop now)
_______________________________________________
My son will spend his hard-earned (yeah right!) money on some game for his Game Cube that he MUST have (as a matter of fact he told me if he didn't get this latest game his testicles were going to fall off!). He'll bring home the game, play for a few hours, and tell me he can't do much more without a walkthrough, a guide book or cheat codes! By golly hen I was a teen I may have spent my money on more illegal, natural things, but by golly at least I would get HOURS of stoned fun out of my investment and I didn't need a "walkthrough" - Kids nowadays....whew - it's gotta be handed to them or they can't be bothered.
_______________________________________________
Note there are no "Monkey Inventions" or "Monkey Movies Ideas" for today - in honor of Thanksgiving I have given my lab assistants and my Monkey Movie studio workers most of the morning off - they're to be back after lunch though and we'll start working again.
_______________________________________________
I'm one of those people who wishes handshaking would become obsolete - can't we bow to each other like our Asian friends? I despise shaking hands with others, you see them picking their noses while they drive to work, you see people leaving the bathroom without even thinking of washing their hands. It's a nasty practice this handshaking. Not to mention I may have just finished waxing the dolphin and then I'm introduced to some guy and have to shake his hand. It ain't right I tell ya!!
_______________________________________________
It happened again the other night - the wife and I are in the bedroom, things are looking good for action, I start making my half-hearted attempts at some foreplay and we hear what sounds like a gas leak - "ssssssssssss" - oh it was a gas leak alright - our dog was hiding over in the corner of the bedroom in her bed farting. Then the smell hit and my wife and I had to dive under the covers and almost start puking. The dog is black and hides in our dark bedroom waiting. We can't have anything nice.
_______________________________________________
My grades as a kid sucked - it was always my goal to just pass everything and I'd be happy with "D's" - and now that I have my own kids I have to remember to be very upset if they bring home even a "C".
_______________________________________________
There's a ranch here in Montana I drive by sometimes called "The Double D Ranch" - I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the lady out checking her mailbox but I never see her, I'll keep looking and report back here when I see her.
|
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I killed my dog once"
(With MOST dogs - killing them just once is enough - Monkey)
_______________________________________________
What is the Monkey thankful for on Thanksgiving? I'm thankful that there are so many complete strangers out there who know my email address and want to provide me with tons of Viagra, Cialis, and Ambien for amazingly low prices, or with the latest software for dirt-cheap, and for strangers who want to share with me hot, wet, barely legal young girls in my area that want to meet ME and screw my brains out just for fun, and I'm thankful that so many Nigerians have stumbled onto so much money and want to share it with ME!
_______________________________________________
The Monkey is thankful this Thanksgiving to have been born a man and not a woman. I love all women, ADORE them all, I just wouldn't want to BE one - MUCH too complicated - their minds; so complicated and complex; filled with so many thoughts and SO many levels of feelings, insights, and intuitions. I think if men could go into the head of any woman if even for an hour they'd go insane - there is so much going on in their minds we just couldn't handle it. Their bodies; also complicated, so hard to keep proportioned, require monthly maintenance schedules. Their lives: complicated, filled with nurturing that must be done, filled with non-stop work that never seems to end for them, filled with immature men. No, I'm thankful to be born an empty-headed, simple MAN.
_______________________________________________
My childhood Thanksgivings consisted of piling our family into the station wagon and going to my Grandmother's house. Once there we kids were banished to "the kitchen table" to eat while the adults sat in the big formal dining room, drank, and spoke poorly of and gossiped about anyone not at their evil table. (They also spoke poorly of and gossiped about anyone who just LEFT their evil table) Afterwards, my mother would volunteer our services to wash dishes and clean up, and we'd do that for a few hours. Then Grandmother would make us kids go across the street to a "park" (outdoor basketball courts) where we'd almost get killed. Although there was no official sign at that park, if there was it would've read: "No young white crackers allowed - dumb white cracker boys will be cussed out and severely beaten" and we were in fear for our lives at that "park". Thanksgiving - what a blast - thank goodness it was only once a year.
_______________________________________________
My Grandmother would serve us kids at the kitchen table lima beans that she was proud of. I hated them, I don't know ONE kid that liked Lima Beans - (I know some kids that like BUTTER beans but we're past that now) she'd see all our lima beans in the garbage if we threw them out, eating them was out of the question and there were no garbage disposals back then, so we kids had no choice but to throw our Lima Beans up on top of Grandman's kitchen cabinets where she could never look. I don't know what eventually happens to five heaping helpings of lima beans on top of kithen cabinets but I'm sure it's not pretty and I pity the fool that eventually found the lima bean stash.
_______________________________________________
I'm probably the only guy in the world who would admit to this - but when I was younger the TURKEY on Thanksgiving would get me horny - but everything did get me horny back then (okay that's never changed). It was those little aluminum foil "boots" my Grandmother put on the turkey's feet that would start it - the turkey would be laying there naked as the day he was born, on his back, with his feet up in the air wearing nothing but aluminum "boots". This would lead the young Monkey to think about girls on their backs with their feet up in the air and spread, hot and sweaty, aahhhhh.....with a golden tan like Mr. Turkey...mhmmmm....wearing ONLY boots....hmmmm.....ahhh.....or those little bobby socks.....ahhhh.......you think my wife would wear only aluminum foil "boots" to bed tonight if I make them for her and ask nicely? I'd gently brush golden butter onto her breasts... (Okay I'll stop now)
_______________________________________________
My son will spend his hard-earned (yeah right!) money on some game for his Game Cube that he MUST have (as a matter of fact he told me if he didn't get this latest game his testicles were going to fall off!). He'll bring home the game, play for a few hours, and tell me he can't do much more without a walkthrough, a guide book or cheat codes! By golly hen I was a teen I may have spent my money on more illegal, natural things, but by golly at least I would get HOURS of stoned fun out of my investment and I didn't need a "walkthrough" - Kids nowadays....whew - it's gotta be handed to them or they can't be bothered.
_______________________________________________
Note there are no "Monkey Inventions" or "Monkey Movies Ideas" for today - in honor of Thanksgiving I have given my lab assistants and my Monkey Movie studio workers most of the morning off - they're to be back after lunch though and we'll start working again.
_______________________________________________
I'm one of those people who wishes handshaking would become obsolete - can't we bow to each other like our Asian friends? I despise shaking hands with others, you see them picking their noses while they drive to work, you see people leaving the bathroom without even thinking of washing their hands. It's a nasty practice this handshaking. Not to mention I may have just finished waxing the dolphin and then I'm introduced to some guy and have to shake his hand. It ain't right I tell ya!!
_______________________________________________
It happened again the other night - the wife and I are in the bedroom, things are looking good for action, I start making my half-hearted attempts at some foreplay and we hear what sounds like a gas leak - "ssssssssssss" - oh it was a gas leak alright - our dog was hiding over in the corner of the bedroom in her bed farting. Then the smell hit and my wife and I had to dive under the covers and almost start puking. The dog is black and hides in our dark bedroom waiting. We can't have anything nice.
_______________________________________________
My grades as a kid sucked - it was always my goal to just pass everything and I'd be happy with "D's" - and now that I have my own kids I have to remember to be very upset if they bring home even a "C".
_______________________________________________
There's a ranch here in Montana I drive by sometimes called "The Double D Ranch" - I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the lady out checking her mailbox but I never see her, I'll keep looking and report back here when I see her.
Gosh it's November 22nd, 2 thousand and four.
Today's blog is dedicated to "Butterbean" - and his (ex) girlfriend - wherever they may be. You're my hero Butterbean.
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Ever seen the Chinese fortune cookies that have on the back - "Learn Chinese" - they then give the english word, followed by the Chinese word, so we can learn Chinese. My wife had never seen these before - and she stared at the back of her fortune cookie paper in amazement, which read:
Learn Chinese: Phone: "Xiang Lieng"
She says "It's an AD to learn Chinese? I'm supposed to phone Xiang Lieng!? Who the hell is HE!?" (I laughed 'till I stopped)
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The other day I called my wife "butterbean" and she said "Ewwww!" - why'd she do that? Long time Monkey Cage readers would remember - a story that changed my life about the very word "butterbean":
I had a redneck friend growing up, and he had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean" - WHY did they call him "Butterbean"? Brace yourselves this is not for the squeamish: because this guy "Butterbean" had made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried sex errr...ummm...in her rear and he'd found an actual butterbean stuck on his thing afterwards. I guess he just HAD to tell SOMEONE about this misadventure - and that person told someone, and that person told someone, etc. Until everyone knew the story and began to call this poor guy "Butterbean". (Could he have just as easily been called "Corn"?)
The moral to the story is....well I'm not sure - I'm not good at morals - I think it's that we shouldn't share some stories with even the closest of friends - especially one like this that just MUST be retold so everyone can enjoy it. So if any of my readers ever run across a guy called "Butterbean" please don't laugh at him.
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I don't think you'd last long as a pirate if you enjoyed staying down below deck in your cabin reading poetry, and every night you yelled out "Don't you smelly, one-eyed, one-legged, grog-swilling, booty-stealing, Bacardi smellin', striped-shirt wearin' bastards EVER SLEEP!? Keep it QUIET please for those of us who actually DO want to sleep!!"
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People who need to be pimp slapped - those little people that live in my house that call me "Dad" that will grab a CD-R, burn ONE song, put NO label on the thing, and leave it laying around by the computer as if it's blank. I WILL find you....
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Another person who needs to be pimp-slapped: Chuck E. Cheese. You little loud-mouthed money-hungry token-eatin' rat!
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Monkey Invention of the day: "Monkey Home Liposuction Kit" (MHLK) - for $4.95 Monkey Labs, Inc. will sell you everything you need to do your own safe liposuctioning in the comfort of your own home. Those jeans that fit you last week you can't get into? Simply get your kit, make a quick relatively painless incision, stick the wand in and suck out that fat! (Yes - the fat CAN be saved and used around the house - for cooking, for lubricating squeaky doors, etc - we also include a pamplet "Don't throw that fat away!" full of further tips) (Batteries sold separately)
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I'm thinking the "Girls Gone Wild" video commercials are pretty good - but there's got to be more - how about a "Girls Gone Psycho!" video - in it we'll see girls cutting themselves, we'll see girls locked in institutions flinging their poop at the walls and each other, stabbing people, etc. Think it would sell? What about "Girls Gone Fishing"?! "Girls Gone Shopping"? "Girls Gone Fat"? Sure lots of girls go wild, but they do other stuff too! How about "Girls Gone Premenstrual", (we could have pretty much the same footage as the "Girls Gone Psycho" video!?)
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Favorite confession from today's htttp://grouphug.us : "My penis is only 5 inches long, uncircumsized, and it curves to the left. This makes me very upset."
(I think he'd been okay if it curved to the right - but to the left - that won't do at all - poor guy - Monkey)
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Who came up with the web error: "404 Error - file not found"? Why not an error 207? What's wrong with 193? Why 404!??!
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Monkey Invention of the Day (2) : "Monkey Talking Lollipop" - Through a tiny computer chip and tiny speaker this special lollipop actually "talks" as you eat it - "Eat me - yeahhh....oh yeah.....ahhh...there....right there.....don't stop....suck it now....deeper.....almost there.....don't stop....faster.....ahhhhh....I'm going to explode in your mouth.....yes....yes...YESSSSSS!" (Batteries sold separately)
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The Monkey is a good boy and 99.999% of the time I put the toilet seat back down. But if I've had a few beers for some reason I forget. The other day my wife raised all sorts of hell - claiming she got up during the night and "almost fell in" the toilet because I'd left the seat up. Come on now! I've heard other women bitch about this too - I've heard women saying they "almost fell in the toilet" that I know damned well can barely get their huge asses through the bathroom door let alone fall IN THE TOILET! Cut that out women - or PROVE it to the Monkey - please - the next time a bad, evil man leaves the seat up and you fall in the toilet PLEASE just tread water and stay in there long enough to have someone take a picture of you IN the toilet and PLEASE send it to the Monkey?
|
_______________________________________________
Ever seen the Chinese fortune cookies that have on the back - "Learn Chinese" - they then give the english word, followed by the Chinese word, so we can learn Chinese. My wife had never seen these before - and she stared at the back of her fortune cookie paper in amazement, which read:
Learn Chinese: Phone: "Xiang Lieng"
She says "It's an AD to learn Chinese? I'm supposed to phone Xiang Lieng!? Who the hell is HE!?" (I laughed 'till I stopped)
_______________________________________________
The other day I called my wife "butterbean" and she said "Ewwww!" - why'd she do that? Long time Monkey Cage readers would remember - a story that changed my life about the very word "butterbean":
I had a redneck friend growing up, and he had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean" - WHY did they call him "Butterbean"? Brace yourselves this is not for the squeamish: because this guy "Butterbean" had made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried sex errr...ummm...in her rear and he'd found an actual butterbean stuck on his thing afterwards. I guess he just HAD to tell SOMEONE about this misadventure - and that person told someone, and that person told someone, etc. Until everyone knew the story and began to call this poor guy "Butterbean". (Could he have just as easily been called "Corn"?)
The moral to the story is....well I'm not sure - I'm not good at morals - I think it's that we shouldn't share some stories with even the closest of friends - especially one like this that just MUST be retold so everyone can enjoy it. So if any of my readers ever run across a guy called "Butterbean" please don't laugh at him.
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I don't think you'd last long as a pirate if you enjoyed staying down below deck in your cabin reading poetry, and every night you yelled out "Don't you smelly, one-eyed, one-legged, grog-swilling, booty-stealing, Bacardi smellin', striped-shirt wearin' bastards EVER SLEEP!? Keep it QUIET please for those of us who actually DO want to sleep!!"
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People who need to be pimp slapped - those little people that live in my house that call me "Dad" that will grab a CD-R, burn ONE song, put NO label on the thing, and leave it laying around by the computer as if it's blank. I WILL find you....
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Another person who needs to be pimp-slapped: Chuck E. Cheese. You little loud-mouthed money-hungry token-eatin' rat!
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Monkey Invention of the day: "Monkey Home Liposuction Kit" (MHLK) - for $4.95 Monkey Labs, Inc. will sell you everything you need to do your own safe liposuctioning in the comfort of your own home. Those jeans that fit you last week you can't get into? Simply get your kit, make a quick relatively painless incision, stick the wand in and suck out that fat! (Yes - the fat CAN be saved and used around the house - for cooking, for lubricating squeaky doors, etc - we also include a pamplet "Don't throw that fat away!" full of further tips) (Batteries sold separately)
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I'm thinking the "Girls Gone Wild" video commercials are pretty good - but there's got to be more - how about a "Girls Gone Psycho!" video - in it we'll see girls cutting themselves, we'll see girls locked in institutions flinging their poop at the walls and each other, stabbing people, etc. Think it would sell? What about "Girls Gone Fishing"?! "Girls Gone Shopping"? "Girls Gone Fat"? Sure lots of girls go wild, but they do other stuff too! How about "Girls Gone Premenstrual", (we could have pretty much the same footage as the "Girls Gone Psycho" video!?)
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Favorite confession from today's htttp://grouphug.us : "My penis is only 5 inches long, uncircumsized, and it curves to the left. This makes me very upset."
(I think he'd been okay if it curved to the right - but to the left - that won't do at all - poor guy - Monkey)
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Who came up with the web error: "404 Error - file not found"? Why not an error 207? What's wrong with 193? Why 404!??!
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Monkey Invention of the Day (2) : "Monkey Talking Lollipop" - Through a tiny computer chip and tiny speaker this special lollipop actually "talks" as you eat it - "Eat me - yeahhh....oh yeah.....ahhh...there....right there.....don't stop....suck it now....deeper.....almost there.....don't stop....faster.....ahhhhh....I'm going to explode in your mouth.....yes....yes...YESSSSSS!" (Batteries sold separately)
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The Monkey is a good boy and 99.999% of the time I put the toilet seat back down. But if I've had a few beers for some reason I forget. The other day my wife raised all sorts of hell - claiming she got up during the night and "almost fell in" the toilet because I'd left the seat up. Come on now! I've heard other women bitch about this too - I've heard women saying they "almost fell in the toilet" that I know damned well can barely get their huge asses through the bathroom door let alone fall IN THE TOILET! Cut that out women - or PROVE it to the Monkey - please - the next time a bad, evil man leaves the seat up and you fall in the toilet PLEASE just tread water and stay in there long enough to have someone take a picture of you IN the toilet and PLEASE send it to the Monkey?
It looks like it's Friday, November 19th, and the year is 2004
Today's blog is dedicated to all you people who are at work right now and reading this. What a job you have you lucky SOB! Must be nice to be surfing around at work!
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Favorite Confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "my electric toothbrus is my new best friend."
(gosh - it's great to see someone so concerned with oral hygiene. - Monkey)
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What's the deal with the employees at Old Navy and other stores wearing wireless headsets like Madonna and walking around talking to each other? What are they saying? I can only imagine - I'm SURE they're talking about me: "Look at this poor clown...his wife shopping away...what a loser...he must have no balls at all if he let his wife drag him into Old Navy...she probably makes him listen to Clay Aikens...he probably is getting the Clay Aiken Christmas CD for Christmas...what a pussy-whipped poor sap"
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Long ago my kids left a red frisbee and a basketball in the back yard. As a scientific experiment, I decided to NOT say anything about it and NOT pick them up - to see if one of them would actually go out there and move said items. The basketball and frisbee got faded during the summer, and now that we have snow here in Montana the frisbee is disappeared and the basketball looks like a giant snowball.
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When people say "ROFL" (Rolling on the Floor Laughing) - they're lying - if they were really rolling on the floor laughing they couldn't be typing at the same time. It should be IJGUFROFL (I just got up from rolling on the floor laughing)
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If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
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Don't you just hate it when you go and open a nice can of dolphin meat and find that they've got TUNA mixed in with it!? Can't they even TRY to keep the Tunas from swimming into the dolphin nets?! How hard can that be!?
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Thinking about the cave-man days; Back in the cave man days - you were EXPECTED to drag your wife around by her hair, what if some of the other cave-guys caught you walking with your wife and holding her hand? I think they'd probably say "Unga boomga ummph!!" and call you a "Moomba Boomba gumph"! I love to go down on women almost more than anything in this world - and I was thinking back in cave-man days it probably wasn't quite as fun back then as I'm sure showers and baths weren't as common, and there's no telling what your cave-woman would be like down there - plus she'd have to lay on her back on some dirty, rocky cave floor - I'm sure I'd still do it though - but it makes me grateful to be alive now and not back in cave-man days.
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If you had a fetish where you could only get off if your woman was licking on a big nasty pickled-pig's feet, I'm thinking you may have a lonely sex life.
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If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
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Future prediction of the day: In the year 2012, scientists will be baffled when a "fish boy" is born in a small town in India - he is half-boy, half-fish, and is worshipped as a god in India, despite the fact that he always has a long string of poop hanging out of his backside * In the year 2049, gold will be discovered in Hopkinsville, Kentucky and hundreds of thousands of men & women will journey to this town to strike a claim. They'll call them the '49'ers. * In the year 2007, my son will learn to rinse food off of dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.
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I wake up with huge wood every morning and this starts my day off right. I dread the day, and I know it will come, when I don't wake up to huge morning wood. I'll probably cry that day, call in sick for work, and get drunk.
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The Monkey thinks that if you're a kid in Nigeria that one of your classes in school would be on email scamming - those Nigerians sure know how to churn out email scams - do you think it's taught in schools?
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The following blog entry is written entirely in an invisible font - do not adjust your monitor:
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Speaking of tuna fish (We were) - here in America we tend to call it "tuna fish" - which is pretty silly when you think about it - what other kind of Tuna IS there besides Tuna FISH?
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Monkey tip o' the day: Don't touch the TV remote controls in hotel rooms without washing them first. I read an article about it - maids seldom if EVER clean the remotes, and chances are it's been in the hand of some big slob that never washes his hands after going to the bathroom, or it's sticky from some traveling businessman clown that actually paid $15.00 to watch some pathetic soft-porn and wax the dolphin.
|
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Favorite Confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "my electric toothbrus is my new best friend."
(gosh - it's great to see someone so concerned with oral hygiene. - Monkey)
________________________________________________
What's the deal with the employees at Old Navy and other stores wearing wireless headsets like Madonna and walking around talking to each other? What are they saying? I can only imagine - I'm SURE they're talking about me: "Look at this poor clown...his wife shopping away...what a loser...he must have no balls at all if he let his wife drag him into Old Navy...she probably makes him listen to Clay Aikens...he probably is getting the Clay Aiken Christmas CD for Christmas...what a pussy-whipped poor sap"
________________________________________________
Long ago my kids left a red frisbee and a basketball in the back yard. As a scientific experiment, I decided to NOT say anything about it and NOT pick them up - to see if one of them would actually go out there and move said items. The basketball and frisbee got faded during the summer, and now that we have snow here in Montana the frisbee is disappeared and the basketball looks like a giant snowball.
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When people say "ROFL" (Rolling on the Floor Laughing) - they're lying - if they were really rolling on the floor laughing they couldn't be typing at the same time. It should be IJGUFROFL (I just got up from rolling on the floor laughing)
________________________________________________
If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
________________________________________________
Don't you just hate it when you go and open a nice can of dolphin meat and find that they've got TUNA mixed in with it!? Can't they even TRY to keep the Tunas from swimming into the dolphin nets?! How hard can that be!?
________________________________________________
Thinking about the cave-man days; Back in the cave man days - you were EXPECTED to drag your wife around by her hair, what if some of the other cave-guys caught you walking with your wife and holding her hand? I think they'd probably say "Unga boomga ummph!!" and call you a "Moomba Boomba gumph"! I love to go down on women almost more than anything in this world - and I was thinking back in cave-man days it probably wasn't quite as fun back then as I'm sure showers and baths weren't as common, and there's no telling what your cave-woman would be like down there - plus she'd have to lay on her back on some dirty, rocky cave floor - I'm sure I'd still do it though - but it makes me grateful to be alive now and not back in cave-man days.
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If you had a fetish where you could only get off if your woman was licking on a big nasty pickled-pig's feet, I'm thinking you may have a lonely sex life.
________________________________________________
If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
________________________________________________
Future prediction of the day: In the year 2012, scientists will be baffled when a "fish boy" is born in a small town in India - he is half-boy, half-fish, and is worshipped as a god in India, despite the fact that he always has a long string of poop hanging out of his backside * In the year 2049, gold will be discovered in Hopkinsville, Kentucky and hundreds of thousands of men & women will journey to this town to strike a claim. They'll call them the '49'ers. * In the year 2007, my son will learn to rinse food off of dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.
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I wake up with huge wood every morning and this starts my day off right. I dread the day, and I know it will come, when I don't wake up to huge morning wood. I'll probably cry that day, call in sick for work, and get drunk.
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The Monkey thinks that if you're a kid in Nigeria that one of your classes in school would be on email scamming - those Nigerians sure know how to churn out email scams - do you think it's taught in schools?
________________________________________________
The following blog entry is written entirely in an invisible font - do not adjust your monitor:
________________________________________________
Speaking of tuna fish (We were) - here in America we tend to call it "tuna fish" - which is pretty silly when you think about it - what other kind of Tuna IS there besides Tuna FISH?
________________________________________________
Monkey tip o' the day: Don't touch the TV remote controls in hotel rooms without washing them first. I read an article about it - maids seldom if EVER clean the remotes, and chances are it's been in the hand of some big slob that never washes his hands after going to the bathroom, or it's sticky from some traveling businessman clown that actually paid $15.00 to watch some pathetic soft-porn and wax the dolphin.
Tuesday, November the sixteenth, two-thousand and four
Today's blog is dedicated to Big Bad John. You know him - he stood six foot six and weighed two forty five, Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip, And everybody knew ya didn't give no lip to Big John. He saved 20 miners he did. And you know what it says at the marker they put up for John? "At the bottom of this mine lies a BIG BIG man - Big John" There should be more heros like Big Bad John. He didn't say much, kinda quiet and shy And if you spoke at all, you just said "Hi" to Big John.
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Favorite Confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I like to perform cunillingus and i'm very good at it."
(Jeez - I didn't know this is one we have to confess! Guilty as charged! - Monkey)
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Growing up my mother's friend was a nurse, and she had a little boy. Believe it or not when he was at our house playing she would ask him - "Son, do you need to have a bowel movement?" - or - "Do you need to come inside and urinate?" Can you imagine? Is this how all nurses speak? What does her husband hear in the bedroom? Does she say "Penis" and "Vagina" and "Orgasm" and "Aroused?" The poor guy - you can't call things by their real names - you just can't! Every red-blooded male wants to bang the living daylights out of a nurse - but not if they talk like this!
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Don't you just hate it when you're starving and you're shooting at some food, and up from the ground comes a bubblin' crude!? You can't friggin' EAT bubblin' crude - you can't DRINK it - dammit man when I shoot at food I want to hit FOOD!!!
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My wife loves those mints - the "curiously strong" Altoids - she also takes her share of Excedrin, because she lives with the Monkey. She got the idea of putting some Excedrin pills in the little Altoids tin box. She FAILED to tell the Monkey and so the other night in the car in the dark I grab not one but TWO what I thought were Altoids and pop them in my mouth and start chewing. Pa-TOOEY! I was chewing two Excedrin!! SO nasty! It would've gagged a maggot! There was no water in the car either - I was dying. But does she apologize? Hell no! Instead she LAUGHS at the Monkey and tells me - "Most people don't CHEW Altoids like you do - they suck on them - that's what you get!" That's it - I'm filing for divorce, it's just not safe living with her anymore.
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I've decided that we men are so immature that we couldn't HANDLE being a woman. For instance if we were lactating we'd be having milk squirting contests or trying to write our names on the wall with it, never mind the crying hungry baby - we could have hours of fun with the milk!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "The Buzz" - (PG-17) the touching story of a man who was smoking a cigarette in the jungles of Mississippi when a strange bug flew into the fire of his cigarette. He smoked it anyway, and found the ultimate high - for the next 17.3 hours he was in pure heavenly bliss - the greatest high ever imaginable - he literally was in heaven - better than any drug he'd ever heard of or done - Watch as he spends the next 4 years searching high and low for this bug to smoke more of it. (2hrs, 12 min)
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We were working on another invention in Monkey Labs, Inc. when we made an amazing accidental discovery - stomach acid is so strong it can be used to clean pots and pans! While this isn't exactly an invention we can sell - we can pass this tip on to you - got a pot or a pan with burned, caked-on food? Stomach acid is the answer - that's what it's FOR - to eat away at food right? (Warning: Don't let your guests or family see you puking on the pots and pans to wash them - some people frown on that)
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I'm pleased to report it's been a LONG time since I've heard my wife playing her dreaded Clay Aikens CD! Yep - I think she's OVER HIM - I haven't even seen that CD - it was in her visor in her car - that's the last time I saw it. No more Gay Aikens in my house!? Could it be true!? Rejoice!
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My Mother-In-Law will eat toast like a pig in the kitchen - and not use a plate - "I don't want to dirty up dishes" she'll say - so instead she spills crumbs all over the kitchen counter, the floor, and the table. Gee - thanks for not dirtying up a dish - that would sure suck having to open the dishwasher and put it in when you're done, thanks Mother-In-Law - I'd MUCH rather clean the table, counter and sweep the floor than to have a dirty dish! You're so wise and benevolent - always thinking of others!
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Regular Monkey Readers know the story of the rather obese, rather unattractive lady I worked with who ruined my life for a long time by telling me one day about her "Vaginal Hernia". I don't think I slept for days after hearing that. She left work - (health problems?) - but someone the other day had to further ruin the Monkey by telling me that this lady had some kind of "O-Ring" thing she had to wear down there to "keep things in" - and that she used to have problems with it and would spend a lot of time in the bathroom adjusting and playing with her Vaginal Hernia O-Ring. Someone please shoot me. Please. I beg you.
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People who need to be pimp slapped: The people that decided to make commercials showing yellow, nasty fungus-ridden toenails on TV and show us how we can take pills to kill the nasty yellow toenail fungus. Please.
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My teenaged son could start a fight in an empty house - he really could. And as he grows bigger and taller this gets interesting. He learned a long time ago I'm the Alpha-male Monkey (The Silverback?) in the house - but as he gets taller I think he may have forgotten this. So these days I'll "remind him" of his standing by every now and again coming up to him out of the blue and pounding the hell out of him, or by not moving an inch when we're both coming down the hall and hoping he gets in my way so I can plow through him. I then pretend it was an accident - "Ooops!". Also I tell him I can't WAIT for the day when he thinks he's big enough to try and take me - I can't WAIT! And then I watch the documentaries on animals and discover this is common behavior among male animals and sons! We're not that different are we!? And then I wonder how this all works with single females raising sons? Very interesting to think about eh?
|
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Favorite Confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I like to perform cunillingus and i'm very good at it."
(Jeez - I didn't know this is one we have to confess! Guilty as charged! - Monkey)
________________________________________________
Growing up my mother's friend was a nurse, and she had a little boy. Believe it or not when he was at our house playing she would ask him - "Son, do you need to have a bowel movement?" - or - "Do you need to come inside and urinate?" Can you imagine? Is this how all nurses speak? What does her husband hear in the bedroom? Does she say "Penis" and "Vagina" and "Orgasm" and "Aroused?" The poor guy - you can't call things by their real names - you just can't! Every red-blooded male wants to bang the living daylights out of a nurse - but not if they talk like this!
________________________________________________
Don't you just hate it when you're starving and you're shooting at some food, and up from the ground comes a bubblin' crude!? You can't friggin' EAT bubblin' crude - you can't DRINK it - dammit man when I shoot at food I want to hit FOOD!!!
________________________________________________
My wife loves those mints - the "curiously strong" Altoids - she also takes her share of Excedrin, because she lives with the Monkey. She got the idea of putting some Excedrin pills in the little Altoids tin box. She FAILED to tell the Monkey and so the other night in the car in the dark I grab not one but TWO what I thought were Altoids and pop them in my mouth and start chewing. Pa-TOOEY! I was chewing two Excedrin!! SO nasty! It would've gagged a maggot! There was no water in the car either - I was dying. But does she apologize? Hell no! Instead she LAUGHS at the Monkey and tells me - "Most people don't CHEW Altoids like you do - they suck on them - that's what you get!" That's it - I'm filing for divorce, it's just not safe living with her anymore.
________________________________________________
I've decided that we men are so immature that we couldn't HANDLE being a woman. For instance if we were lactating we'd be having milk squirting contests or trying to write our names on the wall with it, never mind the crying hungry baby - we could have hours of fun with the milk!
________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "The Buzz" - (PG-17) the touching story of a man who was smoking a cigarette in the jungles of Mississippi when a strange bug flew into the fire of his cigarette. He smoked it anyway, and found the ultimate high - for the next 17.3 hours he was in pure heavenly bliss - the greatest high ever imaginable - he literally was in heaven - better than any drug he'd ever heard of or done - Watch as he spends the next 4 years searching high and low for this bug to smoke more of it. (2hrs, 12 min)
________________________________________________
We were working on another invention in Monkey Labs, Inc. when we made an amazing accidental discovery - stomach acid is so strong it can be used to clean pots and pans! While this isn't exactly an invention we can sell - we can pass this tip on to you - got a pot or a pan with burned, caked-on food? Stomach acid is the answer - that's what it's FOR - to eat away at food right? (Warning: Don't let your guests or family see you puking on the pots and pans to wash them - some people frown on that)
________________________________________________
I'm pleased to report it's been a LONG time since I've heard my wife playing her dreaded Clay Aikens CD! Yep - I think she's OVER HIM - I haven't even seen that CD - it was in her visor in her car - that's the last time I saw it. No more Gay Aikens in my house!? Could it be true!? Rejoice!
________________________________________________
My Mother-In-Law will eat toast like a pig in the kitchen - and not use a plate - "I don't want to dirty up dishes" she'll say - so instead she spills crumbs all over the kitchen counter, the floor, and the table. Gee - thanks for not dirtying up a dish - that would sure suck having to open the dishwasher and put it in when you're done, thanks Mother-In-Law - I'd MUCH rather clean the table, counter and sweep the floor than to have a dirty dish! You're so wise and benevolent - always thinking of others!
________________________________________________
Regular Monkey Readers know the story of the rather obese, rather unattractive lady I worked with who ruined my life for a long time by telling me one day about her "Vaginal Hernia". I don't think I slept for days after hearing that. She left work - (health problems?) - but someone the other day had to further ruin the Monkey by telling me that this lady had some kind of "O-Ring" thing she had to wear down there to "keep things in" - and that she used to have problems with it and would spend a lot of time in the bathroom adjusting and playing with her Vaginal Hernia O-Ring. Someone please shoot me. Please. I beg you.
________________________________________________
People who need to be pimp slapped: The people that decided to make commercials showing yellow, nasty fungus-ridden toenails on TV and show us how we can take pills to kill the nasty yellow toenail fungus. Please.
________________________________________________
My teenaged son could start a fight in an empty house - he really could. And as he grows bigger and taller this gets interesting. He learned a long time ago I'm the Alpha-male Monkey (The Silverback?) in the house - but as he gets taller I think he may have forgotten this. So these days I'll "remind him" of his standing by every now and again coming up to him out of the blue and pounding the hell out of him, or by not moving an inch when we're both coming down the hall and hoping he gets in my way so I can plow through him. I then pretend it was an accident - "Ooops!". Also I tell him I can't WAIT for the day when he thinks he's big enough to try and take me - I can't WAIT! And then I watch the documentaries on animals and discover this is common behavior among male animals and sons! We're not that different are we!? And then I wonder how this all works with single females raising sons? Very interesting to think about eh?
Here in Montana it's Saturday, November the 13th, 2004
Today's Monkey Cage Blog is dedicated to the 542 people who lost their lives and more than 100,000 people who lost their homes in a huge flood in Tunisia in September/October of 1969.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "One time my grandma was staying a week at my house and I had just taken a bath. When I got out she said...."Don't drain the water, I'll just use yours!""
(Grandma!!! Come on now! - Monkey)
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How many years have passed and the Monkey STILL finds himself saying every now and again "One Adam 12...see the man..."
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Dissolving Shopping Carts" (MDSC) - Tired of those jerks who leave shopping carts out in the parking lots so the wind will slam them against your car? Are you a Wal*Mart worker and sick of going out there in the cold to gather up the carts and bring them back to the store? Monkey Labs Inc., has created a shopping cart that dissolves magically into thin air 20 minutes after it leaves the store! (warning: Uranium 239 is used in the making of these carts - which MAY leave some people feeling sick - also contains tartrazine (yellow food dye #5)
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What would happen If you sent yourself an invite from gmail, then created 5 more accounts and in each of those sent yourself 6 invites, and in each of those created accounts and sent yourself the invites, created 6 more accounts and sent....
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I love it when I hear someone call someone a "slack-jawed" something or another - slack-jawed Yokel, etc. What the hell does this mean!? Does it mean their mouth is hanging open? Whatever it means - the Monkey likes it.
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Monkey predictions: By the year 2017, we will have self-checkout lines in stores that actually WORK and are worth using. In the year 2009, a man will invent an electronic Etch-A-Sketch, instead of gears and pulleys inside it will use electronics - it will cost $72 and nobody will buy it and the man will go bankrupt and hang himself in a hotel room...people will cheer. In the year 2024 a U.S. President will have the White House painted puke green, there will be a public outcry and she'll have it painted back to white. In the year 2034, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones will release a new solo album which will go platinum.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped. People who touch another person's food - but a HUGE pimp-slap goes out to those people that will grab a bag of something someone's is eating and start reading off information from the label - "Holy COW - 900 grams of carbs!", "Look at the sodium in these chips!", etc. I'd like to pimp-slap these slack-jawed bastards into tomorrow.
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I advocate people downloading music for free on the internet because those programmers work HARD to write the ripping/burning software and they have families to support - where's your compassion? Another reason is that if you people keep BUYING music, the musicians will look at the receipts and start to think "We must be good!" - and they'll stop striving for perfection - make them think we're not listening!
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If I told my mother the dog had to go out side to use the bathroom - she thought it funny to say: "How convenient, the dog has a bathroom outside?" Not funny Mom.
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If I were a Black Widow - I'd be smart enough to know that everyone knows about my red hourglass on my back, it's no secret anymore, and I'd sneak up to people to bite them upside down, on my back, so they couldn't see it. Either that or I think I'd get a black magic-marker and have my friend cover up the hour-glass - then I'd go on a biting spree.
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It gets on my last nerve when I hear the phone ring, call out "I've got it!" - to find some slack-jawed teenaged punk in my house (my son) has bounded for the phone and picked it up in another room right as I'm reaching for it.
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One reason smoke-detectors in houses should be super cheap is that when you try and cook and burn something and they go off, when you smash them right off the ceiling with a broom and the shatter on the floor you won't have lost much money.
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First ever Monkey Cage blog entry written in Arabic:
داود، السبت إن ألفاً من المقاتلين المسلحين قتلوا في المقاتلين المسلحين. وفي غضون ذلك، سارعت عسكرية
(Translated: "Sir, did you have gas on pump number five?")
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If I were a dentist with a waiting room full of people I'd have hours of fun with them. When I had no one in the my chair I'd get one of those pneumonic drills the gas station's use to put on tire lug nuts (Actually they strip the threads with them - but that's another story) and play with that so they could hear it. I'd blow up a big M-80 every now and again, I'd cover my clothes in pig's blood, I'd bang on pots and pans with hammers every now and again - and I'd do all of this while giggling like a small child. Sure I'd probably loose a few patients, but it'd be fun while it lasted.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "One time my grandma was staying a week at my house and I had just taken a bath. When I got out she said...."Don't drain the water, I'll just use yours!""
(Grandma!!! Come on now! - Monkey)
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How many years have passed and the Monkey STILL finds himself saying every now and again "One Adam 12...see the man..."
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Dissolving Shopping Carts" (MDSC) - Tired of those jerks who leave shopping carts out in the parking lots so the wind will slam them against your car? Are you a Wal*Mart worker and sick of going out there in the cold to gather up the carts and bring them back to the store? Monkey Labs Inc., has created a shopping cart that dissolves magically into thin air 20 minutes after it leaves the store! (warning: Uranium 239 is used in the making of these carts - which MAY leave some people feeling sick - also contains tartrazine (yellow food dye #5)
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What would happen If you sent yourself an invite from gmail, then created 5 more accounts and in each of those sent yourself 6 invites, and in each of those created accounts and sent yourself the invites, created 6 more accounts and sent....
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I love it when I hear someone call someone a "slack-jawed" something or another - slack-jawed Yokel, etc. What the hell does this mean!? Does it mean their mouth is hanging open? Whatever it means - the Monkey likes it.
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Monkey predictions: By the year 2017, we will have self-checkout lines in stores that actually WORK and are worth using. In the year 2009, a man will invent an electronic Etch-A-Sketch, instead of gears and pulleys inside it will use electronics - it will cost $72 and nobody will buy it and the man will go bankrupt and hang himself in a hotel room...people will cheer. In the year 2024 a U.S. President will have the White House painted puke green, there will be a public outcry and she'll have it painted back to white. In the year 2034, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones will release a new solo album which will go platinum.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped. People who touch another person's food - but a HUGE pimp-slap goes out to those people that will grab a bag of something someone's is eating and start reading off information from the label - "Holy COW - 900 grams of carbs!", "Look at the sodium in these chips!", etc. I'd like to pimp-slap these slack-jawed bastards into tomorrow.
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I advocate people downloading music for free on the internet because those programmers work HARD to write the ripping/burning software and they have families to support - where's your compassion? Another reason is that if you people keep BUYING music, the musicians will look at the receipts and start to think "We must be good!" - and they'll stop striving for perfection - make them think we're not listening!
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If I told my mother the dog had to go out side to use the bathroom - she thought it funny to say: "How convenient, the dog has a bathroom outside?" Not funny Mom.
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If I were a Black Widow - I'd be smart enough to know that everyone knows about my red hourglass on my back, it's no secret anymore, and I'd sneak up to people to bite them upside down, on my back, so they couldn't see it. Either that or I think I'd get a black magic-marker and have my friend cover up the hour-glass - then I'd go on a biting spree.
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It gets on my last nerve when I hear the phone ring, call out "I've got it!" - to find some slack-jawed teenaged punk in my house (my son) has bounded for the phone and picked it up in another room right as I'm reaching for it.
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One reason smoke-detectors in houses should be super cheap is that when you try and cook and burn something and they go off, when you smash them right off the ceiling with a broom and the shatter on the floor you won't have lost much money.
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First ever Monkey Cage blog entry written in Arabic:
داود، السبت إن ألفاً من المقاتلين المسلحين قتلوا في المقاتلين المسلحين. وفي غضون ذلك، سارعت عسكرية
(Translated: "Sir, did you have gas on pump number five?")
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If I were a dentist with a waiting room full of people I'd have hours of fun with them. When I had no one in the my chair I'd get one of those pneumonic drills the gas station's use to put on tire lug nuts (Actually they strip the threads with them - but that's another story) and play with that so they could hear it. I'd blow up a big M-80 every now and again, I'd cover my clothes in pig's blood, I'd bang on pots and pans with hammers every now and again - and I'd do all of this while giggling like a small child. Sure I'd probably loose a few patients, but it'd be fun while it lasted.
November 11th, 2004 - the Monkey is back!
Today's blog is dedicated to all veterans here on Veteran's Day and honors all who have served (and died) for our great nation in the Armed Service. THANK YOU for the sacrifices you've made. Freedom isn't free. Thank you to all who commented and wished the Monkey a happy 40th birthday - that meant a lot to me. My company is now gone, I'm forty and we're back to business as usual in the Monkey Cage!
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Guys - the next time you're getting bitched at by your woman for spending too much money on something YOU want, and are being given the guilt trip about how "We really can't afford that you know" - just point out her cosmetics in the bathroom! I'll bet you she's got 5 different bottles of (expensive) shampoo, 8 bottles of (expensive) hand lotion, and 13 jars of miscellaneous (expensive) face creams in there - half of them she never even uses! She doesn't have to get approval to spend such money on these things - but YOU get a guilt trip for wanting to buy 10 blank CD's on sale at Eckards?! Show some balls and bring up her cosmetics and bathroom supplies!
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I think if you were doing time in prison and you tried to get some guys together in the exercise yard for a fun game of hopscotch you'd probably not be very popular - you'd best wait until you were released before playing again. You could point out to the guys in the yard that all you really need to play is a piece of chalk and it's hours of fun but somehow I don't think they'd be interested.
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You kids nowadays - spoiled with your internet porn! By golly when I was a kid, we had to actually work to find a thrill. We didn't have these fancy porn sites online, we hardly knew what a computer was - no, we had to settle for a few pages of the underwear section of the Sears catalog and hope we didn't get the pages stuck together - we didn't have Victoria's Secret catalogs either, no sir - we had to settle for dirty saggy tribal boob shots from National Geographic. We also didn't have "Hooters" - by golly we had to settle for that 300 lb woman at Hardees with the massive boobs bending over to get us a ketchup pack and seeing if we could see a peek of them - that was OUR Hooters by golly!
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Bartenders - those guys are studs - I was sipping a beer a beer at the bar the other day and a girl came up to the bartender and asked him for sex on the beach with a blanket - next a girl asked him for a screaming orgasm. He'd just smile and make them a drink - I guess after work these bartender studs just pick the best offer?
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Tip for guys: we don't care about that foreplay stuff too much - they want to kiss and "cuddle" and "talk" before getting down and dirty - here's a secret - try and get some action first thing in the morning when you both wake up - you'll have stinky morning breath really bad - start acting like you're into kissing and cuddling and she'll be grossed out enough by your breath that she'll practically be pushing your head down under the covers - no foreplay and it's HER idea - you can go straight to go and collect 200 dollars! (Warning: Doesn't always work - you could hear: "Honey why don't we go brush our teeth and come back to bed and cuddle?"
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My wife was admiring a very small pink shirt the other day in the store. I don't get it - when I do her laundry and accidently create tiny little pink shirts out of her big white shirts she gets upset! I can't win.
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I wonder if in 1978 in Jonestown, Guyana anyone went up to Jim Jones and asked him how many carbs were in the Kool-Aid?
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I think from now on when a form I'm filling out says "Who to notify in case of emergency" I'm going to put my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Rice. She was a very nice teacher and I've not seen her in years - I don't even know where she is - but I'd love to see her again. Sure I'll have to wait for an emergency - but it'd be cool to see Mrs. Rice again! I say take advantage of the "who to notify in case of emergency" questions - got a movie star you'd like to meet - write it down! Don't worry about the address and phone number - chances are they won't notice when you turn in the form if you leave that blank, and when the emergency does happen you won't be able to help them anyway!
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That song by Pearl Jam - "Don't Call Me Daughter" - I never understood this one - I don't know any guy that wants to be called "daughter" - why sing about it?
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People I'd like to pimp slap - 1) The "Ancient Chinese" - these bastards had a profound, witty "saying" for everything! Didn't they have anything better to do in those days than to walk around being wise? Didn't they have jobs?! 2) The "Ancient Egyptians" and "The Romans" - I'm sick of hearing how THEY did it first - well good for them! "The ROMANS had running water in their houses." "The Ancient Egyptians invented birth control." La-dee-da! I'm sick of you ancient Chinese, you ancient Egyptians and you ancient Romans - if you're so friggin' smart how come you're not around now!? HUH!?
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Yet another good tip from the Monkey: If you're on the way to work and spill coffee on your nice clean shirt, go ahead and pour the rest of the coffee all over your shirt, that way the stain won't be noticed - the whole shirt will be coffee colored and it'll probably be dry by the time you get to work if you roll your window down and drive fast.
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Universal riddle: My wife says she feels like having sex with the Monkey when she feels "close to me". But I feel close to her after some rocking sex and we're falling asleep! Hmmm....I'll bet this is a common dilemma.
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Guys - the next time you're getting bitched at by your woman for spending too much money on something YOU want, and are being given the guilt trip about how "We really can't afford that you know" - just point out her cosmetics in the bathroom! I'll bet you she's got 5 different bottles of (expensive) shampoo, 8 bottles of (expensive) hand lotion, and 13 jars of miscellaneous (expensive) face creams in there - half of them she never even uses! She doesn't have to get approval to spend such money on these things - but YOU get a guilt trip for wanting to buy 10 blank CD's on sale at Eckards?! Show some balls and bring up her cosmetics and bathroom supplies!
________________________________________________
I think if you were doing time in prison and you tried to get some guys together in the exercise yard for a fun game of hopscotch you'd probably not be very popular - you'd best wait until you were released before playing again. You could point out to the guys in the yard that all you really need to play is a piece of chalk and it's hours of fun but somehow I don't think they'd be interested.
________________________________________________
You kids nowadays - spoiled with your internet porn! By golly when I was a kid, we had to actually work to find a thrill. We didn't have these fancy porn sites online, we hardly knew what a computer was - no, we had to settle for a few pages of the underwear section of the Sears catalog and hope we didn't get the pages stuck together - we didn't have Victoria's Secret catalogs either, no sir - we had to settle for dirty saggy tribal boob shots from National Geographic. We also didn't have "Hooters" - by golly we had to settle for that 300 lb woman at Hardees with the massive boobs bending over to get us a ketchup pack and seeing if we could see a peek of them - that was OUR Hooters by golly!
________________________________________________
Bartenders - those guys are studs - I was sipping a beer a beer at the bar the other day and a girl came up to the bartender and asked him for sex on the beach with a blanket - next a girl asked him for a screaming orgasm. He'd just smile and make them a drink - I guess after work these bartender studs just pick the best offer?
_______________________________________________
Tip for guys: we don't care about that foreplay stuff too much - they want to kiss and "cuddle" and "talk" before getting down and dirty - here's a secret - try and get some action first thing in the morning when you both wake up - you'll have stinky morning breath really bad - start acting like you're into kissing and cuddling and she'll be grossed out enough by your breath that she'll practically be pushing your head down under the covers - no foreplay and it's HER idea - you can go straight to go and collect 200 dollars! (Warning: Doesn't always work - you could hear: "Honey why don't we go brush our teeth and come back to bed and cuddle?"
________________________________________________
My wife was admiring a very small pink shirt the other day in the store. I don't get it - when I do her laundry and accidently create tiny little pink shirts out of her big white shirts she gets upset! I can't win.
________________________________________________
I wonder if in 1978 in Jonestown, Guyana anyone went up to Jim Jones and asked him how many carbs were in the Kool-Aid?
_______________________________________________
I think from now on when a form I'm filling out says "Who to notify in case of emergency" I'm going to put my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Rice. She was a very nice teacher and I've not seen her in years - I don't even know where she is - but I'd love to see her again. Sure I'll have to wait for an emergency - but it'd be cool to see Mrs. Rice again! I say take advantage of the "who to notify in case of emergency" questions - got a movie star you'd like to meet - write it down! Don't worry about the address and phone number - chances are they won't notice when you turn in the form if you leave that blank, and when the emergency does happen you won't be able to help them anyway!
________________________________________________
That song by Pearl Jam - "Don't Call Me Daughter" - I never understood this one - I don't know any guy that wants to be called "daughter" - why sing about it?
________________________________________________
People I'd like to pimp slap - 1) The "Ancient Chinese" - these bastards had a profound, witty "saying" for everything! Didn't they have anything better to do in those days than to walk around being wise? Didn't they have jobs?! 2) The "Ancient Egyptians" and "The Romans" - I'm sick of hearing how THEY did it first - well good for them! "The ROMANS had running water in their houses." "The Ancient Egyptians invented birth control." La-dee-da! I'm sick of you ancient Chinese, you ancient Egyptians and you ancient Romans - if you're so friggin' smart how come you're not around now!? HUH!?
________________________________________________
Yet another good tip from the Monkey: If you're on the way to work and spill coffee on your nice clean shirt, go ahead and pour the rest of the coffee all over your shirt, that way the stain won't be noticed - the whole shirt will be coffee colored and it'll probably be dry by the time you get to work if you roll your window down and drive fast.
________________________________________________
Universal riddle: My wife says she feels like having sex with the Monkey when she feels "close to me". But I feel close to her after some rocking sex and we're falling asleep! Hmmm....I'll bet this is a common dilemma.
Sunday Nov. 07, 2004 - Monkey's away
The Monkey is away right now - it's the Monkey's 40th birthday in a few days! My wife surprised the Monkey big-time and brought in relatives and friends from across the U.S. to help celebrate my birthday!!! So the house is filled with company and the "computer room" is being used as a bedroom. I will be back with you fine folks around thursday - I'm sorry - but I didn't want to leave you hanging. I'll be back!! I love you all! Here's some old stuff just for perhaps the new readers to enjoy:
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Favorite quote from today's http://grouphug.us : "i just watched a porn video online. now im emailing the guy to talk about the angles of his production. also what camera and editing software he uses"
(What a freak - Monkey)
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What would happen if a gorilla in the zoo spent all of his time playing with himself? They'd have to move him somewhere because I'm sure the zoo visitors would complain about his antics - but they couldn't return him to the wild because he'd not make it there, and they couldn't put him back on display. What would they do with the masturbating gorilla? These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.
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After we were married - my wife once told me that one (of the many) things she loved about me was that she had NEVER heard me talk badly about anyone - no one. She was right - I never did - for real - I literally did not say anything at all if I could not say something nice about anyone. Over the years this has changed - and she also noticed - and has pointed it out. So the monkey is on a mission - not to speak poorly about anyone - like the old days. Wish me luck.
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Ed at work - he's a slack-jawed, yellow-bellied, stupid, smelly ignorant bastard.
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Do you think it's possible for a guy's wife to have a close female friend and that guy never ONCE think about a threesome? I don't think it's possible.
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I think the "bag boys" at the supermarket don't like it when they say "Would you like paper or plastic?" and you answer - "Yes please"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "HARD TIMES" (R) - the touching, true story of a nursing home in Wamego, Kansas which was pretty mundane, until an 87 year old retired trucker (James Garner) moves in and soon establishes himself as a dealer of Viagra to his fellow nursing home residents. Watch as the world of elderly care is turned upside down as the residents learn there is more to nursing home life than checkers and shufffleboard. (Graphic nudity, adult situations, drug references, extreme violence 1hr 22 min)
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It'd be a really bad day if you were a prisoner and you were going to shank someone out in the exercise yard - you had your shank carefully built, you had access to the guy - and you're out in the exercise yard - and you run up to him screaming "Die you son of a bitch!!!" - and as you're running towards him you realize your hand is empty - you've forgotten your shank.
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Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
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Monkey Prediction of the Day: (they call me Nostradamus) In the year 2007, a 712 lb man in Kentucky will revolutionize the auto industry by perfecting a windshield that needs no windshield wipers - rain, snow, ice, even bugs, literally dissolve the moment it hits this windshield - wipers will become obsolete within months. This will be done through a combination of ultra-high frequencies (UHF), a special gel, four toothpicks, and an Otter's tooth.
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If I were a Mountain Goat and I saw tourists down below me with their binoculars and telescopes looking at me - I'd HAVE to pretend I was scared to death of heights, and I'd trip over little rocks and tumble around - it'd be a blast being a Mountain Goat - HOURS of fun!
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You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens
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My dog used to find his way into our bathroom when we weren't home, and his hobby was to find the trash can when it was that time of the month and proceed to destroy and mutilate old pads and tampons. We'd come home from somewhere and thought we were walking into a murder scene. Helter Skelter for sure. And the dog looks at us as if he's done a GOOD thing.
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More and more women are wearing pigtails these days! I love it! Who among us men can claim they don't ever look at pigtails as "handles" Step forward and identify yourself please, one at a time.
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Favorite quote from today's http://grouphug.us : "i just watched a porn video online. now im emailing the guy to talk about the angles of his production. also what camera and editing software he uses"
(What a freak - Monkey)
______________________________________________
What would happen if a gorilla in the zoo spent all of his time playing with himself? They'd have to move him somewhere because I'm sure the zoo visitors would complain about his antics - but they couldn't return him to the wild because he'd not make it there, and they couldn't put him back on display. What would they do with the masturbating gorilla? These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.
______________________________________________
After we were married - my wife once told me that one (of the many) things she loved about me was that she had NEVER heard me talk badly about anyone - no one. She was right - I never did - for real - I literally did not say anything at all if I could not say something nice about anyone. Over the years this has changed - and she also noticed - and has pointed it out. So the monkey is on a mission - not to speak poorly about anyone - like the old days. Wish me luck.
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Ed at work - he's a slack-jawed, yellow-bellied, stupid, smelly ignorant bastard.
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Do you think it's possible for a guy's wife to have a close female friend and that guy never ONCE think about a threesome? I don't think it's possible.
_____________________________________________________
I think the "bag boys" at the supermarket don't like it when they say "Would you like paper or plastic?" and you answer - "Yes please"
______________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "HARD TIMES" (R) - the touching, true story of a nursing home in Wamego, Kansas which was pretty mundane, until an 87 year old retired trucker (James Garner) moves in and soon establishes himself as a dealer of Viagra to his fellow nursing home residents. Watch as the world of elderly care is turned upside down as the residents learn there is more to nursing home life than checkers and shufffleboard. (Graphic nudity, adult situations, drug references, extreme violence 1hr 22 min)
__________________________________________
It'd be a really bad day if you were a prisoner and you were going to shank someone out in the exercise yard - you had your shank carefully built, you had access to the guy - and you're out in the exercise yard - and you run up to him screaming "Die you son of a bitch!!!" - and as you're running towards him you realize your hand is empty - you've forgotten your shank.
__________________________________________
Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
__________________________________________
Monkey Prediction of the Day: (they call me Nostradamus) In the year 2007, a 712 lb man in Kentucky will revolutionize the auto industry by perfecting a windshield that needs no windshield wipers - rain, snow, ice, even bugs, literally dissolve the moment it hits this windshield - wipers will become obsolete within months. This will be done through a combination of ultra-high frequencies (UHF), a special gel, four toothpicks, and an Otter's tooth.
__________________________________________
If I were a Mountain Goat and I saw tourists down below me with their binoculars and telescopes looking at me - I'd HAVE to pretend I was scared to death of heights, and I'd trip over little rocks and tumble around - it'd be a blast being a Mountain Goat - HOURS of fun!
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You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens
__________________________________________
My dog used to find his way into our bathroom when we weren't home, and his hobby was to find the trash can when it was that time of the month and proceed to destroy and mutilate old pads and tampons. We'd come home from somewhere and thought we were walking into a murder scene. Helter Skelter for sure. And the dog looks at us as if he's done a GOOD thing.
__________________________________________
More and more women are wearing pigtails these days! I love it! Who among us men can claim they don't ever look at pigtails as "handles" Step forward and identify yourself please, one at a time.
November the fourth, 2000 and 4
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Roger Robitaille, a 57 year old School Department assistant superintendent, who died after having fallen down some stairs at his home in New Bedford, Massachusetts in 2003. The Monkey's been silly-busy lately so some (but not all) of my entries in today's blog are repeats. I apologize for this.
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Favorite quote from today's http://grouphug.us : "is it wrong that i keep every pubic hair i find in the shower in a jar next to my bed?"
(Well no - gosh - don't we ALL do that?! - Monkey)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: DOWN SLIDE (PG-17) - A penguin named "Crystal" in Antarctica looses her balance and slips down a rather steep and slippery embankment. Watch as she slides to the icy bottom, dodging seals, rocks, other penguins. (2 hrs, 24 min) "A moving story" says Siskel & Ebert. "Chilling" says the Washington Post.
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written by a guy that feeds his fish every morning:
June 13, 08:27AM: Fed the fish
June 12, 08:25AM: Fed the fish
June 11, 08:20AM: Fed the fish
June 10, 11:20AM: Slept in - but fed the fish
June 09, 08:23AM: Fed the fish
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Monkey Future Prediction: In the future it will be relatively easy to have your actual lungs replaced with artificial lungs that do just as good of a job. Once "installed" - these lungs can be rather easily replaced with new ones through day surgery. You smokers out there - smoke away and get your lungs replaced monthly with new, clean ones. At only $14.50 each lung, and $70.00 for the day surgery - you'll be enjoying new, fresh clean lungs in no time.
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I'd like to see someone breed a Chocolate Labrador - that when you go up and lick it - actually tastes like chocolate! The Lab wouldn't mind! Right? And how about the Golden Retriever's coat tastes like butterscotch when you lick it!? The White Lab can taste like vanilla, and I want a Rotweiler's fur to taste like a mocha! I'm gong to get together in my Monkey Lab with Willy Wonka right after I post this blog and we'll see what we can do!
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It never fails - when some disgruntled employee comes into an office with a gun blazing away at folks, later someone always says "I heard a popping sound - I thought it was just firecrackers" I don't know about where YOU work - but MOST places frown on setting off fire crackers in the office - so if you hear firecrackers in your office - it's NOT!! Also later they interview neighbors of the killers and we get the same story: "He was a quiet man, minded his own business, never any trouble" So let's all stay one step ahead, and go around our neighborhoods finding quiet, reserved, well-mannered men and let's beat the living hell out of them NOW before they hurt someone! Let's GO! Report back here tomorrow!
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People I want to pimp-slap: "High-Fivers" (I call them) - my wife's uncle - he holds up his hand for a high-five when someone's said something he likes, he wants to high-five when he thinks he's said something funny, he wants to high-five when there is good news, he wants to high-five when he greets me, he high-fives non-stop like he's in a bowling alley.
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One banana, two banana, three banana, four
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin' on to bring you the Banana Splits show
NOT a good song to listen to while working out - I was listening to this Banana Splits theme song while benching - and sure enough - I started laughing at how stupid I was for listening to the Banana Splits song while bench pressing, which almost made me kill myself. Tra la la, la la la la
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How come dogs decide to do that butt-dragging thing on the carpet only when there's company around?
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Moon-Beam Productions" - An ultra-powerful laser sends beams of laser light to the MOON. Yep - it was only a matter of time before you looked up and saw "DRINK COCA-COLA" or a Viagra ad on the face of the moon - right? Now to get on your very LAST nerve, Monkey Labs, Inc., has created moon advertising. It ought to be illegal! Your ad will be seen by BILLIONS around the world each night.
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The family was speaking of last Wills tonight - I told them I wasn't going to leave money or possessions to them, instead I was going to leave CHORES for everyone in my Will!example: "My dear son, I love you, please vacuum the living room, to my dear son #2, please clean the dog water bowl and sweep the garage, to my dearest wife - would you please wash the car?" etc. And then my son says "I'm going to call my Will my 'last will and TESTICLE instead of Last Will and Testament'" What!? Why does he always have to be SILLY when we're having a serious conversation!?
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Big jim’s been drinkin’ whiskey, And playing poker on a losin’ night
Pretty soon, Big Jim starts a thinkin’, Somebody been cheatin’ and lyin’
So Big Jim commences to fightin’, I wouldn’t tell you no lie
And Big Jim done grab his pistol - Shot his friend right between the eyes"
- Lynyrd Skynyrd "Saturday Night Special"
I'm thinking that this was 1975 when Lynyrd Skynyrd sang about this - and I'm thinking "Big Jim" is already LONG out of prison for shooting his friend right between the eyes, perhaps he served 10-12 years with parole - he probably has new friends by now to play poker with, and hopefully they don't cheat and lie.
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Favorite quote from today's http://grouphug.us : "is it wrong that i keep every pubic hair i find in the shower in a jar next to my bed?"
(Well no - gosh - don't we ALL do that?! - Monkey)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: DOWN SLIDE (PG-17) - A penguin named "Crystal" in Antarctica looses her balance and slips down a rather steep and slippery embankment. Watch as she slides to the icy bottom, dodging seals, rocks, other penguins. (2 hrs, 24 min) "A moving story" says Siskel & Ebert. "Chilling" says the Washington Post.
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written by a guy that feeds his fish every morning:
June 13, 08:27AM: Fed the fish
June 12, 08:25AM: Fed the fish
June 11, 08:20AM: Fed the fish
June 10, 11:20AM: Slept in - but fed the fish
June 09, 08:23AM: Fed the fish
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Monkey Future Prediction: In the future it will be relatively easy to have your actual lungs replaced with artificial lungs that do just as good of a job. Once "installed" - these lungs can be rather easily replaced with new ones through day surgery. You smokers out there - smoke away and get your lungs replaced monthly with new, clean ones. At only $14.50 each lung, and $70.00 for the day surgery - you'll be enjoying new, fresh clean lungs in no time.
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I'd like to see someone breed a Chocolate Labrador - that when you go up and lick it - actually tastes like chocolate! The Lab wouldn't mind! Right? And how about the Golden Retriever's coat tastes like butterscotch when you lick it!? The White Lab can taste like vanilla, and I want a Rotweiler's fur to taste like a mocha! I'm gong to get together in my Monkey Lab with Willy Wonka right after I post this blog and we'll see what we can do!
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It never fails - when some disgruntled employee comes into an office with a gun blazing away at folks, later someone always says "I heard a popping sound - I thought it was just firecrackers" I don't know about where YOU work - but MOST places frown on setting off fire crackers in the office - so if you hear firecrackers in your office - it's NOT!! Also later they interview neighbors of the killers and we get the same story: "He was a quiet man, minded his own business, never any trouble" So let's all stay one step ahead, and go around our neighborhoods finding quiet, reserved, well-mannered men and let's beat the living hell out of them NOW before they hurt someone! Let's GO! Report back here tomorrow!
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People I want to pimp-slap: "High-Fivers" (I call them) - my wife's uncle - he holds up his hand for a high-five when someone's said something he likes, he wants to high-five when he thinks he's said something funny, he wants to high-five when there is good news, he wants to high-five when he greets me, he high-fives non-stop like he's in a bowling alley.
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One banana, two banana, three banana, four
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin' on to bring you the Banana Splits show
NOT a good song to listen to while working out - I was listening to this Banana Splits theme song while benching - and sure enough - I started laughing at how stupid I was for listening to the Banana Splits song while bench pressing, which almost made me kill myself. Tra la la, la la la la
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How come dogs decide to do that butt-dragging thing on the carpet only when there's company around?
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Moon-Beam Productions" - An ultra-powerful laser sends beams of laser light to the MOON. Yep - it was only a matter of time before you looked up and saw "DRINK COCA-COLA" or a Viagra ad on the face of the moon - right? Now to get on your very LAST nerve, Monkey Labs, Inc., has created moon advertising. It ought to be illegal! Your ad will be seen by BILLIONS around the world each night.
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The family was speaking of last Wills tonight - I told them I wasn't going to leave money or possessions to them, instead I was going to leave CHORES for everyone in my Will!example: "My dear son, I love you, please vacuum the living room, to my dear son #2, please clean the dog water bowl and sweep the garage, to my dearest wife - would you please wash the car?" etc. And then my son says "I'm going to call my Will my 'last will and TESTICLE instead of Last Will and Testament'" What!? Why does he always have to be SILLY when we're having a serious conversation!?
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Big jim’s been drinkin’ whiskey, And playing poker on a losin’ night
Pretty soon, Big Jim starts a thinkin’, Somebody been cheatin’ and lyin’
So Big Jim commences to fightin’, I wouldn’t tell you no lie
And Big Jim done grab his pistol - Shot his friend right between the eyes"
- Lynyrd Skynyrd "Saturday Night Special"
I'm thinking that this was 1975 when Lynyrd Skynyrd sang about this - and I'm thinking "Big Jim" is already LONG out of prison for shooting his friend right between the eyes, perhaps he served 10-12 years with parole - he probably has new friends by now to play poker with, and hopefully they don't cheat and lie.
They're calling today November first, two-thousand and four
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 58 passengers who died onboard a Northwest Airlines DC-4 on June 24th, 1950 when it crashed into Lake Michigan. The cause of that crash, the most disastrous in commercial aviation to that date, was never determined.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "people at my work have oral sex in the stairwells."
("Gotta run up to the 19th floor and grab some paperwork - be back in a few hours - I'll be taking the stairs...I think the elevator's broken" - Monkey)
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Monkey Future Predictions: In the year 2010, a Chinese boy will be born that speaks only in that strange modem talk - he hisses and squeals and can actually log into an ISP and navigate the web using only his mysterious modem voice - scientists will be baffled. Repeatedly the Monkey has warned his readers through his predictions that fish are NOT to be trusted and should NOT be kept as pets - the Monkey warns again now - fish are NOT to be trusted - this will become clear in the future, I cannot reveal how I see this - yet - stay tuned. The Southpark character "Butters" will run in the next presidential election...and nearly win!
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No matter what we teach our kids sometimes we're surprised. The oldest one was goofing off the other day and said something to the effect of "And what if I had AIDS!?" The smallest son says - "Umm, I think if you had AIDS we would've kicked you out of our house by now!" (my wife had a LONG talk with him about compassion while I went to another room and snickered)
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The Case of the slapping pee-pee: I used to work with a fellow, and anytime he was in the bathroom he could be heard SLAPPING his talley-whacker when he was finished peeing - not giving it a shake like most guys - but he must have been using his fingers and slapping it! Darndest thing I ever heard, and somewhat scary!
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Blogs I'd like to see: More of the "World's Biggest Sexual Pervert Blog":
Oct 04 2004: Paid a prostitute to come to my house pretending to sell Avon and when I let her in I paid her to spank me with Jehovah's Witness pamplets and curse me in fluent Pig Latin.
Oct 05 2004: Paid a street walker to come to my house and pretend she was Condoleeza Rice and sprinkle Parmesan cheese on my ass while we did it.
Oct 06 2004: Called a phone sex line and had the lady yell out "Help me I'm drowning!" over and over while I held the phone under water in the kitchen sink and masturbated.
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I think if I were a huge Great White Shark, I'd swim up on other smaller fish really quickly as if I were going to eat them - but at the last moment I'd turn away and let them live. That would surely make some of them appreciate their lives more after such a scary experience right? The only problem is I'd probably start to get really hungry after too much of this - and SOMEBODY would have to die - sorry.
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I've decided in advance - that when the Monkey turns old enough for Senior Citizen Discounts - I'm going to be a HUGE pain in the ass for everyone. No matter WHAT I buy I'm going to insist on a Senior Citizen's Discount - no, I'll DEMAND a senior citizen's discount! And if they don't give senior citizen's discounts I'll huff and puff and get upset and ask if they perhaps have Triple-A discounts?
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The Monkey Remembers: I remember when I was a kid for at least a year or so there were oval, red "STP" stickers everywhere, along with "Bud Man" stickers! I don't know who the marketing genius was back then at STP or Budweiser, but they were GOOD. Every kid's notebook and locker in school had a "Bud Man" sticker or an "STP" sticker on it. Of course we young punks said that STP stood for "Stinking Toilet Paper". Years later I found out STP actually stands for "Scientifically Treated Petroleum" - (Save that one for your next Scrabble game!)
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey Remote (MR) - where's the remote for your TV?! It was just here! Is it under the chair? Between the cushions? Did you take it into the bathroom? Monkey labs, Inc., has created a TV Remote that finds YOU instead of you finding it! When you've misplaced your remote, simply say "Remote - where the hell ARE YOU!?" (Also responds to Spanish and Mayan commands) - sit back and wait - within seconds your remote, using state-of-the-art robotics, will WALK to you! (Batteries sold separately, contains small parts that may present a choking hazard to small children)
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My Mother-in-law seems to LIVE for the Scott Peterson trial - she talks about and watches the trial non-stop as if it's earth-shattering stuff and tells anyone she meets about the trial. So the other day she started rattling to the Monkey about the Scott Peterson trial and I stopped her - "Who the hell is Scott Peterson? - the name sounds vaguely familiar?!" I said. (She may think even LESS of the Monkey now)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Tongue Depressed (R) - the touching story of a lonely single Philadelphia man who, in order to impress the girls, has a real, big, pink dog's tongue surgically implanted. But things start to go horribly wrong with his brilliant idea when he finds himself licking his own backside, he finds the ladies don't care much for him drinking from toilet bowls, and more misadventures. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never forget this touching story. (2 hrs, 4 min)
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Free Monkey Tip: When checking into a hotel and filling in that paperwork - they always want to know - "License Plate Number:" - Just say hold on and go out to the parking lot and write down any ol' license plate number you see out there - the one nearest the door will work just fine. They never really say it has to be YOUR license plate number!
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A note from Mrs. Monkey was waiting for me when I got up this morning - "Sorry I've not been spending much time with you lately - it's not you - I'm just feeling a little blue lately and don't know why - how about tonight we have an appointment - we'll take a bath together" Ain't that sweet!? Women are so good with words, and so MATURE and romantic! If I had tried to leave such a note for her it would've had something immature like a drawing of a stick couple doing it doggy style or 69'ing and I'd have scrawled - "Tonight - bedroom - BE THERE baby!!"
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People that need to be pimp-slapped. You people that put nice American flag magnetic stickers on the back of your car - then proceed to let your car get trashed in mud and dirt - including the American Flag - HELLO? That's the American FLAG - take it off your car if you can't respect it - the American flag should not be covered in mud and dirt! If you want your car dirty - fine - take the flag off!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "people at my work have oral sex in the stairwells."
("Gotta run up to the 19th floor and grab some paperwork - be back in a few hours - I'll be taking the stairs...I think the elevator's broken" - Monkey)
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Monkey Future Predictions: In the year 2010, a Chinese boy will be born that speaks only in that strange modem talk - he hisses and squeals and can actually log into an ISP and navigate the web using only his mysterious modem voice - scientists will be baffled. Repeatedly the Monkey has warned his readers through his predictions that fish are NOT to be trusted and should NOT be kept as pets - the Monkey warns again now - fish are NOT to be trusted - this will become clear in the future, I cannot reveal how I see this - yet - stay tuned. The Southpark character "Butters" will run in the next presidential election...and nearly win!
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No matter what we teach our kids sometimes we're surprised. The oldest one was goofing off the other day and said something to the effect of "And what if I had AIDS!?" The smallest son says - "Umm, I think if you had AIDS we would've kicked you out of our house by now!" (my wife had a LONG talk with him about compassion while I went to another room and snickered)
__________________________________________
The Case of the slapping pee-pee: I used to work with a fellow, and anytime he was in the bathroom he could be heard SLAPPING his talley-whacker when he was finished peeing - not giving it a shake like most guys - but he must have been using his fingers and slapping it! Darndest thing I ever heard, and somewhat scary!
__________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: More of the "World's Biggest Sexual Pervert Blog":
Oct 04 2004: Paid a prostitute to come to my house pretending to sell Avon and when I let her in I paid her to spank me with Jehovah's Witness pamplets and curse me in fluent Pig Latin.
Oct 05 2004: Paid a street walker to come to my house and pretend she was Condoleeza Rice and sprinkle Parmesan cheese on my ass while we did it.
Oct 06 2004: Called a phone sex line and had the lady yell out "Help me I'm drowning!" over and over while I held the phone under water in the kitchen sink and masturbated.
__________________________________________
I think if I were a huge Great White Shark, I'd swim up on other smaller fish really quickly as if I were going to eat them - but at the last moment I'd turn away and let them live. That would surely make some of them appreciate their lives more after such a scary experience right? The only problem is I'd probably start to get really hungry after too much of this - and SOMEBODY would have to die - sorry.
__________________________________________
I've decided in advance - that when the Monkey turns old enough for Senior Citizen Discounts - I'm going to be a HUGE pain in the ass for everyone. No matter WHAT I buy I'm going to insist on a Senior Citizen's Discount - no, I'll DEMAND a senior citizen's discount! And if they don't give senior citizen's discounts I'll huff and puff and get upset and ask if they perhaps have Triple-A discounts?
__________________________________________
The Monkey Remembers: I remember when I was a kid for at least a year or so there were oval, red "STP" stickers everywhere, along with "Bud Man" stickers! I don't know who the marketing genius was back then at STP or Budweiser, but they were GOOD. Every kid's notebook and locker in school had a "Bud Man" sticker or an "STP" sticker on it. Of course we young punks said that STP stood for "Stinking Toilet Paper". Years later I found out STP actually stands for "Scientifically Treated Petroleum" - (Save that one for your next Scrabble game!)
__________________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey Remote (MR) - where's the remote for your TV?! It was just here! Is it under the chair? Between the cushions? Did you take it into the bathroom? Monkey labs, Inc., has created a TV Remote that finds YOU instead of you finding it! When you've misplaced your remote, simply say "Remote - where the hell ARE YOU!?" (Also responds to Spanish and Mayan commands) - sit back and wait - within seconds your remote, using state-of-the-art robotics, will WALK to you! (Batteries sold separately, contains small parts that may present a choking hazard to small children)
__________________________________________
My Mother-in-law seems to LIVE for the Scott Peterson trial - she talks about and watches the trial non-stop as if it's earth-shattering stuff and tells anyone she meets about the trial. So the other day she started rattling to the Monkey about the Scott Peterson trial and I stopped her - "Who the hell is Scott Peterson? - the name sounds vaguely familiar?!" I said. (She may think even LESS of the Monkey now)
__________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Tongue Depressed (R) - the touching story of a lonely single Philadelphia man who, in order to impress the girls, has a real, big, pink dog's tongue surgically implanted. But things start to go horribly wrong with his brilliant idea when he finds himself licking his own backside, he finds the ladies don't care much for him drinking from toilet bowls, and more misadventures. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never forget this touching story. (2 hrs, 4 min)
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Free Monkey Tip: When checking into a hotel and filling in that paperwork - they always want to know - "License Plate Number:" - Just say hold on and go out to the parking lot and write down any ol' license plate number you see out there - the one nearest the door will work just fine. They never really say it has to be YOUR license plate number!
__________________________________________
A note from Mrs. Monkey was waiting for me when I got up this morning - "Sorry I've not been spending much time with you lately - it's not you - I'm just feeling a little blue lately and don't know why - how about tonight we have an appointment - we'll take a bath together" Ain't that sweet!? Women are so good with words, and so MATURE and romantic! If I had tried to leave such a note for her it would've had something immature like a drawing of a stick couple doing it doggy style or 69'ing and I'd have scrawled - "Tonight - bedroom - BE THERE baby!!"
__________________________________________
People that need to be pimp-slapped. You people that put nice American flag magnetic stickers on the back of your car - then proceed to let your car get trashed in mud and dirt - including the American Flag - HELLO? That's the American FLAG - take it off your car if you can't respect it - the American flag should not be covered in mud and dirt! If you want your car dirty - fine - take the flag off!
