The
Monkey CageHalloween, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to all the people tonight who later on will be GOBLIN on their mates. ONE new one today the rest is repeats.
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If I were a tightrope walker in the circus my theme song that would play when I came out would be a remake of a Johnny Cash hit - modified - "I Walk The Twine"
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A survey by the American Psychological Society says this is the most memorable moment in any person's life is a person's first kiss. I have to agree - I'll never forget her - she was dark haired...the most beautiful eyes..intelligent...sensual. I kissed her and she kissed me back - with tongue! Unfortunately it wasn't a long kiss because my mother interrupted us - she'd seen us from the kitchen window "Get away from that dog!!!" she yelled.
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?" you'd scream
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I've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
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Bad phone/cyber sex:
Guy: "So baby tell me what you're wearing right now?"
Girl: "I'm wearing a red flannel nightgown that I got online from Sears. It's 100% soft cotton flannel and I got it on sale the other day when my friend Jackie and I went shopping at the Bridgewood Mall over on Carson street. She said it was too much, even on sale, but she always says shit like that. They had sold out on all the pink ones or so they SAY. I asked the sales clerk if she minded checking in the back for pink ones and she was like..."I GUESS" and rolled her eyes. She went away for about five seconds and was back. I know damned well she didn't go check. And Jackie said she saw her just walk over and talk to another bitch sales clerk for a few seconds and then came back. After that I was tempted to not buy anything there, but the red one wasn't so bad and I'd just paid some on my Sears card so I did have credit."
Girl: You there?
Girl: Hello?
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If I were a tightrope walker in the circus my theme song that would play when I came out would be a remake of a Johnny Cash hit - modified - "I Walk The Twine"
----------------------------------
A survey by the American Psychological Society says this is the most memorable moment in any person's life is a person's first kiss. I have to agree - I'll never forget her - she was dark haired...the most beautiful eyes..intelligent...sensual. I kissed her and she kissed me back - with tongue! Unfortunately it wasn't a long kiss because my mother interrupted us - she'd seen us from the kitchen window "Get away from that dog!!!" she yelled.
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?" you'd scream
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I've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
----------------------------------
Bad phone/cyber sex:
Guy: "So baby tell me what you're wearing right now?"
Girl: "I'm wearing a red flannel nightgown that I got online from Sears. It's 100% soft cotton flannel and I got it on sale the other day when my friend Jackie and I went shopping at the Bridgewood Mall over on Carson street. She said it was too much, even on sale, but she always says shit like that. They had sold out on all the pink ones or so they SAY. I asked the sales clerk if she minded checking in the back for pink ones and she was like..."I GUESS" and rolled her eyes. She went away for about five seconds and was back. I know damned well she didn't go check. And Jackie said she saw her just walk over and talk to another bitch sales clerk for a few seconds and then came back. After that I was tempted to not buy anything there, but the red one wasn't so bad and I'd just paid some on my Sears card so I did have credit."
Girl: You there?
Girl: Hello?
10/26
Today's blog is dedicated to the Allman Brothers. (And to Paul, the Indian kid)
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If I were ever a screw - I've decided I would not want to be that screw that holds the little drain thing down in the bottom of a urinal. People purposely pee on your head.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "there's this indian kid i know named paul... man what a jerk. sometimes i just want to smash his face in."
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Doesn't it suck when you're paying $5.99 a minute for hot phone sex and she says she's laying on her bed doing herself hard with a big glass dildo and you hear a voice on her end of the phone saying "Ma'am that's a Whopper Jr., large fries and a large vanilla shake, please drive around to the window for your total" What a rippy-jip!
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We've had Johnny Cash, a Johnny Paycheck, I'm thinking of moving to Nashville as country singer "Johnny Credit Card" (do you think audiences will accept me or will I be declined?)
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I'm thinking if you were an official US Census Taker and you went around telling women "This year we have to actually see and count each nipple in your household" you may not get away with it.
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Those guys in the "Everything's a Dollar" store DON'T think it's funny when you continuously call them over and ask the price of stuff - nor do they like it when you ask where their LCD flat screen TV's are. Jeez - lighten UP will ya!?
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Example of how ONE person can ruin it for ALL of us: Because ONE guy decides he's gonna go on a McDonald's-only diet, make a movie, and get rich, the rest of us can't Super-Size our meals there anymore. Thanks a LOT asshole.
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I'm trying to find a "Boston Limited Osciloscope Works" (BLOW) in the phone book just so I can call their HR department and tell the lady I could really use a Blow job and I think she's just the lady to give me one - I'll tell her I've heard she gives the best blow jobs in the entire state and that I'm flying to Boston to her office just for one of her blow jobs.
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If I were ever a screw - I've decided I would not want to be that screw that holds the little drain thing down in the bottom of a urinal. People purposely pee on your head.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "there's this indian kid i know named paul... man what a jerk. sometimes i just want to smash his face in."
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Doesn't it suck when you're paying $5.99 a minute for hot phone sex and she says she's laying on her bed doing herself hard with a big glass dildo and you hear a voice on her end of the phone saying "Ma'am that's a Whopper Jr., large fries and a large vanilla shake, please drive around to the window for your total" What a rippy-jip!
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We've had Johnny Cash, a Johnny Paycheck, I'm thinking of moving to Nashville as country singer "Johnny Credit Card" (do you think audiences will accept me or will I be declined?)
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I'm thinking if you were an official US Census Taker and you went around telling women "This year we have to actually see and count each nipple in your household" you may not get away with it.
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Those guys in the "Everything's a Dollar" store DON'T think it's funny when you continuously call them over and ask the price of stuff - nor do they like it when you ask where their LCD flat screen TV's are. Jeez - lighten UP will ya!?
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Example of how ONE person can ruin it for ALL of us: Because ONE guy decides he's gonna go on a McDonald's-only diet, make a movie, and get rich, the rest of us can't Super-Size our meals there anymore. Thanks a LOT asshole.
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I'm trying to find a "Boston Limited Osciloscope Works" (BLOW) in the phone book just so I can call their HR department and tell the lady I could really use a Blow job and I think she's just the lady to give me one - I'll tell her I've heard she gives the best blow jobs in the entire state and that I'm flying to Boston to her office just for one of her blow jobs.
10/23 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to Jessica Alba - not really all of her - just her ass. Older favorite "I think It would suck..." posts today.
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidently called her "Butterfish"
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I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
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I think it would suck if you were born with three arms, and you grew up in a small Nevada town next to an abandoned US Nuclear Testing Facility - and you were crying all the time because of your three arms and screaming "WHY!? Oh God in heaven WHY!? WHYYY!!" - but all the other neighbors and family were also fucked up and deformed and they'd be like "Look homey - you gots to DEAL with that shit man you know what I'm saying? We're ALL deformed in this town yo!" And sure enough you look around and there's people with three heads, people with NO arms but only fingers, no feet, etc. But you want to feel "special" and want sympathy so you have to move to another town where you're the only "freak" around.
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I think it would suck if you were a little girl and went to see your grandfather and you walked into his house and he was sitting at the computer logged into pornotube.com and he had his old man trousers around his ankles and was jacking off and he's so deaf he didn't even hear you come in.
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I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous “Christian Rock” band and you were back stage getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, but your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
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I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – but you’d KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their ignorant faces every now and again.
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I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?
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I think it would suck if you were a Blood but you had some sort of weird hand deformity and every time you flashed the Blood gang sign in the hood to your gang-bangin' homeys it looked WAY too much like the Crip sign.
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I think it would suck if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings.
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidently called her "Butterfish"
----------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
---------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were born with three arms, and you grew up in a small Nevada town next to an abandoned US Nuclear Testing Facility - and you were crying all the time because of your three arms and screaming "WHY!? Oh God in heaven WHY!? WHYYY!!" - but all the other neighbors and family were also fucked up and deformed and they'd be like "Look homey - you gots to DEAL with that shit man you know what I'm saying? We're ALL deformed in this town yo!" And sure enough you look around and there's people with three heads, people with NO arms but only fingers, no feet, etc. But you want to feel "special" and want sympathy so you have to move to another town where you're the only "freak" around.
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I think it would suck if you were a little girl and went to see your grandfather and you walked into his house and he was sitting at the computer logged into pornotube.com and he had his old man trousers around his ankles and was jacking off and he's so deaf he didn't even hear you come in.
--------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
--------------------------------
I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous “Christian Rock” band and you were back stage getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, but your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
--------------------------------
I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – but you’d KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their ignorant faces every now and again.
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I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?
--------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were a Blood but you had some sort of weird hand deformity and every time you flashed the Blood gang sign in the hood to your gang-bangin' homeys it looked WAY too much like the Crip sign.
--------------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings.
It's 10/18/06 out there....
Today's blog is dedicated to Cassia Riley - 'nuff said. New stuff today (Note I didn't say GOOD stuff!) WTF? Why is this login box coming up on my blog? Anyone have any ideas what that is? 67.15.255.4 Realm: cPanel WTF? Leave a comment please if you've any ideas.
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Fun in real life: So I'm setting up my password on a web site:
Web site: "In case you lose or misplace your password, please answer this security question: What was your favorite pet's name?"
Monkey: "SAM"
Web Site: "Sorry answers must be between 7-14 characters in length. Please try again."
Monkey: "SAAAAAAM?"
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I think it might be awkward if you were the CEO of the "Bust a Nut on a Slut" website and it was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"
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Heard one of them-there rap-songs today: "Even though I can call a whole heep a burdans, I know there's a bunch of blessings as well. I remember when I had to sleep on benches, straight rob motherfuckers and leap over fences In a single bound, I wish my mama could see me now. Ain't no detectives trying to see me now, with no rival gangs trying to beat me down. It's MTV and BET now, and ain't no mo' regular weed ain't nothing but the best herb. With a grandaddy size cup of codiene, straight eight over ice nigga yes sir I'm leaning like I need a V8, representing for the 3rd Coast" And I stopped in a somber Monkey moment...to reflect on how these words pertain to my OWN life - and I came to the conclusion that...they didn't.
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I think if my name were Carrie and I went into porn I'd be "Carrie Underwear" Yeahhhh!
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Things that make the Monkey sad: There are women out there; grown, adult women, who have never in their lives truly had their pussies eaten - not just a quick little obligatory lick or two, ('cause you think she'll return the favor for that!) but truly WORSHIPED and MADE LOVE TO for hours at a time by a devoted, experienced, talented mouth. This is not something you LEARN to do cowboy - you're BORN with it like Leonardo was born to paint, and you either got it or you don't.
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I think if you were a new pirate on the pirate ship and the head pirate called out to you "Arrgh - raise the Jolly Roger!!!" and you thought he meant to pull out your penis and hold it up proudly you may end up walking the plank pretty quickly buddy!!! Get your act together will ya!??!
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I think a good time to murder your entire family with an axe would be on Halloween night - cause you could even leave their bodies on the front lawn and all the neighborhood kids would be like "Dude your display is SICK man way to go!!!" and high-fiving you and you might even win your neighborhood's Halloween Decorating Award for 2006. Too bad you can't share it the next day with your family. Asshole.
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Fun in real life: So I'm setting up my password on a web site:
Web site: "In case you lose or misplace your password, please answer this security question: What was your favorite pet's name?"
Monkey: "SAM"
Web Site: "Sorry answers must be between 7-14 characters in length. Please try again."
Monkey: "SAAAAAAM?"
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I think it might be awkward if you were the CEO of the "Bust a Nut on a Slut" website and it was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"
---------------------------------
Heard one of them-there rap-songs today: "Even though I can call a whole heep a burdans, I know there's a bunch of blessings as well. I remember when I had to sleep on benches, straight rob motherfuckers and leap over fences In a single bound, I wish my mama could see me now. Ain't no detectives trying to see me now, with no rival gangs trying to beat me down. It's MTV and BET now, and ain't no mo' regular weed ain't nothing but the best herb. With a grandaddy size cup of codiene, straight eight over ice nigga yes sir I'm leaning like I need a V8, representing for the 3rd Coast" And I stopped in a somber Monkey moment...to reflect on how these words pertain to my OWN life - and I came to the conclusion that...they didn't.
----------------------------------------
I think if my name were Carrie and I went into porn I'd be "Carrie Underwear" Yeahhhh!
---------------------------------
Things that make the Monkey sad: There are women out there; grown, adult women, who have never in their lives truly had their pussies eaten - not just a quick little obligatory lick or two, ('cause you think she'll return the favor for that!) but truly WORSHIPED and MADE LOVE TO for hours at a time by a devoted, experienced, talented mouth. This is not something you LEARN to do cowboy - you're BORN with it like Leonardo was born to paint, and you either got it or you don't.
-------------------------------
I think if you were a new pirate on the pirate ship and the head pirate called out to you "Arrgh - raise the Jolly Roger!!!" and you thought he meant to pull out your penis and hold it up proudly you may end up walking the plank pretty quickly buddy!!! Get your act together will ya!??!
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I think a good time to murder your entire family with an axe would be on Halloween night - cause you could even leave their bodies on the front lawn and all the neighborhood kids would be like "Dude your display is SICK man way to go!!!" and high-fiving you and you might even win your neighborhood's Halloween Decorating Award for 2006. Too bad you can't share it the next day with your family. Asshole.
10/11/12
Today's blog is dedicated to that guy in the Pink Floyd song "HEY YOU" - the guy who is "out there beyond the wall, breaking bottles in the hall" You gotta love people that are out there in the hall breaking bottles on walls. (Unless you walk around barefoot a lot)Could there be a few repeats in today's post? Only the old-timer Monkey Cage readers can say for sure.
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I'd like to see a road that is built with a sign that warns "Road Narrows" - with thick trees on both sides of the road, I'd like to see the road actually start to narrow down until it disappears. I think it would be great fun - sure folks would be angry about it at first when their cars get crushed between trees - but later I think they'd have a good chuckle about it.
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"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Visa payment this month is late?" I USED to answer with what they want to hear: "It was on oversight, sorry, I'll mail it tomorrow" Fuck that - I've learned I have much more fun with something like:
"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Ford payment this month is late?"
"It's late because I'm a slacker...I could've mailed it Wednesday night, but was too tired after work to fuck with it. And then Thursday night I ended up going over to the bar and knocking back some Yaeger shots and when I got home I was a bit too wasted to sit down with the bills and besides I had me a nice little drunk MILF that came home with me. Friday night I was fucking around reading blogs and found a little surprise pot in a drawer I didn't know I had, smoked that and watched the History Channel and fell asleep on the couch...and then...."
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I think it would suck if you were in West Virginia and you were fucking your sister one night and then the next morning your mama told one of you to take out the trash and you and your sister got into a big fight about who had to do it and who did it last. It’d kind of be a bummer to fight with her after last night.
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I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Devout Man" (R) - the touching true story of a man who goes to his local church, gets down on his knees to pray, has a heart attack, and dies in that position, but no one knows he's dead - they think he's praying. Watch as his family and friends leave him alone - watch as the preacher is impressed with this man's dedication and even leaves the light on at night in the church. Impressed but concerned, his family and other church members bring him food and water - but he is only interested in praying. (2 hrs, 20 min Adult themes, drug use, violence, adult lang. Sodomy)
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I'd like to see a road that is built with a sign that warns "Road Narrows" - with thick trees on both sides of the road, I'd like to see the road actually start to narrow down until it disappears. I think it would be great fun - sure folks would be angry about it at first when their cars get crushed between trees - but later I think they'd have a good chuckle about it.
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"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Visa payment this month is late?" I USED to answer with what they want to hear: "It was on oversight, sorry, I'll mail it tomorrow" Fuck that - I've learned I have much more fun with something like:
"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Ford payment this month is late?"
"It's late because I'm a slacker...I could've mailed it Wednesday night, but was too tired after work to fuck with it. And then Thursday night I ended up going over to the bar and knocking back some Yaeger shots and when I got home I was a bit too wasted to sit down with the bills and besides I had me a nice little drunk MILF that came home with me. Friday night I was fucking around reading blogs and found a little surprise pot in a drawer I didn't know I had, smoked that and watched the History Channel and fell asleep on the couch...and then...."
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I think it would suck if you were in West Virginia and you were fucking your sister one night and then the next morning your mama told one of you to take out the trash and you and your sister got into a big fight about who had to do it and who did it last. It’d kind of be a bummer to fight with her after last night.
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I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Devout Man" (R) - the touching true story of a man who goes to his local church, gets down on his knees to pray, has a heart attack, and dies in that position, but no one knows he's dead - they think he's praying. Watch as his family and friends leave him alone - watch as the preacher is impressed with this man's dedication and even leaves the light on at night in the church. Impressed but concerned, his family and other church members bring him food and water - but he is only interested in praying. (2 hrs, 20 min Adult themes, drug use, violence, adult lang. Sodomy)
Today must be 10/9/06
Today's (repeat) blog is dedicated to Katie Holmes - Katie I told you last night I'd dedicate my next blog to you and now I'm doing it! This one's for you. Some of my favorites today.
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When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
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(And that was home schooling)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day (2): "Bi-Polar" (PG-17) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
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My grandmother was always allowed to go around the house farting and it was excused because she'd say "Goodness! This medication!" (But when I try it in my house and add "Goodness! This beer!" - it's not acceptable. I don't get it.)
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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If you were a cat, working as slave labor in an evil Chinese cat-toy factory - I'll bet if they caught you even ONCE batting at the toys on the assembly line you'd be Factory Manager Wong Lee's DINNER that night buddy!! Quit fucking around!!
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If I were a fish in someone's aquarium, I'd wait until one of my buddies had one of those really long string turds hanging from his ass, as we fish do, and I'd swim up and do trapeze tricks on it.
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If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get my nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she might be startled, but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd start making those really cool clicking dolphin sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.
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I think one part about being in Heaven we don't hear much about it is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suck
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When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
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(And that was home schooling)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day (2): "Bi-Polar" (PG-17) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
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My grandmother was always allowed to go around the house farting and it was excused because she'd say "Goodness! This medication!" (But when I try it in my house and add "Goodness! This beer!" - it's not acceptable. I don't get it.)
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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If you were a cat, working as slave labor in an evil Chinese cat-toy factory - I'll bet if they caught you even ONCE batting at the toys on the assembly line you'd be Factory Manager Wong Lee's DINNER that night buddy!! Quit fucking around!!
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If I were a fish in someone's aquarium, I'd wait until one of my buddies had one of those really long string turds hanging from his ass, as we fish do, and I'd swim up and do trapeze tricks on it.
-----------------------
If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get my nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she might be startled, but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd start making those really cool clicking dolphin sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.
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I think one part about being in Heaven we don't hear much about it is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suck
10/5/09
Today's blog is dedicated to Astro-Glide™, if you've ever tasted KY® on her, you'll agree that Astro-Glide™ wins the taste test! (Only two repeats today!)
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I think it would totally suck if you had one of those styrofoam fake boulders and you threw it up in the air to let it land on your head to be funny and your friend the witch turned it into a REAL boulder in mid-air because she thought THAT would be funny.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I'm 29 years old, and obsessed with cannibalism. Back at university, a group of students were holding a gathering, and one guy had chopped his finger off - we all tried a bit, and I immediately realised this is something I want to do in life. Since then, I have tried a bit of arm, and part of a toe." (That's nuthin' cowboy, I've been earing pussy for years - Monkey)
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If I had a little penis and I was going bald, I'd probably love checking my email because there's so many cures for both out there.
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So here I am, watching my lady try on clothes - there's nothing more beautiful than watching your lady try on clothes, I'm really getting into it as she wiggles her beautiful sweet ass out of her pants, when she suddenly looks down, sees me, and runs away to tell Target management! (Lessons the Monkey learned; She wasn't really my lady after all, and you're not supposed to peek under the partitions in the changing rooms!)
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If I saw a guy holding a cardboard sign down on the corner at Wal*Mart that said "Will work for food, gas money, sex, beer, and shelter" I'd yell out of my car to him - "That's what we ALL do asshole! It's called LIFE!"
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Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.
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Signs you grew up poor white trash: You can remember ONE of your redneck racist stepfathers had a sawed-off table leg behind the seat of his pick-up truck and he proudly called it a “Nigger Knocker”
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I have one of those clocks that's an "atomic clock" and the cat knocked it over the other day - I just know I'm gonna end up with Cancer.....
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I think it would totally suck if you had one of those styrofoam fake boulders and you threw it up in the air to let it land on your head to be funny and your friend the witch turned it into a REAL boulder in mid-air because she thought THAT would be funny.
----------------------------------
My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I'm 29 years old, and obsessed with cannibalism. Back at university, a group of students were holding a gathering, and one guy had chopped his finger off - we all tried a bit, and I immediately realised this is something I want to do in life. Since then, I have tried a bit of arm, and part of a toe." (That's nuthin' cowboy, I've been earing pussy for years - Monkey)
------------------------------------------
If I had a little penis and I was going bald, I'd probably love checking my email because there's so many cures for both out there.
------------------------------------------
So here I am, watching my lady try on clothes - there's nothing more beautiful than watching your lady try on clothes, I'm really getting into it as she wiggles her beautiful sweet ass out of her pants, when she suddenly looks down, sees me, and runs away to tell Target management! (Lessons the Monkey learned; She wasn't really my lady after all, and you're not supposed to peek under the partitions in the changing rooms!)
-------------------------------------------
If I saw a guy holding a cardboard sign down on the corner at Wal*Mart that said "Will work for food, gas money, sex, beer, and shelter" I'd yell out of my car to him - "That's what we ALL do asshole! It's called LIFE!"
------------------------------------------
Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.
----------------------------------
Signs you grew up poor white trash: You can remember ONE of your redneck racist stepfathers had a sawed-off table leg behind the seat of his pick-up truck and he proudly called it a “Nigger Knocker”
----------------------------------
I have one of those clocks that's an "atomic clock" and the cat knocked it over the other day - I just know I'm gonna end up with Cancer.....
Weekend Monkey Thoughts
Today's blog is dedicated to the werewolves of London (Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain) and Warren Zevon. Newsflash: Any Missoula, Montana ladies dare take the Monkey out for a drink or some Monkey Chow? I'm ready. (You don't have to admit to it later, but you can know that you went out "with the monkey") I can even bring 'Possum with me and I'm not really like what I write about. (or am I?)
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If you were a pirate and were drinking grog with your pirate buddies I don't think it'd be a good idea to ask if they saw the latest "Project Runway" and what they thought about it or you'd be soon introduced to "Project Keelhaul"! Arrrghh!
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If I were the Tinman on The Wizard of Oz, when nobody was looking I'd whisper in Dorothy's sweet ear: "I may be made of tin, but parts of me are made of STEEL baby!"
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I think if you were in Heaven, and you'd been doing shots of Jaegar and smoking some wicked stinky herb with a hot angel chick all day long and you both were serverely fucked up and you both went over to a cloud and you had her propped up on that cloud and had your face buried in her sweet angel pussy - and Jesus walked by and said some freaky Jesus-type cryptic quote like "Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." - you'd be so stoned and horny you'd just look up at him and be like "Whatever, dude" - which may piss him off, but damn, he's a dude ya know, he should know you don't interrupt a man when's eating some nice pussy and has a mean buzz on.
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I think Saddam Hussein is distracted in that court because he's trying to remember - "Damn - did I leave the oven turned on back in my spider hole!?!?"
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If I were a one-eyed man, I'd take my glass eyeball out and scramble around on the floor in a crowd of people searching for something - when someone asked "Did you loose a contact?" I'd look up at them and say "No - I lost my fuckin' EYE!!!!!!!!!"
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--------------------------------
If you were a pirate and were drinking grog with your pirate buddies I don't think it'd be a good idea to ask if they saw the latest "Project Runway" and what they thought about it or you'd be soon introduced to "Project Keelhaul"! Arrrghh!
---------------------------------
If I were the Tinman on The Wizard of Oz, when nobody was looking I'd whisper in Dorothy's sweet ear: "I may be made of tin, but parts of me are made of STEEL baby!"
---------------------------------
I think if you were in Heaven, and you'd been doing shots of Jaegar and smoking some wicked stinky herb with a hot angel chick all day long and you both were serverely fucked up and you both went over to a cloud and you had her propped up on that cloud and had your face buried in her sweet angel pussy - and Jesus walked by and said some freaky Jesus-type cryptic quote like "Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." - you'd be so stoned and horny you'd just look up at him and be like "Whatever, dude" - which may piss him off, but damn, he's a dude ya know, he should know you don't interrupt a man when's eating some nice pussy and has a mean buzz on.
---------------------------------
I think Saddam Hussein is distracted in that court because he's trying to remember - "Damn - did I leave the oven turned on back in my spider hole!?!?"
----------------------------------
If I were a one-eyed man, I'd take my glass eyeball out and scramble around on the floor in a crowd of people searching for something - when someone asked "Did you loose a contact?" I'd look up at them and say "No - I lost my fuckin' EYE!!!!!!!!!"
