Today's blog is dedicated to all you women who wear thongs - red ones...mmmm.... A few repeats, a few new today.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Monkey Studios, Inc. presents "Punch Bug" (PG-17) - based on a true story! In 1987 a man named Robert Altwitz turned to smack his 12-year old son in the car because he saw a green Volkswagen Beetle. The lady behind Robert in traffic called the cops. As the cops arrested Robert along the highway, a green Beetle passed by and Robert hit the cop - now charged with child abuse and assaulting an officer, Robert was sentenced to three years behind bars. (3 hrs, 40 min Adult situations, adult language, drug use, sodomy scenes)
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I think it would be cool if you're going to a book signing at Barnes & Noble or meeting a famous person somewhere to bring your jellyfish - "Would you please sign my jellyfish?" - and then when they sign it the pen will rupture the fragile jellyfish's skin and it would make a small screaming sound and die - then you could sue.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "People say that a woman eating a banana is sexy, but what I think is even more sexy is a woman sucking a big cock"
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Little girls of a certain age love seahorses, stuffed animals, unicorns, and they love rainbows and sparkly things. Monkey Toys Inc., (a subsidiary of Monkey Labs, Inc.) has come up with a stuffed, rainbow colored, sparkly seahorse who is also a unicorn! We'll be rich! (Batteries sold separately) Warning: Stuffed animal may contain lead, may contain ortho-phenylphenol, This product may contain undeclared egg whites. Choking hazard)
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I can't help but think if you were a person born perfectly normal except for you had two squid tentacles instead of arms - and you got pulled over by the cops and they started screaming "Keep your hands on the wheel sir!" - you could sue the government for a LOT of money for discrimination and harassment and you'd be rich squid boy! RICH!
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Profound moments in Monkey's childhood: I was at a friend's house when I was a kid and this kid's sister had a really cool dollhouse and dolls. I was bored and started playing with it - I had the Mother and Father dolls getting it on in every possible position in every room - she gave him head on the living room couch, he fucked her doggy style on the bathroom floor, I was having a blast and thinking dollhouses CAN be fun when my friend's mother came upstairs and caught me ( the father eating the mother out on the floor in the kitchen.

Today's blog is dedicated to the guy who invented the cool bank drive through tube system - they were cool when I was a kid and they're still cool. Some old stuff today...some new.
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I'm thinking if Steve Irwin was in heaven and Ann Richards shows up he's going to think it's a croc and spring into action and throw a rope around her neck.
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If I lived way back in the day - I'd be one of those disciple dudes that just hangs around that Jesus guy all day - because hey - it sure beats working and there's always wine!!
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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If I were born less than an inch tall, I'd sleep on a crouton bed.
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If I ran a Meth lab I'd throw in a little caffeine into the mix just to ensure my customers are even MORE addicted than the tweakers down the road at my friend Kevin's meth lab. (Sorry Kevin - it's just business!)
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If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
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Signs the Monkey is immature: When they have one of those "Your speed is.." gadgets along the road I purposely drive exactly 69 MPH just so everyone can see it, and then I giggle. (I just wish someone would've told me it was a school district!)
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If I were a tight-rope walker and everyone was looking up at me, I'd purposely start peeing my pants and it would splatter them below - they'd think I was just so scared and forgive me - but really I'd be so high up there they wouldn't hear me laughing my ass off.
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If I were a hummingbird, I'd be an EVIL Hummingbird; I'd flutter in place right in front of someone's face and when they say "Awww how PRECIOUS!" I'd swoop in and jab my long nectar-sucking beak into their eardrum, puncturing it. Sure they'd scream and cry, but I'd be like "Oh man, sorry dude, I thought your ear was a flower"

Today's blog is dedicated to the lady with three kids I saw today at Albertsons who still had a killer body and a killer smile. Today I decided to post some of my favorite "I think if..." blog entries from the past. (Because I'm too damned lazy today to come up with anything original so I borrow from the Monkey of old)
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I think if you were in Heaven and you had your harp and started fucking around with it, pretending your harp was a pitchfork and you were in Hell - and one of the Angels or Jesus or God saw you - they'd be like "HEY!! You think that shit is FUNNY!? I'll send your clown-ass down there if you think that shit's so funny - that's a fuckin' EXPENSIVE musical instrument not a prop for a GAG to make your buddies laugh Mr. Funny Man!!!"
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I think if you were a Nazi General and Hitler invited you to a dinner party at the Eagle's Nest - you might not want to bring Tamika Goldfarb, your half-black, half-jewish girlfriend - even if she DID make a mean potato salad to bring along.
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I think if you were doing time in prison and you tried to get some guys together in the exercise yard for a fun game of hopscotch you'd probably not be very popular - you'd best wait until you were released before playing again. You could point out to the guys in the yard that all you really need to play is a piece of chalk and it's hours of fun but somehow I don't think they'd be interested.
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I think if you got caught looking at hardcore porn by your boss and you said you were "looking for ways to fuck our competition" that the boss wouldn't believe you.
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I think if you were an alien and came down to Earth one night to do cattle mutilations the other aliens would get upset with you if you instead cut off pieces of the meat, took it back to the UFO, cured it, and started making beef jerky and giving it away back on your alien planet to friends and family. That's for scientific experiments fool!
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I think if your father were a lawyer and you were a teenager it'd be all-to-easy to say "So SUE ME Dad!" and he'd probably get real tired of it real fast.
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the john off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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I think if you were a cowboy out on the range with the other cowboys, sitting around the fire eating beans and drinking thick, black coffee - you wouldn't want to say "Say...any of you guys have any of that Sleepy Time Herbal Tea? That stuff is awesome!"
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I think if you were an astronaut on the shuttle and you were strapped in beside your partner on the pad ready for liftoff, and you had to fart really badly - it'd be best to wait until you heard Mission Control saying "..three..two...one..liftoff" and THEN let one rip because no one could hear it over the noise, and I don't think the other astronaut would smell anything because there'd be rocket fuel burning.
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show, bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow the fuck up.
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I think if I were an old west cowboy, I'd be a gunslinger. Yep, I'd sneak up to the saloon door and sling my gun in there at all the other cowboys as hard as I could and then run like hell down the street, giggling.
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I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with a smartassed "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cave woman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!
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I think if you were a miner back in the old days - the other miners would get pissed off if you constantly yelled "It's the Mother Load!!" and when they came over you were just over there taking a dump at your claim.

Today's blog is dedicated to Denise Richards. Today's half new, half old today.
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Not a lot of folks know this, but we Monkeys are often sent out on top-secret missions by the U.S. Government in spy planes to fly over countries and collect data. If I'm ever shot down over China, I'm no idiot - I DID take a foreign language class or two in high school, the first thing I'm going to ask is "¿Habla usted inglés?" - if my captives look confused I will then try "Sprechen Sie Englisch?" If they still look confused I guess I'm fucked.
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You kids nowadays - SPOILED! Why when you kids need a quick pick-me-up by golly you just march down to the corner store and pick up one of those newfangled super-high caffeine energy drinks - Red Bull, RockStar, Amp, no sir, we had to go out in the street, barefoot, march ourselves up hill, both ways, usually in the snow, find someone dealing, and buy speed. No sir we weren't spoiled back then.
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My ex-wife said I never was good at cleaning - I say bullshit, just today in the shower I saw a soap scum on the shower wall, without even thinking I sprang into cleaning action and started peeing on it, soon it was gone.
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Favorite confession from today's Group Hug "My nipples are the size of CD's"
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I think if you were a cowboy, and out riding the range - you'd get into trouble very quickly if ALL you did was the cowboy stuff and never minded the cattle. For instance if you only sat around a fire eating beans and singing songs, while the cattle wondered off or got rustled - I'd think you'd be in hot water with the boss when you got back to the ranch.
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I think it would suck if you were a little girl and went to see your grandfather and you walked into his house and he was sitting at the computer logged into pornotube.com and he had his old man trousers around his ankles and was jacking off and he's so deaf he didn't even hear you come in.
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Discuss amongst yourselves the old wise saying "if it smells like fish, eat all you wish. if it smells like cologne, leave it alone!" Discuss how this piece of advice could be true, or if you don't believe it - discuss how it's not true. Please show all of your work and double-space. 16,000 word minimum on this project.
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My Aunt would tell us kids at the beach - "Put your ear to the seashell and you can hear the ocean!" What the FUCK!? Why would I sit AT THE OCEAN and listen into a seashell to hear the ocean!? I always felt like saying - "Put your lips to my ass and you can kiss my ass" - but I never did - I was a good kid back then.

Today's blog is dedicated to the good people of GEORGIA!!!!
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My favorite nickname seen in a chatroom: "RumpleDickSkin"
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I'll bet it's nerve-wracking if you were thrown into a jail in the old west, and you wake up the next morning and sure enough - there's hammering outside in the street and you think - FUCK - they're building the gallows to hang me - but you peek through the bars in the street and it's just some kid building a dog house. Whew.
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Someone in an ad was selling vegetarian burgers that were "individually raped" That makes sense, however, because the Monkey has always said, "Fuck Vegetarian Burgers"
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Favorite confession from today's Group Hug "My wife divorced me just because I was arrested for feeling up an 8 year old girl."
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Monkey Studios Movie Idea of the Day: “Skin Flute” ( R) True story. In 1979 a Michigan man named Robert J. Skin invented in his garage a new form of the flute – a flute never before seen – a flute that he was sure would change the music world. He called it the “Skin Flute” and begins to promote it. He was shocked to find the music industry laughed at his Skin Flute, but he was sure it would be a hit and he took to the roads to promote it himself, traveling around to schools and colleges and orchestras, begging flutist to PLEASE take his skin flute in their mouth and try it, just ONCE! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll never forget this movie. (2 hrs, 40 min) Graphic Violence, Adult Situations, Adult Language, Drug Use, Sodomy, Nudity, Implied Bestiality
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If I ever found MY cat in the cradle with the silver spoon, I'd be like "Get the FUCK outta that cradle you nasty flea-bitten cat - and what the HELL are you doing with that spoon!?"
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One thing that sucks about having sex is cleaning up afterwards - there's sticky keys and my mouse is all nasty and sometimes I have to wipe off my monitor. Sucks.
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This morning on the way to work I saw a nasty, used diaper laying along the highway in the ditch - I swear kids are caring less and less about the environment at earlier and earlier ages!
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Monkey Tee Shirt Idea: "If I had a nickle for every time I've been violently raped .. I'd have $4.80"
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Guys, it's romantic to be in the shower and, using only hair, the wet shower wall, and your finger configure a "I (Heart) U". for her to see when she gets in the shower. (But it's not quite as romantic if you've used your pubic hair)

Today I don't blog the usual Monkey business - but spend a lot of time thinking about my fellow Americans (and Canadians!) killed on September 11, 2001 by cowardly terrorists. Like you, I'll never forget that day and where I was and how I felt watching TV that day. I called a Navy recruiter in the next few days to try to go back in the military to help kick some ass - that didn't work out, but the Monkey was pissed and to this day is STILL pissed and hurt about what they did to us that day.

2,973 were killed;

246 people on the 4 planes.

2,602 in NYC in the towers and on the ground

343 NYFD

23 NYPD

37 Port Authority police officers,

And an additional 24 people remain missing to this day in the attack.

Today’s blog is dedicated to Claudia Lynx. Holy cow lady - the things you do to the monkey! Today’s blog is all NEW stuff - can you believe it?
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Nurses at the hospital DON’T think it’s funny when you ring the nurse call button over and over again during the night and when they come rushing in you say “Oops, sorry, my penis keeps hitting the button”
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Monkey Studios Inc. presents “Sahay” (Hindi for “Help”) (PG-17) - the true story of an elderly lady from India, who is wheelchair bound, who gets stuck on an elevator during a power outage with an American teenaged girl - watch as cultures collide....watch as cultures unite. (2 hrs, 7 min Graphic Violence, Nudity, Drug use, sodomy, lesbian scenes, graphic language, implied bestiality)
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I think after the young hot company HR chick finishes grilling you in the interview and she finally says “Now, do you have any questions for me?” it’s probably NOT a good idea to say “Yes, may I please lick your hot HR pussy?”
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I think it’d be a BAD idea if you started a mayonnaise company and your name was Edward Spooge
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I think if you were a ghost that lived in a haunted house and one day found some WD-40 and went around fixing all the creaking floors and doors, all the other ghosts would be like “Dude, what the fuck is your PROBLEM!?”
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Things that keep the Monkey up late at night: I can’t help but think that there’s a super-rich rancher in Texas who built his ranch's corral out of solid GOLD and the Golden Corral Corporation gets word of this and a huge copyright case ensues over his right to have a Golden Corral
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Things that keep the Monkey up late at night (Part II) - this big monkey penis that’s just SO much fun to play with!!
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If a kid’s cereal company made a prize for the kids that was actually a piece of cereal, how would the kids know which one was the prize??
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Speaking of cereal, when I was young my brother would come into the kitchen in the morning yawning, in his PJ’s, with his hand down his pants scratching his balls and then he’d start digging in the Captain Crunch box for the prize at the bottom.