The
Monkey CageSeptember the first! September the first!
Today’s blog is dedicated to the great Australian inventor Arthur Biship, with over 300 worldwide patents
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidentally called her "Butterfish"
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Monkey Quote of the Day. "Show me a 'Happy Camper' and I'll show you a Boy Scout who smuggled some weed to the Jamboree in the bottom of his sleeping bag"
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I guess I've always been sort of perverted & sick - when I was a kid and watched "The Andy Griffith Show" I always thought it'd be wild to have an episode where Andy and Barny come home early and find Opie up in Aunt Bee's bedroom, with Aunt Bee on her hands and knees and Opie behind her eating at the Y and giving her a rim job
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show, bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow the fuck up.
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Monkey Labs Inc. works on solving world hunger, (update) Monkey Labs, Inc. has decided that the answer to world hunger is not creating FOOD, but rather to shrink all people down to about 1 inch in height so they can get by on LESS food. One or two grains of rice can feed ONE small person!
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Don't you hate it when you're so drunk you go to the bathroom to put in some eye drops but instead end up going into the garage and putting "Ortho Weed-B-Gon Lawn Weed Killer 2" in your eyes? (Both of 'em)
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So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!?
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Remember being in the playground and it's finally your turn at the top of the slide and the little bitch girl behind you is like "Hurry UP!" Remember you'd slap her really hard across the thigh and then quickly make your escape down the slide!? I did this the other day at the park and the girl's parents ran up and were highly upset and screaming something about the cops - Jeez - kids are so sensitive these days!
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidentally called her "Butterfish"
------------------------------
Monkey Quote of the Day. "Show me a 'Happy Camper' and I'll show you a Boy Scout who smuggled some weed to the Jamboree in the bottom of his sleeping bag"
-------------------------------
I guess I've always been sort of perverted & sick - when I was a kid and watched "The Andy Griffith Show" I always thought it'd be wild to have an episode where Andy and Barny come home early and find Opie up in Aunt Bee's bedroom, with Aunt Bee on her hands and knees and Opie behind her eating at the Y and giving her a rim job
------------------------------------
I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show, bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow the fuck up.
------------------------------------
Monkey Labs Inc. works on solving world hunger, (update) Monkey Labs, Inc. has decided that the answer to world hunger is not creating FOOD, but rather to shrink all people down to about 1 inch in height so they can get by on LESS food. One or two grains of rice can feed ONE small person!
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Don't you hate it when you're so drunk you go to the bathroom to put in some eye drops but instead end up going into the garage and putting "Ortho Weed-B-Gon Lawn Weed Killer 2" in your eyes? (Both of 'em)
---------------------------------------------
So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!?
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Remember being in the playground and it's finally your turn at the top of the slide and the little bitch girl behind you is like "Hurry UP!" Remember you'd slap her really hard across the thigh and then quickly make your escape down the slide!? I did this the other day at the park and the girl's parents ran up and were highly upset and screaming something about the cops - Jeez - kids are so sensitive these days!
August 29th, 2007
Today’s blog is dedicated to the good people of Indiana. Apologies in advance for repeats. (Some I’ve just played around with/modified)
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One of the best ways to keep your teenager off pot is to lock that shit up! Don’t just hide it under your bed, in a drawer, etc - actually take the time to lock up your stash - you don’t want your kids to grow up to smoke that stuff do you!?
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Here's a free Monkey Tip for Veterinarians!: Vets - the next time you neuter a young cat, don't throw those balls away just yet! Make a really cool "catnip ball toy" for cats! They love 'em! Here's how; keep some catnip handy in the OR, after removing the cat's balls, quickly sprinkle some catnip into the little scrotum, sew it up - whamo - instant cat toy! You can even give it to the cat you just neutered as a "Get Well Soon!" fun cat toy! (He'll think it looks vaguely familiar - but won't recognize them entirely - don't worry)
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If I worked at a fast food drive-thru on the intercom, I'd tell people to "Thank You. Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me 'cause I'd be in the 2nd window!
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If I worked at a fast food joint and it was my time to clean the bathroom and initial the “Rest Room cleanliness check-off sheet” on the back of the door I’d initial it with my finger and some shit.
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I saw a menu today that read "Grill Cheese". They also had "Fry Chicken" and you could also get "Grill Onion"!!
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I think it would flat-out suck if you went with your girlfriend to her Mother's house for a huge family meal and you had your hard dick out at the dinner table for your girlfriend to secretly play with, and then the fuckin' Dad says "Let's all join hands for a prayer" - and her mother reached over and grabbed your cock.
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I envision a man born with a birth defect that makes him look like a giant ass. But he goes on with life and people try to ignore it - until one day at the company BBQ when Dave, drunk again, said in conversation: "Hey I love tits - I'm a tit man - Bob - what about you bud? You a tit man or an ....errr......sorry Bob"
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Monkey's Tip for Guys: Guys - if you leave a nice romantic "I (heart) U" written on her bathroom mirror with lipstick to surprise her when she wakes up - make sure it's not your GIRLFRIEND'S lipstick you found on the floor of your pickup - Girls know their own lipstick colors.
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One of the best ways to keep your teenager off pot is to lock that shit up! Don’t just hide it under your bed, in a drawer, etc - actually take the time to lock up your stash - you don’t want your kids to grow up to smoke that stuff do you!?
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Here's a free Monkey Tip for Veterinarians!: Vets - the next time you neuter a young cat, don't throw those balls away just yet! Make a really cool "catnip ball toy" for cats! They love 'em! Here's how; keep some catnip handy in the OR, after removing the cat's balls, quickly sprinkle some catnip into the little scrotum, sew it up - whamo - instant cat toy! You can even give it to the cat you just neutered as a "Get Well Soon!" fun cat toy! (He'll think it looks vaguely familiar - but won't recognize them entirely - don't worry)
---------------------------------------------
If I worked at a fast food drive-thru on the intercom, I'd tell people to "Thank You. Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me 'cause I'd be in the 2nd window!
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If I worked at a fast food joint and it was my time to clean the bathroom and initial the “Rest Room cleanliness check-off sheet” on the back of the door I’d initial it with my finger and some shit.
-----------------------------------------
I saw a menu today that read "Grill Cheese". They also had "Fry Chicken" and you could also get "Grill Onion"!!
----------------------------------------
I think it would flat-out suck if you went with your girlfriend to her Mother's house for a huge family meal and you had your hard dick out at the dinner table for your girlfriend to secretly play with, and then the fuckin' Dad says "Let's all join hands for a prayer" - and her mother reached over and grabbed your cock.
------------------------------------------
I envision a man born with a birth defect that makes him look like a giant ass. But he goes on with life and people try to ignore it - until one day at the company BBQ when Dave, drunk again, said in conversation: "Hey I love tits - I'm a tit man - Bob - what about you bud? You a tit man or an ....errr......sorry Bob"
---------------------------------------------
Monkey's Tip for Guys: Guys - if you leave a nice romantic "I (heart) U" written on her bathroom mirror with lipstick to surprise her when she wakes up - make sure it's not your GIRLFRIEND'S lipstick you found on the floor of your pickup - Girls know their own lipstick colors.
9 out of 10 dentists think today is August 25th.
Today’s blog is dedicated to the men & women of the U.S. Army out there busting their asses for their country on a daily basis and doing it with pride.
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I think if you were in Heaven and you had your harp and started fucking around with it, pretending your harp was a pitchfork and you were in Hell - and one of the Angels or Jesus or God saw you - they'd be like "HEY!! You think that shit is FUNNY!? I'll send your clown-ass down there if you think that shit's so funny - that's a fuckin' EXPENSIVE musical instrument not a prop for a GAG to make your buddies laugh Mr. Funny Man!!!"
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The internet CAN be a bad thing - like when you find on eBay a Hot Wheels car you had when you were a kid is worth $90.00, but you can remember the day you and your teen buddies smoked that bowl and blew the shit out of that very Hot Wheel car with some fire crackers and burned it with lighter fluid.
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I had a healthy, normal childhood. I can still remember when I learned that I could take Silly Putty and lift a picture of a coochy from my older brother's Hustler magazine. I'd then have a really cool, stretchable pussy that I could almost even open - I called my invention "Silly Pussy" (Pat. Pending) and it was my first invention. I was nine.
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Things that suck: You've got her all worked up, you're doing her really good and she's even getting into some dirty talk like you like, and your toe hits the "REDIAL" button on the cordless phone that was on the bed (for some fucked up reason)and now her mother gets to hear her daughter and you cumming hard together. (And it took her 27 minutes to hang up)
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I think it would suck if you were a teenager dude and your name was "Aflac" - you'd end up hanging yourself with your Dad's necktie down in the basement for all the shit people would give you.
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I went to the gym the other day and was having a blast just watching the women, with their glistening sweaty skin, their toned bodies....I was getting a woody and enjoying myself when suddenly the fuckin' gym manager comes in and said I had to leave the women's bathroom.
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I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.
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I think a cool and funny trick those Christians probably played back in the days when they were fed to lions was to swallow a shitload of chili powder before going out into the arena - that way when the lions started devouring them the lions would start to sneeze and sneeze and all the people watching would get a giggle out of it.
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I think if you were in Heaven and you had your harp and started fucking around with it, pretending your harp was a pitchfork and you were in Hell - and one of the Angels or Jesus or God saw you - they'd be like "HEY!! You think that shit is FUNNY!? I'll send your clown-ass down there if you think that shit's so funny - that's a fuckin' EXPENSIVE musical instrument not a prop for a GAG to make your buddies laugh Mr. Funny Man!!!"
---------------------------------
The internet CAN be a bad thing - like when you find on eBay a Hot Wheels car you had when you were a kid is worth $90.00, but you can remember the day you and your teen buddies smoked that bowl and blew the shit out of that very Hot Wheel car with some fire crackers and burned it with lighter fluid.
--------------------------------
I had a healthy, normal childhood. I can still remember when I learned that I could take Silly Putty and lift a picture of a coochy from my older brother's Hustler magazine. I'd then have a really cool, stretchable pussy that I could almost even open - I called my invention "Silly Pussy" (Pat. Pending) and it was my first invention. I was nine.
---------------------------------
Things that suck: You've got her all worked up, you're doing her really good and she's even getting into some dirty talk like you like, and your toe hits the "REDIAL" button on the cordless phone that was on the bed (for some fucked up reason)and now her mother gets to hear her daughter and you cumming hard together. (And it took her 27 minutes to hang up)
---------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were a teenager dude and your name was "Aflac" - you'd end up hanging yourself with your Dad's necktie down in the basement for all the shit people would give you.
----------------------------------
I went to the gym the other day and was having a blast just watching the women, with their glistening sweaty skin, their toned bodies....I was getting a woody and enjoying myself when suddenly the fuckin' gym manager comes in and said I had to leave the women's bathroom.
-----------------------------------
I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.
------------------------------------
I think a cool and funny trick those Christians probably played back in the days when they were fed to lions was to swallow a shitload of chili powder before going out into the arena - that way when the lions started devouring them the lions would start to sneeze and sneeze and all the people watching would get a giggle out of it.
Wednesday, August 23rd, 1949
Today’s blog is dedicated to Elizabeth Hurley - ‘Liz honey when you left my house this morning I TOLD you to lock the front door on your way out - I’m going to let it go THIS time - and I still love you. Old shit..errr...I mean CLASSIC shit in today’s blog today.
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I hate when I'm going down a dirt road in my car and a bird flies up in front of me - and it keeps flying in front of me - right in front of my windshield, and I begin to think I'm following the bird, and I forget who's following who, and the bird turns off into the woods and I follow it and end up smashing into a tree and my car explodes and they have to cut me out of the wreckage with the Jaws of Life and amputate my left leg, right eyeball and left testicle to do it.
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If you live in an apartment and the guy upstairs was playing his music too loud, you could knock on the roof with a broomstick, but an even better way to get the music to stop would be to set your own apartment on fire - sure you'd lose everything, and it takes several minutes, but you could go back to sleep knowing the music would stop within minutes.
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If I had a nickel for every time I lost a tooth when I was a kid. Oh wait. I did . I think I saved it and bought some pot. Yeah, that's right, I did. Never mind the whole thing.
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Why is it missing persons are always found in "a shallow grave" somewhere? You can kill someone, chop them up, drive them somewhere in your trunk - and then you're too lazy to dig more than a "shallow grave"?! Lazy ass murderers.
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If I'm ever taken captive, abducted by aliens, and they take me up on their spaceship to do "tests" I've already mapped out a plan - I'm going to politely ask if I may use their bathroom, they'll of course let me, and while in there, I'd find a toilet where some slob alien bastard had taken a dump and not flushed it, I'd reach into that toilet and take a finger full of the alien's poop and rub it on my Monkey backside - gross? Yes. Very. And. Sick. But I'd have the last laugh because when they did their infamous "anal probe" on me they'd get readings saying we were of the SAME GENETIC MAKEUP - and they'd HAVE to let me go!
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These kids nowadays, they're not giving a shit about the environment at a younger and younger age. This morning on the way to work I saw a used diaper along the highway.
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Call me kinky, but I always wanted to fuck one of those older dog show judges! The way they move around that ring...those dresses they wear...their jewelry...those dresses...their attitudes - oh yeah - hot fuck. And how they know how to GENTLY lift those balls...mmm....
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In the movies, someone will often stick someone else’s head into a toilet and hold it under. (Sometimes they’ll flush the toilet while they do this) It’s usually some guy that won’t talk. I always feel sorry for that guy. No, not the asshole that won’t talk and has his head in the toilet, but for that poor little cameraman who has to climb down into a TOILET and film to earn his paycheck.
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If I were a dinner roll, and I was married to a nice dinner roll lady, and one day we had a bun in the oven, which later grew up to be a beautiful, tall, stunning roll, I'd encourage her to be a roll model.
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I hate when I'm going down a dirt road in my car and a bird flies up in front of me - and it keeps flying in front of me - right in front of my windshield, and I begin to think I'm following the bird, and I forget who's following who, and the bird turns off into the woods and I follow it and end up smashing into a tree and my car explodes and they have to cut me out of the wreckage with the Jaws of Life and amputate my left leg, right eyeball and left testicle to do it.
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If you live in an apartment and the guy upstairs was playing his music too loud, you could knock on the roof with a broomstick, but an even better way to get the music to stop would be to set your own apartment on fire - sure you'd lose everything, and it takes several minutes, but you could go back to sleep knowing the music would stop within minutes.
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If I had a nickel for every time I lost a tooth when I was a kid. Oh wait. I did . I think I saved it and bought some pot. Yeah, that's right, I did. Never mind the whole thing.
------------------------------------
Why is it missing persons are always found in "a shallow grave" somewhere? You can kill someone, chop them up, drive them somewhere in your trunk - and then you're too lazy to dig more than a "shallow grave"?! Lazy ass murderers.
------------------------------------
If I'm ever taken captive, abducted by aliens, and they take me up on their spaceship to do "tests" I've already mapped out a plan - I'm going to politely ask if I may use their bathroom, they'll of course let me, and while in there, I'd find a toilet where some slob alien bastard had taken a dump and not flushed it, I'd reach into that toilet and take a finger full of the alien's poop and rub it on my Monkey backside - gross? Yes. Very. And. Sick. But I'd have the last laugh because when they did their infamous "anal probe" on me they'd get readings saying we were of the SAME GENETIC MAKEUP - and they'd HAVE to let me go!
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These kids nowadays, they're not giving a shit about the environment at a younger and younger age. This morning on the way to work I saw a used diaper along the highway.
----------------------------------------
Call me kinky, but I always wanted to fuck one of those older dog show judges! The way they move around that ring...those dresses they wear...their jewelry...those dresses...their attitudes - oh yeah - hot fuck. And how they know how to GENTLY lift those balls...mmm....
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In the movies, someone will often stick someone else’s head into a toilet and hold it under. (Sometimes they’ll flush the toilet while they do this) It’s usually some guy that won’t talk. I always feel sorry for that guy. No, not the asshole that won’t talk and has his head in the toilet, but for that poor little cameraman who has to climb down into a TOILET and film to earn his paycheck.
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If I were a dinner roll, and I was married to a nice dinner roll lady, and one day we had a bun in the oven, which later grew up to be a beautiful, tall, stunning roll, I'd encourage her to be a roll model.
Monday, August 21st, 1947
Today’s blog is dedicated to all you restaurant workers who close down every night - busting your ass mopping floors, Satin Shining counters, taking out garbage, mopping, generally busting your ass long after the last customer has been served.
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I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous “Christian Rock” band and you were back stage getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, but your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: (I may have had this movie idea before but am too lazy to go back in the archives and see) "TREE HUGGER" (PG-17) - the touching story of Rick Owens, an Earth First activist who chains himself up to a tree to stop a logging operation. Watch as he climbs high in the tree, chains himself up, and tosses away the key. Watch as he waits for the press and his activist buddies to show up. The only problem: Rick never WAS any good at reading a map and finding his way around the woods and he's 216 miles from the actual logging operation. Watch in horror as woodland creatures take turns having their way with the activist. Watch as he dies - hugging a tree. (3 hrs, 17 min) Contains graphic violence, adult situations, bestiality, sodomy)
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If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
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I'll bet it's embarrassing, but it happens, and it' something most birds won't even talk about, but I'll bet it happens that the mother bird is sitting on her egg waiting for it to hatch and the chick decides to break out at that very moment, and pushes its little beak up through the egg and it’s beak goes right up the mother bird's ass. Perhaps for SOME mother birds it felt pretty good, but that's not something they would never, EVER admit to.
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I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – but you’d KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their faces every now and again.
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Ladies, sometimes, we men DO know what we should do: When you're laying there next to us in bed, with your beautiful, silky hair laying across your face, your beautiful eyes closed, such a beautiful, vulnerable look on your face, your beautiful breasts rising with each slumbery breath, we men ever so gently...so slowly...sneak out of the bed and go to the computer and wank off to some free "preview" 15 second blowjob movies. Ain’t the internet great?
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I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous “Christian Rock” band and you were back stage getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, but your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: (I may have had this movie idea before but am too lazy to go back in the archives and see) "TREE HUGGER" (PG-17) - the touching story of Rick Owens, an Earth First activist who chains himself up to a tree to stop a logging operation. Watch as he climbs high in the tree, chains himself up, and tosses away the key. Watch as he waits for the press and his activist buddies to show up. The only problem: Rick never WAS any good at reading a map and finding his way around the woods and he's 216 miles from the actual logging operation. Watch in horror as woodland creatures take turns having their way with the activist. Watch as he dies - hugging a tree. (3 hrs, 17 min) Contains graphic violence, adult situations, bestiality, sodomy)
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If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
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I'll bet it's embarrassing, but it happens, and it' something most birds won't even talk about, but I'll bet it happens that the mother bird is sitting on her egg waiting for it to hatch and the chick decides to break out at that very moment, and pushes its little beak up through the egg and it’s beak goes right up the mother bird's ass. Perhaps for SOME mother birds it felt pretty good, but that's not something they would never, EVER admit to.
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I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – but you’d KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their faces every now and again.
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Ladies, sometimes, we men DO know what we should do: When you're laying there next to us in bed, with your beautiful, silky hair laying across your face, your beautiful eyes closed, such a beautiful, vulnerable look on your face, your beautiful breasts rising with each slumbery breath, we men ever so gently...so slowly...sneak out of the bed and go to the computer and wank off to some free "preview" 15 second blowjob movies. Ain’t the internet great?
August 17th, 1977
Today’s blog is dedicated AGAIN to Melissa Theuriau - a super hot french newscaster. The UK Gov’ment’s fucking with people - starting with motorcylists - I say fuck these people and their communist ideas - read and sign:
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/nospeedcontrol/ Sign even if you're not a Brit!
Repeats again today - but hey - I take ‘em out, play with ‘em, tune ‘em up, change ‘em up, and put ‘em back out.
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I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with a smartassed "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cave woman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!
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You know you're pretty damned drunk when you're dancing at the bar, and you suddenly realize you're dancing with two guys! And then you realize HOLY SHIT these two guys you're dancing with both have GUNS! And holy shit - you're not dancing after all - you're fighting! It just feels sort of like dancing - and they're cops!
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I'll bet it's nerve-wracking if you were thrown into a jail in the old west, and you wake up the next morning and sure enough - there's hammering outside in the street and you think - FUCK - they're building the gallows to hang me - but you peek through the bars in the street and it's just some kid building a half-pipe for his skate board. Whew.
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It'd be rough if you hacked up your ex-wife and her bitch mother into 720 pieces with an axe, and you went to bury them in the back yard, but then you remembered the Power/Utilities ad campaign about "Call Before You Dig" - and started getting really scared you might hit a buried line if you didn't call....
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I went to the gym the other day and was having a blast just watching the women, with their glistening sweaty skin, their toned bodies....I was getting a woody and enjoying myself when suddenly the fuckin' gym manager comes in and said I had to leave the women's bathroom.
-------------------------------------------
I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.
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I think if you were a miner back in the old days - the other miners would get pissed off if you constantly yelled "It's the Mother Load!!" and when they came over you were just over there taking a dump at your claim.
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I used to date (11:30 PM - 4:30 AM) a girl who didn't shave or even trim it and let's just say it was an adventure. But in a way kind of fun - like unwrapping a Reese's Peanut Butter cup before you eat it - pushing all that hair aside with my tongue...and that was just to get to her belly button.
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http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/nospeedcontrol/ Sign even if you're not a Brit!
Repeats again today - but hey - I take ‘em out, play with ‘em, tune ‘em up, change ‘em up, and put ‘em back out.
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I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with a smartassed "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cave woman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!
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You know you're pretty damned drunk when you're dancing at the bar, and you suddenly realize you're dancing with two guys! And then you realize HOLY SHIT these two guys you're dancing with both have GUNS! And holy shit - you're not dancing after all - you're fighting! It just feels sort of like dancing - and they're cops!
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I'll bet it's nerve-wracking if you were thrown into a jail in the old west, and you wake up the next morning and sure enough - there's hammering outside in the street and you think - FUCK - they're building the gallows to hang me - but you peek through the bars in the street and it's just some kid building a half-pipe for his skate board. Whew.
----------------------------------------
It'd be rough if you hacked up your ex-wife and her bitch mother into 720 pieces with an axe, and you went to bury them in the back yard, but then you remembered the Power/Utilities ad campaign about "Call Before You Dig" - and started getting really scared you might hit a buried line if you didn't call....
-----------------------------------------
I went to the gym the other day and was having a blast just watching the women, with their glistening sweaty skin, their toned bodies....I was getting a woody and enjoying myself when suddenly the fuckin' gym manager comes in and said I had to leave the women's bathroom.
-------------------------------------------
I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.
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I think if you were a miner back in the old days - the other miners would get pissed off if you constantly yelled "It's the Mother Load!!" and when they came over you were just over there taking a dump at your claim.
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I used to date (11:30 PM - 4:30 AM) a girl who didn't shave or even trim it and let's just say it was an adventure. But in a way kind of fun - like unwrapping a Reese's Peanut Butter cup before you eat it - pushing all that hair aside with my tongue...and that was just to get to her belly button.
It's August the 15th, 1984
Today’s blog is dedicated to Cypress Hill. Hey it may be old shit today but it’s classic shit and dammit you probably never saw this stuff anyway.
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If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
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When I was a kid many other kids in our neighborhood would "huff" lighter-fluid to get high. Once we were smoking herb, listening to Ted Nugent, and this EIGHT year old neighbor-kid was huffing lighter fluid, and I saw him get up and chase his brother around the living room - he slipped on something, probably because he was high, he fell, and smashed his head right into the CORNER of a coffee table. I hear you - you're saying - "Monkey - what kind of good wholesome moral lesson can we learn from this kid?" The lesson to be learned is if you're going to be killing brain cells by the millions and aspire to have permanent brain damage by huffing lighter fluid or other potentially fatal inhalants, sit DOWN and stop running around the house or by golly you're gonna get a time out mister!!!
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There was a sign at my post office "No bikes, roller skates or skateboards on postal property" God knows we can't have people on postal property MOVING FAST now can we!?
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "When I use to work at Petsmart. I would take a gold fish (the ones with big heads) and I would use their heads as algae scrubs to clean the side of the fish tanks...Sorry Fishys"
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I think if I were a whale, I’d try and screw my girlfriend in her blow hole – I’ll bet it’s really tight and feels great and she may even like it.
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The beer & alcohol commercials take the fun out of everything when they have to throw in that "Drink Responsibly" line. Jeez.
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I think a good part about having a friend named "Lee" would be that it would help you speak better english - when he was leaving your house you would say "Drive careful....Lee"
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Don't you hate it when you think you're being clever - and have a child's birthday coming up - and you decide on a cool blue plastic Walmart grocery bag, (They're free and fun!) and some asshole adult at the kid's party has to ruin it by pointing out to everyone "NOT A TOY" on the side of the bag, and everyone acts as if YOU'RE an asshole!?
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If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
-----------------------------------
When I was a kid many other kids in our neighborhood would "huff" lighter-fluid to get high. Once we were smoking herb, listening to Ted Nugent, and this EIGHT year old neighbor-kid was huffing lighter fluid, and I saw him get up and chase his brother around the living room - he slipped on something, probably because he was high, he fell, and smashed his head right into the CORNER of a coffee table. I hear you - you're saying - "Monkey - what kind of good wholesome moral lesson can we learn from this kid?" The lesson to be learned is if you're going to be killing brain cells by the millions and aspire to have permanent brain damage by huffing lighter fluid or other potentially fatal inhalants, sit DOWN and stop running around the house or by golly you're gonna get a time out mister!!!
------------------------------------------
There was a sign at my post office "No bikes, roller skates or skateboards on postal property" God knows we can't have people on postal property MOVING FAST now can we!?
---------------------------------
My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "When I use to work at Petsmart. I would take a gold fish (the ones with big heads) and I would use their heads as algae scrubs to clean the side of the fish tanks...Sorry Fishys"
-------------------------------------------
I think if I were a whale, I’d try and screw my girlfriend in her blow hole – I’ll bet it’s really tight and feels great and she may even like it.
------------------------------------
The beer & alcohol commercials take the fun out of everything when they have to throw in that "Drink Responsibly" line. Jeez.
-------------------------------------
I think a good part about having a friend named "Lee" would be that it would help you speak better english - when he was leaving your house you would say "Drive careful....Lee"
--------------------------------------
Don't you hate it when you think you're being clever - and have a child's birthday coming up - and you decide on a cool blue plastic Walmart grocery bag, (They're free and fun!) and some asshole adult at the kid's party has to ruin it by pointing out to everyone "NOT A TOY" on the side of the bag, and everyone acts as if YOU'RE an asshole!?
Missoula Monkey - August 14th, 2006
Today’s blog is dedicated to the good people of Missoula, Montana - the Monkeys new home - I’m back - gonna get back into blogging now....slowly the Monkey will be back...
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So I see a toy in the toy store - it’s Winnie the Pooh - and the box he’s in says he’s “Melody Making Pooh” and to “Squeeze my back to see” - so I squeeze, he doesn’t nothing - makes no Pooh music - so I squeeze again, harder, nothing, I take him off the shelf and and squeeze and squeeze - looking for the right spot - trying to squeeze the shit (or the pooh) out of him - I want a melody dammit! I’m getting angry now and squeezing and cursing and I look over and a little girl is staring at me. (I’m making a good impression in Missoula with the locals so far)
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If I were a cemetery groundskeeper I'd be sure to never lay down to take a nap under a gravestone, because when you woke up and opened your eyes you might think you were dead and get scared. But really that's what you get for being such a lazy fucking slacker!
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the john off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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Dairy Queen has a pretty good drink called the "MooLatte". If you pull into the DQ drive-through and ask for a "Mulatto" they don't even notice. The monkey finds this funny.
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I think if you could really work your fingers over a lady's clit really well and you had a talent for it, one day while doing it and you'd think - "I wonder if I could also twiddle away on a guitar like perhaps Jimi Hendrix" And you'd rush down to the local pawn shop to buy a used electric guitar but find that was a waste, you can't play. And from that moment on you'd be more appreciative of your clit dwiddling talents and you'd forget your rock star guitarist stupid fucking fantasy.
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If I were a member of a SWAT team I'd take up the hobby of collecting frisbees -imagine how many frisbees you could find on a daily basis up on rooftops!
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I don't think it'd be as great as you might think if you were a super-hero and had super-hero powers of hearing. For instance if you were to listen to the sounds that jelly makes when peanut butter first touches with it - when you first close the sandwich - when jelly meets peanut-butter - it would remind you of the sweet sounds a nice sloppy-wet dripping pussy makes, and you'd have to excuse yourself from the dinner table to go masturbate somewhere.
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How things change: When you're a kid you can sure be proud of your Boy Scout Merit Badges but shit man try wearing some of them to work when you're 41 years old and they LAUGH at you!? What gives?! You think that Citizenship Badge was EASY to get muthafucker!?
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-------------------
So I see a toy in the toy store - it’s Winnie the Pooh - and the box he’s in says he’s “Melody Making Pooh” and to “Squeeze my back to see” - so I squeeze, he doesn’t nothing - makes no Pooh music - so I squeeze again, harder, nothing, I take him off the shelf and and squeeze and squeeze - looking for the right spot - trying to squeeze the shit (or the pooh) out of him - I want a melody dammit! I’m getting angry now and squeezing and cursing and I look over and a little girl is staring at me. (I’m making a good impression in Missoula with the locals so far)
---------------------
If I were a cemetery groundskeeper I'd be sure to never lay down to take a nap under a gravestone, because when you woke up and opened your eyes you might think you were dead and get scared. But really that's what you get for being such a lazy fucking slacker!
-----------------
I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the john off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
--------------------
Dairy Queen has a pretty good drink called the "MooLatte". If you pull into the DQ drive-through and ask for a "Mulatto" they don't even notice. The monkey finds this funny.
-----------------------
I think if you could really work your fingers over a lady's clit really well and you had a talent for it, one day while doing it and you'd think - "I wonder if I could also twiddle away on a guitar like perhaps Jimi Hendrix" And you'd rush down to the local pawn shop to buy a used electric guitar but find that was a waste, you can't play. And from that moment on you'd be more appreciative of your clit dwiddling talents and you'd forget your rock star guitarist stupid fucking fantasy.
-----------------------
If I were a member of a SWAT team I'd take up the hobby of collecting frisbees -imagine how many frisbees you could find on a daily basis up on rooftops!
------------------------
I don't think it'd be as great as you might think if you were a super-hero and had super-hero powers of hearing. For instance if you were to listen to the sounds that jelly makes when peanut butter first touches with it - when you first close the sandwich - when jelly meets peanut-butter - it would remind you of the sweet sounds a nice sloppy-wet dripping pussy makes, and you'd have to excuse yourself from the dinner table to go masturbate somewhere.
------------------------
How things change: When you're a kid you can sure be proud of your Boy Scout Merit Badges but shit man try wearing some of them to work when you're 41 years old and they LAUGH at you!? What gives?! You think that Citizenship Badge was EASY to get muthafucker!?
August 6, 2006
No - I'm not leaving you again for a long time - but I do have to be gone about one week - the Monkey will return to you about August 14th.
I love you all and will miss you until then.
Your Monkey always,
Monkey
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I love you all and will miss you until then.
Your Monkey always,
Monkey
