The
Monkey CageEnd of July
Today's blog is dedicated to Curtis Lowe. You skynyrd fans know who I'm talkin' bout.
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What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs" he says - "Human legs" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill - toes and all.
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Blogs I'd like to see: More of the "World's Biggest Sexual Pervert Blog":
Aug 04 2006: Paid a prostitute to come to my house dressed as a kangaroo and stick a Barbie Doll's head up my ass while she sang the National Anthem.
Aug 05 2006: Poured pickle juice all over myself and then played with myself while looking at Reader's Digest back issues in the bathtub
Aug 06 2006: Called a phone sex line and had the lady at the other end pretend she was deaf - "What? Who's there? Hello?"
Aug 07 2006: Discovered that I like to stick it into boiling hot coffee right as I orgasm while wearing a waitress outfit.
Aug 08 2006: Paid a street lady to come over and spank me while berating me in Big Bird's voice from Sesame Street - later had her spray Pam All-Natural Butter Flavored cooking spray on my testicles - not such a good idea and will not do this again.
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
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If I were a male Praying Mantis, I'd be smart enough to KNOW from reading that after my lady and I have sex, she's probably going to try and kill me and eat me, I would pray about it for some time, and then after we have sex I'd pray some more, then I'd say "I'd love to stay and cuddle with you - but I'm going to get us both a cigarette - be right back" - and I'd be SO outta there! - I'd then go find another girl Mantis and keep doing this as long as I could get away with it.
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One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!
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I don't think you'd last long as a pirate if you enjoyed staying down below deck in your cabin reading poetry, and every night you yelled out "Don't you smelly, one-eyed, one-legged, grog-swilling, booty-stealing, Bacardi smellin', striped-shirt wearin' bastards EVER SLEEP!? Keep it QUIET please for those of us who actually DO want to sleep!!"
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Don't you just hate it when you go and open a nice can of dolphin meat and find that they've got TUNA mixed in with it!? Can't they even TRY to keep the Tunas from swimming into the dolphin nets?! How hard can that be!?
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What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs" he says - "Human legs" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill - toes and all.
----------------------------------
Blogs I'd like to see: More of the "World's Biggest Sexual Pervert Blog":
Aug 04 2006: Paid a prostitute to come to my house dressed as a kangaroo and stick a Barbie Doll's head up my ass while she sang the National Anthem.
Aug 05 2006: Poured pickle juice all over myself and then played with myself while looking at Reader's Digest back issues in the bathtub
Aug 06 2006: Called a phone sex line and had the lady at the other end pretend she was deaf - "What? Who's there? Hello?"
Aug 07 2006: Discovered that I like to stick it into boiling hot coffee right as I orgasm while wearing a waitress outfit.
Aug 08 2006: Paid a street lady to come over and spank me while berating me in Big Bird's voice from Sesame Street - later had her spray Pam All-Natural Butter Flavored cooking spray on my testicles - not such a good idea and will not do this again.
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
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If I were a male Praying Mantis, I'd be smart enough to KNOW from reading that after my lady and I have sex, she's probably going to try and kill me and eat me, I would pray about it for some time, and then after we have sex I'd pray some more, then I'd say "I'd love to stay and cuddle with you - but I'm going to get us both a cigarette - be right back" - and I'd be SO outta there! - I'd then go find another girl Mantis and keep doing this as long as I could get away with it.
---------------------------------
One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!
---------------------------------
I don't think you'd last long as a pirate if you enjoyed staying down below deck in your cabin reading poetry, and every night you yelled out "Don't you smelly, one-eyed, one-legged, grog-swilling, booty-stealing, Bacardi smellin', striped-shirt wearin' bastards EVER SLEEP!? Keep it QUIET please for those of us who actually DO want to sleep!!"
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Don't you just hate it when you go and open a nice can of dolphin meat and find that they've got TUNA mixed in with it!? Can't they even TRY to keep the Tunas from swimming into the dolphin nets?! How hard can that be!?
7/26, 1957
Today's blog is dedicated to that one girl who sits over by you at work - YOU know the one I'm talking about - the one with the nice ass that you only dream of rimming.
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If I were the President of the United States - by Monkey:
If I were the president of the United States I would spend a lot of time looking out of that cool window behind the presidential desk in the Oval Office. Looks like a really cool view, and look at that nice green lawn! I'd also officially rename the Oval Office to "Ovary Office" because it will remind everyone of something in a pussy, and we all want to be in pussy, so it would promote a good working atmosphere for my staff
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I think that Don McLean's "American Pie" would make more sense if it were "..and good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and LYE, singing this'll be the day that I die"
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I don't understand all this "Satellite Radio" talk. Even if the thing were in low orbit and the volume onboard was cranked to the max I really doubt we could hear it down here.
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The other day I started thinking about some of the good sex I've been lucky enough to have had, and I started getting hard. The next thing I know, I've got it out and am stroking it good. That is until the Albertson's manager came over and told me that I was going to have to leave the store.
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think it would be cool to go back to the 1950's and go to a "Lover's Lane". Sitting up there in the car looking over the city lights, listening to the music - a nice hand stroking my monkey-cock..mmmm.... I'd even bring a girl with me sometimes.
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If I were on death row, for a great prank, when the guys came down to get me for that final walk, the last thing I'd do before I left my cell is set the alarm clock to go off in about 20 minutes. That way it'd start going off and I'd be dead and gone and the guys back in death row cell block would be pissed OFF. But later I think they'd probably have a laugh about it, and I wouldn't be suprised if this alarm clock trick became a running death row prank that all the boys on the row could look forward to one day pulling themselves.
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If I were the President of the United States - by Monkey:
If I were the president of the United States I would spend a lot of time looking out of that cool window behind the presidential desk in the Oval Office. Looks like a really cool view, and look at that nice green lawn! I'd also officially rename the Oval Office to "Ovary Office" because it will remind everyone of something in a pussy, and we all want to be in pussy, so it would promote a good working atmosphere for my staff
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I think that Don McLean's "American Pie" would make more sense if it were "..and good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and LYE, singing this'll be the day that I die"
---------------------------------
I don't understand all this "Satellite Radio" talk. Even if the thing were in low orbit and the volume onboard was cranked to the max I really doubt we could hear it down here.
---------------------------------
The other day I started thinking about some of the good sex I've been lucky enough to have had, and I started getting hard. The next thing I know, I've got it out and am stroking it good. That is until the Albertson's manager came over and told me that I was going to have to leave the store.
----------------------------------
think it would be cool to go back to the 1950's and go to a "Lover's Lane". Sitting up there in the car looking over the city lights, listening to the music - a nice hand stroking my monkey-cock..mmmm.... I'd even bring a girl with me sometimes.
-----------------------------------
If I were on death row, for a great prank, when the guys came down to get me for that final walk, the last thing I'd do before I left my cell is set the alarm clock to go off in about 20 minutes. That way it'd start going off and I'd be dead and gone and the guys back in death row cell block would be pissed OFF. But later I think they'd probably have a laugh about it, and I wouldn't be suprised if this alarm clock trick became a running death row prank that all the boys on the row could look forward to one day pulling themselves.
7/24, 1876
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Tycho Brahe (1546 - 1601) a very wacky Danish astronomer who liked to drink, fight, and had his nose cut off in a duel and replaced it with a silver artificial nose - the guy was a real hoot. All old again - still having rough times in my life but will get back to you folks soon!
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Monkey Tip of the Day: The way to tell a TRUE Chinese buffet is by the signs over the food. If there are no plural words -you're in good shape. Over the spoons and forks the signs must say "Spoon and Fork" - over the String Beans - it should read "String Bean". Also the little tags should NEVER say "Fried Rice" - instead it should be called "Fry Rice". If you see anything plural - leave - it's not authentic.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "Today I drank, smoked weed, and watch people rail morphine, all while sitting in the break room at a Staples, and I don't even work there."
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I think there should be Barnes & Noble Chairs police and I volunteer for the job. You punks that have been in there for three hours with your stack of books - no more: a 2 hour maximum per-chair time limit will be enforced with an aluminum baseball bat. You people snoozing in the Barnes & Noble chairs: baseball bat - cracked skull - take your sleepy ass home and give up the chair.
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If I were a puppet I'd piss people off by continuously telling people "I want to have a relationship with you - no strings attached" I'd find this joke an endless source of fun, but I'm sure people would get so sick of it they'd chop me up for firewood.
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Monkey Movie idea of the day (repeat): "Plastic House" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of Gloria Adams, an 87 year old grandmother in Freemont, Virginia who wrapped her living room furniture in that plastic protector stuff that old folks use - but that wasn't enough - she then laid down those plastic "walk ways" through her entire house - but still she couldn't stop - soon she wrapped everything in every room of her house - and later all those who entered her house. (2 hrs, 45 min) (Extreme Violence, Sodomy, Extreme Sexual Content, Drug References, Eye-Gouging, mild scenes of trepanning, mild bestiality scenes)
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If you were on a hot Mississippi prison chain gang, I don't think the "road boss" would like it too much if you went up and told him your hands were getting dry and chapped and does he have any Avon Soft & Sensual Replenishing non-greasy hand cream in his truck?
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Monkey Tip of the Day: The way to tell a TRUE Chinese buffet is by the signs over the food. If there are no plural words -you're in good shape. Over the spoons and forks the signs must say "Spoon and Fork" - over the String Beans - it should read "String Bean". Also the little tags should NEVER say "Fried Rice" - instead it should be called "Fry Rice". If you see anything plural - leave - it's not authentic.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "Today I drank, smoked weed, and watch people rail morphine, all while sitting in the break room at a Staples, and I don't even work there."
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I think there should be Barnes & Noble Chairs police and I volunteer for the job. You punks that have been in there for three hours with your stack of books - no more: a 2 hour maximum per-chair time limit will be enforced with an aluminum baseball bat. You people snoozing in the Barnes & Noble chairs: baseball bat - cracked skull - take your sleepy ass home and give up the chair.
---------------------------------
If I were a puppet I'd piss people off by continuously telling people "I want to have a relationship with you - no strings attached" I'd find this joke an endless source of fun, but I'm sure people would get so sick of it they'd chop me up for firewood.
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Monkey Movie idea of the day (repeat): "Plastic House" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of Gloria Adams, an 87 year old grandmother in Freemont, Virginia who wrapped her living room furniture in that plastic protector stuff that old folks use - but that wasn't enough - she then laid down those plastic "walk ways" through her entire house - but still she couldn't stop - soon she wrapped everything in every room of her house - and later all those who entered her house. (2 hrs, 45 min) (Extreme Violence, Sodomy, Extreme Sexual Content, Drug References, Eye-Gouging, mild scenes of trepanning, mild bestiality scenes)
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If you were on a hot Mississippi prison chain gang, I don't think the "road boss" would like it too much if you went up and told him your hands were getting dry and chapped and does he have any Avon Soft & Sensual Replenishing non-greasy hand cream in his truck?
7/18/06
Today's blog is dedicated to you - putting up with repeats of my blog all because I've been working on some personal shit and neglecting you. :-(
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'll bet the first "pocket pussy" ever made was back in cave-man days: you take the wing of a still warm but dead Terradactyl and cut out a piece of the wing web and sort of roll it into a sock-like deal, you then put some warm Ankylosaurus blood in there and on your cave-man cock, and have it cave man stud!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)
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Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
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They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair.
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I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.
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I have a post office box and I've found it's easy just to push all that unwanted mail right back through the box onto the floor of the post office. (I think the only drawback to this is that a lot of those bills have my name on them.)
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'll bet the first "pocket pussy" ever made was back in cave-man days: you take the wing of a still warm but dead Terradactyl and cut out a piece of the wing web and sort of roll it into a sock-like deal, you then put some warm Ankylosaurus blood in there and on your cave-man cock, and have it cave man stud!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)
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Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
---------------------------------
They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair.
---------------------------------
I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.
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I have a post office box and I've found it's easy just to push all that unwanted mail right back through the box onto the floor of the post office. (I think the only drawback to this is that a lot of those bills have my name on them.)
It's 7/13
Today's (repeat) blog is dedicated to the hottest newscaster in the world, she's French, she's Melissa Theuriau.
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I think one part about being in Heaven what would suck and we don't hear much about is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick! flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has cum in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suck
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've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
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Monkey Labs, Inc. is solving WORLD HUNGER: Being a Monkey that loves cotton candy, I've seen how a cotton-candy machine works - it spins - the process first involves the sugar melting into a liquid form that is spun inside of the cotton candy machine and we get cotton candy. The world is made mostly of ocean (water) - we add sugar to the world's oceans, "global warming" takes care of the melting the sugar into the water - the Earth takes care of the spinning part - we will soon be able to feed the world's hunger.
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I want to build a home for the homeless. But then when they move in I'm going to have no choice but to kick them out for not qualifying because technically they then have a home.
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the undercover vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the guy off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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Things that keep the Monkey awake wondering about: I can't help but wonder if this has ever really happened: The Pope takes a big dump before he heads off to some big ceremony or service, eager to get to the ceremony and get a nap, he forgets to flush the Vatican toilet. Upon returning home later that night, he flips on the bathroom light to get out of his robe and get ready for bed, and he sees the giant turds he laid earlier that day and it scares him - "HOLY SHIT!" he yells, he then realizes the irony of what he's just said and bursts into laughter.
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I think one part about being in Heaven what would suck and we don't hear much about is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick! flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has cum in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suck
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've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
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Monkey Labs, Inc. is solving WORLD HUNGER: Being a Monkey that loves cotton candy, I've seen how a cotton-candy machine works - it spins - the process first involves the sugar melting into a liquid form that is spun inside of the cotton candy machine and we get cotton candy. The world is made mostly of ocean (water) - we add sugar to the world's oceans, "global warming" takes care of the melting the sugar into the water - the Earth takes care of the spinning part - we will soon be able to feed the world's hunger.
-------------------
I want to build a home for the homeless. But then when they move in I'm going to have no choice but to kick them out for not qualifying because technically they then have a home.
---------------------
One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the undercover vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the guy off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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Things that keep the Monkey awake wondering about: I can't help but wonder if this has ever really happened: The Pope takes a big dump before he heads off to some big ceremony or service, eager to get to the ceremony and get a nap, he forgets to flush the Vatican toilet. Upon returning home later that night, he flips on the bathroom light to get out of his robe and get ready for bed, and he sees the giant turds he laid earlier that day and it scares him - "HOLY SHIT!" he yells, he then realizes the irony of what he's just said and bursts into laughter.
Must be 7/11 just like the store!
Today's (repeat) blog is dedicated to Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh man the things you do to me when I watch you - you beautiful angel. Come to the Monkey.
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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I know a guy who rolls up carpet for a living, he also rolls his own cigarettes, and he can roll a mean joint – I guess that’s just how he rolls.
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a caveman, and you were the local inventor - and all the other cavemen are pressuring you to invent the wheel, but instead you invented a Cisco 1700 Series modular and fixed-configuration access router? The other caveman would be scratching their heads and saying "Uhmmgh!...What the fuck is THIS!?!?"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)
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If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
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Don't you hate it when you're in a loud bar with a band playing, and your friend leans over and yells to you: "My Mother died today!" (But YOU thought he said "Check out the hot young piece of ass in the red skirt shooting pool" and you yell back "Dude one night last week I took her home from here and fucked the living hell out of her all night long! She sucks a mean dick!"
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Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car and yell "BOO!" (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
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I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
------------------
I know a guy who rolls up carpet for a living, he also rolls his own cigarettes, and he can roll a mean joint – I guess that’s just how he rolls.
-------------------
Wouldn't it suck if you were a caveman, and you were the local inventor - and all the other cavemen are pressuring you to invent the wheel, but instead you invented a Cisco 1700 Series modular and fixed-configuration access router? The other caveman would be scratching their heads and saying "Uhmmgh!...What the fuck is THIS!?!?"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)
-----------------------
If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
-----------------------
Don't you hate it when you're in a loud bar with a band playing, and your friend leans over and yells to you: "My Mother died today!" (But YOU thought he said "Check out the hot young piece of ass in the red skirt shooting pool" and you yell back "Dude one night last week I took her home from here and fucked the living hell out of her all night long! She sucks a mean dick!"
------------------------
Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car and yell "BOO!" (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
-----------------------
I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?
Friday July the seventh, two thousand and six
Today's blog is dedicated to everyone who blew a finger off this 4th of July to honor our nation's birthday. Repeat city today - sorry!
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The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
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Monkey Poetry:
Oh what a tangled slinky we weave
When we bring it out with friends on weed
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Don't you hate it when the doctor is checking your balls...he's down on his knees with your left ball in his hand asking you to turn your head and cough - and you're in Albertsons!!? Come on Doc - can't this wait!?
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I was looking down at the six-pack on my abs - admiring it - I worked hard for it. But then I figured I better get off my lazy ass and put the damned thing in the fridge.
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When I was a kid we had a friend that farted so much that when he pulled up on his bicycle you'd swear he had a playing card stuck in the spokes - he didn't.
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Things that keep the Monkey awake at night pondering: If you were to wank off into a pond, I wonder if it'd be possible for a passing tadpole to say "Awww - look someone lost their babies, poor little guys - there's so many - I will adopt them and raise them as my own"
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You fuckin' people nowadays in your car with your fancy-smancy bells 'n' whistles - why when the Monkey was a kid we didn't have no damned "heated seats" in the Winter. Thats' what farts were for back then.
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I think if you were a lumberjack back in the day, if you came to the lumberjack breakfast tent and asked the lumberjack cook for a Nutra-Grain Bar, a yogurt, and some skim milk - the other lumberjacks might stop eating from their stack of flapjacks and give you the eye.
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My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" the other day. You know the talk - "The birds and the bees talk" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc. The best part about it was that he explained it all in a way I could understand and made me feel comfortable. Thanks son.
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The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
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Monkey Poetry:
Oh what a tangled slinky we weave
When we bring it out with friends on weed
---------------------------------------------
Don't you hate it when the doctor is checking your balls...he's down on his knees with your left ball in his hand asking you to turn your head and cough - and you're in Albertsons!!? Come on Doc - can't this wait!?
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I was looking down at the six-pack on my abs - admiring it - I worked hard for it. But then I figured I better get off my lazy ass and put the damned thing in the fridge.
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When I was a kid we had a friend that farted so much that when he pulled up on his bicycle you'd swear he had a playing card stuck in the spokes - he didn't.
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Things that keep the Monkey awake at night pondering: If you were to wank off into a pond, I wonder if it'd be possible for a passing tadpole to say "Awww - look someone lost their babies, poor little guys - there's so many - I will adopt them and raise them as my own"
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You fuckin' people nowadays in your car with your fancy-smancy bells 'n' whistles - why when the Monkey was a kid we didn't have no damned "heated seats" in the Winter. Thats' what farts were for back then.
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I think if you were a lumberjack back in the day, if you came to the lumberjack breakfast tent and asked the lumberjack cook for a Nutra-Grain Bar, a yogurt, and some skim milk - the other lumberjacks might stop eating from their stack of flapjacks and give you the eye.
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My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" the other day. You know the talk - "The birds and the bees talk" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc. The best part about it was that he explained it all in a way I could understand and made me feel comfortable. Thanks son.
July the third
Today's blog is dedicated to all our nation's military men & women who are serving their country overseas, far away from their families and friends. I've been there and done that. Thank you for your service and sacrifice.
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Sure it's pretty cool in the old westerns when they show an old west town and tumbleweeds are blowing around - but the Monkey thinks it'd be even cooler if some of those tumbleweeds were on fire.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " I have strange fantasies. Yesterday - in a meeting - I fantasised about dressing as a bear and going to sit in a deck chair at the beach eating an ice cream."
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Monkey Sex Tip of the Day: SOME women, when you're giving it to them really hard & rough doggy-style, like for you to reach up and pull their hair, but don't try this with the ladies you're fucking at the elderly home - that's probably a wig man!!!
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If I were that rabbit like I saw today on highway 90 in Montana, hit by a car and laying mangled but still alive in the middle of the highway, I'd wait until a car passed over me and I'd reach up and grab a hold of their bumper and hang on- because MAYBE it's a greeny hot hippy chick with big tits and she'd take me home and her father's a veterinarian and he'd nurse me back to health while I looked at the hippy girl's tits.
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I think it would suck if you were an old-west gunslinger and some cowboy in a bar challenged you to a gun fight - and he told you to meet him at high noon in the street for a gun fight - but you thought he said "high MOON" and showed up that night and waited...and waited....and waited....
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Sure it's pretty cool in the old westerns when they show an old west town and tumbleweeds are blowing around - but the Monkey thinks it'd be even cooler if some of those tumbleweeds were on fire.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " I have strange fantasies. Yesterday - in a meeting - I fantasised about dressing as a bear and going to sit in a deck chair at the beach eating an ice cream."
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Monkey Sex Tip of the Day: SOME women, when you're giving it to them really hard & rough doggy-style, like for you to reach up and pull their hair, but don't try this with the ladies you're fucking at the elderly home - that's probably a wig man!!!
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If I were that rabbit like I saw today on highway 90 in Montana, hit by a car and laying mangled but still alive in the middle of the highway, I'd wait until a car passed over me and I'd reach up and grab a hold of their bumper and hang on- because MAYBE it's a greeny hot hippy chick with big tits and she'd take me home and her father's a veterinarian and he'd nurse me back to health while I looked at the hippy girl's tits.
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I think it would suck if you were an old-west gunslinger and some cowboy in a bar challenged you to a gun fight - and he told you to meet him at high noon in the street for a gun fight - but you thought he said "high MOON" and showed up that night and waited...and waited....and waited....
