The
Monkey Cage6/28, 1978
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of 6 year old Aaron Woodson, who was killed by an illegally passing truck after exiting his school bus in Suffolk, New York. Stop for the school buses you idiots! (Some of my favorites today along with some new stuff)
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When I was a kid we were big on HATS & HELMETS!: At school the fireman would come to talk to us and hand out red plastic fire chief hats, and at home we had the big white NASA plastic astronaut helmets with the cool black visor, and at night we boys played with our purple-helmeted warriors of love.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " i concentrate on something like the tv remote and try and move it with my mind, then when i think about it later i feel stupid.."
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I guess I've always been sort of perverted & sick - when I was a kid and watched "The Andy Griffith Show" I always thought it'd be wild to have an episode where Andy and Barny come home early and find Opie up in Aunt Bee's bedroom, with Aunt Bee on her hands and knees and Opie behind her giving her a sloppy wet rim job.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Quick Lube" (PG-17) - this groundbreaking documentary uses 5 hidden cameras in one of those "15 minute lube and oil change" shops to reveal what REALLY goes on after you drop your car off and head across the street to have a coffee and wait. (Runtime: 15 minutes. Graphic Sexual Content, Bestiality, Bondage Scenes, Explicit Language, Oil-Sex-Play scenes, Drug/Alcohol abuse, Sodomy, Graphic Violence, Rape Scenes, Mild Trepanning Scenes)
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Movie ticket checkers don't EVEN find it amusing if you walk backwards past them with no ticket and say "I was just leaving"
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Monkey Quote of the Day. "Show me a 'Happy Camper' and I'll show you a Boy Scout who smuggled some weed to the Jamboree in the bottom of his sleeping bag"
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When I was a kid we were big on HATS & HELMETS!: At school the fireman would come to talk to us and hand out red plastic fire chief hats, and at home we had the big white NASA plastic astronaut helmets with the cool black visor, and at night we boys played with our purple-helmeted warriors of love.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " i concentrate on something like the tv remote and try and move it with my mind, then when i think about it later i feel stupid.."
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I guess I've always been sort of perverted & sick - when I was a kid and watched "The Andy Griffith Show" I always thought it'd be wild to have an episode where Andy and Barny come home early and find Opie up in Aunt Bee's bedroom, with Aunt Bee on her hands and knees and Opie behind her giving her a sloppy wet rim job.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Quick Lube" (PG-17) - this groundbreaking documentary uses 5 hidden cameras in one of those "15 minute lube and oil change" shops to reveal what REALLY goes on after you drop your car off and head across the street to have a coffee and wait. (Runtime: 15 minutes. Graphic Sexual Content, Bestiality, Bondage Scenes, Explicit Language, Oil-Sex-Play scenes, Drug/Alcohol abuse, Sodomy, Graphic Violence, Rape Scenes, Mild Trepanning Scenes)
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Movie ticket checkers don't EVEN find it amusing if you walk backwards past them with no ticket and say "I was just leaving"
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Monkey Quote of the Day. "Show me a 'Happy Camper' and I'll show you a Boy Scout who smuggled some weed to the Jamboree in the bottom of his sleeping bag"
It's Monday, June something.
Today's blog is dedicated to Sarah Michelle Gellar. I would drink her bath water, I would eat the corn out of her poop. 'nuff said.
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Things that piss the monkey off: "Please enter your 16 digit account number followed by the pound sign" (Monkey enters 16 digit account number twice because he fucked it up the first time) "Thank you. Please hold for the next available representive" (Monkey waits 73 seconds) "Hello my name is Lisa I'll be happy to assist you, may I please have your account number to better assist you?" WTF!? Why enter it in the first place!? Arrrghhh!
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " Tomorrow at 5 a.m. i am going to kill myself." (5 AM!? WTF!? Why not sleep in? - Monkey)
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Monkey Labs Inc. works on solving world hunger, (update) Monkey Labs, Inc. has decided that the answer to world hunger is not creating FOOD, but rather to shrink all people down to about 1 inch in height so they can get by on LESS food. One or two grains of rice can feed ONE small person! (Now if we can just find a way to stop poor/starving people from FUCKING and reproducing we'll be done with this problem.)
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidently called her "Butterfish"
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Monkey Laboratories latest invention: Disposable Wedding Rings! (DWR's) - are you one of those women who takes off your wedding ring and throws it across the room or out the window every time he pisses you off? Are you one of those guys who takes off your ring on business travels and accidently leaves it on the hotel night stand? NO MORE - these rings look just like the real deal but at a cost of only about $.40 each - feel free to be a drama queen and throw it in the trash in front of him - he won't even know the difference! Feel free to leave it in your car or hotel room when traveling - it's only 40 cents!
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Things that piss the monkey off: "Please enter your 16 digit account number followed by the pound sign" (Monkey enters 16 digit account number twice because he fucked it up the first time) "Thank you. Please hold for the next available representive" (Monkey waits 73 seconds) "Hello my name is Lisa I'll be happy to assist you, may I please have your account number to better assist you?" WTF!? Why enter it in the first place!? Arrrghhh!
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " Tomorrow at 5 a.m. i am going to kill myself." (5 AM!? WTF!? Why not sleep in? - Monkey)
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Monkey Labs Inc. works on solving world hunger, (update) Monkey Labs, Inc. has decided that the answer to world hunger is not creating FOOD, but rather to shrink all people down to about 1 inch in height so they can get by on LESS food. One or two grains of rice can feed ONE small person! (Now if we can just find a way to stop poor/starving people from FUCKING and reproducing we'll be done with this problem.)
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidently called her "Butterfish"
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Monkey Laboratories latest invention: Disposable Wedding Rings! (DWR's) - are you one of those women who takes off your wedding ring and throws it across the room or out the window every time he pisses you off? Are you one of those guys who takes off your ring on business travels and accidently leaves it on the hotel night stand? NO MORE - these rings look just like the real deal but at a cost of only about $.40 each - feel free to be a drama queen and throw it in the trash in front of him - he won't even know the difference! Feel free to leave it in your car or hotel room when traveling - it's only 40 cents!
6/22/06
Today's blog is dedicated to Charlize Theron. Repeat City today - sorry.
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Monkey Tip of the Day: If you're a poor boy and can't afford Sea Monkeys, I'm thinking maybe some sperm in a jar of water? Would that be just as fun?
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If you were a cat and you work in a kitty litter factory making kitty litter - when you had to go to the bathroom - what would you do? Would you just pee or poop on the floor? Is that allowed or not!?
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I think if you went to West Virginia - and you told someone they were "lying through your teeth", you'd not only be calling them a liar but you'd be making fun of them.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her." (Jeez - Picky Picky! - Monkey)
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If you live in an apartment and the guy upstairs was playing his music too loud, you could knock on the roof with a broomstick, but an even better way to get the music to stop would be to set your own apartment on fire - sure you'd lose everything, and it takes several minutes, but you could go back to sleep knowing the music would stop within minutes.
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If I were the executioner, about to behead some poor fool with my huge axe, I'd purposely swing just a little high and take off most of their hair on top of their head. The audience might think it was funny, hell, even the person being beheaded might get a chuckle out of it - you've got to lighten things up sometimes.
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If I were a dog, whenever I licked my balls I'd lick lick lick and then moan. Hmmm....lick lick....ahhh....lick lick lick...mmmm....
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Monkey Tip of the Day: If you're a poor boy and can't afford Sea Monkeys, I'm thinking maybe some sperm in a jar of water? Would that be just as fun?
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If you were a cat and you work in a kitty litter factory making kitty litter - when you had to go to the bathroom - what would you do? Would you just pee or poop on the floor? Is that allowed or not!?
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I think if you went to West Virginia - and you told someone they were "lying through your teeth", you'd not only be calling them a liar but you'd be making fun of them.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her." (Jeez - Picky Picky! - Monkey)
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If you live in an apartment and the guy upstairs was playing his music too loud, you could knock on the roof with a broomstick, but an even better way to get the music to stop would be to set your own apartment on fire - sure you'd lose everything, and it takes several minutes, but you could go back to sleep knowing the music would stop within minutes.
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If I were the executioner, about to behead some poor fool with my huge axe, I'd purposely swing just a little high and take off most of their hair on top of their head. The audience might think it was funny, hell, even the person being beheaded might get a chuckle out of it - you've got to lighten things up sometimes.
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If I were a dog, whenever I licked my balls I'd lick lick lick and then moan. Hmmm....lick lick....ahhh....lick lick lick...mmmm....
Seems like 6/20
Today's blog is dedicated to Calista Flockhart.
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I can't help but think if you were a person born perfectly normal except for you had two squid tentacles instead of arms - and you got pulled over by the cops and they started screaming "Keep your hands on the wheel sir!" - you could sue the government for a LOT of money for discrimination and harassment and you'd be rich squid boy! RICH!
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If I were a prisoner I think it would be funny if when the guard walks down the line, if I took a handful of warm water from my cell sink, and run up and toss the warm water in his face. He'd of course get pissed off, thinking I threw sperm or urine in his face, and he'd open my cell and beat the living shit out of me, but I'd have the last laugh - 'cause I'd know it was really only warm water!
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " I just masturbated with a watermelon. Is that wrong?" (It depends - as long as both of you swear never to tell anyone or do it again together you're okay - Monkey)
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I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
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Monkey Childhood Fantasy: I’m Shaggy in the Scooby Doo van and I’m finally alone with Daphne and I take her to the back of the van, set her pretty ass down on the wheel well and hike up her fuck-me mini-skirt – she’s got no panties on and a nicely trimmed hot wet beaver is in my face and I devour her pussy for two hours straight while she grips my shaggy hair and comes over and over again.
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Would the ladies at my bank be upset if I rented out a safety deposit box to store a really cool dog turd I found the other day?
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I think deer and moose (and my ex-wife) probably spend a lot of time wondering – “Why the fuck do I have tree limbs growing out of my head!?”
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I can't help but think if you were a person born perfectly normal except for you had two squid tentacles instead of arms - and you got pulled over by the cops and they started screaming "Keep your hands on the wheel sir!" - you could sue the government for a LOT of money for discrimination and harassment and you'd be rich squid boy! RICH!
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If I were a prisoner I think it would be funny if when the guard walks down the line, if I took a handful of warm water from my cell sink, and run up and toss the warm water in his face. He'd of course get pissed off, thinking I threw sperm or urine in his face, and he'd open my cell and beat the living shit out of me, but I'd have the last laugh - 'cause I'd know it was really only warm water!
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " I just masturbated with a watermelon. Is that wrong?" (It depends - as long as both of you swear never to tell anyone or do it again together you're okay - Monkey)
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I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
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Monkey Childhood Fantasy: I’m Shaggy in the Scooby Doo van and I’m finally alone with Daphne and I take her to the back of the van, set her pretty ass down on the wheel well and hike up her fuck-me mini-skirt – she’s got no panties on and a nicely trimmed hot wet beaver is in my face and I devour her pussy for two hours straight while she grips my shaggy hair and comes over and over again.
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Would the ladies at my bank be upset if I rented out a safety deposit box to store a really cool dog turd I found the other day?
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I think deer and moose (and my ex-wife) probably spend a lot of time wondering – “Why the fuck do I have tree limbs growing out of my head!?”
Today's 6/19 I think
Today's blog is dedicated to all you fathers out there - hope you had a great Father's Day weekend! (Some oldies today - still trying to wake up)
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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I want to meet the brilliant guy at the dog food company who decided to put coupons IN the 50 lb bag of dog food. Please bring him to me. Dead or alive. My dog is not amused by those coupons falling out in her dog bowl either, Mr. Smart Ass.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "lately i have been wondering what it would be like to wake up in the shire, having breakfast with frodo and sam...talking about how warm the sun feels on our faces...i truly believe i was meant to be a hobbit... " (More than likely I predict you're going to wake up and find you were truly meant to be a faggot instead - Monkey)
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Fun thing to do at work: When you get a call at your company for someone else - say "I'll try and transfer you - but I'm not very good at it - but let me try and transfer you to his/her desk...hold on please". Then do the transfer thing, but first get an outside line, then transfer them to some random number in Sichuan, China. (Use 011, then 86 for China's country code, then 28 for Sichuan, China, then some random numbers.) It's great fun and the people in Sichuan China LOVE getting calls so don't worry!
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show, bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow the fuck up.
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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I want to meet the brilliant guy at the dog food company who decided to put coupons IN the 50 lb bag of dog food. Please bring him to me. Dead or alive. My dog is not amused by those coupons falling out in her dog bowl either, Mr. Smart Ass.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "lately i have been wondering what it would be like to wake up in the shire, having breakfast with frodo and sam...talking about how warm the sun feels on our faces...i truly believe i was meant to be a hobbit... " (More than likely I predict you're going to wake up and find you were truly meant to be a faggot instead - Monkey)
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Fun thing to do at work: When you get a call at your company for someone else - say "I'll try and transfer you - but I'm not very good at it - but let me try and transfer you to his/her desk...hold on please". Then do the transfer thing, but first get an outside line, then transfer them to some random number in Sichuan, China. (Use 011, then 86 for China's country code, then 28 for Sichuan, China, then some random numbers.) It's great fun and the people in Sichuan China LOVE getting calls so don't worry!
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show, bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow the fuck up.
It's about 6/16/1947
Today's blog is dedicated to all of you out there who are lonely and feel they are unloved. True loneliness is a terrible thing, and to not know what it's like to feel loved is also terrible. If I could I would give every lonely person in this world a big hug and a smile and spend some time with them I would. I'm trying more frequent, smaller Monkey blogs these days.
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the Monkey thinks "Sudoku" is a Japanese word that translates to Su: "What the fuck!?" do: "This shit sucks!" ku: "I just don't get it!"
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I think if you were in Heaven and you had your harp and started fucking around with it, pretending your harp was a pitchfork and you were in Hell - and one of the Angels or Jesus or God saw you - they'd be like "HEY!! You think that shit is FUNNY!? I'll send your clown-ass down there if you think that shit's so funny - that's a fuckin' EXPENSIVE musical instrument not a prop for a GAG to make your buddies laugh Mr. Funny Man!!!"
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "Several times I've tried building a fake pussy out of household materials. Never worked." (Your mother's been wondering where the vacuum cleaner, the toaster oven, the can of 1040 Motor Oil and the spa pump motor were!! - Monkey)
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The internet CAN be a bad thing - like when you find on eBay a Hot Wheels car you had when you were a kid is worth $90.00, but you can remember the day you and your teen buddies smoked that bowl and blew the shit out of that very Hot Wheel car with some fire crackers and burned it with lighter fluid.
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the Monkey thinks "Sudoku" is a Japanese word that translates to Su: "What the fuck!?" do: "This shit sucks!" ku: "I just don't get it!"
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I think if you were in Heaven and you had your harp and started fucking around with it, pretending your harp was a pitchfork and you were in Hell - and one of the Angels or Jesus or God saw you - they'd be like "HEY!! You think that shit is FUNNY!? I'll send your clown-ass down there if you think that shit's so funny - that's a fuckin' EXPENSIVE musical instrument not a prop for a GAG to make your buddies laugh Mr. Funny Man!!!"
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "Several times I've tried building a fake pussy out of household materials. Never worked." (Your mother's been wondering where the vacuum cleaner, the toaster oven, the can of 1040 Motor Oil and the spa pump motor were!! - Monkey)
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The internet CAN be a bad thing - like when you find on eBay a Hot Wheels car you had when you were a kid is worth $90.00, but you can remember the day you and your teen buddies smoked that bowl and blew the shit out of that very Hot Wheel car with some fire crackers and burned it with lighter fluid.
It must be 6/15/06
Today's blog is dedicated to Roberta Pedon (born 1954 in Ohio) a big-busted American hot glamour model who gained popularity in the 1970s, made her money, and retired. Some of my favorites today.
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
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Free Monkey Tip of the Day: "If you're in a lynch mob and everyone's gathered at night outside the sheriff's office for a good ol' fashioned lynching' party, you know those torches carried all night and that fire is doing terrible damage to your skin, when you go home later that night, toss those ol' smelly clothes in the wash and treat your skin to some Olay Total Effects Intensive Restoration Treatment cream.
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Don't you hate it when you're so drunk you go to the bathroom to put in some eyedrops but instead end up going into the garage and putting "Ortho Weed-B-Gon Lawn
Weed Killer 2" in your eyes? (Both of 'em)
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "my wife is a selfish cunt who only truly cares about herself. I can count on once every six months or so her blowing up about nothing and treating me like total ass for a day or two, before she comes crawling back to me apologizing for her behavior. Fuck you. " (Ahh - another newlywed - Monkey)
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I had a healthy, normal childhood. I can still remember when I learned that I could take Silly Putty and lift a picture of a coochy from my older brother's Hustler magazine. I'd then have a really cool, stretchable pussy that I could almost even open - I called my invention "Silly Pussy" (Pat. Pending) and it was my first invention. I was nine.
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Things that suck: You've got her all worked up, you're doing her really good and she's even getting into some dirty talk like you like, and your left toe hits the "REDIAL" button on the cordless phone that was on the bed (for some fucked up reason)and now her mother gets to hear her daughter and you cumming hard together. (And it took her 27 minutes to hang up)
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
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Free Monkey Tip of the Day: "If you're in a lynch mob and everyone's gathered at night outside the sheriff's office for a good ol' fashioned lynching' party, you know those torches carried all night and that fire is doing terrible damage to your skin, when you go home later that night, toss those ol' smelly clothes in the wash and treat your skin to some Olay Total Effects Intensive Restoration Treatment cream.
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Don't you hate it when you're so drunk you go to the bathroom to put in some eyedrops but instead end up going into the garage and putting "Ortho Weed-B-Gon Lawn
Weed Killer 2" in your eyes? (Both of 'em)
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "my wife is a selfish cunt who only truly cares about herself. I can count on once every six months or so her blowing up about nothing and treating me like total ass for a day or two, before she comes crawling back to me apologizing for her behavior. Fuck you. " (Ahh - another newlywed - Monkey)
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I had a healthy, normal childhood. I can still remember when I learned that I could take Silly Putty and lift a picture of a coochy from my older brother's Hustler magazine. I'd then have a really cool, stretchable pussy that I could almost even open - I called my invention "Silly Pussy" (Pat. Pending) and it was my first invention. I was nine.
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Things that suck: You've got her all worked up, you're doing her really good and she's even getting into some dirty talk like you like, and your left toe hits the "REDIAL" button on the cordless phone that was on the bed (for some fucked up reason)and now her mother gets to hear her daughter and you cumming hard together. (And it took her 27 minutes to hang up)
Flag Day in the US of A
Today's blog is dedicated to all our hard-working airport TRW workers who hear the same ol' bullshit unfunny jokes and grumbling and moaning from EVERY fuckin' passenger going through the gate. Fuck off these guys are trying to keep your complaining ass from being blown to 3 billion pieces.
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Signs the Monkey is old: I remeber when everyone had only 1-3 TV Networks to watch - and kids programming was limited, so the next day at school or in the neighborhood we had a lot more in common because we were all on the same page.
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It's probably a bad sign if you're having sex with your woman and she wants you to lean over and get her the remote - you don't have to pull out - but slide that remote this way.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "i lost my virginity to a pot head who kills squirrels" (And I have apologized over and OVER again God can't you just FORGET IT!! - Monkey)
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Hey the monkey works out hard and often and has a NICE body - I'm proud to say it - the other day I was admiring all my hard work in the mirror - my abs are coming in, my chest is just the way I want it, and the fucking Wal-Mart security guard comes out of his office and has the balls to ask me to please put my shirt back on and step away from his 2-way mirror! What a dick!
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Monkey Childhood Hobby: When the electricity went out in OUR house, my brother monkeys and I thought it was GREAT fun to run around the house in the dark turning everything on, with settings of high volume, high temperature, Blend, bake, full, etc. It made the dark time more entertaining because we knew when that power came back on our mom was gonna have a cow!
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Signs the Monkey is old: I remeber when everyone had only 1-3 TV Networks to watch - and kids programming was limited, so the next day at school or in the neighborhood we had a lot more in common because we were all on the same page.
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It's probably a bad sign if you're having sex with your woman and she wants you to lean over and get her the remote - you don't have to pull out - but slide that remote this way.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "i lost my virginity to a pot head who kills squirrels" (And I have apologized over and OVER again God can't you just FORGET IT!! - Monkey)
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Hey the monkey works out hard and often and has a NICE body - I'm proud to say it - the other day I was admiring all my hard work in the mirror - my abs are coming in, my chest is just the way I want it, and the fucking Wal-Mart security guard comes out of his office and has the balls to ask me to please put my shirt back on and step away from his 2-way mirror! What a dick!
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Monkey Childhood Hobby: When the electricity went out in OUR house, my brother monkeys and I thought it was GREAT fun to run around the house in the dark turning everything on, with settings of high volume, high temperature, Blend, bake, full, etc. It made the dark time more entertaining because we knew when that power came back on our mom was gonna have a cow!
Today's About 6/13
Today's blog is dedicated to Jenna Haze. Half new, half old today. I love you folks.
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So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!?
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Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "i once screwed a girl with a sandwich bag on my dick. i didnt want to get her pregnant or catch a disease.. i didnt have a condom on me. i was 13"
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I think if I were an old west cowboy, I'd be a gunslinger. Yep, I'd sneak up to the saloon door and sling my gun in there at all the other cowboys as hard as I could and then run like hell down the street, giggling.
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So Saturday night I told that hot bartender lady that I really wanted to have sex on the beach, and she brought me a drink, so I took my drink down to the beach and waited for her but she never showed up. Bitch.
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If I were a construction worker or a roofer, I’d teach myself to go down ladders headfirst. This would immediately earn me admiration at almost any job site I was working on, and before long my cool construction-worker-nickname would be “Spider” and I'd get "SPIDER" tattooed across my back, upside-down so I'd be even cooler going down those ladders headfirst.
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If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course REALLY I’d be ready to get up and pray with them – but this would be a great way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.)
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If I were a fire fighter and in a burning house, I think it would be a good time to go into the lady’s bedroom and snoop around in her panties – I’d try to sniff the ones in her dirty clothes but I’ll bet with all the smoke in there and my fire fighter’s mask I couldn’t smell much.
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So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!?
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Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "i once screwed a girl with a sandwich bag on my dick. i didnt want to get her pregnant or catch a disease.. i didnt have a condom on me. i was 13"
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I think if I were an old west cowboy, I'd be a gunslinger. Yep, I'd sneak up to the saloon door and sling my gun in there at all the other cowboys as hard as I could and then run like hell down the street, giggling.
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So Saturday night I told that hot bartender lady that I really wanted to have sex on the beach, and she brought me a drink, so I took my drink down to the beach and waited for her but she never showed up. Bitch.
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If I were a construction worker or a roofer, I’d teach myself to go down ladders headfirst. This would immediately earn me admiration at almost any job site I was working on, and before long my cool construction-worker-nickname would be “Spider” and I'd get "SPIDER" tattooed across my back, upside-down so I'd be even cooler going down those ladders headfirst.
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If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course REALLY I’d be ready to get up and pray with them – but this would be a great way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.)
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If I were a fire fighter and in a burning house, I think it would be a good time to go into the lady’s bedroom and snoop around in her panties – I’d try to sniff the ones in her dirty clothes but I’ll bet with all the smoke in there and my fire fighter’s mask I couldn’t smell much.
It's Friday the 9th of June
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of all brave Monkeys who have gone into space with NASA. Today Monkey brings out some of his favorites, plays around with 'em, and puts them back out. Have a great weekend!
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They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair, and my table is going to be one of those little white table-looking things that come in pizza boxes.
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When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
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(And that was home-schooling)
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I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.
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How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face, and ceiling? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.
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II think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – and you KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their faces every now and again.
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I can’t help but think that there’s probably a boy in some country out there, in some weird language, with the name “Penis Head” – but if he immigrated with his family to the U.S. he’d claim his name was pronounced “pee-NISH-e-ahd” Yeah whatever dick head boy.
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They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair, and my table is going to be one of those little white table-looking things that come in pizza boxes.
-------------------------
When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
--------------------------
(And that was home-schooling)
--------------------------
I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.
--------------------------
How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face, and ceiling? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.
---------------------------
II think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – and you KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their faces every now and again.
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I can’t help but think that there’s probably a boy in some country out there, in some weird language, with the name “Penis Head” – but if he immigrated with his family to the U.S. he’d claim his name was pronounced “pee-NISH-e-ahd” Yeah whatever dick head boy.
It's 6/6/7 (The Neighbor of the Beast!!)
Today's blog is dedicated to all you grandparents out there who had your kid move far away for another job and take your precious grand baby from you. That must suck.
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Remember being in the playground and it's finally your turn at the top of the slide and the little bitch girl behind you is like "Hurry UP!" Remember you'd slap her really hard across the thigh and then quickly make your escape down the slide!? I did this the other day at the park and the girl's parents ran up and were highly upset and screaming something about the cops - Jeez - kids are so sensitive these days!
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A long time ago, did people used to hold their breath waiting on something to happen? Was that part of our culture? I don't think so - so why the FUCK do people always say "Don't hold your breath" when you're waiting on something!? I wasn't PLANNING on holding my breath!!
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I'm VERY critical when it comes to my porn - and by golly if you've got a jpeg called "Woman sucking a huge cock" and she's got her mouth on it but his cock is totally DRY - then I know she's not REALLY sucking it - so it's crap! Monkey Porn Reviewers gives this our "Two limp dicks" rating.
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Some people suck - I had spent about 30 minutes carefully prepping and actually cooking a nice meal for myself, a delectable, succulent, four-star feast, a special, well-presented meal for myself, and my friend comes by and fucks it up with: "Monkey why do you have a piece of fried baloney on a dinner plate?" I threw him out and the evening was ruined.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "my name is katie and i go to prendiville catholic college. at night i have a barney doll that i make out with and i've attached a rubber dildo to him and i moan when i come and pretend its my brother.the other night i was yelling out his name and he walked in on me. now i cant look him in the face" (Chill out, he was only looking for his rubber dildo! - Monkey)
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If I were an alien with my own UFO I'd come down to Earth, land in the middle of a huge city in broad daylight, right in front of everyone - I'd then exit my UFO to the gasps and screams of the people, and I'd slowly walk over to a trash can and pull out a random object, walk slowly back to my UFO and make a dramatic exit - and I'd giggle my green alien ass off, because the dumb humans would spend the next 300 years analyzing and speculating and studying "The Day The Aliens took a Diet Dr. Pepper Can"
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Remember being in the playground and it's finally your turn at the top of the slide and the little bitch girl behind you is like "Hurry UP!" Remember you'd slap her really hard across the thigh and then quickly make your escape down the slide!? I did this the other day at the park and the girl's parents ran up and were highly upset and screaming something about the cops - Jeez - kids are so sensitive these days!
-----------------------------
A long time ago, did people used to hold their breath waiting on something to happen? Was that part of our culture? I don't think so - so why the FUCK do people always say "Don't hold your breath" when you're waiting on something!? I wasn't PLANNING on holding my breath!!
------------------------------
I'm VERY critical when it comes to my porn - and by golly if you've got a jpeg called "Woman sucking a huge cock" and she's got her mouth on it but his cock is totally DRY - then I know she's not REALLY sucking it - so it's crap! Monkey Porn Reviewers gives this our "Two limp dicks" rating.
------------------------------
Some people suck - I had spent about 30 minutes carefully prepping and actually cooking a nice meal for myself, a delectable, succulent, four-star feast, a special, well-presented meal for myself, and my friend comes by and fucks it up with: "Monkey why do you have a piece of fried baloney on a dinner plate?" I threw him out and the evening was ruined.
------------------------
My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "my name is katie and i go to prendiville catholic college. at night i have a barney doll that i make out with and i've attached a rubber dildo to him and i moan when i come and pretend its my brother.the other night i was yelling out his name and he walked in on me. now i cant look him in the face" (Chill out, he was only looking for his rubber dildo! - Monkey)
-------------------------------------------
If I were an alien with my own UFO I'd come down to Earth, land in the middle of a huge city in broad daylight, right in front of everyone - I'd then exit my UFO to the gasps and screams of the people, and I'd slowly walk over to a trash can and pull out a random object, walk slowly back to my UFO and make a dramatic exit - and I'd giggle my green alien ass off, because the dumb humans would spend the next 300 years analyzing and speculating and studying "The Day The Aliens took a Diet Dr. Pepper Can"
Today's got to be at least 6/5
Today's blog is dedicated to Stella Stevens - I watched her the other day in original THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (1963) Holy shit I could look into those incredible eyes forever, and I want the DVD version so I can put that doll in freeze-frame and slow motion and enjoy every second of her.
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When my mother said to one of us kids "Run out and put these envelopes in the mailbox and don't forget to raise the flag!!" - I'd always forget to raise that flag, and she'd find her bills in there later when she checked the mail. That was grounds for an instant on-the-spot-ass whuppin', right there in the front yard for the whole neighborhood to see and hear.
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Stupid thing the Monkey likes to do when in a car with someone: I'll wait until someone turns in front of us and I'll say "Nice turn signal!!!" And the person I'm with will say "What? They used their turn signal!" - and I'll say "I know, I saw it, it was really nice, I was just pointing that out"
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I've come to the conclusion that I'm a pathetic, chronically horny, immature monkey; I was looking at a serious pamphlet in a waiting room about "Endometrial Ablation" and found myself getting all hard and worked up because they have a diagram of a vagina/uterus, to teach about the procedure, and mmmmm pussssyyyyyy
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I think it would suck if you were a teenager dude and your name was "Aflac" - you'd end up hanging yourself with your Dad's necktie down in the basement for all the shit people would give you.
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I'm willing to bet that National Geographic doesn't show us EVERY THING they find in the fancy Egyptian pharaohs tombs - like when the pharaohs used to insist that they be buried with their favorite elaborate, hand-carved, ivory and solid gold "pocket pussy" to use in the next life, with the lifelike, fleshlike lips made from the leaves of the date palms that grew along the Nile.
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Signs you've had too much to drink and the next day's gonna suck: You go to sleep and dream - but your dream is the TV commercial for Zamfir, "MASTER of the Pan Flute" - and the commercial plays - over, and over, and over again, until the hauntingly beautiful pan flute is interrupted by your alarm clock.
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Don't you hate it when you are on a 56K Dial-Up internet connection and your friends and family send these emails with a 19912K movie attachments and they write "Open this one up and check it out, it's hilarious" Fuck you it is - ain't nuthin' that funny that I gotta wait 4 hours to see it - I don't even do that for porn buddy!
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When my mother said to one of us kids "Run out and put these envelopes in the mailbox and don't forget to raise the flag!!" - I'd always forget to raise that flag, and she'd find her bills in there later when she checked the mail. That was grounds for an instant on-the-spot-ass whuppin', right there in the front yard for the whole neighborhood to see and hear.
-------------------------
Stupid thing the Monkey likes to do when in a car with someone: I'll wait until someone turns in front of us and I'll say "Nice turn signal!!!" And the person I'm with will say "What? They used their turn signal!" - and I'll say "I know, I saw it, it was really nice, I was just pointing that out"
--------------------------
I've come to the conclusion that I'm a pathetic, chronically horny, immature monkey; I was looking at a serious pamphlet in a waiting room about "Endometrial Ablation" and found myself getting all hard and worked up because they have a diagram of a vagina/uterus, to teach about the procedure, and mmmmm pussssyyyyyy
--------------------------
I think it would suck if you were a teenager dude and your name was "Aflac" - you'd end up hanging yourself with your Dad's necktie down in the basement for all the shit people would give you.
---------------------------
I'm willing to bet that National Geographic doesn't show us EVERY THING they find in the fancy Egyptian pharaohs tombs - like when the pharaohs used to insist that they be buried with their favorite elaborate, hand-carved, ivory and solid gold "pocket pussy" to use in the next life, with the lifelike, fleshlike lips made from the leaves of the date palms that grew along the Nile.
--------------------------
Signs you've had too much to drink and the next day's gonna suck: You go to sleep and dream - but your dream is the TV commercial for Zamfir, "MASTER of the Pan Flute" - and the commercial plays - over, and over, and over again, until the hauntingly beautiful pan flute is interrupted by your alarm clock.
----------------------------
Don't you hate it when you are on a 56K Dial-Up internet connection and your friends and family send these emails with a 19912K movie attachments and they write "Open this one up and check it out, it's hilarious" Fuck you it is - ain't nuthin' that funny that I gotta wait 4 hours to see it - I don't even do that for porn buddy!
