Today's blog is dedicated to Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers on NPR's "Car Talk" show. I never tire of those guys. (no pun intended)
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Monkey rants: You people that keep mixing that "Hentai" and "Manga" shit with REAL porn cut that shit out!? I don't care about "Cute Japanese Cartoon Girls taking it up their backsides" - they're CARTOONS for crying out loud!! GROW UP!
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I can't help but think in SOME country's language the word for "Axe Murderer" sounds a lot like "House-keeping!" and this could lead to some fun when these guys come stay in our country in hotels.
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I think it sucks when you're eating dinner at someone's house and the food is nasty so you sneak over to the sink and dump it all out, THEN realize the bastards not only can't cook worth a hoot, but they're too cheap to buy a garbage disposal?!!?
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Don't you hate it when your company's IT Department tries to be all "official" and they say "You must change your password now. Please note passwords must be 14 characters long and contain at least four of the following: 1) A mixture of numbers/letters 2) At least two uppercase letters, 3) Two Chinese characters, and 4) A non-alphabet character such as #(@#. What the hell!? My birth date doesn't contain all that shit, nor does my last name!
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Monkey Studios Movie Idea of The Day: SANDWICH (PG-17) a touching animated children's movie (Look out Pixar!) about a jellyfish who falls in love outside her species - she finds herself attracted to the rare Peanut-Butter fish - and of course ALL the other sea creatures have to crack peanut-butter & jelly fish jokes NON STOP and that shit gets OLD man, Jesus fuck OFF will ya!? The couple try and hide and..(Well, I won't give away the ending) 2hrs, 48 min, black and white, Graphic Sex Scenes, Strong Violence, implied bestiality, Sodomy, Race, Strong Language, Nudity)

Today's lil' blog is dedicated war veterans everywhere, past and present, on Memorial day, thank you for your sacrifices and service to our great nation. Today's' bog is also dedicated to that hot babe (Tawny Kitaen) in the Whitesnake "Here I Go Again" music video - I saw that video again on VH1 Classics and I still dream about her.
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I think one of the worst jobs in the world would be the guy that watches the "people mover" things in the airport and has to say over and over again all day "Caution, moving sidewalk is coming to an end, please look down. Caution, moving sidewalk is coming to an end, please look down, Caution, moving sidewalk is..."
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X-Ray technicians at the hospital DON'T think it's amusing when you ask if she'll give you a boner and snap a picture of it.
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If I worked for the Highway Department I think it'd be great fun to find a really empty, flat stretch of highway with no mountains around and put up a "Watch For Falling Rocks" sign.
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Things the Monkey fears: I have a fear - I am always scared that one morning I'm going to get up and have to pee really badly - I run to the toilet and find that there's a baby squid in the toilet bowl - he's clinging to the sides so I can't flush him, he's purple colored and I can see his eyes and he's squirming around...but I have to pee really badly - do I pee on him? Will he mind if I pee on his head?

Today's blog is dedicated to Mother Teresa of Calcutta, (1910 - 1997)
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You meet some cheap, CHEAP bastards at yard sales. I had a woman come up to me at my yard sale and actually have the balls to say "Look I know you're asking 10 bucks for this Barbie doll but um.. it's missing her left leg, has no head, and someone has carved "Ozzy Rules!" on her stomach. How about a quarter for it?"
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The Monkey Cage readers are too smart to be clicking on those lame ads ANYWAY!! Good riddance!:
"Your PayClick.org account has been terminated, because our advertisers have determined that your website does not meet their requirements."
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I think it would be cool to go back to the 1950's and go to a "Lover's Lane". Sitting up there in the car looking over the city lights, listening to romantic music, my big hard monkey penis out, the heavy breathing... I'd even bring a girl with me sometimes.
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To be one of the guys, here's what you have to do - any time you're doing anything mechanical with a buddy, working on a car or whatever, always find a way to mention "cunt hair". Examples: "We need to turn that bolt just a cunt hair", or "...the torque on this sonofabitch is just a cunt hair off" It's just one of those "guy things" that has to be said/done.
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Here's a free Monkey Tip for Veterinarians!: Vets - the next time you neuter a young cat, don't throw those balls away just yet! Make a really cool "catnip ball toy" for cats! They love 'em! Here's how; keep some catnip handy in the OR, after removing the cat's balls, quickly sprinkle some catnip into the little scrotum, sew it up - whamo - instant cat toy! You can even give it to the cat you just neutered as a "Get Well Soon!" fun cat toy! (He'll think it looks vaguely familiar - but won't recognize them entirely - don't worry)
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "One of the best ways to keep your teenager off pot is to make sure when you're not home you lock your bedroom door or just take it with you" Monkey...the anti-drug.
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I live in a small Montana town and the other day I looked out of my window and saw a group of hunters standing around in a parking lot. (It's hunting season) - they stood in a circle as I watched, each man would take a turn pulling out his big rifle and show it to the other guys and they'd all admire it. Some guys had rifles that were bigger than the other guys did. Sometimes if a guy had a really nice rifle the other guys would touch it and rub it's long hard shaft and admire the tip and caress it. Sometimes two guys at once would fondle and admire one guy's gun - one would be admiring and stroking the shaft while the other guy paid attention to the tip. I finally closed the curtains and went inside to give them some privacy.

Today's blog is dedicated to a man in China named Mo Yiyan - I'm not sure WHO he is - but I'll bet you there IS a guy in China named that - and I'll bet he's a swell guy too. Today's half new stuff, and half old stuff I drug out, dusted off, and maybe even modified a bit.
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I ACCIDENTALLY stumbled upon a porn site - "Naughty Office" - where it says "Bosses fucking their secretaries! Co-Workers fucking each other!" Hell, that's about EVERY office isn't it!?
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If I'm ever taken captive, abducted by aliens, and they take me up on their spaceship to do "tests" I've already got a plan: I'm going to politely ask if I may use their bathroom, and while in there, I'd find a toilet where some slob alien bastard had taken a dump and not flushed it, I'd reach into that toilet and take a finger full of the alien's poop and stick it up my ass - gross? Yes. Very. But I'd have the last laugh because when they did their infamous "anal probe" on me they'd get readings saying we I was of the SAME GENETIC MAKEUP as them - and they'd HAVE to let me go!
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I think if you were paid to be one of those folks that "may monitor this call for quality assurance and training purposes" and every now and again you busted out laughing you'd probably get into some trouble.
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If I were a woman (and it's a good thing I'm not) - every time I was having my period I'd wear one of those cool Red Cross "Hug Me! I Gave Blood Today" badges.
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If I worked at a fast food drive-thru on the intercom, I'd tell people to "Thank You. Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me 'cause I'd be in the 2nd window!
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I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with a smartassed "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cave woman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!

Today's blog is dedicated to Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, (because I told her last night I'd dedicate today's blog to her)
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You know you're pretty damned drunk when you're dancing at the bar, and you suddenly realize you're dancing with two guys, and then you realize holy shit these two guys you're dancing with have GUNS! And holy shit - you're not dancing after all - you're fighting and swinging - it just feels sort of like dancing - and they're cops!
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Monkey in the Media. From The Billings Outpost:
"The Gazette’s website also links to Montana-based blogs, including the Monkey Cage. The proprietor of the Monkey Cage blog is a genuinely funny guy, but I wouldn’t repeat much of what he writes in polite company, or even in rude company. If newspapers are responsible for people they quote, are they responsible for people they link to?"
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I'll bet it's nerve-wracking if you were thrown into a jail in the old west, and you wake up the next morning and sure enough - there's hammering outside in the street and you think - FUCK - they're building the gallows to hang me - but you peek through the bars in the street and it's just some kid building a dog house. Whew.
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Favorite confession from today's Group Hug "I go for slow walks many nights in a secluded park in a bad part of town, and stick out my butt a little and walk effeminately, hoping some of the teenagers there playing basketball will rob and then rape me. I'm a 47-year-old male school principal in Scranton, happily married for 23 years, and my wife would kill me if she found out."
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I think if you were a serial killer, and your trademark "calling card" is that you always stabbed your victims as many times as the age they were, but you ALSO left a dog turd at the scene, the media would go nuts - they wouldn't know which cool serial-killer nickname to give you! Some would call you "The Age Stabber" and perhaps others would call you something like "The Dog Turd Killer", and it'd be confusing for everyone involved.

Today's blog is dedicated to that Motor City Madman himself - Ted Nugent.
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It'd be rough if you hacked up your ex-wife and her bitch mother into 720 pieces with an axe, and you went to bury them in the back yard, but then you remembered the Power/Utilities ad campaign about "Call Before You Dig" - and started getting really scared you might hit a buried line if you didn't call....
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Monkey Web Idea: Monkey Productions Inc. is working on another version of Google - called "Giggle" - it's a joke/humor search engine!
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I think it'd be hilarious to get a personalize license plate that says "D3L 914"
(No it doesn't mean anything at all - THAT'S what makes it funny dammit!
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I went to the gym the other day and was having a blast just watching the women, with their glistening sweaty skin, their toned bodies....I was getting a woody and enjoying myself when suddenly the fuckin' gym manager comes in and said I had to leave the women's bathroom.
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My little handy fancy digital thermometer has the INSIDE temperature, the OUTSIDE temperature, and I discovered cool hidden features; if I turn the thing upside down I can get UPSIDE-DOWN-INSIDE temperature (Currently "hL") and UPSIDE-DOWN-OUTSIDE temperature (currently "h9")

Today’s blog is dedicated to the beautiful Elizabeth Taylor. Old stuff today – sorry
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I was in a restaurant today, and went to the bathroom - I was about to wash my hands when I saw a sign above the sink: "Employees Must Wash Hands" - so I waited, and waited - no employee showed up - what a rip off - I had to wash my own hands.
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I have a really good talent, but I'm not sure if I can put it on my resume. When I get undressed, I can flick my underwear up in the air with my toes, and this morning I was even able to flip it up, OVER MY HEAD, and catch it behind my back. Is that talent or what?
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I think if you were a cowboy out on the range with the other cowboys, sitting around the fire eating beans and drinking thick, black coffee - you wouldn't want to say "Say...any of you guys have any of that Sleepy Time Herbal Tea? That stuff is awesome!"
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Don't you hate it when you think you're being clever - and have a child's birthday coming up - and you decide on a cool blue plastic Albertson's grocery bag, (They're free and fun!) and some asshole adult at the kid's party has to ruin it by pointing out to everyone "NOT A TOY" on the side of the bag, and everyone acts as if YOU'RE an asshole!?
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Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Scarecrow" (PG-17) - a movie set in the future, where the politically correct assholes have all but taken over America. But when they declare that scarecrows are "insensitive" and politically incorrect and set out to destroy them, this is the last straw for many Americans (pun intended) and America's second great Civil War is on. Starring Russell Crowe. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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Signs you may be in a nasty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they signed it in human feces with their finger!
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If I were a clam living in the ocean, I'd never shave, I'd grow a big thick beard just to watch scuba divers point at me and laugh and grab their buddies and point at me and mouth the words "Look - a bearded clam!"
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If I were a scuba diver and saw a clam on the ocean floor that had a beard, I'd get my scuba buddy's attention and point at it and mouth "Look, a bearded clam!"

Today’s blog is dedicated to those airport employees who push around empty wheel chairs. Today's blog is 90% new stuff.
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I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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Helpful Tip to Monkey-Cage readers: When you're a kid, humming or singing into a fan is loads of fun and entertaining, but please don't let anyone catch you doing it when you're 41 years old.
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Monkey Studios Movie Idea of the Day: “Skin Flute” ( R) True story. In 1979 a Michigan man named Robert J. Skin invented in his garage a new form of the flute – a flute never before seen – a flute that he was sure would change the music world. He called it the “Skin Flute” and begins to promote it. He was shocked to find the music industry laughed at his Skin Flute, but he was sure it would be a hit and he took to the roads to promote it himself, traveling around to schools and colleges and orchestras, begging flutist to PLEASE take his skin flute in their mouth and try it, just ONCE! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll never forget this movie. (2 hrs, 40 min) Graphic Violence, Adult Situations, Adult Language, Drug Use, Sodomy, Nudity, Implied Bestiality
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I think if you invented one of those high-powered “energy drinks”, made it bright orange in color, and called it “Agent Orange” people would buy it up left and right. Trust me on this one.
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When I was a little boy when no one was looking I’d take my nieces Barbie Doll, put it in a short skirt, and bend her over way far so I could see her ass..mmmm..this would give the little Monkey a woody, and to this day I can’t get off with a lady unless I first shave her completely bald down there, then take a Sharpie and draw lines on her legs so it looks like her legs are attached to her like Barbie’s were.
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(I’m only kidding on that last one – really I am.)
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I think one part of the Americana Hobo history that doesn't get glorified (or even mentioned) is the days when the hobos on the train would gather in the box car and suck each other's wine/urine/sweat smelling nasty hobo cocks.

Today's Saturday morning blog is dedicated to all those Chinese folks in China that are always riding around on bicycles. Y'all crack me up.
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I still think Bukkake is a fine name but you don't meet many girls with that name.
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I think back in the old days if your friends showed up at your house and said "You wanna go get stoned?" - you'd have to be careful..."You mean....with rocks?" you better ask.
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If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.
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I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.
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I think a cool and funny trick those Christians probably played back in the days when they were fed to lions was to swallow a shitload of chili powder before going out into the arena - that way when the lions started devouring them the lions would start to sneeze and sneeze and all the people watching would get a giggle out of it.

Today's blog is dedicated to Led Zeppelin. 'nuff said. Today's some new, some old.
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One thing that sucks about having sex is cleaning up afterwards - there's sticky keys and my mouse is all nasty and sometimes I have to wipe off my monitor. Sucks.
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I think if you were a miner back in the old days - the other miners would get pissed off if you constantly yelled "It's the Mother Load!!" and when they came over you were just over there taking a dump at your claim.
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I think if you got caught looking at hardcore porn by your boss and you said you were "looking for ways to fuck our competition" that the boss wouldn't believe you.
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People act like Baptizing a baby is so special - screw that - I say AUTHORIZE 'em! How many times have you seen signs that say "Baptized Personnel Only" - hardly EVER.
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I think if it sucks that the porn websites all name their movies and pictures "01.jpg", "02.jpg"..., "01.mpg" "02.mpg", etc - come on now - don't you think we get sick of that "An older item named 04.mpg already exist in this location. Do you want to replace it with the one you're moving?"
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If I were a taxi driver in New York City, I'd be just one of those taxis that just drives around splashing people with puddles - I wouldn't even pick up any fares - and I'd only work on rainy days.
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If I ran a dildo manufacturing factory when I fired people I'd say - "You just don't know dick"
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!

This blog's dedicated to The Three Stooges - to this day those guys can have me laughing my ASS off! (And men I believe it's a weird FACT - at least 8 out of 10 women can't STAND the Three Stooges!) I'm taking 4 days off - going back home to see my mother and family! I'll be back on the 10th. Have a great weekend - I love you all
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You ever just get the urge to take a nice, long, HOT shower - and you rip off your clothes and jump in and that water feels oh-so-good and you're enjoying yourself and those fuckin' Home Depot employees come running and start raising hell and whining about "It's for display! Get out!".
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I saw a menu today that read "Grill Cheese". They also had "Fry Chicken" and you could also get "Grill Onion"!!
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a successful businessman who ran huge money-making web sites and you asked your wife to PROUDLY wear one of YOUR company's tee-shirts and she refused!? Just because it was cumslurpinsluts.com and anal-annialaters.com!? Jeez thanks for being such a supportive wife!
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I take great pleasure for some reason in the term "bumbling idiot" - I love to hear it (not often enough - it's more old-timey) - I love to even SAY it - "You bumbling idiot!" Doesn't it sound cool!? Try it!
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I think it would flat-out suck if you went with your girlfriend to her Mother's house for a huge family meal and you had your hard dick out at the dinner table for your girlfriend to secretly play with, and then the fuckin' Dad says "Let's all join hands for a prayer" - and her mother reached over and grabbed your cock.
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(Okay that one goes in the first movie I make!)
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I remember as a kid my chain-smoking step-father would get up every morning and just cough and hack his lungs out for 5 minutes at a time, and I'd think "What an idiot - can't he see what the fuck's going on!?" (I thought about that this morning when I woke up hacking my brains out)

Today's blog is dedicated to that guy who just drove by my house in the green pick-up truck. Today we got half new, half old!
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If I ever found MY cat in the cradle with the silver spoon, I'd be like "Get the FUCK outta that cradle you nasty flea-bitten Osama-Bin Kitty - and what the hell are you doing with that spoon!? You shootin' up AGAIN!?!?!?"
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Monkey Prediction: In the year 2019 a woman who's baby was born dead because of no oyxgen will sue the U.S. Government to have the phrase "Baby Blue" removed from all literature in the world because she sees it as insensitive and an invasion of her rights. She'll win. "Baby Blue Eyes" no more.
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I envision a man born with a birth defect that makes him look like a giant ass. But he goes on with life and people try to ignore it - until one day at the company BBQ when Dave, drunk again, said in conversation: "Hey I love tits - I'm a tit man - Bob - what about you bud? You a tit man or an ....errr......sorry Bob"
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These kids nowadays, they're not giving a shit about the environment at a younger and younger age. This morning on the way to work I saw a used diaper along the highway.
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Monkey Tee Shirt Idea: "If I had a nickle for every time I've been violently raped .. I'd have $4.80"
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If you were a jelly fish and you were trying to impress the other jelly fish by juggling ONE sea urchin ball, I don't think they'd be that impressed. Fuckin' loser.

Today's blog is all those who attended the Bob Wills Day celebration last weekend in Turkey, Texas. Bob Wills rocked. Oh Possum's back and ranting about some BS...
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I used to date (11:30 PM - 4:30 AM) a girl who didn't shave or even trim it and let's just say it was an adventure. But in a way kind of fun - like unwrapping a Reese's Peanut Butter cup before you eat it - pushing all that hair aside with my tongue...and that was just to get to her belly button.
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I heard all the Illegal Aliens were staying home from work today in protest - so I stayed home too - fuck yeah I'm with their cause - I teared up when saw E.T.!
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I think if there can be a day when Illegal Aliens protest and stay home from work that there should also be a "Barely LEGAL Teen" protest where all those online porn "barely legal" hot, wet teens rip off their clothes and go into the streets to protest.
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DaVinci Code!? Fuck that here's a "DaMonkey Code"!:
aaaaFaaaaaUaaaaaCaaaaaaKaaaaaaaaaOaaaaaFaaaaaaFaaaaa!!aaa
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My memory's coming back! Just yesterday I remembered where I'd hidden a pot stash! Yep in a hollowed out book back at my Mom's house next to her Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms when I was 12. Fuck I hope she didn't sell those books at one of her confounded yard sales!
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Back in the Old West Days when you were partying in the saloon you could freely pull out your six-shooter and fire off a couple of rounds into the roof of the bar and whoop and holler, and then for a few coins you could go upstairs with a whore and have some fun. But THEN it doesn't seem so FUNNY anymore when those drunk asshole cowboys downstairs keep firing their six-shooters in the ceiling DOES IT!!? That's called KARMA you drunk-ass hypocrite cowboy!
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Monkey's Tip for Guys: Guys - if you leave a nice romantic "I (heart) U" written on her bathroom mirror with lipstick to surprise her when she wakes up - make sure it's not your GIRLFRIEND'S lipstick you found on your Dodge trucks floor and you put it in your pocket to hide later.
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Eminem's comments on his blog: "Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans, this'll be the last comment I ever send your ass. It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it? I know you got my last two comments - I wrote the email address on 'em perfect. So this is my comment I'm sending you, I hope you read it." etc. etc.