The
Monkey CageWeedend Edition.
Today's weekend blog is dedicated to all you cool Asian ladies who work in the nail shops in the mall doing nails all day and wearing that cool surgical mask.
----------------------
True, real-live drama in Monkey's life: I once found myself with a dead car battery on a busy street - I took the battery out to walk it to an auto store I could see up the road. The battery acid leaked on my jeans - my crotch to be exact - and no shit the acid begin to eat away the crotch of my Levi's. By the time I finally made it to the auto store I was holding that battery in front of my naked, exposed willie. But not too close!!! That day sucked severely.
-----------------------
Monkey BOOK idea of the day!: (Yep I do books too!) I think a sad, sad novel would be a story about a guy out there who has always dreamed about being a Deep Sea Diver - but every time he thinks about "diving" he thinks about MUFF diving, gets horny, and goes out looking for some muff diving activity and he never gets to fulfill his underwater dream.
------------------------
In church when I was a kid sometimes when the choir was singing really well (rarely), I'd close my eyes and wonder if that's what it sounds like to be dead - you hear a choir singing church music in the background. That would suck! I'd say "fuck THAT!" and open my eyes again, only to have Mama glare at me - "What did you just mumble!?!?" she'd say.
------------------------
Another installment of "Real Life vs. Porn": In REAL life, if your lady was about to cum and you said "Wait let me pull it out and cum on your ____(fill in your favorite) - she'd be like "Yeah RIGHT!!!"
-------------------------
Monkey BOOK idea of the Day (2): A book of photographs - well done photographs, of restaurant/cafe tickets/bills where the waitress has signed her name and drew something "cute" like a smiley face - I'll collect them from around the country and the world will enjoy all the different styles of smiley faces and names - along with a picture perhaps of the little greasy spoon I was in when I got it.
------------------------
People who need to be pimp-slapped: You men and women out there who say you're "trapped" in a marriage you can't stand - and spend YEARS of your life wasted on misery and heartache, all because you think divorce is "wrong" or you're waiting until the "kids are gone" or some other bullshit . Meanwhile it's the KIDS who suffer later in life because they don't know what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman is all about - they've never seen it - so they in turn marry, have kids, and repeat it all. Rinse, repeat, rinse. repeat.
------------------------
If I were a horse, and I was walking down the street and saw some guys in a backyard playing horseshoes - I'd be very tempted to yell over at them "HEY!! Those are not TOYS!!!!"
|
----------------------
True, real-live drama in Monkey's life: I once found myself with a dead car battery on a busy street - I took the battery out to walk it to an auto store I could see up the road. The battery acid leaked on my jeans - my crotch to be exact - and no shit the acid begin to eat away the crotch of my Levi's. By the time I finally made it to the auto store I was holding that battery in front of my naked, exposed willie. But not too close!!! That day sucked severely.
-----------------------
Monkey BOOK idea of the day!: (Yep I do books too!) I think a sad, sad novel would be a story about a guy out there who has always dreamed about being a Deep Sea Diver - but every time he thinks about "diving" he thinks about MUFF diving, gets horny, and goes out looking for some muff diving activity and he never gets to fulfill his underwater dream.
------------------------
In church when I was a kid sometimes when the choir was singing really well (rarely), I'd close my eyes and wonder if that's what it sounds like to be dead - you hear a choir singing church music in the background. That would suck! I'd say "fuck THAT!" and open my eyes again, only to have Mama glare at me - "What did you just mumble!?!?" she'd say.
------------------------
Another installment of "Real Life vs. Porn": In REAL life, if your lady was about to cum and you said "Wait let me pull it out and cum on your ____(fill in your favorite) - she'd be like "Yeah RIGHT!!!"
-------------------------
Monkey BOOK idea of the Day (2): A book of photographs - well done photographs, of restaurant/cafe tickets/bills where the waitress has signed her name and drew something "cute" like a smiley face - I'll collect them from around the country and the world will enjoy all the different styles of smiley faces and names - along with a picture perhaps of the little greasy spoon I was in when I got it.
------------------------
People who need to be pimp-slapped: You men and women out there who say you're "trapped" in a marriage you can't stand - and spend YEARS of your life wasted on misery and heartache, all because you think divorce is "wrong" or you're waiting until the "kids are gone" or some other bullshit . Meanwhile it's the KIDS who suffer later in life because they don't know what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman is all about - they've never seen it - so they in turn marry, have kids, and repeat it all. Rinse, repeat, rinse. repeat.
------------------------
If I were a horse, and I was walking down the street and saw some guys in a backyard playing horseshoes - I'd be very tempted to yell over at them "HEY!! Those are not TOYS!!!!"
Seems like today could be April the 27th, 2012
Today’s blog is dedicated to any women named Rose – gosh I’ve always thought that’s such a pretty name! Got too drunk last night and didn’t jot down anything so you’re stuck with repeats.
----------------
I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert.
---------------
"Ground control to major Tom - Take your protein pill and put your helmet on." - Major Tom do this, Major Tom do that - why can't they just leave Major Tom the fuck ALONE in his tin can? What a bunch of pests, those Mission Control guys!
---------------
Back in my day if we wanted to ensure we got passing grades in school all we had to do was get to the mailbox before our parents did and do some magic on the report card...turn that F into a B - turn that frown upside down! Kids nowadays don't have it so easy - to change their grades they need to be up on firewalls, cracking, IP spoofing, backdoors, Unix/Linux, scripting, etc.
--------------
Little girls of a certain age love seahorses, stuffed animals, unicorns, and they love rainbows and sparkly things. Monkey Toys Inc., (a subsidiary of Monkey Labs, Inc.) has come up with a stuffed, rainbow colored, sparkly seahorse who is also a unicorn! We'll be rich! (Batteries sold separately) Warning: Stuffed animal may contain lead, may contain ortho-phenylphenol, This product may contain undeclared egg whites. Choking hazard)
--------------
People think they're clever because they call those round looking eating utensils "Sporks" - "'cause they're half-spoons, half-forks" - but in reality they're more of a spoon than fork so they SHOULD be called "Foons" - but what do I know. I am working on a new invention; half-knife, half-spoon - I'm calling it the "Spife" - any financial backers?
--------------
Things I learned when I was in the Boy Scout of America:
· Cigarettes & weed can best be transported to camping trips in the bottom of a rolled up sleeping bag.
· Tents are very flammable.
· A can of Right Guard deodorant, when thrown into a fire - will explode and provide a lot of fun for all.
-------------
Monkey tip for guys: If you want to get laid - the next time you're in the shower and find one of her long hairs - place it on the shower wall so it sticks and move it around with your finger to form a heart shape - then tell her there's a message from you in the shower and that you love her. (DO NOT use your own pubic hairs and spell out "Me and you - tonight!" - it's impressive and thoughtful, but women wouldn't be impressed)
----------------
I've decided if I'm ever shot I'm going to scream over and over again: "I'M HIT! I'M HIT!" I'll scream this in the ambulance, in the emergency room, everywhere - because it's not every day you get to scream "I'M HIT!" and I'm going to take advantage of it. (I may also start yelling "MEDIC!" – or “Officer Down!” would be fun to yell too – but I’m not a cop so that one would just be weird.)
----------------
A Leed for a Spleet:
The other morning at Dairy Queen I got a banana split:
Drive-through intercom: "Would jew like a leed for the spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive-through guy: "Jew want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A...leed?"
Drive through guy: "Jew want a COVER to put on the banana spleet you order!?"
Me; "OH! No, no thanks - no leed for it"
|
----------------
I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert.
---------------
"Ground control to major Tom - Take your protein pill and put your helmet on." - Major Tom do this, Major Tom do that - why can't they just leave Major Tom the fuck ALONE in his tin can? What a bunch of pests, those Mission Control guys!
---------------
Back in my day if we wanted to ensure we got passing grades in school all we had to do was get to the mailbox before our parents did and do some magic on the report card...turn that F into a B - turn that frown upside down! Kids nowadays don't have it so easy - to change their grades they need to be up on firewalls, cracking, IP spoofing, backdoors, Unix/Linux, scripting, etc.
--------------
Little girls of a certain age love seahorses, stuffed animals, unicorns, and they love rainbows and sparkly things. Monkey Toys Inc., (a subsidiary of Monkey Labs, Inc.) has come up with a stuffed, rainbow colored, sparkly seahorse who is also a unicorn! We'll be rich! (Batteries sold separately) Warning: Stuffed animal may contain lead, may contain ortho-phenylphenol, This product may contain undeclared egg whites. Choking hazard)
--------------
People think they're clever because they call those round looking eating utensils "Sporks" - "'cause they're half-spoons, half-forks" - but in reality they're more of a spoon than fork so they SHOULD be called "Foons" - but what do I know. I am working on a new invention; half-knife, half-spoon - I'm calling it the "Spife" - any financial backers?
--------------
Things I learned when I was in the Boy Scout of America:
· Cigarettes & weed can best be transported to camping trips in the bottom of a rolled up sleeping bag.
· Tents are very flammable.
· A can of Right Guard deodorant, when thrown into a fire - will explode and provide a lot of fun for all.
-------------
Monkey tip for guys: If you want to get laid - the next time you're in the shower and find one of her long hairs - place it on the shower wall so it sticks and move it around with your finger to form a heart shape - then tell her there's a message from you in the shower and that you love her. (DO NOT use your own pubic hairs and spell out "Me and you - tonight!" - it's impressive and thoughtful, but women wouldn't be impressed)
----------------
I've decided if I'm ever shot I'm going to scream over and over again: "I'M HIT! I'M HIT!" I'll scream this in the ambulance, in the emergency room, everywhere - because it's not every day you get to scream "I'M HIT!" and I'm going to take advantage of it. (I may also start yelling "MEDIC!" – or “Officer Down!” would be fun to yell too – but I’m not a cop so that one would just be weird.)
----------------
A Leed for a Spleet:
The other morning at Dairy Queen I got a banana split:
Drive-through intercom: "Would jew like a leed for the spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive-through guy: "Jew want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A...leed?"
Drive through guy: "Jew want a COVER to put on the banana spleet you order!?"
Me; "OH! No, no thanks - no leed for it"
4/26, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to all the pirates of old - ahhh, the pirates life is for me! Half new, half old.
--------------
Don't you hate it when the doctor is checking your balls, he's down on a chair and he's got your balls in his hand and is making you turn your head and cough - but you're still in the waiting room with everyone else!?
--------------
Monkey Quote of the Day: "People say that a woman eating a banana is sexy, but what I think is even more sexy is a woman sucking a big cock"
---------------------
If I were a prisoner I think it would be funny if when the guard walks down the line, if I took a handful of warm water from my cell sink, and run up and toss the warm water in his face. He'd of course get pissed off, thinking I threw sperm or urine in his face, and he'd open my cell and beat the living shit out of me, but I'd have the last laugh - 'cause I'd know it was really only warm water!
----------------------
Signs I've adapted living by myself again: I found a mostly-full box of Peeps left over from Easter and I think - "cool - I've got beer, and here's DINNER!"
--------------------
Sign you may be in a VERY dirty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it with a finger dipped in human shit!
---------------------
I have been messing with AIM these days - and saw a lady named "Linda4U2C69" - now what kind of sick parents would give a girl that name??!
---------------------
How lazy the Monkey is:
I notice I have to jiggle the handle of the toilet to get the stopper to fall in
3 weeks later: I open actually open the back of the toilet to see what's going on - decide I need a new chain and flapper-stopper thing.
2 weeks later: I am at Home Depot but forget to get the fuckin' thing.
3 weeks later: I remember what I need while in a hardware store and buy it - toss it on a table.
4 days later: I open the package and look at the chain and stopper thing
2 days later: I decide to change it because I can't take the jiggling the handle thing. I close up the toilet, flush it - and it works!
1 day later: I notice I must have set the chain-length too short because I have to hold down the handle now when I flush - I'm gonna have to open it up soon and fix that...
|
--------------
Don't you hate it when the doctor is checking your balls, he's down on a chair and he's got your balls in his hand and is making you turn your head and cough - but you're still in the waiting room with everyone else!?
--------------
Monkey Quote of the Day: "People say that a woman eating a banana is sexy, but what I think is even more sexy is a woman sucking a big cock"
---------------------
If I were a prisoner I think it would be funny if when the guard walks down the line, if I took a handful of warm water from my cell sink, and run up and toss the warm water in his face. He'd of course get pissed off, thinking I threw sperm or urine in his face, and he'd open my cell and beat the living shit out of me, but I'd have the last laugh - 'cause I'd know it was really only warm water!
----------------------
Signs I've adapted living by myself again: I found a mostly-full box of Peeps left over from Easter and I think - "cool - I've got beer, and here's DINNER!"
--------------------
Sign you may be in a VERY dirty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it with a finger dipped in human shit!
---------------------
I have been messing with AIM these days - and saw a lady named "Linda4U2C69" - now what kind of sick parents would give a girl that name??!
---------------------
How lazy the Monkey is:
I notice I have to jiggle the handle of the toilet to get the stopper to fall in
3 weeks later: I open actually open the back of the toilet to see what's going on - decide I need a new chain and flapper-stopper thing.
2 weeks later: I am at Home Depot but forget to get the fuckin' thing.
3 weeks later: I remember what I need while in a hardware store and buy it - toss it on a table.
4 days later: I open the package and look at the chain and stopper thing
2 days later: I decide to change it because I can't take the jiggling the handle thing. I close up the toilet, flush it - and it works!
1 day later: I notice I must have set the chain-length too short because I have to hold down the handle now when I flush - I'm gonna have to open it up soon and fix that...
I think it's the 25th of April, 2010
Today's blog is dedicated to Gwyneth Paltrow.
-------------------
If I were a kidnapper, I know from watching TV to ALWAYS ask for the ransom money in "unmarked bills". (And I wouldn't even begin to know how to ask for the money in "marked bills"!)
--------------------
I have a little tiny cheap VCR/TV that used to be color until the color stopped working. I was watching some porn the other night on this thing, when suddenly right in the middle of a hot redhead/blonde lesbian oral scene the color started working! I can't help but think this was perhaps God? Some sort of sign?
--------------------
I can't help but think if you were a person born perfectly normal except for you had two squid tentacles instead of arms - and you got pulled over by the cops and they started screaming "Keep your hands on the wheel sir!" - you could sue the government for a LOT of money for discrimination and harassment and you'd be rich squid boy! RICH!
--------------------
When boarding a plane, and the flight at the entrance to the plane says "Can I help you find your seat?" - there's something I've always wanted to say but never had the guts: "No - but I know where your seat for this flight will be - on my face."
-------------------
Who started this stupid "low rider" jeans trend? WTF. The Monkey thinks that maybe less than 5% of the women/girls I see wearing them SHOULD be wearing them.
-------------------
"Married Talk" by Monkey:
"How 'bout a lil' fun tonight honey?"
"Oh no no, I'm sorry - I'm really tired and I started my period today"
"Oh I'm sorry. Maybe a little oral fun for me then?"
"No no, I really just want to watch this show and then go to bed"
"Oh okay - how 'bout a hand job then? You can watch TV while you do it I don't mind"
"I just did my nails I'm sorry"
|
-------------------
If I were a kidnapper, I know from watching TV to ALWAYS ask for the ransom money in "unmarked bills". (And I wouldn't even begin to know how to ask for the money in "marked bills"!)
--------------------
I have a little tiny cheap VCR/TV that used to be color until the color stopped working. I was watching some porn the other night on this thing, when suddenly right in the middle of a hot redhead/blonde lesbian oral scene the color started working! I can't help but think this was perhaps God? Some sort of sign?
--------------------
I can't help but think if you were a person born perfectly normal except for you had two squid tentacles instead of arms - and you got pulled over by the cops and they started screaming "Keep your hands on the wheel sir!" - you could sue the government for a LOT of money for discrimination and harassment and you'd be rich squid boy! RICH!
--------------------
When boarding a plane, and the flight at the entrance to the plane says "Can I help you find your seat?" - there's something I've always wanted to say but never had the guts: "No - but I know where your seat for this flight will be - on my face."
-------------------
Who started this stupid "low rider" jeans trend? WTF. The Monkey thinks that maybe less than 5% of the women/girls I see wearing them SHOULD be wearing them.
-------------------
"Married Talk" by Monkey:
"How 'bout a lil' fun tonight honey?"
"Oh no no, I'm sorry - I'm really tired and I started my period today"
"Oh I'm sorry. Maybe a little oral fun for me then?"
"No no, I really just want to watch this show and then go to bed"
"Oh okay - how 'bout a hand job then? You can watch TV while you do it I don't mind"
"I just did my nails I'm sorry"
Seems like it's Monday, April the 24th, 2012
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Janis Joplin (1943 - 1970) Today's blog is 90% new and 15% old!
---------------------
"Wake Me When September Ends" by Green Day - how 'bout we rename it to "Wake Me When DJ's FINALLY quit playing this song already!!
---------------------
Monkey Tip of the Day: Guys - this works every time - get her super horny and wet and then when you go to take her panties off, act as if you toss them across the bedroom - but really you stuff the panties betweeny your matress and box springs. She'll get dressed later and be seaching for them - play ignorant and she'll go home pantyless. Later you'll have a really delightful smelly play toy to sniff when she's not there!
---------------------
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Monkey Studios is proud to announce "John Deere Deer" (PG-17) A touching TRUE story! In 1970 in the John Deere Headquarters in Moline, Illinois. Marketing Executive Jacob Henderson (Jack Nicholson) thought it'd be a great idea to capture a real deer, dye it John Deere green and have it paraded around the country as the John Deer "Deer" mascot. Only problem was - the dye in the green paint Jacob used to dye the poor deer caused the membranes of the deer to become inflamed - and caused the deer to fall into insanity. Watch as the fire-eyed crazed green deer terrorized Moline, Illinois for 13 straight days - leaving behind 47 wounded, and three dead. (3 hrs, 2 min. Graphic violence, adult language, drug use/reference, sodomy, implied beastiality)
--------------------
How times have changed for the worse: In the old days, when someone was in prison relatives would bring them a ncie baked cake - with a file in it!!! Nowadays, when someone's in a prison, people smuggle them crack - in little balloons stuffed up their ass!
--------------------
Monkey Tip of the Day (2) Want really pretty cool colored, festive pee? Slam down those big stupid energy drinks like the Monkey does! ("Rock Star" is the best)
---------------------
I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?
---------------------
Monkey Laboratories latest invention: Disposable Wedding Rings! (DWR's) - are you one of those women who takes off your wedding ring and throws it across the room or out the window every time he pisses you off? Are you one of those guys who takes off your ring on business travels and accidently leaves it on the hotel night stand? NO MORE - these rings look just like the real deal but at a cost of only about $.40 each - feel free to be a drama queen and throw it in the trash in front of him - he won't even know the difference! Feel free to leave it in your car or hotel room when traveling - it's only 40 cents!
-----------------------
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I've mastered the technique of the ass-pen cannon. I lube up a pen and stick it in my ass and can shoot it out about 3 meters. I have even made little dents in the walls from my ass's powerful shooting force. I'm afraid that someday the military may abduct me and turn me into a weapon of mass destruction. I am a male."
|
---------------------
"Wake Me When September Ends" by Green Day - how 'bout we rename it to "Wake Me When DJ's FINALLY quit playing this song already!!
---------------------
Monkey Tip of the Day: Guys - this works every time - get her super horny and wet and then when you go to take her panties off, act as if you toss them across the bedroom - but really you stuff the panties betweeny your matress and box springs. She'll get dressed later and be seaching for them - play ignorant and she'll go home pantyless. Later you'll have a really delightful smelly play toy to sniff when she's not there!
---------------------
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Monkey Studios is proud to announce "John Deere Deer" (PG-17) A touching TRUE story! In 1970 in the John Deere Headquarters in Moline, Illinois. Marketing Executive Jacob Henderson (Jack Nicholson) thought it'd be a great idea to capture a real deer, dye it John Deere green and have it paraded around the country as the John Deer "Deer" mascot. Only problem was - the dye in the green paint Jacob used to dye the poor deer caused the membranes of the deer to become inflamed - and caused the deer to fall into insanity. Watch as the fire-eyed crazed green deer terrorized Moline, Illinois for 13 straight days - leaving behind 47 wounded, and three dead. (3 hrs, 2 min. Graphic violence, adult language, drug use/reference, sodomy, implied beastiality)
--------------------
How times have changed for the worse: In the old days, when someone was in prison relatives would bring them a ncie baked cake - with a file in it!!! Nowadays, when someone's in a prison, people smuggle them crack - in little balloons stuffed up their ass!
--------------------
Monkey Tip of the Day (2) Want really pretty cool colored, festive pee? Slam down those big stupid energy drinks like the Monkey does! ("Rock Star" is the best)
---------------------
I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?
---------------------
Monkey Laboratories latest invention: Disposable Wedding Rings! (DWR's) - are you one of those women who takes off your wedding ring and throws it across the room or out the window every time he pisses you off? Are you one of those guys who takes off your ring on business travels and accidently leaves it on the hotel night stand? NO MORE - these rings look just like the real deal but at a cost of only about $.40 each - feel free to be a drama queen and throw it in the trash in front of him - he won't even know the difference! Feel free to leave it in your car or hotel room when traveling - it's only 40 cents!
-----------------------
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I've mastered the technique of the ass-pen cannon. I lube up a pen and stick it in my ass and can shoot it out about 3 meters. I have even made little dents in the walls from my ass's powerful shooting force. I'm afraid that someday the military may abduct me and turn me into a weapon of mass destruction. I am a male."
9 out of 10 dentists say today is April 19th
Today's blog is dedicated to 50's rocker Duane Eddy - even though he was before MY time I love the guy's music.
------------------------
I just know that it's happened that some old lady has finally dared venture online, learns how to Google and enters "Facial" to learn about facials and found out all about those OTHER facials! And perhaps the same old lady has also gone to learn how to make a creampie for her grandkids.
------------------------
I've always wanted to dress up like an Indian chief and drive around the country to car washes - because those people workin' in the car wash have always heard that there ain't no tellin' who you might meet - A movie star or maybe even an Indian chief.
-----------------
Profound moments in Monkey's childhood: I was at a friend's house when I was a kid and this kid's sister had a really cool dollhouse and dolls. I was bored and started playing with it - I had the Mother and Father dolls getting it on in every possible position in every room - she gave him head on the living room couch, he fucked her doggy style on the bathroom floor, I was having a blast and thinking dollhouses CAN be fun when my friend's mother came upstairs and caught me with the father eating the mother out on the floor in the kitchen.
------------------
I like to think that long, long ago in China, when that construction crew was finished building that pain-in-the-ass wall and they were saddled up to the bar afterwards knocking back Yaeger shots they probably had a toast and one of them said. "Boys - that was a GREAT wall we built today"
-------------------
Things that suck in real life but never happen in the movies: Your lady is straddling your face and she's sliding her sweet pussy up and down on your face and coming over and over again and your nose and face are all wet and you can hardly breath but you're controlling your breath expertly like when you're snorkling and suddenly you have to sneeze.
-------------------
I've always thought some of the most beautiful names in the world are names of common weeds, and fly-fishing lures. Some of my favorites (feel free to guess; weed or lure): Dirty Dora, Thundercrank, Emu Foot, Zara Spook, Cathead, Tiny River Runt Go-Deepers, Budda pea, Kevorkian, Blessed milk thistle, Queen Anne’s lace, Swamp Thing, Chickenbone Glow, Bloody Nose, Polish Pirate, White Goosefoot, Stinking Roger, Singapore Daisy, etc....
|
------------------------
I just know that it's happened that some old lady has finally dared venture online, learns how to Google and enters "Facial" to learn about facials and found out all about those OTHER facials! And perhaps the same old lady has also gone to learn how to make a creampie for her grandkids.
------------------------
I've always wanted to dress up like an Indian chief and drive around the country to car washes - because those people workin' in the car wash have always heard that there ain't no tellin' who you might meet - A movie star or maybe even an Indian chief.
-----------------
Profound moments in Monkey's childhood: I was at a friend's house when I was a kid and this kid's sister had a really cool dollhouse and dolls. I was bored and started playing with it - I had the Mother and Father dolls getting it on in every possible position in every room - she gave him head on the living room couch, he fucked her doggy style on the bathroom floor, I was having a blast and thinking dollhouses CAN be fun when my friend's mother came upstairs and caught me with the father eating the mother out on the floor in the kitchen.
------------------
I like to think that long, long ago in China, when that construction crew was finished building that pain-in-the-ass wall and they were saddled up to the bar afterwards knocking back Yaeger shots they probably had a toast and one of them said. "Boys - that was a GREAT wall we built today"
-------------------
Things that suck in real life but never happen in the movies: Your lady is straddling your face and she's sliding her sweet pussy up and down on your face and coming over and over again and your nose and face are all wet and you can hardly breath but you're controlling your breath expertly like when you're snorkling and suddenly you have to sneeze.
-------------------
I've always thought some of the most beautiful names in the world are names of common weeds, and fly-fishing lures. Some of my favorites (feel free to guess; weed or lure): Dirty Dora, Thundercrank, Emu Foot, Zara Spook, Cathead, Tiny River Runt Go-Deepers, Budda pea, Kevorkian, Blessed milk thistle, Queen Anne’s lace, Swamp Thing, Chickenbone Glow, Bloody Nose, Polish Pirate, White Goosefoot, Stinking Roger, Singapore Daisy, etc....
April 18th, 2009
Today's bog is dedicated to one of the most beautiful women in movie history - Gene Tierney. Hope everyone had a great Easter. Some repeats today.
-----------------------
Disappointing times in Monkey's life: I used to stare at "Magic Markers" when I was a kid - waiting on them to do SOMETHING magical and they never did - it was all a big farce like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy
-------------------------
Silly Monkey Thought of the Day: I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
--------------------------
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her." (Jeez - picky picky picky!!! - Monkey)
-------------------------
I'd love to be in the meeting room when hotel restaurant management sets their prices for room service - they've gotta be just rolling on the floor laughing, almost rolling over their crack pipes in laughter:
"How much should we charge for this hamburger meal?"
"I say $11.00!" one will say.
And they all bust out laughing and jot down $11 and move to the next item. Fun fun isn't it you assholes. Yuck it up you bastards.
-------------------------
Speaking of hotels - my son is across the courtyard and I forgot my room key - "Hey! Do you have a key?" I yell out to him. He answers "No I just did awhile ago" (As if I would really ask him if he had to pee!)
-------------------------
I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
|
-----------------------
Disappointing times in Monkey's life: I used to stare at "Magic Markers" when I was a kid - waiting on them to do SOMETHING magical and they never did - it was all a big farce like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy
-------------------------
Silly Monkey Thought of the Day: I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
--------------------------
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her." (Jeez - picky picky picky!!! - Monkey)
-------------------------
I'd love to be in the meeting room when hotel restaurant management sets their prices for room service - they've gotta be just rolling on the floor laughing, almost rolling over their crack pipes in laughter:
"How much should we charge for this hamburger meal?"
"I say $11.00!" one will say.
And they all bust out laughing and jot down $11 and move to the next item. Fun fun isn't it you assholes. Yuck it up you bastards.
-------------------------
Speaking of hotels - my son is across the courtyard and I forgot my room key - "Hey! Do you have a key?" I yell out to him. He answers "No I just did awhile ago" (As if I would really ask him if he had to pee!)
-------------------------
I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
April the 13th, 2012
Today's blog is dedicated to Zamfir, MASTER of the pan flute. Only two very profound, deep thoughts today. (I put one out yesterday evening, however) Everyone have a great Easter weekend and I'll be back with you around Tuesday!
------------------------
I think if you were an astronaut on the shuttle and you were strapped in beside your partner on the pad ready for lift-off, and you had to fart really badly - it'd be best to wait until you heard Mission Control saying "..three..two...one..liftoff" and THEN let one rip because no one could hear it over the noise, and I don't think the other astronaut would smell anything because there'd be rocket fuel burning.
-------------------------
If I were a T-Rex and had those embarrassing short little stubby arms I'd make up something to make myself feel better - I'd tell the other dinosaurs "You know what they say...little hands...big dick!"
|
------------------------
I think if you were an astronaut on the shuttle and you were strapped in beside your partner on the pad ready for lift-off, and you had to fart really badly - it'd be best to wait until you heard Mission Control saying "..three..two...one..liftoff" and THEN let one rip because no one could hear it over the noise, and I don't think the other astronaut would smell anything because there'd be rocket fuel burning.
-------------------------
If I were a T-Rex and had those embarrassing short little stubby arms I'd make up something to make myself feel better - I'd tell the other dinosaurs "You know what they say...little hands...big dick!"
Today seems like April 12th, 1985
Today's blog is deciated to the original "supermodel" - Janice Dickerson
----------------------
How times have changed: In the old days, young, poor new mothers who didn't want their newborn babies would leave them on hospital door steps or on the porch of a wealthy person. Nowadays they leave them in dumpsters and trash cans.
----------------------
Things that make the Monkey smile: Outside of a warehouse near my house, there's a huge cardboard compactor that takes tons of cardboard and compresses it into giant squares - and on the gate of this machine the sign reads "DO NOT ENTER"
----------------------
I think if it would suck if instead of a Monkey who blogs I was a Chinese blogging monk who lived 1000 years ago; you had to use that stupid brush and ink bullshit and sit crosslegged and you were only allowed to put ONE word per page. (Not to mention there was always some old bald and blind monk walking around with a wooden stick whacking people in the back. I hate that guy)
-----------------------
No matter how far out in the country you move to get away from "Suburban Sprawl" you'll probably STILL see a blue plastic Wal*Mart shopping bag stuck on a barbed-wire fence. Sigh.
-----------------------
Monkey Hobby: I like to stand for 37.9 minutes in the exchange/refund line of department stores just to ask them where the bathroom is.
-----------------------
Monkey Childhood Lies: My mother told us when we were growing up that the shitty crime-ridden drug-infested places we lived were "apartment complexes" - but now that I'm grown and watch TV I know they were really PROJECTS.
-----------------------
Things were simpler in the old west days in America. You could simply toss ONE coin on the bar and say "whiskey" and the bartender didn't ask you complicated questions - there was ONE kind of whiskey and you got a shot of it for that coin. Also you didn't have to drive around town drunk looking for whores - you didn't even have to leave the bar - they were all right upstairs.
|
----------------------
How times have changed: In the old days, young, poor new mothers who didn't want their newborn babies would leave them on hospital door steps or on the porch of a wealthy person. Nowadays they leave them in dumpsters and trash cans.
----------------------
Things that make the Monkey smile: Outside of a warehouse near my house, there's a huge cardboard compactor that takes tons of cardboard and compresses it into giant squares - and on the gate of this machine the sign reads "DO NOT ENTER"
----------------------
I think if it would suck if instead of a Monkey who blogs I was a Chinese blogging monk who lived 1000 years ago; you had to use that stupid brush and ink bullshit and sit crosslegged and you were only allowed to put ONE word per page. (Not to mention there was always some old bald and blind monk walking around with a wooden stick whacking people in the back. I hate that guy)
-----------------------
No matter how far out in the country you move to get away from "Suburban Sprawl" you'll probably STILL see a blue plastic Wal*Mart shopping bag stuck on a barbed-wire fence. Sigh.
-----------------------
Monkey Hobby: I like to stand for 37.9 minutes in the exchange/refund line of department stores just to ask them where the bathroom is.
-----------------------
Monkey Childhood Lies: My mother told us when we were growing up that the shitty crime-ridden drug-infested places we lived were "apartment complexes" - but now that I'm grown and watch TV I know they were really PROJECTS.
-----------------------
Things were simpler in the old west days in America. You could simply toss ONE coin on the bar and say "whiskey" and the bartender didn't ask you complicated questions - there was ONE kind of whiskey and you got a shot of it for that coin. Also you didn't have to drive around town drunk looking for whores - you didn't even have to leave the bar - they were all right upstairs.
April 11th, 2012
Today's blog is dedicated to anyone who has ever lost a child - that must really suck and I can't imagine the pain.
------------------
I think it would suck if you were a Blood but you had some sort of weird hand deformity and every time you flashed the Blood gang sign in the hood to your gang-bangin' homeys it looked WAY too much like the Crip sign.
------------------
Remember when you used to get a new phone book in the mail like maybe once or twice a year!? Now it seems every two months I get a new phone book and I'm too ignorant to know which one is the most useful or current so I have a whole shelf full of phone books! Arrghh!
------------------
Real Life vs. Porn - by Monkey. In REAL life if you accidentally shoot cum in your lady's eye or nose you're gonna hear about it you fuckin' asshole! She'll be walking around with one bloodshot eye and bitching up a storm for hours!
------------------
If I were to commit suicide I'd make it interesting for my family and the media by leaving behind a mysterious cryptic suicide "made for TV" note. Something like "Edgar Dante...Alaska...money" This would give people years worth of speculating and mystery and keep folks entertained.
------------------
Don't you hate it when you're on the escalator in the mall and you're right behind/below a very hot young 19 year old with a beautiful ass and you can see her thong at the top of her tight jeans and you're enjoying yourself and getting hard when that fuckin' escalator ends and you trip and almost fall and everyone looks and laughs?
-------------------
How things change: When you're a kid you can sure be proud of your Boy Scout Merit Badges but shit man try wearing some of them to work when you're 41 years old and they LAUGH at you!? What gives?
|
------------------
I think it would suck if you were a Blood but you had some sort of weird hand deformity and every time you flashed the Blood gang sign in the hood to your gang-bangin' homeys it looked WAY too much like the Crip sign.
------------------
Remember when you used to get a new phone book in the mail like maybe once or twice a year!? Now it seems every two months I get a new phone book and I'm too ignorant to know which one is the most useful or current so I have a whole shelf full of phone books! Arrghh!
------------------
Real Life vs. Porn - by Monkey. In REAL life if you accidentally shoot cum in your lady's eye or nose you're gonna hear about it you fuckin' asshole! She'll be walking around with one bloodshot eye and bitching up a storm for hours!
------------------
If I were to commit suicide I'd make it interesting for my family and the media by leaving behind a mysterious cryptic suicide "made for TV" note. Something like "Edgar Dante...Alaska...money" This would give people years worth of speculating and mystery and keep folks entertained.
------------------
Don't you hate it when you're on the escalator in the mall and you're right behind/below a very hot young 19 year old with a beautiful ass and you can see her thong at the top of her tight jeans and you're enjoying yourself and getting hard when that fuckin' escalator ends and you trip and almost fall and everyone looks and laughs?
-------------------
How things change: When you're a kid you can sure be proud of your Boy Scout Merit Badges but shit man try wearing some of them to work when you're 41 years old and they LAUGH at you!? What gives?
April 10th, 2009
Today's blog is dedicated to Marilyn Monroe. (Yep - again)
-----------------
I think it’d be cool if there was a guy named Michael Check Jr. – because when I saw him with his father I’d say “Mike Check, one, two. Mike Check”
-----------------
(Okay this can only get better)
-----------------
When the hotel says “You can just leave the key in your room when you check out”, I like to hide the key somewhere in the room. I guess I’m an asshole, but hey it’s a good way to test the housekeepers.
-----------------
If you carry a pocket protector in your shirt with all your pens you’re a geek, but what if you also carry in there a little “travel size” bottle of Astro-Glide™ with your pens? Would the girls in the break room stop laughing at you then or would they laugh at you more?
-----------------
If I were a construction worker or a roofer, I’d teach myself to go down ladders headfirst. This would immediately earn me admiration at almost any job site I was working on, and before long my cool construction worker nickname would be “Spider”
-----------------
Monkey Childhood Fantasy: I’m Shaggy in the Scooby Doo van and I’m finally alone with Daphne and I take her to the back of the van, set her pretty ass down on the wheel well and hike up her fuck-me mini-skirt – she’s got no panties on and a nicely trimmed hot wet beaver is in my face and I devour her pussy for two hours straight while she grips my shaggy hair and comes over and over again. (I was 11 when this was my fantasy)
-----------------
Signs you grew up poor white trash: You can remember ONE of your redneck racist stepfathers had a sawed-off table leg behind the seat of his pick-up truck and he proudly called it a “Nigger Knocker”
-----------------
If I were a gangsta gang-banger and they sent me out to do a drive-by shooting out in the hood I’d be terrible at it because I’m not real good with directions – and are the odd-numbered house numbers on the left side of the street or is that the even-numbered?!
-----------------
Doesn’t it suck when you’re a kid and your brother and you share a bunk bed and one night you’re jacking off up there in bed in the top bunk and you accidentally shake the bed when you come – that means the next morning at breakfast you have to fake an epileptic seizure so your brother won’t think you were waxing the dolphin last night?
|
-----------------
I think it’d be cool if there was a guy named Michael Check Jr. – because when I saw him with his father I’d say “Mike Check, one, two. Mike Check”
-----------------
(Okay this can only get better)
-----------------
When the hotel says “You can just leave the key in your room when you check out”, I like to hide the key somewhere in the room. I guess I’m an asshole, but hey it’s a good way to test the housekeepers.
-----------------
If you carry a pocket protector in your shirt with all your pens you’re a geek, but what if you also carry in there a little “travel size” bottle of Astro-Glide™ with your pens? Would the girls in the break room stop laughing at you then or would they laugh at you more?
-----------------
If I were a construction worker or a roofer, I’d teach myself to go down ladders headfirst. This would immediately earn me admiration at almost any job site I was working on, and before long my cool construction worker nickname would be “Spider”
-----------------
Monkey Childhood Fantasy: I’m Shaggy in the Scooby Doo van and I’m finally alone with Daphne and I take her to the back of the van, set her pretty ass down on the wheel well and hike up her fuck-me mini-skirt – she’s got no panties on and a nicely trimmed hot wet beaver is in my face and I devour her pussy for two hours straight while she grips my shaggy hair and comes over and over again. (I was 11 when this was my fantasy)
-----------------
Signs you grew up poor white trash: You can remember ONE of your redneck racist stepfathers had a sawed-off table leg behind the seat of his pick-up truck and he proudly called it a “Nigger Knocker”
-----------------
If I were a gangsta gang-banger and they sent me out to do a drive-by shooting out in the hood I’d be terrible at it because I’m not real good with directions – and are the odd-numbered house numbers on the left side of the street or is that the even-numbered?!
-----------------
Doesn’t it suck when you’re a kid and your brother and you share a bunk bed and one night you’re jacking off up there in bed in the top bunk and you accidentally shake the bed when you come – that means the next morning at breakfast you have to fake an epileptic seizure so your brother won’t think you were waxing the dolphin last night?
April 6, 2012
Today’s blog is dedicated to that dead gopher I saw today on the side of the road. Still super busy with work but next week I’ll be back to you – only have ONE new item today and the rest of repeats – but how many of you even know which are repeats?!
----------------
Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.
----------------
I think deer and moose probably spend a lot of time wondering – “Why do I have tree limbs growing out of my head!?”
----------------
"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson 1971) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please someone put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens, I've got to know!
----------------
If I were a jellyfish I would learn to walk - to hold my breath and actually leave the ocean - and then I would walk up and down the beach - trying to hug people and watching them run away from me.
----------------
Monkey Quote of the Day: "You guys who have little ones and lie about it and claim to have big ones make things bad on us guys who really DO have big ones - for we with big ones don't NEED to brag in the first place but if we ever DID want to brag you little ones men have already messed things up for us big ones men."
----------------
Remember when we were kids and a "firewall" was part of a car?
----------------
I saw a sign in restaurant bathroom the other day "Employees must wash hand before returning to work" (it never said which hand - but just one of them is good enough I guess)
----------------
Montana has never been a big slave state I'm proud to say - did you know that to this day, along our highways you can still see signs that say "CHAIN REMOVAL AREA AHEAD" Montana didn't play that slavery thing.
----------------
Note to self: Firefighters fail to see the humor in calling them to your house after you ate that chili and reporting that your ass is on fire.
|
----------------
Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.
----------------
I think deer and moose probably spend a lot of time wondering – “Why do I have tree limbs growing out of my head!?”
----------------
"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson 1971) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please someone put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens, I've got to know!
----------------
If I were a jellyfish I would learn to walk - to hold my breath and actually leave the ocean - and then I would walk up and down the beach - trying to hug people and watching them run away from me.
----------------
Monkey Quote of the Day: "You guys who have little ones and lie about it and claim to have big ones make things bad on us guys who really DO have big ones - for we with big ones don't NEED to brag in the first place but if we ever DID want to brag you little ones men have already messed things up for us big ones men."
----------------
Remember when we were kids and a "firewall" was part of a car?
----------------
I saw a sign in restaurant bathroom the other day "Employees must wash hand before returning to work" (it never said which hand - but just one of them is good enough I guess)
----------------
Montana has never been a big slave state I'm proud to say - did you know that to this day, along our highways you can still see signs that say "CHAIN REMOVAL AREA AHEAD" Montana didn't play that slavery thing.
----------------
Note to self: Firefighters fail to see the humor in calling them to your house after you ate that chili and reporting that your ass is on fire.
They call today April 4th, 2006
Today’s blog is dedicated to all the chickens in China. Work’s been kicking my ass and keeping me too busy but I’ve not forgotten you guys. Today’s just some of my favorites to let you know the Monkey lives.
-------------------
I know a lady who's addicted to playing Kino - she lives for it - I'm thinking she may need Kino-Therapy to get over this. (Okay don't leave yet - it'll get better...I hope)
-------------------
Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
-------------------
"Chlamydia" has a nice, pretty, feminine sound to it, like a flower almost, but you rarely meet any girls with this name - I don't understand.
-------------------
If I wore a pacemaker, whenever I saw a microwave oven in a public place, I would charge it and kick it and push it over. Hey...kill or be killed, right?!
-------------------
If I worked at a drive-thru on the intercom I'd tell people to "Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me.
-------------------
Dairy Queen has a pretty good drink called the "MooLatte". If you pull into the DQ drive-through and ask for a "Mulatto" they don't even notice. The monkey finds this funny.
-------------------
If I lived in Texas when it came time to do laundry I'd call everyone into the laundry room and we'd play "Texas Fold 'Em".
-------------------
Another version of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight":
It's late in the evening
She's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make up
And brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright
And I say well, you look sorted of bloated tonight - are you raggin'?
-------------------
If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
|
-------------------
I know a lady who's addicted to playing Kino - she lives for it - I'm thinking she may need Kino-Therapy to get over this. (Okay don't leave yet - it'll get better...I hope)
-------------------
Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
-------------------
"Chlamydia" has a nice, pretty, feminine sound to it, like a flower almost, but you rarely meet any girls with this name - I don't understand.
-------------------
If I wore a pacemaker, whenever I saw a microwave oven in a public place, I would charge it and kick it and push it over. Hey...kill or be killed, right?!
-------------------
If I worked at a drive-thru on the intercom I'd tell people to "Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me.
-------------------
Dairy Queen has a pretty good drink called the "MooLatte". If you pull into the DQ drive-through and ask for a "Mulatto" they don't even notice. The monkey finds this funny.
-------------------
If I lived in Texas when it came time to do laundry I'd call everyone into the laundry room and we'd play "Texas Fold 'Em".
-------------------
Another version of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight":
It's late in the evening
She's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make up
And brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright
And I say well, you look sorted of bloated tonight - are you raggin'?
-------------------
If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
