The
Monkey CageThursday the 30th
Today’s blog is dedicated to the grocery store “Piggly Wiggly” – when I grew up that’s where everyone shopped – and I moved away but over the years when I go back home I see “the Pig” (as we called it) – and I know I’m home again.
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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I miss that old screensaver from “back in the day” – where the guy is on the riding lawnmower perpetually cutting grass, back and forth, back and forth, I’d watch him for hours just to see if he’d ever said “Fuck THIS shit yo!”, shut down his lawnmower and headed to the house for a cold beer. He NEVER did – even when I set the “Grass Growth” setting to the highest!
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When it’s storming really badly outside, with lightening and everything, I’ll fall down to my knees, look up, and yell “I DARE you to strike me dead God!!!” (But I wouldn’t dare go outside in the rain to do this – that’d be pushing my luck
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In the old 1950’s sitcoms, the parents would just loudly say a kid’s name and within 1.311 of a second the kid would come JOYFULLY running down the stairs – “Yes Mom/Dad?” they’d say. I don’t know what kind of weed those kids were smoking back then but I’m pretty sure it’s not the same stuff my kids smoke.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: “Sheep Counter” (PG-17) – Monkey Studios, Inc. presents the touching story of a lone sheep herder (Mel Gibson) who falls asleep every time he has to count his sheep – and when he wakes up, every fuckin’ time the sheep have scattered! (3 hrs, 05 min Graphic Violence, extreme sexual situations, strong language, simulated bestiality, nudity)
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Another thing about the ‘50’s – back then if men were beating their wives they knew you HAD to wear one of those dingy wife-beater tee-shirts. Men have lost something since those days I think – these days on COPS all the wife beaters don’t even wear a shirt!
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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I miss that old screensaver from “back in the day” – where the guy is on the riding lawnmower perpetually cutting grass, back and forth, back and forth, I’d watch him for hours just to see if he’d ever said “Fuck THIS shit yo!”, shut down his lawnmower and headed to the house for a cold beer. He NEVER did – even when I set the “Grass Growth” setting to the highest!
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When it’s storming really badly outside, with lightening and everything, I’ll fall down to my knees, look up, and yell “I DARE you to strike me dead God!!!” (But I wouldn’t dare go outside in the rain to do this – that’d be pushing my luck
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In the old 1950’s sitcoms, the parents would just loudly say a kid’s name and within 1.311 of a second the kid would come JOYFULLY running down the stairs – “Yes Mom/Dad?” they’d say. I don’t know what kind of weed those kids were smoking back then but I’m pretty sure it’s not the same stuff my kids smoke.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: “Sheep Counter” (PG-17) – Monkey Studios, Inc. presents the touching story of a lone sheep herder (Mel Gibson) who falls asleep every time he has to count his sheep – and when he wakes up, every fuckin’ time the sheep have scattered! (3 hrs, 05 min Graphic Violence, extreme sexual situations, strong language, simulated bestiality, nudity)
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Another thing about the ‘50’s – back then if men were beating their wives they knew you HAD to wear one of those dingy wife-beater tee-shirts. Men have lost something since those days I think – these days on COPS all the wife beaters don’t even wear a shirt!
March 28th or some shit...
Today’s blog is dedicated to that French lady on Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s the Night” song. Damn ANY lady purring like that in French...wow. (Trivia: That was Swedish actress Britt Ekland) Lots of repeats today – sorry – work, sleep, and drinking have prevented me from writing much new material.
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“Crew 1! Banks! Rollands! Nigga!” That’s what was written on the bathroom wall over the urinal in a bar last night – I don’t know what it MEANS – but I can’t stop saying it! Crew 1! Banks! Rollands! Nigga! Try it out! Say it!
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My grandmother was always allowed to go around the house farting and it was excused because she'd say "Goodness! This medication!" (But when I try it in my house and add "Goodness! This beer!" - it's not acceptable. I don't get it.)
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Monkey Studios Inc. Future Movie Idea of the Day: We're currently filming a new movie about a young married black couple who have a problem: the lady can't shake the urge to have sex with a white guy - and the husband's not diggin' this idea at all! Her name is Polly and this is the story of her quest for some white lovin'. We're calling this one "Polly Want A Cracker" and it's to be released next November.
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I want to meet the brilliant guy at the dog food company who decided to put coupons IN the 50 lb bag of dog food. Please bring him to me. Dead or alive. My dog is not amused by those coupons falling out in her dog bowl either, Mr. Smart Ass.
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Things the Monkey wonders about: I wonder - where are "the tubes" - we're always told that someone or something is "going down the tubes" - but I have YET to see ANY tubes out there. Can someone please locate these mysterious "tubes" for me?
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I think if you were an alien and came down to Earth one night to do cattle mutilations the other aliens would get upset with you if you instead cut off pieces of the meat, took it back to the UFO, cured it, and started making beef jerky and giving it away back on your alien planet to friends and family. That's for scientific experiments fool!
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I think if you got caught looking at hardcore porn by your boss and you said you were "looking for ways to fuck our competition" that the boss wouldn't believe you.
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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“Crew 1! Banks! Rollands! Nigga!” That’s what was written on the bathroom wall over the urinal in a bar last night – I don’t know what it MEANS – but I can’t stop saying it! Crew 1! Banks! Rollands! Nigga! Try it out! Say it!
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My grandmother was always allowed to go around the house farting and it was excused because she'd say "Goodness! This medication!" (But when I try it in my house and add "Goodness! This beer!" - it's not acceptable. I don't get it.)
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Monkey Studios Inc. Future Movie Idea of the Day: We're currently filming a new movie about a young married black couple who have a problem: the lady can't shake the urge to have sex with a white guy - and the husband's not diggin' this idea at all! Her name is Polly and this is the story of her quest for some white lovin'. We're calling this one "Polly Want A Cracker" and it's to be released next November.
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I want to meet the brilliant guy at the dog food company who decided to put coupons IN the 50 lb bag of dog food. Please bring him to me. Dead or alive. My dog is not amused by those coupons falling out in her dog bowl either, Mr. Smart Ass.
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Things the Monkey wonders about: I wonder - where are "the tubes" - we're always told that someone or something is "going down the tubes" - but I have YET to see ANY tubes out there. Can someone please locate these mysterious "tubes" for me?
-------------------
I think if you were an alien and came down to Earth one night to do cattle mutilations the other aliens would get upset with you if you instead cut off pieces of the meat, took it back to the UFO, cured it, and started making beef jerky and giving it away back on your alien planet to friends and family. That's for scientific experiments fool!
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I think if you got caught looking at hardcore porn by your boss and you said you were "looking for ways to fuck our competition" that the boss wouldn't believe you.
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
March 27th, 2009
Today’s blog is dedicated to my friend with the blue ear tag “4141” – here in Montana calves (“baby cows” to you city slickers) are being born left and right – and the little things get under the fence wire and into the streets sometimes. I put “4141” back under the fence with it’s mother yesterday – and promised a blog dedication.
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A lot of people don’t care for Manatees – but I say give them their props.
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I know a guy who rolls up carpet for a living, he also rolls his own cigarettes, and he can roll a mean joint – I guess that’s just how he rolls.
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When I was a kid we had high aspirations; why there was “BJ & The Bear”, “Moving On”, “Convoy”, “Smokey & The Bandit”, etc….ahhh, the trucking life is for me good buddy.
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Things the monkey wonders about: When I was a poor white trash cracker boy growing up down south I’d run around in K-Mart barefoot – why did that always make the bottom of my feet turn completely black!?
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: That fucker that invented the three-pronged electrical cord – fuck off with that shit will ya?!
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If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course really I’d be ready to get up and pray – but it’d be a good way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.
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A lot of people don’t care for Manatees – but I say give them their props.
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I know a guy who rolls up carpet for a living, he also rolls his own cigarettes, and he can roll a mean joint – I guess that’s just how he rolls.
---------------------
When I was a kid we had high aspirations; why there was “BJ & The Bear”, “Moving On”, “Convoy”, “Smokey & The Bandit”, etc….ahhh, the trucking life is for me good buddy.
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Things the monkey wonders about: When I was a poor white trash cracker boy growing up down south I’d run around in K-Mart barefoot – why did that always make the bottom of my feet turn completely black!?
----------------------
People who need to be pimp-slapped: That fucker that invented the three-pronged electrical cord – fuck off with that shit will ya?!
----------------------
If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course really I’d be ready to get up and pray – but it’d be a good way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.
Weekend Monkey Thoughts
Today’s weekend blog is dedicated to the memory of Jimi Hendrix – to this day you blow people’s minds. Today’s blog: half new, half oldies!
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I was in a restaurant today, and went to the bathroom - I was about to wash my hands when I saw a sign above the sink: "Employees Must Wash Hands" - so I waited, and waited - no employee showed up - what a rip off - I had to wash my own hands.
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Monkey Future Prediction: (I know, what OTHER kind of prediction IS there!?) In the year 2008, people finally have had enough of cheap CD jewel cases that break so easily and a company in Waltzburg, Mississippi will make a fortune with a new unbreakable CD case. * In the year 2019, an Arizona woman will give birth to twins – a boy and a girl – and doctors are amazed to find the otherwise healthy girl twin is pregnant!
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Things that suck: You hook up with an old friend you’ve not seen in years – meet up again to party, and find they’re “born again”.
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If you were a chicken leg and someone was rolling you in flour to fry you, and it tickled, you could say you were ROFL (Rolling on the Flour Laughing)
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Okay that was just stupid
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Monkey's favorite inspirational quote: "Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day - set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life"
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a caveman, and you were the local inventor - and all the other cavemen are pressuring you to invent the wheel, but instead you invented a Cisco 1700 Series modular and fixed-configuration access router? The other caveman would be scratching their heads and saying "Uhmmgh!...What the fuck is THIS!?!?"
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If I were a fire fighter and in a burning house, I think it would be a good time to go into the lady’s bedroom and snoop around in her panties – I’d try to sniff the ones in her dirty clothes but I’ll bet with all the smoke in there and my fire fighter’s mask I couldn’t smell much.
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I was in a restaurant today, and went to the bathroom - I was about to wash my hands when I saw a sign above the sink: "Employees Must Wash Hands" - so I waited, and waited - no employee showed up - what a rip off - I had to wash my own hands.
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Monkey Future Prediction: (I know, what OTHER kind of prediction IS there!?) In the year 2008, people finally have had enough of cheap CD jewel cases that break so easily and a company in Waltzburg, Mississippi will make a fortune with a new unbreakable CD case. * In the year 2019, an Arizona woman will give birth to twins – a boy and a girl – and doctors are amazed to find the otherwise healthy girl twin is pregnant!
------------------
Things that suck: You hook up with an old friend you’ve not seen in years – meet up again to party, and find they’re “born again”.
------------------
If you were a chicken leg and someone was rolling you in flour to fry you, and it tickled, you could say you were ROFL (Rolling on the Flour Laughing)
------------------
Okay that was just stupid
------------------
Monkey's favorite inspirational quote: "Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day - set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life"
------------------
Wouldn't it suck if you were a caveman, and you were the local inventor - and all the other cavemen are pressuring you to invent the wheel, but instead you invented a Cisco 1700 Series modular and fixed-configuration access router? The other caveman would be scratching their heads and saying "Uhmmgh!...What the fuck is THIS!?!?"
------------------
If I were a fire fighter and in a burning house, I think it would be a good time to go into the lady’s bedroom and snoop around in her panties – I’d try to sniff the ones in her dirty clothes but I’ll bet with all the smoke in there and my fire fighter’s mask I couldn’t smell much.
I'm not sure what the date is...
is one's dedicated to Stewie Griffin.
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I have to get this out of my system: ""One One" was a race horse, "One Two" was one too, One One won one race, and One Two won one too"
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Monkey Tip of the Day: If you're ever in a head-on collision, and your windshield is shattered because you went through it - while you're out there on the highway scoop up some of those little bits of windshield greenish square pieces of glass - they make GREAT aquarium gravel. (Warning: Do NOT use glass imbedded in your forehead as bodily fluids may be dangerous to your fish)
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Ice Maker" (MIM vb1.2) - tired of hearing the stupid ice maker in the kitchen "take a dump" in the middle of the night? Monkey Labs, Inc. has invented a "polite" ice maker - when the ice falls into the bucket below, sensors in the bucket actually play pre-recorded audio "Ooops - sorry - that was loud" - and "I apologize"
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The house that I grew up in to this day I'm sure still has about one-inch gashes in almost all the walls. Reason: Mom worked a lot of hours at her job and we kids were home alone a lot, and, well, one day at a flea market I paid $1.50 for a "Genuine Chinese Kung-Fu Throwing Star" and my brother Roger pissed me off.
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I'll bet the first "pocket pussy" ever made was back in cave-man days: you take the wing of a still warm but dead Terradactyl and cut out a piece of the wing web and sort of roll it into a sock-like deal, you then put some warm Ankylosaurus blood in there and on your cave-man cock, and have it cave man stud!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)
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I have to get this out of my system: ""One One" was a race horse, "One Two" was one too, One One won one race, and One Two won one too"
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Monkey Tip of the Day: If you're ever in a head-on collision, and your windshield is shattered because you went through it - while you're out there on the highway scoop up some of those little bits of windshield greenish square pieces of glass - they make GREAT aquarium gravel. (Warning: Do NOT use glass imbedded in your forehead as bodily fluids may be dangerous to your fish)
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Ice Maker" (MIM vb1.2) - tired of hearing the stupid ice maker in the kitchen "take a dump" in the middle of the night? Monkey Labs, Inc. has invented a "polite" ice maker - when the ice falls into the bucket below, sensors in the bucket actually play pre-recorded audio "Ooops - sorry - that was loud" - and "I apologize"
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The house that I grew up in to this day I'm sure still has about one-inch gashes in almost all the walls. Reason: Mom worked a lot of hours at her job and we kids were home alone a lot, and, well, one day at a flea market I paid $1.50 for a "Genuine Chinese Kung-Fu Throwing Star" and my brother Roger pissed me off.
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I'll bet the first "pocket pussy" ever made was back in cave-man days: you take the wing of a still warm but dead Terradactyl and cut out a piece of the wing web and sort of roll it into a sock-like deal, you then put some warm Ankylosaurus blood in there and on your cave-man cock, and have it cave man stud!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)
It's March 21, 2006
Today’s blog is not only very late, but it’s all repeats! I’m so sorry – work got me today and I had no time. Please don’t be mad…please don’t spank the Monkey!
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If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
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I hear white people say about someone: "He can kiss my white ass!" - and I hear blacks saying: "Kiss my black ass" - and some REALLY white people say "He can kiss my lilly-white ass" I'm wondering - if you're white, chances are PRETTY good you're going to have a white ass - and if you're black, the odds of you having a black ass are also pretty good. Why must we clarify our ass color when we tell someone to kiss it? Is it in case they kiss the wrong ass?
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Do male tigers wake up in the morning with tiger wood?
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Born On A Bayou" lyrics - Creedence Clearwater Revival: "And I can still hear my old hound dog barking, Chasing down a hoodoo there, Chasing down a hoodoo there"
My own dog would be totally lost if she had to chase down a hoodoo. As a matter of fact I'd be lost too because I wouldn't even know what a hoodoo looks like - do you?
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You know not to fold, spindle or mutilate - but if someone told you that you HAD to spindle something would you even know where to begin?
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "Life is like the dryer at the end of the automatic car wash: if you take it too slowly the thing will shut off before you're completely dry, but if you take it too fast you leave a lot behind"
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Sure they TELL YOU that they like someone who "can think on their feet" at interviews - that's what they SAY - but later they'll fire you for never being at your desk or at work.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "BED BOUND" (PG-17) - after a wild night of drinking and wild sex, a young woman named Jodi Yeknom awakes to find she is literally stuck to her bed with dried cum, dried vomit and dried up spilled beer. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll never forget this movie, based on a true story that occurred in North Dakota in 1992. (2 hrs, 3 min Graphic sex scenes, nudity, sodomy, strong language)
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If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
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I hear white people say about someone: "He can kiss my white ass!" - and I hear blacks saying: "Kiss my black ass" - and some REALLY white people say "He can kiss my lilly-white ass" I'm wondering - if you're white, chances are PRETTY good you're going to have a white ass - and if you're black, the odds of you having a black ass are also pretty good. Why must we clarify our ass color when we tell someone to kiss it? Is it in case they kiss the wrong ass?
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Do male tigers wake up in the morning with tiger wood?
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Born On A Bayou" lyrics - Creedence Clearwater Revival: "And I can still hear my old hound dog barking, Chasing down a hoodoo there, Chasing down a hoodoo there"
My own dog would be totally lost if she had to chase down a hoodoo. As a matter of fact I'd be lost too because I wouldn't even know what a hoodoo looks like - do you?
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You know not to fold, spindle or mutilate - but if someone told you that you HAD to spindle something would you even know where to begin?
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "Life is like the dryer at the end of the automatic car wash: if you take it too slowly the thing will shut off before you're completely dry, but if you take it too fast you leave a lot behind"
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Sure they TELL YOU that they like someone who "can think on their feet" at interviews - that's what they SAY - but later they'll fire you for never being at your desk or at work.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "BED BOUND" (PG-17) - after a wild night of drinking and wild sex, a young woman named Jodi Yeknom awakes to find she is literally stuck to her bed with dried cum, dried vomit and dried up spilled beer. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll never forget this movie, based on a true story that occurred in North Dakota in 1992. (2 hrs, 3 min Graphic sex scenes, nudity, sodomy, strong language)
March 20, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to the Memory of Don Knotts - I'll miss you Don - you sure did make the Monkey laugh. I've got a few oldies in here for the helluvit.
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Don't you hate it when you're in a loud bar with a band playing and your friend yells to you "My Mother died today!" - but you thought he said "Check out the hot young piece of ass in the red skirt shooting pool" and you say "Dude one night last week I took her home from here and fucked the living hell out of her all night long!"
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Things I've learned from watching cartoons: If you have an actual mouse hole in your wall, no matter how nice your house, NEVER board it up or repair it. And if you take a flashlight and peek in there, you'll find an actual little bed and furniture in there.
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Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
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As a kid I always thought it was cool the way they put the toothpaste on toothbrushes in commercials - they cover the entire brush and they put a cool little wavy swirl on the end....'till one day my Mom caught me doing this with the toothpaste and all hell broke loose ("Do you have ANY IDEA how much that stuff costs!?" etc. etc.
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Signs the Monkey is immature: When they have one of those "Your speed is.." gadgets along the road I purposely drive exactly 69 MPH just so everyone can see it, and then I giggle. (I just wish I'd known it was a school district!)
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I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?
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Don't you hate it when you're in a loud bar with a band playing and your friend yells to you "My Mother died today!" - but you thought he said "Check out the hot young piece of ass in the red skirt shooting pool" and you say "Dude one night last week I took her home from here and fucked the living hell out of her all night long!"
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Things I've learned from watching cartoons: If you have an actual mouse hole in your wall, no matter how nice your house, NEVER board it up or repair it. And if you take a flashlight and peek in there, you'll find an actual little bed and furniture in there.
------------------
Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
------------------
As a kid I always thought it was cool the way they put the toothpaste on toothbrushes in commercials - they cover the entire brush and they put a cool little wavy swirl on the end....'till one day my Mom caught me doing this with the toothpaste and all hell broke loose ("Do you have ANY IDEA how much that stuff costs!?" etc. etc.
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Signs the Monkey is immature: When they have one of those "Your speed is.." gadgets along the road I purposely drive exactly 69 MPH just so everyone can see it, and then I giggle. (I just wish I'd known it was a school district!)
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I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?
St. Patrick's Day, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to you fun Irish out there!
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They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair.
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Where I'm from, if you ask someone directions they always do the "You'll wanna.." thing, which makes the Monkey laugh. "You'll wanna continue south on 25 and then you'll wanna take the Larsen exit and there you'll wanna turn south..."
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When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
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(And that was home schooling)
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I think if you were an old west saloon piano player and a bad-ass gunslinger came into the saloon and everyone stopped what they were doing and it got quiet but you didn't notice and kept playing your piano you may get fired or at least get a stern talking-to by the saloon owner for not following old west saloon protocol.
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I think if you were an old west saloon piano player and a bad-ass gunslinger came into the saloon and everyone stopped what they were doing and it got quiet but you didn't notice and kept playing your piano you may get fired or at least get a stern talking-to by the saloon owner for not following old west saloon protocol.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: (I may have had this movie idea before but am too lazy to go back in the archives and see) "TREE HUGGER" (PG-17) - the touching story of Rick Owens, an Earth First activist who chains himself up to a tree to stop a logging operation. Watch as he climbs high in the tree, chains himself up, and tosses away the key. Watch as he waits for the press and his activist buddies to show up. The only problem: Rick never WAS any good at reading a map and finding his way around the woods and he's 216 miles from the actual logging operation. Watch in horror as woodland creatures take turns having their way with the activist. Watch as he dies - hugging a tree. (3 hrs, 17 min) Contains graphic violence, adult situations, bestiality, sodomy)
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I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.
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They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair.
---------------------
Where I'm from, if you ask someone directions they always do the "You'll wanna.." thing, which makes the Monkey laugh. "You'll wanna continue south on 25 and then you'll wanna take the Larsen exit and there you'll wanna turn south..."
---------------------
When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
---------------------
(And that was home schooling)
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I think if you were an old west saloon piano player and a bad-ass gunslinger came into the saloon and everyone stopped what they were doing and it got quiet but you didn't notice and kept playing your piano you may get fired or at least get a stern talking-to by the saloon owner for not following old west saloon protocol.
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I think if you were an old west saloon piano player and a bad-ass gunslinger came into the saloon and everyone stopped what they were doing and it got quiet but you didn't notice and kept playing your piano you may get fired or at least get a stern talking-to by the saloon owner for not following old west saloon protocol.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: (I may have had this movie idea before but am too lazy to go back in the archives and see) "TREE HUGGER" (PG-17) - the touching story of Rick Owens, an Earth First activist who chains himself up to a tree to stop a logging operation. Watch as he climbs high in the tree, chains himself up, and tosses away the key. Watch as he waits for the press and his activist buddies to show up. The only problem: Rick never WAS any good at reading a map and finding his way around the woods and he's 216 miles from the actual logging operation. Watch in horror as woodland creatures take turns having their way with the activist. Watch as he dies - hugging a tree. (3 hrs, 17 min) Contains graphic violence, adult situations, bestiality, sodomy)
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I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.
It's sometime in March
Today's blog - dedicated to Rosario Dawson.
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I think it would suck if you were having a seizure and out in the snow - everyone walking by would simply say "Ohh how cute, he's making a snow angel!" and walk on by. People are so cruel
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I've said it before and I'll say it again - all porn sites should change their URL ending to .CUM - that way it'd be easy to pick out the good stuff - and that way your wife/girlfriend/parents could say "You can play online for a bit - but I better not come in here and see any cum on that monitor!"
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If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
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I have a post office box and I've found it's easy just to push all that unwanted mail right back through the box onto the floor of the post office. (I think the only drawback to this is that a lot of those bills have my name on them.)
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I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous Christian Rock band and you were back stairs getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, and your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
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I'll bet it's embarrassing, but it happens, it' something most birds won't even talk about, but I'll bet it happens that the mother bird is sitting on her egg waiting for it to hatch and the chick decides to break out at that moment, and pushes its little beak up through the egg and it goes right up the mother bird's ass. Perhaps for some mother birds it felt pretty good, but that's not something they would ever, EVER admit to.
|
-----------------------
I think it would suck if you were having a seizure and out in the snow - everyone walking by would simply say "Ohh how cute, he's making a snow angel!" and walk on by. People are so cruel
-----------------------
I've said it before and I'll say it again - all porn sites should change their URL ending to .CUM - that way it'd be easy to pick out the good stuff - and that way your wife/girlfriend/parents could say "You can play online for a bit - but I better not come in here and see any cum on that monitor!"
---------------------
If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
----------------------
I have a post office box and I've found it's easy just to push all that unwanted mail right back through the box onto the floor of the post office. (I think the only drawback to this is that a lot of those bills have my name on them.)
----------------------
I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous Christian Rock band and you were back stairs getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, and your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
----------------------
I'll bet it's embarrassing, but it happens, it' something most birds won't even talk about, but I'll bet it happens that the mother bird is sitting on her egg waiting for it to hatch and the chick decides to break out at that moment, and pushes its little beak up through the egg and it goes right up the mother bird's ass. Perhaps for some mother birds it felt pretty good, but that's not something they would ever, EVER admit to.
Today's blog is dedicated to my new little friends I got today - two Albino Clawed Frogs; "Jäger" and "Marilyn" - so far, they love their new Daddy.
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I can't help but hope that somewhere out there in this wide world, there is an actual occupation where a guy dives down in the ocean to retrieve people's ear muffs that have fallen off their heads. And they proudly call themselves: "The ear MUFF DIVERS" - and they drive around in a van with a sign: "Muff Divers, Inc."
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If years ago you worked in an asbestos factory during the day, and at night in a factory making lead paint, and you smoked but quit to get a silicon breast implant, and then you went on phen-phen - if you got cancer - who would you sue?
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That Big Buckin' Chicken commercial by Burger King: Classic.
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If there's one thing the Monkey's learned from the movies, it's that if you need to sneak into a building or office, for fuck's sake DO NOT get the brilliant idea of crawling through the ventilation shaft - you KNOW it's gonna give way and you're gonna fall on your ass!
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Things the Monkey wonders about: When they strap you down in the death chamber to do those lethal injections - do they do a little demo of how to work the seat belt apparatus on the straps? A lot of those guys on death row haven't flown probably in years and don't know how to work those!
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I can't help but hope that somewhere out there in this wide world, there is an actual occupation where a guy dives down in the ocean to retrieve people's ear muffs that have fallen off their heads. And they proudly call themselves: "The ear MUFF DIVERS" - and they drive around in a van with a sign: "Muff Divers, Inc."
------------------------------
If years ago you worked in an asbestos factory during the day, and at night in a factory making lead paint, and you smoked but quit to get a silicon breast implant, and then you went on phen-phen - if you got cancer - who would you sue?
------------------------------
That Big Buckin' Chicken commercial by Burger King: Classic.
----------------------------
If there's one thing the Monkey's learned from the movies, it's that if you need to sneak into a building or office, for fuck's sake DO NOT get the brilliant idea of crawling through the ventilation shaft - you KNOW it's gonna give way and you're gonna fall on your ass!
-----------------------------
Things the Monkey wonders about: When they strap you down in the death chamber to do those lethal injections - do they do a little demo of how to work the seat belt apparatus on the straps? A lot of those guys on death row haven't flown probably in years and don't know how to work those!
Monday, March 13th
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of all those people killed by vending machines falling on them because they were rocking it because the bag got stuck and wouldn't fall. They make the Monkey laugh - they actually traded their lives for D4: the Fritos Flavor Twist Honey BBQ (The big bag - 65 cents) Hey that Monkey has sprinkled today's blog with older stuff! The bastard!
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "INK SPOT" (R) The touching, true rags to riches story of Frank Davis - a man who started a T-shirt craze - a T-shirt with a pocket that has a fake ink stain, as if a ball-point pen leaked. People at first love it, and Frank makes millions. But the bottom falls out quickly as people realize that more than a few people have the shirt and therefore it's not funny any more. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same again. (2 hrs, 05 min. (Violence, sodomy, extreme sexual content, eye-gouging, invasive medical scenes)
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Difference between men and women:
(Scene: Woman notices a lump on her breast while in the shower - 47 seconds later on the phone) "Hey Barb how are ya?...good, good...hey does Dr. Emerson have any appointments this morning?.....okay...yeah...sure...great I'll see you then thanks Barb"
(Scene: Man notices a lump on his favorite testicle while he's scratching his balls one day) Two weeks later: "If this thing gets any bigger than a marble I'm going to the doctor" Four months later: "If this thing gets any bigger than a golf ball I'm goin' in"
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Remember in the old days when the picture on the TV went screwy you could slap the shit out of the side of the TV and fix it. Now you only look ignorant doing that - you can't reach that satelite buddy!
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Monkey Quote of the Day "The best thing about being a FedEx guy is that everywhere you go women are checking out your package."
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day (2): "Bi-Polar" (PG-17) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your glaucoma medicine, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your pot and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?"
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
------------------------------
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "INK SPOT" (R) The touching, true rags to riches story of Frank Davis - a man who started a T-shirt craze - a T-shirt with a pocket that has a fake ink stain, as if a ball-point pen leaked. People at first love it, and Frank makes millions. But the bottom falls out quickly as people realize that more than a few people have the shirt and therefore it's not funny any more. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same again. (2 hrs, 05 min. (Violence, sodomy, extreme sexual content, eye-gouging, invasive medical scenes)
-------------------------------
Difference between men and women:
(Scene: Woman notices a lump on her breast while in the shower - 47 seconds later on the phone) "Hey Barb how are ya?...good, good...hey does Dr. Emerson have any appointments this morning?.....okay...yeah...sure...great I'll see you then thanks Barb"
(Scene: Man notices a lump on his favorite testicle while he's scratching his balls one day) Two weeks later: "If this thing gets any bigger than a marble I'm going to the doctor" Four months later: "If this thing gets any bigger than a golf ball I'm goin' in"
------------------------------
Remember in the old days when the picture on the TV went screwy you could slap the shit out of the side of the TV and fix it. Now you only look ignorant doing that - you can't reach that satelite buddy!
------------------------------
Monkey Quote of the Day "The best thing about being a FedEx guy is that everywhere you go women are checking out your package."
------------------------------
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day (2): "Bi-Polar" (PG-17) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
------------------------------
If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your glaucoma medicine, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your pot and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?"
Sunday Weekend Edition
Today’s little weekend edition blog is dedicated to Sly & The Family Stone. Remember them? They could lay down some nice tracks back in the day. I understand that Sly is pretty much a drooling vegetable after too many drugs
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!
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The Samual Adams Beer factory workers – are any of you guys NOT drinking the stuff as you make it? I gotta send in an application!
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If I worked at Wal*Mart and that stupid exit door alarm went off (like it does about every 37 seconds), I’d have some fun with the customers – when someone leaving set that alarm off I’d run over, throw them on the ground and jam the muzzle of a .357 Magnum into the side of their head. “Show me the fuckin’ receipt NOW asshole!!!” I’d yell. Sure it would upset some customers and maybe some children but once I let on that I was just messing around I think they’d have a good laugh over it.
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After (finally) seeing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I saw my cowboy buddy over there in that nice warm tent and I was cold and drunk, I’d have gone back down the valley and grabbed up one of those nice little sexy, hot, plump sheep with the big beautiful eyes and bedded down for the night. (With my Velcro gloves on, of course)
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My grandparents weren’t exactly the most politically correct couple in the world. On long trips us kids in the back seat (with no seat belts) would pass up garbage to them just so they’d roll down “the glass” and toss it out along the highway. We did this not because we hated the environment – but because Grandma chain smoked Pall Malls and it was the only way we could get some air!
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!
---------------------
The Samual Adams Beer factory workers – are any of you guys NOT drinking the stuff as you make it? I gotta send in an application!
---------------------
If I worked at Wal*Mart and that stupid exit door alarm went off (like it does about every 37 seconds), I’d have some fun with the customers – when someone leaving set that alarm off I’d run over, throw them on the ground and jam the muzzle of a .357 Magnum into the side of their head. “Show me the fuckin’ receipt NOW asshole!!!” I’d yell. Sure it would upset some customers and maybe some children but once I let on that I was just messing around I think they’d have a good laugh over it.
---------------------
After (finally) seeing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I saw my cowboy buddy over there in that nice warm tent and I was cold and drunk, I’d have gone back down the valley and grabbed up one of those nice little sexy, hot, plump sheep with the big beautiful eyes and bedded down for the night. (With my Velcro gloves on, of course)
---------------------
My grandparents weren’t exactly the most politically correct couple in the world. On long trips us kids in the back seat (with no seat belts) would pass up garbage to them just so they’d roll down “the glass” and toss it out along the highway. We did this not because we hated the environment – but because Grandma chain smoked Pall Malls and it was the only way we could get some air!
Friday the 10th of March, 1874
Today’s blog is dedicated the memory of Colonel Harland David Sanders (1890-1980), founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Thanks Colonel! Today’s blog is mostly some of my favorite “classics”.
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The Monkey loves those convenient store names – “Mite-T-Qwik”, “Dash In, Dash Out”, “Kum & Go”, etc. I’m going to open a little battery store where I’ll sell batteries of all sorts for cheap – and I’m going to name it “Volt & Bolt”
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Would the bank be upset if I rented out a safety deposit box to store a really cool dog turd I found the other day?
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The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
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The Monkey stays up late at night wondering about things like...if you drink lots of water, (like the Monkey does) would it be okay to just pee on the house plants instead of watering them?
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Monkey Poetry:
Oh what a tangled slinky we weave
When we bring it out with friends on weed
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I'm thinking if you robbing a bank vault back in the day, if you were the expert safe-cracker guy and you had your visor on and your stethoscope out listening for the tumblers, I'm thinking if you fell asleep with your head against the safe and your thief buddies behind you didn't know it, you'd be in a heap of trouble when they finally realized you HAD fallen asleep. And I also think that YOUR cut of the loot in the safe might be reduced because of this sleeping on-the-job BULLSHIT that's been going on for TOO long now. There ARE younger, more ALERT expert-safe-crackers out there ya know, and they do it with computers too buddy so wake the fuck up!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I've mastered the technique of the ass-pen cannon. I lube up a pen and stick it in my ass and can shoot it out about 3 meters. I have even made little dents in the walls from my ass's powerful shooting force. I'm afraid that someday the military may abduct me and turn me into a weapon of mass destruction. I am a male."
----------------------------
The other day I started thinking about some of the good sex I've been lucky enough to have had, and I started getting hard and fired up. The next thing I know, I've got it out and am stroking it good. That is until the bitch librarian came over and screwed it all up “Sir this is a PUBLIC library I’m calling the cops”. Bitch.
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The Monkey loves those convenient store names – “Mite-T-Qwik”, “Dash In, Dash Out”, “Kum & Go”, etc. I’m going to open a little battery store where I’ll sell batteries of all sorts for cheap – and I’m going to name it “Volt & Bolt”
-------------------------
Would the bank be upset if I rented out a safety deposit box to store a really cool dog turd I found the other day?
--------------------------
The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
---------------------------
The Monkey stays up late at night wondering about things like...if you drink lots of water, (like the Monkey does) would it be okay to just pee on the house plants instead of watering them?
---------------------------
Monkey Poetry:
Oh what a tangled slinky we weave
When we bring it out with friends on weed
--------------------------
I'm thinking if you robbing a bank vault back in the day, if you were the expert safe-cracker guy and you had your visor on and your stethoscope out listening for the tumblers, I'm thinking if you fell asleep with your head against the safe and your thief buddies behind you didn't know it, you'd be in a heap of trouble when they finally realized you HAD fallen asleep. And I also think that YOUR cut of the loot in the safe might be reduced because of this sleeping on-the-job BULLSHIT that's been going on for TOO long now. There ARE younger, more ALERT expert-safe-crackers out there ya know, and they do it with computers too buddy so wake the fuck up!
---------------------------
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I've mastered the technique of the ass-pen cannon. I lube up a pen and stick it in my ass and can shoot it out about 3 meters. I have even made little dents in the walls from my ass's powerful shooting force. I'm afraid that someday the military may abduct me and turn me into a weapon of mass destruction. I am a male."
----------------------------
The other day I started thinking about some of the good sex I've been lucky enough to have had, and I started getting hard and fired up. The next thing I know, I've got it out and am stroking it good. That is until the bitch librarian came over and screwed it all up “Sir this is a PUBLIC library I’m calling the cops”. Bitch.
Today seems like March 9th, 2006
Todays' blog is dedicated to the memory of Benjamin Franklin, a hero of mine.
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To all you people who love “whale songs” – YOU try living with one – sleeping with one, hearing that STUPID “hauntingly beautiful whale song” at 2 fuckin’ thirty in the morning when you gotta get up in a few hours.
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If I were a jelly fish I would swim the entire ocean just to find the rare, elusive “Peanut-Butter Fish” – just so I could swim up to it and say “We were meant to be together”
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: “TAKE ‘ER DOWN” ® A stunning documentary that takes you onboard the four-man Russian exploration sub “MIR 5” as the men explore the bottoms. (2 hrs, 45 min) (Violence, sodomy, extreme sexual content, eye-gouging, invasive medical scenes)
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When I used to see a cop parked along the highway I’d purposely floor my green 1976 Ford Pinto and go BLAZING by him at about 52 MPH – and I’d flip him off as I went by.
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How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.
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Remember the days when you would pull into a gas station and run over a tube that would ring a bell inside the gas station? Can you imagine how mad Ahmed would be if they brought that back?
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When I was a young horny monkey, when playing the game Clue, I’d be sitting there with my little monkey wood fantasizing about an orgy in the Billiard Room where I’d have Miss Scarlet bent over the pool table giving it to her hard, with Mrs. Peacock down on her knees between us, servicing us both while making out with Mrs. Peacock. “YOUR MOVE!!” My mother would always interrupt me.
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I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – and you KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their faces every now and again.
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I can’t help but think that there’s probably a boy in some country out there, in some weird language, with the name “Penis Head” – but if he immigrated with his family to the U.S. he’d claim his name was pronounced “pee-NISH-e-ahd” Yeah whatever dick head boy.
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Monkey writes a country music song: “If it weren’t for Wal*Mart plastic bags I’d have no trash bags for my little bathroom trash can”
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To all you people who love “whale songs” – YOU try living with one – sleeping with one, hearing that STUPID “hauntingly beautiful whale song” at 2 fuckin’ thirty in the morning when you gotta get up in a few hours.
---------------------
If I were a jelly fish I would swim the entire ocean just to find the rare, elusive “Peanut-Butter Fish” – just so I could swim up to it and say “We were meant to be together”
---------------------
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: “TAKE ‘ER DOWN” ® A stunning documentary that takes you onboard the four-man Russian exploration sub “MIR 5” as the men explore the bottoms. (2 hrs, 45 min) (Violence, sodomy, extreme sexual content, eye-gouging, invasive medical scenes)
---------------------
When I used to see a cop parked along the highway I’d purposely floor my green 1976 Ford Pinto and go BLAZING by him at about 52 MPH – and I’d flip him off as I went by.
---------------------
How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.
---------------------
Remember the days when you would pull into a gas station and run over a tube that would ring a bell inside the gas station? Can you imagine how mad Ahmed would be if they brought that back?
---------------------
When I was a young horny monkey, when playing the game Clue, I’d be sitting there with my little monkey wood fantasizing about an orgy in the Billiard Room where I’d have Miss Scarlet bent over the pool table giving it to her hard, with Mrs. Peacock down on her knees between us, servicing us both while making out with Mrs. Peacock. “YOUR MOVE!!” My mother would always interrupt me.
---------------------
I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – and you KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their faces every now and again.
---------------------
I can’t help but think that there’s probably a boy in some country out there, in some weird language, with the name “Penis Head” – but if he immigrated with his family to the U.S. he’d claim his name was pronounced “pee-NISH-e-ahd” Yeah whatever dick head boy.
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Monkey writes a country music song: “If it weren’t for Wal*Mart plastic bags I’d have no trash bags for my little bathroom trash can”
3/8/06 I believe...
Today's blog is dedicated to Laetitia Casta. I told her last night I'd do it - I'm doing it - this one's for Laetitia.
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Paula said to that big girl last night: "You sang your butt off" and I was impressed. (But then they showed a backstage shot of the lady and it wasn't true.)
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Oh calm down - I'm a MONKEY I can say stuff like that!
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Ladies, sometimes, we men DO know what we should do: When you're laying there next to us in bed, with your beautiful, silky hair laying across your face, your beautiful eyes closed, such a beautiful, vulnerable look on your face, your beautiful breasts rising with each slumbery breath, we men ever so gently...so slowly...sneak out of the bed and go to the computer and wank off to some free "preview" 15 second blowjob movies. Aint a high-speed internet connection great?
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If I were a taxi driver in New York City, I'd be just one of those taxis that just drives around splashing people with puddles - I wouldn't even pick up any fares - and I'd only work on rainy days.
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If I ran a dildo manufacturing factory when I fired people I'd say - "You just don't know dick"
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If you were a cat, working as slave labor in an evil Chinese cat-toy factory - I'll bet if they caught you even ONCE batting at the toys on the assembly line you'd be Factory Manager Wong Lee's DINNER that night buddy!!
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If I were a turd, I'd be the kind of turd to grab onto the bowl on the way down and try and hold on - just to save my life - oh sure I'd eventually get washed down the toilet, but I'd leave a stain on the side of the bowl that they'd have to do a double-flusher" to get rid of.
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Okay I gotta stop this "If I were..." stuff, it's out of control.
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What's your favorite lunch at work? Mine's A4, but sometimes C6, and the other day I even tried L3
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I saw a book in Barnes & Noble today - "EVIL SERIAL KILLERS". Is there another kind!??!
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Paula said to that big girl last night: "You sang your butt off" and I was impressed. (But then they showed a backstage shot of the lady and it wasn't true.)
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Oh calm down - I'm a MONKEY I can say stuff like that!
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Ladies, sometimes, we men DO know what we should do: When you're laying there next to us in bed, with your beautiful, silky hair laying across your face, your beautiful eyes closed, such a beautiful, vulnerable look on your face, your beautiful breasts rising with each slumbery breath, we men ever so gently...so slowly...sneak out of the bed and go to the computer and wank off to some free "preview" 15 second blowjob movies. Aint a high-speed internet connection great?
---------------------
If I were a taxi driver in New York City, I'd be just one of those taxis that just drives around splashing people with puddles - I wouldn't even pick up any fares - and I'd only work on rainy days.
---------------------
If I ran a dildo manufacturing factory when I fired people I'd say - "You just don't know dick"
---------------------
If you were a cat, working as slave labor in an evil Chinese cat-toy factory - I'll bet if they caught you even ONCE batting at the toys on the assembly line you'd be Factory Manager Wong Lee's DINNER that night buddy!!
-----------------
If I were a turd, I'd be the kind of turd to grab onto the bowl on the way down and try and hold on - just to save my life - oh sure I'd eventually get washed down the toilet, but I'd leave a stain on the side of the bowl that they'd have to do a double-flusher" to get rid of.
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Okay I gotta stop this "If I were..." stuff, it's out of control.
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What's your favorite lunch at work? Mine's A4, but sometimes C6, and the other day I even tried L3
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I saw a book in Barnes & Noble today - "EVIL SERIAL KILLERS". Is there another kind!??!
This is the 7th of March
Today's blog is dedicated to all you people who keep coming back here to read my silly stuff.
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If I ran the Dr. Pepper company, I'd see if I could make the longest annoying name for a drink ever possible - how 'bout that? Something like: "Diet Sugar-Free Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper"
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Speakin' of drink names - I was in a bar the other night where they have those young beautiful bouncing "barely-legal" eye candy bartenders and she brings me a drink she'd invented for me to try. I take a sip - it sucked. (But of course I told the poor thing it was "Great!") and asked the name - get this now - "Citron My Face"
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Free Monkey Tip of the Day: Dentists? Like to save money on hiring a dental assistant? Simply keep all the tools you needed in your mouth while you're working!
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Free (second!) Monkey Tip of the Day: "If you're in a lynch mob and everyone's gathered at night outside the sheriff's office for a good ol' fashioned lynching' party, you know those torches carried all night and that fire is doing terrible damage to your skin, when you go home later that night, toss those ol' smelly clothes in the wash and treat your skin to some Olay Total Effects Intensive Restoration Treatment cream.
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People I'd like to pimp-slap: You "Truth" people with your anti-tobacco company bullshit commercials. Wake the fuck up assholes this is AMERICA where people have CHOSE to smoke - the tobacco companies are not MAKING them smoke. Fuck off.
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Since every fuckin' company and their brother now says when you call them: "This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes" - when they answer I say "Yes could YOU TWO help me?" - and when I hang up I say "You BOTH have a nice day"
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Don't you hate it when some older relative learns you're "good on computers" and begs you to "look at" their computer "because it's got problems" and you (finally) get over to their house and it's a 1987 Commodore Amiga 500 and they're asking you to show them how to connect up to the internet with it?
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If I ran the Dr. Pepper company, I'd see if I could make the longest annoying name for a drink ever possible - how 'bout that? Something like: "Diet Sugar-Free Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper"
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Speakin' of drink names - I was in a bar the other night where they have those young beautiful bouncing "barely-legal" eye candy bartenders and she brings me a drink she'd invented for me to try. I take a sip - it sucked. (But of course I told the poor thing it was "Great!") and asked the name - get this now - "Citron My Face"
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Free Monkey Tip of the Day: Dentists? Like to save money on hiring a dental assistant? Simply keep all the tools you needed in your mouth while you're working!
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Free (second!) Monkey Tip of the Day: "If you're in a lynch mob and everyone's gathered at night outside the sheriff's office for a good ol' fashioned lynching' party, you know those torches carried all night and that fire is doing terrible damage to your skin, when you go home later that night, toss those ol' smelly clothes in the wash and treat your skin to some Olay Total Effects Intensive Restoration Treatment cream.
------------------
People I'd like to pimp-slap: You "Truth" people with your anti-tobacco company bullshit commercials. Wake the fuck up assholes this is AMERICA where people have CHOSE to smoke - the tobacco companies are not MAKING them smoke. Fuck off.
------------------
Since every fuckin' company and their brother now says when you call them: "This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes" - when they answer I say "Yes could YOU TWO help me?" - and when I hang up I say "You BOTH have a nice day"
------------------
Don't you hate it when some older relative learns you're "good on computers" and begs you to "look at" their computer "because it's got problems" and you (finally) get over to their house and it's a 1987 Commodore Amiga 500 and they're asking you to show them how to connect up to the internet with it?
Today must be around 3/05/10
Today's blog is dedicated to Dire Straits - could those guys lay down some tunes or WHAT!?
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You know you REALLY love going south when you're talking to it: "Oh yeah pretty baby you like that don't you? Here, have another" and your lady says "mmmm what honey?" and you say - "Shhhh! I wasn't talking to you"
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If I were a fish in someone's aquarium, I'd wait until one of my buddies had one of those really long string turds hanging from his ass, as we fish do, and I'd swim up and do trapeze tricks on it.
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The Monkey's always been a fan of "misused quotations", and I saw one of my own on a billboard yesterday - it was for a hotel, and the sign said the hotel was "quiet"
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Monkey writes a Reader's Digest "Life in these United States" submission: The other night in a bar there were handful of the local clowns...and the phone rings. "I'm NOT HERE!" yells one fellow to the bartender, who's going over to get the phone - all the other guys laugh and everyone has a great time yelling "I ain't here either!", and "Tell the bitch I'll be home when I GET home!", etc. It gets quiet and the bartender answers the phone: "______ Bar, nobody's here", and 30 people bust out laughing.
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Monkey Quiz: "Jesus done left Chicago, and he's bound for ______" (Finish it for 5 points, name the artist AND title for 731 points.)
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If I were a tight-rope walker and everyone was looking up at me, I'd purposely start peeing my pants and it would splatter them below - they'd think I was just so scared and forgive me - but really I'd be so high up there they wouldn't hear me laughing my ass off.
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Monkey weird habit: In hotel rooms, when leaving a wake-up call at the front desk, ask for a time like "6:37 AM" or "8:12 AM please" But then the next morning when the phone rings wait a full minute before answering - and then give them grief: "I specifically asked for 7:37 AM and you're calling me at 7:38 AM!? This is really going to mess up my day!"
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You know you REALLY love going south when you're talking to it: "Oh yeah pretty baby you like that don't you? Here, have another" and your lady says "mmmm what honey?" and you say - "Shhhh! I wasn't talking to you"
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If I were a fish in someone's aquarium, I'd wait until one of my buddies had one of those really long string turds hanging from his ass, as we fish do, and I'd swim up and do trapeze tricks on it.
---------------------------
The Monkey's always been a fan of "misused quotations", and I saw one of my own on a billboard yesterday - it was for a hotel, and the sign said the hotel was "quiet"
-------------------------
Monkey writes a Reader's Digest "Life in these United States" submission: The other night in a bar there were handful of the local clowns...and the phone rings. "I'm NOT HERE!" yells one fellow to the bartender, who's going over to get the phone - all the other guys laugh and everyone has a great time yelling "I ain't here either!", and "Tell the bitch I'll be home when I GET home!", etc. It gets quiet and the bartender answers the phone: "______ Bar, nobody's here", and 30 people bust out laughing.
----------------------
Monkey Quiz: "Jesus done left Chicago, and he's bound for ______" (Finish it for 5 points, name the artist AND title for 731 points.)
---------------------
If I were a tight-rope walker and everyone was looking up at me, I'd purposely start peeing my pants and it would splatter them below - they'd think I was just so scared and forgive me - but really I'd be so high up there they wouldn't hear me laughing my ass off.
---------------------
Monkey weird habit: In hotel rooms, when leaving a wake-up call at the front desk, ask for a time like "6:37 AM" or "8:12 AM please" But then the next morning when the phone rings wait a full minute before answering - and then give them grief: "I specifically asked for 7:37 AM and you're calling me at 7:38 AM!? This is really going to mess up my day!"
Weekend Monkey Thoughts
Today's blog is dedicated to those wacky Chinese-to-English translators over in China whose job it is to write "English" assembly instructions on cheap Chinese shit; "Now you find 5 screw in plastic holding bag you must now with your screwdriver turn hard in motion of clock-hand the screw into hole provided for screw"
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What we men hear at bedtime: She: "Ahhh that was SO good Monkey mmm thank you so much you're so good and your monkey-dick is sooo nice mmm but about what I was ZZ telling you earlier about ZZZZ at work, ZZZZZ she said that ZZZZZ told that ZZZZZZ she said ZZZZZZZZZZZZ and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ her ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
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If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get by nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she'd jump but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd make those really cool clicking sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.
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Silly Monkey Thought of the Day: I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
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If I lived way back in the day - I'd be one of those dudes that just hangs around listening to philosphers or even that Jesus - because hey - it sure beats working and there's always wine!!
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Lyrics the Monkey just doesn't get: "Just like a white-wing dove Sings a song sounds like she's singin'" WTF Stevie?!?!?
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Don't you hate it when you're so drunk you go to the bathroom to put in some eyedrops but instead end up going into the garage and putting "Ortho Weed-B-Gon Lawn
Weed Killer 2" in your eyes? (Both of 'em)
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What we men hear at bedtime: She: "Ahhh that was SO good Monkey mmm thank you so much you're so good and your monkey-dick is sooo nice mmm but about what I was ZZ telling you earlier about ZZZZ at work, ZZZZZ she said that ZZZZZ told that ZZZZZZ she said ZZZZZZZZZZZZ and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ her ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
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If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get by nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she'd jump but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd make those really cool clicking sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.
-------------------------
Silly Monkey Thought of the Day: I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
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If I lived way back in the day - I'd be one of those dudes that just hangs around listening to philosphers or even that Jesus - because hey - it sure beats working and there's always wine!!
------------------------
Lyrics the Monkey just doesn't get: "Just like a white-wing dove Sings a song sounds like she's singin'" WTF Stevie?!?!?
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Don't you hate it when you're so drunk you go to the bathroom to put in some eyedrops but instead end up going into the garage and putting "Ortho Weed-B-Gon Lawn
Weed Killer 2" in your eyes? (Both of 'em)
Today seems like March 2nd, 2008
Today's blog is dedicated to all of you women who are "trapped" in fucked-up, abusive relationships. Get out! There IS help. This is your LIFE - it's too short - you deserve better. Get help and get out.
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I had a healthy, normal childhood. I can still remember when I learned that I could take Silly Putty and lift a picture of a coochy from my older brother's Hustler magazine. I'd then have a really cool, stretchable pussy that I could almost even open - I called my invention "Silly Pussy" (Pat. Pending) and it was my first invention. I was nine.
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In a small town with only one bar, if you get into a fight with your man/woman - you can scream "I'm OUTTA HERE!!" and storm off - but it really only means you're moving to an empty stool over by the pool table.
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If I were a hummingbird, I'd be an EVIL Hummingbird; I'd flutter in place right in front of someone's face and when they say "Awww how PRECIOUS!" I'd swoop in and jab my long nectar-sucking beak into their eardrum, puncturing it. Sure they'd scream and cry, but I'd be like "Oh man sorry dude, I thought your ear was a flower"
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Things that suck: You've got her all worked up, you're doing her really good and she's even getting into some dirty talk like you like, and your left toe hits the "REDIAL" button on the cordless phone that was on the bed (for some fucked up reason)and now her mother gets to hear her daughter and you cumming hard together.
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(You later send your mother-in-law a bill for 99 cents a minute, $5.99 for the first minute)
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "REAL MEN don't give a damn about "that monthly visitor" (or as I like to call it: "Clean up no aisle one") Real men know nookie's ALWAYS good and that's why they invented old dark colored towels.
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Why is it that every time I need a LONG extension cord all I have is that stupid short white one, and when I need a SHORT extension cord all I can find is that 4.2 mile long heavy-duty orange outdoor cord?!
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Since I wasn't exactly getting laid in high school, I had a hobby of watching the hot high school girls making out with their boyfriends! It was like good, free softcore porn! (But it usually ended badly - with the guy catching me and he screams "Dude who the hell are YOU - get the fuck out of my car!" and the girl screaming. Jeez. Chill out.)
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I had a healthy, normal childhood. I can still remember when I learned that I could take Silly Putty and lift a picture of a coochy from my older brother's Hustler magazine. I'd then have a really cool, stretchable pussy that I could almost even open - I called my invention "Silly Pussy" (Pat. Pending) and it was my first invention. I was nine.
-------------------------
In a small town with only one bar, if you get into a fight with your man/woman - you can scream "I'm OUTTA HERE!!" and storm off - but it really only means you're moving to an empty stool over by the pool table.
-------------------------
If I were a hummingbird, I'd be an EVIL Hummingbird; I'd flutter in place right in front of someone's face and when they say "Awww how PRECIOUS!" I'd swoop in and jab my long nectar-sucking beak into their eardrum, puncturing it. Sure they'd scream and cry, but I'd be like "Oh man sorry dude, I thought your ear was a flower"
--------------------------
Things that suck: You've got her all worked up, you're doing her really good and she's even getting into some dirty talk like you like, and your left toe hits the "REDIAL" button on the cordless phone that was on the bed (for some fucked up reason)and now her mother gets to hear her daughter and you cumming hard together.
---------------------------
(You later send your mother-in-law a bill for 99 cents a minute, $5.99 for the first minute)
---------------------------
Monkey Quote of the Day: "REAL MEN don't give a damn about "that monthly visitor" (or as I like to call it: "Clean up no aisle one") Real men know nookie's ALWAYS good and that's why they invented old dark colored towels.
---------------------------
Why is it that every time I need a LONG extension cord all I have is that stupid short white one, and when I need a SHORT extension cord all I can find is that 4.2 mile long heavy-duty orange outdoor cord?!
----------------------------
Since I wasn't exactly getting laid in high school, I had a hobby of watching the hot high school girls making out with their boyfriends! It was like good, free softcore porn! (But it usually ended badly - with the guy catching me and he screams "Dude who the hell are YOU - get the fuck out of my car!" and the girl screaming. Jeez. Chill out.)
Some say today is March the first, 2006
Today’s blog is dedicated to Astro Glide. Today’s blog is some of my ol’ favorites.
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
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So the Shrink asked me if I ever have any strange thoughts .
"No", I answered (which I thought was pretty strange.)
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I don't understand all this "Satellite Radio" talk. Even if the thing were in low orbit and the volume onboard was cranked to the max I really doubt we could hear it down here.
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Phone sex gone bad:
Guy: "So baby tell me what you're wearing right now?"
Girl: "I'm wearing a red flannel nightgown that I got online from Sears. It's 100% soft cotton flannel and I got it on sale the other day when my friend Jackie and I went shopping at the Bridgewood Mall over on Carson street. She said it was too much, even on sale, but she always says shit like that. They had sold out on all the pink ones or so they SAY. I asked the sales clerk if she minded checking in the back for pink ones and she was like..."I GUESS" and rolled her eyes. She went away for about five seconds and was back. I know damned well she didn't go check. And Jackie said she saw her just walk over and talk to another bitch sales clerk for a few seconds and then came back. After that I was tempted to not buy anything there, but the red one wasn't so bad and I'd just paid some on my Sears card so I did have credit."
Girl: You there?
Girl: Hello?
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If you accidentally drank a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®, you'd probably be relieved when you read on the bottle - "..MAY be fatal.." That means you MAY not die - that there's hope.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Defroster Breath Gum" (MDBG) - tired of going out and starting your car on cold winter mornings to defrost the windows? Monkey Labs, Inc. can help. Simply chew this special defroster gum, go out to your car and blow on the windows - ice and frost literally fall away! (No it won't work on your wife's cold heart or her cold lifeless coochy)
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
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If I were a rodeo bull, in my spare time I'd try and build a "Mechanical Bull Rider" - a mechanical man that we bulls could put on our backs and practice throwing off. I'm thinking the maintenance on it would probably be a lot to keep up with though, I'd have to build it out of very sturdy materials. And having no real hands or thumbs, but only hooves, this is NOT going to be easy - so shit, never mind. Forget I said anything.
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A girl once said to me "I'll suck your dick for you" - and later, I started thinking, what a weird way to phrase that - "FOR me"? I wasn't going to do it!
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Show me a person who has a clean history file on their web browser every day and I'll show you a person who's been looking at naughty naughty web pages!
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
-----------------------------------
So the Shrink asked me if I ever have any strange thoughts .
"No", I answered (which I thought was pretty strange.)
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I don't understand all this "Satellite Radio" talk. Even if the thing were in low orbit and the volume onboard was cranked to the max I really doubt we could hear it down here.
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Phone sex gone bad:
Guy: "So baby tell me what you're wearing right now?"
Girl: "I'm wearing a red flannel nightgown that I got online from Sears. It's 100% soft cotton flannel and I got it on sale the other day when my friend Jackie and I went shopping at the Bridgewood Mall over on Carson street. She said it was too much, even on sale, but she always says shit like that. They had sold out on all the pink ones or so they SAY. I asked the sales clerk if she minded checking in the back for pink ones and she was like..."I GUESS" and rolled her eyes. She went away for about five seconds and was back. I know damned well she didn't go check. And Jackie said she saw her just walk over and talk to another bitch sales clerk for a few seconds and then came back. After that I was tempted to not buy anything there, but the red one wasn't so bad and I'd just paid some on my Sears card so I did have credit."
Girl: You there?
Girl: Hello?
-----------------------
If you accidentally drank a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®, you'd probably be relieved when you read on the bottle - "..MAY be fatal.." That means you MAY not die - that there's hope.
------------------------
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Defroster Breath Gum" (MDBG) - tired of going out and starting your car on cold winter mornings to defrost the windows? Monkey Labs, Inc. can help. Simply chew this special defroster gum, go out to your car and blow on the windows - ice and frost literally fall away! (No it won't work on your wife's cold heart or her cold lifeless coochy)
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
-----------------------
If I were a rodeo bull, in my spare time I'd try and build a "Mechanical Bull Rider" - a mechanical man that we bulls could put on our backs and practice throwing off. I'm thinking the maintenance on it would probably be a lot to keep up with though, I'd have to build it out of very sturdy materials. And having no real hands or thumbs, but only hooves, this is NOT going to be easy - so shit, never mind. Forget I said anything.
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A girl once said to me "I'll suck your dick for you" - and later, I started thinking, what a weird way to phrase that - "FOR me"? I wasn't going to do it!
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Show me a person who has a clean history file on their web browser every day and I'll show you a person who's been looking at naughty naughty web pages!
