The
Monkey CageToday's around Feb. 28th.
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 21 people killed in January of 1919 in Boston when 2,320,000 gallons (14,000 tons) of molasses from a tank and exploded and flooded the streets.
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Fun thing to do at work: When you get a call at your company for someone else - say "I'll try and transfer you - but I'm not very good at it - but let me try and transfer you to his/her desk...hold on please". Then do the transfer thing, but first get an outside line, then transfer them to some random number in Sichuan, China. (Use 011, then 86 for China's country code, then 28 for Sichuan, China, then some random numbers.) It's great fun and the people in Sichuan China LOVE getting calls so don't worry!
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Monkey: "What do mean officer - I just did your stinkin' sobriety test without falling over once!!!! What's the problem? I just did the 9 steps heel to toe perfectly!!"
Officer: "Mr. Monkey please just turn your car off and step outside of the car and do the test again"
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My first love when I was a kid - I'll never forget her. She was black - with beautiful big green eyes - I'd play with her for hours in the back yard. One day when we were wrestling, rolling around and flirting, our lips accidently touched - ever so gently. I decided just to kiss her right then and there - but my mother threw open the kitchen window "Dammit Monkey get AWAY from that dog and find some kids to play with!"
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "my girlfriend kiked me in the face last night becuase i tried to fist her" (I'm not 100% certain - but I think odds are you deserved that kik - Monkey)
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The Monkey listens to the morning ski report on the radio just to hear that one chick talk about how she got almost 8 inches last night.
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Fun thing to do at work: When you get a call at your company for someone else - say "I'll try and transfer you - but I'm not very good at it - but let me try and transfer you to his/her desk...hold on please". Then do the transfer thing, but first get an outside line, then transfer them to some random number in Sichuan, China. (Use 011, then 86 for China's country code, then 28 for Sichuan, China, then some random numbers.) It's great fun and the people in Sichuan China LOVE getting calls so don't worry!
--------------------------
Monkey: "What do mean officer - I just did your stinkin' sobriety test without falling over once!!!! What's the problem? I just did the 9 steps heel to toe perfectly!!"
Officer: "Mr. Monkey please just turn your car off and step outside of the car and do the test again"
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My first love when I was a kid - I'll never forget her. She was black - with beautiful big green eyes - I'd play with her for hours in the back yard. One day when we were wrestling, rolling around and flirting, our lips accidently touched - ever so gently. I decided just to kiss her right then and there - but my mother threw open the kitchen window "Dammit Monkey get AWAY from that dog and find some kids to play with!"
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "my girlfriend kiked me in the face last night becuase i tried to fist her" (I'm not 100% certain - but I think odds are you deserved that kik - Monkey)
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The Monkey listens to the morning ski report on the radio just to hear that one chick talk about how she got almost 8 inches last night.
Today seems like it's February 27th, 2012
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 91 men who were killed or wounded aboard the destroyer USS Newcomb on April 6th 1945 when Japanese kamikaze pilots hit her five times. Many of the injured that day suffered devastating burns. There may be a few repeats today.
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" the other day. You know the talk - "The birds and the bees talk" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc. The best part about it was that he explained it all in a way I could understand and made me feel comfortable. Thanks son.
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Don't you hate it when you're at a job interview and some guy in a suit asks you a question but you were too busy checking out the picture of his hot wife on his desk and she's a super-hot gorgeous little MILF with sweet nice tits that are begging to be sucked and worshipped and you just know her sweet little beaver is hot and tasty and...ummm...."I'm sorry I didn't really understand your question sir, I was actually a little preoccupied there for a second - I was actually thinking about how impressive your company's last quarterly report..."
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MORE Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
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Things the Monkey stays up late wondering about: In China, do the Chinese mothers threaten their little children: "If you don't straighten your little yellow ass up - I'll swear I'll have you adopted out to a white yuppy American famry so fast your head will spin - don't think I won't - I can pick up this phone and you'll be gone tomorrow!"
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If I were in Heaven and I was fucking some angel chick on a cloud, I'd have her in the doggy-style position and I'd throw down my harp and moan "Jesus Fuckin' Christ" as I ate her out from behind and when she started to shudder and moan and cum I'd reach lovingly across her back - over her wings - and I'd pull back really hard on her halo - just like my little kinky horny slut likes it. Yes her does.
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Reason you may have to suddenly take up growing herbs as a hobby: "Dad I found a little black film roll container in your coat pocket - but there's not film in it - some dried up looking grass or herbs or something in it - what is that stuff?"
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
----------------------------
My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" the other day. You know the talk - "The birds and the bees talk" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc. The best part about it was that he explained it all in a way I could understand and made me feel comfortable. Thanks son.
---------------------------
Don't you hate it when you're at a job interview and some guy in a suit asks you a question but you were too busy checking out the picture of his hot wife on his desk and she's a super-hot gorgeous little MILF with sweet nice tits that are begging to be sucked and worshipped and you just know her sweet little beaver is hot and tasty and...ummm...."I'm sorry I didn't really understand your question sir, I was actually a little preoccupied there for a second - I was actually thinking about how impressive your company's last quarterly report..."
---------------------------
MORE Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
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Things the Monkey stays up late wondering about: In China, do the Chinese mothers threaten their little children: "If you don't straighten your little yellow ass up - I'll swear I'll have you adopted out to a white yuppy American famry so fast your head will spin - don't think I won't - I can pick up this phone and you'll be gone tomorrow!"
-----------------------------
If I were in Heaven and I was fucking some angel chick on a cloud, I'd have her in the doggy-style position and I'd throw down my harp and moan "Jesus Fuckin' Christ" as I ate her out from behind and when she started to shudder and moan and cum I'd reach lovingly across her back - over her wings - and I'd pull back really hard on her halo - just like my little kinky horny slut likes it. Yes her does.
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Reason you may have to suddenly take up growing herbs as a hobby: "Dad I found a little black film roll container in your coat pocket - but there's not film in it - some dried up looking grass or herbs or something in it - what is that stuff?"
February 24th, 2008
Today's blog is dedicated to the beautiful Indian actress Aishwarya Rai. Holy cow.
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Don't you hate it when you build a mansion, and you build a wall safe where you hide your hundreds of thousands of dollars and some good porn - and then you forget to not only put a painting in front of the wall safe to hide it, but you forget to lock it, and someone breaks in and your porn is GONE!?
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A bar chick friend who ONLY talks about herself and must be the constant center of attention says to me last night: "Monkey when I got out of my first marriage I was literally battered and abused" I couldn't help it at this point - I said "Oh so even way back then you had a problem with running your mouth?"
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow up.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "i got really horny and tried to masturbate with a keyring, i got it all the way in my pussy, but it hurts too much to get it out...im going to have to see the doctor but i don't know wat im gonna say" (Good luck - if I were the doctor I know what I'd say to you: "I'll let you in my office, but DON'T START ANYTHING!" - Monkey
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If I were a Super Hero, I'd purposely build a bookshelf in my house that when you pulled out a certain book, nothing happens - NONE of the books, when pulled, do a damned thing! This would be a great party gag when I held Super Hero parties.
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Don't you hate it when you're off work, have a nice buzz going, are listening to some Jack Johnson on your iPod, and you doze off into a blissful nap, and the damned bus driver with the bad breath wakes you up, screaming "This last stop! This last stop!", and you look around and you're the last one on the bus, and the bus is in the bus dispatch station again.
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Don't you hate it when you build a mansion, and you build a wall safe where you hide your hundreds of thousands of dollars and some good porn - and then you forget to not only put a painting in front of the wall safe to hide it, but you forget to lock it, and someone breaks in and your porn is GONE!?
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A bar chick friend who ONLY talks about herself and must be the constant center of attention says to me last night: "Monkey when I got out of my first marriage I was literally battered and abused" I couldn't help it at this point - I said "Oh so even way back then you had a problem with running your mouth?"
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow up.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "i got really horny and tried to masturbate with a keyring, i got it all the way in my pussy, but it hurts too much to get it out...im going to have to see the doctor but i don't know wat im gonna say" (Good luck - if I were the doctor I know what I'd say to you: "I'll let you in my office, but DON'T START ANYTHING!" - Monkey
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If I were a Super Hero, I'd purposely build a bookshelf in my house that when you pulled out a certain book, nothing happens - NONE of the books, when pulled, do a damned thing! This would be a great party gag when I held Super Hero parties.
--------------------------
Don't you hate it when you're off work, have a nice buzz going, are listening to some Jack Johnson on your iPod, and you doze off into a blissful nap, and the damned bus driver with the bad breath wakes you up, screaming "This last stop! This last stop!", and you look around and you're the last one on the bus, and the bus is in the bus dispatch station again.
I think it's February the 23rd, 2002
Today's blog is dedicated to Montana; not my home state, but the state I'm proud to call home. The other day I was driving along the highway and I pulled over to watch a young coyote pup playing in a field, with beautiful snow-capped mountains in the background, painted by a clear blue, huge Montana sky. I turned down my radio and just enjoyed the moment and the beauty of this state. At that very moment a beautiful, huge American Bald Eagle soared in to take a look at what the Coyote was playing with. It's hard to look anywhere in Montana and not see something beautiful in this state, and that includes her people, who I'm proud to call my neighbors.
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Remember playing in the park, and one of your so-called buddies grabs your Slinky you're playing with and runs off with it? That happened to me just the other day and I'm still pissed off.
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Monkey's Hollywood Sitcom Idea of the Day: "Little PP" - a hilarious black sitcom that centers around the wacky world of "Little PP" - a zany rapper.
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It makes the Monkey laugh when the Credit Card company sends a "nasty letter" saying how far behind I am and how they're going to take legal action - but at the same time they throw in a few little pamphlets and fliers about how I should apply for a home mortgage loan and re-finance my house.
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When I was a kid I hated the Ice Cream Truck driver. That bastard would drive right down our poor white trash street, and make us chase him about 2.3 miles because he would actually STOP his truck in some MIDDLE CLASS white trash neighborhood. (But behind me running was the kids from even further miles away - the SUPER poor white TRAILER TRASH kids - so it could've been worse)
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Don't you hate it when you're a teenage guy who feels he's becoming a MAN Goddammit but you still go to 7-11 and buy some strawberry Now & Laters and a stick of cherry Bublelicious gum - hey but at least while you're buying it at the counter you're checking out the titties on the front page of Swank magazine behind the counter.
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I think it would suck if you were born with three arms, and you grew up in a small Nevada town next to an abandoned US Nuclear Testing Facility - and you were crying all the time because of your three arms and screaming "WHY!? Oh God in heaven WHY!? WHYYY!!" - but all the other neighbors and family were also fucked up and deformed and they'd be like "Look homey - you gots to DEAL with that shit man you know what I'm saying? We're ALL deformed in this town yo!" And sure enough you look around and there's people with three heads, people with NO arms but only fingers, no feet, etc. But you want to feel "special" and want sympathy so you have to move to another town where you're the only "freak" around.
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In REAL life, when you hear a knock on your hotel door and someone saying "Room Service!" - you peek through the peep hole you'll be looking at the top of a little 60 year old Mexican lady's head. Real life isn't so fun.
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Remember playing in the park, and one of your so-called buddies grabs your Slinky you're playing with and runs off with it? That happened to me just the other day and I'm still pissed off.
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Monkey's Hollywood Sitcom Idea of the Day: "Little PP" - a hilarious black sitcom that centers around the wacky world of "Little PP" - a zany rapper.
---------------------------
It makes the Monkey laugh when the Credit Card company sends a "nasty letter" saying how far behind I am and how they're going to take legal action - but at the same time they throw in a few little pamphlets and fliers about how I should apply for a home mortgage loan and re-finance my house.
--------------------------
When I was a kid I hated the Ice Cream Truck driver. That bastard would drive right down our poor white trash street, and make us chase him about 2.3 miles because he would actually STOP his truck in some MIDDLE CLASS white trash neighborhood. (But behind me running was the kids from even further miles away - the SUPER poor white TRAILER TRASH kids - so it could've been worse)
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Don't you hate it when you're a teenage guy who feels he's becoming a MAN Goddammit but you still go to 7-11 and buy some strawberry Now & Laters and a stick of cherry Bublelicious gum - hey but at least while you're buying it at the counter you're checking out the titties on the front page of Swank magazine behind the counter.
------------------------
I think it would suck if you were born with three arms, and you grew up in a small Nevada town next to an abandoned US Nuclear Testing Facility - and you were crying all the time because of your three arms and screaming "WHY!? Oh God in heaven WHY!? WHYYY!!" - but all the other neighbors and family were also fucked up and deformed and they'd be like "Look homey - you gots to DEAL with that shit man you know what I'm saying? We're ALL deformed in this town yo!" And sure enough you look around and there's people with three heads, people with NO arms but only fingers, no feet, etc. But you want to feel "special" and want sympathy so you have to move to another town where you're the only "freak" around.
-------------------------
In REAL life, when you hear a knock on your hotel door and someone saying "Room Service!" - you peek through the peep hole you'll be looking at the top of a little 60 year old Mexican lady's head. Real life isn't so fun.
It's at least February 21rst, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to: That ice dancing chick last night on the Olympics - the very hot one with the great ass from...from some country...you know the one I mean - her ice dancing partner was that one gay guy. Yeah - her.
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These kids nowadays - PUNKS. Why, back in MY day, we only had alcohol, pot, hash, shrooms and 'ludes - we didn't have all this high-tech dangerous shit you kids are doing - what with your fancy Esctasy, Meth, etc.
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If I were a monkey (oh wait, I AM!) - and I were in a meeting, and I had a laser pointer, I'd shine it on the guy's butt and laugh and jump up and down
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I can only get an erection by thinking about squid." (Squid with big titties and a sweet ass and long blond hair? ME TOO! - Monkey)
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If I were a dinner roll, and I was married to a nice dinner roll lady, and one day we had a bun in the oven, which later grew up to be a beautiful, tall, stunning roll, I'd encourage her to be a roll model.
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What the fuck was that last one about!? Holy shit.
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I think the big wrestling arenas would've learned by now: Don't put those metal fold-up chairs down there so close to the ring! Those crazy bad guys will end up using them to hurt others - every time! Those chairs aren't cheap either - don't treat 'em like that!
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Scary things: To me, one of the scariest things in the entire world is the sight of a naked Barbie Doll laying in a mud puddle on a lonely country road.
The second scariest thing in the entire world is that there are people all across Kansas along highway I-70 that dress up in costumes to look like the sides of barns - they then stand along I-70 in front of barns and we can't even see them when we drive by. It's called "Barn Camouflage"
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Fun Monkey Hobby: Wear a "I Gave Blood Today" sticker to work - all day long people will come up to you "Great job!", "Good for you!", etc - it's a great feeling and a lot of fun.
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These kids nowadays - PUNKS. Why, back in MY day, we only had alcohol, pot, hash, shrooms and 'ludes - we didn't have all this high-tech dangerous shit you kids are doing - what with your fancy Esctasy, Meth, etc.
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If I were a monkey (oh wait, I AM!) - and I were in a meeting, and I had a laser pointer, I'd shine it on the guy's butt and laugh and jump up and down
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I can only get an erection by thinking about squid." (Squid with big titties and a sweet ass and long blond hair? ME TOO! - Monkey)
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If I were a dinner roll, and I was married to a nice dinner roll lady, and one day we had a bun in the oven, which later grew up to be a beautiful, tall, stunning roll, I'd encourage her to be a roll model.
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What the fuck was that last one about!? Holy shit.
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I think the big wrestling arenas would've learned by now: Don't put those metal fold-up chairs down there so close to the ring! Those crazy bad guys will end up using them to hurt others - every time! Those chairs aren't cheap either - don't treat 'em like that!
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Scary things: To me, one of the scariest things in the entire world is the sight of a naked Barbie Doll laying in a mud puddle on a lonely country road.
The second scariest thing in the entire world is that there are people all across Kansas along highway I-70 that dress up in costumes to look like the sides of barns - they then stand along I-70 in front of barns and we can't even see them when we drive by. It's called "Barn Camouflage"
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Fun Monkey Hobby: Wear a "I Gave Blood Today" sticker to work - all day long people will come up to you "Great job!", "Good for you!", etc - it's a great feeling and a lot of fun.
It must be February 20th, 2006
Today’s blog is dedicated to all you airport workers who stand all day long putting boarding passes through that machine and saying over and over “Thank you enjoy your flight….thank you, enjoy your flight, thank you enjoy your flight, thank you enjoy…."
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I wonder if a saltwater fish gets a cut, and you rubbed fresh water on it, would it burn?
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Things that make the Monkey laugh: When the TV shows do one of those “call in YOUR opinion” things, and viewers can call in and vote with “Yes”, “No”, or “Unsure”. Who the fuck are you people that spend time and waste money calling in to say “Duh, I don’t know”!?
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In the movies, someone will often stick someone else’s head into a toilet and hold it under. (Sometimes they’ll flush the toilet while they do this) It’s usually some guy that won’t talk. I always feel sorry for that guy. No, not the asshole that won’t talk and has his head in the toilet, but for that poor little cameraman who has to climb down into a TOILET and film to earn his paycheck.
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Monkey’s “Name the song/artist” Game: “"This is the United States calling." "Are we reaching?" (click) "See he keeps hanging up."
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There’s not a guy alive who’s not had THIS fantasy, I guarantee it: You’re on a long airplane flight, a redeye, sitting in the back row, and the few people that ARE on the flight are fast asleep. But the hot young flight attendant is wide awake and eyeing you. You call her back and ask her for a blanket and within 1.342 seconds she’s sucking you off, and for the next 40 minutes the only thing you see is the overhead light reflecting off of her pretty blonde hair as her head bobs up and down.
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They say today that a person’s attention span is only like 3-5 seconds long, but I think that
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I think it would suck if you were going at it hard with a hot lady and you said to her “Tell me – ‘fuck me baby’” and she started moaning and screaming “fuck me baby!” – but you really didn’t want her to say the “baby” part – just the “fuck me” – but she misunderstood your “Tell me – ‘fuck me baby’” – you were just calling her baby. English can be a tough language to master.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "My mother always reminds me how old I am and that I should act my age. But then she treats me like a five-year old everytime. This annoys me and I think one day it will drive me insane." (Come on, you're only six - calm down - Monkey)
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I wonder if a saltwater fish gets a cut, and you rubbed fresh water on it, would it burn?
-------------------
Things that make the Monkey laugh: When the TV shows do one of those “call in YOUR opinion” things, and viewers can call in and vote with “Yes”, “No”, or “Unsure”. Who the fuck are you people that spend time and waste money calling in to say “Duh, I don’t know”!?
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In the movies, someone will often stick someone else’s head into a toilet and hold it under. (Sometimes they’ll flush the toilet while they do this) It’s usually some guy that won’t talk. I always feel sorry for that guy. No, not the asshole that won’t talk and has his head in the toilet, but for that poor little cameraman who has to climb down into a TOILET and film to earn his paycheck.
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Monkey’s “Name the song/artist” Game: “"This is the United States calling." "Are we reaching?" (click) "See he keeps hanging up."
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There’s not a guy alive who’s not had THIS fantasy, I guarantee it: You’re on a long airplane flight, a redeye, sitting in the back row, and the few people that ARE on the flight are fast asleep. But the hot young flight attendant is wide awake and eyeing you. You call her back and ask her for a blanket and within 1.342 seconds she’s sucking you off, and for the next 40 minutes the only thing you see is the overhead light reflecting off of her pretty blonde hair as her head bobs up and down.
--------------------
They say today that a person’s attention span is only like 3-5 seconds long, but I think that
--------------------
I think it would suck if you were going at it hard with a hot lady and you said to her “Tell me – ‘fuck me baby’” and she started moaning and screaming “fuck me baby!” – but you really didn’t want her to say the “baby” part – just the “fuck me” – but she misunderstood your “Tell me – ‘fuck me baby’” – you were just calling her baby. English can be a tough language to master.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "My mother always reminds me how old I am and that I should act my age. But then she treats me like a five-year old everytime. This annoys me and I think one day it will drive me insane." (Come on, you're only six - calm down - Monkey)
It's about February 16th, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to People's Court Judge Marilyn Milan - that woman's not only hot, but her mind is smart as a whip which makes her even hotter. Some new but some older stuff today - sorry.
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I don't know about you - but to me personally that commercial from careerbuilder.com - I'd LOVE to work in a place like that!!! (I wonder why?)
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Once again, I'm going to be rich - you see, the Director in Procurement Department with Petroleum Ministry in the U. A. E., Engineer Waheed Kamal, has emailed me about an URGENT matter: he's trying to get TONS of money out of his county, and he picked ME to help him do it!! I'm rich I'm RICH!!
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I think if you were a gang banger out on the streets and you continuously fucked up drive-by shootings because you forgot the window was rolled up like....every TIME they let you have the piece - pretty soon the other thugs might start to think less of you and maybe even shun you.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "If you think fat housewives are no good at sports - you've obviously never been to a tuesday night bowling league"
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Don't you hate it when you're standing on an elevator by yourself, bitching about how goddamned slow the thing is moving - and realize you you forgot to press a button and have just wasted 47 minutes?
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If I worked at a drive-thru on the intercom I'd tell people to "Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me.
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The Monkey re-writes old classic songs to make them more modern: "Squeeze Box" (The Who 1975).
New lyrics: "Mama's got an Xbox, Daddy never sleeps at night"
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Why is it that when using peer-to-peer downloading software, almost every search imaginable turns up some form of Brittany Spears? How does this happen? You could search for James Taylor and get:
Brittany Spears tits.mpg
Brittany Spears gangbanged in a 1998 John Deere 9510 Combine by 3 horny Iowa farmboys.jpg
Brittany Spears naked covered in grape jelly in hot lesbian action.jpg
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I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert. (I love him)
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I don't know about you - but to me personally that commercial from careerbuilder.com - I'd LOVE to work in a place like that!!! (I wonder why?)
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Once again, I'm going to be rich - you see, the Director in Procurement Department with Petroleum Ministry in the U. A. E., Engineer Waheed Kamal, has emailed me about an URGENT matter: he's trying to get TONS of money out of his county, and he picked ME to help him do it!! I'm rich I'm RICH!!
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I think if you were a gang banger out on the streets and you continuously fucked up drive-by shootings because you forgot the window was rolled up like....every TIME they let you have the piece - pretty soon the other thugs might start to think less of you and maybe even shun you.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "If you think fat housewives are no good at sports - you've obviously never been to a tuesday night bowling league"
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Don't you hate it when you're standing on an elevator by yourself, bitching about how goddamned slow the thing is moving - and realize you you forgot to press a button and have just wasted 47 minutes?
--------------------------------------------
If I worked at a drive-thru on the intercom I'd tell people to "Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me.
-------------------------------------------
The Monkey re-writes old classic songs to make them more modern: "Squeeze Box" (The Who 1975).
New lyrics: "Mama's got an Xbox, Daddy never sleeps at night"
--------------------------------------------
Why is it that when using peer-to-peer downloading software, almost every search imaginable turns up some form of Brittany Spears? How does this happen? You could search for James Taylor and get:
Brittany Spears tits.mpg
Brittany Spears gangbanged in a 1998 John Deere 9510 Combine by 3 horny Iowa farmboys.jpg
Brittany Spears naked covered in grape jelly in hot lesbian action.jpg
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I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert. (I love him)
The date is Valentine's Day
Today's blog is dedicated to Billy Redden. Who's he? Why he's the guy from Georgia who played the part of the redneck boy banjo player in "Deliverance" He's 47 now, lives in Georgia and is a dishwasher/cook. Also today we AGAIN dedicate the blog to Yaeger, and to all of you on Valentine's Day!
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The Monkey bitches: Okay why can't the Olympic figure skating chicks just lose the skirt!? It's always in the way of my favorite crotch shots! (Yes even WITH using freeze frame, slow-motion, etc) Come on people - I'm an official Olympic Ass-and-Crotch-shot Judge!
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Ya gotta love old folks - I do. This ancient old man friend says to my teenaged kids - "How are your marks?" - and I had to lean over and whisper a translation: "How are your GRADES in school....and don't you dare tell him the truth or you'll pay severely when we get home"
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Call me kinky, but I always wanted to fuck one of those older dog show judges! The way they move around that ring...those dresses they wear...their jewelry...those dresses...their attitudes - oh yeah - hot fuck. And how they know how to GENTLY lift those balls...mmm....
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Monkey Movie of the Day: "FARM KIDS" - (PG) a touching, well-done documentary that tells what it's like to grow up and to live in one of those tiny farm towns in America, the kind of town you barely slow down for along the interstate in Wyoming for. (2 hrs, 04 mins - Graphic sex scenes, graphic violence, mutilation scenes, drug use, sodomy)
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Remember when you could shop in America without getting asked these annoying questions at the register; "Do you have an Albertsons Card?", "Do you have a Preferred Shopper Card?" "Do you have our "Loyal Customer Card?" FUCK OFF with your stupid card questions! (Besides, all ya gotta do is give 'em "the look" and smile and say "Damn I think it's in my car!" and they melt and swipe their own fancy-smancy all-powerful "Cashier's Friend" cards and you get the discount anyway. (Monkey has powers.)
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The Monkey is so immature. How immature is he? He's so immature he actually laughed while watching the Westminster Dog Show because the announcer said "The toy must be under 10 inches"
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The Monkey bitches: Okay why can't the Olympic figure skating chicks just lose the skirt!? It's always in the way of my favorite crotch shots! (Yes even WITH using freeze frame, slow-motion, etc) Come on people - I'm an official Olympic Ass-and-Crotch-shot Judge!
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Ya gotta love old folks - I do. This ancient old man friend says to my teenaged kids - "How are your marks?" - and I had to lean over and whisper a translation: "How are your GRADES in school....and don't you dare tell him the truth or you'll pay severely when we get home"
-----------------------------
Call me kinky, but I always wanted to fuck one of those older dog show judges! The way they move around that ring...those dresses they wear...their jewelry...those dresses...their attitudes - oh yeah - hot fuck. And how they know how to GENTLY lift those balls...mmm....
-----------------------------
Monkey Movie of the Day: "FARM KIDS" - (PG) a touching, well-done documentary that tells what it's like to grow up and to live in one of those tiny farm towns in America, the kind of town you barely slow down for along the interstate in Wyoming for. (2 hrs, 04 mins - Graphic sex scenes, graphic violence, mutilation scenes, drug use, sodomy)
-----------------------------
Remember when you could shop in America without getting asked these annoying questions at the register; "Do you have an Albertsons Card?", "Do you have a Preferred Shopper Card?" "Do you have our "Loyal Customer Card?" FUCK OFF with your stupid card questions! (Besides, all ya gotta do is give 'em "the look" and smile and say "Damn I think it's in my car!" and they melt and swipe their own fancy-smancy all-powerful "Cashier's Friend" cards and you get the discount anyway. (Monkey has powers.)
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The Monkey is so immature. How immature is he? He's so immature he actually laughed while watching the Westminster Dog Show because the announcer said "The toy must be under 10 inches"
Weekend Monkey Thoughts
This weekend blog is dedicated to that one guy I saw in the audience at the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics. You know the one - that one guy. Yeah. Him.
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These kids nowadays, they're not giving a shit about the environment at a younger and younger age. This morning on the way to work I saw a used diaper along the highway.
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If I worked in an office with only four employees, I'd sneak into the bathroom every now and again and leave a big huge turd in the toilet, unflushed, with an empty bag of Doritos on the floor. None of the four of us would claim to have done it, and each would begin to suspect the other.
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If I had a nickel for every time I lost a tooth when I was a kid. Oh wait. I did . I think I saved it and bought some pot. Yeah, that's right, I did. Never mind the whole thing.
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The best part about living in cave man times would be that you could make up fucked up, fun reasons for why natural shit happens - 'cause back then they believed ANY damned thing (except that other cave men would purposely make up fucked up, fun reasons for why natural shit happens.)
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If you were a wife fish, and bitched at your husband for not drinking enough water - you'd pretty much just be a nagging bitch of a wife.
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If you were a jelly fish and you were trying to impress the other jelly fish by juggling ONE sea urchin ball, I don't think they'd be that impressed. Fuckin' loser.
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If I were one of those speed-skater guys, if I knew some clown was "drafting" on me, I'd fart. That'd stop his sneaking fuckin' "draft" technique
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Fun Monkey Hobby: In a restaurant, wait until someone goes into the bathroom, then go up and pound frantically on the bathroom door - then quickly go back to your seat. They'll come out of the bathroom and glance around with a really cool "Okay who was the fuckhead!?" look on their face. Priceless
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Also priceless to me: Something you just can't put a monetary value on.
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Speaking of the Olympics, I just GOTTA root for that West German Luge guy - whatever the fuck his name is - his nickname is “The Flying White Sausage” - he’s my new hero - dude - that nickname rocks!
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These kids nowadays, they're not giving a shit about the environment at a younger and younger age. This morning on the way to work I saw a used diaper along the highway.
-----------------------------
If I worked in an office with only four employees, I'd sneak into the bathroom every now and again and leave a big huge turd in the toilet, unflushed, with an empty bag of Doritos on the floor. None of the four of us would claim to have done it, and each would begin to suspect the other.
-----------------------------
If I had a nickel for every time I lost a tooth when I was a kid. Oh wait. I did . I think I saved it and bought some pot. Yeah, that's right, I did. Never mind the whole thing.
-----------------------------
The best part about living in cave man times would be that you could make up fucked up, fun reasons for why natural shit happens - 'cause back then they believed ANY damned thing (except that other cave men would purposely make up fucked up, fun reasons for why natural shit happens.)
------------------------------
If you were a wife fish, and bitched at your husband for not drinking enough water - you'd pretty much just be a nagging bitch of a wife.
------------------------------
If you were a jelly fish and you were trying to impress the other jelly fish by juggling ONE sea urchin ball, I don't think they'd be that impressed. Fuckin' loser.
------------------------------
If I were one of those speed-skater guys, if I knew some clown was "drafting" on me, I'd fart. That'd stop his sneaking fuckin' "draft" technique
-------------------------------
Fun Monkey Hobby: In a restaurant, wait until someone goes into the bathroom, then go up and pound frantically on the bathroom door - then quickly go back to your seat. They'll come out of the bathroom and glance around with a really cool "Okay who was the fuckhead!?" look on their face. Priceless
-------------------------------
Also priceless to me: Something you just can't put a monetary value on.
--------------------------------
Speaking of the Olympics, I just GOTTA root for that West German Luge guy - whatever the fuck his name is - his nickname is “The Flying White Sausage” - he’s my new hero - dude - that nickname rocks!
It's damned-near February the 10th, 2006
This one's dedicated to Lauren Holly. Holy freakin' shit.
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If I'm ever taken captive, abducted by aliens, and they take me up on their spaceship to do "tests" I've already mapped out a plan - I'm going to politely ask if I may use their bathroom, they'll of course let me, and while in there, I'd find a toilet where some slob alien bastard had taken a dump and not flushed it, I'd reach into that toilet and take a finger full of the alien's poop and rub it on my Monkey backside - gross? Yes. Very. And. Sick. But I'd have the last laugh because when they did their infamous "anal probe" on me they'd get readings saying we were of the SAME GENETIC MAKEUP - and they'd HAVE to let me go!
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The Monkey thinks a great job would be to be an old time jazz musician playing every night in a jazz club, getting fucked up but still being able to play well, to have that beautiful of a raw talent, to be making music, beautiful music, music that would truly make bored, sad, every day people happy, even if for ONE night, and watching them in the bar lights smiling every night and knowing that it was ME that was making people happy out there.
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The Monkey also thinks it'd be great to be a pirate, and to spend your days boarding ships with a knife in my mouth, and once on board I'd spend hours gleefully raping, maiming, and killing, drinking rum, slashing men's throats and feeling the warm blood flow down my arms.
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(So I've decided if I combine the two dream jobs - I want to be a pirate, who at night is a jazz musician.)
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I believe that the "landing strip" style of women shaving their pussies is for a REASON - the reason - best of both worlds. And when you finally stop eating her and your chin/nose is dripping wet you can conveniently wipe off what you can't lick off on that pretty landing-strip bush on your way back up her body. again.
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Okay I'm calm now
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I thought I did really, really well on a crossword puzzle one day in the newspaper. I did it in 3 MON just like the answer's "solution time" said! (I celebrated until I looked closer and realized they were saying "3 MIN")
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If I'm ever taken captive, abducted by aliens, and they take me up on their spaceship to do "tests" I've already mapped out a plan - I'm going to politely ask if I may use their bathroom, they'll of course let me, and while in there, I'd find a toilet where some slob alien bastard had taken a dump and not flushed it, I'd reach into that toilet and take a finger full of the alien's poop and rub it on my Monkey backside - gross? Yes. Very. And. Sick. But I'd have the last laugh because when they did their infamous "anal probe" on me they'd get readings saying we were of the SAME GENETIC MAKEUP - and they'd HAVE to let me go!
-------------------------------------
The Monkey thinks a great job would be to be an old time jazz musician playing every night in a jazz club, getting fucked up but still being able to play well, to have that beautiful of a raw talent, to be making music, beautiful music, music that would truly make bored, sad, every day people happy, even if for ONE night, and watching them in the bar lights smiling every night and knowing that it was ME that was making people happy out there.
--------------------------------------
The Monkey also thinks it'd be great to be a pirate, and to spend your days boarding ships with a knife in my mouth, and once on board I'd spend hours gleefully raping, maiming, and killing, drinking rum, slashing men's throats and feeling the warm blood flow down my arms.
---------------------------------------------
(So I've decided if I combine the two dream jobs - I want to be a pirate, who at night is a jazz musician.)
---------------------------------------------
I believe that the "landing strip" style of women shaving their pussies is for a REASON - the reason - best of both worlds. And when you finally stop eating her and your chin/nose is dripping wet you can conveniently wipe off what you can't lick off on that pretty landing-strip bush on your way back up her body. again.
---------------------------------------------
Okay I'm calm now
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I thought I did really, really well on a crossword puzzle one day in the newspaper. I did it in 3 MON just like the answer's "solution time" said! (I celebrated until I looked closer and realized they were saying "3 MIN")
Some folks think it's 02/08/06
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Jennie Jerome Churchill, not only the mother of one of the greatest statesman in the world, but a fascinating woman in her own right.
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Why is it missing persons are always found in "a shallow grave" somewhere? You can kill someone, chop them up, drive them somewhere in your trunk - and then you're too lazy to dig more than a "shallow grave"?! Lazy ass murderers.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I masterbate to much" (To much WHAT!? Don't keep us in suspense! - Monkey)
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I think if you went to Arkansas - if you told someone they were "lying through your teeth", you'd not only be calling them a liar but you'd be making fun of them.
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If you live in an apartment and the guy upstairs was playing his music too loud, you could knock on the roof with a broomstick, but an even better way to get the music to stop would be to set your own apartment on fire - sure you'd lose everything, and it takes several minutes, but you could go back to sleep knowing the music would stop within minutes.
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I hate when I'm going down a dirt road in my car and a bird flies up in front of me - and it keeps flying in front of me - right in front of my windshield, and I begin to think I'm following the bird, and I forget who's following who, and the bird turns off into the woods and I follow it and end up smashing into a tree and my car explodes and they have to cut me out of the wreckage with the Jaws of Life and amputate my left leg, right eyeball and left testicle to do it.
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I think it's a good thing Batman is a super hero and not a regular guy, because if he were a regular guy he might look at that powerful light of his that sends the bat signal up into the night sky and think that maybe he could use that light and it's huge watts as a grow light to grow some wicked chronic.
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---------------------------------------------
Why is it missing persons are always found in "a shallow grave" somewhere? You can kill someone, chop them up, drive them somewhere in your trunk - and then you're too lazy to dig more than a "shallow grave"?! Lazy ass murderers.
---------------------------------------------
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I masterbate to much" (To much WHAT!? Don't keep us in suspense! - Monkey)
----------------------------------------
I think if you went to Arkansas - if you told someone they were "lying through your teeth", you'd not only be calling them a liar but you'd be making fun of them.
-----------------------------------------
If you live in an apartment and the guy upstairs was playing his music too loud, you could knock on the roof with a broomstick, but an even better way to get the music to stop would be to set your own apartment on fire - sure you'd lose everything, and it takes several minutes, but you could go back to sleep knowing the music would stop within minutes.
-----------------------------------------
I hate when I'm going down a dirt road in my car and a bird flies up in front of me - and it keeps flying in front of me - right in front of my windshield, and I begin to think I'm following the bird, and I forget who's following who, and the bird turns off into the woods and I follow it and end up smashing into a tree and my car explodes and they have to cut me out of the wreckage with the Jaws of Life and amputate my left leg, right eyeball and left testicle to do it.
-----------------------------------------
I think it's a good thing Batman is a super hero and not a regular guy, because if he were a regular guy he might look at that powerful light of his that sends the bat signal up into the night sky and think that maybe he could use that light and it's huge watts as a grow light to grow some wicked chronic.
02/07/06 I think.
Today's blog is dedicated to Bettie Page. I've been swamped at work recently and apologize for the lack of posts - I'm now more available and Monkey thoughts are starting to flow again. Hey we're going to go over 100K visiters!!! A couple new, and mostly old today.
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a Type 3 Aminio Acid, and your Mother was very overweight, and all your friends had to rub it in and say "Your Mama's a Type 3 Fatty Amino Acid!!" You'd probably cry.
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Okay that last one was lame.
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Some women don't like tihs joke for some reason but kids and men (same thing) think it's hilarious:
Q: Why do women put on make-up and wear perfume?
A: Because they're ugly, and they stink.
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One of my favorite superheros is "The Thing" - you know him, he's orange colored and made of rock - and, like all good superheros, he wears pants - blue pants. I can't help but wonder - is The Thing's "thing" usually hard as a rock? Does he get a "woody"? When his johnson isn't "hard" then what the fuck is it?
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Fun Monkey Game idea:
Go into a WalMart very late at night by yourself and buy three unusual combinations of things to mess with the cashier - but I don't have the nerve to do it. Here's some ideas to get YOU started. (Yeah YOU do it and report back here with results):
1) Buy a big jar of Vaseline, a Penthouse magazine, and a curling iron.
2) 17 bottles of baby oil, 14 cans of refried beans, and a big sheet of black plastic.
3) 7 tubes of KY-Jelly, some rubber gloves and a lobster
4) A wig, a flashlight, some rope, and one crowbar. (okay that was 4 items - sorry)
5) A package of grapes, some string, and a jar of vaseline
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The Monkey predicts that in the future we'll be able to complain to our grandkids when we take them to the movies: "Why back in MY day - we only paid $7.00 for a large bucket of popcorn - you kids nowadays actually pay $37.00 for popcorn!? That's an outrage!"
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea Of The Day: "Brain Man" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of a man with a rare disorder that causes him to crave human brains. Follow his touching story as he begs for just a taste of human brain at mortuaries across the country, or as he listens on his scanner for reports of highway accidents. Race along with him as he speeds to the scene of the accident in the hopes of finding some tasty brain tissue. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing BRAIN MAN. (2 hrs, 04 min, black & white)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I have been saving my fingernail and toenail clippings for years. I have a huge garbage bag full of them. Am I a freak? "
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a Type 3 Aminio Acid, and your Mother was very overweight, and all your friends had to rub it in and say "Your Mama's a Type 3 Fatty Amino Acid!!" You'd probably cry.
-----------------------------------
Okay that last one was lame.
-----------------------------------
Some women don't like tihs joke for some reason but kids and men (same thing) think it's hilarious:
Q: Why do women put on make-up and wear perfume?
A: Because they're ugly, and they stink.
-----------------------------------
One of my favorite superheros is "The Thing" - you know him, he's orange colored and made of rock - and, like all good superheros, he wears pants - blue pants. I can't help but wonder - is The Thing's "thing" usually hard as a rock? Does he get a "woody"? When his johnson isn't "hard" then what the fuck is it?
----------------------------------
Fun Monkey Game idea:
Go into a WalMart very late at night by yourself and buy three unusual combinations of things to mess with the cashier - but I don't have the nerve to do it. Here's some ideas to get YOU started. (Yeah YOU do it and report back here with results):
1) Buy a big jar of Vaseline, a Penthouse magazine, and a curling iron.
2) 17 bottles of baby oil, 14 cans of refried beans, and a big sheet of black plastic.
3) 7 tubes of KY-Jelly, some rubber gloves and a lobster
4) A wig, a flashlight, some rope, and one crowbar. (okay that was 4 items - sorry)
5) A package of grapes, some string, and a jar of vaseline
---------------------------------
The Monkey predicts that in the future we'll be able to complain to our grandkids when we take them to the movies: "Why back in MY day - we only paid $7.00 for a large bucket of popcorn - you kids nowadays actually pay $37.00 for popcorn!? That's an outrage!"
-----------------------------------
If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
------------------------------------
Silly Monkey Movie Idea Of The Day: "Brain Man" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of a man with a rare disorder that causes him to crave human brains. Follow his touching story as he begs for just a taste of human brain at mortuaries across the country, or as he listens on his scanner for reports of highway accidents. Race along with him as he speeds to the scene of the accident in the hopes of finding some tasty brain tissue. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing BRAIN MAN. (2 hrs, 04 min, black & white)
-----------------------------------
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I have been saving my fingernail and toenail clippings for years. I have a huge garbage bag full of them. Am I a freak? "
Today seems like it's February the first, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to that guy at the end of the bar who looks like he wants to stab everyone. Are there repeats in here? Maybe a couple. Deal with it.
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I think the cops down at the jail would think it was pretty funny if you had one of those Monopoly "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" cards in your wallet and presented it upon beign booked in - they may even laugh so hard they would let you go. THIS TIME.
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I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cavewoman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!
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Monkey Tip of the Day: If you're a poor boy and can't afford Sea Monkeys, I'm thinking maybe some sperm in a jar of water? Would that be just as fun? And if those die, you can always add more - there's an endless supply!
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Sign you may be in a VERY dirty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it with a finger dipped in human shit!
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If you were a cat and you work in a kitty litter factory making kitty litter - when you had to go to the bathroom - what would you do? Would you just pee or poop on the floor? Is that allowed or not!?
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------------------------------
I think the cops down at the jail would think it was pretty funny if you had one of those Monopoly "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" cards in your wallet and presented it upon beign booked in - they may even laugh so hard they would let you go. THIS TIME.
-------------------------------
I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cavewoman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!
-------------------------------
Monkey Tip of the Day: If you're a poor boy and can't afford Sea Monkeys, I'm thinking maybe some sperm in a jar of water? Would that be just as fun? And if those die, you can always add more - there's an endless supply!
-------------------------------
Sign you may be in a VERY dirty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it with a finger dipped in human shit!
-------------------------------
If you were a cat and you work in a kitty litter factory making kitty litter - when you had to go to the bathroom - what would you do? Would you just pee or poop on the floor? Is that allowed or not!?
