The
Monkey Cage9 out of 10 dentists think today is January 31rst, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to the beautiful memory of Carole Lombard - that was one rockin' lady.
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Did you hate when you were in the bathroom when you were a kid, and you were playing with yourself and you were JUST on the edge of coming and your freakin' MOTHER bams on the door - "What are you DOING in there!!!" she screams. Jeez.
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Things the Monkey ponders... I miss "dust bunnies", aka "ghost turds"; when I was a kid - there seemed to be lots of 'em....I don't see them anymore. Where have they gone - or better yet - WHY have they gone?
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Fun Monkey Hobby: To call the automated UPS Delivery-Mailing system and fuck with the computerized auto-response lady. I tell her to suck my dick and she'll sound very concerned: "I'm sorry, I do not understand you - please repeat" - and I'll say "Oh you underSTAND me alright my cum-hungry nasty little slut! You UNDERSTAND you want my purple-helmeted warrier of love in your hot slutty little mouth" - but then I hang up quickly because she'll usually say "I still do not understand - please hold while we transfer you to a live operator. This call may be monitored for training purposes"
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Monkey Movie idea of the Day: Monkey Stuidios Inc. presents a new comedy: "JAIL SWITCH" (PG-17) When Carl (Jim Carrey) enters a maximum prison, he decides to stay alive he'll pretend to be a Muslim on Mondays, an Aryan Brotherhood on Tuesdays, a Mexican Mafia on Wednesdays, a dyke on Thursdays, a fag on Fridays, a Crip on Saturdays, and a Blood on Sundays! The New York Times is already calling this movie "Carry's best movie to date - bar none - Director Monkey is king of directors"
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "If there's one thing drunks are scared of - it's that they KNOW when they have a headlight out you just CAN'T drive. That's just BEGGING a cop to pull you over!"
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Did you hate when you were in the bathroom when you were a kid, and you were playing with yourself and you were JUST on the edge of coming and your freakin' MOTHER bams on the door - "What are you DOING in there!!!" she screams. Jeez.
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Things the Monkey ponders... I miss "dust bunnies", aka "ghost turds"; when I was a kid - there seemed to be lots of 'em....I don't see them anymore. Where have they gone - or better yet - WHY have they gone?
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Fun Monkey Hobby: To call the automated UPS Delivery-Mailing system and fuck with the computerized auto-response lady. I tell her to suck my dick and she'll sound very concerned: "I'm sorry, I do not understand you - please repeat" - and I'll say "Oh you underSTAND me alright my cum-hungry nasty little slut! You UNDERSTAND you want my purple-helmeted warrier of love in your hot slutty little mouth" - but then I hang up quickly because she'll usually say "I still do not understand - please hold while we transfer you to a live operator. This call may be monitored for training purposes"
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Monkey Movie idea of the Day: Monkey Stuidios Inc. presents a new comedy: "JAIL SWITCH" (PG-17) When Carl (Jim Carrey) enters a maximum prison, he decides to stay alive he'll pretend to be a Muslim on Mondays, an Aryan Brotherhood on Tuesdays, a Mexican Mafia on Wednesdays, a dyke on Thursdays, a fag on Fridays, a Crip on Saturdays, and a Blood on Sundays! The New York Times is already calling this movie "Carry's best movie to date - bar none - Director Monkey is king of directors"
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "If there's one thing drunks are scared of - it's that they KNOW when they have a headlight out you just CAN'T drive. That's just BEGGING a cop to pull you over!"
Some Weekend Monkey Thoughts
Today's blog is dedicated to memory of the 29 men who died on the S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald on November 10th, 1975. (Yes, you know the song, by Gordon Lightfoot) ONE repeat today!
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If I had a store, I'd have one door going into it , with a sign on that door reading "Please use other door"
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I saw another girl the other day with her hair dyed pink - this fucks up the Monkey - because I LOVE me some cotton candy, and I love to eat pussy - and so I think about this girl perhaps having a beautiful pink cotton candy bush...and she's wet....with beautiful little moisture drops in her pink cotton-candy bush.....
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If I ran a restaurant, I'd bring plates to the tables, with the warning: "Careful, these plates are very hot" I'd have heated the plates in an oven until they were around 1,372 degrees Fahrenheit - and I'd watch from the kitchen and giggle when the patrons attempted to get the plates.
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And in MY restaurant, I'd feature as entertainment Japanese bag pipe players, because I've never met or heard one, so probably my patrons haven't either and they may enjoy it.
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If I had a store, I'd have one door going into it , with a sign on that door reading "Please use other door"
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I saw another girl the other day with her hair dyed pink - this fucks up the Monkey - because I LOVE me some cotton candy, and I love to eat pussy - and so I think about this girl perhaps having a beautiful pink cotton candy bush...and she's wet....with beautiful little moisture drops in her pink cotton-candy bush.....
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If I ran a restaurant, I'd bring plates to the tables, with the warning: "Careful, these plates are very hot" I'd have heated the plates in an oven until they were around 1,372 degrees Fahrenheit - and I'd watch from the kitchen and giggle when the patrons attempted to get the plates.
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And in MY restaurant, I'd feature as entertainment Japanese bag pipe players, because I've never met or heard one, so probably my patrons haven't either and they may enjoy it.
Today seems like January 26th, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to Ava Gardner. (Again)
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I think instead of crosses along our nations highways and roads to mark where someone was killed, there should instead be signs that say "FUCK!!!" - because that's probably a lot of people's last words.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Monkey Studios, Inc. Presents "Teachers Work Day" (PG-17) Ever wonder what goes on in schools when the kids are off for the day and the teachers have their "In School Work Day"? This movie follows just one of those days. Starring Angelina Jolie (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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I think it would suck if you had an average-to-small-sized willy, but because of the way your head was shaped when you were born, your parents thought it would be funny to name you: Charles "The Cumcumber" Wilson. Women would be excited and then later disappointd and your life would suck and you may even curse your parents for the stupid middle name.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I just called jacob a fuck-face...I didn't really mean it though." (Well don't tell US - go apologize to fuck-face Jacob and pray he forgives you!! - Monkey)
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I'd like to see a road that is built (for fun of course) - with a sign that warns "Road Narrows" - with thick trees on both sides of the road, I'd like to see the road actually start to narrow down until it disappears. I think it would be great fun - sure folks would be angry about it at first when their cars get crushed between trees - but later I think they'd have a good chuckle about it.
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Things the Monkey stays awake worrying about: Back in the day, before carpet even existed - if you got into trouble at work one day, and later, when you got home, you told your wife "I got into severe trouble today - I got called on the carpet" - and she'd say "What the fuck!? Called on the what!? Huh?"
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I think instead of crosses along our nations highways and roads to mark where someone was killed, there should instead be signs that say "FUCK!!!" - because that's probably a lot of people's last words.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Monkey Studios, Inc. Presents "Teachers Work Day" (PG-17) Ever wonder what goes on in schools when the kids are off for the day and the teachers have their "In School Work Day"? This movie follows just one of those days. Starring Angelina Jolie (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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I think it would suck if you had an average-to-small-sized willy, but because of the way your head was shaped when you were born, your parents thought it would be funny to name you: Charles "The Cumcumber" Wilson. Women would be excited and then later disappointd and your life would suck and you may even curse your parents for the stupid middle name.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I just called jacob a fuck-face...I didn't really mean it though." (Well don't tell US - go apologize to fuck-face Jacob and pray he forgives you!! - Monkey)
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I'd like to see a road that is built (for fun of course) - with a sign that warns "Road Narrows" - with thick trees on both sides of the road, I'd like to see the road actually start to narrow down until it disappears. I think it would be great fun - sure folks would be angry about it at first when their cars get crushed between trees - but later I think they'd have a good chuckle about it.
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Things the Monkey stays awake worrying about: Back in the day, before carpet even existed - if you got into trouble at work one day, and later, when you got home, you told your wife "I got into severe trouble today - I got called on the carpet" - and she'd say "What the fuck!? Called on the what!? Huh?"
Today seems like it must be January 24th, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to that guy in the Pink Floyd song "HEY YOU" - the guy who is "out there beyond the wall, breaking bottles in the hall" You gotta love people that are out there in the hall breaking bottles. (Unless you walk around barefoot a lot)Could there be a few repeats in today's post? Only the old-timer Monkey Cage readers can say for sure.
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If I were a prisoner I think it would be funny if when the guard walks down the line, if I took a handful of warm water from my cell sink, and run up and toss the warm water in his face. He'd of course get pissed off, thinking I threw sperm or urine in his face, and he'd open my cell and beat the living shit out of me, but I'd have the last laugh - 'cause I'd know it was really only warm water!
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"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Visa payment this month is late?" I used to answer with what they want to hear: "It was on oversight, sorry, I'll mail it tomorrow" Fuck that - I've learned I have much more fun with something like:
"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Ford payment this month is late?"
"It's late because I'm a slacker...I could've mailed it Wednesday night, but was too tired after work to fuck with it. And then Thursday night I ended up going over to the bar and knocking back some Yaeger shots and when I got home I was a bit too wasted to sit down with the bills. Friday night I was fucking around reading blogs and found a little surprise herb in a drawer I didn't know I had, smoked that and watched the History Channel and fell asleep early...and then...."
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My first thought of today upon waking was a vision, a vision of a beautiful lady wearing a small white dress with red polka-dots, and she's got heels on and white thigh-high stockings, and she's sitting on a couch with her arms wrapped around her knees and she's got a nice beautiful wet trimmed beaver that I'm about to devour.
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If I were a Swordfish in the deep blue sea, I'd be tempted to go around yelling "Engarde!" and the other fish would hate my guts in no time. I'd also "accidently" run into other fish with my big cool swordlike nose.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "i wish my girlfriend wore thongs like she used to." (How does she wear them now? - Monkey)
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I think pirates would be pretty upset with you if they were making you walk the plank because you were a sissy, and while on the plank some of your high beam gymnastics training came back to you and you did a switch leg leap, followed by a pirouette, and then a double twisting straight backwards somersault.
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If I were a prisoner I think it would be funny if when the guard walks down the line, if I took a handful of warm water from my cell sink, and run up and toss the warm water in his face. He'd of course get pissed off, thinking I threw sperm or urine in his face, and he'd open my cell and beat the living shit out of me, but I'd have the last laugh - 'cause I'd know it was really only warm water!
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"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Visa payment this month is late?" I used to answer with what they want to hear: "It was on oversight, sorry, I'll mail it tomorrow" Fuck that - I've learned I have much more fun with something like:
"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Ford payment this month is late?"
"It's late because I'm a slacker...I could've mailed it Wednesday night, but was too tired after work to fuck with it. And then Thursday night I ended up going over to the bar and knocking back some Yaeger shots and when I got home I was a bit too wasted to sit down with the bills. Friday night I was fucking around reading blogs and found a little surprise herb in a drawer I didn't know I had, smoked that and watched the History Channel and fell asleep early...and then...."
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My first thought of today upon waking was a vision, a vision of a beautiful lady wearing a small white dress with red polka-dots, and she's got heels on and white thigh-high stockings, and she's sitting on a couch with her arms wrapped around her knees and she's got a nice beautiful wet trimmed beaver that I'm about to devour.
--------------------------------------------------
If I were a Swordfish in the deep blue sea, I'd be tempted to go around yelling "Engarde!" and the other fish would hate my guts in no time. I'd also "accidently" run into other fish with my big cool swordlike nose.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "i wish my girlfriend wore thongs like she used to." (How does she wear them now? - Monkey)
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I think pirates would be pretty upset with you if they were making you walk the plank because you were a sissy, and while on the plank some of your high beam gymnastics training came back to you and you did a switch leg leap, followed by a pirouette, and then a double twisting straight backwards somersault.
Looks like it's January 20th, 2006
Today's blog is dedicated to Kate Moss and the fun we had last night. Thanks Kate for stopping by to visit the monkey, and for spanking the Monkey.
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I think it would suck if you were a caveman and you had your cavewoman by the hair and were dragging her around the cave and she started complaining and saying she "felt this was domestic violence and was going to look for a shelter" I’d say to her “Ummrgh! Rummph! Ummga!!” (But she'd probably claim that was verbal abuse.)
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I think if I were a whale, I’d try and screw my girlfriend in her blow hole – I’ll bet it’s really tight and feels great and she may even like it.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I made that "WHEW!" noise in the Unplugged version of the song Layla, the one you hear a couple seconds after he says "Layla" for the first time in the song.”
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If I were a fire fighter and in a burning house, I think it would be a good time to go into the lady’s bedroom and snoop around in her panties – I’d try to sniff the ones in her dirty clothes but I’ll bet with all the smoke in there and my fire fighter’s mask I couldn’t smell much.
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Have you ever noticed that many signs are just there to take the fun away from life? On plastic bags: “Not a toy”. I saw on a dumpster: “Do not play in, on, or around this dumpster” Fuck off party poopers.
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So I’m on the phone with the Dish Network lady so she can validate my receiver, we’re waiting on the download and to make conversation I say “So where are you?” – and she says with an accent: “I’m sorry sir we’re not allowed to give that information” Well excuse the fuck out of me Dish Network you bastards! You hire foreigners to take American jobs and then have the balls to blatantly try and hide it?
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I think it would suck if you were in West Virginia and you were fucking your sister one night and then the next morning your mama told one of you to take out the trash and you and your sister got into a big fight about who had to do it and who did it last. It’d kind of be a bummer to fight with her after last night.
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I think it would suck if you were a caveman and you had your cavewoman by the hair and were dragging her around the cave and she started complaining and saying she "felt this was domestic violence and was going to look for a shelter" I’d say to her “Ummrgh! Rummph! Ummga!!” (But she'd probably claim that was verbal abuse.)
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I think if I were a whale, I’d try and screw my girlfriend in her blow hole – I’ll bet it’s really tight and feels great and she may even like it.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I made that "WHEW!" noise in the Unplugged version of the song Layla, the one you hear a couple seconds after he says "Layla" for the first time in the song.”
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If I were a fire fighter and in a burning house, I think it would be a good time to go into the lady’s bedroom and snoop around in her panties – I’d try to sniff the ones in her dirty clothes but I’ll bet with all the smoke in there and my fire fighter’s mask I couldn’t smell much.
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Have you ever noticed that many signs are just there to take the fun away from life? On plastic bags: “Not a toy”. I saw on a dumpster: “Do not play in, on, or around this dumpster” Fuck off party poopers.
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So I’m on the phone with the Dish Network lady so she can validate my receiver, we’re waiting on the download and to make conversation I say “So where are you?” – and she says with an accent: “I’m sorry sir we’re not allowed to give that information” Well excuse the fuck out of me Dish Network you bastards! You hire foreigners to take American jobs and then have the balls to blatantly try and hide it?
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I think it would suck if you were in West Virginia and you were fucking your sister one night and then the next morning your mama told one of you to take out the trash and you and your sister got into a big fight about who had to do it and who did it last. It’d kind of be a bummer to fight with her after last night.
It's 1/17/06 in most US States around the world
Today's blog is dedicated to Queen Rania of Jordan - wow!!! Most all-new stuff today with maybe two oldies.
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I think if you were someone's pet kitten in Korea and you discovered that your owners were putting MSG in your kitten chow you'd be mighty suspicious - and maybe even a little hurt.
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My dog thinks Mr. vacuum cleaner is some sort of great, powerful god. She cowers down when she hears it turn on, she will NEVER look directly at it - she refuses to make eye contact with it out of respect. She leaves each room Mr. Vacuum cleaner enters so as not to be in His way. He is Mr. Vacuum Cleaner, god of gods.
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The beer & alcohol commercials take the fun out of everything when they have to throw in that "Drink Responsibly" line. Jeez.
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It'd suck to be a referee and go into the Foot Locker to pick up something and the people in there keep asking you to go get them this size or that size shoe.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: That scary looking Burger King King. I'd stab him in the neck with a pitchfork in a New York minute.
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This one's for all my Hindi readers:
अदालत ने कहा कि बंदरों की वजह से अदालत के कामकाज पर काफ़ी असर पड़ रहा है और उन्हें तत्काल पकड़ा जाना ज़रूरी है.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "one time, i called a random number, and made retard noises at this lady, and all of a sudden she was like "jenny is that you? ARE YOU OK?" and i just kept making retard noises, and the lady said to someone in the background "get lynn!" they sounded so scared, i hope they were very relieved when they found out jenny was ok. "
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Don't you hate it when you accidentally drink a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®? It starts to hurt your stomach and burn a bit - and you think you're going to die - but there's good news right there on the bottle: "..MAY be fatal.." There's hope in that "MAY BE" phrase!!! It doesn't HAVE to be fatal!
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I think if you were someone's pet kitten in Korea and you discovered that your owners were putting MSG in your kitten chow you'd be mighty suspicious - and maybe even a little hurt.
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My dog thinks Mr. vacuum cleaner is some sort of great, powerful god. She cowers down when she hears it turn on, she will NEVER look directly at it - she refuses to make eye contact with it out of respect. She leaves each room Mr. Vacuum cleaner enters so as not to be in His way. He is Mr. Vacuum Cleaner, god of gods.
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The beer & alcohol commercials take the fun out of everything when they have to throw in that "Drink Responsibly" line. Jeez.
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It'd suck to be a referee and go into the Foot Locker to pick up something and the people in there keep asking you to go get them this size or that size shoe.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: That scary looking Burger King King. I'd stab him in the neck with a pitchfork in a New York minute.
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This one's for all my Hindi readers:
अदालत ने कहा कि बंदरों की वजह से अदालत के कामकाज पर काफ़ी असर पड़ रहा है और उन्हें तत्काल पकड़ा जाना ज़रूरी है.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "one time, i called a random number, and made retard noises at this lady, and all of a sudden she was like "jenny is that you? ARE YOU OK?" and i just kept making retard noises, and the lady said to someone in the background "get lynn!" they sounded so scared, i hope they were very relieved when they found out jenny was ok. "
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Don't you hate it when you accidentally drink a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®? It starts to hurt your stomach and burn a bit - and you think you're going to die - but there's good news right there on the bottle: "..MAY be fatal.." There's hope in that "MAY BE" phrase!!! It doesn't HAVE to be fatal!
Its' MLK day most everywhere.
Okay it's been officially one week since I quit smoking - I'm going to try and move on with my life, try and start blogging again daily - I gotta get my mind right.
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I tried to be technological saavy like everyone else and I got me a Blackberry. The very first time I tried to send a message on it I must have mashed it too hard and it burst open and stained my fingers.
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I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?
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Things that piss the Monkey off: Swiping credit cards; is it to be face up, magnetic stripe to the bottom? Or face down, magnetic stripe along the top, or fucking sideways!? Do I swipe it quickly or very slowly? Do I press "credit" or "charge" Arrrrh!!
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If I were a dog and my kinky master was putting peanut-butter on themselves to get me to lick them - I'd be very choosy and only do it if it were Jif - not Skippy, not Peter Pan, but Jif.
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Sign that your day is going to be a bad one: You're in the morning shower, and you have that nasty bloody nose from the dry winter air, and you do that blowing thing with your nose where you hold one nostril shut and blow out the other, and a bloody clot lands on your girlfriend/wife's back and she gets pissed.
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I tried to be technological saavy like everyone else and I got me a Blackberry. The very first time I tried to send a message on it I must have mashed it too hard and it burst open and stained my fingers.
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I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?
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Things that piss the Monkey off: Swiping credit cards; is it to be face up, magnetic stripe to the bottom? Or face down, magnetic stripe along the top, or fucking sideways!? Do I swipe it quickly or very slowly? Do I press "credit" or "charge" Arrrrh!!
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If I were a dog and my kinky master was putting peanut-butter on themselves to get me to lick them - I'd be very choosy and only do it if it were Jif - not Skippy, not Peter Pan, but Jif.
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Sign that your day is going to be a bad one: You're in the morning shower, and you have that nasty bloody nose from the dry winter air, and you do that blowing thing with your nose where you hold one nostril shut and blow out the other, and a bloody clot lands on your girlfriend/wife's back and she gets pissed.
Friday the 13th!
This quitting smoking business is just kicking my ass - but I'm doing it - I've been a non-smoker for three days now and intend to never smoke again. But it's sapped my energy and my sense of humor - I'm not even able to blog yet - I'm posting some old stuff and hope to be back to blogging again on Monday. Have a great weekend!
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"I get off on 57 Chevys.." - (Eric Clapton - I've Got a Rock And Roll Heart) Mr. Clapton: Do you have any idea how much that will damage a paint job?
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Older Saturday Morning cartoon watchers - Did anyone watch "Shazam!" when you were young? I admit - I did - and even as a kid I was suspicious of the entire situation - an older man traveling around with a MUCH younger "friend" in a winnebago. Come on now. But I sat through it - because after Shazam! came "Oh Mighty Isis!(isis isis isis)" - and wow - even as a young monkey she would give me an Oh Mighty Woody (woody woody woody..)!!
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My favorite confession for today from grouphug.us: " Once when I was in kindergarten there was a kermit the frog with bendy arms and legs. He was nice and new. I had an identical one at home but the tongue was all faded and light pink. So I brought the kermit from home one day and during naptime I switched them. I feel so guilty and when I told my parents years alter they made me feel terrible for it. I'm sorry."
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written in that mysterious and stupid language that spammers use in their emails:
June 24: organization application lies identification available Chinese though subtle
June 23: oldiering overlooks Toscanini unexplored amoebae
June 22: Saturday whistling faulting V*iagra
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I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
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Future Predictions by the Monkey: In the year 2023, a Nintendo Game Cube from 2004 will be worth $7,340.14 to collectors. By the year 2034 no one will eat ANY meat any more - it's just not safe. In the future not only will people stop keeping fish as pets because it will be learned that fish can't be trusted, but it will also be uncovered that Cocker Spaniels had been in cahoots with pet fish. I can't get into WHY or what happens - you have to trust me on this one - if you have pet fish AND Cocker Spaniels - be afraid.
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"I get off on 57 Chevys.." - (Eric Clapton - I've Got a Rock And Roll Heart) Mr. Clapton: Do you have any idea how much that will damage a paint job?
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Older Saturday Morning cartoon watchers - Did anyone watch "Shazam!" when you were young? I admit - I did - and even as a kid I was suspicious of the entire situation - an older man traveling around with a MUCH younger "friend" in a winnebago. Come on now. But I sat through it - because after Shazam! came "Oh Mighty Isis!(isis isis isis)" - and wow - even as a young monkey she would give me an Oh Mighty Woody (woody woody woody..)!!
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My favorite confession for today from grouphug.us: " Once when I was in kindergarten there was a kermit the frog with bendy arms and legs. He was nice and new. I had an identical one at home but the tongue was all faded and light pink. So I brought the kermit from home one day and during naptime I switched them. I feel so guilty and when I told my parents years alter they made me feel terrible for it. I'm sorry."
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written in that mysterious and stupid language that spammers use in their emails:
June 24: organization application lies identification available Chinese though subtle
June 23: oldiering overlooks Toscanini unexplored amoebae
June 22: Saturday whistling faulting V*iagra
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I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
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Future Predictions by the Monkey: In the year 2023, a Nintendo Game Cube from 2004 will be worth $7,340.14 to collectors. By the year 2034 no one will eat ANY meat any more - it's just not safe. In the future not only will people stop keeping fish as pets because it will be learned that fish can't be trusted, but it will also be uncovered that Cocker Spaniels had been in cahoots with pet fish. I can't get into WHY or what happens - you have to trust me on this one - if you have pet fish AND Cocker Spaniels - be afraid.
It's January the eleventh, 2 thousand and six
Today's blog is dedicated to Tom Petty - that guy could do some rocking. I'm on day two with no nicotine - please bear with me my mind isn't up to par and I want to stab people, only one new thing today and the rest repeats - bear with me until I come out of this - maybe by Monday.
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If I were the executioner, about to behead some poor fool with my huge axe, I'd purposely swing just a little high and take off most of their hair on top of their head. The audience might think it was funny, hell, even the person being beheaded might get a chuckle out of it - you've got to lighten things up sometimes.
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For my Monkey Cage Readers in China:
電腦與網際網路 網際網路, 聊天室, 軟體!!!! 網際網, 網際網網際網!
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Women are so strange - they think that "Do you mind taking the skin bus to tonsil-town tonight honey?" isn't romantic! Go figure!
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I think if you were a gangster and you were sent to whack someone and you actually hit them in the head with a rolled up newspaper with a huge loud WHACK sound that your boss may not be very amused, especially if they had to explain to you what whacking meant and make you go out and do it right.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her." (Jeez - picky picky picky!!! - Monkey)
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You know what word is just beautiful sounding - "Vulva" - it's pretty and conjures up nice images. For such a beautiful word how come we don't have more kids named Vulva? I've yet to meet ONE girl named Vulva!
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If I were the executioner, about to behead some poor fool with my huge axe, I'd purposely swing just a little high and take off most of their hair on top of their head. The audience might think it was funny, hell, even the person being beheaded might get a chuckle out of it - you've got to lighten things up sometimes.
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For my Monkey Cage Readers in China:
電腦與網際網路 網際網路, 聊天室, 軟體!!!! 網際網, 網際網網際網!
---------------------------------------------
Women are so strange - they think that "Do you mind taking the skin bus to tonsil-town tonight honey?" isn't romantic! Go figure!
---------------------------------------------
I think if you were a gangster and you were sent to whack someone and you actually hit them in the head with a rolled up newspaper with a huge loud WHACK sound that your boss may not be very amused, especially if they had to explain to you what whacking meant and make you go out and do it right.
---------------------------------------------
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her." (Jeez - picky picky picky!!! - Monkey)
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You know what word is just beautiful sounding - "Vulva" - it's pretty and conjures up nice images. For such a beautiful word how come we don't have more kids named Vulva? I've yet to meet ONE girl named Vulva!
01/10/06
Today's blog is dedicated to me - Monkey - who as of yesterday has given up cigarettes after 27 years of 'em. This time it's for real. I'm done with it. There's two new ones - the rest are repeats today.
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I was in a restaurant today, and went to the bathroom - I was about to wash my hands when I saw a sign above the sink: "Employees Must Wash Hands" - so I waited, and waited - no employee showed up - what a rip off - I had to wash my own hands.
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My favorite names I've heard for cattle; A lady up the street has one she calls it "Fred A. Steer", a friend tells me of one she had growing up "Sir Loin"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Devout Man" (R) - the touching true story of a man who goes to his local church, gets down on his knees to pray, has a heart attack, and dies in that position, but no one knows he's dead - they think he's praying. Watch as his family and friends leave him alone - watch as the preacher is impressed with this man's dedication and even leaves the light on at night in the church. Impressed but concerned, his family and other church members bring him food and water - but he is only interested in praying. (2 hrs, 20 min)
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Helpful Tip to Monkey-Cage readers: When you're a kid, humming or singing into a fan is a lot of fun and entertaining, but please don't let anyone catch you doing it when you're 39 years old.
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The other morning at Dairy Queen at the drive-through I got my friend a banana split:
Drive-thru foreign guy (yep - even in Montana): "Would jew like a leed for that spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive through guy: "Do you want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A lead?"
Drive through guy: "Do you want a COVER to put on the banana spleet!?"
Me; "OHHH! No - no thanks - no leed for it"
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---------------------------------------------
I was in a restaurant today, and went to the bathroom - I was about to wash my hands when I saw a sign above the sink: "Employees Must Wash Hands" - so I waited, and waited - no employee showed up - what a rip off - I had to wash my own hands.
---------------------------------------------
My favorite names I've heard for cattle; A lady up the street has one she calls it "Fred A. Steer", a friend tells me of one she had growing up "Sir Loin"
---------------------------------------------
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Devout Man" (R) - the touching true story of a man who goes to his local church, gets down on his knees to pray, has a heart attack, and dies in that position, but no one knows he's dead - they think he's praying. Watch as his family and friends leave him alone - watch as the preacher is impressed with this man's dedication and even leaves the light on at night in the church. Impressed but concerned, his family and other church members bring him food and water - but he is only interested in praying. (2 hrs, 20 min)
---------------------------------------------
Helpful Tip to Monkey-Cage readers: When you're a kid, humming or singing into a fan is a lot of fun and entertaining, but please don't let anyone catch you doing it when you're 39 years old.
---------------------------------------------
The other morning at Dairy Queen at the drive-through I got my friend a banana split:
Drive-thru foreign guy (yep - even in Montana): "Would jew like a leed for that spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive through guy: "Do you want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A lead?"
Drive through guy: "Do you want a COVER to put on the banana spleet!?"
Me; "OHHH! No - no thanks - no leed for it"
Weekend Monkey Thoughts
Today's weekend edition blog is dedicated to Michelle Pfieffer. (I promised her the other night I'd do a blog just for her - here ya go girl!)
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Wouldn't it just SUCK if you were black, but born with a very rare disease that made your entire buttocks white!? (Similar to the "disease" Michael Jackson has but only on your ass) It'd suck because you'd tell people - "Kiss my white ass" - and they'd be confused as hell They'd scratch their heads - "White ass!??" they'd say. And then you'd have to explain to them about your disease and you may cry.
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The gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain" - shouldn't it be "Broken-sphincter Mountain"?
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a caveman, and you were the local inventor - and all the other cavemen are pressuring you to invent the wheel, but instead you invented a Cisco 1700 Series modular and fixed-configuration access router? The other caveman would be scratching their heads and saying "Uhmmgh!...What the fuck is THIS!?!?"
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I bought a new phone the other day - this thing was OFF THE HOOK! So I took it back.
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Ahh Sunday. Sundays remind me of church, and when I think of church I think of being a horny teenaged monkey, stuck in church with my family, sometimes I'd have had a chance to hit my bong before church and I'd have a good buzz, and Communion was my favorite part of the Sunday service - because those hot older married babes would go up and kneel down for their communion, and they'd be wearing high heels, stockings....and when they knelt their asses looked SO nice in those skirts - I'd fantasize about doing them from behind..mmmm...there's nothing finer than a hot lady dressed to the nines on her knees...with her skirt pulled over her ass and those dark stockings and high heels. Church is good for the soul, especially if you're a teenager.
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Wouldn't it just SUCK if you were black, but born with a very rare disease that made your entire buttocks white!? (Similar to the "disease" Michael Jackson has but only on your ass) It'd suck because you'd tell people - "Kiss my white ass" - and they'd be confused as hell They'd scratch their heads - "White ass!??" they'd say. And then you'd have to explain to them about your disease and you may cry.
-----------------------------------------
The gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain" - shouldn't it be "Broken-sphincter Mountain"?
-----------------------------------------
Wouldn't it suck if you were a caveman, and you were the local inventor - and all the other cavemen are pressuring you to invent the wheel, but instead you invented a Cisco 1700 Series modular and fixed-configuration access router? The other caveman would be scratching their heads and saying "Uhmmgh!...What the fuck is THIS!?!?"
-----------------------------------------
I bought a new phone the other day - this thing was OFF THE HOOK! So I took it back.
-----------------------------------------
Ahh Sunday. Sundays remind me of church, and when I think of church I think of being a horny teenaged monkey, stuck in church with my family, sometimes I'd have had a chance to hit my bong before church and I'd have a good buzz, and Communion was my favorite part of the Sunday service - because those hot older married babes would go up and kneel down for their communion, and they'd be wearing high heels, stockings....and when they knelt their asses looked SO nice in those skirts - I'd fantasize about doing them from behind..mmmm...there's nothing finer than a hot lady dressed to the nines on her knees...with her skirt pulled over her ass and those dark stockings and high heels. Church is good for the soul, especially if you're a teenager.
They call today January the fith, two thousand and six.
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 12 miners who died in West Virginia. :-(
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So I get this computerized voice message on my phone from my credit card company: "This message is for Monkey, please press seven, otherwise press six" What the hell!? "..Otherwise press six"!?
So I pressed eight.
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Monkey Labs, Inc. is pleased to announce our latest invention. Our Automotive Safety Division of Monkey Labs has noticed that after a major car crash, many drivers sit for quite some time with an air bag smashed into their faces. Introducing an airbag containing not only an age-fighting moisturizing cream with papaya to keep your face youthful and fresh, with next generation antioxidants, but the airbag is also coated in a smooth exfoliating cream to remove dead skin cells, polish and energize the skin! Sure you may wake up in the ER Post Recovery room totally smashed to pieces, but you'll marvel at how nice your face looks and feels!
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I think a good part about having a friend named "Lee" would be that it would help you speak better english - when he was leaving your house you would say "Drive careful....Lee"
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There was a sign at my post office "No bikes, roller skates or skateboards on postal property" God knows we can't have people on postal property MOVING FAST now can we!?
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The Monkey Bitches: Why do elevator buttons have to be so fucking confusing!? "Ground Floor", "Main Floor", "Lobby" - why can't one of the buttons just read "Where you came in"!?!?
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My nightlight burned out - I didn't bother replacing the bulb - now it's a TRUE night light - because in the night - there's NO LIGHT!
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I think if you were a tight-rope walker, you'd have to really take care to remember to USE THE BATHROOM before you went out on that rope!!
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---------------------------------------------
So I get this computerized voice message on my phone from my credit card company: "This message is for Monkey, please press seven, otherwise press six" What the hell!? "..Otherwise press six"!?
So I pressed eight.
---------------------------------------------
Monkey Labs, Inc. is pleased to announce our latest invention. Our Automotive Safety Division of Monkey Labs has noticed that after a major car crash, many drivers sit for quite some time with an air bag smashed into their faces. Introducing an airbag containing not only an age-fighting moisturizing cream with papaya to keep your face youthful and fresh, with next generation antioxidants, but the airbag is also coated in a smooth exfoliating cream to remove dead skin cells, polish and energize the skin! Sure you may wake up in the ER Post Recovery room totally smashed to pieces, but you'll marvel at how nice your face looks and feels!
---------------------------------------------
I think a good part about having a friend named "Lee" would be that it would help you speak better english - when he was leaving your house you would say "Drive careful....Lee"
---------------------------------------------
There was a sign at my post office "No bikes, roller skates or skateboards on postal property" God knows we can't have people on postal property MOVING FAST now can we!?
---------------------------------------------
The Monkey Bitches: Why do elevator buttons have to be so fucking confusing!? "Ground Floor", "Main Floor", "Lobby" - why can't one of the buttons just read "Where you came in"!?!?
---------------------------------------------
My nightlight burned out - I didn't bother replacing the bulb - now it's a TRUE night light - because in the night - there's NO LIGHT!
---------------------------------------------
I think if you were a tight-rope walker, you'd have to really take care to remember to USE THE BATHROOM before you went out on that rope!!
January the fourth, two thousand and six
Today's blog is dedicated to the Wal*Mart employees who wear the blue vest that says on the back "How Can I help you"? and spend their time running away from shoppers who look like the may have a question. Work's getting me busy busy and so I am forced to do some oldies today.
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I want my obituary in the newspaper to read "Monkey died - See page 8B for more info" - and there'll BE no page 8B in the newspaper.
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Free Monkey Tip of the Day: If you have some leftover food, or some food you're not sure about how old it is - simply bring it to work and set it on the table in your breakroom. Pigs at work will eat anything! Try it - they'll eat ANYTHING!
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I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points - but there are actual rules and it really is some sort of strange "game".
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You've heard the calls at Wal-Mart over the intercom - "I need an associate in Gardening to call such-and-such" right? One day the Monkey heard one - the ultimate - I kid you not - "I need an associate in women's underwear to register seven please...an associate in women's underwear to register seven" I laughed until I stopped. Nobody around me in the store laughed (Why do I always laugh alone!?) - I think I"m the only one who "got" this.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I killed my dog once"
(With MOST dogs - killing them just once is enough - cats is a whole 'nother story - Monkey)
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There's a ranch here in Montana I drive by sometimes called "The Double D Ranch" - I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the lady out checking her mailbox but I never see her, I'll keep looking and report back here when I see her.
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If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
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I want my obituary in the newspaper to read "Monkey died - See page 8B for more info" - and there'll BE no page 8B in the newspaper.
-------------------------------------
Free Monkey Tip of the Day: If you have some leftover food, or some food you're not sure about how old it is - simply bring it to work and set it on the table in your breakroom. Pigs at work will eat anything! Try it - they'll eat ANYTHING!
-------------------------------------
I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points - but there are actual rules and it really is some sort of strange "game".
-------------------------------------
You've heard the calls at Wal-Mart over the intercom - "I need an associate in Gardening to call such-and-such" right? One day the Monkey heard one - the ultimate - I kid you not - "I need an associate in women's underwear to register seven please...an associate in women's underwear to register seven" I laughed until I stopped. Nobody around me in the store laughed (Why do I always laugh alone!?) - I think I"m the only one who "got" this.
-------------------------------------
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I killed my dog once"
(With MOST dogs - killing them just once is enough - cats is a whole 'nother story - Monkey)
-------------------------------------
There's a ranch here in Montana I drive by sometimes called "The Double D Ranch" - I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the lady out checking her mailbox but I never see her, I'll keep looking and report back here when I see her.
-------------------------------------
If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
They call today January the second, two-thousand and six
Today's blog is dedicated to two of my favorite TV shows - "Strangers With Candy", and "The Family Guy"
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I have a really good talent, but I'm not sure if I can put it on my resume. When I get undressed, I can flick my underwear up in the air with my toes, and this morning I was even able to flip it up, OVER MY HEAD, and catch it behind my back. Is that talent or what?
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On job applications, for the question: "Are you ever been admitted to any mental institutions?" - A good way to answer that question is simply: "Yes, but we had that chicken murdered and beheaded in front of it's sister and I did eventually learn the bagpipes."
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I think if you were a cowboy out on the range with the other cowboys, sitting around the fire eating beans and drinking thick, black coffee - you wouldn't want to say "Say...any of you guys have any of that Sleepy Time Herbal Tea? That stuff is awesome!"
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Monkey's favorite inspirational quote: "Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day - set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life"
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I'll bet your feelings would be hurt if you were a cow and sent to the feed lot to be fattened up to be slaughtered and the cows that were already there started calling you "New Meat".
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Hey - over in England - guys are sometimes called "Chaps" - if a guy has his dick out there, do you call it a CHAPSTICK?
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Don't you hate it when you think you're being clever - and have a child's birthday coming up - and you decide on a cool blue plastic Albertson's grocery bag, (They're free and fun!) and some asshole adult at the kid's party has to ruin it by pointing out to everyone "NOT A TOY" on the side of the bag, and everyone acts as if YOU'RE an asshole!?
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---------------------------------------------
I have a really good talent, but I'm not sure if I can put it on my resume. When I get undressed, I can flick my underwear up in the air with my toes, and this morning I was even able to flip it up, OVER MY HEAD, and catch it behind my back. Is that talent or what?
---------------------------------------------
On job applications, for the question: "Are you ever been admitted to any mental institutions?" - A good way to answer that question is simply: "Yes, but we had that chicken murdered and beheaded in front of it's sister and I did eventually learn the bagpipes."
---------------------------------------------
I think if you were a cowboy out on the range with the other cowboys, sitting around the fire eating beans and drinking thick, black coffee - you wouldn't want to say "Say...any of you guys have any of that Sleepy Time Herbal Tea? That stuff is awesome!"
---------------------------------------------
Monkey's favorite inspirational quote: "Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day - set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life"
---------------------------------------------
I'll bet your feelings would be hurt if you were a cow and sent to the feed lot to be fattened up to be slaughtered and the cows that were already there started calling you "New Meat".
---------------------------------------------
Hey - over in England - guys are sometimes called "Chaps" - if a guy has his dick out there, do you call it a CHAPSTICK?
---------------------------------------------
Don't you hate it when you think you're being clever - and have a child's birthday coming up - and you decide on a cool blue plastic Albertson's grocery bag, (They're free and fun!) and some asshole adult at the kid's party has to ruin it by pointing out to everyone "NOT A TOY" on the side of the bag, and everyone acts as if YOU'RE an asshole!?
January first, two-thousand and six
Today's blog is dedicated to 2005 - bye bye 2005 - you had to go - because THIS year is going to be even better! How about some of my favorites to start the year!?
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I wonder if you were on a prison chain-gang, but your house was just down the road from the prison, if you could ask the boss-man if you could swing by your house with the boys real quick and take care of that yard if you promised not to go inside.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: This invention IS only for guys who have balls but don't use them! (For example a lot of married guys I know) Monkey Ball Pocket (MBP) - with this invention, your testicles are surgically removed, leaving only a sack (it doesn't hurt and you weren't using them anyway) You can then carry anything you want - instant storage space! Use it to carry extra change, cigarettes, keys, your weed stash, sneak snacks into movies, the possibilities are endless! Sign up now!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I was at a theme park the other weekend and I was strutting around like I owned the place. there was a little boy jumping about right in my way so I stuck my elbow out and cracked him one in the back of the head. ??????? I'm sooo sorry little dude I didn't want to hurt you! Forgive me! " (Dammit Mickey Mouse you gotta stop that!!! - Monkey)
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I think the competition between Viagra and Cialis is pretty stiff.
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I don't know much about the female reproductive system (other than it's great fun for everyone!), but I've always dreamed of making a documentary on birth and the womb - just so I could call it "The Living Womb"
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Fun Monkey idea of the day: Fun way to shut down a lot of blogs - go around to random blogs and leave a comment that says:
"I'm VERY hurt by what I'm reading here - VERY disappointed in you - we'll talk about this later"
- Your hurt Mother
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's AIM Screen Name Glasses" (MASNG) - put on these special glasses and you'll be able to magically "see" what someone's Instant Messenger screen name is through a small discrete display on the lenses! Put them on and discover that Carl the big burly butcher down at Albertsons is really "HotTeenChik69" - your Grandmother is "Luv2Rim", your little sister is "ButtPlugz4Me", your husband is "SnglHot&HornE", your Aunt Jean is "SwalO_hotLoadz" HOURS of fun! (Batteries sold separately)
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---------------------------------------------
I wonder if you were on a prison chain-gang, but your house was just down the road from the prison, if you could ask the boss-man if you could swing by your house with the boys real quick and take care of that yard if you promised not to go inside.
---------------------------------------------
Monkey Invention of the Day: This invention IS only for guys who have balls but don't use them! (For example a lot of married guys I know) Monkey Ball Pocket (MBP) - with this invention, your testicles are surgically removed, leaving only a sack (it doesn't hurt and you weren't using them anyway) You can then carry anything you want - instant storage space! Use it to carry extra change, cigarettes, keys, your weed stash, sneak snacks into movies, the possibilities are endless! Sign up now!
---------------------------------------------
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I was at a theme park the other weekend and I was strutting around like I owned the place. there was a little boy jumping about right in my way so I stuck my elbow out and cracked him one in the back of the head. ??????? I'm sooo sorry little dude I didn't want to hurt you! Forgive me! " (Dammit Mickey Mouse you gotta stop that!!! - Monkey)
---------------------------------------------
I think the competition between Viagra and Cialis is pretty stiff.
---------------------------------------------
I don't know much about the female reproductive system (other than it's great fun for everyone!), but I've always dreamed of making a documentary on birth and the womb - just so I could call it "The Living Womb"
---------------------------------------------
Fun Monkey idea of the day: Fun way to shut down a lot of blogs - go around to random blogs and leave a comment that says:
"I'm VERY hurt by what I'm reading here - VERY disappointed in you - we'll talk about this later"
- Your hurt Mother
---------------------------------------------
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's AIM Screen Name Glasses" (MASNG) - put on these special glasses and you'll be able to magically "see" what someone's Instant Messenger screen name is through a small discrete display on the lenses! Put them on and discover that Carl the big burly butcher down at Albertsons is really "HotTeenChik69" - your Grandmother is "Luv2Rim", your little sister is "ButtPlugz4Me", your husband is "SnglHot&HornE", your Aunt Jean is "SwalO_hotLoadz" HOURS of fun! (Batteries sold separately)
