Today's blog is dedicated to a famous monkey friend of mine - "Curious George" - because I have officially found out what we all suspected long ago - that the "man in the big yellow hat" who lives alone with George and holds his hand all day has been sexually molesting Curious George for about 9 years now. This one's for you George.
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The dog experts say that a dog can tell from sniffing another dog's poop or pee such things as the age, sex, attitude, size, etc of the dog that left it. So I guess when my own dog poops out in the back yard and I see him turn around and sniff it, he's sort of "finding himself"!? Or he forgot who he was!? What the fuck experts!?
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Would you rather be called a "dingbat", a "wingnut", or a "basketcase"? I've been called all three, but can't decide which I prefer. Which do YOU prefer and why? Please submit a 72,000 word essay for me on this. (Top, bottom and right-hand margins on each page must be one inch wide. The left-hand margin on each sheet must be 1.25 inches wide. All tables, figures, and copies of reprints or manuscripts included in this "Dingbat/Wingnut/Basketcase essay" must conform to these same margin requirements; the margin requirements also pertain to any appendices.)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I skipped class to masturbate...."
(Now your father can actually yell at you: "I'm paying for your education, look at these grades! Are you jerkin' around in there son when you should be paying attention?!" - Monkey)
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Another reason men couldn't be trusted with female body parts: Not ONLY would we have breast-milk squirting competitions when we should be breast feeding those baby things, but I think we'd never leave the house if we had one of those cool vaginas either! I know I wouldn't - oh hell no, unless it was to go buy more vegetables.
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2nd Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"i fucked my boyfriend in the computer lab at school with people outside in the hall. yes that plastic chair you sit in writing your programs is the same plastic chair i bent over and had cum pumped into me."
(I get the feeling school just isn't the same as when I went there. Sigh. - Monkey)
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How come in the old days there were kids walking around neighborhoods on Saturday mornings ITCHING to do yard work for very little money. What happened to those nice young kids? I went out last Saturday morning to do yard work and I waited for those kids (and had a beer). Next thing I know, the friggin' sun is going down and I've wasted a whole DAY on those kids! Oh well, they'll show up the next day I'm sure.
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You'd have to be a really, really old GEEK like me (40), to remember when we dialed into BBS's, and when everyone switched up to 9600 baud modems some of the BBS's started kicking people off at login with a slap in the face like "2400 Baud Modems no longer allowed" - making us poor sons of bitches who couldn't afford a 9600 baud modem go insane.

Today is Memorial Day in the U.S. - and so today's blog is dedicated to the memory of all those who were killed or became missing in action in our nation's service. We remember you with gratitude and pride. Today's Memorial Day Monkey Blog is all repeats...errr...favorites...."best of" (Bottom line, you may have seen some of these before)
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Don't you hate it when you're standing on an elevator by yourself, bitching about how goddamned slow the thing is moving - and realize you you forgot to press a button and have just wasted 47 minutes?
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"Chlamydia" has a nice, pretty, feminine sound to it, like a flower almost, but you rarely meet any girls with this name - I don't understand.
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The Monkey re-writes old classic songs to make them more modern: "Squeeze Box" (The Who 1975).
New lyrics: "Mama's got an Xbox, Daddy never sleeps at night"
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Can someone please explain to me how in the name of God, Ra, Odin, Zeus, Baby Jesus, the new pope guy, all things holy, etc, that there is a nasty, used, stained, feminine-fucking-hygiene pad (with wings) out in the STREET in front of my house!?!? HOW!? And why won't someone PICK IT UP for crying out loud!? (Don't look at ME!) Why won't it blow away in the wind like other litter? (I think those fucking wing things are actually stuck to the asphalt?) Why won't it decompose? Did some woman toss it out of a car window!? It won't go away and now every time I leave my house I see it - it's all I can see - even as I drive away from my house it's in the rear-view mirror!
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Monkey Idea of the Day: I want to have a skunk's stink bladder surgically implanted into my body - that way - if I'm ever hit by a car, or I fall off a building, or someone shoots me - I may die, but I'll stink up the place something fierce on the way out - and the newspapers will read "Amazing 'Skunk Man' killed" - that alone would make it worth the surgery.
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So if I pour a whole bottle of shampoo into the Pacific Ocean, will some guy skinny-dipping in Kao-hsiung, Taiwan feel his pee-pee burning?
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I know a lady who's addicted to playing Kino - she lives for it - I'm thinking she may need Kino-Therapy to get over this. (Okay don't leave yet - it'll get better...I hope)
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Just so you know. I saw a guy in Burger King back in the back making burgers, he was busy - make the burger, lick his fingers and get a burger wrapper, wrap the burger, make another burger, lick his fingers, get a burger wrapper, wrap it up, over and over I watched him. But you know, his saliva wasn't that bad - that burger was great! Thank you Mr. Finger-Licker-Wrapper guy!
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Most guys have said they'd give their left nut for something or another - I wonder about guys that have actually had to give their left nut - what if they want something else? Nobody gives their right nut for anything - what do they have to offer? NOTHING - right nuts are useless.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Anytime that anyone does anything with or mentions antifreeze some know-it-all is always quick to point out "Dogs love the taste of antifreeze - but it'll kill 'em - be careful" The SPCA tells everyone the same thing. Monkey Laboratories, Inc., after years of research and development - is pleased to announce "Antifreeze Flavored Dog Food"!!!! Tastes JUST like the real thing to dogs but without the poison - enjoy that antifreeze flavor without losing the life! (Green or Blue flavors available. Warning: NOT for use in motor vehicles - will kill an engine)
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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Marquee messages - there's one up the street here that says "FREE DINNER AND DANCE AT THE METH CHURCH" Damn I knew there were some tweakers in this area but they now have their own church!?

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Bonny, a pigtailed macaque monkey, that flew on Biosatellite 3, a NASA mission which lasted from 29 June to 8 July 1969. This was the first multi-day monkey flight. He died within a day of landing. That's right, his name was Bonny - go ahead, laugh it up.
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Monkey Quote of the Day. "Show me a 'Happy Camper' and I'll show you a Boy Scout who smuggled some weed to the Jamboree in the bottom of his sleeping bag"
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Guys, don't you hate it when you're busted:
We were watching the American Idol show tonight and Carrie was singing...
Mrs. Monkey: "Who do you want to win tonight?"
Monkey: "Mmm...Carrie Underwear...err.....um...I mean Carrie Underwood"
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"i've been having phonesex in the middle of the night."
(Hey buddy - ME TOO because my wife keeps leaving the fucking cordless phone in our BED, under the covers for some stupid reason, and by morning the antenna has tried to anally invade me! - Monkey)
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My mother used to think when we lived in a bigger city that it was a GOOD idea to drop us kids off at the city's public library when we were kids. To this day she doesn't believe us - but 9 out of 10 people in there were drugged out of their skulls, bums with piss stains in their pants were passed out with newspapers over their faces, pedophiles lurked between those long, dark, upper-floor book shelves, guys would sit in the bathroom stalls waxing their dolphins. And I'm probably only talking about the library staff here! Note to Moms: Public City Libraries, Bus Stations and YMCA's are NOT safe places to send kids on a weekend morning. You may as well just send them to the Neverland Ranch.
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Scary things: To me, one of the scariest things in the entire world is the sight of a naked Barbie Doll laying in a mud puddle on a lonely country road.
The second scariest thing in the entire world is that there are people all across Kansas along highway I-70 that dress up in costumes to look like the sides of barns - they then stand along I-70 in front of barns and we can't even see them when we drive by. It's called "Barn Camouflage"
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: Those people at Vonage phone company who make those commercials - "woo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo hoo" You bastards have me running around with that song in my head for HOURS! Because people do stupid things. (The song is actually by the 5678's)
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Cashiers will ask you "Did you find everything alright today?" But trust me, they don't REALLY care. They don't want to hear: "Well, yes I did thanks, well, actually I take that back, I was looking for your Astroglide Personal Lubricant, because my wife and I have fun with it, and I thought it might be over in the pharmacy area, and so I couldn't find it anywhere, but then I thought it might be by the condoms, and then a lady was standing in that aisle so I had to pretend I was looking at foot cream until she left and then I grabbed a bottle, and then..."
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woo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo hoo
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Did you know, that when you're a 40 year-old man, that some people will give you weird looks in Wal*Mart just because you're at the posters, and you're stuck on some bikini girl poster and can't flip to the next poster? Move along people I'm shopping for my teenaged son's birthday!
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What I hate about catsup bottles, by Monkey. I hate when you build yourself a beautiful burger, fat and juicy and your mouth's watering just looking at it, and you go to put catsup on it and you squeeze the catsup bottle and out comes some watery, almost clear shit that's NOT catsup and it screws up your masterpiece burger. Is this clear, watery stuff that comes out first called "Pre-Catsup"?
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If I wore a pacemaker, whenever I saw a microwave oven in a public place, I would charge it and kick it and push it over. Hey...kill or be killed, right?!
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: The morons (and every workplace has one) that go around all day saying to people "Say buddy...you workin' hard or hardly workin'?" and laugh their idiot asses off as if we've not all heard that 45,291,12 times before and it never really was that funny the first time.
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Grandparents: it's a little cool to be eccentric if you're a grandparent - but don't go overboard is all I'm saying. Like my own grandmother who was VERY into DECOUPAGE. If you don't know what that is, it's a sickness where old folks discover they can take photos and varnish them onto wood. My crazed decoupage grandmother had her whole friggin' house decoupaged - walls, floors, boxes, keychains, if it didn't move in her house it would be decoupaged.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Goliath, a NASA squirrel monkey that died in the explosion of his Atlas rocket on November 10, 1961.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "A house isn't really a HOME unless there's years worth of rubber bands on each and every fuckin' door knob in the house"
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I think it's interesting what pisses off a man versus what pisses off a woman. Women get pissed about really important family or relationship issues, not enough attention, not listening, not showing enough support, etc. But us guys - different things set us off. For instance if I open my socket wrench set and find some jackass (probably someone in my OWN HOUSE) has turned it upside-down even though the top CLEARLY says "THIS SIDE UP", and every stupid socket has fallen out of it's assigned and proper little cubby and I have to spend the next 10 minutes putting it all back!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"A girl in my class (whom i'm kinda interested in) began to quit smoking last week. I'm very proud of her. Amazed by her commitment I also quit mastaurbating after that. Even though she doesn't know it, she's helped me more than I could ever help myself."
( She helped you more than you could help yourself to yourself?! - Monkey)
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People who need to be Pimp-Slapped: You guys in the tire shops with your fancy-smancy high-powered pneumonic drills (or whatever the fuck kind of drill that is). You do a half-assed job of lining up the threads on our lug nuts and then you run that drill and forever strip our lug nuts, as well as you make them so tight that there's no way my wife can get those off by herself on the side of a highway in the rain!
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Speaking of lug nuts - I have to lug these nuts around all day! (I couldn't resist)
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Saw my wife licking stamps and started of course getting turned on. Then I started thinking, which is a bad thing, especially when I'm turned on, and I thought, "If I were a woman I'd get hot and bothered and use my koochy as a stamp wetter!!!" I think this is why men are too immature to have such a complex, fun thing as a koochy. (And why am I using this "koochy" word!?)
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One of my all-time favorite warning label dislcaimers is one that can be found on almost any label on ANY THING: "NOT TO BE USED AS A FLOATATION DEVICE" - look for this one - it's hilarious, and can be found on anything from condoms to refrigerators!
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Don't you hate it when you get a notice in your mail that you have "certified mail" that you must come and sign for? Is "Certified Mail" ever, EVER a GOOD thing? Nope - it's always something shitty if it were sent certified. Something from that credit company, some letter from your ex-wife's lawyer, someone suing you, certified mail = Don't pick it up!

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of "Scatback" - Scatback was a US Astronaut monkey (rhesus) - he flew on a sub-orbital flight on December 20th, 1961. But unfortunately he was lost at sea after landing. (Good job NASA - that's a FINE "welcome home" treat - I scream racism - you hate monkeys - you always kill them - you didn't even LOOK for "Scatback" did you!!? DID YOU!?)
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If I were one of those Titanic survivors floating around out there hanging on a piece of wood, the other survivors would grow to hate me because I'd be screaming over and over "We're gonna DIE!! Oh my God we're fuckin' DEAD man! Holy shit this water's COLD on my balls! There's GOT to be sharks in here shit!!!!" One of them would swim over and push my head under the water and drown me.
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Fun Monkey Hobby. I don't often reveal TOO much about myself since I run an anonymous blog - but here's one for you: I find beauty and wonder in the names of weeds. You heard the Monkey - WEEDS! I like to read the labels of weed killer bottles because not many people know this, but the names of our weed friends are truly beautiful, it's like reading poetry to me, and I like to imagine a world of beautiful little fairy girls or elves all running around with these names. "Works on tumbleweed, thicklegrass, Curly Dock, Quackgrass, Toadflax, Purple Loosestrife, Hoary Cress, Tall Buttercup, Purslane, Soda Apple, Bouncingbet, Bird Rape, Yellow Rocket, Black Medick, Night Flowering Catchfly, White Cockle , Red Bartsia, Oxeye Daisy, Field Horsetail, Oak-Leaved Goosefoot...." It goes on and on! How can the names of weeds, something people want to destroy and hate, be so fucking beautiful? Hint to guys - these weed names make GREAT pet names for your sweety! "Welcome home my little White Cockle, how was work today?"
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Hey famous people, movie stars, authors, presidents, athletes, etc - how about signing fuckin' autographs so someone can actually READ it later on? You scribble some bullshit down in 000.4 of a second - and it hangs on some fan's wall, framed, for years and years later. And they spend their whole lives telling people "It really DOES say 'Dear Monkey, great to see you today'" because YOU Mr. big-time STAR, were in too much of a hurry to go back to your limo and do some more coke that you couldn't be bothered to write like a normal fucking human being.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I really regret telling him I was "only" looking for a fuck buddy. I mean, I was. But then I fell in love with him and now I'm seriously screwed."
(It's people like YOU who give "fuck buddies" a bad name - you don't fall in love with a fuck buddy dammit!!! - Monkey)
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Finally a reputable magazine is going to cover a top, GOOD story that has gotten too little attention. Weekly World Report has an excellent piece on "Finally - the Headless Horseman Interviewed" The Monkey says - "ABOUT TIME!!"
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I read some instructions on something the other day that said: "Turn the dial to the right one turn" Are we so friggin' STUPID as Americans that we have to omit "CLOCKWISE" from our instructions because SOMEONE won't know what that means!?
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Profound Monkey Thought of the Day (PMTD): Have you ever jumped out of bed and fell on your ass because your leg or foot was "asleep" and turned to jelly when you stood up? I can BET this "falling asleep" of limbs does NOT happen in the animal kingdom - I'll bet they have evolved out of that "glitch". Imagine Mr. Eagle wakes up from his nest 300 feet up in a tree or cliff and he jumps out of his nest and finds his wing is asleep and he crashes to his death!? I don't think so. Or Mr. Gazelle is laying around sleeping when the warning is given that a lion is fast bearing down on him and his buddies - up they jump and "Holy shit!!! My back right leg is asleep fellers - wait up on me I can't run! Help me! Help me! HELP MEEEEEEE!" I doubt it.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of "Joe "Tex" Baker" from Texas who died last week. I'm not sure who exactly he was - but I'll bet SOMEONE in Texas died last week with that name. Mostly new stuff but a couple of repeats today.
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Have you ever used a trial version of a nice program on your computer and you spend 2 YEARS waiting 30 seconds before it runs (as punishment for not registering), only getting to use half the features because you've not registered, and putting up with nagging dialog boxes and "reminders" - ALL BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO FUCKING LAZY AND CHEAP to do hunt down a serial number online or a crack for it!? You should be ASHAMED!
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What if real stores worked like yardsales!? Wouldn't that be great? Something is marked as $5.00 but depending on how late in the day it is - you MAY be able to take it to the lady and say "Five bucks? I'll give you a nickle for it!?" - and she says "SURE!" - because she doesn't want that piece of shit _____ in her house anymore and was going to throw it away anyway and she's too tired to drag it back inside the house.
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"It sold like hotcakes" - have you ever actually TRIED to sell hotcakes!? I HIGHLY doubt they sell as well as people imagine - and if they DID - there'd be Microsoft HotCakes out there somewhere.
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Call me picky, but - Who and why in the FUCK did we start capitalizing words in fucked up places!? iPod, eBay, eMail, eMac, iMac,
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"My name is Jenna, but actually on my birth certificate ...NO JOKE...it's Jennatailia. I also have three orifices."
(You've got me doing the math now in my head Jennatailia - Monkey)
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My teenaged son doesn't like or even WANT his precious Power Rangers sheets on his bed anymore! Can you imagine? I said "Son - you LOVVVE the Power Rangers!" He gets upset - "Um Dad - that was like YEARS ago - I can't really have Power Ranger sheets on my bed anymore" (of course I know this and understand but I have to play along like I just don't GET IT! - I may dig up his Ninja Turtles sheets today and make his bed with them.)
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If you were on a hot Mississippi prison chain gang, I don't think the "road boss" would like it too much if you went up and told him your hands were getting dry and chapped and does he have any Avon Soft & Sensual Replenishing non-greasy hand cream in his truck?

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 724 sailors who were killed aboard the American aircraft carrier, USS Franklin (CV-13 - Known as "Big Ben"). The USS Franklin was hit by Japanese bombs on March 19th, 1945. Explosions and fires broke out all over the ship, and she somehow managed to make it home to NY after traveling 12,000 miles through the Panama Canal. Her sailors fought the fires and she survived, but 724 sailors died and 165 were wounded.
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I've decided that if I ever get one of my eyes poked out I want it to have been done in a freak titty accident. That's right IF my eye is to be poked out - I want it done by a very erect, beautiful, pink, succulent nipple.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"i hate everyone. im supposed to take depression pills, but i dont always take them. fuck - i NEVER take them. no wonder my attitude never changes"
(That was easy enough! - Monkey)
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I think even for aliens there are tough choices to make. For instance, say your alien boss, Effexor, back on planet ZoLoft, sends you on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?
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I don't think King Tut would be amused if you were the slave who was responsible for drawing the hieroglyphics in his tomb and as a goof you wrote "King Tit" instead of "King Tut".
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Since everyone reports you get a huge cold rush when a "ghost" passes through your body - I'm thinking you could save a lot on your AC bill if you got your own ghost and commanded him or her to run back and forth through you while you sip a Pina Colada.
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So we need a toilet plunger and I buy one at Wal*Mart - instead of the traditional wooden-handled kind, I bought one that was supposed to be a "SUPER PLUNGER" It was black and plastic and the business end looks like an accordion. I'm embarrassed (for some dumb reason) to be walking around with a toilet plunger so I put the big end sort of under my arm so only the handle is sticking out. I'm walking around trying to find my wife (That's 90% of what I do in Wal*Mart) and I look down at this black plastic handle and it looks like a big, huge, black ribbed-for-her-pleasure dildo!!! (No wonder those chicks were following me!)
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'll bet there's a guy in China somewhere named "Sum Mon Kee" and I want to meet him.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey Windshield-Urination-Station (MWUS). On a long trip and don't want to pull over to pee or can't find a rest stop? Monkey Labs, Inc. once AGAIN has you covered. Simply pee into the funnel, the pee travels into a special device that takes it directly to your windshield and turns on your wipers - it looks to everyone around you as if you're simply cleaning your windshield! The pee leaves your car, you feel better, and your windshield is clean! Everyone's a winner! (Batteries sold separately)
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A Box Jellyfish may LOOK like something that would feel oh-so-good if you poked your penis into it - but I wouldn't buddy.

Today's blog is dedicated to Eva Longoria. 'nuff said. Everyone please have a safe, happy, productive, fun weekend!
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My kids ACT like they hate it (but deep down they love it - when I pick up an old dried-up dog turd from the lawn and tell them: "Back in MY day - this was THE SHIT!!"
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Monkey tip of the Day: Nosey neighbors are a good thing, they keep the neighborhood safe. To promote and encourage your nosey neighbors even more, leave a nice pair of panties and a bra hanging outside of your bedroom window for all to see in the morning as they drive to work. This will ensure someone will be watching your windows and driveway throughout the night and you can sleep safely.
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I'm rich I'm rich! As the saying goes - I've got money coming out of my ass!!!! Yep - I went to bed last night and found quarters and dimes and nickles! I KNOW it either came from my ass or my wife's ass because we're the only ones allowed on our bed, and we rarely lay around on our bed with clothes on - and my wife's change is in her purse, and I just KNOW that our teenaged son wasn't in our room yesterday when we weren't home laying on the bed watching our TV - that could NEVER happen because he's not allowed on our bed. So I can't wait to see what comes out of one of our asses again tonight!
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If you were a veterinarian and someone brought their pet in and you said it had to be put to sleep and you started singing softly in it's ear "Rock A Bye Doggy in the Treetop". I don't think the owners would be amused at ALL so cut that shit out Mr. Insensitive Smartass Vet!
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Shouldn't we call our x-husbands and x-wife our "y-wives" and "y-husbands"? Because years later we know they're our EX - but we still find ourselves asking "WHY!?"
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How times change quickly: A few years ago if we were going through airport security and they made someone actually WAIT for the green light to light up before we walked through the medal detector people would say "Holy SHIT - this security thing is OUT OF CONTROL!!!"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Quick Lube" (PG-17) - this groundbreaking documentary uses 5 hidden cameras in one of those "15 minute lube and oil change" shops to reveal what REALLY goes on after you drop your car off and head across the street for a coffee to wait. (Runtime: 15 minutes. Graphic Sexual Content, Bestiality, Bondage Scenes, Explicit Language, Oil-Sex-Play scenes, Drug/Alcohol abuse, Sodomy, Rape Scenes, Mild Trepanning Scenes)
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When I was a kid we were big on HATS & HELMETS!: At school the fireman would come to talk to us and hand out red plastic fire chief hats, and at home we had the big white NASA plastic astronaut helmets with the cool black visor, and at night we boys played with our purple-helmeted warriors of love. Now the same generation is still wearing hats - only they're handmade aluminum foil shielding hats.
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Movie ticket checkers don't find it amusing if you walk past them backwards with no ticket while saying "I was just leaving"
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You can actually have this conversation with a General Motors saleslady:
"How much would you charge me for a really, REALLY good hummer like I've never had before?"
"Sir they start at about 50K for a basic Hummer. Have you had a hummer before?
"Of course I've had more than a few hummers....Holy shit...I can do better down the street on that price!"
"You could sir, but they may not be authorized or legal, or even authentic - I can guarantee your hummer, satisfaction guaranteed and in writing, and I can provide features and options customized to your needs. We can right now in my office - come in, have a seat and we'll get started....I'll get you some coffee"
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They won't actually tell you this at the Hertz desk or any other rental car desk, but deep down inside, they EXPECT you to really push those cars. Go over potholes, slam on the breaks, speed, knock over those construction pylons and signs, jump drawbridges, these sorts of activities not only TEST their cars - which is a good thing, but they know the sooner they write off a rental car the sooner they can get a newer model in. Newer model cars = more customers = more $$$$! Trash 'em!

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the first US Monkey in space - "Albert", a rhesus monkey, who on June 11, 1948 rode to over 39 miles (63 km) on a V2 rocket. Albert died of suffocation during the flight. Speaking of dying monkeys - I'm all better now - no longer sick - thanks for all your well-wishes and love! To prove I'm back I put out a blog today - short, but it proves I'm back among the living and my Monkey brain wasn't damaged by the fever!
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Things the Monkey wonders about: If you were getting sent off to prison, and right before you left the doctor prescribed some medication in the form of suppository - when the prison guards searched you down as they processed you in, and found the suppository, would they confiscate it? Or once you explained it was legitimate and showed your prescription would they apologize and put it back?
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Reason I like being a Monkey #971: When you're a monkey, you can have free cigarettes, free sex, and huge amounts of drugs! All you have to do is go hang out in the parking lot of any large medical testing facility and within minutes a couple of guys will come out and capture you. "Silly Monkey! How did YOU get out - hmm!?" - and they'll take you inside and lock you up in a tiny cage and start feeding you pain killers of all sorts, they always make sure you smoke - and sometimes they'll even take you to a room where they hook up electrodes to your brain and watch you fuck all the girl monkeys. When they think you've had enough testing they throw you in a bag and toss you in a dumpster in the parking lot - but you've hidden a knife in your rectum and you cut out of there and start all over again! I've done this trick 3 times this week alone! (Notes: Rabbits, mice, & rats have so far been too stupid to figure this trick out. And Do NOT let them take you to the "Make-up & Lipstick Lab" up in room 371!)
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Dental work without laughing gas: Annoying splattering spit flies out of your mouth from the drill and lands on your face and it sucks!
Dental work with laughing gas: Beautiful little rainbow-like tiny diamond-like crystals seem to do ballet out of your mouth in slow motion and you could give a fuck.
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Monkey's Stupid Overheard Conversation of the year:
Lady #1: "If you put a package of frozen peas on the ankle sprain it will take away some of the swelling"
Lady #2: "No no, a package of frozen corn is even better"
Lady #1: "Well, I don't THINK so, I've always used a bag of frozen peas"
Lady #2: "No no NO - my mother always used a package of frozen CORN..."
(I oh-so wanted to butt in and say "No no you stupid bitches, it's a bag of frozen CARROTS!")
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My wife was not amused the other morning when she got up for work and hopped in the shower and I started the washing machine because I needed some pants, and then I saw someone hadn't ran the dishwasher from the night before and so I started the dishwasher. I then went into the bathroom to pee and flushed the toilet and when I heard the shower door open behind me I knew from the way she opened it I'd made (yet another) mistake. Note to self: Wake up AFTER Mrs. Monkey is done with her shower.
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Overheard some women joking and having "girl talk" and they were discussing how to tell how big a man's talleywhacker is. They went on and on - it's the length of his nose that gives it away, no, it's the shoe size, no, it's the length and shape of his fingers, no, it's this, it's that. Women can be so silly and naive, the way to tell is to get down on your knees in front of him and unzip his pants with your teeth while panting and drooling like a whore in heat and then pull it out and lovingly caress it and rub your lipstick all over it and slobber on it and ....
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Things that piss us monkeys off: I hate when people refer to brine as "Sea MONKEYS" - excuse me!? That is NOT a Monkey and that's an insult to those of us that are. If THAT'S a "monkey" then I'm going to start selling little fragments of monkey turd in packages as "Sea Humans" How would you like THAT!?
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Wife: "Oh my GOD - do you know you have calluses on the bottom of your feet that are like an inch thick!?"
Monkey: "I know it! Ain't that cool?"
(Wife then gives me "the look")
(I guess calluses on the bottom of my feet is something we will not discuss again. (If you ask me she's been watching too much of that "Queer Eye" show))

Today's blog is dedicated to Gumby. I'm still sick as a dog - fever, bad stomach, body aches - it's really kicking my monkey ass. Thanks for all your well wishes and love. I've not been able to visit my favorite blogs and I apologize, nor even answer comments like I should. And it's all I can do to pump out some repeats for you today. I hope to feel better real soon - the doctor has me on some hard-core Monkey antibiotics. I love you all!
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You girls in pornos getting facials - you can't move your hair aside first - people DO notice - that ruins the moment - you can take a shower later - come on! That's hardly romantic to act like the stuff is going to mess up your hair!
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Favorite quote of the day from my all-knowing Mother-In-Law, the "Master of the Obvious":
"When the sun goes down in the evening the temperature will usually drop"
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Luckily, my wife buys her "girl stuff" at Sams or Costco or some place and buys it in bulk. (enough for every girl in India) - so this doesn't happen that often - but the few times I'd had to go to the store and get her "girl stuff" it was no easy task. There's is no aisle in Albertsons called "Girl Stuff" with only one kind of pad and one kind of tampon - oh HELL NO - it has to be extremely complicated - there's no box that simply says "Pads your wife needs" - oh HELL NO - she wants something called "Always Maxi Super with 'flexi-wings'" Please. That sounds like some sort of monster from a horror flick doesn't it!? With WINGS!? FLEXI-wings!?
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I tried to convince my wife that I'd heard on the news that Dr. Phil had been arrested for beating his wife because "the bitch wouldn't bring me a cold beer" (No she didn't buy it)
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Did you know at most gyms they frown on guys that get on the treadmill, put it on the slowest speed it goes, and spend the next hour watching the ladies doing aerobics and sporting a huge woody? (Especially if you're not even a member! Picky picky!)
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I think if someone had tried to sell my grandfather a bottle of WATER in a store for almost TWO DOLLARS someone would've gotten a busted lip or a knuckle sandwich.
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I want to build a home for the homeless. But then when they move in I'm going to have no choice but to kick them out for not qualifying.
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Dear wife o' mine: MUST you leave the TV remote AND cordless phone in the bed and sometimes even under the covers!? MOST guys doesn't care for a cordless phone antenna trying to go up his ass during the night
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I think if you were a Nazi General and Hitler invited you to a dinner party at the Eagle's Nest - you might not want to bring Tamika Goldfarb, your half-black, half-jewish girlfriend - even if she DID make a mean potato salad to bring along.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: TREE HUGGERS (PG-17) - this is the amazing, true story of two Oregon Greenpeace volunteers who climb 70 feet into a tree and chain themselves to it. They throw away the key and wait for the loggers (and the press) to show up. The problem is - neither show up and the two men are trapped in the tree to die. (2 hrs, 14 min Nudity, drug use, adult situations, graphic violence, graphic artists, sodomy)
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I found out the official name of the language I have come to speak since having a wife and children:
"Aposiopesis: Figure in which the speaker abruptly stops or falls short of completing a statement; stopping short of completing a statement."
Examples. "Who the...!?" "What the..." "Can one of you...?!" "Who left the..!?"
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I'm going to be rich soon - that's right - I will be sharing some wealth with an nice man who found me through an email - he is Mr. Ambrose Ali, a native of Capetown, South Africa and a senior employee of the South Africa Ministry of energy and Mineral Resources - and he needs my help! So long suckers!!
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While playing Monopoly with my family one night, I accidently spilled my Coors on Kentucky Avenue and some of it got on Indiana and Illinois Avenues also. My wife was not amused and seems to think I've "ruined" our Monopoly game. But you know what? The rent is still the same on those properties even with the Coors stains.
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If you accidently flagged down one of those "Christian Biker" guys on the highway and said "Sorry to bother you sir - but you Hell's Angels always know where to score the good drugs" - I think you'd be likely to hear some scripture and verses.
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Born On A Bayou" lyrics - Creedence Clearwater Revival: "And I can still hear my old hound dog barking,
Chasing down a hoodoo there, Chasing down a hoodoo there"
My own dog would be totally lost if she had to chase down a hoodoo. As a matter of fact I'd be lost too because I wouldn't even know what a hoodoo looks like - do you?

Today's blog is dedicated to Mothers throughout the world. And to my own wonderful Mother, who will (hopefully) never even read this. I love you Mom, very much. Okay Monkey Cage breaking news alert: I hear the 'Possum over at "The 'Possum Blog" is actually back in action and has written a piece on WOMEN!
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I don't get it - why do the people FROWN on me coming out of the car wash, alone in my car, and I'm zipping up my pants? Hey it's MY money dammit - it's MY rinse cycle, I paid for it, it's MY foamy hot wax cycle, again - MY money - I'll spend my time in that car wash how I see fit alright!? Move along! Nothing to see here - it's back in my pants! (People are RUDE!)
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I think if your father were a lawyer and you were a teenager it'd be all-to-easy to say "So SUE ME Dad!" and he'd probably get real tired of it real fast.
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You ever see a fly buzzing around on a screen door and you open the screen door, (trying to be NICE for once in your life) and the bastard suddenly starts acting STUPID like he can't tell the door is now WIDE OPEN and it's time to ESCAPE!? You cup your hand and try and push him out to freedom and life - and they turn around and fly the wrong way. So you start getting angry and yelling at the fly: "Okay you stupid suicidal bastard DIE THEN! DIE YOU BASTARD!!! (And then you turn around and your kids are standing there staring at you looking a little worried. Happens to me all the time)
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Fun Monkey Hobby: When you hear people at work talking about REAL things that have happened, about real people, go up to them and say "Hey are you guys talking about a reality show? What channel?" Do this continuously all day long - pretend you ONLY care about reality if it's on TV.
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I love feeding "my" birds out in the feeder in the backyard. Today I heard quite a commotion and looked out and found some sort of race war going on - the black birds and the sparrows were going at each other over the feeder. I went out and yelled at them - "Can't you all just get along!? Must you FIGHT over the seeds? Can't you Sparrows just share with the Black Birds!?" But they simply looked at me and ALL flew away...as if they were scared of what I was asking of them!
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If a waitress is REALLY good, and REALLY serious about getting a tip - she MUST sign her name on the bill when she brings it - and I have come to EXPECT that they draw a cute little smiley face next to their names. Some waitresses do a round 60's hippy-style smiley, others do a more modern internet smiley: :-) but I have found the REALLY good, really cute waitresses put a smile and the eyes are two little o's. THAT'S the sign of a good waitress dammit! 20%!!
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I'm in a bathroom at the mall and a guy walks in. "How are ya?" he asks me. (Which is a strange thing to ask a stranger standing next to you at a urinal while taking a leak) - and I reply "Great thanks, how are you?" and he says "Well I checked the obits this morning and I wasn't in them - so it's gonna be a great day!" And I spent a lot of the day thinking about just how STUPID that remark was "..I checked the obits and I wasn't in them - so it's gonna be a great day" What the fuck is THAT asshole!? And if you "checked the obits" and you WERE IN THEM!? Then what!? Freak. Take a piss and shut the fuck up.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"i made love to my english teacher during year 11 in period 1 and then to my language exchange teacher in period 4 on the same day."
(And then shortly thereafter you missed your period altogether - Monkey)
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I've blogged before about how I think cows would have to be really good at mathematics - because you've got FOUR stomachs - so every time you read the directions on any sort of stomach meds you've got to be able to easily quadruple it. But not only that - if you were a mommy cow and your calve was up sick at night with an upset stomach you'd have to listen to. "Mommy? My stomachs hurt, my stomachs hurt, my stomachs hurt!"
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Things I miss about childhood: I miss the huge, VERY responsible, very grown-up job of running out to the mailbox with outgoing mail for my mom and "don't forget to raise the little flag!" (I only forgot to raise that flag once and of course it was a late rent payment - I let my mom down - and don't worry - I got my ass beat for that) :-(
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Monkey Fun Hobby (2): Pretend to know ALL the constellations in the sky when you're out camping with family or friends to the point of they plot to kill you with a marshmellow stick in your sleep. Make shit up - "There's the constellation 'the parrot' - see it's beak over there? See his eyes there?" Just make shit up - that's what all those astrological freaks do anyway. "Look there's the masturbating nanny goat over there! See her hooves...just there....her clit.....it's that bright star."
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I think a neat and worthwhile trick to play on people would be this. You sneak away for a week or two and visit the top brain surgeon in the country - you pay him in cash and leave no paper trail - you pay him to take your brain out of your head, dye it GREEN, and put it back in your head. You MAY not end up getting hit by a truck/car/train and getting your brains spattered all over a highway - but on the off-chance that you DID - imagine the fun people would have - imagine the fun the press would have!: "Man killed by vehicile had mysterious 'GREEN BRAIN'!" You'd make headlines and have the last laugh!

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of a South American Squirrel Monkey named "Baker" and his buddy "Able" (An American-born Rhesus Monkey) Together they became the first monkeys to survive space flight in 1959. They rode in a nosecone of a missile to an altitude of 360 miles, traveled a distance of 1,700 miles, withstood forces up to 38 times the normal pull of gravity, and were weightless for about 9 minutes. These brave monkeys reached speeds of 10,000 MPH and survived in perfect condition. "Able" died four days after the flight, from a reaction to the anesthesia, while undergoing surgery to remove an infected medical electrode. "Baker" lived until November 29, 1984 at the Alabama Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville, Alabama.
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I was cruising out of my town on the highway when I saw flashing lights ahead - coming towards me - as it neared I saw it was one of those construction escort trucks with the huge sign on the front - "Wide Load"
Was I lucky to be leaving town at the same time my mother-in-law was coming to visit or WHAT!?
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Monkey Tip of the Day: You can't safely keep "Deepthroat Blowjob Sluts.mpg" on your computer - but rename it to "Advanced Visual Basic App Object Properties.mpg" and kids nor wife will even come near it.
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My grandmother was always allowed to go around the house farting and it was excused because she'd say "Goodness! This medication!"
But when I try it in my house and add "Goodness! This beer!" - it's not acceptable. I don't get it.
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My grandfather and his generation - if you screwed up with them - you got a "KNUCKLE SANDWICH"! I wish we'd go back to using that term - I always love it.
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Monkey Tip of the Day for guys: Wanna get laid? Go in when she's busy doing something and give her a nice big kiss and say "You're beautiful, sexy, and gorgeous, and I love you" Then WALK AWAY. She may stop you and say something like "What are you after?" - just shrug and say "Nothing honey" - and start walking away AGAIN. You'll be driving your skin bus to tuna-town (or tonsil town) before you know it. Trust me. (Usually only works ONCE though)
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Why do the old ladies at Red Cross blood drives tell me after I give blood that I can go sit down and have a cookie and a little Dixie cup of apple juice? Hasn't anyone told them that after you give blood it's the ultimate time to go home, knock back a beer or two and enjoy a bowl of nice weed!?
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Monkey Future Movie Idea of the Day: I want to make a porn in Monkey Studios, Inc. about a young married black couple who have a problem - the lady can't shake the urge to have sex with a white guy - and the husband's not diggin' this idea at all. Her name is Polly and this is the story of her quest for some white lovin'. We're calling this one "Polly Want A Cracker" and it's to be released next November.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I like to think of the disabled toilet at work as being my own personal office for the purposes of drug-taking and masturbation."
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People that need to be pimp slapped: You people that write "Wash Me!" in the dust on someone's car. Come on man, that's so old and lame and not cool anymore.
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Monkey to his kids on a long trip: "You kids, you have your portable DVD players, your PSP's, your iPods, your CD players and MP3 players - why when *I* was a kid on long trips we had to actually look out the window and TALK to each other! Put all that stuff away - unplug it all!"
(17.7 seconds passed of them bickering and fighting and I told them to get their headphones on and get back to their toys and shut up)
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I want to meet the brilliant guy at the dog food company who decided to put coupons IN the 50 lb bag of dog food. Please bring him to me. Dead or alive. My dog is not amused by those coupons falling out in her dog bowl either Mr. Smart Ass.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of "Bongo the Monkey" - years ago I went to a tiny Texas town's "circus" - and there was a hand-written cardboard sign posted at the entrance of the tent: "Bongo the monkey sick - no monkey show today" Years later I still think of that sign and wonder what happened to Bongo the Monkey, and I hope he was okay and the monkey show was able to continue - maybe in the next town Bongo was well again and there was a monkey show??
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Things the Monkey wonders about: I wonder - where are "the tubes" - we're always told that someone or something is "going down the tubes" - but I have YET to see ANY tubes out there. Can someone please locate these mysterious "tubes" for me?
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Don't you hate when you're a kid at a big family meal and some jerk always wants to say a prayer, but wants everyone around the table to hold hands and you have to hold your uncle's hand and you know damned well he was just in the bathroom with your dad's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition for 20 minutes before dinner?
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I think if you were an alien and came down to Earth one night to do cattle mutilations the other aliens would get upset with you if you instead cut off pieces of the meat, took it back to the UFO, cured it, and started making beef jerky and giving it away back on your alien planet to friends and family. That's for scientific experiments fool!
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How many times has this happened to you?: You're at a friend or family member's house, maybe at a party, and you ask to use their bathroom - you lock the door and automatically start snooping around in their cabinets and medicine cabinet, and you find their medicine cabinet is just disgusting!? To me that's just RUDE - they know damned well guests are gonna at least check out their medicine cabinet and they don't even have the manners to clean it up first?
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I think if you got caught looking at hardcore porn by your boss and you said you were "looking for ways to fuck our competition" that the boss wouldn't believe you.
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Monkey Tip of the Day: Although they hang Pinatas in Albertsons on aisle 9, they're for sale fool and you're not supposed to have a wack at them with the garden rake you bought on aisle 7.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I have these weird boil things all over my body. They are big and red and when i squeeze them, pus comes out. They are all over my breasts and thighs and pussy. Why god, why?"
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I see really cool, colorful graffiti spray painted on the sides of railroad cars - how did they DO that? I mean you'd have to be running very fast AND have a steady hand!
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Wal*Mart is SUCH a friendly store that if you walk over, they provide these really cool electric shopping carts at the exit/entrance so you don't have to walk home again!
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Don't you hate it when you're just going to town going down on your wife and the bedroom door opens because YOU forgot to lock it, and it's your youngest son and he's asking if he can stay up a little later to watch a show he wants to see (and luckily you were under the covers because your wife was cold) and he asks "What's Dad doing under the covers down there" and you don't move - you pretend you're asleep?

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of porn star Naughtia Childs (1980-2002) Naughtia Childs committed suicide in January 2002. She had taken a lot of acid and threw herself off a balcony and died. Today's a "Best of.." the Monkey Cage - with only a mere ONE new item in today's post - the rest is "Best of.." - New readers - enjoy, veteran readers - please don't be mad - I'll make it up to you I promise - my excuse is I was away this weekend with my lovely family and although I have new stuff in my head - I've not put written it all down yet.
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One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!
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Monkey tip of the day: Cheap, pretty flowers can be obtained from any cemetery for your girlfriend, wife (or both). Usually on Sunday evenings you'll find a wide assortment on plots - sometimes even fresh roses. If you should get caught - tell the officer - "It's okay -THE MONKEY gave me permission" (and wink at him/her)
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Monkey's "Too Much Information" entry: I'm ain't skeered of that time of month - it's all good to me - so when it's "clean up on aisle one" time of month you can still find me carrying on like normal - the only difference is you throw down a few old dark towels on the bed and clean up a little more afterwards (Don't forget to wash your face!) The moral of this story?: people with anonymous blogs will tell you about anything huh?
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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Did we ever figure out why the man in the yellow hat lives alone with Curious George the Monkey? I don't like it - I don't like to think of monkeys being sexually abused by perverts in yellow hats. This has bothered me for years. Someone once suggested maybe Curious George was BI-Curious George - and I don't like THAT either - Curious George is a monkey - he's a brother - we may even be kin. He may need our help.
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Fun Monkey idea of the day: Fun way to shut down a lot of blogs - go around to random blogs and leave a comment that says:
"I'm VERY hurt by what I'm reading here - VERY disappointed in you - we'll talk about this later"
- Your hurt Mother
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If I lived in Texas when it came time to do laundry I'd call everyone into the laundry room and we'd play "Texas Fold 'Em".
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Did you know that people are such sheep ("Sheeple" I call 'em) - that you can have a lot of fun controlling them? For example at any function, like a School Christmas concert - instead of just clapping after a song has ended, STAND UP and clap - a standing ovation - and within seconds the whole auditorium will be standing and clapping. Manipulating the mob is easy, worthwhile and a fun hobby for all.
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Note to self: When at the zoo over by the kid's petting zoo - what you see on the ground that looks like some kid dropped a handful of Cocoa Puffs is probably NOT Cocoa Puffs - it's goat poop! Don't touch it!
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Do male tigers wake up in the morning with tiger wood?
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Musical Blog-Commenting - a new game - you read a blog, and comment on it, but comment on the NEXT blog you read. This will keep people confused, and confusion is a good thing, it keeps a stranger's mind from getting bored.
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I'm thinking I'll wake my wife up by slapping her in the head with my morning woody. When she wakes up I'll say It's her "alarm cock" You think that'll go over well? Would that start her day with a laugh?
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Monkey's version of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" (sing along!):
"It's late in the evening, She's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make up, And brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me, Do I look alright
And I say well, you look sorted of bloated actually - are you on the rag?"
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I wonder if in 1978 in Jonestown, Guyana anyone went up to Jim Jones and asked him how many carbs were in the Kool-Aid?
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My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" yesterday. You know the talk - the "birds and the bees" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc.
(He was able to help me understand a lot and I didn't take up too much of his time.)
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I have invented a new word - not sure if it's been done before - I'll write to Webster and see if he'll put it in his dictionary - it means "super yummy and sexy" - it's: "Vulvalicious" Please everyone start using this word so I can make a fortune? (The only problem is that it sounds a lot like a bubble gum - do you think there's already a "Vuvlalicious" out there?)
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "Life is like the dryer at the end of the automatic car wash - if you take it too slowly the thing will shut off before you're completely dry, but if you take it too fast you leave a lot behind"
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I watched two huge crows tearing into a PILLOW along the highway this morning - feathers were everywhere. I could only imagine what those two birds were thinking as they tore into the roadkill pillow: "Don't know what kind of animal this was - but this bastard has killed a LOT of birds!" I'm sure to them it was some evil blob shaped creature with no legs or arms that devours little white birds.
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I wonder if you were on a prison chain-gang, but your house was just down the road from the prison, if you could ask the boss-man if you could swing by your house with the boys real quick and take care of that yard if you promised not to go inside.
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Do you think any male bears purposely wake up in the middle of hibernation and sneak around having sex with the hibernating female bears!? (Or in the bear world do you think it's just an unwritten bear rule that you just DON'T do that - it's not cool!?)
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My wife and her damned pillows - I kid you not there's FIVE pillows on each side of our bed - it takes me 20 minutes to throw them all on the floor when I go to bed - I don't get it - is there a reason to have so many pillows!? Is it just my wife or do other women insist on so many pillows? And if I make the bed she even wants them in a certain ORDER - it's the dark blue one, next the big striped blue one, on top of that goes a flowery blue one, followed by a dark blue one, and last goes a fancier flowery blue one. (I think) Someone please shoot me. We only need 3 pillows - one for me, one for her, and one to prop up her ass so I can have easy access to do nasty things to her with my monkey tongue.
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Monkey quote of the day: "There are two kinds of people in this world - those that yell out for someone to go jiggle the toilet handle, and those that just go and do it"
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"Too Much Info about the Monkey" category: The Monkey's worst nightmare is that I'm doing laundry, and admiring (oh okay...and maybe deeply sniffing) the crotch of my wife's panties and suddenly realize she's doing her mother's laundry and they're not small panties at all - but gigantic Mother-In-Law panties!!! ARRRGHHHHHH!!