Today's blog is dedicated to the guys and gals who work in the porn movie industry whose job it is to clean cum stains off the floor, carpet and furniture of the set's props between filmings. Today's blog is 100% old shit - I apologize to any who actually read it the first time it was new blog stuff.
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What do you think China is like? I picture China as being a LOT like the North Pole - with toys just EVERYWHERE you look!!! After all, pick up ANY toy in your house and see where it was made - China!!!!
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I like to try and make babies in shopping carts smile or laugh at me by making funny faces, and then when their Mom turns to see what's going on I hide or pretend I don't even see the baby.
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My Mother-In-law was in the car the other day and was carrying on like a madwoman about how terrible gambling was and how it was bringing in riff-raff to Montana and the people used to be a lot nicer before the gambling. And in her hand as she bitched: her lottery ticket she'd just bought about five minutes prior when we stopped for gas.
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I worked with an East Indian fellow named "Darpan" (Pronounced "Dar-Pan") - is that a cool name or WHAT!? To me it sounds like a super hero name! I like it so much that sometimes when I go out with my family for dinner and we have to wait for a table, they'll ask - "Name?" and I'll become "Darpan". I'm an Aryan lookin' SOB with blond hair and blue eyes - so that makes my restaurant name all the cooler. Try that name when YOU are making reservations! Try it now - it's fun - say it - "I am DARPAN!"
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The way to tell a TRUE Chinese buffet is by the signs over the food. If there are no plural words -you're in good shape. Over the spoons and forks the signs must say "Spoon and Fork" - over the String Beans - it should read "String Bean". Also the little tags should NEVER say "Fried Rice" - instead it should be called "Fry Rice". If you see anything plural - leave - it's not authentic.
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Musical Blog-Commenting - a new game - you read a blog, and comment on it, but comment on the NEXT blog you read. This will keep people confused, and confusion is a good thing, it keeps a stranger's mind from getting bored.
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Who's the clown that decided everything we buy in the stores has to be encased in that hard plastic shrink wrap that takes a small nuclear bomb to open? Bring him to me! Dead or Alive please.
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Our kids love the drink "Crystal Lite" in our house, and it has come to be called "Crystal Meth" (Okay I'll admit it - I started this silliness) - My mother-In-Law is NOT amused by our kids asking for more Crystal Meth at the table. But then what ARE Mother-In-Laws amused by?!
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Do you ever see a hitchhiker that looks like a serial killer with his thumb out along the highway, and as you pass him by you say out loud in your car (to NOBODY) - "Yeah RIGHT - I'd give YOU a ride!" (or something to that effect) I just HAVE to say this out loud too. Do you say this and do this and if you do - do you do it out loud? WHY do we do this out loud?
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Wouldn't it be great if some reporter asked a famous actor or sports star a question about something political and the actor actually said "How would I know!? I'm just an actor, it's all I can do to remember my lines - leave politics to politicians!" Or the sports star responded with "Iraq!? I don't know, I'm just a dumb, overpaid, drugged-up jock - how should I know about Iraq?! Is that near Utah?"

Today's blog is dedicated to the guys and gals who are hired to walk around state fairs and sweep up garbage. I appreciate you - and I NEVER throw anything on the ground at state fairs - it's those other people. Happy Easter to those who celebrate it.
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I'm thinking I'll wake my wife up by slapping her in the head with my morning woody. When she wakes up I'll say It's her "alarm cock" You think that'll go over well? Would that start her day with a laugh?
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Why does my wife insist on wanting to paint my toenails!? What's the deal with that!? Then I get drunk with my wife and her friend and they BOTH get the idea to paint my toenails!? Is it only my wife or do other female creatures get some sort of sick thrill out of wanting to paint a guy's toenails!? Why? What's the thrill?
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"Count your lucky stars" - this is what our parents and grandparents like to say - and this saying pisses me off. How in the HELL do you count your lucky stars!? If I DID go outside one night and look at the stars - how the hell do I know which ones are "lucky" - and even if they DO somehow look like lucky stars - which one's are MINE!?
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I found out the official name of the language I have come to speak since having a wife and children:
"Aposiopesis: Figure in which the speaker abruptly stops or falls short of completing a statement; stopping short of completing a statement."
Examples. "Who the...!?" "What the..." "Can one of you...?!" "Who left the..!?"
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A hot waitress did a great job of serving the Monkey and his wife the other night - and so my wife says I should give her a nice tip. I ask "Which is appropriate - do I tuck the bill into her panties or her bra strap?" - wife was not amused. Again.
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Things that scare the Monkey: When I'm in a swimming pool and swim into an area of the pool where the water's a lot warmer than other parts of the pool.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug "Today I drank, smoked weed, and watch people rail morphine, all while sitting in the break room at a Staples, and I don't even work there. "
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Things I must know: What would happen if I painted everything in my house either red or blue, got drunk, and walked around with those 3D-glasses on? I must know.
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Things I must know (2): In sign-language - what are the official signs for "fellatio" and "cunnilingus"? I mean I know what I'd THINK they would be - but I want to know for sure.
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Long-time Monkey readers will remember when the Monkey was traumatized by a lady co-worker telling me about her Vaginal Hernia - I'm over that now except for an occasional nightmare - but now there's a guy co-worker who told someone he "powders his balls with corn starch sometimes". I don't know why, I don't WANT to know why. The Monkey is scared. The Monkey doesn't want to know personal things about co-workers any more.
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For years I've been grabbing up the free AOL CD's in supermarket checkout lines. I don't use AOL, I have no idea what I'll do with them all - but I always get one, take it home and throw it in a drawer. What's wrong with me doc? Is this a sickness? Will I end up on that "Intervention" show one day? Will someone find my drawer full of AOL CD's one day? I can stop anytime I want - really!
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Life's fun, free things. Women's nipple colors - a huge range and they're all good. There's pink, tan-colored, brown, and everything in between. Gotta love it!

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Colonel Harland Sanders - you made the best fried chicken, you were an American icon. Thanks for the chicken!
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I'm going to be rich soon - that's right - I will be sharing some wealth with an nice man who found me through an email - he is Mr. Ambrose Ali, a native of Capetown, South Africa and a senior employee of the South Africa Ministry of energy and Mineral Resources - and he needs my help! So long suckers!!
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Head East's song "Never Been Any Reason" - lyrics: "Save my life I'm going down for the last time" (BTW I prefer to sing this song as "Shave my wife I'm going down for the last time") - but WHY is he going down for the last time!? Wouldn't that just suck to be going down for the last time!?
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Blogs I'd like to see:
Monday, March 21: "Boy, I say boy, not much happened today to blog about son"
- Bloghorn Leghorn
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I think there should be Barnes & Noble Chairs police and I volunteer for the job. You punks that have been in there for three hours with your stack of books - no more: a 2 hour maximum per-chair time limit will be enforced with an aluminum baseball bat. You people snoozing in the Barnes & Noble chairs: baseball bat - cracked skull - take your sleepy ass home and give up the chair.
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To my 7th grade English teacher Mrs. Robbins: Guess what? Since graduation I've NEVER had to "map out" the parts of ANY sentence - and I STILL don't care about relative pronouns! Bitch.
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I'll bet the wardens would get really angry with you if you didn't fall out for roll-call outside your cell block with the rest of the inmates because you'd hit your snooze button and they all had to wait for you before they march down to breakfast and work detail.
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Things I have learned: When my wife says "I have to do my nails tonight", this REALLY means: "I am going to watch TV and I can't do anything else until they dry, it could take hours, don't ask for anything at all, no I can't cook anything, forget sex, nope - not even a hand job, I have taken the night off - deal with it" (She can somehow still use the TV remote pretty well though)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug " Whenever I play a Dance Dance Revolution song that involves galloping, I squeeze out random farts."
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If I were a puppet I'd piss people off by continuously telling people "I want to have a relationship with you - no strings attached" I'd find this joke an endless source of fun, but I'm sure people would get so sick of it they'd chop me up for firewood.
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I'm still learning about Montana - heard a couple of guys chatting the other day about how well "Dark Brown Damsel Nymphs" work, about their "White Marabou Muddlers", about using "Red Copper Johns" and "Bluegill Poppers". I thought Montana must have some wicked drugs - I've never even HEARD of those pills! (Turns out they were talking about fly fishing and what flies they use!)
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I believe it's only a matter of time before some politically correct jerk gets offended at reading "You are not a winner - please play again" in their candy wrapper or bottle top, and in the future those will read "You ARE a winner - after all, we're ALL winners - but this time you didn't get the prize - but you're STILL a winner"
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While playing Monopoly with my family one night, I accidently spilled my Coors on Kentucky Avenue and some of it got on Indiana and Illinois Avenues also. My wife was not amused and seems to think I've "ruined" our Monopoly game. But you know what? The rent is still the same on those properties even with the Coors stains.
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Monkey Movie idea of the day (repeat): "Plastic House" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of Gloria Adams, an 87 year old grandmother in Freemont, Virginia who wrapped her living room furniture in that plastic protector stuff that old folks use - but that wasn't enough - she then laid down those plastic "walk ways" through her entire house - but still she couldn't stop - soon she wrapped everything in every room of her house - and later all those who entered her house. (2 hrs, 45 min) (violence, sodomy, extreme sexual content, eye-gouging, mild scenes of trepanning)

Today's blog is dedicated to a guy in China called Quon Sing - I'm not entirely sure who he is - but I'm sure he exists over in China. This one's for you Quon!! Actually today's blog is entirely a repeat - I have company, and the weeked - she's hectic. My company leaves tomorrow (Monday) and I shall return to regular monkey blogging on Tuesday. I love you all.
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I didn't know so many ranchers here in Montana are bloggers! I hear them in the store talking to each other - "Hey great post you put up the other day", and "I see you're out putting up posts again Fred" - so many ranchers, so many bloggers!
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "Life is like the dryer at the end of the automatic car wash - if you take it too slowly the thing will shut off before you're completely dry, but if you take it too fast you leave a lot behind"
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It used to be that all middle-aged divorced women automatically got jobs as night waitresses at Denny's or IHOP - but I think that's changed - guess what middle-aged, bitter, divorced women? You're no longer required to do that anymore - now you're to start a blog where you bitch about your ex each day. (At least you can stay home!)
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How come when I run the clothes dryer it sounds like someone's thrown a handful of pennies in there? I open it and shuffle around the clothes - NOTHING - and I know it's not the buttons/zippers on the pants. I think my clothes dryer is haunted - I'll bet if I research the property we built on it used to be a ancient Indian penny burial ground.
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If you were on a hot Mississippi prison chain gang, I don't think the "road boss" would like it too much if you went up and told him your hands were getting dry and chapped and does he have any Avon Soft & Sensual Replenishing non-greasy hand cream in his truck?
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If you accidently drank a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®, you'd probably be relieved when you read on the bottle - "..MAY be fatal.." That means you MAY not die - that there's hope! So don't panic and act like a big baby the next time you accidently down a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer® - it's probably not the end of the world!
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Guess what this is?:
Jan 2, 2005: Rotting, stinking, bloated
Jan 3, 2005: I can still see where he used to wear his saddle.
Jan 4, 2005: Everyone I know has called to give their condolences
Jan 5, 2005: Now he's really starting to stink and bloat - must move him out of the back yard today!
(This is: Blogging a dead horse)
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I want to build a big house - and in that house I want to have a billiard room, a study, a library, a kitchen, a Conservatory - and in some of those rooms I will leave a rope, a candlestick, a leadpipe, knife, etc. I think this would get guests thinking - "Gosh this all looks familar but from WHERE!?"
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Luckily, my wife buys her "girl stuff" at Sams or Costco or some place and gets bulk stuff (enough for every girl in India) - so this doesn't happen that often - but the few times I'd had to go to the store and get her something it was no easy task. There's no aisle in Albertsons called "Girl Stuff" with only one kind of pad and one kind of tampon - oh HELL NO - it has to be extremely complicated - there's no box that simply says "Pads your wife needs" - oh HELL NO - she wants something called "Always Maxi Super with 'flexi-wings'" Please. That sounds like some sort of monster from a horror flick doesn't it!? With WINGS!? FLEXI-wings!?
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I wonder if you were on a prison chain-gang, but your house was just down the road from the prison, if you could ask the boss-man if you could swing by your house with the boys real quick and take care of that yard if you promised not to go inside.
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Did we ever figure out why the man in the yellow hat lives alone with Curious George the Monkey? I don't like it - I don't like to think of monkeys being sexually abused by perverts in yellow hats. This has bothered me for years. Someone once suggested maybe Curious George was BI-Curious George - and I don't like THAT either - Curious George is a monkey - he's a brother - we may even be kin. He may need our help.
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Wouldn't you hate to be person at the Kleenex factory that folds and puts the tissues in the boxes? Imagine if you had a bad day or were stoned at work and put just ONE tissue in the box incorrectly and a customer went to sneeze and a tissue hadn't popped up? It'd be your job son, so how about taking your job a little more seriously okay!?
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Speaking of Barnes & Noble - saw a store once at night with some of the sign's lights out and it read "Barnes & Nob" - my son and I laughed until we stopped - my wife was not amused - I guess you've really got to be an immature male to appreciate some things. Sometimes I feel sorry for mature, intelligent people - they're missing out on a lot of fun in this world.
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I think if you were an angel with a halo, it could cause some troubles with sex - for instance, if you were 69'ing I'd think the halo could get in the way - and I'm not sure if those halos are hot or not, but it could even burn sensitive parts of your partner. Could you really do a good, thorough job of going down on a lady if you have a stupid halo over your head!? And if your girl were going down on you and she was an angel - do you think you could actually hold onto her halo or would that piss her off?

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of another hero of mine - Guglielmo Marconi - the "Father of Radio". The world needs more like Marconi. I still have company visiting for another few days so am unable to give 100% to my blog and I apologize to my readers.
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If I worked as a pastry chef I'd put a REAL, stuffed swan out on the fancy desert table - just to watch people think it's real and start cutting into it to eat the pretty white frosting - I'd stand back in the kitchen and laugh and laugh.
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Was watching "Great Chefs of the World" on TV (For some reason) - featured was a fancy high-dollar French chef - they show a close-up of him cutting up some meat and the nasty French bastard is not only not wearing gloves but has FILTHY fingernails with dirt and grime underneath. Who said the French should be cooking our food?
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I think if you were a cowboy in the old west days it'd be a fun thing to name your son "Draw!" - imagine the gunfights he'd see all around him with cowboys yelling "Draw!"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day - documentary - "Postal" - (PG-17) a documentary that takes place entirely in a U.S. Post Office - (Bradshaw, Arizona) a shocking, real-life look at what happens behind the scenes in an average US Post Office mail room. (2 hrs, 04 mins - Graphic sex scenes, graphic violence, mutilation scenes, drug use, sodomy)
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I've often said I'd eat about anything if it had ranch dressing on it. The same goes for sauteed onions and mushrooms - you could go outside right now and bring in a half-frozen dog turd - slap some sauteed onions and 'shrooms on it - and I'd eat it.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug " right now i really want to have sex with my boyfriend...too bad i don't believe in doing that thing until you're married "
(I'm sure HE'S not waiting - so be that way - bitch - Monkey
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I made "Employee of the Month" at work - which is great - but when they ask me what I want as a reward they get upset when I say I want a blowjob. Go figure.
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Saw a commercial for a "Male Enhancement Drug" and they say "In the rare event an erection lasts for more than 4 hours please consult a doctor". Yeah right - THAT'S what I'd do!
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If and when I ever get sent to the mental hospital I'm going to be a bubble-wrap popper - I pity my crazy roommate in the mental ward because I'll sit for hours popping those bubbles - I can hardly wait!
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I enjoy listening to television and radio drug commercials - the best part - the disclaimer at the end they always run through VERY quickly but if you listen you'll hear some hilarious things - "..side effects include high blood pressure, diarrhea, nausea and sudden death in some patients..."

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of "Clubfoot George" Lane - - he was hanged here in Montana in Virginia City on January 14, 1864 - I recently saw his tombstone there on Boot Hill in Virginia City. Clubfoot George Lane was suspected of being a "road agent" and bad guy. Look at this - The Monkey Cage is about to roll over to 50K visitors on the ol' odometer! WOW! THANK YOU to all who visit!
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If you accidently flagged down one of those "Christian Biker" guys on the highway and said "Sorry to bother you - but you Hell's Angels always know where to score the good weed" - I think you'd be likely to hear some scripture and verses.
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Has anyone ever been to Pier 2 Imports?
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I think one of the best parts of making love to a cowgirl would be when she digs her spurs into your ass while you're riding her - well, maybe once or twice - if she insisted on doing it EVERY time it'd probably start to get annoying and pretty soon you'd have to make a rule - "No more spurs in the bed"!
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Dairy Queen has a pretty good drink called the "MooLatte". If you pull into the DQ drive-through and ask for a "Mulatto" they don't even notice. The monkey finds this funny.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug "everyone thinks im a nice religious girl that builds churches in her spare time but i really just love to suck cock"
(Well there ARE churches on almost every block in America.... - Monkey)
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If I lived in Texas when it came time to do laundry I'd call everyone into the laundry room and we'd play "Texas Fold 'Em".
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My teenaged son is very proud this morning. Did he get a good grade in school? No - he was playing a video game and he chopped a guy's head off and used the severed head to lure other "bad guys" into a room - he tossed the head into another room and the bad guys went to investigate and he shot them all. And people are worried that today's kids don't have motivation or direction?
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Speaking of wearing things to bed - for some odd reason my wife doesn't think it's "appropriate" to wear high heel shoes to bed - she claims they're "uncomfortable" to make love in. Why are some women so self-centered!? I try and explain that "REAL WOMEN" have no problem doing it in high heels. Sigh sigh.

Today's blog is dedicated to one of the best bands there ever was for pure rock - ACDC. Monkeys in cages throw poop - and sometimes they throw the same poop - today is one of those days when I throw the same poop at ya - I'm very busy with my company and have to give you, my fine reader, repeats. Have a wonderful weekend everyone! I'm off to Little Big Horn today with the company.
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If you were on a hot Mississippi prison chain gang, I don't think the "road boss" would like it too much if you went up and told him your hands were getting dry and chapped and does he have any Avon Soft & Sensual Replenishing non-greasy hand cream in his truck?
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I have invented a new word - not sure if it's been done before - I'll write to Webster and see if he'll put it in his dictionary - it means "super yummy and sexy" - it's: "Vulvalicious" Please everyone start using this word so I can make a fortune? (The only problem is that it sounds a lot like a bubble gum - do you think there's already a "Vuvlalicious" out there?)
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If I were a pizza delivery man, I'd EXPECT to get shows from horny housewives and be disappointed if I didn't! If a woman came to the door fully dressed to get her pizza I'd politely "suggest" to her that maybe she should go change and I'll come back in a few more minutes when's she not quite so "decent".
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If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on zee new German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
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Historical Blogs I'd like to see. The Marco Polo blog:
July 14, 1304: Went to the pool today - must be a full moon - what's with the people calling my name? Idiots!
July 17, 1304: Tried the pool again today - same thing - freaks! How do they know my name?
July 19, 1304: Tried one last time - same thing - never going to the pool again.
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I think you may be laughed at if you were a professional basketball player and all the boys were headed out after the big game to rape women and do drugs and you said you couldn't make it - that you had a Chess Club meeting you had to get to. I'm not so sure how long you'd last on the team.
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My family knows the rules - when we play Monopoly I'm the top hat or I don't play. Playing Clue? I'm Professor Plum or the Monkey doesn't play. Chess? I'm black or I don't play. All other games I'm the blue piece by default or no play. (I'm so easy-going and care-free!)
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Monkey Prediction of the Day: In the future, you will be able to actually touch, pick up, and carry around icons! Yep - you heard me - a program/application will be located on an icon, and if you want it on another computer you will reach up to the monitor, and PICK UP the icon off the screen, and put it in your pocket, or your wallet. You will have all your own personal data, all your email, all your programs, within an icon, your very own icon. Icons will be actual 3D real things, about the same size as they are now, but about as thick as a credit card.
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I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert.
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Little girls of a certain age love seahorses, stuffed animals, unicorns, and they love rainbows and sparkly things. Monkey Toys Inc., (a subsidiary of Monkey Labs, Inc.) has come up with a stuffed, rainbow colored, sparkly seahorse who is also a unicorn! We'll be rich! (batteries sold separately, Warning: Stuffed animal may contain lead, may contain ortho-phenylphenol, This product may contain undeclared egg whites. Choking hazard)
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If I were a beef cow, when the mean ol' rancher wasn't around - I would lead the other cattle in Calisthenics - but I'd call it "COWisthenics" We'd run around the field, we'd do push-ups and even attempt sit-ups. And when we started dropping weight the rancher would just scratch his head and we'd have a laugh about it later when he wasn't around.
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I'd not last long if I worked as a drive-through bank teller. When I saw Mom with her car full of kids out there - there's no way I could resist sending her some condoms through the canister instead of candy for the brats.
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"Anonymous Sperm Donor" - strange term - guys I think we're all anonymous sperm donors in a way aren't we? Surely you've left your sperm somewhere, or in someone, or on someone - and not identified yourself!? Sure - we all have - don't be shy.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Tycho Brahe (1546 - 1601) a very wacky Danish astronomer who liked to drink, fight, and had his nose cut off in a duel and replaced it with a silver artificial nose - the guy was a real hoot. I have company so have not been able to respond as I'd like to comments - please forgive me, I read and enjoy them all. Also I've not had much time to go out and visit my favorite blogs.
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If you were a boy, and thought the Merry-Go-Round at the fair was fun, with it's pretty, colorful painted horses and fun, lively music, I'm thinking it'd be a bad idea to tell all your buddies how you feel.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Grandma or Grandpa died? Don't want to be stuck with a huge funeral bill but also don't want to break the law? Monkey Labs, Inc. has invented a spray that can be applied to any corpse (apply one coat to corpse, let dry, and apply one more coat) that will render them safe enough to just throw in the trash with your regular garbage! Save tons of money and don't break the law. Don't bury them - trash 'em! Perfectly legal! (Your state law may vary)
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When I was a young horny teenager, I'd spend a lot of time at my Grandmother's house - she had fancy cable TV, and although she subscribe to the Playboy Channel, if I played with the dials on her cable box just so, I could just make out breasts on that channel! Grandma also had National Geographic magazine with bare, black, dirty, breasts with tribal paint on them. To this day I'm only excited by boobs if they have a lot of static on them and are very wavy and distorted, or I'll have my wife paint her boobs black, smear ashes and dirt on them, and paint them with tribal markings. (For this reason I think online porn is a good thing for young horny teenagers - let's keep it real)
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THIS 4th of July I'll be ready. I'm not paying $40.00 for some lame firework next year, only to be outdone by that guy up the street again. I've been eyeing my propane tank in the backyard - I'm building a fuse now.
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My brother failed every class he ever took in school, couldn't pass science or do a science project to save his life, but he could build a working bong out of ANY household materials, and give a 3 hour discourse on the molecular structure of tetrahydrocannabinol. Go figure.
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Hearing on the news lately that they've caught the "BLT Killer" - what the hell? What would anyone have against BLT's!? There's some sick bastards out there...
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug " my step brother is soo hot. at night, i watch him undress in his room and have a collection of his hair from the shower drain. i made a doll out of it and sleep with it every night. "
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Sad story: Imagine there is a man out there who has a small penis and wants it bigger, who is looking for prescription drugs for dirt cheap, would love to help out a poor Nigerian official if he could, wants to meet hot, horny girls in his area, and is looking to buy viagra for cheap - but this man has no internet connection or email at home.
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If I were Albert Einstein, after my Theory of Relativity, I'd have gone around the rest of my years pissing people off by saying "It's all relative" and giggling, over and over again until people were sick of me.
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When I was a kid, my brothers and I would sit in our house that was painted with lead-based paint and have pencil fights - usually someone would end up with sharp pencil lead jammed under our our skin - our mother drove a car powered with leaded gasoline, we'd spray each other with freon and have freon fights from Dad's freon tanks, and we broke open thermostats and thermometers and played with huge balls of the pretty, silver mercury for fun. How long do you think I have left to live?
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A co-worker thinks she's cool because her personalized license plate says "LOU-DKRS" - she says it's "Ludicrous" and gets pissed when people ask her "Lou Drinks? Who is Lou?"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Field Trip" (PG-13) - the touching, true story of a 5th grade elementary school class field trip to an art museum in Marmaduke, Arkansas. (3 hrs, 20 min. Adult situations, drug use, extreme violence, graphic sex scenes, sodomy)
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Our son brought home "Flat Stanley" (You have to know him) - I thought it would be a great idea to take pictures of him in a hot threesome with my wife and I - I doubt he's ever been THERE - but my wife won't go for it and my son's teacher may not like it either. (or maybe she will?)

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Jim Morrison of The Doors. I have company over so had to fire off some repeats today - I'm sorry - only a couple new items today.
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Another version of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight":
It's late in the evening
She's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make up
And brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright
And I say well, you look sorted of bloated tonight - are you raggin'?
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Saw a commercial on TV for a "cold heat soldering iron" - first off, who in the hell is still soldering ANYTHING?! That went out long ago - you don't REPAIR electronics these days - you trash them or send them back to Japan for repair. And secondly, what's life without having soldering iron burns? As a child I had an imprint scar of a soldering iron on my foot for ages. (You MIGHT be a redneck if you're barefoot and using a soldering iron)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I'm late to work every day because I ensist on getting high and jerking off before I leave the house. "
(Can't you do that stuff when you get to work like everyone else? - Monkey)
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I went to write an important number down last night - my wife has a cup full of pens by the phone. I grab a pen - it doesn't work, I grab another pen, it's dry - I start forgetting the number - I grab ANOTHER pen and it starts writing for a second and then dies also. I forget more of the number. I grab what looks like a pencil because I see an eraser and I start writing the number - it's one of those fucked up "mechanical pencils" and the stupid thin lead breaks and I can't get more to come out. What ever happened to PENCILS!? They work EVERY TIME!
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My kids enjoy the heck out of this joke but my wife doesn't like it for some reason:
Q: Why do women put on make-up and wear perfume?
A: Because they're ugly, and they stink.
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Stupid Monkey Invention Of The Day: The skin-shedding keyboard. Tired of keyboards that become grimy and nasty because you're too much of a slob to wash your hands and not eat at the keyboard? The Amazing Monkey Skin-Shedding Keyboard (AMSSK) comes with "layers" like skin, and once a month a layer sheds itself like a snake shedding its' skin. One night you go to bed with a nasty keyboard, and the next morning it looks like new again. (Now come on slob - pick up that dead keyboard skin off the floor!)
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When I was a kid many other kids in our neighborhood would "huff" lighter-fluid to get high. (put it in a bag, put the bag around nose and mouth and inhale over and over - practically suicide) Once a neighbor kid was sitting around huffing, and he was EIGHT years old - I'm serious. And I saw him get up and chase his brother around the room - he slipped on something, probably because he was high, fell, and smashed his head into the CORNER of a coffee table. I hear you - you're saying - "Monkey - what kind of good wholesome moral lesson can we learn from this kid?" The lesson to be learned is if you're going to be killing brain cells by the millions and aspire to have permanent brain damage by huffing lighter fluid or other potentially fatal inhalents, sit DOWN and stop running around the house or by golly you're gonna get a time out mister!!!
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I'll never forget the first time my son actually found Jesus, and Jesus put both my son and myself on the right path one day: I was driving around in Texas with my son, lost, as normal, and so I pulled into a gas station to ask directions. A Mexican came out of the garage, covered in grease, and stood by our car and gave us directions. As I drove away my son says "That was JESUS?!" He actually read the Mexican's name patch on his uniform and recognized the name Jesus. I told him it was.
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I used to be a bigger monkey - back when I had a computer job and would sit for long hours every day and eat - I was overweight. At home I had a little Buddha statue that I kept on top of my monitor. The family was playing a trivia game - and my little son had a question - the answer was "Buddha" - my wife gave him a hint - "Who's the fat guy that sits on the computer?" - and he says "Dad!"
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea Of The Day: "Brain Man" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of a man with a rare disorder that causes him to crave human brains. Follow his touching story as he begs for just a taste of human brain at mortuaries across the country, or as he listens on his scanner for reports of highway accidents. Race along with him as he speeds to the scene of the accident in the hopes of finding some brain tissue. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing BRAIN MAN. (2 hrs, 07 min: extreme violence, graphic sex scenes, sodomy)
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I went shopping with my wife and she pulled me into Old Navy. I made some stupid comment about something or another and she tells me - "That's the last time I take YOU shopping at Old Navy!" I jumped for joy, celebrating, and then I got pimp-slapped by my wife and an Old Navy sales girl who overheard/saw the whole exchange giggled like a small girl.

Today's blog is dedicated to the men and women serving in the United States Navy. I myself served my country in the U.S. Navy for six years and they were the proudest, most memorable years of my life. I know what you go through each day - I know the sacrifices you make, boot camp, the long hours, the serving overseas away from family - and I also know of the uncountable gallons of beer you're drinking, the wild sex, the parties, titty bars, lap dances, whores, the beaches, foreign country night clubs - here's to you men & women of the United States Navy! (Speaking of which - Derek knew the Monkey was in the Navy - How do you like my new banner? It was done by Derek Knight over at The Son Of Cheese Thanks Derek!)
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My son made it to a city Spelling Bee competition - as we entered and looked over the contestants and what schools they went to we were struck with fear when we saw an eighth grader's name - "Jack" and beside his name under "School:" - was "Home School" - sure enough - surprise surprise - Jack won. Damned smart home schoolers. They may win every spelling bee they're in, but the sad part is - years later when guys are sitting around talking about hot chicks in their schools, Jack and other home-schoolers can only think of their MOTHERS. So my son wins in the long run.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug " i have realy long nails (iam a guy) i am not gay or anything, i think iam just lazy, there good for scatching. "
(Dude, if you have long fingernails and "there" good for scratching - you're gay - you may be in denial or you've not discovered it yet - but you're gay. - Monkey)
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Words that make the monkey laugh: "Walkie-Talkie" - what a strange, childish way to say "2-way radios" - especially when adults use it - it makes me laugh.
"Live - as it happens" - when I hear this I laugh until I stop!
Words that make the monkey extremely horny: "Panties" and "Robittussin Cough Medicine" ______________________________________
Back in MY day in school - we didn't have teachers that would have illegal under-age sex with us boys like you see on the news these days - oh HELL NO - back then by golly we had ONLY our fantasies and our right hands - you kids nowadays - hot, young teachers screwing you - SPOILED! ______________________________________
(Okay I'm was only joking about the Robittussin Cough Medicine)
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"Too Much Info about the Monkey" category: The Monkey's worst nightmare is that I'm doing laundry, and admiring (oh okay...and maybe sniffing) my wife's panties and suddenly realize she's doing her mother's laundry and they're not small panties at all - but gigantic Mother-In-Law panties!!! ARRRGHHHHHH!!
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I was cleaning the "computer room" - I put down some of that "Carpet Fresh" powder - you sprinkle it around and vacuum it up - scented. This one was "Sunflower Fresh" scented. Everything was going great until my nasty stinkin' dog came here and laid her ass down and did one of her nasty patented radioactive Dog Farts. Now this room smells like "Sunflower Fresh Dog Fart". I refuse to blog under such conditions - I'm outta here - more later...
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I've always wanted to say to someone who just got smashed in the head with a lightening bolt and is laying on the ground half-dead and convulsing: "Come on - don't be such a baby - it's just a lightening bolt!" (But that opportunity's never arisen - I wonder what the odds are?)
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: Family and friends that call you from their cell phone to talk and it becomes obvious from the sounds, the grunts and the echo that they're taking a DUMP while speaking to you. Come on man - hang up and call me later.
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A dude at work is enjoying a bag of that candy - "Whoppers" - he says to me "I like to bite them in half and stick my tongue into them and feel the malty chocolate dissolve on my tongue" Do I give a fuck what he does with his tongue!? Do I go around telling everyone what I stick my tongue into? Err....never mind.
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Things the monkey wonders about while wandering about: "they" say your life can flash before your eyes when you're facing death - I've always wondered, does it really "flash"? Do you get to see the really cool nasty X-rated highlights of your life? And if so, can you freeze-frame it, rewind, slow-motion and all that good stuff like in normal pornos? I've never seen myself or my wife in a porno - so this is gonna be cool - I'm almost looking forward to almost being killed and having my life flash before my eyes!
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I love my blogger friends - I've met so many of you - great people. But this morning, when I was doing my semi-annual chore of picking up millions of half-frozen dog turds from my back yard - I looked for you "friends" - ANY of you - where WERE YOU!? I waited and waited for you - but eventually had to start without you. Thanks blogger "friends"!

Today's blog is dedicated to Charles Stevens - the first man to die trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel in 1920. His barrel was very heavy and large - with straps for his arms. He strapped an anvil to his feet for ballast, and put his arms through the straps. When the barrel hit the water at the base of the Falls, the anvil broke through the bottom, pulling Charles with it. All that was recovered was his right arm, still strapped in the harness. Today's blog is all one-liners from days gone by
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I think your son would grow up to hate you if you gave him a middle name of "Precum"
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I think cops would get mad if they sprayed you with Mace right in your face and you just laughed and licked your lips and said "mmmm....Mace! Nummy-NUMMY!"
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Is it me or does it sound like Japanese people are always pissed off at each other when they're speaking?
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If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
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Do male tigers wake up in the morning with tiger wood?
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I advocate people downloading music for free on the internet because those programmers work HARD to write the ripping/burning software and they have families to support - where's your compassion?
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The best part of being in a head hunting jungle tribe is probably when they get up in the morning and yell to the entire family: "I'm outta here - I gotta go out and get me some head!"
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If I were a lumberjack before I cut down each tree I would say to it "Let me AXE you something"
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My wife doesn't think that the little restaurant in the back of K-Mart is considered romantic dining. Go figure.
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How come when I was a kid all my friends had those posters of Farrah Fawcett on their bedroom walls and there were mysterious stains on the poster?
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You know not to fold, spindle or mutilate - but if someone told you that you HAD to spindle something would you even know where to begin?
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Remember when we were kids and a "firewall" was part of a car?
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If I sold Viagra online, I don't think I'd send out a billion spam emails a day like the others: the competition is too stiff.
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I think it's a good idea in drive-thru's after you order is to add - "This order is to go" I think deep down inside they like that kind of humor.
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So what IS Victoria's Secret anyway?
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I'm thinking instead of crosses along the highway to mark where someone has died - those glow-in-the-dark plastic skeletons - this would be more sobering.
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My wife doesn't think that when I ask her to sit on my face that it's romantic, and she also says that doesn't count as foreplay - go figure.
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Don't you just hate it when you're starving and you're shooting at some food, and up from the ground comes a bubblin' crude!?
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How many years have passed and the Monkey STILL finds himself saying every now and again "One Adam 12...see the man..."
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I wonder if in 1978 in Jonestown, Guyana anyone went up to Jim Jones and asked him how many carbs were in the Kool-Aid?
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What do you say to your youngster when he finds your bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant and wants to know what it's for?
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I think the "bag boys" at the supermarket don't like it when they say "Would you like paper or plastic?" and you answer - "Yes please"
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How come dogs decide to do that butt-dragging thing on the carpet only when there's company around?
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For such a beautiful word, you'd think you'd find more little girls named "Vulva"
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If I were a stem-cell, I think it would be great fun to go to the local library and sit down at a table, pile up books all around me, crack one open and start reading - I'd put up a sign on the table - "Quiet - Stem Cell Research In Progress"
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I found myself waving to a Budweiser truck rolling down the highway as if he were a long lost friend - and then a thought crossed my mind: "I MIGHT be a redneck..."
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Sure they TELL YOU that they like someone who "can think on their feet" at interviews - that's what they SAY - but later they'll fire you for never being at your desk or at work.