Hey there friends!!!!

It's the Monkey!

I just wanted to say HAPPY NEW YEARS to each and every one of you!

I'm not blogging today - as you can see - but I did want to stop in and say that I love each of you and I hope 2009 is a WONDERFUL, safe, happy, healthy year for all of you!

I look forward to a great year of blogging and more fun with you all!

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 31 people who were killed at Ladbroke Grove, just outside of Paddington Station, in London, when two trains collided
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I'll bet somewhere out there, there has actually been a trial on record where some guy had to swear that although he did shoot the sheriff, (in self-defense) - he didn't shoot the deputy.
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Speaking of songs. I think that Don McLean's "American Pie" would make more sense if it were "..and good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and LYE, singing this'll be the day that I die"
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Things the Monkey wonders about: If you have "The Clapper" - and you're giving it hard to your lady, and your balls are slapping against her ass - would it turn the lights on and off?
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Women are strange creatures - sure, they call you "their baby" but then later they get angry if you burp or fart in front of them and they call you disgusting!
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Monkey Labs, Inc. is solving WORLD HUNGER: Being a Monkey that loves cotton candy, I've seen how a cotton-candy machine works - it spins - the process first involves the sugar melting into a liquid form that is spun inside of the cotton candy machine and we get cotton candy. The world is made mostly of ocean (water) - we add sugar to the world's oceans, "global warming" takes care of the melting the sugar into the water - the Earth takes care of the spinning part - we will soon be able to feed the world's hunger.

Today's blog is dedicated to 50's star Maureen O'Hara. Wow. Not a huge blog today - I apologize.
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I would think if you worked for FedEx and you consistantly delivered packages to people who were actually HOME, you'd probably be reprimanded. I mean once or twice you may actually deliver something to someone who's at home by freak accident - it happens - but if you made it a habit I'd think you'd be in trouble.
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I once did a girl who liked it anal when we had sex. Yep she'd be like "Careful with the sheets I just washed them", "Please don't throw your underwear over on the dresser", "Please make sure you wash your face it's all shiny and wet", etc.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I have this stupid fear that sumone is going to give me a bracelet for my birthday, and im going to put it round my neck, thinking its a necklace. Then i wil look so stupid in front of all my family and friends"
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I'd like to build a mall where EVERY parking place is for handicapped only. Sure it'd piss some people off, but I think deep down inside, later, they'd laugh about it.
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If I were a dog, whenever I licked my balls I'd lick lick lick and then moan. Hmmm....lick lick....ahhh....lick lick lick...mmmm....

Today's blog is dedicated British actress Sienna Miller. Only a few "new ones" today - mostly just some of my favorites - I apologize.
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I think if you were a Geisha you'd get sick of smartasses who think they're funny coming up to you all the time saying "Girl you're so PALE!!! You need to take better care of yourself!"
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I think one part about being in Heaven we don't hear much about it is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suck
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
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It would suck to be a redneck West Virginia guy in your trailer and be fucking a chick from behind very hard and when you say "Who's your daddy!?" They actually tell you the TRUTH - "Why YOU are Daddy!" That would sort of ruin the moment.
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I've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
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I think pirates would be pretty upset with you if they were making you walk the plank because you were a sissy, and while on the plank some of your high beam gymnastics training came back to you and you did a switch leg leap, followed by a pirouette, and then a double twisting straight backwards somersault.
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I want to build a home for the homeless. But then when they move in I'm going to have no choice but to kick them out for not qualifying.
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If you're a poor boy and can't afford Sea Monkeys, I'm thinking maybe some sperm in a jar of water? Would that be just as fun? And if those die, you can always add more - there's an endless supply!
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It might be worth it to live in a trailer, be a teenager, and have a sister - JUST so that when your parents say - "Monkey take out the trailer trash please" - you could go over and grab your sister and try and throw her out the door.
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I'm still learning about Montana and loving it The other day I overheard a couple of guys chatting about "Dark Brown Damsel Nymphs", "White Marabou Muddlers", "Red Copper Johns" and "Bluegill Poppers". Damn I thought, Montana must have some wicked drugs - I've never even HEARD of those pills!
(Turns out they were talking about fly fishing and what flies they use!)

Folks, this morning I was out driving around my town and I saw several things that really opened my eyes to just how the Holidays aren't always a happy time for all of us.

I drove by a church and saw a homeless family camped out in a church lawn. Yep, you heard me - a homeless family camped out in a makeshift shelter on a CHURCH LAWN - at CHRISTMAS! It was an entire homeless family - a couple, wearing nothing but what looked like old rags and bathrobes - and the sad part - there between them was a BABY - the baby didn't even have a crib - it was wrapped up in rags and was laying on a bed of STRAW in the cold Montana chill.

A sad, sobering scene on Christmas Eve morning.

But that wasn't the end of it - I drove on, and at yet another church, ANOTHER homeless family that looked very similar to the other family - they were right on the church lawn, wearing bathrobes, too cold to even move, and they too had a young baby between them laying on a bed of straw. There were animals there too, which weren't moving - probably frozen - there were a few sheep and what looked like a camel there too.

Check your own town churches - this may be a nationwide epidemic.

I'm going to make some peanut-butter & jelly sandwiches and drive back by and offer it to the poor couple and their baby.

Please people, remember, there are those less fortunate than you.

Today's blog is dedicated to Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
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Signs you MAY have hit rock bottom in your life: You're living a port-a-potty out back of your ex-wife's boyfriend's house.
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Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Scarecrow" (PG-17) - a movie set in the future, where the politically correct assholes have all but taken over America. But when they declare that scarecrows are "insensitive" and politically incorrect and set out to destroy them, this is the last straw for many Americans (pun intended) and America's second great Civil War is on. Starring Russell Crowe. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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I'm looking at a carton of egg nog, and I'm looking at a bottle of Jägermeister - mmmm - Jägernogger anyone?
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People I'd like to pimp-slap: Charlie's Grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory - he sure does manage to get up and walk (and dance & sing) once Charlie brings home that Golden Ticket now doesn't he!? Lazy faker bastard.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I'm a 42 year old woman and when I play the Pokemon card game with my small son, I get very upset when I lose. I become hostile towards him for a few hours and cry in my room. I dont know why I do this"
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Signs you may be in a nasty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they signed it in human feces!
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Didn't you hate it when you were a kid and you'd been picking your nose too much and you get a nosebleed and you're around a bunch of family (adults) and every fuckin' one of the has to prove that their own "cure" is the best. Next thing you know they've got you laying down with your head thrown back and and Aunt Karen has your shoes and socks off and is applying "accupressure" on your big toe while your mother is pinching your nostrils together and your fuckin' Grandmother is holding your mouth shut and her huge fuckin' saggin' breast is smushed up against your forehead - crushing it - meanwhile your Uncle Kevin has got a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and he's trying to get in there to press it against your nose.

Today's blog is dedicated to all of you who have lost a parent, a wife, husband, sibling, or a son or daughter during Christmas. Once Christmas is tainted with losing one close to your heart - it will never be the same. Merry Christmas to all of you, but in particular to those of you with hurt in your hearts this Christmas. Merry Christmas to all of you, my readers. I really do love you - as gay as that may sound - you've been there for me - and I love each of you, and hope that this Christmas is as special as any childhood Christmas you ever had - before you were tainted.
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If I were Jewish and my name were Asher Eisenberg, and I had my own carpentry shop - I would buy those bumper stickers for all of my employees that said "My Boss a Jewish Carpenter" and if they didn't put them on their cars I would fire their ungrateful asses.
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Monkey Laboratories, Inc. is coming out with teeth-whitening face soap! That's right since we all know the so-called teeth-whitening toothpastes don't work - Monkey Labs Inc. has developed a facial soap that actually makes your face DARKER - which will make it seem like your teeth are whiter!
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I wonder how many fish, when caught on a hook, have yelled "Dammit! You got me! You bastards! EAT ME!!" - and then realized the irony of what they just said and perhaps had a chuckle over it.
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Here's something that's NOT cool - if there's THREE or FOUR guys at a public pool, and you have had enough and head for the showers/bathroom to change and leave - it's NOT COOL for those other few guys to follow you into the bathroom. Dig?
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Here's a situation that would suck, and something that keeps me awake at night worrying about: Say there's a public swimming pool, and there's never been a lifeguard before, but they decide to hire one - so you climb the tall chair and it's your first day as the lifeguard - but because the lifeguard-thing is new - they still have the sign up above you: "No Lifeguard On Duty" - so you're sitting there on your new job and there's the most succulent vulvalicious hot girls in your fucking life swimming and they're looking up at you - Mr. Lifeguard, and behind you is the "No Lifeguard On Duty" sign. They'd giggle. THAT would suck.
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Here's a classified ad the Monkey would like to see: "Wanted - used mattress to buy - pee/cum stains not important."

Today's blog is dedicated to Louise Brooks - silent films sure - but she spoke loud and clear.
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If you were a cat and enslaved to work in a kitty litter factory - when you had to go to the bathroom - what would you do? Would you just pee or poop on the floor? Is that allowed?
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If you were a cow in India - considered holy - would that give you the authority to leave "holy shit" in the streets?
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At Christmas time I wonder: Do you think some smartass looked out of their window and saw Mary & Joseph out in the street looking for a place to say - and yelled "Jesus Christ you two GET A ROOM!"
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I think it would be funny to create silent porn. It would be black and white like the old silent films and the film speed would suck (like old silent films) and whenever the female moaned, the screen would switch to complete black with the letters "OHHHHHH!" written in white, just like the old silent films " (I like the way you think - you can work here at Monkey Blogs Inc. any day! When can you start!? - Monkey)
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I just hate running - and a healthy friend talked me into it - even though I hate it. So we're running and I'm all out of breath and in pain and we hadn't yet got to the end of my driveway so I start bitching - he tells me to shut up - that it's okay - I'll get a second wind. Sure enough I farted - does that count as a second wind?
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I was thinking yesterday about stuff we rarely see - for example, I've NEVER seen an angel puking. Have you?
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A fun hobby would be to hide in dumpsters and when someone throws trash in it to yell "HEY!!! What the fuck is the matter with you! OUCH!"
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I think we need more people out there with no feelings - that way when someone says "Hey that wasn't very nice - that person has feelings too!" - and we could say "No they DON'T!"

Today's blog is dedicated to, once again, Jack Johnson, it's been many mango seasons since I've been able to put on a CD by especially a newer artist and just be blown away. Hey there’s a couple of repeats in here today - what’s wrong with this Monkey bastard!?
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Monkey Translates women-speak:
When she says: "Look I don't want to fight okay!?"
Means: "You've got a valid point - you may win this one - so let's just move on"
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Did you know that in some countries you if you don't eat your meat you can't have any pudding!? How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
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Things the Monkey stays up late wondering about: In China, do the Chinese mothers threaten their little kids - "If you don't straighten your ass up - I'll have you adopted out to an American white famry so fast your head will spin!"
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "half of american women are sluts/whores " (God Bless America - Monkey)
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I think one really sad part of WW II that many won't talk about even to this day - one heartbreaking part of that war you'll never learn about on The History Channel is how many Bombardiers lost their shoes on those bomber planes when the doors opened and their shoes weren't securely fastened to their feet.
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If your name were Rotsi, and you had kids, would they call you Papa Rotsi?
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If I were a clam living in the ocean, I'd never shave, I'd grow a big thick beard just to watch scuba divers point at me and laugh and grab their buddies and point at me and mouth the words "Look - a bearded clam!"
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If I were a scuba diver and saw a clam on the ocean floor that had a beard, I'd get my scuba buddy's attention and point at it and mouth "Look, a bearded clam!"
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?" you'd scream

Today's blog is dedicated to Greta Garbo.
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When I was a young monkey I'd sing Eddie Rabbit's "DRIVING MY LIFE AWAY" like this: "Well waitress pour me another cup of coffee, pop me down, jack me off, shoot me out, headin down the highway"
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Things That Keep the Monkey up late at night pondering: If you were out in your backyard and looked up to see an airplane overhead and it dropped a bomb and it's headed right at you, and you looked over and saw your son's trampoline...and the bomb's getting closer and closer..would you move the trampoline over to try and bounce the bomb back up?!
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I heard on one of those rumor shows about stars that Mick Jagger and Kate Moss were seen together in a posh LA nightclub - and they ignored each other - as a matter of fact Jagger left the bar. I guess a Rolling Stone gathers no moss.
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Did that last one suck or WHAT!?
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "When I masturbate, I fantasize about Olivia Newton John with a penis. She's hung like a brontosaurus, and she speaks with my father's voice. "
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Not many people know this, but when a surgeon performs a surgery for Testicular Cancer, in the OR during pre-surgery he or she uses a special "Pointing Pen" to point to the OR nurse where on the testicle she is to mark for an incision. This pen is referred to in the medical world as a "Ball Point Pen"
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My least favorite song of all time "Shock The Monkey" by Peter Gabriel. What the FUCK!? "Shock the Monkey"!? "Watch the Monkey get hurt - shock the Monkey tonight"!?!
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Speaking of monkeys being abused - I saw an ad for "Curious George" - the MOVIE - GOOD! I hope they show the REAL story of Curious George: He was originally "Bicurious George" and that "man in the faggy yellow hat" picked him up in a gay bar and held Bicurous George captive as a sex slave for over four years - anally and orally abusing that poor little monkey. Once Bicurious George even tried to escape the man's "compound" by using helium balloons to lift himself up and away from the man.
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Guys have you ever been sucking a woman's tits and one of them just doesn't want to play along!? The left one will be just as hard and erect as it can be - you switch to the other one to tongue it nicely and it's not even responding! What the fuck!? So you go back to the left one and continue your "Biting it with only your lips thing" you do and switch to the right one and do the same - nothing. Pretty soon you say "fuck you right nipple" and don't even go there again if it can't behave tonight!

Today's blog is dedicated to YOU my loyal wonderful readers. I love each of you and am grateful you come here. Thanks pal. Today's is a short Sunday edition.
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Do I look like some sort of farmer or something?! Do I look like I know much about agriculture!?
(I ask because someone the other day someone told me - "Grow a pear!" Jeez. I can't keep a house plant alive let alone a pear tree!)
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If I were the President of the United States - by Monkey:
If I were the president of the United States I would spend a lot of time looking out of that cool window behind the presidential desk in the Oval Office. Looks like a really cool view, and look at that nice green lawn! I'd also officially rename the Oval Office to "Ovary Office" because it will remind everyone of something in a pussy, and we all want to be in pussy, so it would promote a good working atmosphere for my staff
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Things That Keep the Monkey up late at night pondering: If you're a very poor, very new rapper - what the fuck do you rap about!? You've got no bling-bling, you've got no Bentley, you've got no bitches! What do you rap about!?
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "A Wal*Mart without a few Mexican-Americans in it shopping is like an ant farm filled with crickets.
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Here's a fun traditional Christmas-Time hobby of the Monkeys. Leave the mall with your car keys in your hand - head up an aisle in the parking lot and cars will follow you so they can have your spot - like vultures - wait for about 2 cars to start following you - then suddenly cut through the cars to the next aisle. Repeat as neccessary.
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I'll bet if you're a photographer from California who's moved to Oklahoma to start your own business you'd have to learn the hard way not to say "Okay people, - lets' see some teeth!"

Today's blog is dedicated to that one girl who sits over by you at work - you know the one I'm talking about - the one with the nice ass. Today's blog is 99% repeats - some of my favorite recent stuff.
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
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I think it would be cool to go back to the 1950's and go to a "Lover's Lane". Sitting up there in the car looking over the city listening to the music. I'd even bring a girl with me sometimes.
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So the Shrink asked me if I ever have any strange thoughts .
"No", I answered (which I thought was pretty strange.)
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Monkey Bitch O' The Day: If I'M not allowed to sleep or take naps at work - why is it that every time I go to use a company printer or copier it's in "sleep mode" and has to "warm up" - fuck that if I have to stay awake at work for 8 hours a machine can do it!
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I think if you were a professional poultry chicken in an egg factory you'd get into big trouble and maybe even get called on the carpet if you consistantly laid eggs that completely missed the egg cartons when they come by. You'd better start taking your job a little more seriously Missy!
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I think one part of the Americana hobo history that doesn't get glorified or even mentioned is the days when the hobos on the train would gather in the box car and suck each other's wine/urine/sweat smelling nasty dicks.
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the john off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grandkids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
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Monkey Profound Thought of the Day: If you were a little white mouse with a long white tail living in the subway and you got injured really badly and were covered in blood, I don't think anyone would stop to help you because they'd think you were a discarded used tampon. You'd die there in a pool of your own blood, thinking how mean people are.
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Cave men didn't have laser pointers - no sir - if they wanted to point something out on the screen by golly they had to throw a rock at the screen and say "Ummphug!!"
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I don't understand all this "Satellite Radio" talk. Even if the thing were in low orbit and the volume onboard was cranked to the max I really doubt we could hear it down here.

Today's blog is dedicated to those Jennifer Lopez's ass. Enough said. Matter of fact, that can just be our dedication for the rest of the year!
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I love going to shady Vietnamese restraints because I can be sure that I'm gonna eat some pussy, probably some really really hot tender pussy. (Shaved even!)
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How times have changed. The scene: A bar. Years ago:
Man to bartender: "Gimme a Bud Light please"
Bartender: "A Bud what-the-fuck!? What the fuck is a 'light'!?"
Now:
Man to bartender: "Gimme a Bud please"
Bartender: "You mean Bud Light?"
Man: "NO - a regular Bud please"
Bartender: "Sorry pal, we only have light"
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Would the bank be upset if I rented out a safety deposit box to store a really really cool dog turd I found the other day?
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The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
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Monkey Tip o' The Day: If you call for service, bank, credit card, whatever, when the computerized voice asks you to enter your PIN, account number, SSN, etc., - simply enter it incorrectly three times and you'll be connected to a LIVE PERSON at the company! (Granted it's the special operator for dumbasses who can't hit the right numbers, but you'll get a live person!)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "hi. i'm 24 and i jerk off to pictures of rabbits " (Don't we all? Are you saying this isn't normal? - Monkey)
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Monkey Predictions: By the year 2017, all medicine bottles for all drugs in all pharmacies, by law, will have a small red button that you push, when you do, you will hear audio instructions on how to take the meds! (for folks who can't read the small print) * In the year 2012, in a huge embarrassing NASA blunder, NASA officials will actually have to REMOVE an astronaut from an international space station because the other astronauts claim he "won't stop fuckin' farting up here and it's not funny anymore - it never was - it ain't cool man!"
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The Monkey stays up late at night wondering about things like...if you drink lots of water, (like the Monkey does) would it be okay to just pee on the house plants instead of watering them?

Today's blog is dedicated to Richard Pryor. We'll miss you, Richard. Thanks for the laughs.
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You KNOW you're too stoned/drunk when you find you're watching a show on VH1 about "Serial Daters" and getting into it.
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How times have changed:
1805: Two guys meet out in the street for a gunfight: The whole town comes to watch, everything in town stops, people peek from behind curtains to watch.
2005: Two guys meet out in the street for a gunfight: The cars start honking within 2.3 seconds and people are yelling out of their windows "Yo yo move your fuckin' asses out of the street before I kill the both of 'ya!"
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Monkey Poetry:
Oh what a tangled slinky we weave
When we bring it out with friends on weed
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "i killed somone today...it wasent my fault but he kept trying to jump me everywere i went... i cant live looking over my sholder so i terminated his life, with my bear hands! i feel so confused but i cant go to jail... i will die before they take my freedom" (This one's going to be easy for the cops - this person is a bear - he flat-out admitted it! - Monkey)
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Most Romantic Lyrics: John Couger's "Ain't That America":
"And there's a woman in the kitchen cleanin' up the evening slop
And he looks at her and says: hey darling, I can remember when you could stop a clock"
(Most women, when in the kitchen "cleanin' up the evening slop" are to be avoided - go watch some TV or something fool!)
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A friend of mine was throwing all sorts of shit from his house into his car's trunk. I asked him "Whatcha gonna do with all that junk - all that junk inside your trunk?"
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Kids don't be fooled - us older folks had plenty of violence in our video games even when they first came out. I can remember in "Pong" if you got your paddle in just the right, you could smash that ball into the bottom of the screen - without mercy. And when we played Atari's "Tank" - why sometimes if you shot someone just right their tank would just go flying across the top of the screen

Today's blog is dedicated to Scarlett Johansson.
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Don't you hate it when the doctor is checking your balls, he's down on a chair and he's got your balls in his hand - and you're still in the waiting room with everyone else!?
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I caught my cat eyeballing one of those TV commercials for some smancy-fancy high-tech cat food. Iams or something. I nipped it right in the bud - "HEY!!" I screamed at it "You ungrateful rapscallion what the fuck are you looking at!? Did I not just YESTERDAY give you half of MY fuckin' Frito and what was it...last night..let's see..did I not let you lick the lid of that can of Campbell's Soup that fell on the floor!!?"
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"Happiness Is.." By Monkey: Is there nothing in quite like the feeling of discovering one more bottle of beer that you didn't even know was in the 'fridge?
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I pay my credit card off in full every month. I've never payed late fees nor interest. " (Two words for you: “Fuck Off” - Monkey)
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I don't see what's so bad about "Identity Theft" - at all - I'd LOVE to have someone out there getting all my bills and paying them!
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I think one of the greatest occupations in the world must be "Pool Boy" - do those guys get some pussy or WHAT!?
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Hey you "Body Modification" freaks - here's one for you - smash each and every fingernail with a hammer - in a matter of hours you'll have really cool "arty" black fingernails!
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Here's a free Monkey Tip o' the day!: Guys - want to save some money on cologne and still impress your date? No problem - stop in the nearest drug store on the way to pick her up - find the magazines, find an Esquire Magazine, and rip out one of those annoying full-page stinky-ass men's cologne ads and take it with you. In the car before picking her up, rub the page all over your neck
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I'm looking to by a High Definition black & white TV but can't seem to find one.
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I think it'd be confusing to play an Australian in a game of chess if they said "Check mate" all the time.

Today's blog is dedicated to that chick on the Razr cellphone commercial who struggles to get on her tight jeans. I never tire of her.
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I was looking down at the six-pack on my abs - admiring it - I worked hard for it. But then I figured I better get off my lazy ass and put the damned thing in the fridge.
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"Black Betty" (Ram Jam) re-written by Monkey to be politically correct: "Woa, African American Betty, bam-ba-lam, whoa African American Betty, bam-ba-lam, African-American Betty had a child, bam-ba-lam, the damned thing went wild, bam-ba-lam, she said "I'm worryin' out outta mind" Bam-ba-lam the damn thing went visually challenged"
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I don't get it - when *I* was fucking Angelena Jolie nobody seemed to give a damn...but now that it's Brad Pitt - Welllll now!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I broke my jaw masturbating, dont ask me how.... " (I'd pay big money to hear that story!! - Monkey)
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When I was a kid we had a friend that farted so much that when he pulled up on his bicycle you'd swear he had a playing card stuck in the spokes - he didn't.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped. America, let's take back our television okay? Let's tell the networks it's NOT okay and it's NOT cool to put their fucking distracting graphics across the bottom of the screen announcing other shows. We deal with so many fucking commercials that the last thing we need is MORE fucking advertising when our show finally does come back on. Fuck off and shame on you network producers for your bullshit.
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Monkeys History Lesson: Not many people are aware of this, but on May 21, 1941, when the Bismarck was sunk, the Captain, Ernst Lindemann, was heard to say (His last words): "Sie sanken mein Linienschiff!!!" (You sank my battleship!)
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Monkey has noticed: It seems like the less money you actually HAVE, the more likely you are to wear a fucking chain on your wallet"
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I don't' see the problem with "Identity Theft" - hell if someone wants to steal my identity - go for it - have a lot of fun paying those bills sucker.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of that cat who I saw dead today in the highway. Or was he sleeping!? (By the way our friend 'Possum over at The 'Possum Blog is back to ranting about some BS or another)
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Things that keep the Monkey awake at night pondering: If you were to wank off into a pond, I wonder if it'd be possible for a passing tadpole to say "Awww - look someone lost their babies, poor little guys - there's so many - I will adopt them and raise them as my own"
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I'd like to modify my car in the following way for HOURS of good, clean, free fun: I'd have two settings for my headlights in my car; 1) Very annoying super bright lights, and 2) Fucking outrageously bright lights (Like the kind on the front of a locomotive) The fun would be driving down the highway and having people flash you for what they THINK are bright lights, then you flash your REALLY high beams on. They'll think their eyes are just overly sensitive.
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I was watching a movie the other day "Europe's 100 Greatest Blowjobs" - sure there were some good ones, but how do the producers actually KNOW that these were the best!? There's probably a BJ going on every 00.3 seconds in all of Europe - I don't believe 'em for a second!
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You fuckin' people nowadays in your car with your fancy-smancy bells 'n' whistles - why when the Monkey was a kid we didn't have no damned time and temperature display - hell no if we wanted that than by golly we had to drive by a bank.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I kissed 4 different girls in school today, one right after the other. There is a looong list of girls in my school that i wanna bone" (Just curious - what grade do you teach? - Monkey)
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Somewhere out there, there is a person who collects bank pens with the long chains on them, pens from stores with plastic spoons/forks taped to them - basically stolen pens. I want to meet this person.
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You fuckin' people nowadays in your car with your fancy-smancy bells 'n' whistles - why when the Monkey was a kid we didn't have no damned "heated seats" in the Winter. Thats' what farts were for back then.

Today's blog is dedated to Thomas Dolby - she blinded me with SCIENCE!
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Companies say they like an employee who can "think outside the box" - but then dammit when you leave your CUBE and the BUILDING to go sit in your car and listen to music and drink beer they send someone out to get you and you get called on the carpet. (That one's for you Joe Bloggs)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I am addicted to prostitutes and scotch." (Both will suck the life out of you but you gotta pay big for it - Monkey
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SCIENCE!!
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Things that the Monkey stays up all night wondering about: I can't help but wonder if an oriental lady has gone to an AA meeting and said "My name is Dee Ho, and I'm an alchoholic" and the whole group says "Hi Dee Ho!" (If that's never happened - I think it should)
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If I were a statue of the Virgin Mary I would cry tears or drip blood every now and then just so that people would come to see me and maybe it'd scare those goddamned nasty PIGEONS THE FUCK OFF OF ME!!
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I think almost every guy at one time or another has "accidently" pulled out and shot it all over her body and if you can hear it hitting the pillow by her head and the headboard - you can even grin proudly - just don't let her see you smiling and apologize profusely for the "accident".
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SCIENCE!
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I think if you were a lumberjack back in the day, if you came to the lumberjack breakfast tent and asked the lumberjack cook for a Nutra-Grain Bar, a yogurt, and some skim milk - the other lumberjacks might stop eating from their stack of flapjacks and give you the eye.
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Sure parrots are cool because they can say things, but they'd sound a LOT more intelligent if they didn't say that stupid "AwwWWK!" before every sentence! Awwk! Pieces of Eight! Pieces of Eight!
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Monkey Prediction. In January 2008 in Texas at a lethal execution a prisoner named Louis Green, when asked for his last words, will actually say "I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko"
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Monkey says things that men will never actually tell women: "One of the best parts of doing it doggy style is that from that angle you can pretend she's almost anyone you want her to be since you can't see her face"

Today's Blog is dedicated to the memory of Sam. Today I have some new stuff but there is a dusting of old stuff here too.
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If I were a bum living in the New York City sewer system, I'd come up out of there every morning and yell at everyone up there walking - "You people stop giving me so much shit!!!"
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Dolphins - if they're SO smart why do they still get caught and killed in Tuna nets? If I were a dolphin, the LAST fish I'd hang around with are the TUNA - sure, they're nice guys and all, once you get past the smell, but you don't hang out with them unless you have a death wish! If I were a mother dolphin I'd teach my children a rhyme to help them remember to stay away from the Tuna, something like: "If you swim with the Tuna, you may be dead soona"
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My mother washed my mouth out with soap for cursing - the only problem was she used Irish Spring. When she was finished and asked me if I had any further naughty words to say, I said "Bitseach Feis ort Damnú ort!!!"
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "last weekend my boyfriend asked me to shave my pubic hair so when we're having sex he'll think i'm a little girl...should i be scared about this?" (Your BF is a dumbass - he can't tell you THAT even if it's true - every guy knows this - Instead he should say "If you shave I can do a much better job of going down on you" What a dufus. - Monkey)
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Sure they TELL YOU when they hire you that they like someone who "can think on their feet" - that's what they SAY - but later they'll fire you for never being at your desk or at work. Hypocrites.
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Note To Self: Monkey, In the future, when the temperature is -21 degrees here in Montana, when unlocking an outside door, after taking the padlock off the door, do NOT stick the padlock in your mouth to hold it. The padlock metal sticks to the Monkey tongue. Not pleasant and kind of scary. Lesson learned.
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I think your day would be ruined if you were an American Indian and had people taking their photographs with you and your headdress fell off and the "Made in China" tag was showing for all the world to see.
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My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" the other day. You know the talk - "The birds and the bees talk" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc. The best part about it was that he explained it all in a way I could understand and made me feel comfortable. Thanks son.
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".

Today's blog is dedated to that one guy I used to know - I can't remember his name - but man what an influence he had on my life.
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How to act like a Monkey: When you get one of those letters: "Mr. Monkey this is our final attempt to collect your late payment of $_____, if we do not receive it by December 19, 2005 we will start legal proceedings" You're supposed to grab your dick and say "Start legal proceedings on THIS!". (Of course people in the Post Office give you strange looks but fuck 'em) Disclaimer: If you don't have a dick to grab, simply grab the nearest one.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I have thought about every single woman I work with while I am jacking off, even the ugly ones. Remember women, if you work with men, they have thought of you while jacking off. " (Yeah - so remember that dammit ladies!!!! - Monkey)
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The Monkey wonders: Why is it that when I get ready for work in the morning, I never have to pee until AFTER I'm heading out the door with my coat on, gloves, and hat?
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I think that drop-dead babe weather lady on the Weather Channel is saying those words JUST for me - she talks about things like moisture, and dew, and hot and wet. She's doing it on purpose.
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When I was a kid I was the greatest guitar player in the world and thought I should have an endless supply of pussy because I could play the first 6 notes of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" on my brother's electric guitar.
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Here's how I started MY day:
I dropped the soap in the shower
I bent to pick it up and my elbow hit the water control knob
Scalding water proceded to shower my ass as I bent to grab the soap
I screamed like a girl and tried to get out of the shower
Tripped and fell.
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Oh they TELL me I didn't learn a damned thing in school, but I beg to differ - I specifically remember when we learned about clouds - there's the stratus, cunnilingus, and cirrus!

Today's blog is dedated to Iron Maiden - holy cow they used to rock my world when I was a kid!
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I'll bet every American Indian and his brother was going to the chief for a name change - every guy wants to be "Man with Three Legs" or "He who stands like Tripod" - but I'll bet that chief would just stick to his guns: "No way, you give one brave a name like that and they keep coming!"
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Things that keep the Monkey awake wondering about: I can't help but wonder if this has ever really happened: The Pope takes a big dump before he heads off to some big ceremony or service, eager to get to the ceremony and get a nap, he forgets to flush the Vatican toilet. Upon returning home later that night, he flips on the bathroom light to get out of his robe and take his teeth out, and he sees the giant turds he laid earlier that day and it scares him - "HOLY SHIT!" he yells, he then realizes the irony of what he's just said and bursts into laughter.
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I think it's cool how you women stash your tampons here and there for emergencies - in glove compartments, in your purse, in a drawer at work. If I were a woman I'd turn this into a game - stashing them everywhere I could think of for fun - on top of vending machines, behindtoilets, between matresses, here and there, hither and yonder.
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How many of you are old enough to remember when Pizza Hut was actually a nice place to eat? With a nice salad bar, the place was clean, great customer service, and the pizza was good? Things have changed.
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Monkey Theory: Those penguins in the movie "MARCH OF THE PENGUINS" were actually saying "Watch this, let's go stand out in the freezing Antarctica and these dumbass National Geographic camera people will stand out there with us - it'll be hilarious!" To this day those penguins are yucking it up about that.
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Since I'm an immature male - I think it would be funny if on one of those "Select Comfort Matress" commercials the lady says "I'm a six!" - and the guy beside her in bed grins like a mule eating briars and says "I'm a nine!"

Today's blog is dedicated to the dog "Chernushka" who was launched into space for a one orbit mission aboard Sputnik 9 on March 9, 1961. Chernushka("Blackie")was accompanied into space by a dummy cosmonaut, some mice and a guinea pig. Today we're doing some "Best Of..." But actually there is ONE new one today! (I no tell which one)
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"Chlamydia" has a nice, pretty, feminine sound to it, like a flower almost, but you rarely meet any girls with this name - I don't understand.
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The Monkey re-writes old classic songs to make them more modern: "Squeeze Box" (The Who 1975).
New lyrics: "Mama's got an Xbox, Daddy never sleeps at night"
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
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Blogs I'd like to see: More of the "World's Biggest Sexual Pervert Blog":
Oct 04 2004: Paid a prostitute to come to my house pretending to sell Avon and when I let her in I paid her to spank me with Jehovah's Witness pamplets and curse me in fluent Pig Latin.
Oct 05 2004: Paid a street walker to come to my house and pretend she was Condoleeza Rice and sprinkle Parmesan cheese on my ass while we did it.
Oct 06 2004: Called a phone sex line and had the lady yell out "Help me I'm drowning!" over and over while I held the phone under water in the kitchen sink and masturbated.
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"I was sitting out in a pasture the other day, and I pulled out my cock and was stroking it - suddenly from the corner of my eye I saw a bull approaching!"
(That was a cock & bull story)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "my left nut is the size of a cantaloupe. this is a problem because one time i was having sex and i experienced what they refer to as a "testicular pancake". it is something i never want to experience again." (I'll never have sex again I'm sure of it after this confession - the ol' "Testicular Pancake"!?!? OUCH!
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Don't you just hate it when you go and open a nice can of dolphin meat and find that they've got TUNA mixed in with it!? Can't they even TRY to keep the stupd Tunas from swimming into the dolphin nets?! How hard can that be!?
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I think if I were a huge Great White Shark, I'd swim up on other smaller fish really quickly as if I were going to eat them - but at the last moment I'd turn away and let them live. That would surely make some of them appreciate their lives more after such a scary experience right? The only problem is I'd probably start to get really hungry after too much of this - and SOMEBODY would have to die - sorry.
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It never fails - when some disgruntled employee comes into an office with a gun blazing away at folks, later someone always says "I heard a popping sound - I thought it was just firecrackers" Now I don't know about where YOU work - but MOST places frown on setting off fire crackers in the office - so if you hear firecrackers in your office - it's NOT!!