The
Monkey CageLast entry for a while. June 29th, 2005
I'm sure every one of you, my loyal, loving readers, has had personal tragedies and turmoil in your lives.
I, right now, have a very big personal issue going on in my own life, a very sad and personal issue that I have to work through somehow. I've got to shut down The Monkey Cage for an undetermined period. I'm very sorry to each of you who come here for entertainment and smiles - you are my friends and I'll miss you. And I hope you understand. It's sometimes hard even for me to come up with funny things when there are pressing and big personal issues going on in my life. I'd tell you what they would if I could, but I can't. (I know I tell you EVERYTHING else, but this one's just too painful and believe me it's not funny) I know that you'll miss me and I'll miss you too - but I'll be in your hearts and you will each be in mine. Thank you for your support, kindness, compliments, and love you've shown me in this blog and I DO hope one day it'll be back - and I'll find you when it is and let you know the Monkey's back. I will miss you all until then. Please take care of yourselves, and if you think of me or perhaps something I said that made you smile that's gold to me. I'm not saying I'll never be back, I'm saying right now I'm going through some very tough times in my life that need my undivided attention. I hope you won't be mad at the Monkey and instead try and understand. Try and see the fun and humor in the little things in life - because they're free and all around us, if nothing else I hope you learned that here in the Cage. I hate to be so sudden with this and I know it's almost a slap in the face, but that's because I was holding out as long as I could, hoping I'd not have to do this. So please accept my sincere apologies and look for my return one day. And please don't worry about me, I'll be fine. And most of all - THANK YOU, with all of my Monkey heart, for your love, dedication, fun, and support you've provided me in this blogging experience. I DO enjoy this blogging and so one day WILL return. Your Monkey always, Monkey.
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I, right now, have a very big personal issue going on in my own life, a very sad and personal issue that I have to work through somehow. I've got to shut down The Monkey Cage for an undetermined period. I'm very sorry to each of you who come here for entertainment and smiles - you are my friends and I'll miss you. And I hope you understand. It's sometimes hard even for me to come up with funny things when there are pressing and big personal issues going on in my life. I'd tell you what they would if I could, but I can't. (I know I tell you EVERYTHING else, but this one's just too painful and believe me it's not funny) I know that you'll miss me and I'll miss you too - but I'll be in your hearts and you will each be in mine. Thank you for your support, kindness, compliments, and love you've shown me in this blog and I DO hope one day it'll be back - and I'll find you when it is and let you know the Monkey's back. I will miss you all until then. Please take care of yourselves, and if you think of me or perhaps something I said that made you smile that's gold to me. I'm not saying I'll never be back, I'm saying right now I'm going through some very tough times in my life that need my undivided attention. I hope you won't be mad at the Monkey and instead try and understand. Try and see the fun and humor in the little things in life - because they're free and all around us, if nothing else I hope you learned that here in the Cage. I hate to be so sudden with this and I know it's almost a slap in the face, but that's because I was holding out as long as I could, hoping I'd not have to do this. So please accept my sincere apologies and look for my return one day. And please don't worry about me, I'll be fine. And most of all - THANK YOU, with all of my Monkey heart, for your love, dedication, fun, and support you've provided me in this blogging experience. I DO enjoy this blogging and so one day WILL return. Your Monkey always, Monkey.
It's Monday, June twenty-seventh, two thousand eight
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of two of the Disney Winnie The Pooh voice actors who died this weekend; Paul Winchell (Tigger) and John Fiedler (Piglet). (Winchell also held 30 patents, including one for an artificial heart, a disposable razor and a flameless cigarette lighter. He donated his early artificial heart to the University of Utah for research. Dr. Robert Jarvik and other researchers at the university went on to construct the first artificial heart implanted into humans.)
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My son got an "iPod Shuffle" - but I haven't seen it move once. What a rip off.
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To all you people who say "More fun than a barrel of monkeys" - FUCK YOU - what kind of sick bastard invented this stupid saying? You think being in a friggin' BARREL is one BIT of fun!? Well it's NOT - monkeys all jammed up and you got some monkey's ass in your face and nobody can breath and sometimes you can even hear the monkeys at the bottom of the barrel's little bones breaking from the weight of all the other monkeys.
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And who started this stupid saying "Monkey see, Monkey do" - what the HELL does that mean!? That anything we monkeys see we imitate!? Hello!? Fuck off whoever started that stupid saying.
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Why do some cars bother you with STUPID things!? My car's dashboard reads in big bright ANNOYING letters: "Low Windshield Washer Fluid" - as if I give a FUCK! Tell me something IMPORTANT - tell me something that's gonna save my life, don't annoy me with your windshield washer fluid message! It's been probably six months and I'm hoping that message will go away and it won't!!
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Monkey Interview tip of the Day: "When interviewing for a job, before you answer each question, take your gum out of your mouth while you speak, it's only polite"
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I was in a bar in Livingston, Montana the other night and there was a guy sitting alone at the end of the bar - talking to himself - and every few seconds he'd yell "WET PUSSY!" - no kidding - that's really what he was yelling! My wife thought he might have Turrets. (She takes the fun out of everything - can't we just call people "Crazy" anymore? Must EVERY affliction have a fancy medical name!?) Anyway after we'd left it hit me - perhaps he was trying to get a drink? I'm sure there's a drink called "Wet Pussy". And that poor fellow - I googled it: Yep, made with 1 oz Chambord raspberry liqueur, 2 oz Irish cream, and 6 oz Milk
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I fucked a woman for the first time last night, and for some reason I keep feeling guilty."
(YOU!? How do you think your sister's feeling right now!? - Monkey)
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If I were a clam living in the ocean, I'd never shave, I'd grow a big thick beard just to watch scuba divers point at me and laugh and grab their buddies and point at me and mouth the words "Look - a bearded clam!"
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If I were a scuba diver and saw a clam on the ocean floor that had a beard, I'd get my scuba buddy's attention and point at it and mouth "Look, a bearded clam!"
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_________________________________________________________
My son got an "iPod Shuffle" - but I haven't seen it move once. What a rip off.
_________________________________________________________
To all you people who say "More fun than a barrel of monkeys" - FUCK YOU - what kind of sick bastard invented this stupid saying? You think being in a friggin' BARREL is one BIT of fun!? Well it's NOT - monkeys all jammed up and you got some monkey's ass in your face and nobody can breath and sometimes you can even hear the monkeys at the bottom of the barrel's little bones breaking from the weight of all the other monkeys.
_________________________________________________________
And who started this stupid saying "Monkey see, Monkey do" - what the HELL does that mean!? That anything we monkeys see we imitate!? Hello!? Fuck off whoever started that stupid saying.
_________________________________________________________
Why do some cars bother you with STUPID things!? My car's dashboard reads in big bright ANNOYING letters: "Low Windshield Washer Fluid" - as if I give a FUCK! Tell me something IMPORTANT - tell me something that's gonna save my life, don't annoy me with your windshield washer fluid message! It's been probably six months and I'm hoping that message will go away and it won't!!
_________________________________________________________
Monkey Interview tip of the Day: "When interviewing for a job, before you answer each question, take your gum out of your mouth while you speak, it's only polite"
_________________________________________________________
I was in a bar in Livingston, Montana the other night and there was a guy sitting alone at the end of the bar - talking to himself - and every few seconds he'd yell "WET PUSSY!" - no kidding - that's really what he was yelling! My wife thought he might have Turrets. (She takes the fun out of everything - can't we just call people "Crazy" anymore? Must EVERY affliction have a fancy medical name!?) Anyway after we'd left it hit me - perhaps he was trying to get a drink? I'm sure there's a drink called "Wet Pussy". And that poor fellow - I googled it: Yep, made with 1 oz Chambord raspberry liqueur, 2 oz Irish cream, and 6 oz Milk
_________________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I fucked a woman for the first time last night, and for some reason I keep feeling guilty."
(YOU!? How do you think your sister's feeling right now!? - Monkey)
_________________________________________________________
If I were a clam living in the ocean, I'd never shave, I'd grow a big thick beard just to watch scuba divers point at me and laugh and grab their buddies and point at me and mouth the words "Look - a bearded clam!"
_________________________________________________________
If I were a scuba diver and saw a clam on the ocean floor that had a beard, I'd get my scuba buddy's attention and point at it and mouth "Look, a bearded clam!"
Looks like today is Friday, June 24th, 2005, but maybe not
Today's blog is dedicated to Ava Gardner (1922-1990). Damn. I'm not sure they still make 'em like her anymore. Today's blog is entirely new stuff - all done over one cup of coffee with the window open this morning and I have the house to myself.
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I like when cell phone companies offer a "Free Upgrade" of your cell phone for $20.00. This makes the Monkey laugh.
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Wouldn't it suck if you were drunk off your ass in a bar and the Russian super model Natalia Vodianova walked in and said to you - "You can go down on me all night long if you can pronounce my name correctly and you only get one chance"?
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I think a universal thing that pisses off women is to say "You're becoming your mother"
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I work with customers sometimes in my job. I ask their name and I turn around and get their paperwork. A fellow walks up. "Last name please?" I say.
"Nut" he says, "N-U-T-T" (He spells it)
I turned around quickly to pull his file. I could NOT stop smiling. Nut. Why do I always get the nuts? I wondered if his first name was "Left" - I wondered about a lot of things and I couldn't stop grinning like a mule eating briars. I found this Nut's paperwork, but I couldn't turn around to face him again because I couldn't stop smiling. So I pretended I was having a hard time locating Nutt's paperwork, buying time to stop smiling. I thought of my ex-coworker who told me about her vaginal hernia and that always does the trick, thinking of vaginal hernias can stop you from smiling inappropriately and can also be used to keep you from coming too soon. I stopped grinning and turned around and took care of the nutt job.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "sometimes, i fantasize about being a prostitute so men can use me for sex and throw me out"
(Good news! You don't need to be a prostitute for that - we men are going to do that to you anyway! - Monkey)
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Fun thing the Monkey likes to do: At a big family gathering, at the dinner table, with everyone around the table. Ask for someone to pass you something that ISN'T on the table. This is great fun. For example, say loudly: "Would someone please pass the bottle of Heinz Chinese Style Red Mustard down this way?"
All conversation stops and that's usually a good thing. You can then see eyes scanning up and down the table, everyone's looking for it, nobody finds it. Finally someone will say "The WHAT?" And you simply say "Oh. I guess it's not here, oh well, never mind" Then everyone looks at your plate and food and you can see them trying to figure out what you wanted and what you were going to put it on. It's fun to get people to think.
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My mother said I was twenty-something inches when I was born. DAMMMN - I guess it's ALWAYS been big!!! The bad news is I think I've lost a few inches since then.
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Free Monkey Tip of the Day: You'd THINK that company break rooms are off-limits. WRONG. You can pick almost any large company, walk in, and find their break room. You can then enjoy a great cup of coffee, perhaps some food, some conversation, and some newspaper reading. It doesn't matter that nobody knows you - most people don't know half the people in break rooms! If someone DOES say "Excuse me..um..but who ARE you?" - you just simply say. "I'm from Corporate. Asshole" That'll shut the nosey bastard up and you can go back to your fun.
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Don't you hate it when you're driving down the highway and you lose control and roll your car about eight times and the top gets smashed in and the person in your passenger's seat gets their head smashed in and they're dead and their face is a bloody pulp with shards of glass stuck in it, the engine is pushed up into the front seat and there's blood everywhere, and the car's on fire, and you spill your coffee all over your lap? Damn that coffee's HOT and it burns your poor testicles! And that wasn't Sanka either you just spilled, that was some StarFucks coffee your wife gave you for Christmas - NOT cheap stuff and you only got one sip!!
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My favorite part of a woman's panties, by Monkey.
My favorite part of a woman's panties is the crotch, but the part of the crotch where it's at it's thinnest, it's like a little bridge almost, the part that covers the "taint" - that's my favorite part. Hmmmm
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I like when cell phone companies offer a "Free Upgrade" of your cell phone for $20.00. This makes the Monkey laugh.
_________________________________________________________
Wouldn't it suck if you were drunk off your ass in a bar and the Russian super model Natalia Vodianova walked in and said to you - "You can go down on me all night long if you can pronounce my name correctly and you only get one chance"?
_________________________________________________________
I think a universal thing that pisses off women is to say "You're becoming your mother"
_________________________________________________________
I work with customers sometimes in my job. I ask their name and I turn around and get their paperwork. A fellow walks up. "Last name please?" I say.
"Nut" he says, "N-U-T-T" (He spells it)
I turned around quickly to pull his file. I could NOT stop smiling. Nut. Why do I always get the nuts? I wondered if his first name was "Left" - I wondered about a lot of things and I couldn't stop grinning like a mule eating briars. I found this Nut's paperwork, but I couldn't turn around to face him again because I couldn't stop smiling. So I pretended I was having a hard time locating Nutt's paperwork, buying time to stop smiling. I thought of my ex-coworker who told me about her vaginal hernia and that always does the trick, thinking of vaginal hernias can stop you from smiling inappropriately and can also be used to keep you from coming too soon. I stopped grinning and turned around and took care of the nutt job.
_________________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "sometimes, i fantasize about being a prostitute so men can use me for sex and throw me out"
(Good news! You don't need to be a prostitute for that - we men are going to do that to you anyway! - Monkey)
_________________________________________________________
Fun thing the Monkey likes to do: At a big family gathering, at the dinner table, with everyone around the table. Ask for someone to pass you something that ISN'T on the table. This is great fun. For example, say loudly: "Would someone please pass the bottle of Heinz Chinese Style Red Mustard down this way?"
All conversation stops and that's usually a good thing. You can then see eyes scanning up and down the table, everyone's looking for it, nobody finds it. Finally someone will say "The WHAT?" And you simply say "Oh. I guess it's not here, oh well, never mind" Then everyone looks at your plate and food and you can see them trying to figure out what you wanted and what you were going to put it on. It's fun to get people to think.
_________________________________________________________
My mother said I was twenty-something inches when I was born. DAMMMN - I guess it's ALWAYS been big!!! The bad news is I think I've lost a few inches since then.
_________________________________________________________
Free Monkey Tip of the Day: You'd THINK that company break rooms are off-limits. WRONG. You can pick almost any large company, walk in, and find their break room. You can then enjoy a great cup of coffee, perhaps some food, some conversation, and some newspaper reading. It doesn't matter that nobody knows you - most people don't know half the people in break rooms! If someone DOES say "Excuse me..um..but who ARE you?" - you just simply say. "I'm from Corporate. Asshole" That'll shut the nosey bastard up and you can go back to your fun.
_________________________________________________________
Don't you hate it when you're driving down the highway and you lose control and roll your car about eight times and the top gets smashed in and the person in your passenger's seat gets their head smashed in and they're dead and their face is a bloody pulp with shards of glass stuck in it, the engine is pushed up into the front seat and there's blood everywhere, and the car's on fire, and you spill your coffee all over your lap? Damn that coffee's HOT and it burns your poor testicles! And that wasn't Sanka either you just spilled, that was some StarFucks coffee your wife gave you for Christmas - NOT cheap stuff and you only got one sip!!
_________________________________________________________
My favorite part of a woman's panties, by Monkey.
My favorite part of a woman's panties is the crotch, but the part of the crotch where it's at it's thinnest, it's like a little bridge almost, the part that covers the "taint" - that's my favorite part. Hmmmm
It's damned-near Wednesday, June 22, 2010
Today's blog is dedicated to Sharpies - you know 'em - Sharpie Permanent Markers! I love 'em - you can write on ANY damned thing with 'em and it stays - the black is nice and black and dark, they last a long time, I love 'em!! I'm BACK! The Monkey is BACK! Still a few repeats though - bear with me!
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?" you'd scream
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I want my death to be DRAMATIC, therefore, it is my wish that when I die I want someone to bring in vultures to circle over my body, and come down and start pulling off pieces of meat off of me and feasting. Then I want an undertaker to come out with a tape measure and measure my body for my pine box. This I will leave in my will and it BETTER get done!
_________________________________________________________
Those of you familiar with Monkey Labs, Inc. (MLI) know that we've been working on the "Spife" for some time. This invention originated because I hate the person who came up with that smart-assed plastic "Spork" (Half Spoon, Half Fork) that fast-food chains use. So we've been developing a half spoon, half knife called a "Spife" (US Pat. Pending) - testing is in progress, and we are almost ready to ship. Next we're inventing the half-knife, half-fork, to be known as the "Knork".
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:""Once, when I woke up in the morning there was a ladybug sitting on my leg. All of a sudden I found myself with a biggest boner I've ever had. I have never told anyone. I mean, who gets a woody from the insect in his lap?""
(We all do!! Are you naive enough to think that all of us guys haven't tried to fuck a ladybug at one point or another!? Grow UP! - Monkey)
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Bad phone/cyber sex:
Guy: "So baby tell me what you're wearing right now?"
Girl: "I'm wearing a red flannel nightgown that I got online from Sears. It's 100% soft cotton flannel and I got it on sale the other day when my friend Jackie and I went shopping at the Bridgewood Mall over on Carson street. She said it was too much, even on sale, but she always says shit like that. They had sold out on all the pink ones or so they SAY. I asked the sales clerk if she minded checking in the back for pink ones and she was like..."I GUESS" and rolled her eyes. She went away for about five seconds and was back. I know damned well she didn't go check. And Jackie said she saw her just walk over and talk to another bitch sales clerk for a few seconds and then came back. After that I was tempted to not buy anything there, but the red one wasn't so bad and I'd just paid some on my Sears card so I did have credit."
Girl: You there?
Girl: Hello?
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Are you familiar with those little white spacer looking things they put in pizza boxes to keep the top of the box off the pizza? They look like little white tables don't they? I hate throwing those away - they just look so USEFUL - I'll bet you anything there's a poor family out there of 1-inch high people who would LOVE to have a nice white dinner table!
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Cooking Problems: It happens every time I go to cook Mac & Cheese or some other noodle type deal for the kids. I open the box just like the instructions say - when the water is boiling - and I pour the noodles in the boiling water - just like the instructions on the box say, and every time they've stuck some PACKAGE of mix or flavoring or some magical bullshit in the box and it of course comes out with the macaroni/noodles and lands in the boiling water and splashes the monkey, and I have to fish it out with tongs. Why does cooking have to be so damned difficult!?
_________________________________________________________
My wife was admiring a very small pink shirt the other day in the store. I don't get it - when I do her laundry and accidently create tiny little pink shirts out of her big white shirts she gets upset! I can't win.
_________________________________________________________
Free Monkey Tip of the Day: If you have some leftover food, or some food you're not sure about how old it is - simply bring it to work to your company's breakroom and set it on the table!. Pigs at work will eat anything! Try it - they'll eat ANYTHING! This way you don't have to throw it in your own garbage and stink up the house.
_________________________________________________________
I've requested of my wife that if I ever retire and buy an RV and start driving around the country staying at RV parks with other retired RV people, and putting RV Park stickers on the back of my RV from around the country, that she is to wait until I'm sleeping one night and push a dull steak knife through my left eyeball and twist it until my brains are scrambled and hide my body in the RV park's septic tank.
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I've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
_________________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Tennessee Wedding Blues" - (PG-17) the touching, true story of Bobby-Rae Robertson, a Tennessee man who in 1972 broke with all tradition and not only refused to marry his sister, but fell in love with a girl down the street - someone ELSE'S sister - ruining not only ONE family, but TWO. Watch as the locals try to "convince" Bobby-Rae that he better get with the program. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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Do you think my wife would think I was (more of) a pervert if I wanted her to dress for bed in a nice little frilly white sunday-school church dress, and wear those little patent-leather super shiny girl shoes with some bobby-socks and a pink ribbon in her hair and I want her to scream "Get it big Gorilla man, hit it hard!" as I do her from behind?
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?" you'd scream
_________________________________________________________
I want my death to be DRAMATIC, therefore, it is my wish that when I die I want someone to bring in vultures to circle over my body, and come down and start pulling off pieces of meat off of me and feasting. Then I want an undertaker to come out with a tape measure and measure my body for my pine box. This I will leave in my will and it BETTER get done!
_________________________________________________________
Those of you familiar with Monkey Labs, Inc. (MLI) know that we've been working on the "Spife" for some time. This invention originated because I hate the person who came up with that smart-assed plastic "Spork" (Half Spoon, Half Fork) that fast-food chains use. So we've been developing a half spoon, half knife called a "Spife" (US Pat. Pending) - testing is in progress, and we are almost ready to ship. Next we're inventing the half-knife, half-fork, to be known as the "Knork".
_________________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:""Once, when I woke up in the morning there was a ladybug sitting on my leg. All of a sudden I found myself with a biggest boner I've ever had. I have never told anyone. I mean, who gets a woody from the insect in his lap?""
(We all do!! Are you naive enough to think that all of us guys haven't tried to fuck a ladybug at one point or another!? Grow UP! - Monkey)
_________________________________________________________
Bad phone/cyber sex:
Guy: "So baby tell me what you're wearing right now?"
Girl: "I'm wearing a red flannel nightgown that I got online from Sears. It's 100% soft cotton flannel and I got it on sale the other day when my friend Jackie and I went shopping at the Bridgewood Mall over on Carson street. She said it was too much, even on sale, but she always says shit like that. They had sold out on all the pink ones or so they SAY. I asked the sales clerk if she minded checking in the back for pink ones and she was like..."I GUESS" and rolled her eyes. She went away for about five seconds and was back. I know damned well she didn't go check. And Jackie said she saw her just walk over and talk to another bitch sales clerk for a few seconds and then came back. After that I was tempted to not buy anything there, but the red one wasn't so bad and I'd just paid some on my Sears card so I did have credit."
Girl: You there?
Girl: Hello?
_________________________________________________________
Are you familiar with those little white spacer looking things they put in pizza boxes to keep the top of the box off the pizza? They look like little white tables don't they? I hate throwing those away - they just look so USEFUL - I'll bet you anything there's a poor family out there of 1-inch high people who would LOVE to have a nice white dinner table!
_________________________________________________________
Cooking Problems: It happens every time I go to cook Mac & Cheese or some other noodle type deal for the kids. I open the box just like the instructions say - when the water is boiling - and I pour the noodles in the boiling water - just like the instructions on the box say, and every time they've stuck some PACKAGE of mix or flavoring or some magical bullshit in the box and it of course comes out with the macaroni/noodles and lands in the boiling water and splashes the monkey, and I have to fish it out with tongs. Why does cooking have to be so damned difficult!?
_________________________________________________________
My wife was admiring a very small pink shirt the other day in the store. I don't get it - when I do her laundry and accidently create tiny little pink shirts out of her big white shirts she gets upset! I can't win.
_________________________________________________________
Free Monkey Tip of the Day: If you have some leftover food, or some food you're not sure about how old it is - simply bring it to work to your company's breakroom and set it on the table!. Pigs at work will eat anything! Try it - they'll eat ANYTHING! This way you don't have to throw it in your own garbage and stink up the house.
_________________________________________________________
I've requested of my wife that if I ever retire and buy an RV and start driving around the country staying at RV parks with other retired RV people, and putting RV Park stickers on the back of my RV from around the country, that she is to wait until I'm sleeping one night and push a dull steak knife through my left eyeball and twist it until my brains are scrambled and hide my body in the RV park's septic tank.
_________________________________________________________
I've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
_________________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Tennessee Wedding Blues" - (PG-17) the touching, true story of Bobby-Rae Robertson, a Tennessee man who in 1972 broke with all tradition and not only refused to marry his sister, but fell in love with a girl down the street - someone ELSE'S sister - ruining not only ONE family, but TWO. Watch as the locals try to "convince" Bobby-Rae that he better get with the program. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
_________________________________________________________
Do you think my wife would think I was (more of) a pervert if I wanted her to dress for bed in a nice little frilly white sunday-school church dress, and wear those little patent-leather super shiny girl shoes with some bobby-socks and a pink ribbon in her hair and I want her to scream "Get it big Gorilla man, hit it hard!" as I do her from behind?
I call today Sunday, the 18th of June, 1998
Today's blog entry is dedicated to YOU - all of my loyal, wonderful, fun, hilarious readers! My excuse for having all repeats - I can hardly type! I have worked out for years now, never been injured, today I was lifting a heavy box in a warehouse, and I heard a "POP" sound - something in my arm actually popped - hurt like hell, but with every hour it hurts more and more and I can hardly type - so bear with me with the repeats and I hope you're all having a great weekend and it's better than mine!
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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If you accidently drank a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®, you'd probably be relieved when you read on the bottle - "..MAY be fatal.." That means you MAY not die - that there's hope!
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If I were a Swordfish in the deep blue sea, I'd be tempted to go around yelling "Engarde!" and the other fish would hate my guts in no time. I'd also "accidently" run into other fish with my big cool swordlike nose.
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I think pirates would be pretty upset with you if they were making you walk the plank because you were a sissy, and while on the plank some of your high beam gymnastics training came back to you and you did a switch leg leap, followed by a pirouette, and then a double twisting straight backwards somersault.
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I'd have made a lousy wild-west indian because I fall asleep so easily. I'd have put my ear on the railroad track to listen for the white-man train to come and I'd have fallen asleep. The iron-horse would've run over my sleepy indian head.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Defroster Breath Gum" (MDBG) - tired of going out and starting your car on cold winter mornings to defrost the windows? Monkey Labs, Inc. can help. Simply chew this special defroster gum, go out to your car and blow on the windows - ice and frost literally fall away! (No it won't work on your wife's cold heart or her cold lifeless coochy)
______________________________________
These kids - I come home after being away for about two hours - and they're laying on the floor playing their Gamecube and there's a huge hot, stinking, steaming pile of dog puke on the floor the size of the Great Pyramid of Giza NEXT TO THEM.
Monkey: "Hello? Anyone notice the dog got sick and there's a pile of hot, stinkng, steaming dog puke here on the floor the size of the Great Pyramid of Giza?!"
(They don't even hit pause on their game that I rented for them with MY money to look at me or the dog puke)
One of them: "Oh...yeah. We saw it"
Monkey: "Did either of you get any ideas in your heads about CLEANING IT UP!?"
Them: "Oh - we thought you would want to do it"
(all holy furies of the nine levels of hell were unleashed upon them both and I damned-near cleaned up the dog puke with their Gamecube-shaped-empty heads!)
______________________________________
If I were a beef cow, when the mean ol' rancher wasn't around - I would lead the other cattle in Calisthenics - but I'd call it "COWisthenics" We'd run around the field, we'd do push-ups and even attempt sit-ups. And when we started dropping weight the rancher would just scratch his head and we'd have a laugh about it later when he wasn't around.
______________________________________
If you were a stripper, but really didn't feel like giving lap dances - you could just whisper in the guy's ear "twenty bucks for a REALLY good tap dance" - and he'll of course hear "LAP dance" - and then you take him into a back room, get the money, get him comfortable, put on your taps and do a quick (but GOOD) tap dance for him and send him on his way.
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"Anonymous Sperm Donor" - strange term - guys I think we're all anonymous sperm donors in a way aren't we? Surely you've left your sperm somewhere, or in someone, or on someone - and not identified yourself!? Sure - we all have.
______________________________________
I've never cared much for hunting - and now, living in Montana - I feel out of place sometimes. Some guy at the gas station will come up to me and say "Did you get a buck yet this year?" And I'll say - "Well, no, but I found 49 cents the other day under the dryer". They practically run away.
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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If you accidently drank a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®, you'd probably be relieved when you read on the bottle - "..MAY be fatal.." That means you MAY not die - that there's hope!
______________________________________
If I were a Swordfish in the deep blue sea, I'd be tempted to go around yelling "Engarde!" and the other fish would hate my guts in no time. I'd also "accidently" run into other fish with my big cool swordlike nose.
______________________________________
I think pirates would be pretty upset with you if they were making you walk the plank because you were a sissy, and while on the plank some of your high beam gymnastics training came back to you and you did a switch leg leap, followed by a pirouette, and then a double twisting straight backwards somersault.
______________________________________
I'd have made a lousy wild-west indian because I fall asleep so easily. I'd have put my ear on the railroad track to listen for the white-man train to come and I'd have fallen asleep. The iron-horse would've run over my sleepy indian head.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Defroster Breath Gum" (MDBG) - tired of going out and starting your car on cold winter mornings to defrost the windows? Monkey Labs, Inc. can help. Simply chew this special defroster gum, go out to your car and blow on the windows - ice and frost literally fall away! (No it won't work on your wife's cold heart or her cold lifeless coochy)
______________________________________
These kids - I come home after being away for about two hours - and they're laying on the floor playing their Gamecube and there's a huge hot, stinking, steaming pile of dog puke on the floor the size of the Great Pyramid of Giza NEXT TO THEM.
Monkey: "Hello? Anyone notice the dog got sick and there's a pile of hot, stinkng, steaming dog puke here on the floor the size of the Great Pyramid of Giza?!"
(They don't even hit pause on their game that I rented for them with MY money to look at me or the dog puke)
One of them: "Oh...yeah. We saw it"
Monkey: "Did either of you get any ideas in your heads about CLEANING IT UP!?"
Them: "Oh - we thought you would want to do it"
(all holy furies of the nine levels of hell were unleashed upon them both and I damned-near cleaned up the dog puke with their Gamecube-shaped-empty heads!)
______________________________________
If I were a beef cow, when the mean ol' rancher wasn't around - I would lead the other cattle in Calisthenics - but I'd call it "COWisthenics" We'd run around the field, we'd do push-ups and even attempt sit-ups. And when we started dropping weight the rancher would just scratch his head and we'd have a laugh about it later when he wasn't around.
______________________________________
If you were a stripper, but really didn't feel like giving lap dances - you could just whisper in the guy's ear "twenty bucks for a REALLY good tap dance" - and he'll of course hear "LAP dance" - and then you take him into a back room, get the money, get him comfortable, put on your taps and do a quick (but GOOD) tap dance for him and send him on his way.
______________________________________
"Anonymous Sperm Donor" - strange term - guys I think we're all anonymous sperm donors in a way aren't we? Surely you've left your sperm somewhere, or in someone, or on someone - and not identified yourself!? Sure - we all have.
______________________________________
I've never cared much for hunting - and now, living in Montana - I feel out of place sometimes. Some guy at the gas station will come up to me and say "Did you get a buck yet this year?" And I'll say - "Well, no, but I found 49 cents the other day under the dryer". They practically run away.
In some small countries today is called Yewawamada 14th, 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Enough said.
_________________________________________________________
If I were a rodeo bull, in my spare time I'd try and build a "Mechanical Bull Rider" - a mechanical man that we bulls could put on our backs and practice throwing off. I'm thinking the maintenance on it would probably be a lot to keep up with though, I'd have to build it out of very sturdy materials. And having no real hands or thumbs, but only hooves, this is NOT going to be easy - so shit, never mind. Forget I said anything.
_________________________________________________________
My very large and in bad-shape Mother-In-Law has a huge package of "Serenity Pads" in her living room! At first I thought it must be some kind of female thing - and then I thought - isn't she a little old for that? I'm afraid I read the package today out of curiosity. "Intimate hygiene and bladder control product" it said. Oh. Shit. WHY did I read that!? WHY!?
_________________________________________________________
If I were an octopus I'd have an annoying habit of counting all the arms of my friends and family - I'd be convinced I'd find ONE fellow octopus with only 7 legs (or arms, whatever the hell they are) and it'd drive me crazy until I found one. And when I DID eventually find him I'd take great pleasure in calling him or her "Heptapus"
_________________________________________________________
From a spammer: "We have endevored to make contact with you on multiple occurences and time is running out! Your exisiting home loan makes you eligible for you for up to a 3.50% lower rate. THIS IS GOING TO BE OUR FINAL NOTIFICATION" Yeah right. I'm just SURE it's gonna be your FINAL "notification". Fuckin' spammers - I do so want to stab each and every one of them in the left eyeball with a ball point pen.
_________________________________________________________
They do a lot of reporting on the news on the Panda mating each year. Just once I'd like to read: "Giant pandas Fu Fu and Lin Yang flirt with each other before mating at Fuzhou Giant Panda Research Center May 1, 2005. The couple, whose respective sex is yet identified, were ferried by air to Fuzhou, capital city of East China's Fujian Province from Wolong Giant Panda Reserve in Southwest China's Sichuan Province. However, Lin Lin disappointed Giant Panda Bear researchers in Fuzhou by opting only for a blow job and anal sex with Fu Fu"
_________________________________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey Labs Inc. has always wondered - why do we have to have a clothes washing machine, then move everything to ANOTHER machine to dry it - we at Monkey Labs Inc. said to ourselves - "Let's build ONE machine to do BOTH, for home use" And so we have. You put your clothes in the Monkey Wash 'n' Dry Machine (MWDM) and that's IT. You're done. Easy huh!? (Warning: CHOKING HAZARD -Small Parts. Not for Children Under 3 yrs)
_________________________________________________________
I used to lie to the guys calling about late payments. "Is there a reason your Visa payment this month is late Mr. Monkey?" And I'd give them something about - "Gosh it was an oversight, I thought my wife had mailed it and she thought I'd mailed it" (blah blah blah) - fuck that - I've learned I have much more fun with something like:
"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Ford payment this month is late?"
"Well, I guess it's because I'm a slacker. I could have mailed it Wednesday night, but was too tired to fuck with it. And then Thursday night I ended up going over to the bar and knocking back some yaeger shots and when I got home I was a bit too wasted to sit down with the bills. Friday night I was fucking around reading blogs and got lucky with Mrs. Monkey and fell asleep early, Saturday came around and I did my yard work and Saturday night I enjoyed some Glaucoma medicine, but smoked too much and couldn't do anything but lay in bed and watch the History Channel, and ..."
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Someone in the house left a pair of blue jeans on top of the dryer - folded, but still there. That pisses the Monkey off. So I left them up there. Hope whoever did this in my house misses their jeans and maybe they'll think to come and GET THEM off the dryer for crying out loud. They stayed up there for DAYS. The lazy bastard! Until one day I realized I was missing a pair of my jeans. Oops.
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_________________________________________________________
If I were a rodeo bull, in my spare time I'd try and build a "Mechanical Bull Rider" - a mechanical man that we bulls could put on our backs and practice throwing off. I'm thinking the maintenance on it would probably be a lot to keep up with though, I'd have to build it out of very sturdy materials. And having no real hands or thumbs, but only hooves, this is NOT going to be easy - so shit, never mind. Forget I said anything.
_________________________________________________________
My very large and in bad-shape Mother-In-Law has a huge package of "Serenity Pads" in her living room! At first I thought it must be some kind of female thing - and then I thought - isn't she a little old for that? I'm afraid I read the package today out of curiosity. "Intimate hygiene and bladder control product" it said. Oh. Shit. WHY did I read that!? WHY!?
_________________________________________________________
If I were an octopus I'd have an annoying habit of counting all the arms of my friends and family - I'd be convinced I'd find ONE fellow octopus with only 7 legs (or arms, whatever the hell they are) and it'd drive me crazy until I found one. And when I DID eventually find him I'd take great pleasure in calling him or her "Heptapus"
_________________________________________________________
From a spammer: "We have endevored to make contact with you on multiple occurences and time is running out! Your exisiting home loan makes you eligible for you for up to a 3.50% lower rate. THIS IS GOING TO BE OUR FINAL NOTIFICATION" Yeah right. I'm just SURE it's gonna be your FINAL "notification". Fuckin' spammers - I do so want to stab each and every one of them in the left eyeball with a ball point pen.
_________________________________________________________
They do a lot of reporting on the news on the Panda mating each year. Just once I'd like to read: "Giant pandas Fu Fu and Lin Yang flirt with each other before mating at Fuzhou Giant Panda Research Center May 1, 2005. The couple, whose respective sex is yet identified, were ferried by air to Fuzhou, capital city of East China's Fujian Province from Wolong Giant Panda Reserve in Southwest China's Sichuan Province. However, Lin Lin disappointed Giant Panda Bear researchers in Fuzhou by opting only for a blow job and anal sex with Fu Fu"
_________________________________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey Labs Inc. has always wondered - why do we have to have a clothes washing machine, then move everything to ANOTHER machine to dry it - we at Monkey Labs Inc. said to ourselves - "Let's build ONE machine to do BOTH, for home use" And so we have. You put your clothes in the Monkey Wash 'n' Dry Machine (MWDM) and that's IT. You're done. Easy huh!? (Warning: CHOKING HAZARD -Small Parts. Not for Children Under 3 yrs)
_________________________________________________________
I used to lie to the guys calling about late payments. "Is there a reason your Visa payment this month is late Mr. Monkey?" And I'd give them something about - "Gosh it was an oversight, I thought my wife had mailed it and she thought I'd mailed it" (blah blah blah) - fuck that - I've learned I have much more fun with something like:
"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Ford payment this month is late?"
"Well, I guess it's because I'm a slacker. I could have mailed it Wednesday night, but was too tired to fuck with it. And then Thursday night I ended up going over to the bar and knocking back some yaeger shots and when I got home I was a bit too wasted to sit down with the bills. Friday night I was fucking around reading blogs and got lucky with Mrs. Monkey and fell asleep early, Saturday came around and I did my yard work and Saturday night I enjoyed some Glaucoma medicine, but smoked too much and couldn't do anything but lay in bed and watch the History Channel, and ..."
________________________________________________________
Someone in the house left a pair of blue jeans on top of the dryer - folded, but still there. That pisses the Monkey off. So I left them up there. Hope whoever did this in my house misses their jeans and maybe they'll think to come and GET THEM off the dryer for crying out loud. They stayed up there for DAYS. The lazy bastard! Until one day I realized I was missing a pair of my jeans. Oops.
Here it is Monday, the thirteenth of June, 1999
Today's blog is dedicated to Anheuser-Busch, for combining two of my friends, beer and energy drinks, into one. Half Red Bull, half beer. (B-to-the-E (BE) And today's entry is half new, half old.
_________________________________________________________
A girl once said to me "I'll suck your dick for you" - and later, I started thinking, what a weird way to phrase that - "FOR ME"? I wasn't going to do it!
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If you're a boss, you've GOT to have carpet in your office, otherwise it's just not the same when people get called on the carpet if you don't even have any. Get some carpet buddy.
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Does anyone but me feel sorry for the people in this life who have chosen the career as "Middle Men"? I do. Why? Because everyone wants so "cut out the middle man" - everyone wants to "eliminate the middle man" - well guess what buddy - that "Middle Man" is a vital part of society and he's only trying to make a buck, same as you or I. Cut the middle man some slack. He's got a family to raise, bills to pay.
_________________________________________________________
A survey by the American Psychological Society says this is the most memorable moment in any person's life is a person's first kiss. I have to agree - I'll never forget her - she was dark haired...the most beautiful eyes..intelligent...sensual. I kissed her and she kissed me back - with tongue! Unfortunately it wasn't a long kiss because my mother interrupted us - she'd seen us from the kitchen window "Get away from that dog!!!" she yelled.
_________________________________________________________
I asked my wife if she were interested in having a three-way in the living room. She said hell no. Okay fine! I guess I'll just put a regular bulb in the living room lamp! Damn!
_________________________________________________________
Monkey's Too Much Info Category: (MTMI) I'll swap spit with my wife, I'll tongue every orifice of her body, I'll even eat at the Y when she's raggin, but the Monkey WILL NOT share my toothbrush with her! I don't care if she gets mad, I don't care if we're camping and she forgot her toothbrush - I saw a 7-11 only 12 miles back - start walking - NOBODY uses my toothbrush!
_________________________________________________________
I want to build a home for the homeless. But then when they move in I'm going to have no choice but to kick them out for not qualifying.
_________________________________________________________
Things I have learned: When my wife says "I have to do my nails tonight", this REALLY translates to: "I am going to watch TV and I can't do anything else until my nails dry, it could take hours, don't ask for anything at all, no I can't cook anything, forget sex, nope - not even a hand job, I have taken the night off - deal with it"
(She can somehow still use the TV remote pretty well though)
_________________________________________________________
I'm still learning about Montana and loving it I heard a couple of guys chatting the other day about how well "Dark Brown Damsel Nymphs" work, about their "White Marabou Muddlers", about using "Red Copper Johns" and "Bluegill Poppers". I thought Montana must have some wicked drugs - I've never even HEARD of those pills!
(Turns out they were talking about fly fishing and what flies they use!)
|
_________________________________________________________
A girl once said to me "I'll suck your dick for you" - and later, I started thinking, what a weird way to phrase that - "FOR ME"? I wasn't going to do it!
_________________________________________________________
If you're a boss, you've GOT to have carpet in your office, otherwise it's just not the same when people get called on the carpet if you don't even have any. Get some carpet buddy.
_________________________________________________________
Does anyone but me feel sorry for the people in this life who have chosen the career as "Middle Men"? I do. Why? Because everyone wants so "cut out the middle man" - everyone wants to "eliminate the middle man" - well guess what buddy - that "Middle Man" is a vital part of society and he's only trying to make a buck, same as you or I. Cut the middle man some slack. He's got a family to raise, bills to pay.
_________________________________________________________
A survey by the American Psychological Society says this is the most memorable moment in any person's life is a person's first kiss. I have to agree - I'll never forget her - she was dark haired...the most beautiful eyes..intelligent...sensual. I kissed her and she kissed me back - with tongue! Unfortunately it wasn't a long kiss because my mother interrupted us - she'd seen us from the kitchen window "Get away from that dog!!!" she yelled.
_________________________________________________________
I asked my wife if she were interested in having a three-way in the living room. She said hell no. Okay fine! I guess I'll just put a regular bulb in the living room lamp! Damn!
_________________________________________________________
Monkey's Too Much Info Category: (MTMI) I'll swap spit with my wife, I'll tongue every orifice of her body, I'll even eat at the Y when she's raggin, but the Monkey WILL NOT share my toothbrush with her! I don't care if she gets mad, I don't care if we're camping and she forgot her toothbrush - I saw a 7-11 only 12 miles back - start walking - NOBODY uses my toothbrush!
_________________________________________________________
I want to build a home for the homeless. But then when they move in I'm going to have no choice but to kick them out for not qualifying.
_________________________________________________________
Things I have learned: When my wife says "I have to do my nails tonight", this REALLY translates to: "I am going to watch TV and I can't do anything else until my nails dry, it could take hours, don't ask for anything at all, no I can't cook anything, forget sex, nope - not even a hand job, I have taken the night off - deal with it"
(She can somehow still use the TV remote pretty well though)
_________________________________________________________
I'm still learning about Montana and loving it I heard a couple of guys chatting the other day about how well "Dark Brown Damsel Nymphs" work, about their "White Marabou Muddlers", about using "Red Copper Johns" and "Bluegill Poppers". I thought Montana must have some wicked drugs - I've never even HEARD of those pills!
(Turns out they were talking about fly fishing and what flies they use!)
It's FRIDAY, the tenth of June, 1977
Today's blog is dedicated to my beautiful wife of over 10 years. I love you. (And I know you sneak and read my blog sometimes - and that's NOT why I'm dedicated this one to you!)
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I think a great name idea for a female porn star would be "Krispi Creem" (See I'd spell it differently so as not to have lawsuits from Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc.)
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If you're a poor boy and can't afford Sea Monkeys, I'm thinking maybe some sperm in a jar of water? Would that be just as fun? And if those die, you can always add more - there's an endless supply!
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Dear dog: Between you and I, I think it's sort of hilarious when we're not home and you sneak into the bathroom and get into the trash can in there and spread my wife's tampons and pads all over the place. But listen buddy - she's not laughing, she's getting annoyed - I'd chill with that shit - at least for a little while.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Hamburger Helper" - (PG-17) - A touching, beautiful story of a Montana rancher and a special bond he develops with one of his cattle. This particular cow helps the farmer all day long with ranch duties. She helps the farmer patrol the fence line, she helps the farmer with feeding, with the branding, roping, calving, etc. You'll laugh, you'll cry. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I sometimes fantasise about sleeping with my sister. She's older and always been the popular one out of our family. She's very pretty and has long white hairs on her arms which tend to catch the light."
(Are you sure that's your sister and not your Great Pyrenees dog? - Monkey)
_________________________________________________________
Sometimes you don't want to know cooks in a restaurant TOO well even though they're usually cool/unique people. I know a cook who was telling me about how she was working in a restaurant and looked down and found a small ring on the floor - she recognized it in horror - it was her CLIT RING - it'd fallen out! (But don't let ME stop you from going out tonight!)
_________________________________________________________
I know a girl who was SO poor, SO white-trash that she said they'd cut the arms off of racoons they were eating and if you pulled a tendon just right in the arm the hand would move and it would look like it was waving. You could then stick it out of the end of your shirt sleeve and have lots of fun waving at your friends.
_________________________________________________________
Some fish only grow as big as the bowl they're in. Some plants only grow as big as the pot they're planted in. Yet in the people world - there are super-rich women who live in HUGE houses and they're blonde and petite. But yet the lady living in a tiny 2-room trailer, she weighs 300 lbs. Monkey Labs, Inc. is working now with fish and plants to discover what gene makes them grow according to their surroundings - we will then bottle it and sell it. Stand by for details.
_________________________________________________________
I LOVE IT when radio stations (usually small local AM ones) screw up. This morning the guy was reading the weather, but he was also playing a Journey song. I laughed 'till I stopped. It sounded something like this:
"Some day love will find you
Winds out of the West at 20 mph
Break those chains that bind you
Partly cloudy skies today and
One night will remind you
it's currently 62 degrees here in
How we touched and went our separate ways"
_________________________________________________________
Why do they call 'em "pot holes" - I've never found any in there, and I check each one!
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_________________________________________________________
I think a great name idea for a female porn star would be "Krispi Creem" (See I'd spell it differently so as not to have lawsuits from Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc.)
_________________________________________________________
If you're a poor boy and can't afford Sea Monkeys, I'm thinking maybe some sperm in a jar of water? Would that be just as fun? And if those die, you can always add more - there's an endless supply!
_________________________________________________________
Dear dog: Between you and I, I think it's sort of hilarious when we're not home and you sneak into the bathroom and get into the trash can in there and spread my wife's tampons and pads all over the place. But listen buddy - she's not laughing, she's getting annoyed - I'd chill with that shit - at least for a little while.
_________________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Hamburger Helper" - (PG-17) - A touching, beautiful story of a Montana rancher and a special bond he develops with one of his cattle. This particular cow helps the farmer all day long with ranch duties. She helps the farmer patrol the fence line, she helps the farmer with feeding, with the branding, roping, calving, etc. You'll laugh, you'll cry. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
_________________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I sometimes fantasise about sleeping with my sister. She's older and always been the popular one out of our family. She's very pretty and has long white hairs on her arms which tend to catch the light."
(Are you sure that's your sister and not your Great Pyrenees dog? - Monkey)
_________________________________________________________
Sometimes you don't want to know cooks in a restaurant TOO well even though they're usually cool/unique people. I know a cook who was telling me about how she was working in a restaurant and looked down and found a small ring on the floor - she recognized it in horror - it was her CLIT RING - it'd fallen out! (But don't let ME stop you from going out tonight!)
_________________________________________________________
I know a girl who was SO poor, SO white-trash that she said they'd cut the arms off of racoons they were eating and if you pulled a tendon just right in the arm the hand would move and it would look like it was waving. You could then stick it out of the end of your shirt sleeve and have lots of fun waving at your friends.
_________________________________________________________
Some fish only grow as big as the bowl they're in. Some plants only grow as big as the pot they're planted in. Yet in the people world - there are super-rich women who live in HUGE houses and they're blonde and petite. But yet the lady living in a tiny 2-room trailer, she weighs 300 lbs. Monkey Labs, Inc. is working now with fish and plants to discover what gene makes them grow according to their surroundings - we will then bottle it and sell it. Stand by for details.
_________________________________________________________
I LOVE IT when radio stations (usually small local AM ones) screw up. This morning the guy was reading the weather, but he was also playing a Journey song. I laughed 'till I stopped. It sounded something like this:
"Some day love will find you
Winds out of the West at 20 mph
Break those chains that bind you
Partly cloudy skies today and
One night will remind you
it's currently 62 degrees here in
How we touched and went our separate ways"
_________________________________________________________
Why do they call 'em "pot holes" - I've never found any in there, and I check each one!
Today's called Thursday, June 9th, 2012
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of boxer Jack Dempsey (Heavyweight Champion 1919-1926) 49 knockouts, with 25 of them in the first round. You didn't fuck with "The Manassa Mauler"! Today's blog is repeats - and what would a repeat blog entry be without the amazing, famous "Butter Bean" story being told again?
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It might be worth it to live in a trailer, be a teenager, and have a sister - JUST so that when your parents say - "Monkey take out the trailer trash please" - you could go over and grab your sister and try and throw her out the door.
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"I blew out my flip flop, Stepped on a pop top; Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home." - Jimmy Buffet - Margaritaville. I always thought Jimmy was saying "Stepped on a pop-tart" - that'd be pretty icky wouldn't it? One of those strawberry pop-tarts? It COULD happen, but I don't think a pop-tart would really cut your heel and make you cruise on back home, or could it?
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I'd imagine one of the best parts about being a lesbian is that you get to go down on other women - a LOT! But then I guess if you're a guy you get to do that too - so never mind. Forget I said anything.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: THE JOURNEY (G) - A wonderful, animated, educational children's movie - which teaches children about sexual reproduction in a creative, fun, biblical manner that children can understand and will love. Follow the adventures of "Charlie" the sperm as he is released and starts his journey. Watch as he battles all sorts of unique, fun obstacles and villains on his journey through the esophagus. Children will delight and learn at the same time as Charlie fights to get past the evil Tonsil Twins, your children will root for Charlie as he fights his way through the evil Strep Throat cells twins that try and attack Charlie. Filled with wonderfully done graphics and exiting music, this is a fine Christian movie for all children and parents too! (1hr, 20 min)
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Show me a person who has a clean history file on their web browser every day and I'll show you a person who's been looking at naughty naughty web pages!
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Butter Bean: I had a redneck friend growing up, and he had a friend nicknamed "Butter Bean" - WHY did they call him "Butter Bean"? Brace yourselves this is not for the squeamish: because this guy "Butter Bean" had made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried sex errr...ummm...in her rear and that he'd found an actual butter bean stuck on his thing afterwards! I guess he just HAD to tell SOMEONE about this misadventure - and THAT person told someone, and THAT person told someone, etc. Until everyone knew the story and forever more this guy was (and still is probably) known to all as "Butter Bean"
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Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
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It might be worth it to live in a trailer, be a teenager, and have a sister - JUST so that when your parents say - "Monkey take out the trailer trash please" - you could go over and grab your sister and try and throw her out the door.
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"I blew out my flip flop, Stepped on a pop top; Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home." - Jimmy Buffet - Margaritaville. I always thought Jimmy was saying "Stepped on a pop-tart" - that'd be pretty icky wouldn't it? One of those strawberry pop-tarts? It COULD happen, but I don't think a pop-tart would really cut your heel and make you cruise on back home, or could it?
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I'd imagine one of the best parts about being a lesbian is that you get to go down on other women - a LOT! But then I guess if you're a guy you get to do that too - so never mind. Forget I said anything.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: THE JOURNEY (G) - A wonderful, animated, educational children's movie - which teaches children about sexual reproduction in a creative, fun, biblical manner that children can understand and will love. Follow the adventures of "Charlie" the sperm as he is released and starts his journey. Watch as he battles all sorts of unique, fun obstacles and villains on his journey through the esophagus. Children will delight and learn at the same time as Charlie fights to get past the evil Tonsil Twins, your children will root for Charlie as he fights his way through the evil Strep Throat cells twins that try and attack Charlie. Filled with wonderfully done graphics and exiting music, this is a fine Christian movie for all children and parents too! (1hr, 20 min)
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Show me a person who has a clean history file on their web browser every day and I'll show you a person who's been looking at naughty naughty web pages!
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Butter Bean: I had a redneck friend growing up, and he had a friend nicknamed "Butter Bean" - WHY did they call him "Butter Bean"? Brace yourselves this is not for the squeamish: because this guy "Butter Bean" had made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried sex errr...ummm...in her rear and that he'd found an actual butter bean stuck on his thing afterwards! I guess he just HAD to tell SOMEONE about this misadventure - and THAT person told someone, and THAT person told someone, etc. Until everyone knew the story and forever more this guy was (and still is probably) known to all as "Butter Bean"
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Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
It's June the 8th, the year of the Rooster.
Today's blog is dedicated to "Multik", one of the last space monkeys to date. Multik (And "Lapik", another monkey, flew aboard the Russian Bion 11 mission from December 24, 1996 to January 7, 1997. Multik died soon after landing, after bone and muscle samples were taken under general anesthetic the following day. "Multik suffered cardiac arrest just as the air tube was being pulled out and he began to cough," explained Inessa Kozlovskaya of the Institute for Biomedical Problems in Moscow. "We spent 50 minutes trying to revive him but we failed."
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I think if I were a woman I'd spend a lot of time outside using the weedeater. That thing is huge and hot and vibrates like crazy. Why aren't there more women out using weedeaters!? (Not counting the ones doing community service along the highway - or my Aunt Alex who lived alone and had what sounded like a weedeater in her bedroom at night when I stayed there when I was a little boy. But hers always sounded muffled. Hmm, strange.)
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You know you're getting old. I know I'm getting old because the name for my DICK for crying out loud is based on a childhood favorite show of mine. "David Banner" - from The Incredible Hulk! (1978) - David was mild mannered-and meek, but could in an INSTANT find itself transforming into a powerful seven-foot green creature known as The Incredible Hulk! He would BUST out of any clothes or thing in his way! (Disclaimer: My dick is NOT green - really)
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I'm thinking if you robbing a bank vault back in the day, if you were the expert safe-cracker guy and you had your visor on and your stethoscope out listening for the tumblers, I'm thinking if you fell asleep with your head against the safe and your thief buddies behind you didn't know it, you'd be in a heap of trouble when they finally realized you HAD fallen asleep. And I also think that YOUR cut of the loot in the safe might be reduced because of this sleeping on-the-job BULLSHIT that's been going on for TOO long now. There ARE younger, more ALERT expert-safe-crackers out there ya know, and they do it with computers too buddy so wake the fuck up!
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It's a known fact that guys, when there is talk of Gilligan's Island, will take a vote - "Who would've fucked Ginger and who would've fucked Mary-Ann. Most guys were either Ginger-guys or "Mary-Ann guys" (An occasional dude would vote for Mrs. Howell) I wonder, do women discuss which male castaway they'd fuck amongst each other? I'd guess it'd be the Professor?
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People who need to be pimp slapped. You people that REFUSE to pass ANY official government vehicles on the highway if they're going under the speed limit. Come on, what the fuck!? That's legal ya know, to pass slower moving traffic on the highway! And besides, look at the logo on the car again carefully - what the fuck is the Park County Agriculture Agent going to do to you!? Give you a pamphlet on erosion control for passing him!?
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I was typing in our favorite confession site's name - grouphug.us, and that got me to thinking, I wonder if there's a "groupsex.us" ? And there IS! The page says: "Group Sex and Gangbang Portal" - that's what is says - really - and that got me to thinking - "Gangbang PORTAL"? What the fuck is a gangbang PORTAL? To me, a "portal" seems like something in space, like a space-time portal. So is this some deep space black-hole type thingy leading to gangbangs!? Didn't Stephen Hawking write about this? This could be a HUGE scientific breakthrough and I want to be a part of it. So I will have to investigate.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I've mastered the technique of the ass-pen cannon. I lube up a pen and stick it in my ass and can shoot it out about 3 meters. I have even made little dents in the walls from my ass's powerful shooting force. I'm afraid that someday the military may abduct me and turn me into a weapon of mass destruction. I am a male."
(Dude you really should do the honorable thing right now and that's see your local Army Recruiter in the high school parking lot - they NEED your amazing ass-pen cannon skills in Iraq! Uncle Sam needs YOU ass-pen cannon master! - Monkey )
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I end up with the same old shitty windshield wipers on my car for AGES, they're worn away, they spread the water around and smear it and they screech. But when it STOPS raining I forget about those shitty wipers entirely and so I never buy new ones. I think I'm guilty of this in my life outside the car too - when there are problems or troubles in my life, I'm often so happy when they go away or END that I never really look back at them again when the storm is over, to maybe fix them, and when the problems happen again, its worse than the last time. Which is why when there is a problem we should fix it AS it happens. THIS is my theory on why us guys scratch our nuts and you women see us and think we're uncouth. We're fixing problems as they happen. We're fixers, you're whiners. We scratch our balls, you don't. We have balls, you don't. Where am I going with this?
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______________________________________________________
I think if I were a woman I'd spend a lot of time outside using the weedeater. That thing is huge and hot and vibrates like crazy. Why aren't there more women out using weedeaters!? (Not counting the ones doing community service along the highway - or my Aunt Alex who lived alone and had what sounded like a weedeater in her bedroom at night when I stayed there when I was a little boy. But hers always sounded muffled. Hmm, strange.)
______________________________________________________
You know you're getting old. I know I'm getting old because the name for my DICK for crying out loud is based on a childhood favorite show of mine. "David Banner" - from The Incredible Hulk! (1978) - David was mild mannered-and meek, but could in an INSTANT find itself transforming into a powerful seven-foot green creature known as The Incredible Hulk! He would BUST out of any clothes or thing in his way! (Disclaimer: My dick is NOT green - really)
______________________________________________________
I'm thinking if you robbing a bank vault back in the day, if you were the expert safe-cracker guy and you had your visor on and your stethoscope out listening for the tumblers, I'm thinking if you fell asleep with your head against the safe and your thief buddies behind you didn't know it, you'd be in a heap of trouble when they finally realized you HAD fallen asleep. And I also think that YOUR cut of the loot in the safe might be reduced because of this sleeping on-the-job BULLSHIT that's been going on for TOO long now. There ARE younger, more ALERT expert-safe-crackers out there ya know, and they do it with computers too buddy so wake the fuck up!
______________________________________________________
It's a known fact that guys, when there is talk of Gilligan's Island, will take a vote - "Who would've fucked Ginger and who would've fucked Mary-Ann. Most guys were either Ginger-guys or "Mary-Ann guys" (An occasional dude would vote for Mrs. Howell) I wonder, do women discuss which male castaway they'd fuck amongst each other? I'd guess it'd be the Professor?
______________________________________________________
People who need to be pimp slapped. You people that REFUSE to pass ANY official government vehicles on the highway if they're going under the speed limit. Come on, what the fuck!? That's legal ya know, to pass slower moving traffic on the highway! And besides, look at the logo on the car again carefully - what the fuck is the Park County Agriculture Agent going to do to you!? Give you a pamphlet on erosion control for passing him!?
______________________________________________________
I was typing in our favorite confession site's name - grouphug.us, and that got me to thinking, I wonder if there's a "groupsex.us" ? And there IS! The page says: "Group Sex and Gangbang Portal" - that's what is says - really - and that got me to thinking - "Gangbang PORTAL"? What the fuck is a gangbang PORTAL? To me, a "portal" seems like something in space, like a space-time portal. So is this some deep space black-hole type thingy leading to gangbangs!? Didn't Stephen Hawking write about this? This could be a HUGE scientific breakthrough and I want to be a part of it. So I will have to investigate.
______________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I've mastered the technique of the ass-pen cannon. I lube up a pen and stick it in my ass and can shoot it out about 3 meters. I have even made little dents in the walls from my ass's powerful shooting force. I'm afraid that someday the military may abduct me and turn me into a weapon of mass destruction. I am a male."
(Dude you really should do the honorable thing right now and that's see your local Army Recruiter in the high school parking lot - they NEED your amazing ass-pen cannon skills in Iraq! Uncle Sam needs YOU ass-pen cannon master! - Monkey )
______________________________________________________
I end up with the same old shitty windshield wipers on my car for AGES, they're worn away, they spread the water around and smear it and they screech. But when it STOPS raining I forget about those shitty wipers entirely and so I never buy new ones. I think I'm guilty of this in my life outside the car too - when there are problems or troubles in my life, I'm often so happy when they go away or END that I never really look back at them again when the storm is over, to maybe fix them, and when the problems happen again, its worse than the last time. Which is why when there is a problem we should fix it AS it happens. THIS is my theory on why us guys scratch our nuts and you women see us and think we're uncouth. We're fixing problems as they happen. We're fixers, you're whiners. We scratch our balls, you don't. We have balls, you don't. Where am I going with this?
I call today June the seventh, 1957
Today's blog is dedicated to Stevie Wonder - could that guy throw down some tunes or WHAT?! Talent - wow. You don't find 'em like Stevie anymore. Can I play? CAN I PLAY!!? Go Stevie.
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Monkey Quote of the Day "The best thing about being a FedEx guy is that everywhere you go women are checking out your package."
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Turd Phone". (MTP) Monkey Labs Inc. has now invented a phone that looks EXACTLY like a human turd. Why? Because that way, after you take a dump and the friggin' cell phone phone falls off your belt and lands in the toilet, it'll be hilarious when you're trying to dig it out of the toilet and can't find it among the turds. (Yes - this ranks as our all-time sickest, stupidest invention - but things are slow at Monkey Labs, Inc.)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "When I was in fifth grade, my brother and I made a line of "UnValentines" as a joke. I gave one to a girl that I didn't care for so much. It made her cry, and I never forgave myself for doing it."
(It's not every day that grouphug.us has a truly sad, touching, real, heartfelt confession - this one got me - Monkey)
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If you work for a company in Siberia - and you fuck up - where do they send you!?
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Silly Monkey Idea of the Day: I think it would be fun to build an entire wonderful amusement park for the public! Admission and rides are FREE! Snacks and even water bottles, normally $17.00 in amusement parks - it's all FREE! Because I LOVE PEOPLE SO MUCH! But the coolest ride in there would have a sign: "You must be at least 10 foot 8 inches tall to ride this ride" - sure people would bitch and moan, but hey - them's the RULES man! (And I'd have a huge bouncer dude come and break their skulls for 'em if they bitch too much or dare say I was 'unreasonable' - and the NEXT person I hear complaining about it I'm just gonna have you just quickly shot in the back of the fuckin' head by one of my goons - in front of everyone - to cut out the bitchin' about this ten-foot height-rule-thing once and for all!)
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If you work for a company in Siberia - and you fuck up - where do they send you!?
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You just thought you were pretty damned cool just then when you thought you caught the Monkey repeating himself didn't ya? Think again buster. Don't ever doubt the Monkey again either.
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I snuck next to a dolphin tank at Sea World and when no one was looking I asked the dolphin: "What's 1 + 1?" - the fucker just squeaked and made a fucked-up clicking sound over and over again. See? Dolphins are NOT intelligent! I'm sick of hearing about it move on - why are their still pieces of dolphin meat in our tuna? They're stupid - stupid as hell.
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Monkey Quote of the Day "The best thing about being a FedEx guy is that everywhere you go women are checking out your package."
______________________________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Turd Phone". (MTP) Monkey Labs Inc. has now invented a phone that looks EXACTLY like a human turd. Why? Because that way, after you take a dump and the friggin' cell phone phone falls off your belt and lands in the toilet, it'll be hilarious when you're trying to dig it out of the toilet and can't find it among the turds. (Yes - this ranks as our all-time sickest, stupidest invention - but things are slow at Monkey Labs, Inc.)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "When I was in fifth grade, my brother and I made a line of "UnValentines" as a joke. I gave one to a girl that I didn't care for so much. It made her cry, and I never forgave myself for doing it."
(It's not every day that grouphug.us has a truly sad, touching, real, heartfelt confession - this one got me - Monkey)
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If you work for a company in Siberia - and you fuck up - where do they send you!?
______________________________________________________
Silly Monkey Idea of the Day: I think it would be fun to build an entire wonderful amusement park for the public! Admission and rides are FREE! Snacks and even water bottles, normally $17.00 in amusement parks - it's all FREE! Because I LOVE PEOPLE SO MUCH! But the coolest ride in there would have a sign: "You must be at least 10 foot 8 inches tall to ride this ride" - sure people would bitch and moan, but hey - them's the RULES man! (And I'd have a huge bouncer dude come and break their skulls for 'em if they bitch too much or dare say I was 'unreasonable' - and the NEXT person I hear complaining about it I'm just gonna have you just quickly shot in the back of the fuckin' head by one of my goons - in front of everyone - to cut out the bitchin' about this ten-foot height-rule-thing once and for all!)
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If you work for a company in Siberia - and you fuck up - where do they send you!?
______________________________________________________
You just thought you were pretty damned cool just then when you thought you caught the Monkey repeating himself didn't ya? Think again buster. Don't ever doubt the Monkey again either.
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I snuck next to a dolphin tank at Sea World and when no one was looking I asked the dolphin: "What's 1 + 1?" - the fucker just squeaked and made a fucked-up clicking sound over and over again. See? Dolphins are NOT intelligent! I'm sick of hearing about it move on - why are their still pieces of dolphin meat in our tuna? They're stupid - stupid as hell.
It's Saturday, June 4th, 1971
Today's blog is dedicated to a part-monkey, part-jelly fish named ANDi. Researchers at the Oregon Regional Primate Center announced the birth of ANDi, the world's first genetically modified primate. ANDI (whose name was created by spelling the capital letters of 'inserted DNA' backwards) had a gene for a jellyfish protein inserted in his DNA.
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You ever been half-baked and eat a container full of Ben & Jerry's "Half Baked" ice cream!? Oh. My. Lord.
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Everywhere I've lived this happens. I go out and start hacking away at some bushes or shrubs in my yard and some old smart-assed retired fucker in the neighborhood wearing burmuda shorts comes over. "Hey do you realize you're cutting down a beautiful Parthenocissus Quinquefolia!?
Like I know what I'm hacking away at. Fuck off Mr. old-man-gardening-expert!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I don't really think I'm ever going to amount to anything. I should probably just kill myself, but there's so many good movies coming out this season. "
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Not all of my thoughts are good or even make sense: There are SO many different fish out there in the world - that I have a theory that if you swam around in our oceans for long enough, licking fish, you'd eventually find one that tasted like a nice T-Bone steak, and you'd probably also find one that tasted like a wonderful, sweet vagina.
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After a hard day's work out in the yard, it's amusing to go into a fancy art gallery, dirty and sweaty, smelling of cut grass, beer, and sweat. Within 1.73 seconds an employee will come up to me and say "Ummm - can we HELP you?" I get a kick out of that.
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I was sitting the other day talking to my wife and she was talking about something very important. Unfortunately I could see her nipples through her white shirt the whole time she was speaking - and after she was finally finished I said: "I should just rip your shirt off of you right now and suck your nipples"
Of course she had to ruin the romantic moment with: "You were listening to a THING I said...were you!?"
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I think in a grocery store check-out line people would get angry with you if when you were writing your check, in the "For:" part of the check you listed each and every item you bought. "FOR: Bread, Milk, Apples, Lettuce, KY-Jelly, String, Garden hose, panty hose...." (My really observant readers (Like Mike) will recognize I'm cooking a casserole by these ingredients)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Parking Lot Shopping" - based on a true story. This is the story of George Squyres, a 47-year-old Tennessee man who in 2003 had his brand new car scratched in a WalMart parking lot by a shopping cart someone had left out there. George returned the next day with a high-powered rifle and commenced to shoot anyone he saw not returning their shopping carts to the shopping cart return area of the parking lot. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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The following blog entry is ONLY for the enjoyment of my friends in Russia. The rest of you wouldn't get it any way, so don't even try:
типа, конечно, попробуй сам, три дня трахая двух любовниц и одну, случайно подвернувшуюся одноклассницу, имея в крови как минимум, 32 промилле.... Или простояв в забое и дав стране
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You ever been half-baked and eat a container full of Ben & Jerry's "Half Baked" ice cream!? Oh. My. Lord.
______________________________________________________
Everywhere I've lived this happens. I go out and start hacking away at some bushes or shrubs in my yard and some old smart-assed retired fucker in the neighborhood wearing burmuda shorts comes over. "Hey do you realize you're cutting down a beautiful Parthenocissus Quinquefolia!?
Like I know what I'm hacking away at. Fuck off Mr. old-man-gardening-expert!
______________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"I don't really think I'm ever going to amount to anything. I should probably just kill myself, but there's so many good movies coming out this season. "
______________________________________________________
Not all of my thoughts are good or even make sense: There are SO many different fish out there in the world - that I have a theory that if you swam around in our oceans for long enough, licking fish, you'd eventually find one that tasted like a nice T-Bone steak, and you'd probably also find one that tasted like a wonderful, sweet vagina.
______________________________________________________
After a hard day's work out in the yard, it's amusing to go into a fancy art gallery, dirty and sweaty, smelling of cut grass, beer, and sweat. Within 1.73 seconds an employee will come up to me and say "Ummm - can we HELP you?" I get a kick out of that.
______________________________________________________
I was sitting the other day talking to my wife and she was talking about something very important. Unfortunately I could see her nipples through her white shirt the whole time she was speaking - and after she was finally finished I said: "I should just rip your shirt off of you right now and suck your nipples"
Of course she had to ruin the romantic moment with: "You were listening to a THING I said...were you!?"
______________________________________________________
I think in a grocery store check-out line people would get angry with you if when you were writing your check, in the "For:" part of the check you listed each and every item you bought. "FOR: Bread, Milk, Apples, Lettuce, KY-Jelly, String, Garden hose, panty hose...." (My really observant readers (Like Mike) will recognize I'm cooking a casserole by these ingredients)
______________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Parking Lot Shopping" - based on a true story. This is the story of George Squyres, a 47-year-old Tennessee man who in 2003 had his brand new car scratched in a WalMart parking lot by a shopping cart someone had left out there. George returned the next day with a high-powered rifle and commenced to shoot anyone he saw not returning their shopping carts to the shopping cart return area of the parking lot. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
______________________________________________________
The following blog entry is ONLY for the enjoyment of my friends in Russia. The rest of you wouldn't get it any way, so don't even try:
типа, конечно, попробуй сам, три дня трахая двух любовниц и одну, случайно подвернувшуюся одноклассницу, имея в крови как минимум, 32 промилле.... Или простояв в забое и дав стране
