Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the marketing executive at Enzyte who came up with the "Bob" commercials. Did he die? No - not yet - but when I find him I'm sticking a ball-point pen through his left eyeball and into his brain.
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When I was a young monkey the "adults" would talk about sex - they'd always sanitize it and make it sound boring and dull and clinical. But they'd scare me because they'd always say: "The man puts his seed into the woman's vagina" THAT'S the part that scared the monkey - I knew what a seed was - and I'd picture seeds coming out of my little Monkey penis - watermelon seeds, apple seeds, OUCH!
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "If you think fat housewives are no good at sports - you've obviously never been to a tuesday night bowling league"
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Mother's Day: I remember in kindergarten when we made our mothers "Macaroni Paintings" using macaroni noodles, construction paper and Elmer's Glue - I brought it home to her and she was so happy she cried, and she kept that thing forever. Mom lives far away now, the Visa card is overdrawn - think it would work again or would I be pushing my luck?
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"Chlamydia" has a nice, pretty, feminine sound to it, like a flower almost, but you rarely meet any girls with this name - I don't understand.
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Monkey World Records: The most money ever paid for a deck of cards: My mother-in-law paid close to 3 thousand dollars for her new computer...that she uses to play Solitaire on.
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When you were little were you scared to death of the ends of the escalators? Scared you'd not jump off fast enough and get somehow mutilated or sucked up into it? I sure was when I was a child! (Being barefoot, stoned and paranoid didn't help)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Nippledamus" (PG-17) the amazing, true story of Carl Luther, a Louisiana man who in 1978 proclaimed himself to be able to accurately predict a woman's future by her nipple color, size, texture, and taste. Watch as women from around Louisiana flock to this man's cold trailer to get their future predicted while Carl makes a fortune. Watch for a titillating twist to this sure-to-be-classic (2 hrs, 07 min)
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How come on TV I never saw Lassie sniff any chick's crotches? With that nose - you could really get in there good!
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Don't you hate it when you're standing on an elevator by yourself, bitching about how goddamned slow the thing is moving - and realize you you forgot to press a button and have just wasted 47 minutes?
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"Last night, I got really drunk and went for a drive. I came across two people having sex in a car on a well-lit street. Because I am a real voyeur, I stood behind a tree and watched them for nearly an hour, loving every moment of it. I masturbated, of course, and ejaculated on the tree. Sorry, tree."
(That was no tree you asshole - that was ME!!!! - Monkey)
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To me it's an unwritten rule in bars that when someone goes to dance you're allowed to drink their drinks they left on the table before they get back. (I've been trying to come up with a cute saying to justify this - something along the lines of "Move your feet, lose your seat" - but haven't come up with anything yet.)
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Monkey Invention of the Day: The workers down in the basement at Monkey Labs, Inc. have developed the "MOnkey MOrphing MOnitor" (we call it "Triple Mo") This flat-screened, high-resolution LCD monitor actually changes size and shape to match what you're viewing! Someone send you a very tall beautiful photograph that doesn't look right on a traditional monitor? The Monitor actually grows tall to display your image. Just reading an email? - you get a page sized-screen..need a widescreen shot for the .jpg of Angelina Jolie you're going to wax the dolphin to? Boom - the Triple Mo instantly morphs to a beautiful 24-inch widescreen! (Warning: CHOKING HAZARD -Small Parts. Not for Children Under 3 yrs)
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Did you notice when you were a kid on your birthday that EVERY year some bitch-aunt or other relative just HAS to say "Don't forget to make a wish!" when you get ready to blow out the candles? EVERY time! And afterwards the same bitch-aunt will always have to say "Now don't tell your wish or it won't come true!" (I started wishing she'd die - but now that I've told this - it won't come true..or am I too late?)
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If I worked at a drive-thru on the intercom I'd tell people to "Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me.

Today's blog is dedicated to the hotel employees who have the job of raking the sand in the lobby ashtrays and stamping the logo in the clean white sand - I've never seen you doing it - but you do it and you do it well - and I for one think it looks really cool and am appreciative. A huge happy birthday to long-time & loyal reader Yankeebird!!
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The Monkey re-writes old classic songs to make them more modern: "Squeeze Box" (The Who 1975).
New lyrics: "Mama's got an Xbox, Daddy never sleeps at night"
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My son tells me he wants to listen to "Fiddy Cent" So I dug out "Fordy Cent" from my pocket (it's all I had), and chucked it at his head - he then got to hear forty cents hitting the wall behind him. Hey I try to keep my kids happy.
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Can someone please explain to me how in the name of God, Ra, Odin, Zeus, Baby Jesus, the new pope guy, all things holy, etc, that there is a nasty, used, stained, feminine-fucking-hygiene pad (with wings) out in the STREET in front of my house!?!? HOW!? And why won't someone PICK IT UP for crying out loud!? (Don't look at ME!) Why won't it blow away in the wind like other litter? (I think those fucking wing things are actually stuck to the asphalt?) Why won't it decompose? Did some woman toss it out of a car window!? It won't go away and now every time I leave my house I see it - it's all I can see - even as I drive away from my house it's in the rear-view mirror!
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Reason number 472 why the Monkey is sometimes an embarrassment to my wife: When the movie is over and I stand up, I'm such a pig with my popcorn that my shirt and lap is covered in popcorn crumbs and kernals and it flies all over the person/people sitting in front of us.
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I'm so lazy I tell my computer's spellchecker to "learn this spelling" on my misspelled words just so the smart-assed bastard will quit underlining every-damned-thing I type - he purposely tries to make me look stupid.
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Okay why would my very, very huge, divorced, bitter mother-in-law be getting lingerie catalogs? I'm scared - and wished I'd never seen that. Very scared.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug:"Even though it's been 3 years, sometimes I call my first love and hang up, just to hear his voice. "
(And even though it's been three years - he still thinks you're a wacked-out ignorant bitch for not knowing about caller ID - Monkey)
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When I blow out my birthday candles and make a wish, I always wish that suddenly people would have eyes that light up in the dark like in the cartoons - I would give almost anything to see someone hiding in a dark room - eyes bright and lit up, blinking. Or to watch two people chasing each other around at night with lit-up eyes.
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Reason number 312 why the Monkey is sometimes an embarrassment to my wife: When the restaurant hostess or server asks "Smoking preference?" I say "Marlboro Lights"
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Dear drunk, wild Spring Break girls: Okay - you're getting there, now if you would only understand that it's okay to kiss and make out with each other ALL THE TIME - not JUST at Spring Break or for some dumb video! Thank you and keep up the great work, Monkey.
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Yep - we've come to this - there are actually people who spend every free moment by themselves in their houses watching REALITY shows.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Richard James & Betty James. Richard James was a Naval Engineer working on a project with tension springs when one fell to the ground and Richard said to his wife "I think we can make a toy out of this" And with some work - the Slinky was born. (Betty eventually came to run the company, after Richard left for Bolivia to join an obscure religious group). Family matters have kept the Monkey from providing all fresh material this morning and so most of today's post is "Best of..." material. ("Best of" = "old shit")
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I was in a hurry this morning to get out the door and I needed a coffee fix - I turned on the heater under the coffee from yesterday for a bit, and poured some in a travel cup and out the door I went. I was upset because my wife had rushed me and the coffee was only lukewarm I'm sure. But then I read the top of the travel cup - "Caution - Contents May Be Hot" TERRIFIC!!!! But sadly enough, the contents weren't hot.
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Why is it that when using peer-to-peer downloading software, almost every search imaginable turns up some form of Brittany Spears? How does this happen? You could search for James Taylor and get:
Brittany Spears tits.mpg
Brittany Spears gangbanged in a 1998 John Deere 9510 Combine by 3 horny Iowa farmboys.jpg
Brittany Spears naked covered in grape jelly in hot lesbian action.jpg
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Jan 2, 2005: Rotting, stinking, bloated
Jan 3, 2005: I can still see where he used to wear his saddle.
Jan 4, 2005: Everyone I know has called to give their condolences
Jan 5, 2005: Now he's really starting to stink and bloat - must move him out of the back yard today!
(This is: Blogging a dead horse)
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Don't you just hate it when you're starving and you're shooting at some food, and up from the ground comes a bubblin' crude!? You can't friggin' EAT bubblin' crude - you can't DRINK it - dammit man when I shoot at food I want to hit FOOD!!!
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If I were a Swordfish in the deep blue sea, I'd be tempted to go around yelling "Engarde!" and the other fish would hate my guts in no time. I'd also "accidently" run into other fish with my big cool swordlike nose.
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I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert. (I love him)
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Monkey Invention of the Day: This invention IS only for guys who have balls but don't use them! (For example a lot of married guys I know) Monkey Ball Pocket (MBP) - with this invention, your testicles are surgically removed, leaving only a sack (it doesn't hurt and you weren't using them anyway) You can then carry anything you want - instant storage space! Use it to carry extra change, cigarettes, keys, your weed stash, sneak snacks into movies, the possibilities are endless! Sign up now!
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My family LOVES it when there's a power outage, and I go around secretly and turn on every light, TV, radio, stereo, game, computer, etc in the house - with full volumes. It makes for some fun times when the power does come back up. (My family pretends they're angry about it - but deep down I think they're laughing.)
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" I'll serve your ass like John MacEnroe - If your girl steps up, I'm smacking the ho" - House Of Pain - "Jump Around" 1992
I'm thinking these lyrics have to be some of the most beautiful, most romantic lyrics ever penned by man
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Note to self: Never try to make your own "Raisin Bran" by putting raisins in a box of corn flakes - it's NOT the same - those people at Post who make Raisin Bran are paid, trained professionals and know how to make the raisins chewy and sugary - it's not to be done at home you big cheapskate bastard - just go buy some Raisin Bran!
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Note to self(2): In stores, they don't call that part of the store "Bras and shit" - they call it "Intimate Apparel" - and it IS frowned upon to touch the mannequins' panty-clad asses no matter how much it seems so right.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the pig that died recently that provided the Monkey with that bacon I had last week for breakfast that was SO good! I pulled it out of the pan and stick it on paper towels and it comes out SO crispy and yummy! Damn I appreciate your sacrifice Mr. Pig - your ass tastes GOOD! Thank you sir and RIP. Mostly new stuff today with a few classics (I think) thrown in for good measure.
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A survey by the American Psychological Society says this is the most memorable moment in any person's life is a person's first kiss. I have to agree - I'll never forget her - she was dark haired...the most beautiful eyes..intelligent...sensual. I kissed her and she kissed me back - it wasn't a long kiss because my mother interrupted it from the kitchen window where she saw us - "Get away from that dog!!!" she yelled.
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If I were a girl I would intentionally pee on a guy's face after/while I came and pretend it was "female ejaculation" and then giggle about it later.
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Monkey Idea of the Day: I want to have a skunk's stink bladder surgically implanted into my body - that way - if I'm ever hit by a car, or I fall off a building, or someone shoots me - I may die, but I'll stink up the place something fierce on the way out - and the newspapers will read "Amazing 'Skunk Man' killed" - that alone would make it worth the surgery.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I like to take huge dumps at my all my friends houses. After I make sure the toilet is clogged I flusht a couple times and run out screaming abandon ship!! It's hilarious. My friends don't really care because their moms are the ones that clean it up."
(Listen you young punk: If you came to my house and did that - I'd stick your head in that toilet so fast your head would spin! Literally! - Monkey)
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I was going on and on about a mutual lady friend to my wife, about how great she was. But my CLUE that I'd gone on for too long was my wife interrupting me with "Does she suck your dick? Mmmm??" Well, no. Good point. Never mind her - she's not important after all.
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The next time I'm attacked by a Grizzly Bear, I'm going to try something - it's my theory if you tickle them under their chin that this will calm them and they'll become your friend for life.
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I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points
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Stupid Movie Idea of the day: "PENNY DAY (PG-13) - all hell breaks loose in the United States when the Treasury Department declares an upcoming "penny day" - in which all pennies are to be worth 12 cents each. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
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How come the REAL nurse uniforms are nothing like what nurses uniforms look like in porn? From now on I think we should re-shape our world to where reality matches porn
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Carb Gun" (MCG) - with so many people cutting carbs and scared of them - we at Monkey Labs Inc., have developed this gun, which, will shoot and inject the victim with staggering amounts of carbs. One "bullet" from this gun is equivalent to 48 BAGS of Frito's chips. "Don't move or I swear I'll pop some carbs in your ass Mother fucker!" (Warning: CHOKING HAZARD -Small Parts. Not for Children Under 3 yrs)

Today's blog is dedicated to memory of the 105 brave men who died aboard the US Submarine "Argonaut" (SS-166) on January 10, 1943. America's largest submarine during WWII, she was sunk by aircraft and the Japanese destroyers Isokaze and Maikaze southeast of New Britain in Solomon Sea on her Third War Patrol.
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I see on the news they're taking anything off the store shelves that could possibly be used to make Meth; Sudafed, Acetone, etc. I'm starting a rumor that Clay Aiken's music is the traditional meth-lab background music preferred by 9 out of 10 meth lab workers. Wish me luck and don't tell my wife please.
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Blogs I'd like to see: (The Vatican's Neighbor Blog):
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005:
Not sure WHO lives next door to me, some rock star or celebrity billionaire of some sort, but god dammit I've had enough - they must be having some kind huge party or some shit for days - there's people EVERYWHERE which makes it very difficult for me to leave MY driveway, but this morning was the final straw. Friggin' white smoke coming out of the roof over there -(They're smoking something in there or it's a meth lab) - and then BELLS start - huge stupid BELLS when I'm trying to take my nap! Assholes! Some rock-star/cult looking freaks came out on the balcony and the fans are going insane. I'm sick of it - I'm calling the cops...AGAIN.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I'm straight but my penis is gay. Does this make me gay? "
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So if I pour a whole bottle of shampoo into the Pacific Ocean, will some guy skinny-dipping in Kao-hsiung, Taiwan feel his pee-pee burning?
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Movie Idea of the Day: OFF BALANCE (PG-17) - the amazing, touching, TRUE story of a an off-balance washing machine in an apartment building in Queens, NYC . The washing machine jumped around, then smashed through the apartment wall, and fell 50 floors to the street, killing 13 pedestrians, which caused a riot, a fire, and 4 fatal shootings. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never look at that off balance washing machine again in the same light. (2hrs, 04 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest, Decapitation)
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"Oh my darlin' knock three times on the ceiling if you want me, twice on the pipes, means you ain't gonna show" Hey assholes you ever heard of email!? There's people trying to sleep around here - you want me to call the fucking landlord? Again? Cut that shit out!
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I yell at my kids to stop talking trash before I have to come in there, and I mean it. I hear one of them whispering to the other one: "banana peels, coffee grounds, tin cans..." Where did I go wrong to raise little smartass monkeys?
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If I were doing a PhD Thesis I'd do mine on a very interesting phenomena I've discovered - the effects of fear on the human bowels. Half the people in the world when frightened get "scared shitless", while the other half shits their pants. What would make one person shit in fear and the next person totally shitless? I would do extensive research.
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Speaking of Popes - why did they hire a new Pope that looks so much like the other one? Why did they hire a guy that's so old!?
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I probably need to learn more about vegetables - I was shopping the other day in Albertson's and my wife sent ME over to the vegetable section - "Grab a plastic bag and put one stalk of Cilantro in it please" I was scared to death, alone in the fruits & veggies section of Albertsons - but luckily they had signs below each vegetable telling what they were. I finally found this "Cilantro" stuff and it was next to some other Parsley stuff and I couldn't tell one from the other. I was bent down staring at these strange green things and suddenly it started raining or misting cold water ON MY HEAD!! Yep some asshole turned on what I later learned was an Automatic misting machine! I'm not going shopping anymore. No sir.
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I asked my wife if she were interested in having a three-way in the living room. She said hell no. Okay fine! I guess I'll just put a regular bulb in the living room lamp! Damn!

Today's blog is dedicated to memory of the lady killed in August of 2001 and the 44 passengers injured on a Greyhound Bus headed from Kansas City to Nashville when the bus driver drifted into the median and overturned. It's bad enough to be on a Greyhound bus going anywhere, but to ride a Greyhound bus to your DEATH? Damn that sucks.
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Having kids - I have this speech down pat:
"Okay "sick boy" - you can stay home from school today if you're REALLY sick - but A), I don't believe you, and B), with your grades you can't afford to miss a single day. You WILL stay in the bed all day "sick boy" - you will NOT miraculously recover in one hour - you WILL get any school work you missed tomorrow, you will NOT be running around this house, you WILL be in bed - you will not laugh, joke, or talk - and you WILL go to bed early tonight - if you stay home from school today your life will be HELL...so you better REALLY be sick...still wanna stay home?.....Punk? Well...do ya?!"
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"I'm a ho, you know I'm a ho, i rock three different freaks after every show" - I sing this old-school rap song around the kids the other day and they lose their minds - "There's no song like THAT!" they say. "Oh yeah there is!" - and I tell 'em all about Whodini and I sing the song to them all day long. They're now convinced music "back in the day" was really sad. ______________________________________________________
I'm sorry, Dog the Bounty Hunter, but if I were smoking "ice" in Hawaii and looked up and saw a middle-aged, long-haired but balding man dressed up like he's in a heavy metal band, carrying a can of Mace, wearing feathers in his hair, followed by his wife Beth, dressed like Lita Ford, who can barely walk her boobs are so huge and her heels too high, and he's running up on me saying "I'm the DOG! - FREEZE BRA!!" - I'd have to bust a gut laughing, sorry bra, no offense, but I'd have no choice, mace me if you must - but I'd laugh.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I want to kill most of humanity. People come up to me and ask me questions, and I answer them, but all I can think about is what it would look like if I could splatter their brains on the wall. Or how long it would take to drown them. Or other such morbid thoughts. I hate people."
(You're so lucky to have such an attitude! There are hundreds of occupations you could fill! You could work at the return desk at Target, you could work at the Hertz rental car desk, you could work at Wal*Mart, a lawyer...oh there are so many choices - the world is your oyster! - Monkey)
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My wife beckons me to the kitchen and I walk ALL the way in there:
Wife: "He (son) is in there watching TV AGAIN - when he KNOWS he's lost his TV priviliages this week because of his grade report - and he's in there watching it again now!"
Monkey: "You called me in here to tell me this? Why are you telling ME? Go in there and give him a punishment for this then!"
What I SHOULD HAVE said: "Okay honey, don't worry, I'll take care of it" (She could've taken care of it - but she wanted ME to take care of it - some sort of game - why didn't I play along!?)
(As a matter of fact that's what my response should ALWAYS be - I'd get more quantity/quality nookie, and she's be a very happy woman. I will make myself write "OKAY HONEY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT - DON'T WORRY!" on a piece of paper 1,500 times for punishment - #2 pencil)
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"Burst" is the correct form - not "Bust" - that's what teachers and parents would tell you - gimme a break - who the hell would say "I'll BURST your ass if...." - it's not the same, even if it is correct, it's lame. Who could say with a straight face: "Hey Fred BURST open that six pack and throw me one" - NOPE! Lame! Sometimes proper English has no place in the real world - sorry - hate to bust your bubble.
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My wife's cat - it doesn't like me, and I don't like her. The cat's name - well, she has a real one - the name I give her: "Osama Bin Kitty". This morning Osama Bin Kitty was laying on the bed with my wife and I - turning her nose up at me as usual (the cat not my wife) - and Osama Bin Kitty rolls over into a little "cute" ball - vying for my wife's attention - jealous that my wife is talking to ME instead of her. Sure enough my wife sees Osama all curled up and says "Awwww - look at HER - she looks like a cute little sweet black cinnamon bun DOESN'T SHE!?" A "Sweet Little Black Cinnamon Bun"!? Please. Way to go cat - you won that one...again. Osama Bin Kittty: 5 Monkey: 0
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Brain Cell Store" Did you kill or lose too many brain cells last night through alcohol/drugs and you can't afford to lose any? Don't WORRY silly - simply head on over to Monkey's Brain Cell Store the next day and we'll sell you more! It's that easy! Of course the little bastards ain't cheap - but hey - you're already starting to slur your words when you're straight - and you're HOW OLD?! Come on in and re-stock! (Disclaimers: Brain cells not sold separately, your results may vary, brain cells may present choking hazard to small children, use at your own risk)
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You girls in pornos getting facials - you can't move your hair aside first - people DO notice - that ruins the moment - you can take a shower later - come on!
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Scary "women talk": I made the mistake of eavesdropping on my wife and her girl friends talking - they were talking about fashion and were saying really weird freaky shit like "Green is the new white, blue is the new red, lilac is the new purple, etc etc" - what the HELL!?!? I downed another beer and tuned them out and vowed never to listen in on them again - I don't want to know.
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I'd love to be in the meeting room when hotel restaurant management sets their prices for room service - they've gotta be just rolling on the floor laughing, almost rolling over their crack pipes in laughter:
"How much should we charge for this hamburger meal?"
"I say $11.00!" one will say.
And they all bust out laughing and jot down $11 and move to the next item. Fun fun isn't it you assholes. Yuck it up you bastards.
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The Mother-in-Law monster is leaving town for a few days - I have been "tasked" with taking her to the airport because Mrs. Monkey is working that day and I'm off. This means we arrive at the airport about 3-4 HOURS before the flight leaves and I have to sit with her - I will listen to 3-4 hours of bitching and moaning and I will listen to her stories of her Diabetes and her blood-sugar and I will pretend to care. I will listen to her tell me how she has terrible gas, I will listen to stories of the corns on her feet. She will tell me about the things she packed in her suitcase and why. If I don't get some pussy from Mrs. Monkey that night after this airport trip there's gonna be hell to pay.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Jean-Louis Toubon, a 44 year old Frenchman in Marseilles, France, who choked to death on his girlfriend's edible panties. Strands of the kiwi-strawberry-flavoured thong lodged itself in his windpipe and he died.
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I know a lady who's addicted to playing Kino - she lives for it - I'm thinking she may need Kino-Therapy to get over this. (Okay don't leave yet - it'll get better...I hope)
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Monkey's Patented Porn-Clip Name Generator®! (The MPPCNG) Simply pick one random word from column A, followed by a random item from column B, and do the same with column C! Instant Porn Clip Name!!! (Monkey Laboratories Inc. is hereby due any royalties/profits from anyone using said Porn-Clip name generator® to create movie titles and profit from them. Patent Pending.)

A..........................................B........................................C
horny sluts........................on hidden camera with.............huge black dicks
hot matures wives.............begging for..............................huge dildos
Hot Lesbos........................taking on.................................pussy
bitches in heat...................who love..................................anal action
Barely legal teens...............who crave.................................your wife
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "i raped someone dressed up as Ronald McDonald"
(People shouldn't be walking around dressed as Ronald McDonald - they're just asking for it - but then again - no means no - even from Ronald. -Monkey)
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Out branding cattle the other day here in Montana and I asked a couple of the old cowboys who they thought was gonna get voted off of American Idol this week - they seemed to not understand anything I said. Go figure.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey's Edible Bread Ties: It's that simple - you open the bread package and instead of leaving the bread tie on the counter for your wife to clean up after you - you just pop it in your mouth and eat it - tastes yummy, it's gone, and you don't have to walk ALL the way over to the garbage can. (Disclaimer: Use caution when eating: the wire is still there and NOT edible - but the plastic around the wire IS edible.)
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These kids nowadays - SPOILED - if kids today want to watch a porn under their blankets when they go to bed they download it on their wireless laptops, puts on headphones and play it. By golly when I was a kid I had to lug Dad's 120 pound 1958 Keystone Super 8 mm film projector up from the basement, sneak into Mom's room and find his old black and white silent porn movie in his sock drawer, sneak out again, thread the film through, run an extension cord across the bedroom, and project the grainy shitty porn onto a pillow.
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Monkey Thrilling Moment of the Day:
Being asked by my wife to put some Neosporin on the bottom of my huge Mother-In-Law's foot on a blister.
Someone please push an ice pick through my right ear and into my brain and kill me.
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Just so you know. I saw a guy in Burger King back in the back making burgers, he was busy - make the burger, lick his fingers and get a burger wrapper, wrap the burger, make another burger, lick his fingers, get a burger wrapper, wrap it up, over and over I watched him. But you know, his saliva wasn't that bad - that burger was great! Thank you Mr. Finger-Licker-Wrapper guy!
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Favorite quote of the day from my all-knowing Mother-In-Law, the "Master of the Obvious":
"When the sun goes down in the evening the temperature will usually drop"
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Those bastard sellers on eBay - they sell vibrators and have the nerve to say "No refunds" - But what if she's just not satisfied? Why can't we send it back right away!?! I just don't get it.
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Most guys have said they'd give their left nut for something or another - I wonder about guys that have actually had to give their left nut - what if they want something else? Nobody gives their right nut for anything - what do they have to offer? NOTHING - right nuts are useless.
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Monkey Trivia: Caroline Kennedy had a dog named Pushinka. What was unique about this bitch? (the dog not Caroline silly!)
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I ask you; Can there be anything more sexy than a beautiful barefoot woman in a sundress and a straw hat?
Maybe - if she were playing with a kitten in a field of flowers! Yeahhh....and maybe she's not wearing any panties?....and she's shaved?...mmm.....her toenails....they're painted red?...and she's intelligent...and she's got a cooler of Coors nearby?...and she's happy with herself and her body and very secure. (Okay that last one is pushing it and makes this unrealistic - I'll quit now)

Today's blog is dedicated to the first Monkey in space - a squirrel monkey called Gordo. Gordo was launched into space on December 13, 1958, in the nose cone of the US Army rocket Jupiter AM-13. Gordo did well in the flight, but drowned in the Atlantic Ocean when the flotation device on the nose cone failed and it sank. A few new items today - but a lot of repeats too - including the infamous "Butterbean" (sorry - but too many new readers not to share the butterbean story!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug " I had my first orgasm today, it was through masturbation. Then i called my boyfriend and told him I didn't need him anymore. "
(And surprise surprise he doesn't need you anymore either - I saw him confessing about his dog and something he did with peanut butter - Monkey)
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Monkey Idea of the Day: Someone needs to be making money off those "Minuteman" down on the border (or at their houses fucking their wives). I'm going to drive down there with a food truck - and have specials: "Minuteman Burgers with Minuteman fries - only $4.99 - ready in a minute man or your money back!"
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Anytime that anyone does anything with or mentions antifreeze some know-it-all is always quick to point out "Dogs love the taste of antifreeze - but it'll kill 'em - be careful" The SPCA tells everyone the same thing. Monkey Laboratories, Inc., after years of research and development - is pleased to announce "Antifreeze Flavored Dog Food"!!!! Tastes JUST like the real thing to dogs but without the poison - enjoy that antifreeze flavor without losing the life! (Green or Blue flavors available. Warning: NOT for use in motor vehicles - will kill an engine)
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Sure they TELL YOU that they like someone who "can think on their feet" at interviews - that's what they SAY - but later they'll fire you for never being at your desk or at work.
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I had a redneck friend growing up that had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean" - WHY did they call him Butterbean? Because he made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried anal sex, and later he'd actually looked down and found a Butterbean stuck on his thing ...he was forever after known as "Butterbean"
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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We're able to say to our kids now (With a shaking fist in the air like an old cranky man)- "When I was your age, back in the day, we didn't have all this terrible Crack and Ecstacy and fancy-smancy Meth labs - by golly all we did was smoke pot - you kids nowadays are just OUT OF CONTROL!!!!" and - "You punk kids nowadays - why when I was your age if we wanted to get high by golly we had to go out and actually GROW our pot, harvest it, dry it - BACKBREAKING labor! - you kids nowadays just set up your fancy little Meth labs or go down the corner dealer - you're spoiled and lazy and good for nothing! Instant gratification is all that matters these days!!!"
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Do male tigers wake up in the morning with tiger wood?
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Monkey tip for guys: If you want to get laid - the next time you're in the shower and find one of her long hairs - place it on the shower wall so it sticks and move it around with your finger to form a heart shape - then tell her there's a message from you in the shower and that you love her. I did this - it's HUGE points! (warning: DO NOT use your own pubic hairs and spell out "Me and you - tonight!" - it's impressive and thoughtful but women wouldn't be impressed)
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Blogs in history: Attica Prison blog:
September 9, 1971: "Same ol' thing today - boring day - hope tomorrow's better"
September 10, 1971: "Today was a riot!!"
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Way back in the day when men shot iron balls out of their guns and cannons instead of bullets you'd have a hard time sounding tough when you threatened someone if you just said "You will be tasting my balls you bastard!" The other fellow would probably start giggling. Or "If you don't get away from me you're gonna be feeling my cold balls!" I'll bet a lot of guys were happy when they switched to bullets instead of balls so we could sound tougher and cut out the giggling.
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I've seen enough prison and chain-chain movies to know if I ever get put on chain gang duty along a hot mississippi highway I'm going to ask the road-boss if I can be assigned the Black & Decker "Leaf Hog" Leaf Blower with Variable speed control instead of one of those slingblades.

Today's blog is dedicated to the Violent Femmes - I don't know much about their other music - but that "Blister in the Sun" is one of my favorite songs - a very strange song - a fun song. "When I'm a-walking I strut my stuff and I'm so strung out I'm high as a kite I just might stop to check you out"
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Monkey Hobby: I sometimes set my computer's date to far the future - that way my emails are guaranteed a nice spot in people's inboxes. Sure people bitch when you play with your computer's date - but screw 'em - it's MY computer - if I want it to be a time traveling machine I will! I'm an American dammit and my computer can be set to any date and time I desire it to hoss - you got me!?
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"Baby Daddy" and "Baby Mama" - you've heard the terms - you probably know what they are - but how come you never see guys with coffee mugs that say "World's Greatest Baby Daddy" or how come we never see "#1 Baby Mama" Tee-shirts?
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Monkey Idea of the Day: Since everyone just can't live without "Reality Shows" - Monkey Studios, Inc. is creating a Reality Show called "The Amazing Pope" - in it, Cardinals from all over will live together in a house - each week there is a competition and one of the Cardinals will be voted out of the house. (We're calling it a "Pope-Off") This show will be filled with drama - watch as the Cardinals fight over the bathroom in the morning, who will form alliances? Who will survive every "Pope-Off" and emerge victorious as the next Pope!? Watch Monkey Cage TV (MCTV) to find out!
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I've GOT to start carrying a box of marquee letters in my car - there are too many opportunities. I saw a hotel marquee today that read "FREE CONT BREAKFAST" and oh what this monkey would've done to be able to change that to Free Cunt Breakfast!
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So I'm sitting here on the computer and the teenaged son is in the room - suddenly a smell overpowers me - a terrible smell, like John Wayne Gacy's crawlspace on a hot summer day - I look around - there's no dog, so it's not her. "What the...!?" I say.
The teenaged son: "Oh sorry I just took off my socks"
Monkey: "Holy shit son - your feet STINK!!! What's wrong with you!? Get out of here!"
Son: "I don't have any clean socks! I TOLD you and Mom I had no clean socks! I've been wearing this pair since Sunday!"
Monkey: "Damn...what day is it now?"
Son: "Wednesday"
Monkey: "Okay okay - even though I'm extremely busy with blogs and email, I'll TRY and get some of your socks washed - in the meantime - GET OUT!"
(He's getting more lessons tomorrow about how to actually use the damned washing machine himself!)
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug " i have a girlfriend that wants to have sex so bad but she is waiting till she gets married. i get her oral and she gives me oral...."
(Dude you're a total MORON if you don't drag THAT shit out as long as possible without marrying her!!! - Monkey)
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Speaking of marquee messages - there's one up the street here that says "FREE DINNER AND DANCE AT THE METH CHURCH" Damn I knew there were some tweakers in this area but they now have their own church!?
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I saw a Pedometer in Wal*Mart the other day - is this a device that a Pedophile like Michael Jackson uses to count how many children he's molested!?
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Interesting how they cut off the Pope's funeral procession at 1 million. Can you imagine standing in a line that long and being unlucky enough to be the 1000001th person!? I'd be pissed and raise hell and cause a scene "God DAMMIT you gotta be freakin' KIDDING me holy fuck don't do this to me!!" I'd scream loudly, and they'd probably feel so sorry for me they'd let me go on through anyway.
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I tried to convince my wife that I'd heard on the news that Dr. Phil had been arrested for beating his wife because "the bitch wouldn't bring me a cold beer" (No she didn't buy it)
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My kids think I'm a bit of a freak anyway I think - but when I have fun quoting and singing old 70's TV commercials they REALLY think I've lost it!
I sing "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" for them, I sing "I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper...", and I do "Come to the Honeycomb hideout" - oh and they LOVE "Lite Brite making things out of lite..." And who can't love "It's Slinky, It's Slinky, it's fun for a girl and a boy"
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Monkey Idea of the Day (2): "You know the white crosses you see across our country along the side of the road marking where someone died? I want to sneak out and put up fake ones at night - with names on them - names like "Leadfoot" , "Blind Willy", "Chug-A-Lug", etc. Who wants to help?
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey DeskPad (MDP) - If you're like me and like using a mouse pad, but often sit differently and can't STAND for the mouse to roll off the edge of the mouse pad or even CLOSE to the edge of the pad - then the Monkey Deskpad is for you! Monkey Laboratories, Inc. has designed a special computer desk in which the entire top of the desk is a mousepad - no matter where you put your mouse - you're in the right spot! (Not sold in stores, This product may contain small amounts of vinyl acetate, vapors of which have been shown to cause
tumors in the thyroid gland, uterus and respiratory tract of laboratory animals. There is no evidence that it has caused cancer in humans)
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When I hear someone say "Ancient Chinese Secret" - I scoff - you heard me - I SCOFF - if it were ancient and Chinese it's obviously been told for a long time too - so it's no longer a secret. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm sick of hearing about the Ancient Chinese and also the Ancient Egyptians - didn't they have anything BETTER to do than to go around being wise back then - leaving behind nothing but a bunch of wise-ass quotes that idiots quote!?
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "It's a theory of mine that there were spammers around long before email, even back to the cavemen days - yep - cavemen who would scribble messages in charcoal on other cavemen's cave walls and run away "I am Dr. Hassan Baddar. I sincerely write to seek your co-operation and trust to enable my colleagues and I carry out an urgent business opportunity in my department. I work with the Union Bank of Nigeria PLC, currently I am the senior manager of bills and exchange at the foreign remittance department of my bank. I have an urgent and confidential business proposal for you...."

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Stanley Mordarsky, who was killed on May 1, 2004 when he was thrown from the Six Flags roller coaster "Superman: Man of Steel" in Darien Lake, New York.
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If you work for one of the major web porn companies, would you still get into trouble for surfing porn at work? And if your boss DID reprimand you - it'd be too easy to yell "Hypocrite!!"
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Is there a Spongebob Circlepants?
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Did you know at most gyms they frown on guys that get on the treadmill, put it on the slowest speed it goes, and spend the next hour watching the ladies doing aerobics and sporting a huge woody? (Especially if you're not even a member! Picky picky!)
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Monkey Plans: I want to create a web site - advertising it as "Filthy Teens!" - and charge money, guaranteeing nasty, filthy teens within - but inside will be a ton of photos of teens out camping, covered in dirt and mud, why they're FILTHY! Just look at those clothes!!!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug " I confess that I struggle with on-line pornography. I am a firm believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in his gift of salvation, but as a minister of the Gospel, I despise myself, because of my many weaknesses. Please if you are also a believer, pray for me,...God knows who I am. Thank you Lord for your Grace, Mercy and Peace,,,and above all,...your Love."
(I don't understand why you're struggling with online porn - are the pages not loading correctly? What browser are you using? Have you checked your connection settings? - Monkey)
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Stupid things teachers used to say: I had a teacher that used to tell me - "You just talk to hear your skulls rattle" This used to baffle me - I talked and talked and never ONCE heard my skull rattle! I THINK I may have MAYBE heard my skull rattling just a LITTLE once back in 1997 one night when I was extremely wasted - but I'm not 100% sure. (It may have been the washing machine off balance in the back room)
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I did some beautiful parallel parking job the other day. Don't let parallel parking scare you - it's only a matter of; back up, turn the wheel, pull forward, turn the wheel, back up again, turn the wheel a bit, pull forward some, turn wheel, backward, turn wheel, forward, wheel, backward, turn wheel, forward, wheel, watch the bumper, pull forward, turn it, backward, turn, forward, inch forward, turn the wheel, ease it back, EASY!, a little more, there, now crank the wheel, up a little bit, backward....
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Trailer Park Party" (PG-17 Documentary) documents a one hour annual trailer park party held by the residents of the Garden of Eden Trailer Park in Hickory, North Carolina last year. (2hrs 03 min Graphic nudity, Excessive graphic violence, Excessive drug use, Drug sales, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Adult situations, rape scenes, sodomy, incest, decapitation, trepanning scenes)
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I think if someone had tried to sell my grandfather a bottle of WATER in a store for almost TWO DOLLARS someone would've gotten a busted lip
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Monkey's Too Much Info Category: (MTMI) I'll swap spit with my wife, I'll tongue every orifice of her body, I'll even eat at the Y when she's raggin, but the Monkey WILL NOT share my toothbrush with her! I don't care if she gets mad, I don't care if we're camping and she forgot her toothbrush - I saw a 7-11 only 12 miles back - start walking - NOBODY uses my toothbrush!
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "When people say "Please be patient with me. God is not finished with me." I think they should be shot in the head on the spot and sent back to be finished."
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I'm going to see a plastic surgeon about having my face permanently blurred - and my voice box altered so I speak funny - this way I can become a professional witness for television news shows.

Today's blog is dedicated to the USS Intrepid and all who served upon her. She won fame in the Pacific in World War II as the "Fighting I.", surviving numerous kamikaze and bomb hits. The carrier fought in the Battle for Leyte Gulf in October 1944. Her combat record includes the sinking of two Japanese battleships and numerous other vessels, as well as the destruction of more than 600 enemy aircraft. Intrepid served three combat tours off Vietnam and twice as NASA Prime Recovery Ship for the manned space program. She was decommissioned in 1974.
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I want to build a home for the homeless. But then when they move in I'm going to have no choice but to kick them out for not qualifying.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "You can't truly call yourself an honest person until you've told the movie ticket guy that your son, taller and bigger than you are, is only 14 and not an adult ticket"
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There's a bird chirping outside my window - at first it was sweet, five minutes later it was kinda nice, five minutes more and it was annoying, five more minutes passed and it was unbearable, and in five more minutes the Monkey grabs the shotgun.
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Things the Monkey Loves: I love it when old men look at cars - they MUST kick the tires - they just can't resist - you can't tell much about the quality of a car UNLESS you kick those tires dad-gum it!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug " Yoda, if you find this you may hate me after the other day please don't kill yourself i love you still.. so much and i will never love anyone more than i have loved you -christine"
(Christine it's okay - Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Yoda will never hate you because it will lead to suffering. - Monkey)
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The monkey finds it funny the way people describe how rare they want their steaks:
"..so it's still mooing", or
"Knock it's horns off, wipe it's ass and run it through a warm kitchen."
"Let it look at the oven in terror and then bring it out to me"
"If it's still mooing or moving, wack it over the head. If it stops, it's just right."
"Just bring me the whole cow. I'll carve off what I want and RIDE the rest home!"
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I worked with a "gun nut" - he was a gun fanatic, read the magazines, built his own, loved them - he used to tell me about them every chance he got. I have nothing against guns but I so much wanted to stop him one day and say "Look - I HAVE a big dick - and I'm sorry you have a small one - get over it"
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I like so much butter on my movie popcorn that when I get to the bottom of that tub (and make no mistake I always do!) that I have about a half a cup or more of butter in the bottom and I DO turn it up and drink it. (My wife frowns on this for some reason - and she frowns even more if I spill some on my shirt)
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DVD's are great - but not so great for drunk/stoned monkeys. With VCR's you put the thing in and hit ONE button and you're off. With DVD's you have to navigate through friggn' MENUS with highly confusing remote-controls just to see a freakin' MOVIE!!! Too much work!!!!!
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Dear wife o' mine: MUST you leave the TV remote AND cordless phone in the bed and sometimes even under the covers!? MOST guys doesn't care for a cordless phone antenna trying to go up his ass during the night

Today's blog is dedicated to the singer Norah Jones - my wife first turned me onto Norah - damn - she really gets to the monkey when I hear her sing. Thank you Norah.
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I told a gal at work - "I'm ready for lunch - I'm starved". She says "I hungry too - I could eat myself" (She's no master of the English language and has no idea almost every guy at work wants to eat her too)
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There's an empty lot up the street - for sale - the hand-written, posted sign reads: "For sale. No Hunting or Fishing allowed" (There's not one lick of water on the property) - this makes the Monkey laugh.
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I think if you were a Nazi General and Hitler invited you to a dinner party at the Eagle's Nest - you might not want to bring Tamika Goldfarb, your half-black, half-jewish girlfriend - even if she DID make a mean potato salad to bring along.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug "my boss masturbates in his office all day. then he goes around to all the employees and tries to get them to high five him. i avoid it by pulling my sleeve over my hand..."
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: TREE HUGGERS (PG-17) - this is the amazing, true story of two Oregon Greenpeace volunteers who climb 70 feet into a tree and chain themselves to it. They throw away the key and wait for the loggers (and the press) to show up. The problem is - neither show up and the two men are trapped in the tree to die. (2 hrs, 14 min Nudity, drug use, adult situations, graphic violence, graphic artists, sodomy)
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I think if you worked for a major deodorant company in their R&D department and it was your job to come up with new manly scents - you'd be fired if you invented the "Body Odor Scented Deodorant"
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My wife buys shoes I think are ugly - clunky looking pilgrim shoes. I prefer very feminine shoes...whore-like shoes with high-heels, very small and sexy and hurt her feet - of course. So she's learned this - and when shoe shopping and I'm unfortunate enough to be WITH her - she'll ask for my opinion on a pair of shoes. If the monkey hates 'em - she likes 'em and will probably buy them to spite me. But I'm onto her tricks - so I now say I hate the shoes I like - so she'll buy them - and I love the shoes she hates - so she won't buy them - but she's discovered this game has reversed it again. Now this game is too confusing and I can't even keep up.
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I told my son that Terri Schiavo died because someone tried to feed her a cheeseburger through her feeding tube and she choked. I think he almost believes me.