The
Monkey CageShe says today is Monday, February 28th, 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to my childhood buddy, who happened to be a Black Lab dog: "Cher" - not all of my childhood was happy - and years later one of the few good childhood memories I do have is laying out in the hot summer back yard - next to my best buddy Cher - she and I would lay over in the cool sandbox sand and hug and she truly always loved me for what I was. I don't even know what happened to Cher, probably gave her away when we moved, but isn't it interesting how many of life's best memories or even life's best friends often involve dogs? There's a few repeats in today's blog - sorry!
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I used to stare at "Magic Markers" when I was a kid - waiting on them to do SOMETHING magical and they never did - it was all a big farce like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy - that marker never did a damned thing and to this day I'm disappointed in "magic" markers.
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Unwritten "guy rule" - EVERY guy knows when another guy asks him if he'd mind helping him move over the weekend that there WILL BE free beer - and there WILL BE a pizza order put in! My Aunt was moving and invited a bunch of guys from her work over to help move her. I asked "You DID get beer right!?" - and she said she "picked up a six pack or two" and the boys can have one "after they have finished the work". I didn't have time to explain how wrong that was on so many levels - and she's my aunt - so I let it slide.
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One of the many cool conversations/fights you get to overhear when you have kids that are boys - one a teenager - I hear a huge commotion - go to see what the deal is - youngest son is yelling at the oldest son:
"You just scratched your balls and then you touched my head!!! Cut it out!"
(I just chuckled and left the room quietly)
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One of the hardest things in the world to do I've always thought was to do the job of the pet store FISH DEPARTMENT attendant - there's always some snotty-nosed kid making you spend 20 minutes leaning over a tank trying to catch ONE fish out of 300 fish that ALL look alike - with a net the size of a pack of cigarettes - but Junior and his parents have all DAY to stand there until you catch THAT FISH - that one SPECIAL fish - I'd be jamming that net up someone's ass - or when I finally caught the fish I'd accidently step on it. (Do any of you believe I'd really do this?)
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I hear white people say about someone: "He can kiss my white ass!" - and I hear blacks saying: "Kiss my black ass" - and some REALLY white people say "He can kiss my lilly-white ass" I'm wondering - if you're white, chances are PRETTY good you're going to have a white ass - and if you're black, the odds of you having a black ass are also pretty good. Why must we clarify our ass color when we tell someone to kiss it? Is it in case they kiss the wrong ass?
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I walked by my teenaged son who was glued to his X-Box of course - and he says to me "You gotta grab live by the haunches - and hump it into submission" I told him to go empty the dishwasher and put the dishes up - that'd be a great start to grabbing life. (of course I know he was quoting a line from "Dodge Ball" - one of our favorite movies to watch together - but I didn't let on to that)
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Monkey BOOK idea of the day: (Yep I'm still in the movie business - but this one's a book!) "WHAT FOODS/SNACKS NOT TO EAT WHEN YOU MASTURBATE" - this book will feature lists of foods that are best left alone when masturbating - both male and female. Listed as an Oprah Book Club Selection for February. Free sneak excerpt from Chapter 18: "Sardines, Cheetohs, jalapenos" (407 pages, illustrations)
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The best part of getting one of those Bow-Flex machines that are advertised in 20 minute commercials on TV? When you quit using it after 2 weeks, (like you do all the exercise equipment you buy) just THINK of all the clothes and towels you could hang on all those bow things! It'd be like a whole 'nother closet! You could call it a "Bow-Flex Clothes Hanger Machine"
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Monkey Future Prediction of the day: (yes I said "future prediction - sue me) In the year 2012, scientists will be baffled when a "fish boy" is born in a small town in India - he is half-boy, half-fish, and is worshipped as a god in India, despite the fact that he always has a long string of poop hanging out of his backside * In the year 2049, gold will be discovered in Hopkinsville, Kentucky and hundreds of thousands of men & women will journey to this town to strike a claim. They'll call them the '49'ers. * In the year 2007, my son will learn to rinse food off of dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.
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Slack-Jawed readers: I love it when I hear someone call someone a "slack-jawed" something or another - like Ranch Dressing it goes well with anything - slack-jawed Yokel, slack-jawed bastard, etc. What the hell does this mean!? Does it mean their mouth is hanging open? Whatever it means - the slack-jawed Monkey likes it.
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I used to stare at "Magic Markers" when I was a kid - waiting on them to do SOMETHING magical and they never did - it was all a big farce like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy - that marker never did a damned thing and to this day I'm disappointed in "magic" markers.
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Unwritten "guy rule" - EVERY guy knows when another guy asks him if he'd mind helping him move over the weekend that there WILL BE free beer - and there WILL BE a pizza order put in! My Aunt was moving and invited a bunch of guys from her work over to help move her. I asked "You DID get beer right!?" - and she said she "picked up a six pack or two" and the boys can have one "after they have finished the work". I didn't have time to explain how wrong that was on so many levels - and she's my aunt - so I let it slide.
______________________________________
One of the many cool conversations/fights you get to overhear when you have kids that are boys - one a teenager - I hear a huge commotion - go to see what the deal is - youngest son is yelling at the oldest son:
"You just scratched your balls and then you touched my head!!! Cut it out!"
(I just chuckled and left the room quietly)
______________________________________
One of the hardest things in the world to do I've always thought was to do the job of the pet store FISH DEPARTMENT attendant - there's always some snotty-nosed kid making you spend 20 minutes leaning over a tank trying to catch ONE fish out of 300 fish that ALL look alike - with a net the size of a pack of cigarettes - but Junior and his parents have all DAY to stand there until you catch THAT FISH - that one SPECIAL fish - I'd be jamming that net up someone's ass - or when I finally caught the fish I'd accidently step on it. (Do any of you believe I'd really do this?)
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I hear white people say about someone: "He can kiss my white ass!" - and I hear blacks saying: "Kiss my black ass" - and some REALLY white people say "He can kiss my lilly-white ass" I'm wondering - if you're white, chances are PRETTY good you're going to have a white ass - and if you're black, the odds of you having a black ass are also pretty good. Why must we clarify our ass color when we tell someone to kiss it? Is it in case they kiss the wrong ass?
______________________________________
I walked by my teenaged son who was glued to his X-Box of course - and he says to me "You gotta grab live by the haunches - and hump it into submission" I told him to go empty the dishwasher and put the dishes up - that'd be a great start to grabbing life. (of course I know he was quoting a line from "Dodge Ball" - one of our favorite movies to watch together - but I didn't let on to that)
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Monkey BOOK idea of the day: (Yep I'm still in the movie business - but this one's a book!) "WHAT FOODS/SNACKS NOT TO EAT WHEN YOU MASTURBATE" - this book will feature lists of foods that are best left alone when masturbating - both male and female. Listed as an Oprah Book Club Selection for February. Free sneak excerpt from Chapter 18: "Sardines, Cheetohs, jalapenos" (407 pages, illustrations)
______________________________________
The best part of getting one of those Bow-Flex machines that are advertised in 20 minute commercials on TV? When you quit using it after 2 weeks, (like you do all the exercise equipment you buy) just THINK of all the clothes and towels you could hang on all those bow things! It'd be like a whole 'nother closet! You could call it a "Bow-Flex Clothes Hanger Machine"
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Monkey Future Prediction of the day: (yes I said "future prediction - sue me) In the year 2012, scientists will be baffled when a "fish boy" is born in a small town in India - he is half-boy, half-fish, and is worshipped as a god in India, despite the fact that he always has a long string of poop hanging out of his backside * In the year 2049, gold will be discovered in Hopkinsville, Kentucky and hundreds of thousands of men & women will journey to this town to strike a claim. They'll call them the '49'ers. * In the year 2007, my son will learn to rinse food off of dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.
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Slack-Jawed readers: I love it when I hear someone call someone a "slack-jawed" something or another - like Ranch Dressing it goes well with anything - slack-jawed Yokel, slack-jawed bastard, etc. What the hell does this mean!? Does it mean their mouth is hanging open? Whatever it means - the slack-jawed Monkey likes it.
"They" say it's Friday - Feb 25th, 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to those of you who are in customer service and actually know the meaning of the word and actually PROVIDE it. A smile, a nice attitude - thanks - you're a VERY rare breed.
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"Sugar Pops"' name got changed to "Corn Pops", "Sugar Smacks" became simply: "Smacks", and "Sugar Frosted Flakes" turned into "Frosted Flakes". Come on companies - don't be ashamed to call a spade a spade! I wish a kid's cereal company had the balls to call their stuff: "Sugar-Coated Sugary Yummy Sugary Cereal"! I'd buy it!
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Can you imagine if you went back in time to see your Grandmother when you were just a kid - but you used the same vocabulary we used today?:
"Nana this meal you've cooked looks like it's just FULL of carbs!"
My grandmother would've said: "I don't know what THAT means Mr. Smarty Pants - but you watch how you talk to your Nana!"
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Cooking Problems: It happens every time I go to cook Mac & Cheese or some other noodle type deal for the kids. I open the box just like the instructions say - when the water is boiling - and I pour the noodles in the boiling water - and every time they've stuck some PACKAGE of mix or flavoring or some magical bullshit in the box and it of course comes out with the macaroni/noodles and lands in the boiling water, splashes the monkey, and I have to fish it out with tongs. Why does cooking have to be so damned difficult!?
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Born On A Bayou" lyrics - Creedence Clearwater Revival: "And I can still hear my old hound dog barking,
Chasing down a hoodoo there, Chasing down a hoodoo there"
My own dog would be totally lost if she had to chase down a hoodoo. As a matter of fact I'd be lost too because I wouldn't even know what a hoodoo looks like - do you?
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I didn't know so many ranchers here in Montana are bloggers! I hear them in the store talking to each other - "Hey great post you put up the other day", and "I see you're out putting up posts again Fred" - so many ranchers, so many bloggers!
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One of my favorite things in life: To be in a drive-through car wash - you're shut off from the entire world in there with that machine going over your car. If you've got a spouse/gf/bf now would be a great time to go down on them and make it good. My favorite part of the car wash?: when the blue/pink/green foamy car wax is sprayed over your entire car - and you can even smell it - and for a minute before it's rinsed away - you get a cool psychedelic swirl of foamy colors on your windshield - are you experienced?
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I miss the days when we locked our own car doors - remember that? If you wanted your door locked while you drove you did it your damned self. I don't care for new cars deciding when I should be locked in my car - fuck off car. I despise jumping out of the car, going to be back to grab some groceries - and Mr. Car decided all doors must be locked - and I've got to go back around and hit the lock or my keychain locker. Fuck off car.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "Life is like the dryer at the end of the automatic car wash - if you take it too slowly the thing will shut off before you're completely dry, but if you take it too fast you leave a lot behind"
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Saw software online that tests your monitor's screen and shows you where dead pixels are. HELLO? Why would I want to KNOW - if I can't see a dead pixel on my screen NOW why would I wanted it pointed out to me? That'd be like seeing a beautiful lady and a friend says "Yeah she's nice - but dig the zit right there on her left eyebrow." - you'd then see it forever.
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It used to be that all middle-aged divorced women automatically got jobs as night waitresses at Denny's or IHOP - but I think that's changed - you're not required to do that anymore middle-aged divorced women - now you're to start a blog where you bitch about your ex each day. (At least you can stay home!)
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I have now taken to blowing my nose on any birds I can catch - hoping to give them a flu before they give me a flu.
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"Sugar Pops"' name got changed to "Corn Pops", "Sugar Smacks" became simply: "Smacks", and "Sugar Frosted Flakes" turned into "Frosted Flakes". Come on companies - don't be ashamed to call a spade a spade! I wish a kid's cereal company had the balls to call their stuff: "Sugar-Coated Sugary Yummy Sugary Cereal"! I'd buy it!
______________________________________
Can you imagine if you went back in time to see your Grandmother when you were just a kid - but you used the same vocabulary we used today?:
"Nana this meal you've cooked looks like it's just FULL of carbs!"
My grandmother would've said: "I don't know what THAT means Mr. Smarty Pants - but you watch how you talk to your Nana!"
______________________________________
Cooking Problems: It happens every time I go to cook Mac & Cheese or some other noodle type deal for the kids. I open the box just like the instructions say - when the water is boiling - and I pour the noodles in the boiling water - and every time they've stuck some PACKAGE of mix or flavoring or some magical bullshit in the box and it of course comes out with the macaroni/noodles and lands in the boiling water, splashes the monkey, and I have to fish it out with tongs. Why does cooking have to be so damned difficult!?
______________________________________
Born On A Bayou" lyrics - Creedence Clearwater Revival: "And I can still hear my old hound dog barking,
Chasing down a hoodoo there, Chasing down a hoodoo there"
My own dog would be totally lost if she had to chase down a hoodoo. As a matter of fact I'd be lost too because I wouldn't even know what a hoodoo looks like - do you?
______________________________________
I didn't know so many ranchers here in Montana are bloggers! I hear them in the store talking to each other - "Hey great post you put up the other day", and "I see you're out putting up posts again Fred" - so many ranchers, so many bloggers!
______________________________________
One of my favorite things in life: To be in a drive-through car wash - you're shut off from the entire world in there with that machine going over your car. If you've got a spouse/gf/bf now would be a great time to go down on them and make it good. My favorite part of the car wash?: when the blue/pink/green foamy car wax is sprayed over your entire car - and you can even smell it - and for a minute before it's rinsed away - you get a cool psychedelic swirl of foamy colors on your windshield - are you experienced?
______________________________________
I miss the days when we locked our own car doors - remember that? If you wanted your door locked while you drove you did it your damned self. I don't care for new cars deciding when I should be locked in my car - fuck off car. I despise jumping out of the car, going to be back to grab some groceries - and Mr. Car decided all doors must be locked - and I've got to go back around and hit the lock or my keychain locker. Fuck off car.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "Life is like the dryer at the end of the automatic car wash - if you take it too slowly the thing will shut off before you're completely dry, but if you take it too fast you leave a lot behind"
______________________________________
Saw software online that tests your monitor's screen and shows you where dead pixels are. HELLO? Why would I want to KNOW - if I can't see a dead pixel on my screen NOW why would I wanted it pointed out to me? That'd be like seeing a beautiful lady and a friend says "Yeah she's nice - but dig the zit right there on her left eyebrow." - you'd then see it forever.
______________________________________
It used to be that all middle-aged divorced women automatically got jobs as night waitresses at Denny's or IHOP - but I think that's changed - you're not required to do that anymore middle-aged divorced women - now you're to start a blog where you bitch about your ex each day. (At least you can stay home!)
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I have now taken to blowing my nose on any birds I can catch - hoping to give them a flu before they give me a flu.
They say today is Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of one of my heros - Nikola Tesla - (1856 - 1943) inventor, engineer, scientist. So much more to the man but so many only remember him for the Tesla Coil.
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You people who drive around with luggage and ski racks on top of your cars - you think you're funny coming up behind people looking like a cop and watching them hit their breaks? Cut it out!
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I liked the pre-answering machine days and may turn mine off. If I'm not home - TOO BAD - don't leave your message - you can try me again when I'm home you bastard.
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug "My name is Jenna, but actually on my birth certificate ...NO JOKE...it's Jennatailia. I also have three orifices." (Well "Jennatailia", I'm going to have to count my orifices now - Monkey)
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As you may know, I love feeding the birds. Just yesterday I filled their feeder and watched them enjoy it some before I went to work. This MORNING - all the food is gone - ALL OF IT - who the hell said they could eat it ALL? I'm pissed now - and want to tell these birds - "slow DOWN! Make it LAST and stop being little pigs!" The only thing is - when I go towards the feeder to talk to them about this they fly away! Somehow I think they know I'm mad? Did someone tell them?
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Will someone tell Larry King to shut the fuck up about his "Garlique" and "estra-c"!? I don't give a damn Larry what you do for your health.
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My teenaged son doesn't like or even WANT his precious Power Rangers sheets on his bed anymore! Can you imagine? I said "Son - you LOVVVE the Power Rangers!" He gets upset - "Um Dad - that was like YEARS ago - I can't really have Power Ranger sheets on my bed anymore" (of course I know this and understand but I have to play along like I just don't GET IT! - I may dig up his Ninja Turtles sheets today and make his bed with them.)
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Sure they TELL YOU that they like someone who "can think on their feet" at interviews - that's what they SAY - but later they'll fire you for never being at your desk or at work.
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My youngest son needs colored pencils for a school project - there's 12 of them in a pack - "Pre-Sharpened!" it says - and they ARE! I told my son - can you imagine the poor fool sitting in front of the pencil sharpener at that factory grinding away at thousands of colored pencils a day!? Stay in school fool!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "BED BOUND" (PG-17) - after a wild night of drinking and wild sex, a young woman named Jodi Yeknom awakes to find she is literally stuck to her bed with dried spooge, dried vomit and dried up spilled beer. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll never forget this movie, based on a true story that occurred in North Dakota in 1992. (2 hrs, 3 min Graphic sex scenes, nudity, sodomy, strong language)
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If this Avian Flu does get bad - I can assure you if I catch it I'm going to be blowing my nose on the first bird I can catch. Come on birds, we have our own problems to deal with - we don't need yours. You're already on my shit list for eating all your bird food in one day - don't push your luck.
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You people who drive around with luggage and ski racks on top of your cars - you think you're funny coming up behind people looking like a cop and watching them hit their breaks? Cut it out!
______________________________________
I liked the pre-answering machine days and may turn mine off. If I'm not home - TOO BAD - don't leave your message - you can try me again when I'm home you bastard.
______________________________________
Favorite confession from today's Grouphug "My name is Jenna, but actually on my birth certificate ...NO JOKE...it's Jennatailia. I also have three orifices." (Well "Jennatailia", I'm going to have to count my orifices now - Monkey)
______________________________________
As you may know, I love feeding the birds. Just yesterday I filled their feeder and watched them enjoy it some before I went to work. This MORNING - all the food is gone - ALL OF IT - who the hell said they could eat it ALL? I'm pissed now - and want to tell these birds - "slow DOWN! Make it LAST and stop being little pigs!" The only thing is - when I go towards the feeder to talk to them about this they fly away! Somehow I think they know I'm mad? Did someone tell them?
______________________________________
Will someone tell Larry King to shut the fuck up about his "Garlique" and "estra-c"!? I don't give a damn Larry what you do for your health.
______________________________________
My teenaged son doesn't like or even WANT his precious Power Rangers sheets on his bed anymore! Can you imagine? I said "Son - you LOVVVE the Power Rangers!" He gets upset - "Um Dad - that was like YEARS ago - I can't really have Power Ranger sheets on my bed anymore" (of course I know this and understand but I have to play along like I just don't GET IT! - I may dig up his Ninja Turtles sheets today and make his bed with them.)
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Sure they TELL YOU that they like someone who "can think on their feet" at interviews - that's what they SAY - but later they'll fire you for never being at your desk or at work.
______________________________________
My youngest son needs colored pencils for a school project - there's 12 of them in a pack - "Pre-Sharpened!" it says - and they ARE! I told my son - can you imagine the poor fool sitting in front of the pencil sharpener at that factory grinding away at thousands of colored pencils a day!? Stay in school fool!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "BED BOUND" (PG-17) - after a wild night of drinking and wild sex, a young woman named Jodi Yeknom awakes to find she is literally stuck to her bed with dried spooge, dried vomit and dried up spilled beer. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll never forget this movie, based on a true story that occurred in North Dakota in 1992. (2 hrs, 3 min Graphic sex scenes, nudity, sodomy, strong language)
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If this Avian Flu does get bad - I can assure you if I catch it I'm going to be blowing my nose on the first bird I can catch. Come on birds, we have our own problems to deal with - we don't need yours. You're already on my shit list for eating all your bird food in one day - don't push your luck.
They say it's Monday, February twenty-first, two-thousand and five.
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 37 people killed in Porter, Indiana on February 27th, 1921. Human error it was - signals got mixed up.
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How come when I run the clothes dryer it sounds like someone's thrown a handful of pennies in there? I open it and shuffle around the clothes - NOTHING - and I know it's not the buttons/zippers on the pants. I think my clothes dryer is haunted - I'll bet if I research the property we built on it used to be a ancient Indian penny burial ground.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " Everytime I give someone a lift somewhere, I put some obscure cd on just to test them."
( Test to see if they'll stab you in the neck with a ball-point pen!? - Monkey)
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I have a dental appointment in the morning - do you think the dentist would mind if I ate a package of Oreo Cookies in his waiting room before I see him?
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Stupid things to yell at your kids: I was doing a "surprise clean" on the house (that's where my wife is at work and I surprise her when she comes home by having the house totally cleaned up - sure a lot of work but the nookie's good)) So I have the kitchen spotless and I see the teenaged son going in there to get something to eat. He makes himself something and leaves. I yell out
"That kitchen BETTER be just like you left it!!!"
(of COURSE he caught this and laughs at the Monkey-Dad)
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Too Much Info on the Monkey! (TMIM): Monkey looovvves to "go down" - and has to be pulled up by my ears or I'll never stop - and afterwards - I always have gas! Why? I figured it out - because I forget to come up for air, and, I try to not pant - so I end up swallowing a lot of air I think. It's not a huge problem - anything over maybe a half an hour and this is a problem - should I mention it to my family doctor?
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I don't think my wife has EVER seen me with my shirt off and NOT have some lint in my bellybutton. That's just where I store my lint for a rainy day.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "SPAM SIGNALS" (PG-17) - ever wonder where spam advertising first originated? You'll be surprised it wasn't on the internet - it was in 1807 - an American Indian Warrior named "Afraid of Bear" started getting on other tribe's nerves by sending spam smoke signals high into the air - advertising his own tomahawks. Watch as the other indian tribes try and hunt down the world's first spammer and put out his fire - forever. (2hrs, 7 min. Graphic nudity, drug use, graphic sex scenes, graphic violence, graphic artists, sodomy)
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Not only do I have perpetual lint in my bellybutton to bother my wife - she's bothered by long eyebrow hairs and hair in my ears! What a monkey can't have hair in his ears!?
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I used to get a bit peeved when I was young and the older generation would say lines from television shows from many years before I was even born and expect me to laugh or even be interested. We were having hamburgers at work and I said to him: "If you give me a hamburger today, I will gladly repay you on Tuesday" - he looked at me like I was some sort of freak. Wimpy was lost on this younger fellow.
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How come when I run the clothes dryer it sounds like someone's thrown a handful of pennies in there? I open it and shuffle around the clothes - NOTHING - and I know it's not the buttons/zippers on the pants. I think my clothes dryer is haunted - I'll bet if I research the property we built on it used to be a ancient Indian penny burial ground.
______________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " Everytime I give someone a lift somewhere, I put some obscure cd on just to test them."
( Test to see if they'll stab you in the neck with a ball-point pen!? - Monkey)
______________________________________
I have a dental appointment in the morning - do you think the dentist would mind if I ate a package of Oreo Cookies in his waiting room before I see him?
______________________________________
Stupid things to yell at your kids: I was doing a "surprise clean" on the house (that's where my wife is at work and I surprise her when she comes home by having the house totally cleaned up - sure a lot of work but the nookie's good)) So I have the kitchen spotless and I see the teenaged son going in there to get something to eat. He makes himself something and leaves. I yell out
"That kitchen BETTER be just like you left it!!!"
(of COURSE he caught this and laughs at the Monkey-Dad)
______________________________________
Too Much Info on the Monkey! (TMIM): Monkey looovvves to "go down" - and has to be pulled up by my ears or I'll never stop - and afterwards - I always have gas! Why? I figured it out - because I forget to come up for air, and, I try to not pant - so I end up swallowing a lot of air I think. It's not a huge problem - anything over maybe a half an hour and this is a problem - should I mention it to my family doctor?
______________________________________
I don't think my wife has EVER seen me with my shirt off and NOT have some lint in my bellybutton. That's just where I store my lint for a rainy day.
______________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "SPAM SIGNALS" (PG-17) - ever wonder where spam advertising first originated? You'll be surprised it wasn't on the internet - it was in 1807 - an American Indian Warrior named "Afraid of Bear" started getting on other tribe's nerves by sending spam smoke signals high into the air - advertising his own tomahawks. Watch as the other indian tribes try and hunt down the world's first spammer and put out his fire - forever. (2hrs, 7 min. Graphic nudity, drug use, graphic sex scenes, graphic violence, graphic artists, sodomy)
_____________________________________
Not only do I have perpetual lint in my bellybutton to bother my wife - she's bothered by long eyebrow hairs and hair in my ears! What a monkey can't have hair in his ears!?
_____________________________________
I used to get a bit peeved when I was young and the older generation would say lines from television shows from many years before I was even born and expect me to laugh or even be interested. We were having hamburgers at work and I said to him: "If you give me a hamburger today, I will gladly repay you on Tuesday" - he looked at me like I was some sort of freak. Wimpy was lost on this younger fellow.
They call today Friday the 18th. (of February - 2005)
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Eric Deanda, a homeless man who was found stabbed in December of 2003 - he was 44 years old and found slain in the desert, under a bridge - another homeless man had found his body. Repeats? Sure - a sprinkling of them.
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Things I miss about being down south: When someone is insane, or wacky, in the South people say he or she is "NERVOUS". If you're REALLY crazy they'll even put you in a "Nervous Hospital"
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " I moved away to college...and now I have become the same loser here that I was at home... "
(Surprise surprise! You'll find when you go to work you'll be the same loser you were at college. - Monkey)
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I cook up a big juicy mouth-watering steak at the Mother-In-Laws (Big juicy steaks give the monkey a woody). Sit down to enjoy - put a dash of salt on it - drooling now - cut and take a bite - YUCK! Mother-In-Law comes in "Oh I hope you didn't put that on your steak - it's not salt - I put my Splenda sweetener in a salt shaker - easier to use that way"
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Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Traffic Jam" - a unique movie filmed about a couple stuck inside an elevator - the entire movie takes place on this elevator. "This movie has it's ups and downs, but its a must-see" - The Washington Post. (1 hr, 38 min. graphic nudity, sodomy, graphic sex scenes, strong language, graphic violence, drug use)
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What's great about listening to foreign radio stations when you don't know the language is you get to pick out words you DO know - you end up hearing things like: "Mamba-mo boo hay knee cow shin looka booka LED ZEPPELIN sheemabumba ROBERT PLANT kowa kugaloo caro-jan-ran dooba OZZY OSBOURNE. Peepa-mocha katcha-pooka hooka dem lapper limama COCA-COLA seemi tagi porellallanip" (I can't stop reading this one outloud!)
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Wouldn't it be great if we knew how bright someone was before we spoke to them? If people had actual markings on their heads - 40 watts, 60 watts, 100 watts, etc?
_____________________________________
I saw a magazine cover that said something about "Julia Robert's Twins!" - holy cow I thought I was going to see some serious Julia Robert tits - flipped through the magazine and found a story about Julia Robert's twins alright - as in BABIES! What the...!? As we said when we were kids - "What a Jip!"
______________________________________
If you were on a hot Mississippi prison chain gang, I don't think the "road boss" would like it too much if you went up and told him your hands were getting dry and chapped and does he have any Avon Soft & Sensual Replenishing non-greasy hand cream in his truck?
______________________________________
What if we invented a time machine, and went back to the 1800's and we discovered everything really WAS black and white and sepia-tinted; that there really WAS no color back then - we just assumed they had no color film - that wasn't it at all - THERE WAS NO COLOR back then!
______________________________________
If I were 18 years old - when people asked me how old I was I'd say "Barely legal".
______________________________________
In movie theaters and airplanes, my wife and I do a count of every seat between us and the nearest exit on - so when the plane or theater fills up with smoke so thick you could cut it, and nobody can see the "floor lighting" - we can at least feel and count our way to an exit. (And if I step on your head on the way there - I'm sorry - no offense)
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Things I miss about being down south: When someone is insane, or wacky, in the South people say he or she is "NERVOUS". If you're REALLY crazy they'll even put you in a "Nervous Hospital"
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " I moved away to college...and now I have become the same loser here that I was at home... "
(Surprise surprise! You'll find when you go to work you'll be the same loser you were at college. - Monkey)
______________________________________
I cook up a big juicy mouth-watering steak at the Mother-In-Laws (Big juicy steaks give the monkey a woody). Sit down to enjoy - put a dash of salt on it - drooling now - cut and take a bite - YUCK! Mother-In-Law comes in "Oh I hope you didn't put that on your steak - it's not salt - I put my Splenda sweetener in a salt shaker - easier to use that way"
______________________________________
Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Traffic Jam" - a unique movie filmed about a couple stuck inside an elevator - the entire movie takes place on this elevator. "This movie has it's ups and downs, but its a must-see" - The Washington Post. (1 hr, 38 min. graphic nudity, sodomy, graphic sex scenes, strong language, graphic violence, drug use)
______________________________________
What's great about listening to foreign radio stations when you don't know the language is you get to pick out words you DO know - you end up hearing things like: "Mamba-mo boo hay knee cow shin looka booka LED ZEPPELIN sheemabumba ROBERT PLANT kowa kugaloo caro-jan-ran dooba OZZY OSBOURNE. Peepa-mocha katcha-pooka hooka dem lapper limama COCA-COLA seemi tagi porellallanip" (I can't stop reading this one outloud!)
_____________________________________
Wouldn't it be great if we knew how bright someone was before we spoke to them? If people had actual markings on their heads - 40 watts, 60 watts, 100 watts, etc?
_____________________________________
I saw a magazine cover that said something about "Julia Robert's Twins!" - holy cow I thought I was going to see some serious Julia Robert tits - flipped through the magazine and found a story about Julia Robert's twins alright - as in BABIES! What the...!? As we said when we were kids - "What a Jip!"
______________________________________
If you were on a hot Mississippi prison chain gang, I don't think the "road boss" would like it too much if you went up and told him your hands were getting dry and chapped and does he have any Avon Soft & Sensual Replenishing non-greasy hand cream in his truck?
______________________________________
What if we invented a time machine, and went back to the 1800's and we discovered everything really WAS black and white and sepia-tinted; that there really WAS no color back then - we just assumed they had no color film - that wasn't it at all - THERE WAS NO COLOR back then!
______________________________________
If I were 18 years old - when people asked me how old I was I'd say "Barely legal".
______________________________________
In movie theaters and airplanes, my wife and I do a count of every seat between us and the nearest exit on - so when the plane or theater fills up with smoke so thick you could cut it, and nobody can see the "floor lighting" - we can at least feel and count our way to an exit. (And if I step on your head on the way there - I'm sorry - no offense)
They call today Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to long-time reader and friend Collin ! Happy birthday Collin!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " I once rode the short bus but thats only b/c i got on the wrong bus. Whoops. "
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It's pretty sad when you use filthy language so much that you end up telling your computer's spell checker "Learn this word..." - or - "add to dictionary..." I'd love to find my computer's "custom dictionary" of learned words and print it out - it'd make a good read.
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Dolphins - if they're SO smart why do they still get caught and killed in Tuna nets? If I were a dolphin (or ANY fish for that matter) the last fish I'd hang around with are TUNA - sure they're nice guys and all, but you don't hang out with them unless you have a death wish! If I were a mother dolphin I'd teach my children a rhyme to help them remember to stay away from the Tuna. "If you swim with the Tuna, you may be dead soona" (or something like that)
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Sigh. My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" yesterday. You know the talk - the "birds and the bees" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc.
(He was able to help me understand a lot and I didn't take up too much of his time.)
______________________________________
Amazing how porn seems to come up in every search I do for music mp3's! I was looking for the song: "Blue On Black" by Kenny Wayne Shephard and I get as a listing a .wmv movie called "Interracial Threesome" - what the hell? I could see maybe "blond on Black interracial Threesome" - or more likely "Black on Blond interracial Threesome" - but BLUE on Black!? Is this some kind of crazy underground Blue Man Group orgy video? I'm tempted to download it just to see!
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This kind of thing can start the Monkey's day off on the wrong foot and cause the other foot to go up someone's ass: I am starving for something to eat for breakfast (which is rare) - so I think - "mmm cereal.." (Yep just like Homer!) - I spot a box of one of my favorites in the cupboard - "Waffle Crisp" - I get excited and go grab my (huge) cereal bowl, the milk, and a spoon - go grab the box and it's WAY too light to have anything in it. "Hmm - must be very light cereal - there's no way it's empty" I think (probably out loud) I open it - it was empty. I pray to you oh great Odin, Viking God of War, to please let me catch one of the little offspring of mine in this house in the act of doing this. I will give you my soul for all of eternity to serve your name oh mighty Odin if you grant me this. Thank you Odin.
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Monkey quote of the day: "Whoever started the phrase "quiet as a mouse" never had the little fuckers running around in his attic!"
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I'm now almost officially a Montanan - because I've grown to love the local commercials on the radio - I can tell you all about cattle feed - which supplements YOUR cattle need, be they growing, breeding, or mature cattle - and I can tell you about Ranch irrigation companies and irrigation systems - and all about micro pivot irrigation systems. I'm a Montanan!
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When I grow up I wanna work for Haloscan!!! Those crazy guys! All they do is sit around getting high, playing with code and taking down commenting every 3 minutes! What a life!
______________________________________
Heard a loud-mouthed drunk girl in a bar the other night bragging to her drunken friends: "Listen honey - I told him - *I* don't do anal - no way - there's a sign back there that says "exit only" baby!" - and all her friends laughed until they stopped. I wanted so badly to go up to her and say - "You actually have a SIGN there? That's sick you nasty skank!" (but I didn't)
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My theory on why it's law that corpses must be buried 6 feet under: I think back in the olden days they were just lazy and didn't have back hoes, so they'd just dig a hole deep enough for the body and just cover it. because of this laziness, guys' penises would sometimes accidently protrude out of the ground, little girls walking to church with their mothers would then spot a "pretty mushroom" growing from the ground and go over and try and pull it up to bring to church, they'd pull and pull but the mushroom wouldn't come up! When it was discovered what the mushroom really was the townsfolk would get upset. At the big town meetings someone would tell the mayor - "We're sick of our little girls giving hand jobs to our dead grandfathers on the way to church - can't we bury people deeper!?" - and THAT is why we bury bodies six feet under. (This MAY be the sickest Monkey Cage blog entry I've ever written?)
______________________________________
Here's how it works in my house - if the dishwasher is empty - people in this house stick dirty dishes in the sink - if the dishwasher has been ran but the dishes need to be put away - they'll put their dirty dishes in there on top of it all.
|
______________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " I once rode the short bus but thats only b/c i got on the wrong bus. Whoops. "
______________________________________
It's pretty sad when you use filthy language so much that you end up telling your computer's spell checker "Learn this word..." - or - "add to dictionary..." I'd love to find my computer's "custom dictionary" of learned words and print it out - it'd make a good read.
______________________________________
Dolphins - if they're SO smart why do they still get caught and killed in Tuna nets? If I were a dolphin (or ANY fish for that matter) the last fish I'd hang around with are TUNA - sure they're nice guys and all, but you don't hang out with them unless you have a death wish! If I were a mother dolphin I'd teach my children a rhyme to help them remember to stay away from the Tuna. "If you swim with the Tuna, you may be dead soona" (or something like that)
______________________________________
Sigh. My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" yesterday. You know the talk - the "birds and the bees" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc.
(He was able to help me understand a lot and I didn't take up too much of his time.)
______________________________________
Amazing how porn seems to come up in every search I do for music mp3's! I was looking for the song: "Blue On Black" by Kenny Wayne Shephard and I get as a listing a .wmv movie called "Interracial Threesome" - what the hell? I could see maybe "blond on Black interracial Threesome" - or more likely "Black on Blond interracial Threesome" - but BLUE on Black!? Is this some kind of crazy underground Blue Man Group orgy video? I'm tempted to download it just to see!
______________________________________
This kind of thing can start the Monkey's day off on the wrong foot and cause the other foot to go up someone's ass: I am starving for something to eat for breakfast (which is rare) - so I think - "mmm cereal.." (Yep just like Homer!) - I spot a box of one of my favorites in the cupboard - "Waffle Crisp" - I get excited and go grab my (huge) cereal bowl, the milk, and a spoon - go grab the box and it's WAY too light to have anything in it. "Hmm - must be very light cereal - there's no way it's empty" I think (probably out loud) I open it - it was empty. I pray to you oh great Odin, Viking God of War, to please let me catch one of the little offspring of mine in this house in the act of doing this. I will give you my soul for all of eternity to serve your name oh mighty Odin if you grant me this. Thank you Odin.
______________________________________
Monkey quote of the day: "Whoever started the phrase "quiet as a mouse" never had the little fuckers running around in his attic!"
______________________________________
I'm now almost officially a Montanan - because I've grown to love the local commercials on the radio - I can tell you all about cattle feed - which supplements YOUR cattle need, be they growing, breeding, or mature cattle - and I can tell you about Ranch irrigation companies and irrigation systems - and all about micro pivot irrigation systems. I'm a Montanan!
______________________________________
When I grow up I wanna work for Haloscan!!! Those crazy guys! All they do is sit around getting high, playing with code and taking down commenting every 3 minutes! What a life!
______________________________________
Heard a loud-mouthed drunk girl in a bar the other night bragging to her drunken friends: "Listen honey - I told him - *I* don't do anal - no way - there's a sign back there that says "exit only" baby!" - and all her friends laughed until they stopped. I wanted so badly to go up to her and say - "You actually have a SIGN there? That's sick you nasty skank!" (but I didn't)
______________________________________
My theory on why it's law that corpses must be buried 6 feet under: I think back in the olden days they were just lazy and didn't have back hoes, so they'd just dig a hole deep enough for the body and just cover it. because of this laziness, guys' penises would sometimes accidently protrude out of the ground, little girls walking to church with their mothers would then spot a "pretty mushroom" growing from the ground and go over and try and pull it up to bring to church, they'd pull and pull but the mushroom wouldn't come up! When it was discovered what the mushroom really was the townsfolk would get upset. At the big town meetings someone would tell the mayor - "We're sick of our little girls giving hand jobs to our dead grandfathers on the way to church - can't we bury people deeper!?" - and THAT is why we bury bodies six feet under. (This MAY be the sickest Monkey Cage blog entry I've ever written?)
______________________________________
Here's how it works in my house - if the dishwasher is empty - people in this house stick dirty dishes in the sink - if the dishwasher has been ran but the dishes need to be put away - they'll put their dirty dishes in there on top of it all.
They're calling today February 14th, 2005 - Valentine's Day
Today's blog is dedicated to all the people out there today who have no one to give them a Valentine's Day card - to those who are lonely with no sweetheart to speak of.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I like my women like i like my scotch- 12 years old and mixed up with coke"
(Don't shoot the messenger - I just thought it a very unique confession - Monkey)
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Brain Cell Counter" (MBCC) - so you're going out drinking tonight, or maybe burn up some all natural herbs tonight - SHOULD YOU? You KNOW you're killing a lot of brain cells don't you!? With this invention, you simply attach a small relatively painless electrode to your head and you're provided with a patented hand-held digital LED readout of your current brain cell count! This way when you go out killing brain cells, you'll know at what point you need to stop to remain somewhat human! (Batteries sold separately. Disclaimer: If you kill too many cells, and let the count get too low you may have difficulty reading the patented hand-held digital LED readout )
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If I worked for Google and gmail I'd change the way they do their gmail - when you first log into gmail your gmail homepage will be called "My G-Spot". A thread of emails instead of being called a "conversation" should be called a "G String"
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Monkey future predictions: In the year 2018 - the entire world will be plagued with "Tasaramas" - a Japanese word meaning "Head Burrower" - these are tiny parasites the size of a grain of rice. Tasaramas enter into human heads through the ears and once inside, begin digging tunnels in our brains - excruciating pain follows and the Tasaramas begin to breed and lay more eggs in the brain. Millions will die and a cure won't be discovered until the Spring of 2022. The cure will involve water, eggs and jellyfish testicles.
______________________________________
I found my dog's hidden notes - she had them under her dog bed - dealing with the vacuum cleaner:
1) When Dad or Mom is using the vacuum cleaner - I must not make eye contact with it
2) When Dad or Mom is using the vacuum cleaner - I will go to another room but I will sit where I can keep an eye on it.
3) If I have get closer to the vacuum cleaner to leave a room - I will not only not look at it but I will keep my head bowed.
4) I will look extremely worried when the vacuum cleaner is in use - as if I'm about to be stabbed through the stomach with an ice pick.
______________________________________
I have invented a new word - not sure if it's been done before - I'll write to Webster and see if he'll put it in his dictionary - it means "super yummy and sexy" - it's: "Vulvalicious" Please everyone start using this word so I can make a fortune? (The only problem is that it sounds a lot like a bubble gum - do you think there's already a "Vuvlalicious" out there?)
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Never mind MTV's "Pimp My Ride" show - I'm starting "Trash My Ride" - you apply and if selected, I will put my 2 kids in your car for about a week - when you get the car back - it'll be TRASHED! We're talking spilled drinks, food, hand prints on the windows, video cartridges under the seats, empty plastic bags - I mean TRASHED! Sign up now!
______________________________________
Went to the dentist this morning and had my teeth cleaned. Hell Miss Dental hygienist I could do THAT in my own garage! With a nail I could scrape away monkey-tartar from between my teeth, with my new Craftsman drill I could sand away at my teeth - top it off with some WD-40 for cleaner - and I wouldn't take so damned long to do it and I'd not talk as much!
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______________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I like my women like i like my scotch- 12 years old and mixed up with coke"
(Don't shoot the messenger - I just thought it a very unique confession - Monkey)
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Brain Cell Counter" (MBCC) - so you're going out drinking tonight, or maybe burn up some all natural herbs tonight - SHOULD YOU? You KNOW you're killing a lot of brain cells don't you!? With this invention, you simply attach a small relatively painless electrode to your head and you're provided with a patented hand-held digital LED readout of your current brain cell count! This way when you go out killing brain cells, you'll know at what point you need to stop to remain somewhat human! (Batteries sold separately. Disclaimer: If you kill too many cells, and let the count get too low you may have difficulty reading the patented hand-held digital LED readout )
______________________________________
If I worked for Google and gmail I'd change the way they do their gmail - when you first log into gmail your gmail homepage will be called "My G-Spot". A thread of emails instead of being called a "conversation" should be called a "G String"
______________________________________
Monkey future predictions: In the year 2018 - the entire world will be plagued with "Tasaramas" - a Japanese word meaning "Head Burrower" - these are tiny parasites the size of a grain of rice. Tasaramas enter into human heads through the ears and once inside, begin digging tunnels in our brains - excruciating pain follows and the Tasaramas begin to breed and lay more eggs in the brain. Millions will die and a cure won't be discovered until the Spring of 2022. The cure will involve water, eggs and jellyfish testicles.
______________________________________
I found my dog's hidden notes - she had them under her dog bed - dealing with the vacuum cleaner:
1) When Dad or Mom is using the vacuum cleaner - I must not make eye contact with it
2) When Dad or Mom is using the vacuum cleaner - I will go to another room but I will sit where I can keep an eye on it.
3) If I have get closer to the vacuum cleaner to leave a room - I will not only not look at it but I will keep my head bowed.
4) I will look extremely worried when the vacuum cleaner is in use - as if I'm about to be stabbed through the stomach with an ice pick.
______________________________________
I have invented a new word - not sure if it's been done before - I'll write to Webster and see if he'll put it in his dictionary - it means "super yummy and sexy" - it's: "Vulvalicious" Please everyone start using this word so I can make a fortune? (The only problem is that it sounds a lot like a bubble gum - do you think there's already a "Vuvlalicious" out there?)
______________________________________
Never mind MTV's "Pimp My Ride" show - I'm starting "Trash My Ride" - you apply and if selected, I will put my 2 kids in your car for about a week - when you get the car back - it'll be TRASHED! We're talking spilled drinks, food, hand prints on the windows, video cartridges under the seats, empty plastic bags - I mean TRASHED! Sign up now!
______________________________________
Went to the dentist this morning and had my teeth cleaned. Hell Miss Dental hygienist I could do THAT in my own garage! With a nail I could scrape away monkey-tartar from between my teeth, with my new Craftsman drill I could sand away at my teeth - top it off with some WD-40 for cleaner - and I wouldn't take so damned long to do it and I'd not talk as much!
They say it's Friday, the 11th of February, the year: 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to mothers who work their asses off at a job all day, come home and work their asses off AGAIN taking care of the kids and taking care of a husband who also acts like a friggin' child half the time - does laundry and a million other chores, gets ready to start again the next day, gets hardly NO time to herself, and then her selfish perpetually-horny husband wants her to be a sex-starved slut when she finally DOES get to relax in bed. (in other words this blog is dedicated to my wonderful, beautiful wife). This one's ALL repeats - I apologize - super busy around the house.
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Women - who can understand them - my wife doesn't like it when I call her "my crack ho" - go figure - I'm only trying to be romantic.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention idea of the day - bottles that dissolve, into thin-air, but ONLY after they're empty. That way you can have a beer, and leave the bottle anywhere you want around your hose - by morning it's vanished.
______________________________________
Have you seen the new toilet cleaner brushes that come on a stick, and when you're finished cleaning the toilet you eject the brush off of it, and flush the used brush down the toilet? I'm thinking - why not just hire someone to come clean our ENTIRE house and then when they're done eject him or her off the side of a cliff!?
______________________________________
I've somehow acquired an annoying habit (says my wife) - when I'm watching TV and I see a lady with nice boobs I say "Boobs!" - and this annoys my wife - who tells me - "I'm NOT a guy okay!? I don't CARE!" Now somehow my teenaged son has also picked up this habit - and so when we watch TV with my wife and we see a nice set we BOTH yell "Boobs!" It's become quite fun (for two of us at least)
______________________________________
There's something that turns me on hearing a woman say the word "panties" - what is THAT about?! If I hear the word it can send me right over the edge - the more the merrier; "Wait let me just pull my panties aside so you can get to that better Monkey - gosh I'm sorry these panties are in your way - gosh look at that let me pull these panties aside for you Monkey-Man"
______________________________________
One of my favorite superheros is "The Thing" - you know him, he's orange colored and made of rock - and, like all good superheros, he wears pants - blue pants. I can't help but wonder - is the Thing's "thing" usually hard as a rock? Does he get a "woody"?
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What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs" he says - "Human legs" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill - toes and all.
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I have learned from video games that if you're ever taken hostage, it's going to be in a warehouse, and there's gonna be about 40 hostage-takers and only one of you. When the police show up - and there'll only be ONE of them - you're to break free and run around like a chicken. But make sure to run around like a chicken in between the hostage takers and the cop. And don't worry - if you DO get shot a big skull will appear above your head to let the cop know he shot a good guy.
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My wife started wearing an apron when she cooks. Holy cow ya gotta love aprons - I think a lady in the kitchen with an apron is just amazingly beautiful. But then for that matter a woman wearing nothing BUT an apron in the kitchen would be cool too - but not much cooking would get done - so maybe that's not such a good idea either. And that bacon grease splattering...ouch.
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I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
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It is tradition and lawful to bury a person six feet under - but when I die I'm going to have a special request - just to be different and to be a pain in the butt to the very end - I'm going to ask to be buried 96 feet, 9 and 1/2 inches under the ground.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: DOWN SLIDE (PG-17) - A penguin named "Crystal" in Antarctica looses her balance and slips down a rather steep and slippery embankment. Watch as she slides to the icy bottom, dodging seals, rocks, other penguins. "A moving story" says Siskel & Ebert. "Chilling" says the Washington Post. (2 hrs, 24 min Adult situations, violence, nudity, sodomy)
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As a horny child I was a huge fan of a kids' show called "The New Zoo Revue" - why? Because of "Emmy Jo" - she wore "go-go boots" and mini-skirts - GO GO BOOTS - yeahhhhhhhh! Do you know what that lady did to the Monkey as a child with her boots!? She walked all over my heart she did!
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My wife bought the monkey a huge bag of bird feed (because I love feeding the birds) but she accidently bought me a huge bag of SUNFLOWER SEEDS - which is fine for some birds - but not all birds - I put some out in the feeder and I peek out at the birds - I swear a minute ago I saw a little sparrow looking at the sunflower seeds - then he looked up at the window where I was and I could've sworn I saw his beak move and saw him say "What the fuck is this shit man!?" (I can't read lips that well - but I can read beaks pretty good)
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"I blew out my flip flop, Stepped on a pop top; Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home." - Jimmy Buffet - Margaritaville. I always thought Jimmy was singing "..stepped on a pop-tart" - that'd be pretty icky wouldn't it? One of those strawberry pop-tarts? It COULD happen, but I don't think a pop-tart would really cut your heel and make you cruise on back home, or could it?
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Big jim’s been drinkin’ whiskey
And playing poker on a losin’ night
Pretty soon, big jim starts a thinkin’
Somebody been cheatin’ and lyin’
So big jim commences to fightin’
I wouldn’t tell you no lie
And big jim done grab his pistol
Shot his friend right between the eyes
- Lynyrd Skynyrd "Saturday Night Special"
I'm thinking that this was 1975 when Lynyrd Skynyrd sang about this - and I'm thinking "Big Jim" is already LONG out of prison for shooting his friend right between the eyes, perhaps he served 10-12 years with parole - he probably has new friends by now to play poker with, and hopefully they don't cheat and lie.
|
______________________________________
Women - who can understand them - my wife doesn't like it when I call her "my crack ho" - go figure - I'm only trying to be romantic.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention idea of the day - bottles that dissolve, into thin-air, but ONLY after they're empty. That way you can have a beer, and leave the bottle anywhere you want around your hose - by morning it's vanished.
______________________________________
Have you seen the new toilet cleaner brushes that come on a stick, and when you're finished cleaning the toilet you eject the brush off of it, and flush the used brush down the toilet? I'm thinking - why not just hire someone to come clean our ENTIRE house and then when they're done eject him or her off the side of a cliff!?
______________________________________
I've somehow acquired an annoying habit (says my wife) - when I'm watching TV and I see a lady with nice boobs I say "Boobs!" - and this annoys my wife - who tells me - "I'm NOT a guy okay!? I don't CARE!" Now somehow my teenaged son has also picked up this habit - and so when we watch TV with my wife and we see a nice set we BOTH yell "Boobs!" It's become quite fun (for two of us at least)
______________________________________
There's something that turns me on hearing a woman say the word "panties" - what is THAT about?! If I hear the word it can send me right over the edge - the more the merrier; "Wait let me just pull my panties aside so you can get to that better Monkey - gosh I'm sorry these panties are in your way - gosh look at that let me pull these panties aside for you Monkey-Man"
______________________________________
One of my favorite superheros is "The Thing" - you know him, he's orange colored and made of rock - and, like all good superheros, he wears pants - blue pants. I can't help but wonder - is the Thing's "thing" usually hard as a rock? Does he get a "woody"?
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What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs" he says - "Human legs" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill - toes and all.
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I have learned from video games that if you're ever taken hostage, it's going to be in a warehouse, and there's gonna be about 40 hostage-takers and only one of you. When the police show up - and there'll only be ONE of them - you're to break free and run around like a chicken. But make sure to run around like a chicken in between the hostage takers and the cop. And don't worry - if you DO get shot a big skull will appear above your head to let the cop know he shot a good guy.
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My wife started wearing an apron when she cooks. Holy cow ya gotta love aprons - I think a lady in the kitchen with an apron is just amazingly beautiful. But then for that matter a woman wearing nothing BUT an apron in the kitchen would be cool too - but not much cooking would get done - so maybe that's not such a good idea either. And that bacon grease splattering...ouch.
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I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
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It is tradition and lawful to bury a person six feet under - but when I die I'm going to have a special request - just to be different and to be a pain in the butt to the very end - I'm going to ask to be buried 96 feet, 9 and 1/2 inches under the ground.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: DOWN SLIDE (PG-17) - A penguin named "Crystal" in Antarctica looses her balance and slips down a rather steep and slippery embankment. Watch as she slides to the icy bottom, dodging seals, rocks, other penguins. "A moving story" says Siskel & Ebert. "Chilling" says the Washington Post. (2 hrs, 24 min Adult situations, violence, nudity, sodomy)
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As a horny child I was a huge fan of a kids' show called "The New Zoo Revue" - why? Because of "Emmy Jo" - she wore "go-go boots" and mini-skirts - GO GO BOOTS - yeahhhhhhhh! Do you know what that lady did to the Monkey as a child with her boots!? She walked all over my heart she did!
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My wife bought the monkey a huge bag of bird feed (because I love feeding the birds) but she accidently bought me a huge bag of SUNFLOWER SEEDS - which is fine for some birds - but not all birds - I put some out in the feeder and I peek out at the birds - I swear a minute ago I saw a little sparrow looking at the sunflower seeds - then he looked up at the window where I was and I could've sworn I saw his beak move and saw him say "What the fuck is this shit man!?" (I can't read lips that well - but I can read beaks pretty good)
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"I blew out my flip flop, Stepped on a pop top; Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home." - Jimmy Buffet - Margaritaville. I always thought Jimmy was singing "..stepped on a pop-tart" - that'd be pretty icky wouldn't it? One of those strawberry pop-tarts? It COULD happen, but I don't think a pop-tart would really cut your heel and make you cruise on back home, or could it?
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Big jim’s been drinkin’ whiskey
And playing poker on a losin’ night
Pretty soon, big jim starts a thinkin’
Somebody been cheatin’ and lyin’
So big jim commences to fightin’
I wouldn’t tell you no lie
And big jim done grab his pistol
Shot his friend right between the eyes
- Lynyrd Skynyrd "Saturday Night Special"
I'm thinking that this was 1975 when Lynyrd Skynyrd sang about this - and I'm thinking "Big Jim" is already LONG out of prison for shooting his friend right between the eyes, perhaps he served 10-12 years with parole - he probably has new friends by now to play poker with, and hopefully they don't cheat and lie.
They're calling today February the eighth, 2 thousand five
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Stevie Ray Vaughan. Stevie died in a helicopter crash on August 26th, 1990. Stevie's music never fails to rock the Monkey! Have you blogspot users noticed more and more spammers are creating fake search-engine-grabbing "blogs"? Sad.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : i'm a little worried my penis is too big. It's like the length of a really long pencil. "
(A really long 6 inch number 2 pencil? Does it have a handy lead tip? - Monkey )
______________________________________
Someone watching the Monkey eat the other days said - "Damn dude - you'd put Ranch dressing on about anything and it eat it wouldn't you!?" They're right. I answered - "I'd go to the backyard right now, grab up a big frozen dog turd, and gimme some ranch dressing and I'd eat it" (This didn't go over really well at the dinner table - but they DID ask)
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I would never want to live in a third-world nation. A second-world nation wouldn't be that bad though - we never hear anything negative about second-world countries - only those pathetic third-world countries.
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Differences in Mom vs. Dad parenting? My wife wasn't around and I was with the two boys - I heard them fighting and I let it go - and then I heard crying. One of them had nailed the other in the face with an apple. (He wasn't hurt badly don't worry) - I thought this was sort of FUNNY actually - boys will be boys and all - and the fact that the one son thought to grab an APPLE of all things and use it as a WEAPON had me chuckling. But my wife was NOT amused when she heard of the apple incident - her points; 1) They shouldn't have been fighting like that for so long, B) No apples should have nailed EITHER of her son's heads, and 3) it's NOT funny. Can I get some support or was the monkey wrong?
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If there were a yellow magnetic car ribbon that said "Don't support the troops" - would anyone even notice?
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I like to think that somewhere out there is a mannequin factory - and of course different parts of the factory make different parts for the mannequins - and down in the shop where they mass-produce the hands - I'd like to think every now and again just for fun a worker screams out "Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care!" - and all the workers start throwing hands in the air and the mannequin-hand-department supervisor gets really angry.
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If I were a pizza delivery man, I'd EXPECT to get shows from horny housewives and be disappointed if I didn't! If a woman came to the door fully dressed to get her pizza I'd politely "suggest" to her that maybe she should go change and I'll come back in a few more minutes when's she not quite so "decent".
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If I ever commit suicide I'm going to blame strange people - just for kicks. My suicide note will say something like "Was driven to this by Zamfir - master of the pan flute. Tell my wife Alice I love her"
(My wife is not Alice - but I want people to say "Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?")
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The thing that pisses me off about the Pilgrams and early American settlers - they clearly SAW the Indians sitting around smoking peace pipes and not ONE of them was thoughtful enough to introduce the indians to the "Peace Bongs" they had back on their ships hidden in their foot lockers!
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My mother was always asking me if I wanted (or needed) a beating and I always said no - do you think when masochists are children they actually answer "Yes please" to those strange questions parents ask about beatings?
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Shower Door Don" (PG-17) - the true story of a man who was such a terrible horny perverted person that a Louisiana witch doctor casts the rare and evil "Shower Door Curse" on him - and every naked woman he sees from that moment on appears as if she's behind one of those terrible plastic shower doors - bumpy and wavy she looks, her bush looks huge and distorted, her nipples are deformed and wavy. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll delight watching Don trying desperately to break the shower-door spell. (2 hrs, 4 mins Adult situations, nudity, drug use, sodomy, language)
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: You people on roller-coasters who hold your hands up in the air and scream - why can't you just grip the damned bar with white-knuckles and nearly pee in your pants in fear like I do!?
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If I were a Great White Shark the thing that would probably piss me off the most is having those stupid Discovery Channel photographers and documentary makers in my face all the time - do they EVER leave sharks alone?
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The following entry is written entirely in Chinese and is for Chinese readers only - the rest of you please don't pretend you "get it" when you don't!:
用较常见的字 索选项或尝试其他不同的选项项或尝试其他用较常见的字 索选
|
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : i'm a little worried my penis is too big. It's like the length of a really long pencil. "
(A really long 6 inch number 2 pencil? Does it have a handy lead tip? - Monkey )
______________________________________
Someone watching the Monkey eat the other days said - "Damn dude - you'd put Ranch dressing on about anything and it eat it wouldn't you!?" They're right. I answered - "I'd go to the backyard right now, grab up a big frozen dog turd, and gimme some ranch dressing and I'd eat it" (This didn't go over really well at the dinner table - but they DID ask)
______________________________________
I would never want to live in a third-world nation. A second-world nation wouldn't be that bad though - we never hear anything negative about second-world countries - only those pathetic third-world countries.
______________________________________
Differences in Mom vs. Dad parenting? My wife wasn't around and I was with the two boys - I heard them fighting and I let it go - and then I heard crying. One of them had nailed the other in the face with an apple. (He wasn't hurt badly don't worry) - I thought this was sort of FUNNY actually - boys will be boys and all - and the fact that the one son thought to grab an APPLE of all things and use it as a WEAPON had me chuckling. But my wife was NOT amused when she heard of the apple incident - her points; 1) They shouldn't have been fighting like that for so long, B) No apples should have nailed EITHER of her son's heads, and 3) it's NOT funny. Can I get some support or was the monkey wrong?
______________________________________
If there were a yellow magnetic car ribbon that said "Don't support the troops" - would anyone even notice?
______________________________________
I like to think that somewhere out there is a mannequin factory - and of course different parts of the factory make different parts for the mannequins - and down in the shop where they mass-produce the hands - I'd like to think every now and again just for fun a worker screams out "Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care!" - and all the workers start throwing hands in the air and the mannequin-hand-department supervisor gets really angry.
______________________________________
If I were a pizza delivery man, I'd EXPECT to get shows from horny housewives and be disappointed if I didn't! If a woman came to the door fully dressed to get her pizza I'd politely "suggest" to her that maybe she should go change and I'll come back in a few more minutes when's she not quite so "decent".
______________________________________
If I ever commit suicide I'm going to blame strange people - just for kicks. My suicide note will say something like "Was driven to this by Zamfir - master of the pan flute. Tell my wife Alice I love her"
(My wife is not Alice - but I want people to say "Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?")
______________________________________
The thing that pisses me off about the Pilgrams and early American settlers - they clearly SAW the Indians sitting around smoking peace pipes and not ONE of them was thoughtful enough to introduce the indians to the "Peace Bongs" they had back on their ships hidden in their foot lockers!
______________________________________
My mother was always asking me if I wanted (or needed) a beating and I always said no - do you think when masochists are children they actually answer "Yes please" to those strange questions parents ask about beatings?
______________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Shower Door Don" (PG-17) - the true story of a man who was such a terrible horny perverted person that a Louisiana witch doctor casts the rare and evil "Shower Door Curse" on him - and every naked woman he sees from that moment on appears as if she's behind one of those terrible plastic shower doors - bumpy and wavy she looks, her bush looks huge and distorted, her nipples are deformed and wavy. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll delight watching Don trying desperately to break the shower-door spell. (2 hrs, 4 mins Adult situations, nudity, drug use, sodomy, language)
______________________________________
People who need to be pimp-slapped: You people on roller-coasters who hold your hands up in the air and scream - why can't you just grip the damned bar with white-knuckles and nearly pee in your pants in fear like I do!?
______________________________________
If I were a Great White Shark the thing that would probably piss me off the most is having those stupid Discovery Channel photographers and documentary makers in my face all the time - do they EVER leave sharks alone?
______________________________________
The following entry is written entirely in Chinese and is for Chinese readers only - the rest of you please don't pretend you "get it" when you don't!:
用较常见的字 索选项或尝试其他不同的选项项或尝试其他用较常见的字 索选
yankeebird say it's Saturday, February 5th, 2 thousand and five
Today's blog is dedicated to one of my favorite things - Hydrogen Peroxide! That's right I LOVE to pour it on boo-boos and watch it fizz and bubble and sometimes burn - to me it's like it's some magical acid that's eating away the pain and hurt and germs! Hydrogen Peroxide - I love you! There's a few repeats here 'n' there in today's post. And HAPPY JEBBAH FLOSSUM DAY!!! (That's a 'Possum holiday for the uninformed - go see The 'Possum Blog - link on the right!)
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " My dead Irish terrier, Stevie, is trying to contact me through my dreams."
(Don't worry - it's not Stevie - Irish Setters are too damned stupid to even BEGIN to know how to contact you through your dreams! - Monkey )
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Women are so strange - they think that "Do you mind taking the skin bus to tonsil-town tonight honey?" isn't romantic! Go figure!
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Son and his friend were talking:
Son's friend: "Do you know Carl? Ever seen his mother? Dude she's hot!"
Son: "No - I've never seen her dude - I've heard she's hot though"
Monkey: "Oh, you mean she's an MILF!?"
Them (together): "Dude! What's an MILF!?"
Monkey: "Errr...nothing...never mind."
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If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on zee new German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
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I'm not religious at all. (You'll find most monkeys aren't) - but sometimes I like to have a little fun with religion. For example if I know I'm talking with a hard-core Christian - no matter what we're talking about or what happens - I'll throw in: "This situation reminds me a lot of what was said in Luke 3:19!" or - "This situation is similar to what we read in John 9:12"
The reply to this is usually either silence or they'll just say "Yep"
(They don't usually admit to not knowing the verse I quote)
The sad part is I just make it up! I usually use "John" or "Luke" and then a low number and a high number - it sounds good every time! (Example, Luke 4:19, John 7:12, etc..)
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Historical Blogs I'd like to see. The Marco Polo blog:
July 14, 1304: Went to the pool today - must be a full moon - what's with the people calling my name? Idiots!
July 17, 1304: Tried the pool again today - same thing - freaks! How do they know my name?
July 19, 1304: Tried one last time - same thing - never going to the pool again.
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Monkey Idea of the Day: I'd like to re-arrange the web's domain structure with new prefixes so that we know what is what at a glance:
.com - normal commercial sites
.cum - Porn sites
.scum - Spammer sites.
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Wife's Pet-Peeve: When I bring coffee in the car without a lid on it. (Which I can never find) So one day I bring coffee in her car without a lid and she gives me the speech and I swear up and down to her I WON'T spill it! Five seconds later I spill it on my crotch. The coffee scalds my poor monkey talleywhacker and balls - at least third-degree burns - but I can't scream or she'll know I spilled and say "I told you!" - we get to the store and people are staring at the strange guy limping around with a wet crotch and tears in his eyes. (Maybe they thought I was just drunk and peed my pants?)
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We used to live in Texas - my youngest son saw some construction going on here in Montana - a house being built - maybe 2 or 3 guys out there. "Why can't they have Mexicans to build things like in Texas? In Texas that house would be built in 2 days by a hundred Mexicans!"
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Monkey Future Predictions: In the year 2024, it will be discovered that there are waves of the frequency spectrum in space that we never dreamed of - it will also be discovered these waves can be "directed" towards Earth, this will revolutionize the communications world, but more importantly it will be discovered that the Microwave oven as we know it will be deemed VERY slow by space-wave standards. By the year 2026 you can cook a bag of popcorn in 1.3 seconds. A Jimmy Dean sausage biscuit? 000.2 seconds. (by 2030, 43% of the world's population will have Cancer caused by these space waves - but who cares - did you hear me - popcorn in 1.3 seconds!)
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One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!
______________________________________
Here in Montana I saw about 20 guys who had all jumped out of their pick-up trucks and were standing around at the gas station in a circle looking at something. Wow - I wonder what she looks like? I thought - I wonder who she is? I peeked in to see what they were looking at - it was no beautiful woman - it was a dead elk one of them had shot! The sad part - these guys all had hard-ons staring at this dead thing!
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I think you may be laughed at if you were a professional basketball player and all the boys were headed out after the big game to rape women and do drugs and you said you couldn't make it - that you had a Chess Club meeting you had to get to. I'm not so sure how long you'd last on the team.
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I'd like a dog just like Snoopy - I want a doghouse with a flat roof and he'll lay up there on his back all the live-long day - but I'll call him Scooby just to make things confusing.
______________________________________
People I'd like to pimp slap - 1) The "Ancient Chinese" - these bastards had a profound, witty "saying" for everything! Didn't they have anything better to do in those days than to walk around being wise? Didn't they have jobs?! 2) The "Ancient Egyptians" and "The Romans" - I'm sick of hearing how THEY did it first - well good for them! "The ROMANS had running water in their houses." "The Ancient Egyptians invented birth control." La-dee-da! I'm sick of you ancient Chinese, you ancient Egyptians and you ancient Romans - if you're so friggin' smart how come you're not around now!? HUH!?
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " My dead Irish terrier, Stevie, is trying to contact me through my dreams."
(Don't worry - it's not Stevie - Irish Setters are too damned stupid to even BEGIN to know how to contact you through your dreams! - Monkey )
______________________________________
Women are so strange - they think that "Do you mind taking the skin bus to tonsil-town tonight honey?" isn't romantic! Go figure!
______________________________________
Son and his friend were talking:
Son's friend: "Do you know Carl? Ever seen his mother? Dude she's hot!"
Son: "No - I've never seen her dude - I've heard she's hot though"
Monkey: "Oh, you mean she's an MILF!?"
Them (together): "Dude! What's an MILF!?"
Monkey: "Errr...nothing...never mind."
______________________________________
If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on zee new German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
______________________________________
I'm not religious at all. (You'll find most monkeys aren't) - but sometimes I like to have a little fun with religion. For example if I know I'm talking with a hard-core Christian - no matter what we're talking about or what happens - I'll throw in: "This situation reminds me a lot of what was said in Luke 3:19!" or - "This situation is similar to what we read in John 9:12"
The reply to this is usually either silence or they'll just say "Yep"
(They don't usually admit to not knowing the verse I quote)
The sad part is I just make it up! I usually use "John" or "Luke" and then a low number and a high number - it sounds good every time! (Example, Luke 4:19, John 7:12, etc..)
______________________________________
Historical Blogs I'd like to see. The Marco Polo blog:
July 14, 1304: Went to the pool today - must be a full moon - what's with the people calling my name? Idiots!
July 17, 1304: Tried the pool again today - same thing - freaks! How do they know my name?
July 19, 1304: Tried one last time - same thing - never going to the pool again.
______________________________________
Monkey Idea of the Day: I'd like to re-arrange the web's domain structure with new prefixes so that we know what is what at a glance:
.com - normal commercial sites
.cum - Porn sites
.scum - Spammer sites.
______________________________________
Wife's Pet-Peeve: When I bring coffee in the car without a lid on it. (Which I can never find) So one day I bring coffee in her car without a lid and she gives me the speech and I swear up and down to her I WON'T spill it! Five seconds later I spill it on my crotch. The coffee scalds my poor monkey talleywhacker and balls - at least third-degree burns - but I can't scream or she'll know I spilled and say "I told you!" - we get to the store and people are staring at the strange guy limping around with a wet crotch and tears in his eyes. (Maybe they thought I was just drunk and peed my pants?)
______________________________________
We used to live in Texas - my youngest son saw some construction going on here in Montana - a house being built - maybe 2 or 3 guys out there. "Why can't they have Mexicans to build things like in Texas? In Texas that house would be built in 2 days by a hundred Mexicans!"
______________________________________
Monkey Future Predictions: In the year 2024, it will be discovered that there are waves of the frequency spectrum in space that we never dreamed of - it will also be discovered these waves can be "directed" towards Earth, this will revolutionize the communications world, but more importantly it will be discovered that the Microwave oven as we know it will be deemed VERY slow by space-wave standards. By the year 2026 you can cook a bag of popcorn in 1.3 seconds. A Jimmy Dean sausage biscuit? 000.2 seconds. (by 2030, 43% of the world's population will have Cancer caused by these space waves - but who cares - did you hear me - popcorn in 1.3 seconds!)
______________________________________
One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!
______________________________________
Here in Montana I saw about 20 guys who had all jumped out of their pick-up trucks and were standing around at the gas station in a circle looking at something. Wow - I wonder what she looks like? I thought - I wonder who she is? I peeked in to see what they were looking at - it was no beautiful woman - it was a dead elk one of them had shot! The sad part - these guys all had hard-ons staring at this dead thing!
______________________________________
I think you may be laughed at if you were a professional basketball player and all the boys were headed out after the big game to rape women and do drugs and you said you couldn't make it - that you had a Chess Club meeting you had to get to. I'm not so sure how long you'd last on the team.
______________________________________
I'd like a dog just like Snoopy - I want a doghouse with a flat roof and he'll lay up there on his back all the live-long day - but I'll call him Scooby just to make things confusing.
______________________________________
People I'd like to pimp slap - 1) The "Ancient Chinese" - these bastards had a profound, witty "saying" for everything! Didn't they have anything better to do in those days than to walk around being wise? Didn't they have jobs?! 2) The "Ancient Egyptians" and "The Romans" - I'm sick of hearing how THEY did it first - well good for them! "The ROMANS had running water in their houses." "The Ancient Egyptians invented birth control." La-dee-da! I'm sick of you ancient Chinese, you ancient Egyptians and you ancient Romans - if you're so friggin' smart how come you're not around now!? HUH!?
That guy says it's February third, two-thousand and five
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 583 people who were killed on March 27th, 1977 in the Canary Islands when a KLM 74 collided with a Pan Am 747 on the runway during heavy fog and both planes erupted into flames. February is the Monkey Cage Blog's Blogivesary! One year! (How many more can I do ya think?)
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "ha studying! ive been looking up porn all day! i hope they ask exam questions relating to girl on girl sex...mmmm..."
(Err...sure....they always ask at least ONE girl on girl sex question - relax! - Monkey )
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My family knows the rules - when we play Monopoly I'm the top hat or I don't play. Playing Clue? I'm Professor Plum or the Monkey doesn't play. Chess? I'm black or I don't play. All other games I'm the blue piece by default or no play. (I'm so easy-going and care-free!)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Grass Head" (PG-17) Edward Bozlee was a balding Home Depot Garden Department worker by day, but by night a mad scientist inventor. Watch as one night he accidently takes work home with him and invents a cure for male baldness that works 100% of the time and within seconds - the only catch - it allows men to grow Bermuda grass on their heads instead of hair! You'll laugh, you'll cry as you watch Edward trying to sell his wacky balding cure around the nation. (2 hrs 7 min Adult situations and language, nudity, drug use, sodomy)
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"inappropriate remarks by the Monkey" - I tend to say what I feel and think - which can get me into trouble. My wife and her buddy think that I should not have told the new girl at work: "Your hair is very beautiful" - even though it IS and I had no ulterior motives. Please discuss if my remark was evil or good, in a 4,310 word essay which is to be written with a #2 pencil, double-spaced, and turned in by Monday - show your work.
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I hate to say this about a legend and mentor of mine - Willy Wonka - but where in the movie are the girl Oompa Loompas? Anyone spot one? I didn't. That's because I think he puts all the dude Oompa Loompas to work in his chocolate factory, and all those sweet young green girl Oompa Loompas to work in his bedroom - a place the cameras never took us in this classic movie.
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Feasts! This has been bothering me for some time. We talk of "having a feast", we hear of "feasts" - but - ever been to one? I doubt it. Why not? Why don't we have FEASTS anymore? We have "dinners" and "dinner parties", and we have people over to eat - but I want to see more FEASTS! Yes - with huge long wooden tables, wenches, huge roasted pigs and other beasts on the table, grapes, and a non-stop flow of grog for everyone, followed by a huge nasty orgy! I'm going to start a new holiday - "Feast Day" - who's with me?
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The lady at the post office thinks I'm strange and looked at me like I was an idiot because I asked her in all seriousness how much it costs for a stamp to mail a letter. What's HER deal? Not everyone keeps up with how much stamps are! (or do they?)
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Every US State now seems to offer many varieties of license plates these days - special edition, "cute" license plates. That's because in the old days prisons were no walk-in-the-park buddy! -Those men pounded out ONE kind of metal license plate BY HAND with chisel and hammer and that was your only choice. Now we have prisoners obviously playing around with computers and Photoshop, churning out fancy-smancy colorful PRETTY license plates in oh-so-many patterns and styles to choose from. Please.
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So I'm checking out a porn DVD on the computer when my wife walks in. It works every time - "Damned web site POP-UPS!!!" I yell as I close up the DVD player window.
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We hear it all the time - one of those wacky scientific facts that even idiots can quote - "no two snowflakes are identical" - but not many know the story behind this. In 1953 at the US Weather Institute a young rookie scientist was given the so-called impossible task of finding out if snowflakes match by his evil more senior scientists at the lab - it was supposed to be a joke on the new guy - a goof - but nobody laughed when that rookie scientist actually looked at every snowflake in the world under a microscope, (on his lunch break!) and announced that no two snowflakes were alike.
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Secret to peace/love/compassion revealed: Here's a patented Monkey method for not getting so irate/impatient with people and treating EVERYONE kindly and with compassion. I'm pretty sure it was used by the world's greatest throughout history (Ghandi, Confuscious, Buddha, Mohammed, etc) and I know the secret, I use this method and share it with you now for free. When I'm ready to kill some guy, I stop and imagine him as a little tiny cute innocent baby - babies are so pure and sweet and this helps me deal with the guy and I can't be angry at him and have only love and compassion for him. When a girl is getting on my nerves, I know that no matter how mean she is, she's got a beautiful, wonderful vagina and MAYBE even nice cute silky panties covering it and my heart melts and I can't be angry at her and have only love and compassion for her.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "ha studying! ive been looking up porn all day! i hope they ask exam questions relating to girl on girl sex...mmmm..."
(Err...sure....they always ask at least ONE girl on girl sex question - relax! - Monkey )
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My family knows the rules - when we play Monopoly I'm the top hat or I don't play. Playing Clue? I'm Professor Plum or the Monkey doesn't play. Chess? I'm black or I don't play. All other games I'm the blue piece by default or no play. (I'm so easy-going and care-free!)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Grass Head" (PG-17) Edward Bozlee was a balding Home Depot Garden Department worker by day, but by night a mad scientist inventor. Watch as one night he accidently takes work home with him and invents a cure for male baldness that works 100% of the time and within seconds - the only catch - it allows men to grow Bermuda grass on their heads instead of hair! You'll laugh, you'll cry as you watch Edward trying to sell his wacky balding cure around the nation. (2 hrs 7 min Adult situations and language, nudity, drug use, sodomy)
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"inappropriate remarks by the Monkey" - I tend to say what I feel and think - which can get me into trouble. My wife and her buddy think that I should not have told the new girl at work: "Your hair is very beautiful" - even though it IS and I had no ulterior motives. Please discuss if my remark was evil or good, in a 4,310 word essay which is to be written with a #2 pencil, double-spaced, and turned in by Monday - show your work.
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I hate to say this about a legend and mentor of mine - Willy Wonka - but where in the movie are the girl Oompa Loompas? Anyone spot one? I didn't. That's because I think he puts all the dude Oompa Loompas to work in his chocolate factory, and all those sweet young green girl Oompa Loompas to work in his bedroom - a place the cameras never took us in this classic movie.
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Feasts! This has been bothering me for some time. We talk of "having a feast", we hear of "feasts" - but - ever been to one? I doubt it. Why not? Why don't we have FEASTS anymore? We have "dinners" and "dinner parties", and we have people over to eat - but I want to see more FEASTS! Yes - with huge long wooden tables, wenches, huge roasted pigs and other beasts on the table, grapes, and a non-stop flow of grog for everyone, followed by a huge nasty orgy! I'm going to start a new holiday - "Feast Day" - who's with me?
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The lady at the post office thinks I'm strange and looked at me like I was an idiot because I asked her in all seriousness how much it costs for a stamp to mail a letter. What's HER deal? Not everyone keeps up with how much stamps are! (or do they?)
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Every US State now seems to offer many varieties of license plates these days - special edition, "cute" license plates. That's because in the old days prisons were no walk-in-the-park buddy! -Those men pounded out ONE kind of metal license plate BY HAND with chisel and hammer and that was your only choice. Now we have prisoners obviously playing around with computers and Photoshop, churning out fancy-smancy colorful PRETTY license plates in oh-so-many patterns and styles to choose from. Please.
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So I'm checking out a porn DVD on the computer when my wife walks in. It works every time - "Damned web site POP-UPS!!!" I yell as I close up the DVD player window.
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We hear it all the time - one of those wacky scientific facts that even idiots can quote - "no two snowflakes are identical" - but not many know the story behind this. In 1953 at the US Weather Institute a young rookie scientist was given the so-called impossible task of finding out if snowflakes match by his evil more senior scientists at the lab - it was supposed to be a joke on the new guy - a goof - but nobody laughed when that rookie scientist actually looked at every snowflake in the world under a microscope, (on his lunch break!) and announced that no two snowflakes were alike.
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Secret to peace/love/compassion revealed: Here's a patented Monkey method for not getting so irate/impatient with people and treating EVERYONE kindly and with compassion. I'm pretty sure it was used by the world's greatest throughout history (Ghandi, Confuscious, Buddha, Mohammed, etc) and I know the secret, I use this method and share it with you now for free. When I'm ready to kill some guy, I stop and imagine him as a little tiny cute innocent baby - babies are so pure and sweet and this helps me deal with the guy and I can't be angry at him and have only love and compassion for him. When a girl is getting on my nerves, I know that no matter how mean she is, she's got a beautiful, wonderful vagina and MAYBE even nice cute silky panties covering it and my heart melts and I can't be angry at her and have only love and compassion for her.
