The
Monkey CageThey call it January 31, two-thousand and five
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 128 passengers who burned to death or drowned onboard the cruise ship Lakonia on December 22nd, 1963.
______________________________________
Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
______________________________________
"In the morning you go gunnin' for the man who stole your water - and you fire 'till he is done in but they catch you at the border" "Do It Again" by Steely Dan (1972) - I always loved these lyrics - I respect a man who has his water stolen and goes "gunnin'" for the thief and kills him. I'm wondering if in today's world, someone made off with your water bottle you could go gunnin' in the morning?
______________________________________
If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
______________________________________
Saw a clown in Barnes & Noble sitting in a nice big chair, with a book, with his FEET on the table. This makes me sick - what kind of manners allows a man to put his feet on ANY table? Barnes & Noble already lets us get coffee, go sit down in comfortable chairs and read - for free - that to me is unbelievably nice, and some asshole's gotta take it one step further and put his feet on a table!?
______________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I once attempted suicide in an effort to compel this woman to feel enough pity to offer me sex."
(Yeah but you guys put on one hell of a show out there on that skyscraper ledge! - Monkey)
______________________________________
My dog thinks Mr. vacuum cleaner is some sort of great, powerful god. She cowers down when she hears it turn on, she will NEVER look directly at it - she refuses to make eye contact with it out of respect. She leaves each room Mr. Vacuum cleaner enters so as not to be in His way. He is Mr. Vacuum Cleaner, god of gods.
______________________________________
If you accidently drank a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®, you'd probably be relieved when you read on the bottle - "..MAY be fatal.." That means you MAY not die - that there's hope!
______________________________________
Have you noticed people will still forward joke emails and say "You'll love this - needs a sound card" or - "..needs sound" Who the HELL still buys a computer without a sound card or sound!?
______________________________________
One of my favorite parts of movies is when that big THC logo screen comes on - you know, the one that shows the power of THC and plays the cool sound and says "The audience is listening"
______________________________________
I want to get ahold of Dr. Eric E. Schmidt, Chairman of the Executive Committee and CEO of Google, and send him a Google Gmail invite - I'll bet no one's even thought to send HIM one and he's still waiting! People ASSUME that because he's the CEO someone sent him an invite?
______________________________________
Remember going to school in the 70's and having them cram their Metric system down our little throats - "You WILL use this when you grow up - the US will adopt the metric system!" they cried.. Metric Schmetric - every now and then you may need some Metric System knowledge to buy some drugs or get a bottle of Coke - but that's about it.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: Are you one of those people who hits the snooze button over and over again in the morning to the point of you're ABUSING the snooze button? The "Monkey You Snooze You Lose Alarm Clock" (MYSYLAC) is just what you need! You're allowed to hit the snooze button ONCE, but if you hit it again, this special alarm clock will send 2,000 volts at 5 amps (same as most electric chairs) right through your hand and into your brain and you'll be instantly killed. (Batteries sold separately, may be a choking hazard, actual voltage may vary)
|
______________________________________
Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
______________________________________
"In the morning you go gunnin' for the man who stole your water - and you fire 'till he is done in but they catch you at the border" "Do It Again" by Steely Dan (1972) - I always loved these lyrics - I respect a man who has his water stolen and goes "gunnin'" for the thief and kills him. I'm wondering if in today's world, someone made off with your water bottle you could go gunnin' in the morning?
______________________________________
If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
______________________________________
Saw a clown in Barnes & Noble sitting in a nice big chair, with a book, with his FEET on the table. This makes me sick - what kind of manners allows a man to put his feet on ANY table? Barnes & Noble already lets us get coffee, go sit down in comfortable chairs and read - for free - that to me is unbelievably nice, and some asshole's gotta take it one step further and put his feet on a table!?
______________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I once attempted suicide in an effort to compel this woman to feel enough pity to offer me sex."
(Yeah but you guys put on one hell of a show out there on that skyscraper ledge! - Monkey)
______________________________________
My dog thinks Mr. vacuum cleaner is some sort of great, powerful god. She cowers down when she hears it turn on, she will NEVER look directly at it - she refuses to make eye contact with it out of respect. She leaves each room Mr. Vacuum cleaner enters so as not to be in His way. He is Mr. Vacuum Cleaner, god of gods.
______________________________________
If you accidently drank a bottle of Drano® or Liquid Plummer®, you'd probably be relieved when you read on the bottle - "..MAY be fatal.." That means you MAY not die - that there's hope!
______________________________________
Have you noticed people will still forward joke emails and say "You'll love this - needs a sound card" or - "..needs sound" Who the HELL still buys a computer without a sound card or sound!?
______________________________________
One of my favorite parts of movies is when that big THC logo screen comes on - you know, the one that shows the power of THC and plays the cool sound and says "The audience is listening"
______________________________________
I want to get ahold of Dr. Eric E. Schmidt, Chairman of the Executive Committee and CEO of Google, and send him a Google Gmail invite - I'll bet no one's even thought to send HIM one and he's still waiting! People ASSUME that because he's the CEO someone sent him an invite?
______________________________________
Remember going to school in the 70's and having them cram their Metric system down our little throats - "You WILL use this when you grow up - the US will adopt the metric system!" they cried.. Metric Schmetric - every now and then you may need some Metric System knowledge to buy some drugs or get a bottle of Coke - but that's about it.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: Are you one of those people who hits the snooze button over and over again in the morning to the point of you're ABUSING the snooze button? The "Monkey You Snooze You Lose Alarm Clock" (MYSYLAC) is just what you need! You're allowed to hit the snooze button ONCE, but if you hit it again, this special alarm clock will send 2,000 volts at 5 amps (same as most electric chairs) right through your hand and into your brain and you'll be instantly killed. (Batteries sold separately, may be a choking hazard, actual voltage may vary)
Saturday January 29th, 2000 and 5
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 63 men and women, ranging in age from 75 to 90, in the "Golden Age Nursing Home" in Fitchville, Ohio, who were burned to death when the home caught fire in November of 1963. Only 21 survived. All repeats today except for the first one - apologies in advance.
_________________________________________________
Guess what this is?:
Jan 2, 2005: Rotting, stinking, bloated
Jan 3, 2005: I can still see where he used to wear his saddle.
Jan 4, 2005: Everyone I know has called to give their condolences
Jan 5, 2005: Now he's really starting to stink and bloat - must move him out of the back yard today!
(This is: Blogging a dead horse)
_________________________________________________
Favorite quote from today's http://grouphug.us : "i just watched a porn video online. now im emailing the guy to talk about the angles of his production. also what camera and editing software he uses"
(What a freak - Monkey)
_________________________________________________
"Mars ain't the kind of place to raise a kid, in fact it's cold as hell - And there's no-one there to raise them if you did " - Elton John - "Rocket Man" I don't know Elton - the way my kids have been acting lately - I may send them anyway - cold or not. Montana is cold as hell and they can hack that - I'm thinking some time on Mars to sit and think about how they've been acting may just do them some good.
_________________________________________________
Monkey Movie idea of the day: "Detention" (PG-17) - the touching story of Roy Ellison, who is assigned a two hour, 14 minute in-school-suspension - watch as Roy watches the clock on the wall. (2 hrs, 14 min) (Graphic nudity, sodomy, sexual situations, drug use, adult language)
_________________________________________________
I want to build a big house - and in that house I want to have a billiard room, a study, a library, a kitchen, a Conservatory - and in some of those rooms I will leave a rope, a candlestick, a leadpipe, knife, etc. I think this would get guests thinking - "Gosh this all looks familar but from WHERE!?"
_________________________________________________
Monkey Prediction of the Day: In the future, you will be able to actually touch, pick up, and carry around icons! Yep - you heard me - a program/application will be located on an icon, and if you want it on another computer you will reach up to the monitor, and PICK UP the icon off the screen, and put it in your pocket, or your wallet. You will have all your own personal data, all your email, all your programs, within an icon, your very own icon. Icons will be actual 3D real things, about the same size as they are now, but about as thick as a credit card.
_________________________________________________
If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
_________________________________________________
Don't you just hate it when you're starving and you're shooting at some food, and up from the ground comes a bubblin' crude!? You can't friggin' EAT bubblin' crude - you can't DRINK it - dammit man when I shoot at food I want to hit FOOD!!!
_________________________________________________
What's the deal with the employees at Old Navy and other stores wearing wireless headsets like Madonna and walking around talking to each other? What are they saying? I can only imagine - I'm SURE they're talking about me: "Look at this poor clown...his wife shopping away...what a loser...he must have no balls at all if he let his wife drag him into Old Navy...she probably makes him listen to Clay Aikens...he probably is getting the Clay Aiken Christmas CD for Christmas...what a pussy-whipped poor sap"
_________________________________________________
Don't you just hate it when you go and open a nice can of dolphin meat and find that they've got TUNA mixed in with it!? Can't they even TRY to keep the Tunas from swimming into the dolphin nets?! How hard can that be!?
_________________________________________________
My wife was admiring a very small pink shirt the other day in the store. I don't get it - when I do her laundry and accidently create tiny little pink shirts out of her big white shirts she gets upset! I can't win.
_________________________________________________
Monkey Prediction of the Day: (they call me Nostradamus) In the year 2007, a 712 lb man in Kentucky will revolutionize the auto industry by perfecting a windshield that needs no windshield wipers - rain, snow, ice, even bugs, literally dissolve the moment it hits this windshield - wipers will become obsolete within months. This will be done through a combination of ultra-high frequencies (UHF), a special gel, four toothpicks, and an Otter's tooth.
_________________________________________________
I wonder if in 1978 in Jonestown, Guyana anyone went up to Jim Jones and asked him how many carbs were in the Kool-Aid?
|
_________________________________________________
Guess what this is?:
Jan 2, 2005: Rotting, stinking, bloated
Jan 3, 2005: I can still see where he used to wear his saddle.
Jan 4, 2005: Everyone I know has called to give their condolences
Jan 5, 2005: Now he's really starting to stink and bloat - must move him out of the back yard today!
(This is: Blogging a dead horse)
_________________________________________________
Favorite quote from today's http://grouphug.us : "i just watched a porn video online. now im emailing the guy to talk about the angles of his production. also what camera and editing software he uses"
(What a freak - Monkey)
_________________________________________________
"Mars ain't the kind of place to raise a kid, in fact it's cold as hell - And there's no-one there to raise them if you did " - Elton John - "Rocket Man" I don't know Elton - the way my kids have been acting lately - I may send them anyway - cold or not. Montana is cold as hell and they can hack that - I'm thinking some time on Mars to sit and think about how they've been acting may just do them some good.
_________________________________________________
Monkey Movie idea of the day: "Detention" (PG-17) - the touching story of Roy Ellison, who is assigned a two hour, 14 minute in-school-suspension - watch as Roy watches the clock on the wall. (2 hrs, 14 min) (Graphic nudity, sodomy, sexual situations, drug use, adult language)
_________________________________________________
I want to build a big house - and in that house I want to have a billiard room, a study, a library, a kitchen, a Conservatory - and in some of those rooms I will leave a rope, a candlestick, a leadpipe, knife, etc. I think this would get guests thinking - "Gosh this all looks familar but from WHERE!?"
_________________________________________________
Monkey Prediction of the Day: In the future, you will be able to actually touch, pick up, and carry around icons! Yep - you heard me - a program/application will be located on an icon, and if you want it on another computer you will reach up to the monitor, and PICK UP the icon off the screen, and put it in your pocket, or your wallet. You will have all your own personal data, all your email, all your programs, within an icon, your very own icon. Icons will be actual 3D real things, about the same size as they are now, but about as thick as a credit card.
_________________________________________________
If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
_________________________________________________
Don't you just hate it when you're starving and you're shooting at some food, and up from the ground comes a bubblin' crude!? You can't friggin' EAT bubblin' crude - you can't DRINK it - dammit man when I shoot at food I want to hit FOOD!!!
_________________________________________________
What's the deal with the employees at Old Navy and other stores wearing wireless headsets like Madonna and walking around talking to each other? What are they saying? I can only imagine - I'm SURE they're talking about me: "Look at this poor clown...his wife shopping away...what a loser...he must have no balls at all if he let his wife drag him into Old Navy...she probably makes him listen to Clay Aikens...he probably is getting the Clay Aiken Christmas CD for Christmas...what a pussy-whipped poor sap"
_________________________________________________
Don't you just hate it when you go and open a nice can of dolphin meat and find that they've got TUNA mixed in with it!? Can't they even TRY to keep the Tunas from swimming into the dolphin nets?! How hard can that be!?
_________________________________________________
My wife was admiring a very small pink shirt the other day in the store. I don't get it - when I do her laundry and accidently create tiny little pink shirts out of her big white shirts she gets upset! I can't win.
_________________________________________________
Monkey Prediction of the Day: (they call me Nostradamus) In the year 2007, a 712 lb man in Kentucky will revolutionize the auto industry by perfecting a windshield that needs no windshield wipers - rain, snow, ice, even bugs, literally dissolve the moment it hits this windshield - wipers will become obsolete within months. This will be done through a combination of ultra-high frequencies (UHF), a special gel, four toothpicks, and an Otter's tooth.
_________________________________________________
I wonder if in 1978 in Jonestown, Guyana anyone went up to Jim Jones and asked him how many carbs were in the Kool-Aid?
I hear 'em say today is January 26, two-thousand five
Today's blog is dedicated to Staff Sgt. Jeremy R. Horton, 24, of Erie, Penn., who died May 21, 2004 in near Al Iskandariyah, Iraq when an improvised explosive device exploded. Horton was assigned to Company B, 2nd Battalion, 6th Infantry Regiment, 1st Armored Division, Baumholder, Germany. Spot the repeats - a couple here today. Also Jebbah Flossum Day is near! (Check The 'Possum Blog!)
______________________________________
Monkey Prediction: By the year 2014, US Pennies will be phased out. By the year 2019, collectors will pay up to five cents PER penny. By the year 2024, pennies will be the hottest collector item ever and worth upwards of a dollar and a half EACH.
______________________________________
If I were a Swordfish in the deep blue sea, I'd be tempted to go around yelling "Engarde!" and the other fish would hate my guts in no time. I'd also "accidently" run into other fish with my big cool swordlike nose.
______________________________________
I tend to sleep with huge wood - with it proudly reaching for the moon - and when I camp I hate using a tent of any sort - could my wood in this situation then become a lightening ROD and attract lightening? And if I WERE to be struck by lightening on my Johnson, I wonder - would I have a huge orgasm before I died? Would the lightening and huge voltage do that?
______________________________________
I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert.
______________________________________
I work with a bunch of chicks - and often they'll all agree on when a guy is "hot" - so I'll go look at the guy to see what girls mean by "hot" - then later they'll say a guy is "cute" - so I'll go see what they mean by "cute". I don't think I've ever heard them say a guy is hot AND cute.
______________________________________
I think your son would grow up to hate you if you gave him a middle name of "Precum"
______________________________________
It might be a good idea to carry one of those Monopoly game "Get out of jail free" cards in your wallet - that way if you're ever busted and taken down to the jail you can present it to the police down there. They might find it so funny that they'll cut you a break and let you walk....THIS time.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the day: Monkey Interference Cell Phone (MICP) - Are you one who doesn't like to talk on the phone? With the MICP, you simply press the pound key on your cell phone when it's time to go and this cell phone will simulate signal loss and interference. You simply keep talking and within seconds the person on the other end will declare "Look man the interference is too much - I'm losing your signal - I gotta go!" You're done. Batteries not included
______________________________________
"Ground control to major Tom - Take your protein pill and put your helmet on." - Major Tom do this, Major Tom do that - why can't they just leave Major Tom the fuck ALONE in his tin can? What a bunch of pests, those Mission Control guys!
______________________________________
I'd have made a lousy wild-west indian because I fall asleep so easily. I'd have put my ear on the railroad track to listen for the white-man train to come and I'd have fallen asleep. The iron-horse would've run over my sleepy indian head.
|
______________________________________
Monkey Prediction: By the year 2014, US Pennies will be phased out. By the year 2019, collectors will pay up to five cents PER penny. By the year 2024, pennies will be the hottest collector item ever and worth upwards of a dollar and a half EACH.
______________________________________
If I were a Swordfish in the deep blue sea, I'd be tempted to go around yelling "Engarde!" and the other fish would hate my guts in no time. I'd also "accidently" run into other fish with my big cool swordlike nose.
______________________________________
I tend to sleep with huge wood - with it proudly reaching for the moon - and when I camp I hate using a tent of any sort - could my wood in this situation then become a lightening ROD and attract lightening? And if I WERE to be struck by lightening on my Johnson, I wonder - would I have a huge orgasm before I died? Would the lightening and huge voltage do that?
______________________________________
I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert.
______________________________________
I work with a bunch of chicks - and often they'll all agree on when a guy is "hot" - so I'll go look at the guy to see what girls mean by "hot" - then later they'll say a guy is "cute" - so I'll go see what they mean by "cute". I don't think I've ever heard them say a guy is hot AND cute.
______________________________________
I think your son would grow up to hate you if you gave him a middle name of "Precum"
______________________________________
It might be a good idea to carry one of those Monopoly game "Get out of jail free" cards in your wallet - that way if you're ever busted and taken down to the jail you can present it to the police down there. They might find it so funny that they'll cut you a break and let you walk....THIS time.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the day: Monkey Interference Cell Phone (MICP) - Are you one who doesn't like to talk on the phone? With the MICP, you simply press the pound key on your cell phone when it's time to go and this cell phone will simulate signal loss and interference. You simply keep talking and within seconds the person on the other end will declare "Look man the interference is too much - I'm losing your signal - I gotta go!" You're done. Batteries not included
______________________________________
"Ground control to major Tom - Take your protein pill and put your helmet on." - Major Tom do this, Major Tom do that - why can't they just leave Major Tom the fuck ALONE in his tin can? What a bunch of pests, those Mission Control guys!
______________________________________
I'd have made a lousy wild-west indian because I fall asleep so easily. I'd have put my ear on the railroad track to listen for the white-man train to come and I'd have fallen asleep. The iron-horse would've run over my sleepy indian head.
They're calling it January the 23rd, the year: 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Johnny Carson, who died today at the age of 79. The world will miss Johnny.
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : When my penis is erect, it gets smaller than when it's flaccid."
(So in a way you're walking around with a hard-on? - Monkey)
______________________________________
Back in my day if we wanted to ensure we got passing grades in school all we had to do was get to the mailbox before our parents did and do some magic on the report card...turn that F into a B - turn that frown upside down! Kids nowadays don't have it so easy - to change their grades they need to be up on firewalls, cracking, IP spoofing, backdoors, Unix/Linux, scripting, etc.
______________________________________
Beyond not-cool category: I saw on the SIDE of a toilet paper roll a brown smudge stain. That's just beyond not cool.
______________________________________
Little girls of a certain age love seahorses, stuffed animals, unicorns, and they love rainbows and sparkly things. Monkey Toys Inc., (a subsidiary of Monkey Labs, Inc.) has come up with a stuffed, rainbow colored, sparkly seahorse who is also a unicorn! We'll be rich! (batteries sold separately, Warning: Stuffed animal may contain lead, may contain ortho-phenylphenol, This product may contain undeclared egg whites. Choking hazard)
______________________________________
If my Mother-In-Law sees that I'm about to get some ice cream - within seconds she starts telling me to "put it in the microwave for a few seconds to soften it up and it will scoop right out!" - EVERY time - annoying as hell. I've been bodybuilding for a few years now, I'm strong as a country ox, and I'm a man - I can scoop out ice cream.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Defroster Breath Gum" (MDBG) - tired of going out and starting your car on cold winter mornings to defrost the windows? Monkey Labs, Inc. can help. Simply chew this special defroster gum, go out to your car and blow on the windows - ice and frost literally fall away! (No it won't work on your wife's cold heart)
______________________________________
I've never understood - bugs are so stupid they smash themselves into light bulbs over and over. ("Oh pretty - ouch! Mmmm light - ouch! Ohhh, 60 watts, ouch!") - so why on full moon nights don't they just all fly up to the pretty moon light bulb and die about halfway there!?
______________________________________
How come the REAL nurse uniforms are nothing like what nurses uniforms look like in porn? From now on I think we should re-shape our world to where reality matches porn
______________________________________
Remember as a kid having a blast on a really nice slide - the metal ones, your pants are just perfect for it and there's a short line to go back up to the top? Two things will mess this up - 1) Some idiot kids always start thinking it's more fun to run UP the slide, or 2) Someone puts a baby on the thing, the baby's diaper leaks baby shit and it gets on the slide and the whole park closes.
|
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : When my penis is erect, it gets smaller than when it's flaccid."
(So in a way you're walking around with a hard-on? - Monkey)
______________________________________
Back in my day if we wanted to ensure we got passing grades in school all we had to do was get to the mailbox before our parents did and do some magic on the report card...turn that F into a B - turn that frown upside down! Kids nowadays don't have it so easy - to change their grades they need to be up on firewalls, cracking, IP spoofing, backdoors, Unix/Linux, scripting, etc.
______________________________________
Beyond not-cool category: I saw on the SIDE of a toilet paper roll a brown smudge stain. That's just beyond not cool.
______________________________________
Little girls of a certain age love seahorses, stuffed animals, unicorns, and they love rainbows and sparkly things. Monkey Toys Inc., (a subsidiary of Monkey Labs, Inc.) has come up with a stuffed, rainbow colored, sparkly seahorse who is also a unicorn! We'll be rich! (batteries sold separately, Warning: Stuffed animal may contain lead, may contain ortho-phenylphenol, This product may contain undeclared egg whites. Choking hazard)
______________________________________
If my Mother-In-Law sees that I'm about to get some ice cream - within seconds she starts telling me to "put it in the microwave for a few seconds to soften it up and it will scoop right out!" - EVERY time - annoying as hell. I've been bodybuilding for a few years now, I'm strong as a country ox, and I'm a man - I can scoop out ice cream.
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Defroster Breath Gum" (MDBG) - tired of going out and starting your car on cold winter mornings to defrost the windows? Monkey Labs, Inc. can help. Simply chew this special defroster gum, go out to your car and blow on the windows - ice and frost literally fall away! (No it won't work on your wife's cold heart)
______________________________________
I've never understood - bugs are so stupid they smash themselves into light bulbs over and over. ("Oh pretty - ouch! Mmmm light - ouch! Ohhh, 60 watts, ouch!") - so why on full moon nights don't they just all fly up to the pretty moon light bulb and die about halfway there!?
______________________________________
How come the REAL nurse uniforms are nothing like what nurses uniforms look like in porn? From now on I think we should re-shape our world to where reality matches porn
______________________________________
Remember as a kid having a blast on a really nice slide - the metal ones, your pants are just perfect for it and there's a short line to go back up to the top? Two things will mess this up - 1) Some idiot kids always start thinking it's more fun to run UP the slide, or 2) Someone puts a baby on the thing, the baby's diaper leaks baby shit and it gets on the slide and the whole park closes.
They call today 01/20/05
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of a hobo who died in 1939 named Larry "Legbone" Travers. He could ride the rails all day long and he never stopped playing his harmonica. I don't know what he died of, I just made him up - but he sounds good huh!? Here's to you Legbone! (Note: The 'Possum Blog is coming along - may continue it - I'm kind of enjoying it)
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "i only can have an orgasm when im strapped to a craftmatic adjustable bed"
______________________________________________
If I were a beef cow, when the mean ol' rancher wasn't around - I would lead the other cattle in Calisthenics - but I'd call it "COWisthenics" We'd run around the field, we'd do push-ups and even attempt sit-ups. And when we started dropping weight the rancher would just scratch his head and we'd have a laugh about it later when he wasn't around.
______________________________________
I think cops would get mad if they sprayed you with Mace right in your face and you just laughed and licked your lips and said "Nummy-Nummy! Mace!"
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Carb Gun" (MCG) - with so many people cutting carbs - we at Monkey Labs Inc., have developed this gun, which, will shoot and inject the victim with staggering amounts of carbs. One "bullet" from this gun is equivalent to 48 BAGS of Frito's chips. "Don't move or I swear I'll pop some carbs in your ass Mother fucker!"
______________________________________
I'd be willing to bet that many of our ancestors actually tried to shoot the moon with their guns when nobody was looking. I'd bet almost none of them ever hit it, either, but I'll bet a lot kept on trying - hoping ONE day to be the man who shot the moon.
______________________________________
If you were a stripper, but really didn't feel like giving lap dances - you could just whisper in the guy's ear "twenty bucks for a REALLY good tap dance" - and he'll of course hear "LAP dance" - and then you take him into a back room, get the money, get him comfortable, put on your taps and do a quick (but GOOD) tap dance for him and send him on his way. (You may only work there ONE night so you better be tap dancing your ass off!)
______________________________________
This is an actual OnStar communication recorded on January 4th, 2005:
OnStar: "This is OnStar - how may I help you?"
Lady: "Hello! I need help NOW!"
OnStar: "We can help you - please ma'am what is the problem?"
Lady: "I can't get my windows down! I can't get my windows down and my husband has farted!"
OnStar: "Ma'am we can help you with that - please stand by and we will send a signal and remotely lower your windows..."
Lady: "The windows are now...oh my gosh they're down! THANK YOU OnStar!"
OnStar: "Our pleasure - is there anything else we can do to help you today ma'am?"
Lady: "No that's it - thank you so much I love you OnStar!"
______________________________________
The TWA stewardesses would get very angry at guys who would call them over and ask for some of that hot yummy "TWA Tea" (think about it)
______________________________________
What scares the Monkey: I'm scared of something that probably doesn't happen - I'm scared of people camouflaged and hiding along highways. I've blogged about "the barn guys" - who camouflage themselves as old barn wood/paint and stand next to barns along the highway. I'm scared of driving down a highway past a field and there's not one but 20 guys wearing grass camouflage laying in the grass and I go whizzing by them. Basically I'm scared of people camouflaging for no known reason along highways. Why does this scare me? I have no idea - but luckily it's not something that is going to ruin my life. (or is it?)
|
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "i only can have an orgasm when im strapped to a craftmatic adjustable bed"
______________________________________________
If I were a beef cow, when the mean ol' rancher wasn't around - I would lead the other cattle in Calisthenics - but I'd call it "COWisthenics" We'd run around the field, we'd do push-ups and even attempt sit-ups. And when we started dropping weight the rancher would just scratch his head and we'd have a laugh about it later when he wasn't around.
______________________________________
I think cops would get mad if they sprayed you with Mace right in your face and you just laughed and licked your lips and said "Nummy-Nummy! Mace!"
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Carb Gun" (MCG) - with so many people cutting carbs - we at Monkey Labs Inc., have developed this gun, which, will shoot and inject the victim with staggering amounts of carbs. One "bullet" from this gun is equivalent to 48 BAGS of Frito's chips. "Don't move or I swear I'll pop some carbs in your ass Mother fucker!"
______________________________________
I'd be willing to bet that many of our ancestors actually tried to shoot the moon with their guns when nobody was looking. I'd bet almost none of them ever hit it, either, but I'll bet a lot kept on trying - hoping ONE day to be the man who shot the moon.
______________________________________
If you were a stripper, but really didn't feel like giving lap dances - you could just whisper in the guy's ear "twenty bucks for a REALLY good tap dance" - and he'll of course hear "LAP dance" - and then you take him into a back room, get the money, get him comfortable, put on your taps and do a quick (but GOOD) tap dance for him and send him on his way. (You may only work there ONE night so you better be tap dancing your ass off!)
______________________________________
This is an actual OnStar communication recorded on January 4th, 2005:
OnStar: "This is OnStar - how may I help you?"
Lady: "Hello! I need help NOW!"
OnStar: "We can help you - please ma'am what is the problem?"
Lady: "I can't get my windows down! I can't get my windows down and my husband has farted!"
OnStar: "Ma'am we can help you with that - please stand by and we will send a signal and remotely lower your windows..."
Lady: "The windows are now...oh my gosh they're down! THANK YOU OnStar!"
OnStar: "Our pleasure - is there anything else we can do to help you today ma'am?"
Lady: "No that's it - thank you so much I love you OnStar!"
______________________________________
The TWA stewardesses would get very angry at guys who would call them over and ask for some of that hot yummy "TWA Tea" (think about it)
______________________________________
What scares the Monkey: I'm scared of something that probably doesn't happen - I'm scared of people camouflaged and hiding along highways. I've blogged about "the barn guys" - who camouflage themselves as old barn wood/paint and stand next to barns along the highway. I'm scared of driving down a highway past a field and there's not one but 20 guys wearing grass camouflage laying in the grass and I go whizzing by them. Basically I'm scared of people camouflaging for no known reason along highways. Why does this scare me? I have no idea - but luckily it's not something that is going to ruin my life. (or is it?)
I call today January the eighteeth, two-thousand and cinco
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of another personal hero of mine - Andy Kaufman.
______________________________________________
My wife's pretty good about hiding her "girl stuff" - I don't often see tampons laying around - I may find one in the car's glove compartment or in her coat pocket, but that's about it. I don't think us guys could be so discrete about it. I'd stick one behind my ear like a cigarette so it'd be handy when I needed it, and I'm sure other fellows would have tampons behind their ears.
______________________________________________
I'd not last long if I worked the drive-through at a fast-food joint because there's no way I could resist asking the patrons - "Is that for here or to go?"
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "In the Sims 2 I named a sim after a girl I liked, and tried to recreate her in the editor. Everything worked to scale but she looked horribly ugly. The next day I looked at her and realized she was indeed horribly ugly"
(Well - you recreated her then! Good job! - Monkey)
______________________________________
I'd not last long if I worked as a drive-through bank teller. When I saw Mom with her car full of kids out there - there's no way I could resist sending her some condoms through the canister instead of candy for the brats.
______________________________________
"Anonymous Sperm Donor" - strange term - guys I think we're all anonymous sperm donors in a way aren't we? Surely you've left your sperm somewhere, or in someone, or on someone - and not identified yourself!? Sure - we all have.
______________________________________
I can't have ANYTHING nice. ALL I ask is for no one to play with my can of WD-40 in the garage - it has a little red plastic "wand" that goes in it - for spraying - it's gone - where the hell is it and who in this house dares touch my WD-40!? Heads are gonna roll! You don't touch a man's woman or his WD-40!
______________________________________
Is it me or does it sound like Japanese people are always pissed off at each other when they're speaking?
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Testicle Thermostat" Anyone who knows anything about the wonders of testicles knows that they actually rise or drop depending on the temperature to maintain just the right temperature for making tadpoles. Monkey Labs Inc., has exploited this natural thermostat phenomena through wiring, telemetry and the computer chip to use the testicles to control the temperature of your house! Getting cold? Mr. Testicles know this - start to rise up and this also sends a signal to your house's heater to turn it up a notch! (Batteries sold separately. Women: The nipple thermostat is in the prototype stage)
______________________________________
Do male tigers wake up in the morning with tiger wood?
______________________________________
People think they're clever because they call those round looking eating utensils "Sporks" - "'cause they're half-spoons, half-forks" - but in reality they're more of a spoon than fork so they SHOULD be called "Foons" - but what do I know. I am working on a new invention; half-knife, half-spoon - I'm calling it the "Spife" - any financial backers?
|
______________________________________________
My wife's pretty good about hiding her "girl stuff" - I don't often see tampons laying around - I may find one in the car's glove compartment or in her coat pocket, but that's about it. I don't think us guys could be so discrete about it. I'd stick one behind my ear like a cigarette so it'd be handy when I needed it, and I'm sure other fellows would have tampons behind their ears.
______________________________________________
I'd not last long if I worked the drive-through at a fast-food joint because there's no way I could resist asking the patrons - "Is that for here or to go?"
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "In the Sims 2 I named a sim after a girl I liked, and tried to recreate her in the editor. Everything worked to scale but she looked horribly ugly. The next day I looked at her and realized she was indeed horribly ugly"
(Well - you recreated her then! Good job! - Monkey)
______________________________________
I'd not last long if I worked as a drive-through bank teller. When I saw Mom with her car full of kids out there - there's no way I could resist sending her some condoms through the canister instead of candy for the brats.
______________________________________
"Anonymous Sperm Donor" - strange term - guys I think we're all anonymous sperm donors in a way aren't we? Surely you've left your sperm somewhere, or in someone, or on someone - and not identified yourself!? Sure - we all have.
______________________________________
I can't have ANYTHING nice. ALL I ask is for no one to play with my can of WD-40 in the garage - it has a little red plastic "wand" that goes in it - for spraying - it's gone - where the hell is it and who in this house dares touch my WD-40!? Heads are gonna roll! You don't touch a man's woman or his WD-40!
______________________________________
Is it me or does it sound like Japanese people are always pissed off at each other when they're speaking?
______________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Testicle Thermostat" Anyone who knows anything about the wonders of testicles knows that they actually rise or drop depending on the temperature to maintain just the right temperature for making tadpoles. Monkey Labs Inc., has exploited this natural thermostat phenomena through wiring, telemetry and the computer chip to use the testicles to control the temperature of your house! Getting cold? Mr. Testicles know this - start to rise up and this also sends a signal to your house's heater to turn it up a notch! (Batteries sold separately. Women: The nipple thermostat is in the prototype stage)
______________________________________
Do male tigers wake up in the morning with tiger wood?
______________________________________
People think they're clever because they call those round looking eating utensils "Sporks" - "'cause they're half-spoons, half-forks" - but in reality they're more of a spoon than fork so they SHOULD be called "Foons" - but what do I know. I am working on a new invention; half-knife, half-spoon - I'm calling it the "Spife" - any financial backers?
January 16th, 2005 is what they call today
Today's blog is dedicated to all of you who voted for me in the BoB awards - no - I didn't win - but I was happy being simply nominated - and then even more happy to learn I was a finalist! Now I'm thrilled I placed in 5th place! Thank you all! A sprinkle of older stuff among new stuff today.
______________________________________________
Have you noticed that the word "shampoo" doesn't get any shorter? For instance, many people call a refrigerator a "'fridge" - but no body ever says "I need a bottle of 'poo for my hair"
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "i just smoked a bowl, and went and dug out of the tub of cookie dough with my bare hands. i hope i inspire people.."
(Oh you've inspired me!! - Monkey)
______________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Bi-Polar" (R) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
______________________________________
I've never cared much for hunting - and now, living in Montana - I feel out of place sometimes. Some guy at the gas station will come up to me and say "Did you get a buck yet this year?" And I'll say - "Well, no, but I found 49 cents the other day under the dryer". They practically run away.
______________________________________________
Things I learned in my four years as a Boy Scout of America; Cigarettes & weed can best be transported to camping trips in the bottom of a rolled up sleeping bag. Tents are very flammable. A can of Right Guard deodorant, when thrown into a fire - will explode and provide a lot of fun for all.
______________________________________________
I advocate people downloading music for free on the internet because those programmers work HARD to write the ripping/burning software and they have families to support - where's your compassion?
______________________________________________
Historical Blogs I'd like to see:
Leonardo Da Vinci Blog:
Jan 19, 1503: "I can't afford to pay for a real model - but the ho next door - the one whose husband makes her moan all night - Lisa - has volunteered"
Jan 20, 1503: "The painting is coming around - and the ho - Lisa - is doing great - I am going to call this painting "The Moaner: Lisa" - and hope they won't make me change it or change the name itself in the future.
______________________________________________
Have you ever ran face-first into a huge spider web while in the woods? I can't help but think a spider on that web (if he lives) - will spend the rest of his life telling other spiders how he saw "the face of God" and it destroyed his home.
______________________________________________
The best part of being in a head hunting jungle tribe is probably when they get up in the morning and yell to the entire family: "I'm outta here - I gotta go out and get me some head!"
______________________________________________
Monkey tip for guys: If you want to get laid - the next time you're in the shower and find one of her long hairs - place it on the shower wall so it sticks and move it around with your finger to form a heart shape - then tell her there's a message from you in the shower and that you love her. I did this - it's huge points! (DO NOT use your own pubic hairs and spell out "Me and you - tonight!" - it's impressive and thoughtful but women wouldn't be impressed)
______________________________________________
When I was a kid not ONLY would we have laughed another kid out of town if he put on a HELMET to ride his bike, but we had chains that would come off when we were going down hills at 53.4 MPH and when the chain went - no brakes - we'd simply crash into someone's yard or car. It built character.
______________________________________________
Monkey's Too Much Info: If I get a hair stuck in my mouth/teeth from going South - I leave it in my mouth for a while - as a reminder that there are guys out there who aren't allowed this fun activity and to remind myself how lucky I am.
______________________________________________
I think if you were doing time in prison and you tried to get some guys together in the exercise yard for a fun game of hopscotch you'd probably not be very popular - you'd best wait until you were released before playing again. You could point out to the guys in the yard that all you really need to play is a piece of chalk and it's hours of fun but somehow I don't think they'd be interested.
|
______________________________________________
Have you noticed that the word "shampoo" doesn't get any shorter? For instance, many people call a refrigerator a "'fridge" - but no body ever says "I need a bottle of 'poo for my hair"
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "i just smoked a bowl, and went and dug out of the tub of cookie dough with my bare hands. i hope i inspire people.."
(Oh you've inspired me!! - Monkey)
______________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Bi-Polar" (R) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
______________________________________
I've never cared much for hunting - and now, living in Montana - I feel out of place sometimes. Some guy at the gas station will come up to me and say "Did you get a buck yet this year?" And I'll say - "Well, no, but I found 49 cents the other day under the dryer". They practically run away.
______________________________________________
Things I learned in my four years as a Boy Scout of America; Cigarettes & weed can best be transported to camping trips in the bottom of a rolled up sleeping bag. Tents are very flammable. A can of Right Guard deodorant, when thrown into a fire - will explode and provide a lot of fun for all.
______________________________________________
I advocate people downloading music for free on the internet because those programmers work HARD to write the ripping/burning software and they have families to support - where's your compassion?
______________________________________________
Historical Blogs I'd like to see:
Leonardo Da Vinci Blog:
Jan 19, 1503: "I can't afford to pay for a real model - but the ho next door - the one whose husband makes her moan all night - Lisa - has volunteered"
Jan 20, 1503: "The painting is coming around - and the ho - Lisa - is doing great - I am going to call this painting "The Moaner: Lisa" - and hope they won't make me change it or change the name itself in the future.
______________________________________________
Have you ever ran face-first into a huge spider web while in the woods? I can't help but think a spider on that web (if he lives) - will spend the rest of his life telling other spiders how he saw "the face of God" and it destroyed his home.
______________________________________________
The best part of being in a head hunting jungle tribe is probably when they get up in the morning and yell to the entire family: "I'm outta here - I gotta go out and get me some head!"
______________________________________________
Monkey tip for guys: If you want to get laid - the next time you're in the shower and find one of her long hairs - place it on the shower wall so it sticks and move it around with your finger to form a heart shape - then tell her there's a message from you in the shower and that you love her. I did this - it's huge points! (DO NOT use your own pubic hairs and spell out "Me and you - tonight!" - it's impressive and thoughtful but women wouldn't be impressed)
______________________________________________
When I was a kid not ONLY would we have laughed another kid out of town if he put on a HELMET to ride his bike, but we had chains that would come off when we were going down hills at 53.4 MPH and when the chain went - no brakes - we'd simply crash into someone's yard or car. It built character.
______________________________________________
Monkey's Too Much Info: If I get a hair stuck in my mouth/teeth from going South - I leave it in my mouth for a while - as a reminder that there are guys out there who aren't allowed this fun activity and to remind myself how lucky I am.
______________________________________________
I think if you were doing time in prison and you tried to get some guys together in the exercise yard for a fun game of hopscotch you'd probably not be very popular - you'd best wait until you were released before playing again. You could point out to the guys in the yard that all you really need to play is a piece of chalk and it's hours of fun but somehow I don't think they'd be interested.
They call today January the twelth, the year: 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to Chuck "Bayonne Bleeder" Wepner - the man who went 15 rounds with Muhammad Ali in '75, the man who was the inspiration for the book and later the movie(s) "Rocky" (mostly new stuff today but a sprinkle of some oldies)
______________________________________________
You kids nowadays - spoiled: So many houses have dimmer switches on the lights these days - but when I was a kid by golly we didn't have these fancy-smancy dimmer switches - if we wanted it dim by golly we had to squint our eyes or get really stoned.
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " When I'm having sex with my girlfriend I like to yell: Lightning Bolt, Lightning Bolt, LIGHTNING BOLT!!! This is normal right? "
(Of COURSE! Don't we all do that!? - Monkey)
______________________________________________
In the shower this morning I looked at the multitude of my wife's "stuff" in there - there's a tube of "Warm Vanilla Sugar Body Wash"! Wow - that sounds like something I should be in there licking off of her when she puts it on! After seeing this, the rest of my shower I found myself singing "Pour some warm vanilla sugar on me" (Def Leppard)
______________________________________________
Speaking of showers - is there nothing worse than reaching for the soap and finding some jerk (probably yourself) left only a tiny sliver of soap and didn't put a new bar in there!? You then have to get out of the shower, freezing your ass off, soak 'n' wet, and go hunt down more soap. You find there is none, so you jump back in the shower and use the sliver and the cycle starts over again for the next person getting in the shower. Will this never end!?
______________________________________________
If I were a lumberjack before I cut down each tree I would say to it "Let me AXE you something"
______________________________________________
Blogs in history: Attica Prison blog:
September 9, 1971: "Same ol' thing today - boring day - hope tomorrow's better"
September 10, 1971: "Today was a riot!!"
______________________________________________
I've decided if I'm ever shot I'm going to scream over and over again: "I'M HIT! I'M HIT!" I'll scream this in the ambulance, in the emergency room, everywhere - because it's not every day you get to scream "I'M HIT!" and I'm going to take advantage of it. (I may also start yelling "MEDIC!")
______________________________________________
Fun with my Mother-In-Law: She'll go into an instant panic if she notices her car's gas level is at HALF or below - "We MUST get gas NOW!" she'll scream "You've GOT to pull into the next filling station!" (Yep she still calls them "filling stations")
______________________________________________
A Leed for a Spleet:
The other morning at Dairy Queen I got a banana split:
Drive-through intercom: "Would jew like a leed for the spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive-through guy: "Jew want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A...leed?"
Drive through guy: "Jew want a COVER to put on the banana spleet you order!?"
Me; "OH! No, no thanks - no leed for it"
______________________________________________
If I were 80 years old I would pretend I didn't know things had changed and I'd pull into a Texaco and honk my horn until the attendant came out and I'd yell "Say...fill 'er up, check the fluids, and get the windows please!"
______________________________________________
I feel sorry for fish and their sex lives. Can you imagine if we had to do it like that? You come home from work and your wife has left a note - "Time for sex - I've spawned again - the eggs are in the bed under the comforter - gone shopping - back later - please fertilize eggs and put them in the 'fridge"
______________________________________________
Monkey Observation #272: Have you ever noticed in the old west movies when someone's to be hung they always get to work building a gallows? Can't they just build a permanent one instead of all this work every time there's a hangin'!?
______________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: "Possum Blog" - I believe the blog of a possum would be something like this:
Jan 02, 2005: BARELY made it across the highway last night - Uncle Jim and his friend weren't so lucky I hear.
Jan 03, 2005: This morning we found Aunt Lucy, Carl, my neighbor's son, and my Uncle Ted. SLOW DOWN PEOPLE!
Jan 04, 2005: The body count rises - last night we lost Fritz and two of his children, my neighbor Lisa and her best friend, and I think I saw my Aunt Linda's body with 2 of her babies.
|
______________________________________________
You kids nowadays - spoiled: So many houses have dimmer switches on the lights these days - but when I was a kid by golly we didn't have these fancy-smancy dimmer switches - if we wanted it dim by golly we had to squint our eyes or get really stoned.
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " When I'm having sex with my girlfriend I like to yell: Lightning Bolt, Lightning Bolt, LIGHTNING BOLT!!! This is normal right? "
(Of COURSE! Don't we all do that!? - Monkey)
______________________________________________
In the shower this morning I looked at the multitude of my wife's "stuff" in there - there's a tube of "Warm Vanilla Sugar Body Wash"! Wow - that sounds like something I should be in there licking off of her when she puts it on! After seeing this, the rest of my shower I found myself singing "Pour some warm vanilla sugar on me" (Def Leppard)
______________________________________________
Speaking of showers - is there nothing worse than reaching for the soap and finding some jerk (probably yourself) left only a tiny sliver of soap and didn't put a new bar in there!? You then have to get out of the shower, freezing your ass off, soak 'n' wet, and go hunt down more soap. You find there is none, so you jump back in the shower and use the sliver and the cycle starts over again for the next person getting in the shower. Will this never end!?
______________________________________________
If I were a lumberjack before I cut down each tree I would say to it "Let me AXE you something"
______________________________________________
Blogs in history: Attica Prison blog:
September 9, 1971: "Same ol' thing today - boring day - hope tomorrow's better"
September 10, 1971: "Today was a riot!!"
______________________________________________
I've decided if I'm ever shot I'm going to scream over and over again: "I'M HIT! I'M HIT!" I'll scream this in the ambulance, in the emergency room, everywhere - because it's not every day you get to scream "I'M HIT!" and I'm going to take advantage of it. (I may also start yelling "MEDIC!")
______________________________________________
Fun with my Mother-In-Law: She'll go into an instant panic if she notices her car's gas level is at HALF or below - "We MUST get gas NOW!" she'll scream "You've GOT to pull into the next filling station!" (Yep she still calls them "filling stations")
______________________________________________
A Leed for a Spleet:
The other morning at Dairy Queen I got a banana split:
Drive-through intercom: "Would jew like a leed for the spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive-through guy: "Jew want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A...leed?"
Drive through guy: "Jew want a COVER to put on the banana spleet you order!?"
Me; "OH! No, no thanks - no leed for it"
______________________________________________
If I were 80 years old I would pretend I didn't know things had changed and I'd pull into a Texaco and honk my horn until the attendant came out and I'd yell "Say...fill 'er up, check the fluids, and get the windows please!"
______________________________________________
I feel sorry for fish and their sex lives. Can you imagine if we had to do it like that? You come home from work and your wife has left a note - "Time for sex - I've spawned again - the eggs are in the bed under the comforter - gone shopping - back later - please fertilize eggs and put them in the 'fridge"
______________________________________________
Monkey Observation #272: Have you ever noticed in the old west movies when someone's to be hung they always get to work building a gallows? Can't they just build a permanent one instead of all this work every time there's a hangin'!?
______________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: "Possum Blog" - I believe the blog of a possum would be something like this:
Jan 02, 2005: BARELY made it across the highway last night - Uncle Jim and his friend weren't so lucky I hear.
Jan 03, 2005: This morning we found Aunt Lucy, Carl, my neighbor's son, and my Uncle Ted. SLOW DOWN PEOPLE!
Jan 04, 2005: The body count rises - last night we lost Fritz and two of his children, my neighbor Lisa and her best friend, and I think I saw my Aunt Linda's body with 2 of her babies.
They're calling today January the tenth, 2005
Today's blog is dedicated to Gumby & Pokey.
______________________________________________
We talk a lot about people that live in glass houses - but I've NEVER known anyone who's actually lived in one.
______________________________________________
A tough part of being in the American Civil War that most people probably don't think of is that if you were a yankee and assigned a nice blue uniform and you didn't wash it and care for it properly it may start to turn dingy and GRAY and then one of your own friends may accidently shoot yer yellow-bellied Johnny-Reb ass.
______________________________________________
Monkey Prediction: It won't be long before we'll have actual smoking or non-smoking STATES - you'll see "Welcome to.." state signs on the highway and they'll read something like: "Welcome to Colorado - no smoking"
______________________________________________
Way back in the day when men shot iron balls out of their guns and cannons instead of bullets you'd have a hard time sounding tough when you threatened someone if you just said "You will be tasting my balls you bastard!" The other fellow would probably start giggling. Or "If you don't get away from me you're gonna be feeling my cold balls!" I'll bet a lot of guys were happy when they switched to bullets instead of balls so we could sound tougher and cut out the giggling.
______________________________________________
I've seen enough prison and chain-chain movies to know if I ever get put on chain gang duty along a hot mississippi highway I'm going to ask the boss if I can be assigned the Black & Decker "Leaf Hog" Leaf Blower instead of one of those slingblades.
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "my fantasies are totally evil. i want a priest to fuck me on an altar, candles lit, night-time. different strokes i guess. hot. "
(What you didn't go to a Catholic school when you were younger dude? - Monkey)
______________________________________________
I can't bring myself to build a snowman here in Montana - it'd be like a guy who lives on the beach going out and building a sand castle - it just doesn't seem right.
______________________________________________
I don't think when guys are having cyber-sex they want to hear things like this:
One-handed typing guy: "So - are you hot? What are you wearing right now?"
Lady: "I'm wearing a beautiful print dress with a V-neckline, sleeves with cuffs, that I got at JC Penney at their 90% off sale over at Woodbridge Mall. I was first looking through their half-off rack and there was an absolutely gorgeous red dress but I don't have any shoes that go with that unless I went over to their shoe department and I was rushed for time - I do have a pair of red pumps what would've been perfect but they're just a little too dark - so I go with the 90% off print dress - the saleslady said next week they were getting in some more lovely winter outfits but the sale ends January 20th on that..."
______________________________________________
I go to feed the birds out there in the Montana snow but they won't come to me when I call them so they get NOTHING!
______________________________________________
When my teenaged son has his girlfriends over to watch a movie I make sure to push our old "amazing farting dog" in there with them - I stand back and wait and I can hear the girls in there gagging and almost puking and my son gets really mad at me and asks me to come get the dog. The fun in this house never ends I tell ya!
______________________________________________
I've said it before and I'll say it again - as I get older I am simply flabberghasted by what I learn about women! They're the most incredible creatures on this planet - compared to us men, mentally they make us look like blubbering idiots. They know things and see things and FEEL things we're not even close to being able to understand - especially when it comes to each other - their minds operate on levels we men could never experience. I've only begin to even notice (or care) about this in the last 5 years or so - before that women were just beautiful things to LOOK at for me - and they still are - but only now am I beginning to understand the highly complex and beautiful female MIND as well and it's a lot of fun, mysterious and wondrous.
______________________________________________
You'd have to be careful if you were an old west gunfighter. For instance if you're having a showdown in main street and you're both standing there ready to draw, and you saw your dad back there in the crowd - you'd not want to yell "Paw!" because it sounds a lot like "Draw!"
______________________________________________
How come when I was a kid all my friends had those posters of Farrah Fawcett on their bedroom walls and there were mysterious stains on the poster?
______________________________________________
I think those CSI folks would be pretty pissed off if you left your hand prints all over a murder scene as well as hair and semen and saliva and blood and your business card and email address - they've got a show to do and dammit you can't solve the case in the first 5 minutes!
______________________________________________
Speaking of the Old West - in saloons the bartender always asks "What'll it be?" to the cowboys and the cowboys ALWAYS say "A shot of whiskey pard'ner" - have you ever seen them order anything else!? Why did the bartenders always ask?
______________________________________________
Monkey Quote of the Day: "A perfect marriage is one in which one of the couple loves the burned or uncooked popcorn kernels and together they can finish the whole bowl of popcorn when they watch a movie together" (awww!)
______________________________________________
Have you EVER seen a cat's skeleton way up in a tree? NO - so will you people that climb trees to "rescue" cats cut that shit out? Cats don't need us - stop thinking you're here for your cat - it's the other way around.
|
______________________________________________
We talk a lot about people that live in glass houses - but I've NEVER known anyone who's actually lived in one.
______________________________________________
A tough part of being in the American Civil War that most people probably don't think of is that if you were a yankee and assigned a nice blue uniform and you didn't wash it and care for it properly it may start to turn dingy and GRAY and then one of your own friends may accidently shoot yer yellow-bellied Johnny-Reb ass.
______________________________________________
Monkey Prediction: It won't be long before we'll have actual smoking or non-smoking STATES - you'll see "Welcome to.." state signs on the highway and they'll read something like: "Welcome to Colorado - no smoking"
______________________________________________
Way back in the day when men shot iron balls out of their guns and cannons instead of bullets you'd have a hard time sounding tough when you threatened someone if you just said "You will be tasting my balls you bastard!" The other fellow would probably start giggling. Or "If you don't get away from me you're gonna be feeling my cold balls!" I'll bet a lot of guys were happy when they switched to bullets instead of balls so we could sound tougher and cut out the giggling.
______________________________________________
I've seen enough prison and chain-chain movies to know if I ever get put on chain gang duty along a hot mississippi highway I'm going to ask the boss if I can be assigned the Black & Decker "Leaf Hog" Leaf Blower instead of one of those slingblades.
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "my fantasies are totally evil. i want a priest to fuck me on an altar, candles lit, night-time. different strokes i guess. hot. "
(What you didn't go to a Catholic school when you were younger dude? - Monkey)
______________________________________________
I can't bring myself to build a snowman here in Montana - it'd be like a guy who lives on the beach going out and building a sand castle - it just doesn't seem right.
______________________________________________
I don't think when guys are having cyber-sex they want to hear things like this:
One-handed typing guy: "So - are you hot? What are you wearing right now?"
Lady: "I'm wearing a beautiful print dress with a V-neckline, sleeves with cuffs, that I got at JC Penney at their 90% off sale over at Woodbridge Mall. I was first looking through their half-off rack and there was an absolutely gorgeous red dress but I don't have any shoes that go with that unless I went over to their shoe department and I was rushed for time - I do have a pair of red pumps what would've been perfect but they're just a little too dark - so I go with the 90% off print dress - the saleslady said next week they were getting in some more lovely winter outfits but the sale ends January 20th on that..."
______________________________________________
I go to feed the birds out there in the Montana snow but they won't come to me when I call them so they get NOTHING!
______________________________________________
When my teenaged son has his girlfriends over to watch a movie I make sure to push our old "amazing farting dog" in there with them - I stand back and wait and I can hear the girls in there gagging and almost puking and my son gets really mad at me and asks me to come get the dog. The fun in this house never ends I tell ya!
______________________________________________
I've said it before and I'll say it again - as I get older I am simply flabberghasted by what I learn about women! They're the most incredible creatures on this planet - compared to us men, mentally they make us look like blubbering idiots. They know things and see things and FEEL things we're not even close to being able to understand - especially when it comes to each other - their minds operate on levels we men could never experience. I've only begin to even notice (or care) about this in the last 5 years or so - before that women were just beautiful things to LOOK at for me - and they still are - but only now am I beginning to understand the highly complex and beautiful female MIND as well and it's a lot of fun, mysterious and wondrous.
______________________________________________
You'd have to be careful if you were an old west gunfighter. For instance if you're having a showdown in main street and you're both standing there ready to draw, and you saw your dad back there in the crowd - you'd not want to yell "Paw!" because it sounds a lot like "Draw!"
______________________________________________
How come when I was a kid all my friends had those posters of Farrah Fawcett on their bedroom walls and there were mysterious stains on the poster?
______________________________________________
I think those CSI folks would be pretty pissed off if you left your hand prints all over a murder scene as well as hair and semen and saliva and blood and your business card and email address - they've got a show to do and dammit you can't solve the case in the first 5 minutes!
______________________________________________
Speaking of the Old West - in saloons the bartender always asks "What'll it be?" to the cowboys and the cowboys ALWAYS say "A shot of whiskey pard'ner" - have you ever seen them order anything else!? Why did the bartenders always ask?
______________________________________________
Monkey Quote of the Day: "A perfect marriage is one in which one of the couple loves the burned or uncooked popcorn kernels and together they can finish the whole bowl of popcorn when they watch a movie together" (awww!)
______________________________________________
Have you EVER seen a cat's skeleton way up in a tree? NO - so will you people that climb trees to "rescue" cats cut that shit out? Cats don't need us - stop thinking you're here for your cat - it's the other way around.
January eighth, two thousand and 5
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of W.C. Fields - a legend to the Monkey. Thanks to all of you who voted and continue to vote for my blog - the top three are WAY up ahead of my blog in votes - but the votes my blog got are very special to me - very. Thank you all so much! I love you.
______________________________________________
You know when you go to the optometrist and they put you in that chair and lower that big contraption down over your eyes and you read the letters over on the wall? "Better or worse?" "Is number 2 better or this one?", etc. I'm going to order one of those - and wear it! Sure I'll look stupid with that thing on my face and it'll be heavy at first - but I'll never have to get a new prescription - I just simply flip that dial and move to the next lens!
______________________________________________
Monkey's Too Much Info: (MTMI): I love going down so much that I have to be pulled back up or I'll spend so long that my face and lips go numb and I can't even talk - but what's there to talk about anyway after doing that!?
______________________________________________
I'm a 40-year old freak now. I found myself today doing LAUNDRY and I was spraying Shout stain remover on a shirt, and if this isn't pathetic enough, I started singing Kiss's "Shout It Out Loud".
Don’t let ’em tell you that there’s too much noise They’re too old to really understand - You’ll still get rowdy with the girls and boys ’cause it’s time for you to take a stand, yeah, yeah Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud" Someone shoot me please in the back of the head Soprano style.
______________________________________________
My wife doesn't like it when I say "Please sit on my face" when we're in bed - "It's not romantic" - so please, can someone come up with a ROMANTIC way of saying "sit on my face" that I can use?
______________________________________________
If I ask for a Dr. Pepper to drink I get "I'm sorry - will Mr. Pibb do?" If I ask for a Coke I get "Will Pepsi be okay?" From now on - NO - I'm going to tell them "NO - Mr. Pibb is NOT a Dr. Pepper - you bring me a Dr. Pepper this INSTANT or I start tearing the place apart!" (and you don't EVEN want to know how a Monkey can tear apart an eating establishment.)
______________________________________________
What if you held a contest on your blog and said that the FOURTH commenter won a million dollars?
______________________________________________
Why do people stand around mothers who are giving birth and yell "PUSH! PUSH!"? The next birth I go to I'm going to try and break this tradition and yell "PULL! PULL!". Another thing women appreciate is when they're pushing and moaning and crying and screaming while having a baby is to yell "Quit being a big baby it's not that bad! You're a woman - this is your JOB so stop being a drama queen!"
______________________________________________
Cool thing about being a guy #219: I could give a damn what color my socks and underwear are - so I can wash ALL my clothes in the same load
______________________________________________
Speaking of underwear - how come we always use MY underwear to clean up messes we make in our bed when we have fun? How come we can't use her panties - they're over on the floor too - grab those dammit!
______________________________________________
Monkey Idea of the Day: Go trick or treating - TONIGHT - sure it's not Halloween - that's the point fool! You'll have such fun and people will laugh and laugh and I guaran-dam-tee they'll FIND you some candy for being so funny and different! Let me know how it goes!
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I still love my ex and I love my current girlfriend but my ex gave great head and i want to fuck her."
(If she gave great head why would she EVER be your ex - you don't gamble on trying to find that again! - Monkey)
______________________________________________
Monkey Tip of the Day: The next time your wife/gf walks in and busts you with a screen full of porn on your monitor - just look very angry and yell "DAMNED POP-UPS!!!" and close the window. Another one that works is to yell "Fuckin' spammers!" and close the window quickly.
|
______________________________________________
You know when you go to the optometrist and they put you in that chair and lower that big contraption down over your eyes and you read the letters over on the wall? "Better or worse?" "Is number 2 better or this one?", etc. I'm going to order one of those - and wear it! Sure I'll look stupid with that thing on my face and it'll be heavy at first - but I'll never have to get a new prescription - I just simply flip that dial and move to the next lens!
______________________________________________
Monkey's Too Much Info: (MTMI): I love going down so much that I have to be pulled back up or I'll spend so long that my face and lips go numb and I can't even talk - but what's there to talk about anyway after doing that!?
______________________________________________
I'm a 40-year old freak now. I found myself today doing LAUNDRY and I was spraying Shout stain remover on a shirt, and if this isn't pathetic enough, I started singing Kiss's "Shout It Out Loud".
Don’t let ’em tell you that there’s too much noise They’re too old to really understand - You’ll still get rowdy with the girls and boys ’cause it’s time for you to take a stand, yeah, yeah Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud" Someone shoot me please in the back of the head Soprano style.
______________________________________________
My wife doesn't like it when I say "Please sit on my face" when we're in bed - "It's not romantic" - so please, can someone come up with a ROMANTIC way of saying "sit on my face" that I can use?
______________________________________________
If I ask for a Dr. Pepper to drink I get "I'm sorry - will Mr. Pibb do?" If I ask for a Coke I get "Will Pepsi be okay?" From now on - NO - I'm going to tell them "NO - Mr. Pibb is NOT a Dr. Pepper - you bring me a Dr. Pepper this INSTANT or I start tearing the place apart!" (and you don't EVEN want to know how a Monkey can tear apart an eating establishment.)
______________________________________________
What if you held a contest on your blog and said that the FOURTH commenter won a million dollars?
______________________________________________
Why do people stand around mothers who are giving birth and yell "PUSH! PUSH!"? The next birth I go to I'm going to try and break this tradition and yell "PULL! PULL!". Another thing women appreciate is when they're pushing and moaning and crying and screaming while having a baby is to yell "Quit being a big baby it's not that bad! You're a woman - this is your JOB so stop being a drama queen!"
______________________________________________
Cool thing about being a guy #219: I could give a damn what color my socks and underwear are - so I can wash ALL my clothes in the same load
______________________________________________
Speaking of underwear - how come we always use MY underwear to clean up messes we make in our bed when we have fun? How come we can't use her panties - they're over on the floor too - grab those dammit!
______________________________________________
Monkey Idea of the Day: Go trick or treating - TONIGHT - sure it's not Halloween - that's the point fool! You'll have such fun and people will laugh and laugh and I guaran-dam-tee they'll FIND you some candy for being so funny and different! Let me know how it goes!
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I still love my ex and I love my current girlfriend but my ex gave great head and i want to fuck her."
(If she gave great head why would she EVER be your ex - you don't gamble on trying to find that again! - Monkey)
______________________________________________
Monkey Tip of the Day: The next time your wife/gf walks in and busts you with a screen full of porn on your monitor - just look very angry and yell "DAMNED POP-UPS!!!" and close the window. Another one that works is to yell "Fuckin' spammers!" and close the window quickly.
They call today January seventh, two-thousand and cinco
Today's blog is dedicated to all of you people battling Cancer and your families - the devastation caused by Cancer is just unbelievable. Mostly new stuff today but a few oldies for fun.
______________________________________________
Good thing we don't really do to our asses all the things we talk about doing to our asses - it's non-stop abuse; "I'll kick your ass", "this burns my ass up", "I worked my ass off", "My ass is tired", "I froze my ass off", "His ass was fired". I say we stop being so rough on our asses.
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I'm a Canadian girl on the internet."
(This has to rank as one of the most shocking confessions I've ever read at grouphug! - Monkey)
______________________________________________
The family was speaking of last Wills tonight - I told them I wasn't going to leave money or possessions to them, instead, I was going to leave CHORES for everyone. Example: "My dear son, I love you, please vacuum the living room, to my dear son #2, please clean the dog's water bowl and empt the dishwasher, to my dearest wife - wipe that smile off your face and would you please pay the Visa bill?" And then my son says "I'm going to call my Will my 'last will and TESTICLE instead of Last Will and Testament'" What!? Why does he always have to be SILLY when we're having a serious conversation!?
______________________________________________
I saw a funny sign at a pool once - it read "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it, we like to keep it that way"
______________________________________________
I'm thinking that back in the day, when they were scared to death of witches, that it's a good thing cameras weren't around. You see there are people out there who ALWAYS have that "red eye" in photographs and back then I'm sure if you had the red-eye in photos you were possessed and they burned your satanic red-eye ass on the stake. (There isn't a photo in existence of my brother in which his eyes aren't glowing like Lucifer's)
______________________________________________
Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.
______________________________________________
It never fails - when some disgruntled employee comes into an office with a gun blazing away at folks, later someone always says "I heard a popping sound - I thought it was just firecrackers" Why don't I ever get to work at places so exciting and fun that the sound of firecrackers down the hall seems routine!?
______________________________________________
I'd guess that sending donations of your gmail invites over to SE Asia is probably not what they're needing over there right now?
______________________________________________
Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Moon-Beam Productions" - An ultra-powerful laser sends beams of laser light to the MOON. Yep - it was only a matter of time before you looked up and saw "DRINK COCA-COLA" or a Viagra ad on the face of the moon - right? Now to get on your very LAST nerve, Monkey Labs, Inc., has created moon advertising. Your ad will be seen by BILLIONS around the world each night. (Batteries sold separately)
______________________________________________
You'd have to be an ex-Navy person to know all the US Navy acronyms - for instance - did you know that an "LBFM" is a filipino woman or girl? Yep - Little Brown Fucking Machine.
______________________________________________
Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Hardee Har-Har" (PG-13) - Sure you see the cashiers and the "up-front" people at Hardees when they take your order, but did you ever wonder what goes on back there in the back of Hardees? You can just make out employees back there - but what are they doing? This documentary/movie explores the side of Hardees never before seen. (2hrs, 4 min - Graphic violence, rape, drug use, profanity, nudity, adult situations, sodomy)
______________________________________________
Will someone please tell my Mother-In-Law that it's entirely possible for a person to NOT get the flu shot and actually LIVE?
______________________________________________
If they're going to charge us billions of dollars for ink cartridges for our printers - I'm thinking maybe the stores should offer some sort of financing plan or a loan plan. I'm also thinking the next time I find out one of my kids has printed a 47-page Xbox game "game walk-thru" that he's gonna be walking through the back door with a suitcase in his hand.
______________________________________________
"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson 1971) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please someone put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens, I've got to know!
|
______________________________________________
Good thing we don't really do to our asses all the things we talk about doing to our asses - it's non-stop abuse; "I'll kick your ass", "this burns my ass up", "I worked my ass off", "My ass is tired", "I froze my ass off", "His ass was fired". I say we stop being so rough on our asses.
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I'm a Canadian girl on the internet."
(This has to rank as one of the most shocking confessions I've ever read at grouphug! - Monkey)
______________________________________________
The family was speaking of last Wills tonight - I told them I wasn't going to leave money or possessions to them, instead, I was going to leave CHORES for everyone. Example: "My dear son, I love you, please vacuum the living room, to my dear son #2, please clean the dog's water bowl and empt the dishwasher, to my dearest wife - wipe that smile off your face and would you please pay the Visa bill?" And then my son says "I'm going to call my Will my 'last will and TESTICLE instead of Last Will and Testament'" What!? Why does he always have to be SILLY when we're having a serious conversation!?
______________________________________________
I saw a funny sign at a pool once - it read "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it, we like to keep it that way"
______________________________________________
I'm thinking that back in the day, when they were scared to death of witches, that it's a good thing cameras weren't around. You see there are people out there who ALWAYS have that "red eye" in photographs and back then I'm sure if you had the red-eye in photos you were possessed and they burned your satanic red-eye ass on the stake. (There isn't a photo in existence of my brother in which his eyes aren't glowing like Lucifer's)
______________________________________________
Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.
______________________________________________
It never fails - when some disgruntled employee comes into an office with a gun blazing away at folks, later someone always says "I heard a popping sound - I thought it was just firecrackers" Why don't I ever get to work at places so exciting and fun that the sound of firecrackers down the hall seems routine!?
______________________________________________
I'd guess that sending donations of your gmail invites over to SE Asia is probably not what they're needing over there right now?
______________________________________________
Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Moon-Beam Productions" - An ultra-powerful laser sends beams of laser light to the MOON. Yep - it was only a matter of time before you looked up and saw "DRINK COCA-COLA" or a Viagra ad on the face of the moon - right? Now to get on your very LAST nerve, Monkey Labs, Inc., has created moon advertising. Your ad will be seen by BILLIONS around the world each night. (Batteries sold separately)
______________________________________________
You'd have to be an ex-Navy person to know all the US Navy acronyms - for instance - did you know that an "LBFM" is a filipino woman or girl? Yep - Little Brown Fucking Machine.
______________________________________________
Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Hardee Har-Har" (PG-13) - Sure you see the cashiers and the "up-front" people at Hardees when they take your order, but did you ever wonder what goes on back there in the back of Hardees? You can just make out employees back there - but what are they doing? This documentary/movie explores the side of Hardees never before seen. (2hrs, 4 min - Graphic violence, rape, drug use, profanity, nudity, adult situations, sodomy)
______________________________________________
Will someone please tell my Mother-In-Law that it's entirely possible for a person to NOT get the flu shot and actually LIVE?
______________________________________________
If they're going to charge us billions of dollars for ink cartridges for our printers - I'm thinking maybe the stores should offer some sort of financing plan or a loan plan. I'm also thinking the next time I find out one of my kids has printed a 47-page Xbox game "game walk-thru" that he's gonna be walking through the back door with a suitcase in his hand.
______________________________________________
"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson 1971) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please someone put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens, I've got to know!
WOW! It's January the fifth, 2-thousand and 5!
Today's blog is dedicated to Ted Nugent - a childhood hero of mine who had me singing about sweet poon tang before I even knew how sweet it really was! Thanks to all who continue to vote for my blog - it means a lot to me that you think that much of my "work".
______________________________________________
You know how to not fold, spindle or mutilate - but if someone told you that you HAD to spindle something would you even know where to begin?
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "once i peed off of my balcony and it landed on a women down below, and she looked up and i was naked then i yelled out CHINESE SAUSAGE and ran away and pleasured myself in the bathroom from the experience"
(That was no woman! That was ME! And I WILL find you - you bastard!! - Monkey)
______________________________________________
Monkey Quote of the Day: "You guys who have little ones and lie about it and claim to have big ones make things bad on us guys who really DO have big ones - for we with big ones don't NEED to brag in the first place but if we ever DID want to brag you little ones men have already messed things up for us big ones men."
______________________________________________
I think more women should have fun with their food and drink - why can't you women "accidently" let a little milk roll off your lips and down your chin a little more? You can say "Whoopsy-Daisy" when you do it!
______________________________________________
My dog makes drinking from the toilet look like SO much fun I'm tempted to try it (but if I do I won't blog about it so move along nothing to see here people keep moving)
______________________________________________
People that need to be pimp-slapped: You people who put those java-pop-up messages on your blogs - I close that stupid pop-up and then I close your blog forever.
______________________________________________
Monkey's "Reality Show" ideas:
A) We put 14 people in a house, cameras rolling, each night one of them must sneak out of bed and kill anyone they choose. Never mind this "voting off" stuff - they're to be KILLED OFF!
2) A man gets "oral pleasures" at night, he can't see who it is or touch - in the morning he must pick from a line-up of 3 women which one it was - one of which is his girlfriend/wife. The same goes for the wife/girlfriend - she must pick in the morning who was going down on her.
______________________________________________
Remember when we were kids and a "firewall" was part of a car?
______________________________________________
The son thought he'd be the coolest fool in school coming back from Christmas vacation with a "Vote For Pedro" tee-shirt we got him. Poor thing gets to school and there's another kid wearing the same shirt (it's a small school) - so my son had to wear his sweatshirt all day and hide his new shirt - he says people would think he and that other guy were FAGS if they saw it. (to make him feel better I told him I thought he was a fag anyway)
______________________________________________
I think if you bottled your water from your bathroom sink and put a really cool-looking label on it with a catchy name and put VERY fine print somewhere on the label: "from Monkey's bathroom tap" you'd STILL make a LOT of money
______________________________________________
Have you ever read a blog entry you swear you've read somewhere before?
______________________________________________
Next year's New Year's resolution is to have learned all the words to "Auld Lang Syne" (The "New Year's Song" that everyone pretend-sings on New Year's Eve) - and I'll sing EVERY word and lyric clearly and give mean looks to those around me as if to say "YOU don't know the words!?"
______________________________________________
Monkey hobby/game: Finding wacky/fun Blogger blog names. Here's how I play - Blogger uses the format: "http://*****.blogspot.com" Simply think up something wacky and fill in the ****. Here's some I just found that are actual blogs: "stupidbitch", "fuckhead" (super interesting read BTW), "monkeycage", "tireiron", "bananahead", "bigstupididiot", "dirtbag", "douchebag" - it goes on and on. This hobby is ALMOST as mature as looking up dirty words in the dictonary
______________________________________________
Speaking of naming things - if a little GIRL names a kitten she'll name it things like "Fluffy" ("because he's fluffy") or "snowflake" ("because he's white"), or "Giggles" ("because he makes me laugh"). But if you ask a little BOY to name a kitten it'll be something like "Poop" ("Because...I don't know") or "Penis" ("because it's funny")
______________________________________________
I saw a sign in restaurant bathroom the other day "Employees must wash hand before returning to work" (it never said which hand - but just one of them is good enough I guess)
______________________________________________
Have you ever read a blog entry you swear you've read somewhere before?
______________________________________________
Police and CSI folks would probably fail to see the humor if you ran up into a murder scene - went right under the police "Do Not Cross" ribbon they put up - screaming "Billy! Oh my God NOOO!! BILLY!!!", and you yanked the official police blanket off the body's face and said "Oops! wrong person - sorry" - and kept on walking.
|
______________________________________________
You know how to not fold, spindle or mutilate - but if someone told you that you HAD to spindle something would you even know where to begin?
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "once i peed off of my balcony and it landed on a women down below, and she looked up and i was naked then i yelled out CHINESE SAUSAGE and ran away and pleasured myself in the bathroom from the experience"
(That was no woman! That was ME! And I WILL find you - you bastard!! - Monkey)
______________________________________________
Monkey Quote of the Day: "You guys who have little ones and lie about it and claim to have big ones make things bad on us guys who really DO have big ones - for we with big ones don't NEED to brag in the first place but if we ever DID want to brag you little ones men have already messed things up for us big ones men."
______________________________________________
I think more women should have fun with their food and drink - why can't you women "accidently" let a little milk roll off your lips and down your chin a little more? You can say "Whoopsy-Daisy" when you do it!
______________________________________________
My dog makes drinking from the toilet look like SO much fun I'm tempted to try it (but if I do I won't blog about it so move along nothing to see here people keep moving)
______________________________________________
People that need to be pimp-slapped: You people who put those java-pop-up messages on your blogs - I close that stupid pop-up and then I close your blog forever.
______________________________________________
Monkey's "Reality Show" ideas:
A) We put 14 people in a house, cameras rolling, each night one of them must sneak out of bed and kill anyone they choose. Never mind this "voting off" stuff - they're to be KILLED OFF!
2) A man gets "oral pleasures" at night, he can't see who it is or touch - in the morning he must pick from a line-up of 3 women which one it was - one of which is his girlfriend/wife. The same goes for the wife/girlfriend - she must pick in the morning who was going down on her.
______________________________________________
Remember when we were kids and a "firewall" was part of a car?
______________________________________________
The son thought he'd be the coolest fool in school coming back from Christmas vacation with a "Vote For Pedro" tee-shirt we got him. Poor thing gets to school and there's another kid wearing the same shirt (it's a small school) - so my son had to wear his sweatshirt all day and hide his new shirt - he says people would think he and that other guy were FAGS if they saw it. (to make him feel better I told him I thought he was a fag anyway)
______________________________________________
I think if you bottled your water from your bathroom sink and put a really cool-looking label on it with a catchy name and put VERY fine print somewhere on the label: "from Monkey's bathroom tap" you'd STILL make a LOT of money
______________________________________________
Have you ever read a blog entry you swear you've read somewhere before?
______________________________________________
Next year's New Year's resolution is to have learned all the words to "Auld Lang Syne" (The "New Year's Song" that everyone pretend-sings on New Year's Eve) - and I'll sing EVERY word and lyric clearly and give mean looks to those around me as if to say "YOU don't know the words!?"
______________________________________________
Monkey hobby/game: Finding wacky/fun Blogger blog names. Here's how I play - Blogger uses the format: "http://*****.blogspot.com" Simply think up something wacky and fill in the ****. Here's some I just found that are actual blogs: "stupidbitch", "fuckhead" (super interesting read BTW), "monkeycage", "tireiron", "bananahead", "bigstupididiot", "dirtbag", "douchebag" - it goes on and on. This hobby is ALMOST as mature as looking up dirty words in the dictonary
______________________________________________
Speaking of naming things - if a little GIRL names a kitten she'll name it things like "Fluffy" ("because he's fluffy") or "snowflake" ("because he's white"), or "Giggles" ("because he makes me laugh"). But if you ask a little BOY to name a kitten it'll be something like "Poop" ("Because...I don't know") or "Penis" ("because it's funny")
______________________________________________
I saw a sign in restaurant bathroom the other day "Employees must wash hand before returning to work" (it never said which hand - but just one of them is good enough I guess)
______________________________________________
Have you ever read a blog entry you swear you've read somewhere before?
______________________________________________
Police and CSI folks would probably fail to see the humor if you ran up into a murder scene - went right under the police "Do Not Cross" ribbon they put up - screaming "Billy! Oh my God NOOO!! BILLY!!!", and you yanked the official police blanket off the body's face and said "Oops! wrong person - sorry" - and kept on walking.
It must be January third, two-thousand & five.
Today's blog is dedicated to the guys that walk along the highways wearing orange vests, picking up litter and trash, doing their community service, doing their time. Today's sort of a "Best Of..." edition of the Monkey Cage, some of my favorites - including the hernia AND the butterbean story - in one post! (sorry long-time readers - but perhaps there's some old stuff you never saw) Thanks for all who have voted and continue to vote daily for my blog to win - and please DO go check out some of the other fine Humor Blog finalists - there's some gems there.
______________________________________________
My wife gets mad at me when we enter a restaurant and they ask "Smoking Preference?" - and I tell them "Marlboro Ultra Lights". She fails to see the humor in this, but is almost used to it. I'm just a big embarrassment to her and my entire family at times - but they love me.
______________________________________________
A lady I work with who's a bit on the strange side (Look who's talkin' huh?!) - she starts telling me how she can't lift things too well - says she has a hernia.
Trying to make conversation, I say: "Oh gosh that's too bad - is it a groin hernia?"
She tells me. "No - I have a hernia in my VAGINA"
I DID NOT need to HEAR that - I didn't need to KNOW that!!!! WHY!? Why tell the monkey this!?
______________________________________________
People who need to be pimp slapped - those little people that live in my house that call me "Dad" that will grab a CD-R, burn ONE song, put NO label on the thing, and leave it laying around by the computer as if it's blank. I WILL find you....
______________________________________________
Note to self: In stores, they don't call that part of the store "Bras and shit" - they call it "Intimate Apparel" - and it IS frowned upon to touch the mannequins' panty-clad asses no matter how much it seems so right.
______________________________________________
I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points - but there ARE actual rules and it really is some sort of strange "game".
______________________________________________
You've heard the calls at Wal-Mart over the intercom - "I need an associate in Gardening to call such-and-such" right? One day the Monkey heard one - the ultimate - I kid you not - "I need an associate in women's underwear to register seven please...an associate in women's underwear to register seven" I laughed until I stopped. Nobody around me in the store laughed (Why do I always laugh alone!?) - I think I"m the only one who "got" this.
______________________________________________
If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
______________________________________________
Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
______________________________________________
If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?"
______________________________________________
Monkey Quote of the Day: "A blog is something you don't mind thousands of people from around the globe reading. (as long as they're not in your family or you work with them or you're sleeping with them)
______________________________________________
I had a redneck friend growing up that had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean" - WHY did they call him Butterbean? Because he made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried sex errr...ummm...from the backside and he'd found a butterbean stuck on his thing afterwards...he was forever after known as "butterbean"
______________________________________________
Discuss amongst yourselves the old wise saying "if it smells like fish, eat all you wish. if it smells like cologne, leave it alone!" Discuss how this piece of advice could be true, or if you don't believe it - discuss how it's not true. Please show all of your work and double-space. 16,000 word minimum on this project.
______________________________________________
I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
______________________________________________
Word I miss hearing now that I no longer live down south: "gorilla" is pronounced: "GO-rilla"
______________________________________________
I went into a "hobby store" in the mall the other day - just passing some time waiting on my wife to shop for some clothes in another store - and there were about four young men behind the counter. They asked me if I needed help and I told no thanks - just passing some time. They went back to their conversation:
One fellow: "So are you going to do battle on friday?"
The other: "No - I'm not ready - and I won't battle until I get my armor"
another one: "What ARE you talking about dude!? You've got the invincible thirteen plus battle armor you won from that elf last week!"
The other: "I KNOW I do, but I am NOT ready to fight until I'm comfortable and I can take on any warriers we encounter"
The other fellow: "Dude, GROW UP man, if I had your armor I'd be fighting every week!"
It got to be too much at this point - I practically RAN out of the store so I didn't have to hear any more - they probably thought I was a shoplifter. (or maybe they thought I was a woodland elf warrior with invisable powers of 14-plus) I decided to walk around in Victoria's Secret down the way and be a perv.
|
______________________________________________
My wife gets mad at me when we enter a restaurant and they ask "Smoking Preference?" - and I tell them "Marlboro Ultra Lights". She fails to see the humor in this, but is almost used to it. I'm just a big embarrassment to her and my entire family at times - but they love me.
______________________________________________
A lady I work with who's a bit on the strange side (Look who's talkin' huh?!) - she starts telling me how she can't lift things too well - says she has a hernia.
Trying to make conversation, I say: "Oh gosh that's too bad - is it a groin hernia?"
She tells me. "No - I have a hernia in my VAGINA"
I DID NOT need to HEAR that - I didn't need to KNOW that!!!! WHY!? Why tell the monkey this!?
______________________________________________
People who need to be pimp slapped - those little people that live in my house that call me "Dad" that will grab a CD-R, burn ONE song, put NO label on the thing, and leave it laying around by the computer as if it's blank. I WILL find you....
______________________________________________
Note to self: In stores, they don't call that part of the store "Bras and shit" - they call it "Intimate Apparel" - and it IS frowned upon to touch the mannequins' panty-clad asses no matter how much it seems so right.
______________________________________________
I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points - but there ARE actual rules and it really is some sort of strange "game".
______________________________________________
You've heard the calls at Wal-Mart over the intercom - "I need an associate in Gardening to call such-and-such" right? One day the Monkey heard one - the ultimate - I kid you not - "I need an associate in women's underwear to register seven please...an associate in women's underwear to register seven" I laughed until I stopped. Nobody around me in the store laughed (Why do I always laugh alone!?) - I think I"m the only one who "got" this.
______________________________________________
If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
______________________________________________
Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
______________________________________________
If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?"
______________________________________________
Monkey Quote of the Day: "A blog is something you don't mind thousands of people from around the globe reading. (as long as they're not in your family or you work with them or you're sleeping with them)
______________________________________________
I had a redneck friend growing up that had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean" - WHY did they call him Butterbean? Because he made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried sex errr...ummm...from the backside and he'd found a butterbean stuck on his thing afterwards...he was forever after known as "butterbean"
______________________________________________
Discuss amongst yourselves the old wise saying "if it smells like fish, eat all you wish. if it smells like cologne, leave it alone!" Discuss how this piece of advice could be true, or if you don't believe it - discuss how it's not true. Please show all of your work and double-space. 16,000 word minimum on this project.
______________________________________________
I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
______________________________________________
Word I miss hearing now that I no longer live down south: "gorilla" is pronounced: "GO-rilla"
______________________________________________
I went into a "hobby store" in the mall the other day - just passing some time waiting on my wife to shop for some clothes in another store - and there were about four young men behind the counter. They asked me if I needed help and I told no thanks - just passing some time. They went back to their conversation:
One fellow: "So are you going to do battle on friday?"
The other: "No - I'm not ready - and I won't battle until I get my armor"
another one: "What ARE you talking about dude!? You've got the invincible thirteen plus battle armor you won from that elf last week!"
The other: "I KNOW I do, but I am NOT ready to fight until I'm comfortable and I can take on any warriers we encounter"
The other fellow: "Dude, GROW UP man, if I had your armor I'd be fighting every week!"
It got to be too much at this point - I practically RAN out of the store so I didn't have to hear any more - they probably thought I was a shoplifter. (or maybe they thought I was a woodland elf warrior with invisable powers of 14-plus) I decided to walk around in Victoria's Secret down the way and be a perv.
Sunday, January 2nd, two-thousand and 5
Today's blog is dedicated to "Bullet" - bullet was an egg-shaped vibrator owned by one of my readers and it gave her 4 months of lovin' and then just flat out died on her - she wore out his little heart (motor). Bullet went above and beyond in his duties, never complained, and to the very end he was right there in the thick of things doing what he did best. RIP Bullet. Bob Award Most Humorous Blog Finalist info: Thanks for all that continue to vote for my blog! (You can vote once a day) - please do check out the other 9 bloggers in this category - there's some hilarious, fun blogs out there I've enjoyed reading my competition for sure!
______________________________________________
If you know someone is dying and only has a few months to live - is it considered bad manners or tacky to ask them for a loan and you'll pay them back over the next five years?
______________________________________________
My wife's hand lotion keeps coming up missing and she'll find it in our teenaged son's bathroom - but his skin appears to be normal like he doesn't need hand lotion. He goes through a lot of tissues too - I'm really, really confused and worried - should we consult a dermatologist?
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us: " today...im going to get the BIG sandwich...its friday...and i deserve it.. not only am i going to get the BIG sandwich..im also going to get some god damn pasta salad! so fuck-all you bitches!!!!!!"
(You go on with yer big sammich eatin' bad self! -Monkey)
______________________________________________
Well it's now January 2nd, which means most people are back to smoking, eating unhealthy foods, having sex in highway rest areas, doing lines, shooting herion, smoking crack, pot, etc. But hey you DID last almost a day - good job - let's all do it again next New Year's okay? Resolutions are fun!
______________________________________________
My family is not amused when I roll down the car window and yell at the cows out in the pastures. They think I should just get over this habit - THEY say we're in Montana now and cows are everywhere and that when it's -12 degrees outside they don't LIKE my window down while I scream at the cows. My family is no fun.
______________________________________________
I like trying to change "traditions" - one I want changed is people wishing on falling or shooting stars - wishing on stars does nothing - what I want to happen is when we see a shooting star we must find the nearest female breasts and suckle them for two full minutes. Make sure to bite at the nipple with your lips - nibble ever-so gently with your teeth too - they love that - Let's get this tradition started - you can help! I don't care if you're with your grandmother and you're taking her to her bingo game and see a shooting star - let's get this thing going!
______________________________________________
The other day I went into Wal*Mart and there was not ONE screaming baby to be heard. I'm thinking of complaining to the management or going to a different Wal*Mart.
______________________________________________
Monkey Future Predictions: By the year 2014, all cars will have a built-in shopping cart that pops out of the back bumper - you pull up to a shopping center, press a button on your keychain, and there's your own personal cart. In the year 2040, a girl will be born in Arkansas with a vagina on her face and she'll talk from her crotch, no one will notice until 2051. In the year 2008, a real-life lesbian will be born in California - and she's actually drop-dead beautiful.
______________________________________________
My wife doesn't think that the little restaurant in the back of K-Mart is considered romantic dining. Go figure.
______________________________________________
You people that STILL have your huge satellite dish's out in your yard from the 1980's - maybe you were cool back in the '80's with a satellite dish mounted in your yard the size of a swimming pool - but it's OVER okay? However, I will come by and buy your dish from you - they make excellent cereal bowls!
______________________________________________
Montana has never been a big slave state I'm proud to say - did you know that to this day, along our highways you can still see signs that say "CHAIN REMOVAL AREA AHEAD" Montana didn't play that slavery thing.
______________________________________________
Long-time Monkey Cage Readers know that we like to play a game called "Three Items" - you go into any store at 2 AM and buy three of the strangest combinations of items you can imagine and pay for them with a straight face. Here's some more ideas:
1) A crowbar, some KY-Jelly and rubber gloves
B) A "Dog Fancy" magazine, some Vaseline, and a box of tissues
3) A can of Crisco, a huge sheet of plastic, and a cucumber
D) 3 grapes, needle & thread, and rubber gloves.
|
______________________________________________
If you know someone is dying and only has a few months to live - is it considered bad manners or tacky to ask them for a loan and you'll pay them back over the next five years?
______________________________________________
My wife's hand lotion keeps coming up missing and she'll find it in our teenaged son's bathroom - but his skin appears to be normal like he doesn't need hand lotion. He goes through a lot of tissues too - I'm really, really confused and worried - should we consult a dermatologist?
______________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us: " today...im going to get the BIG sandwich...its friday...and i deserve it.. not only am i going to get the BIG sandwich..im also going to get some god damn pasta salad! so fuck-all you bitches!!!!!!"
(You go on with yer big sammich eatin' bad self! -Monkey)
______________________________________________
Well it's now January 2nd, which means most people are back to smoking, eating unhealthy foods, having sex in highway rest areas, doing lines, shooting herion, smoking crack, pot, etc. But hey you DID last almost a day - good job - let's all do it again next New Year's okay? Resolutions are fun!
______________________________________________
My family is not amused when I roll down the car window and yell at the cows out in the pastures. They think I should just get over this habit - THEY say we're in Montana now and cows are everywhere and that when it's -12 degrees outside they don't LIKE my window down while I scream at the cows. My family is no fun.
______________________________________________
I like trying to change "traditions" - one I want changed is people wishing on falling or shooting stars - wishing on stars does nothing - what I want to happen is when we see a shooting star we must find the nearest female breasts and suckle them for two full minutes. Make sure to bite at the nipple with your lips - nibble ever-so gently with your teeth too - they love that - Let's get this tradition started - you can help! I don't care if you're with your grandmother and you're taking her to her bingo game and see a shooting star - let's get this thing going!
______________________________________________
The other day I went into Wal*Mart and there was not ONE screaming baby to be heard. I'm thinking of complaining to the management or going to a different Wal*Mart.
______________________________________________
Monkey Future Predictions: By the year 2014, all cars will have a built-in shopping cart that pops out of the back bumper - you pull up to a shopping center, press a button on your keychain, and there's your own personal cart. In the year 2040, a girl will be born in Arkansas with a vagina on her face and she'll talk from her crotch, no one will notice until 2051. In the year 2008, a real-life lesbian will be born in California - and she's actually drop-dead beautiful.
______________________________________________
My wife doesn't think that the little restaurant in the back of K-Mart is considered romantic dining. Go figure.
______________________________________________
You people that STILL have your huge satellite dish's out in your yard from the 1980's - maybe you were cool back in the '80's with a satellite dish mounted in your yard the size of a swimming pool - but it's OVER okay? However, I will come by and buy your dish from you - they make excellent cereal bowls!
______________________________________________
Montana has never been a big slave state I'm proud to say - did you know that to this day, along our highways you can still see signs that say "CHAIN REMOVAL AREA AHEAD" Montana didn't play that slavery thing.
______________________________________________
Long-time Monkey Cage Readers know that we like to play a game called "Three Items" - you go into any store at 2 AM and buy three of the strangest combinations of items you can imagine and pay for them with a straight face. Here's some more ideas:
1) A crowbar, some KY-Jelly and rubber gloves
B) A "Dog Fancy" magazine, some Vaseline, and a box of tissues
3) A can of Crisco, a huge sheet of plastic, and a cucumber
D) 3 grapes, needle & thread, and rubber gloves.
