HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!! May 2005 be the BEST year of your LIFE!!! Some new stuff today but lots of repeats in today's blog - but hey - what do you want on New Year's Eve - fresh material!? Come back in 2005! Hey see that button!? I'm a FINALIST for Most Humorous Blog in the 2004 Blog (BoB) Awards!! You don't know how happy this makes me and how proud I am and I owe it to YOU - my readers - all of you. Even if I don't get the votes to win dammit I'm just thrilled that I was not only nominated but made the finals. (I hadn't been keeping up with any of those blog awards so this was a huge surprise for me! If you want to vote I guess I better find out how you do that - I've been caught off guard.
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I wonder if Sherb Noble, the founder of Dairy Queen, used to wonder why his milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard?
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I think if you were a rapper and you drove a green 1976 Ford Pinto you might be laughed at.
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Stupid Things the Monkey has said #231: One day at lunch I decided to visit a "24-Hour Fitness Center" near my office - thinking I could pump some iron at lunchtime. The young dude gave me the tour around the place - and we sat down at his desk - the first question I asked - "What are your hours?" (duh!)
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I wonder if you were on a prison chain-gang, but your house was just down the road from the prison, if you could ask the boss-man if you could swing by your house with the boys real quick and take care of that yard if you promised not to go inside.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: This invention IS only for guys who have balls but don't use them! (For example a lot of married guys I know) Monkey Ball Pocket (MBP) - with this invention, your testicles are surgically removed, leaving only a sack (it doesn't hurt and you weren't using them anyway) You can then carry anything you want - instant storage space! Use it to carry extra change, cigarettes, keys, your weed stash, sneak snacks into movies, the possibilities are endless! Sign up now!
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My family LOVES it when there's a power outage, and I go around secretly and turn on every light, TV, radio, stereo, game, computer, etc in the house - with full volumes. It makes for some fun times when the power does come back up. (My family pretends they're angry about it - but deep down I think they're laughing.)
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If I were a jellyfish I would learn to walk - to hold my breath and actually leave the ocean - and then I would walk up and down the beach - trying to hug people and watching them run away from me.
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Women are so strange - they think that "Do you mind taking the skin bus to tonsil-town tonight honey?" isn't romantic! Go figure!
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You know what word is just beautiful sounding - "Vulva" - it's pretty and conjures up nice images. For such a beautiful word how come we don't have more kids named Vulva? I've yet to meet ONE girl named Vulva!
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The best part of getting one of those Bow-Flex machines that are advertised in 20 minute commercials on TV? When you quit using it after 2 weeks, just think of all the clothes and towels you could hang on it on all those bow things! It'd be like a whole 'nother closet!
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What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs..." he says - "HUMAN legs!" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill in the coals - toes and all...with a little toe ring even.
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If I sold Viagra online, I don't think I'd send out a billion spam emails a day like the others. The competition is too stiff.
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You kids nowadays - SPOILED! Why when you kids need a quick pick-me-up by golly you just march down to the corner store and pick up one of those newfangled super-high caffeine energy drinks - Red Bull, RockStar, Amp, no sir, we had to go out in the street, barefoot, march ourselves up hill, both ways, usually in the snow, find someone dealing, and buy speed. No sir we weren't spoiled back then.
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I don't know much about the female reproductive system (other than it's great fun for everyone!), but I've always dreamed of making a documentary on birth and the womb - just so I could call it "The Living Womb"
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When I was a kid they'd show us anti-drug movies where some poor kid is always under severe peer-pressure to try drugs. "Come on chicken! Smoke it!" the other kids taunt. I don't know about you - but when I was a kid not ONE of my friends EVER tried to get me to do drugs. I'd had to BEG them and even then they'd hardly EVER share any drugs with the poor monkey. Maybe I just had a bad group of friends?
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Fun Monkey activity to do with the kids. When in a restaurant, and the teenaged son goes to the bathroom, when he comes back I ask him if he washed his hands. ("Of course!" he'll say) - then ask him what color the soap was. Busted.
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One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!

Today's blog is STILL dedicated to the memory of the over 50 thousand dead in SE Asia - the pain and suffering over there must be phenomenal, that's not even mentioning the injuries and those left homeless and without family. Insane it is.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us: My GF tells me that she feels like comiting suicide, and I know she wants me to tell her that I love her, but I don't, I just wish she would hurry up and do it."
(See ladies! There ARE still sensitive guys out there! - Monkey)
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Things that keep the Monkey awake at night pondering: If a mother cow was nursing her calves, and she suddenly died - but her calves kept drinking her milk - would her milk then have an expiration date?
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Monkey Hobby: I like to try and make babies in shopping carts smile or laugh at me by making funny faces at them, and when their Mom turns to see what's going on and what the baby's laughing at I hide or pretend I don't even see the baby. This is a GOOD thing because it makes the mother think the baby may be suffering from some mental illness - and she may get help for her babies early (Odds are the baby IS mental anyway.)
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Monkey tip of the day: Cheap, pretty flowers can be obtained from any cemetery for your girlfriend, wife (or both). Usually on Sunday evenings you'll find a wide assortment on plots - sometimes even fresh roses. If you should get caught - tell the officer - "It's okay -THE MONKEY gave me permission" (and wink at him/her)
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" I'll serve your ass like John MacEnroe - If your girl steps up, I'm smacking the ho" - House Of Pain - "Jump Around" 1992
I'm thinking these lyrics have to be some of the most beautiful, most romantic lyrics ever penned by man
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Monkey's "Too Much Information" entry: I'm ain't skeered of that time of month - it's all good to me - so when it's "clean up on aisle one" time of month you can still find me carrying on like normal - the only difference is you throw down a few old dark towels on the bed and clean up a little more afterwards (Don't forget to wash your face!) The moral of this story?: people with anonymous blogs will tell you about anything huh?
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I think pirates would be pretty upset with you if they were making you walk the plank because you were a sissy, and while on the plank some of your high beam gymnastics training came back to you and you did a switch leg leap, followed by a pirouette, and then a double twisting straight backwards somersault.
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Monkey Fun idea of the Day: Bring things like toilet plungers back to the lay-away dept. in major stores and set up a lay-away plan with a straight face.
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I can't wait for my wife to get back - even TV Dinners were too much work for me - I thought they were supposed to easy!? "Remove plastic from dessert, poke holes in plastic over the corn and mashed potatoes, microwave at 50% power for 4 minutes, stir corn, remove desert, microwave again for 1 minute" blah blah BLAH - and then I'm supposed to do THREE of these? From now on - Kraft Mac & Cheese every night!
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I once went to a fancy restaurant and the waiter came up, poured me a tiny bit of wine and told me all about the wine - I drank it and he just STOOD THERE as if he were waiting on something - okay - GO AWAY man!
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At Halloween my Mother-In-Law actually stood behind us at the front door as we gave out candy - screaming at the trick or treaters - "You kids - we're not paying to heat the neighborhood - we've got to get this door closed!" (Do Mother-In-Laws actually go to some sort of school or training to learn this stuff?)
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Here in Montana we have "Kum & Go" convenient stores - (a favorite of mine because of the name) Yesterday I was getting gas and the flirty lady clerk leaned over real close watching me write the check - she then called me "Honey" She smiled sweetly and we chatted for a moment and she then called me "Sweety" and WINKED at the Monkey! I did get outta there before she had the chance to tell me her bedroom in her trailer home was ALSO known as the Kum & Go wink wink and it's just around the corner wink wink.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: You people who still think it's cool to laugh and say "Does a bear shit in the woods?" or "Does the pope wear a funny hat?" when someone asks you a question. Move on will ya?

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the THOUSANDS of people who were killed in SE Asia because of their earthquake and tidal wave. I can't even fathom that many dead people. (I was supposed to dedicate today's blog to a Monkey Cage reader's dead vibrator ("Bullet" RIP) that she finally killed - and I still will - but with thousands killed in Asia or a dead vibrator named "Bullet" - what would you have done!?)
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us: "I hate how my wife's big arse blocks the view of the tv while she is giving me head."
(Dammit some women have a LOT of nerve! This is for SURE grounds for a beating if not a divorce! - This proves that there ARE husbands out there who are being abused. Monkey)
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I'm trying to get a new Christmas tradition started - it will surely spread like wildfire across our great nation with your help. What we do is the day after Christmas we take all of our old things we got replaced, like TV's, video games, clothes, you name it - and we toss them off of overpasses into highways - but you can't peek first to see if a car's coming - that's the only rule. We'll call this new holiday "Post-Christmas Overpass Day" - who's in!? See you on the overpass!
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Note to self: Firefighters fail to see the humor in calling them to your house after you ate that chili and reporting that your ass is on fire.
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Someone come pick up my son; after seeing Napoleon Dynamite he imitates him 24/7! Gosh! And I usually talk like Sling Blade so we've got Napoleon Dynamite vs. Sling Blade in this house and it must END! (By the way some folks Call it a Sling Blade, I call it a Kaiser Blade)
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Monkey Movie idea of the day: "Plastic House" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of Gloria Adams, an 87 year old grandmother in Freemont, Virginia who wrapped her living room furniture in that plastic protector stuff that old folks use - but that wasn't enough - she then laid down those plastic "walk ways" through her entire house - but she couldn't stop - soon she wrapped everything in every room of her house. You'll laugh, you'll cry - you'll love this movie. (2 hrs, 45 min) (violence, sodomy, extreme sexual content, eye-gouging and mild scenes of trepanning)
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So all the gifts we bring back to good ol' American Wal*Mart to exchange because they don't work - does it all just go back to China? How does that work?
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Monkey Invention of the Day: For you people who seem to spend a lot of time typing with one hand online - and you know who you are - Monkey Labs, Inc., has invented a pill, which, taken anally four times a day for 3 weeks, will allow you to grow ANOTHER hand over on your left arm - guess what - in no time you'll be enjoying your perversions again, typing away with TWO hands while still enjoying your other!
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Some say us guys won't ask for directions - not true - in stores without my wife I ask where EVERYTHING is - "'scuse me - where is the soda please?" "Where's the cat food?" "Where's the bathroom?" "Where's the check-out counter?" - I pretty much grab a grocery store worker and she can walk with me and even push my shopping cart and we shop together and talk about the weather and become life-long friends.
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Fun Monkey idea of the day: Fun way to shut down a lot of blogs - go around to random blogs and leave a comment that says:
"I'm VERY hurt by what I'm reading here - VERY disappointed in you - we'll talk about this later"
- Your hurt Mother
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Isn't it strange how your kids have so-called "friends" they've not played with in ages come by the house about 2-3 days after Christmas - to check out what your kids got for Christmas and help destroy your house? I'd wait at least a week before doing my rounds when I was a kid - so it doesn't look so obvious.
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The older generation always have some strange "custom" that we young kids must do when passing a cemetery - "Don't speak while driving past a cemetery", etc. To continue to mess up future generations I tell my kids you have to lift both feet off the floor of the car - EVEN if you're driving - until you're past the cemetery or it's a bad omen on the dead and they will rise up and kill.
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Favorite quote from my know-it-all Mother-In-Law of the day: "The reason we're seeing more Bald Eagles up in the trees this morning is because this isn't their hunting time of day when they're out walking around hunting"

Today's blog is dedicated to all you people standing in refund lines across America because it didn't fit, was the wrong color, is just plain ugly or you already have one. Good luck.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : I'm a girl and I wish I had a penis. Just because it'd be fun to write my name in the snow, and be able to piss anywhere."
(They are a LOT of fun to have!!! I write my name in the snow with mine - careful not to get frostbite though! - Monkey)
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Things I can now do with my wife being temporarily away:
I can leave the seat up on the toilet, I can go get me a can of Spam and eat it up yum-yum. I can use a broom and dustpan to clean crumbs off the table and counters. Make the bed? Yeah right! I can kick her cat - "Osama Bin Kitty" into walls and through windows (and back again). When the kids ask me to cook a meal I can say "Slave days ended LONG ago punk!" And with my wife away I've taken up cooking - I can now officially cook a DiGiorno Pizza - did any of you know they put a big piece of cardboard on the bottom of these frozen pizzas and that it will actually BURN in the oven!?
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I get pop-ups like this on my Mac: "Sorry, your browser is not WIN32 Compatible" - as if that's a BAD thing! I cheer when I get that pop-up!
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My mother always made us kids write "thank you letters" to each person who sent us a gift at Christmas. It was nice - but some of those letters were SO hard to write with a straight face:
"Dear Aunt Alice - thank you so much for the package of Fruit of the Loom underwear - I can hardly wait to wear them!"
"Dear Uncle Jim - the Children's Illustrated Bible Stories book is exciting and I can't wait to start it!"
"Dear Grandma - yes, the dollar bill you sent me will go into my college fund account - thank you SO MUCH!"
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To you guys that dress up in "Barn camouflage" to look like the side of a barn and then stand motionless for hours next to barns throughout Wyoming next to highway I-25. I SAW you - don't think I didn't!
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's AIM Screen Name Glasses" (MASNG) - put on these special glasses and you'll be able to magically "see" what someone's Instant Messenger screen name is through a small discrete display on the lenses! Put them on and discover that Carl the big burly butcher down at Albertsons is really "HotTeenChik69" - your Grandmother is "Luv2Rim", your little sister is "ButtPlugz4Me", your husband is "SnglHot&HornE", your Aunt Jean is "SwalO_hotLoadz" HOURS of fun! (Batteries sold separately)
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All over this country on Christmas morning there are rednecks staring up at their Christmas lights on their house thinking "Hey I KNOW! Why don't I just leave these up all year!"

Today's bLog is dedicated to anyone out there right now on Christmas Eve who has lost a parent or parents and always has a big empty void on Christmas that can never be filled again except with memories. Merry Christmas to all of my readers - I hope it's a joyous, safe and happy holiday for all of you
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Us really super-horny pervert people are always tormented souls - when I hear someone say they're going to do something "lickity split" - my mind turns that into "lickity slit" and that gets changed to "lick" and "Slit" and then off goes my mind into oral-fantasy-land and I don't even hear what you're saying anymore sorry could you repeat that?
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I work as a customer service rep for Visa and I purposly put people on hold just because I can.."
(I KNEW it!!!!!!! I just KNEW IT! - Monkey. And by the way - if there's one thing I've learned from reading grouphug daily it's that guys visiting your house ladies WILL steal your dirty underwear out of your bathroom and do terrible things to them and on them and you may never see them again!)
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Why do some of you people boarding airplanes show your boarding pass to the flight attendant when you board so they can "help you" with your seat assignment? Come ON - how hard IS IT to figure out where seat 14B is!? They say the same thing to you each time - they point down the plane where ALL the seats are and say- "down that way sir - thu-ank yew".
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "A blog is something you don't mind thousands of people from around the globe reading. (as long as they're not in your family or you work with them or you're sleeping with them)
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Went into a Hardees the other day and everyone behind the counter was disgusting - but FRIENDLY. There were about 3 ladies working there along with one guy, all of them very overweight - which isn't a problem if their uniforms fit - but their uniforms were all a size or three too small - 2 of the ladies had disgustingly greasy nasty hair, one of them had only a few teeth in her head and I think was cross-eyed. The guy came over to take my order - and his pants were unzipped and he practically had his Johnson laying on the counter. (This blog entry not endorsed or sanctioned by Hardee's Food Systems, Inc. or it's subsidiaries and it's illegal under Article 14.3 of the U.S. penal code for a US Corporation to sue a primate for slander)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Back of the Bus" (PG-17) - This unique movie is filmed entirely in the back of a Jr. High School bus - and follows the lives of several Jr. High students. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll love this movie. 2 hrs, 3 min (Graphic violence, drug use, sodomy, murder, mutilation scenes, strong sexual content and explicit sex, adult language)
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In a store the other day and went to the bathroom - there in the stall all around the toilet were Bar-BQ Fritos - who the hell goes into a stores restroom, sits down on the toilet and starts eating Fritos!? WHO!? WHY!? I must know!
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I see a lot of blogs with these neat personality "tests" -i.e. if you were a kitchen utensil, which one would you be? If you were a candy bar - which one would you be? I'm developing my own code to make even more tests for our blogs!:
1) If you were a vibrator - what kind would you be? (butterfly, traditional, G-spot, vibrating egg, hands-free, etc)
2) If you were a sexual position - which one would you be? (doggie, 69, miss., double-backed switchblade)
3) If you were a turd - what kind of turd would you be? (with corn, with nuts, etc - no offense to the Hankey family)
(Okay I made up the "double-backed switchblade" position - had you wondering didn't I!? Sounds fun though)
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The mother-in-law claims that batteries in household smoke/fire detectors are to be changed once a week. Yeah I wanna see her fat ass go around changing them once a week!
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These kids - I come home after being away for about two hours - and they're laying on the floor playing their Gamecube and there's a huge hot, stinking, steaming pile of dog puke on the floor the size of the Great Pyramid of Giza NEXT TO THEM.
Monkey: "Hello? Anyone notice the dog got sick and there's a pile of hot, stinkng, steaming dog puke here on the floor the size of the Great Pyramid of Giza?!"
(They don't even hit pause on their game that I rented for them with MY money to look at me or the dog puke)
One of them: "Oh...yeah. We saw it"
Monkey: "Did either of you get any ideas in your heads about CLEANING IT UP!?"
Them: "Oh - we thought you would want to do it"
(all holy furies of the nine levels of hell were unleashed upon them both and I damned-near cleaned up the dog puke with their Gamecube-shaped-empty heads!)

Today's blog is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers who left encouraging comments for me. Thank you ALL - it meant a lot to me - things are still rough in our family at Christmas - but monkey-thoughts keep on happening anyway - may as well write 'em down and blog 'em up! Thank you my friends - I can't tell you how much your encouraging words and well wishes were appreciated by me and I'll never forget it.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "i kissed a girl for the first time it took me 16 years"
(Now slip her the tongue! Report back here in 12 years with how it went! - Monkey)
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Saw one of those popular blow up Santa figures in someone's yard this morning - deflated and laying face down in the grass - when the wind blew his middle part would flop up and down - making Santa appear to do nasty things to the ground. (Am I a 40 year old man or a 9 year old boy?! I wonder sometimes!)
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My son and I can't make my wife understand - it's okay for little kids to exchange Christmas presents, and maybe girls - but teenaged boys? That's just NOT cool - it's what is known as "gay" in the teenaged boy world.
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One of my hobbies is to think about China - about the 1.1 BILLION people there - the more people - the more fun. For instance today I was thinking about China and figured they've got every name imaginable covered - I assure you there's a boy there named "Poon Tang", there's a "Long Dong", there's every crazy name imaginable. Also does China seem a lot more empty these days with all their toys over here in America for Christmas?
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I'm thinking instead of crosses along the highway to mark where someone has died - those glow-in-the-dark plastic skeletons - this would be more sobering.
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I don't think airport security would care much for you if you told them that although you weren't carrying any weapons, your penis can get huge and dangerous practically on demand - it could be used to bludgeon people - but that you'll try not to hurt anyone with it or break the snack table if it gets out of control.
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Did you know that people are such sheep ("Sheeple" I call 'em) - that you can have a lot of fun controlling them? For example at any function, like a School Christmas concert - instead of just clapping after a song has ended, STAND UP and clap - a standing ovation - and within seconds the whole auditorium will be standing and clapping. Manipulating the mob is easy, worthwhile and a fun hobby for all.
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I think some people would frown if you put a sign in your yard at Christmas that read "Remember - Presents are the reason for the season!"
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Note to self: Never try to make your own "Raisin Bran" by putting raisins in a box of corn flakes - it's NOT the same - those people at Post who make Raisin Bran are paid, trained professionals and know how to make the raisins chewy and sugary - it's not to be done at home you big cheapskate bastard - just go buy some Raisin Bran!
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Note to self(2): In stores, they don't call that part of the store "Bras and shit" - they call it "Intimate Apparel" - and it IS frowned upon to touch the mannequins' panty-clad asses no matter how much it seems so right.
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My kids hate it when I call a TV a "Television Set", or call a stereo "Hi-Fi Equipment", or call their shoes "Tennis Shoes" or "Keds".
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Monkey Invention of the day: Monkey's Helium-Filled Fun Airbags (MHFFA) - these work the same way as regular car airbags - but they're filled with helium! So you get in a crash and smash your face into the airbag and it deflates - sending helium everywhere - this way your voice will sound like Mickey Mouse and it'll be a lot of fun for everyone when they come to rescue you to hear a Mickey-Mouse-like voice screaming "hellpp mee!" from inside the mangled car. (Batteries sold separately)
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: People who abuse the "standing ovation" - a standing ovation should be a RARE thing and if overused or abused it looses it's specialness. The assistant principal introducing the Junior High Choir at the local school Christmas concert is NOT worthy of a standing ovation!
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Good news: My Mother-in-law has stopped talking about the Scott Peterson trial (until February). Bad News: She is now consumed 24/7 with the Robert Blake trial.
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More people that need to be pimp slapped: You retailers and store-owners who put a sign on EVERY damned thing saying "Makes a great stocking stuffer!" - screw you - let ME decide what to stuff in stockings! Maybe I don't think vacuum cleaners and computers are great stocking stuffers okay? BACK OFF!
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Speaking of backing off - you clowns that put the Yosemite Sam mudflaps on your trucks that say "Back off!" - that's just an invitation for rebels like me to get right up on your ass with my car. Ah-ma not skeered of Yosemite Sam you yellow-bellied flea-bitten varmints!

There has been a terrible death in my wife's family and she had to go out of state to be with others who need help and to help with children who have lost their mother. It's just me and the kids here for Christmas which of course is also tough on our kids - times are rough at Christmas for our family and I won't be blogging until at least after Christmas. Readers please have a wonderful Christmas and cherish your loved ones. I love you all and will be back when I can.

Today's blog is dedicated to those that are forgotten in this world - totally forgotten and alone, with no family to speak of, no friends. There ARE people out there who are TRULY alone in this world - on the streets, in old folk's homes, in mental homes. People actually exists and NOBODY cares. They have no birthdays, they have no Christmas's - they have nothing at all. This is for all the lonely people, thinking that life has passed them by, don't give up until you, drink from the silver cup, and ride that highway in the sky. (3 extra points if you can name that tune)
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Favorite quote from today's http://grouphug.us : "Sometimes I wonder how badly it would *really* hurt if my foot was run over by a car. I'm tempted to stick my foot out in the street just to see..."
(GO FOR IT! - Monkey)
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I watched two huge crows tearing into a PILLOW along the highway this morning - feathers were of course everywhere. I could only imagine what those two birds were thinking as they tore into the roadkill pillow: "Don't know what kind of animal this was - but this bastard has killed a LOT of birds!" I'm sure to them it was some evil blob shaped creature with no legs or arms that devours little white birds.
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I was a good little monkey and never, EVER peeked under the wrapping paper of my presents before Christmas. Sure I'd weigh them, measure them, shake them, bring them to the airport and run them through the X-ray machine, do an ultrasound on them at the local hospital, but I NEVER peeked under the wrapping!
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One of my Mother-in-Law's favorite annoying hobbies is to walk into ANY room - no matter how bright it is already - and flip on the light and beam "Why don't you turn on the light so you can see what you're doing?" (I purposely will read in an almost black room just to watch her freak out and turn on the light) - I just know one day I'm going to be eating at the Y with my wife and she's gonna bust in and turn on the light - "Here - turn on the light so you can see what you're..umm.....oh my GOD - don't lick that!!!"
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Son calls me from his school - "I forgot my instrument for band practice - I'm sorry - can you PLEASE bring it to the school?" So I raise all sorts of hell and grumbled and bitched and gave him a 47 minute speech about personal responsibility and being more aware of what's going on - blah blah blah. I get in the car and drive 8 miles to his school, park the car and realize I never did grab his trumpet case. Oops.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: The clowns that invented and built the arcade "Claw Machines" - where little kids see something wonderful in that mess of cheap Chinese-made "toys", beg for a quarter from their hard-working parents, run the claw over, drop it, and get NOTHING. Which is what my kids get when they ask for money for any arcade games from ME - they get NOTHING! (said in Willy Wonka voice)
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Monkey: Hello?
Lady: This is Linda Green from Ford Motor Credit - Mr. Monkey we haven't received your December payment yet and it's now 5 days overdue.
Monkey: Aren't YOU 5 days overdue kissing my white ass?
Lady: Umm - sir... if you'd like we can do a pay-by-phone, it's free - would you like to do that today sir?
Monkey: If you'd like we can do sex-by-phone, it's free also - get comfortable and tell me about your panties?
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Well I've DONE IT! I've finished my finals!!!! Are you proud of the Monkey!? (Actually I haven't - I don't even go to school - but it's the latest thing to say on blogs so I'm joining in)
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I was only 12 the first time I saw a girl on her back...moaning...her eyes were thrown back in her head...she was shaking and groaning and almost biting her tongue. Seems she'd forgotten to take her Epileptic medicine and had a seizure in class.
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The Monkey loves to look at random blogs - you never know what you'll see - I saw one yesterday that actually said:
"Darling - I miss you sooo much and love you - you can call me I got a new AT&T phone card from my sister - 1-800.927.3119 and the PIN is 3219"
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Wouldn't it suck if you really WERE a high-ranking government Nigerian official and you had fallen on hard times and had to move millions of dollars out of your country and needed help? A few bad Nigerians with email accounts have already ruined it for you
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When we were kids my brothers and I would dare each other to do almost anything in the world for usually a dollar or less and we'd end up doing it - it wasn't the money - it was a guy thing I guess.
"I'll give you a dollar if you'll eat and swallow a pair of Aunt Jeanie's dirty panties from the dirty clothes basket"
"I'll give you a dollar if you'll jump off this highway overpass and land on top of that police car coming this way - with a nickel-bag of pot in your pocket"
"Hey I'll give you a dollar if you'll drive this small nail through your right testicle with a hammer"
"I'll give you 50 cents to mix this Drano in your chocolate milk and drink it"
Of course we'd DO these things, and hold out our hand (or what was left of it) for the money and the other brother would always laugh - "Dude you know I don't have a dollar!"
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Company "Team building exercises" - obstacle courses, river rafting - screw that - the best team-building exercise a company could have would be to clean out one of the meeting rooms, put some plastic down, bring in some baby-oil and have one big huge sweaty nasty orgy.
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I was lucky when I was in school - we had the potheads, the metalheads, the geeks, the jocks, but we DIDN'T have those pathetic "Goth" kids - whew - that wasn't "invented" yet.
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A Christmas present I never forgot. "Teresa" in third grade had a crush on me and she got me a roll of cherry Lifesavers for Christmas with a note - "I love you - do you love me - circle "Y" for Yes or "N" for No and put it in my locker at recess" (I think I circled both Y and N to keep her on her toes but I can't remember)
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Did we ever figure out why the man in the yellow hat lives alone with Curious George the Monkey? I don't like it - I don't like to think of monkeys being sexually abused by perverts in yellow hats. This has bothered me for years. Someone once suggested maybe Curious George was BI-Curious George - and I don't like THAT either - Curious George is a monkey - he's a brother - we may even be kin. He may need our help.
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Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written by a very stupid criminal:
December 08, 2004: Thinking of robbing the Target store on 12th Avenue tonight in Franksville, Kentucky tonight"
December 09, 2004: I did it! I had a blast in Target! I got the following items!:
December 10, 2004: Luckily I took my digital camera with me to Target and have some great photos to share! Here's me coming through the back door - here's me in the Electronics Dept."
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I think you may be laughed at if you were a professional basketball player and all the boys were headed out after the big game to rape women and do drugs and you said you couldn't make it - that you had a Chess Club meeting you had to get to. I'm not so sure how long you'd last on the team.
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What did I want for Christmas when I was a little kid? I remember my list - I wanted two things; "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots" and I wanted my own whore with thigh-high black stockings and high heels. (BTW I got the Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots!)

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of "Frankie" - Frankie was the beloved eleven year-old dog and companion of one of my blog friends (and Monkey Cage Reader) - Colin G from one of my favorite blogs: BostonBluEyes ( http://bostonblueyes.blogspot.com/ ) Frankie died from Cancer on December 10th. My deepest sympathy to Colin and his wife ("the Lovely D") on this monumental loss. Some of the best friends I've had in my life have been dogs. My favorite quote about dogs: "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" -- Unknown
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My Christmas shopping was RUINED - I was in Wal*Mart checking out the CD's when what CD do you think I saw? You got it - "Clay Aiken's Christmas CD". Lordy knows if my wife even hears about Gay Aiken's Christmas CD there will be hell to pay for YEARS in this house every Christmas! Don't MAKE me stay at a Motel 6 every Christmas - their light is on for me!!!
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Monkey quote of the day: "There are two kinds of people in this world - those that yell out for someone to go jiggle the toilet handle, and those that just go and do it"
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The other day while changing Osama Bin Kitty's litter box, (I change it every December) I actually DID consider getting one of her dried up turds, sticking a hook in it, and hanging it on our Christmas tree - I actually spotted one that would make a fine ornament. But you know what - I couldn't - I just couldn't - I can get away with a lot of silliness with my wife, but I just can't do this. I know I've let some of you down.
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Favorite quote from today's http://grouphug.us : "i am a huge pimp. I am currently banging 37 women in 1 week. Im not sure but i think that 2 of them are sisters. what i want to do is get them in bed at the same time and have them do stuff to each other. I am living the American dream. man 37 bitches."
(37? - that's IT!? What a loser. - Monkey)
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Monkey Movie idea of the day: "Show Time" (PG-13) - the true story of Walter Dertone, who in 1994, armed with a silenced Beretta 9mm, went to movie theaters in North Carolina and shot in the head anyone he found talking, answering cell phones, bringing babies in the theater, or making noises with candy wrappers. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never behave in a theater in the same way after seeing Show Time. (1 hr, 40 min - extreme violence, graphic nudity, adult situations, drug use, sodomy)
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Monkey quote of the day #2: "There are two types of guys in this world - those that would've done Ginger and those that would've done Mary-Ann"
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If I'm ever homeless or my wife does get her hands on the Clay AIkens Christmas CD, I've already scoped out where I'm gonna live - under bridges is overrated - Home Depot baby! I'm gonna haul a (NEW!) mattress up to the top of one of those 90 foot high shelves they have, rearrange some boxes and I'm home - when the place closes I'll have my pick of TV's, toilets, showers, rubber tubes, chains - I'll never have to leave! (During the day when the place is busy and loud you'll find me over at Barnes & Noble on a couch reading and sipping coffee.)
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My Mother-In-Law lives and breaths for court TV and her every waking moment lately has been watching "coverage" and "analysis" of the Scott Peterson case and telling everyone about it. HOURS of Scott Peterson - and here I thought it was all over, but she tells me that February is when his "official sentencing" is to take place... I can't take it anymore - I'm going to find Scott Peterson and burn the bastard to death with a Zippo lighter myself and end this torture for the rest of us - maybe I'll take out Clay Aiken on the same day and I'll sleep oh-so-good at night.
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Things I miss about living down south: I miss opening kitchen cabinets and having those huge cockroaches jump/fly out at your face.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: People that insist on saying everything is "off the hook" - I've seen fish that were off the hook and I've seen phones left off the hook - that's about it. Cut that shit out.
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My wife and her damned pillows - I kid you not there's FIVE pillows on each side of our bed - it takes me 20 minutes to throw them all on the floor when I go to bed - I don't get it - is there a reason to have so many pillows!? Is it just my wife or do other women insist on so many pillows? And if I make the bed she even wants them in a certain ORDER - it's the dark blue one, next the big striped blue one, on top of that goes a flowery blue one, followed by a dark blue one, and last goes a fancier flowery blue one. (I think) Someone please shoot me. We only need 3 pillows - one for me, one for her, and one to prop up parts of her body so I can have easy access to do nasty things to her.
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Don't you hate it when you're cruising along at 95 mph down the freeway and your son says "Dad isn't the speed limit 65 mph on this highway?" - man...send 'em to school and they think they know everything.
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Speaking of reading in Barnes & Noble book stores - I was once walking around with a book and a coffee looking for a vacant couch when I spotted this old guy on a nice couch with a book in his lap - SLEEPING! I came SO close to caving his head in with a large-print Webster's unabridged dictionary
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My mother's generation told kids "Don't tattle", or "Don't be a "tattle-tail" - a lot in my generation tells their kids "Don't be a narc!"
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Just think we'll be able to tell our kids - "Why you young whippersnappers, with your fancy internet porn, when *I* was a kid we didn't have all these hundreds of beautiful fake-boobed porn stars, by golly we ONLY had Seka, Ron Jeremy, Ginger Lynn, Marilyn Chambers, Linda Lovelace, Vanessa Del Rio, John Holmes, and if we were lucky MAYBE Little Oral Annie - and that was IT! You kids nowadays - SPOILED ROTTON!"
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When I'm 90 years old and a Wal*Mart "Greeter" I'm going to throw some excitement into the job by every now and again mumbling to customers as they walk in - "Fuck off". They'll think their ears are going bad - surely a Wal*Mart Greeter would never say that - or would they? There'll be lots of double-takes, head-scratching, and hours of fun. (until I'm fired)
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My dog obeys only one command "Go get in your bed!" - and off she goes to her big pillow bed in the bedroom. I've experimented with commands that sound like "Go get in your bed!" and some of my favorites that will send her to her bed are; "Go give me some head!", "I wish you were dead!", or "Go lay on your head!" and the other day a new one: "Go get me Fred!"- and off she goes to the bedroom to find Fred.
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Speaking of Wal*Mart - have you noticed the employees (pardon me - "associates") have blue vests with big bold white letters saying "How Can I Help You?" - printed on the BACK? That's because that's all of you see of those bastards - their backs. (OUCH!)
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When a woman says to the monkey that she's "being anal" about something - doesn't she know I don't hear another word she's says after that because just her saying "anal" sends my mind into Monkey-anal-fantasy play land?

Today's blog is dedicated to our fine troops over in Iraq right now putting their asses on the line, far away from home, with Christmas approaching. I learned today my blog is actually read by some troops over in Iraq right now and they love it. Thank you fine men & women of our armed services - we love you!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "I get the horn reading the confessions on this site"
(Maybe you shouldn't be out in the bull pasture reading grouphug. - Monkey)
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I'd like a dog just like Snoopy - I want a doghouse with a flat roof and he'll lay up there on his back all the live-long day - and I'll call him Scooby just to make things confusing.
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I know pretty much when "noon" is - not a problem - but if a gunfighter told me to meet him down in the town's main street at HIGH noon for a shootout he'd REALLY be pissed if I told him I had no idea when high noon was. Or can you imagine how pissed he'd be if he showed up with his itchy trigger finger ready to kill the monkey and I'd been there at LOW noon by mistake and declared myself the winner due to forfeit? Note to gunfighters - make sure you understand when High Noon IS!
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Did you grow up in a house with a screwy toilet and have to listen to your parents screaming "Someone go jiggle the handle!!" at least once a day!? I did. As a teenager I was usually somewhere jiggling my own handle when my mother would scream about jiggling the handle.
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Note to self: "Monkey - you'd think you'd know this by now - but you obviously haven't - if the wife is in a bad mood don't ask:
"are you raggin'?" - or
"Honey do I kneed to call for clean up on aisle one?"
- this does not help things and will get you in a world of trouble.
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Does anyone here remember when MP2's were the latest thing? And all music was in MP2 format? I don't - I'm thinking I must have had a huge black-out during that period? Did I miss some great MP2's?
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey the Talking Vibrator" (MTTV) - that's right - Monkey Labs, Inc., has created a vibrator that TALKS! You'll have HOURS of fun with this one! What does he say - up to 249 messages - On the out-stroke, he'll say "Please - not again - noooooo!" but you don't listen - bury him again! He also has favorites such as "Damn bitch this is the __th time today!" (A computer chip counts how many times it's used on a daily basis) He also says "I think this may constitute abuse under my warrenty!" - other lines - "There's a wristwatch in there - can I keep it?" If the MTTV detects it's not been used in a few days it will start singing the blues and crying until you actually do use it. (Batteries sold separately - may be a choking hazard.)
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Could I be the only 40-year old man who still doesn't know how to tie a neck tie and has to get his wife to do it for him? I doubt it - but it's possible.
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Do you think any male bears wake up in the middle of hibernation and sneak around having sex with the hibernating female bears!? Or in the bear world do you think it's just an unwritten bear rule that you just DON'T do that - it's not cool.
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Imagine the pain the cave women must have gone through - they didn't have razors - to keep themselves neat and trimmed up for their caveman they probably had to use sharpened stones to shave it. Women back then were tougher I tell ya.
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Monkey Invention of the Day (2): Monkey's Repeatable Toilet Flusher (MRTF) - ever flush the toilet, and what ever is in it doesn't go away, or you'd just like to flush it again for whatever reason? You can't - because the tank is still filling up - so you stand there and wait until it sounds like it's full and THEN you can flush the toilet again. Well now with the Monkey Repeatable Toilet Flusher, you simply push the handle again and walk away - when the tank completes filling, the toilet will flush again automatically. (Batteries sold separately)
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My kids, my wife, SO materialistic - they actually have their "Christmas Wish Lists" posted on the fridge. CD's, games, clothes, etc. But while compiling my own Christmas list - I found I wasn't so materialistic - From my wife I want to give and get oral pleasures every night for 3.2 hours for a straight month, from the kids I want two things; 1) better grades and 2) Some peace and quiet around this house. And from my mother-in-law I want her out of the state. You see, MY gifts cost NOTHING - no need to wait for a sale at Old Navy for what I want!

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Darrell "Dimebag" Abbott. RIP Dimebag. I'm BACK from my little mini-vacation and missed you all! I'm going to catch up on unpacking and sleeping - but as a token of being back here's some older Monkey stuff perhaps for all my new readers these days!? Welcome! I appreciate all your comments to my last entry before I left - I probably won't get to respond like I normally do and apologize in advance
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written in that mysterious and stupid language that spammers use in their emails:
June 24: organization application lies identification available Chinese though subtle
June 23: oldiering overlooks Toscanini unexplored amoebae
June 22: Saturday whistling faulting V*iagra
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I've somehow acquired an annoying habit (says my wife) - of when I'm watching TV and I see a lady with big, nice boobs I say "Boobs!" - and she tells me - "I'm NOT a guy okay!? I don't CARE" Somehow now my teenaged son has picked up this habit - and so when we watch TV with my wife and we see a nice set we BOTH say "Boobs!" It's become quite fun (for two of us at least)
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It might be worth it to live in a trailer, be a teenager, and have a sister - JUST so that when your parents say - "Monkey take out the trailer trash please" - you could go over and grab your sister and try and throw her out the door. Sure you'd get in trouble with your parents, and your sister would kick your ass - but laughs you'd have!
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Have you noticed realtors for some reason like to put their pictures on everything; on their business cards, on billboards, in their newspaper ads, they even have their mugs in the phone books! What's the deal with this? Are they vain? Do they think we NEED to see their faces? Why? Someone please explain this realtor/picture thing to the monkey in a 2,500 words or less essay, #2 pencil, double-spaced.
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Time honored men traditions: It is a tradition that when fellows are working and a guy can't get something in a hole - be it a screw that won't sit right, or just anything that must go in a hole - it is tradition for one of the guys present or watching to say "Need some hair around that hole to help you?" Yep - it MUST be said - every time.
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Things I miss about living in the south: In the South - we don't PUSH buttons - no sir - we MASH them - that's right - you don't push elevator buttons - you mash 'em - you don't push the enter key on your computer - you MASH it!
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Shower Temp Alert Device" (MSTAD) With the MSTAD, no more turning on your shower in the morning and sticking your hand in there to see if the water temp is hot enough to where you can get in yet - this device rings a bell when the temperature is what it's supposed to be. (Not suitable for the hearing-impaired, contains small parts that may be a choking hazard to infants - one per family please)
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I think it's a good idea in drive-thru's after your final order is to add - "This order is to go" I think deep down inside they like that kind of humor.
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I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
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I'm thinking in bedrooms across America guys are saying - "Honey - not ONLY is it good for your skin and complexion, not only is it high in protein, but there's ZERO carbs - yep - you heard me - it's Atkin's friendly!"
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Silly Monkey Game Idea Of the Day: "SimFish" - you simply catch a fish, and place this small cheap transmitter on him (velcro provided) - you then release your fish back into the ocean/pond/lake/stream/river/sewer and let the fun begin! Log onto www.simfish.com and enter your transmitter code (provided with SimFish package and transmitter) - now the fun begins - you will be able to watch your fish and track him on a realtime 3d map - you can zoom in on his location, you can zoom out and see other fish that are wired for SimFish Simulation - onscreen web maps also will show you the age of your fish, his or her depth, temperature, etc. If your SimFish is eaten by another bigger fish - have no fear - the transmitter will still work - you'll just be tracking a bigger fish! (Batteries sold separately)
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My son has some strange boxers - but today I saw in his dirty laundry (also called his bedroom floor) CAMOUFLAGED boxers - WHY would you need them? Hunting? If so - there MAY be a problem!
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Why are the cases we store CD's in called "Jewel Cases" anyway? Who's brilliant idea? Someone's got some explaining to do - they have nothing to do with jewels.
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People I want to pimp-slap: Whoever invented the phrase "spare money" Don't you love it when people ask you about "spare change" or "spare money"? - who the hell has SPARE money!? I don't have any money that is SPARE, ever penny is much-needed and accounted for.
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Great Monkey Idea: The next time you have a party at your house, stock your bathroom medicine cabinet with things to keep the rumors flying - because guests are going to peek in your medicine cabinet anyway!! Anti-Depressants, pot, a crack pipe, needles, The Morning After pill, condoms of all sorts, handcuffs, KY-Jelly, sex toys, hormone pills, let your imagination be your guide. Give 'em something to talk about!

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of our American forefathers (and foremothers) who travelled west - can you imagine? Ever drive across Utah or Wyoming? In a closed, warm car going 75 mph? Imagine crawling along in a WAGON, freezing your ass off, with your entire family, over mountains and rivers, while the natives fire off arrows at your face. I'm going away AGAIN - this time Friday and will return on Sunday night.
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So what IS Victoria's Secret anyway? Anyone know?
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You see "Baby's First Christmas" tree ornaments all the time - boring - I wonder if they make a Christmas ornament that reads "Baby's Last Christmas"?
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A blast from the past: "Ladies and gentlemen the captain has turned off the no-smoking sign please feel free to smoke"
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I ran into a guy the other day named "Peter" - and this got the Monkey to thinking about that name - you don't often hear about baby boys being named Peter, or Dick, anymore - I think because they've come to mean a penis. But HOW? Do you think a guy named Peter, long ago, was a real dick and so the name Peter became synonymous with a penis? Or was there a guy named Dick who just went around being a jerk and when people thought of him they thought of a penis? And what's so bad about a penis anyway? I don't know about yours - mine's really cool and friendly to all who have known it. Do you think there was a girl, long ago, who was a real dick and her name was "cunt"? These are the things that keep the Monkey awake at night tossing and turning and pondering.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us: "Sometimes I go on my trampoline and never want to go off... I bounce so high, into the sky and I wonder, 'why oh why?' Does that make me a bad person?"
(Oh yeah - you're downright EVIL!!! - Monkey)
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My teenaged son is of the age where I stress to him he should really start putting some serious thought into what sort of career he's interested in - my suggestion - that he move to Nigeria and become one of those Nigerian email scammers - I think the money and hours are good and I'm told they have an excellent benefits package.
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Those "horoscope people" - they ask you your "sign" (I usually tell them "Feces") and it's fun to reply: "Aquarius" and they'll slap their forehead and go on and on: "I KNEW it! You are SO Aquarius! You do this like an Aquarius, and you do that like an Aquarius, (blah blah blah) - you're SO Aquarius Monkey I just KNEW it!" - and then you say "Sike - I'm really a Scorpio!" That tends to piss off the Horoscope people.
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My wife doesn't think that when I ask her to sit on my face that it's romantic, and she also says that doesn't count as foreplay - go figure.
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In the Old West when all the cowboys are standing at the bar knocking back shots of whiskey, I don't think it would go over too well if you slid up to the bar and ordered a sissy cocktail drink, and then sat down at a poker table and tried to get people to play Go Fish or Uno.
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I think every family has some Christmas tree ornament that's ugly as hell but since someone in the family made it long ago - it HAS to go on the tree each year. My wife's great-great Aunt hand-made a Charlie Brown and a Snoopy ornament that gives everyone in the family nightmares. Charlie Brown is very skinny, has HAIR and wears purple pants; snoopy looks like an aborted fetus - I'm hoping there's a tree fire this year and our tree burns to the ground. I'm going to "pass down" to my kids an "ornament" that's really a dried-up cat turd from the litter box, I'm going to paint it yellow and put a hook on it and say it's Spongebob Squarepants - to continue this terrible tradition - and I'll be hurt if I don't see it on their tree each year.
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One of the best parts about being a dog must be sniffing the pretty girl's crotches when they come to your house. If I were a dog this would be my favorite hobby, and after they shoed me away from them I'd sit and lick my lips over and over again and make my lipstick-looking talley-whacker come out to say hello.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey's Disintegrating Pizza Boxes. Love pizza but are sick of those big-assed pizza boxes to throw away afterwards - the ones that barely fit into your garbage can? With Monkey's Disintegrating Pizza Boxes (MDPB's) - after you open the pizza box a timer starts - within 8 hours the box will literally disappear! So enjoy your pizza - leave the boxes on the kitchen table and in the morning - poof - they're gone!
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Wouldn't you hate to be person at the Kleenex factory that folds and puts the tissues in the boxes? Imagine if you had a bad day or were stoned at work and put just ONE tissue in the box incorrectly and a customer went to sneeze and a tissue hadn't popped up? It'd be your job son, so how about taking your job a little more seriously okay!?
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Not that the Monkey knows anything about porn - but I find it amusing that anyone over THIRTY is a "Hot Mature" woman, anyone younger than 20 is "barely legal", and women of ANY age that are wearing pigtails and a stupid uniform are "School Girls" And they can say with a straight face that a woman deepthroating 12 inches is "shy" and it's her "first time".
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I've learned that any blog with a title with mixed-up letters is USUALLY not worth reading. For example "The Monkey Cage" is going to be a decent blog - but if they call it "****tHe M0nKeY cAge***" it's going to have huge annoying graphics, stupid pop-up scripts and lame content.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped - all you "politically correct" people - I mentioned to someone once that I saw a bum on the street begging for money and they nearly had a heart attack - "They're not 'bums' they're 'homeless'" they said in disgust. I once spoke of "the Japs" on an online forum and people had heart attacks too - "They're 'Japanese' - not 'JAPS'" they cried. To all you people - fuck off.
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My cat, which hates me and I hate her - the one I have named "Osama Bin Kitty" - when my wife pets this cat it raises it's backside up and if possible sticks it right in my face, I know damned well Osama Bin Kitty is doing this on purpose. Cats are smarter than many think - this cat knows damned well what she's doing. And when I pet Bin Kitty she has to make a big production of cleaning herself afterwards wherever I touched her.
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More people that need to be pimp-slapped: People that get in the "fast lane" or "Passing Lane" of our highways and drive EXACTLY the speed limit and won't let you pass them. Damned cop - MOVE OUTTA MY WAY!!!

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 78 people who were killed in the Laurier Palace Theater in Montreal on January 9, 1927 when the theater, a firetrap, caught fire when someone dropped a lit cigarette from the balcony. Although we don't smoke in theaters anymore - you're a fool if you go into any theater even today and don't make note of where the exits are before the movie starts. Count the seats in front of you - know how to feel your way to the exits in the dark when that place is filled with toxic thick smoke fool!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "i take shits when im talking to people over the phone and tell them im opening a jar"
(And here I thought I was just catching people in the kitchen all the time! - Monkey)
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If you purposely drug your feet around the carpet in your socks and statically-shocked someone and they DIED would you be charged with murder!?
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Having kids is so much fun 5% of the time - they often say things I'm not supposed to find funny or approve of and I have to hide outright laughter. Driving the two sons to school this morning:
Youngest son (as I dropped him off in front of the school): "Oh no! I can't get out of the car yet - there's ____ and ____ over there!"
Monkey: "Who are they - are they the friendly local neighborhood bullies?"
Oldest son: "They're the friendly local neighborhood DOUCHE-BAGS"
Youngest son: "You can't say that!!"
(We watched the friendly local neighborhood douche-bags for a minute while I tried not to laugh)
Monkey: "Oh look, they're playing with a hacky sack!"
Oldest son: "They play with each other's sacks too"
I was practically choking trying not to laugh and trying to act like I didn't approve of such talk.
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They say on the box of Christmas light string "Do not connect more than two or three strings to one outlet" Ba Humbug! That to me means DOUBLE what they say - my record is 6 strings of lights on one outlet!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "The Crucifixion" (PG-17) A neighorhood tries to outdo each other at Christmas with their lights - adding string after string of lights to see who can have the house with the most lights. They compete up until Christmas Eve putting up their lights - and one man is electrocuted on Christmas Eve while putting up just one more string - he dies hanging from his roof, arms out, holding two wires. Christmas morning his body is discovered and is seen by all - as if he had been crucified - the neighbors stare up at him and say "Jesus Christ!" (2 hrs, 3 min - adult situations, nudity, Sodomy, graphic violence)
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I'm trying to learn about bra sizes. Why? Because I've never understood them - I never TRIED to understand what is meant by a "C-cup", "B-Cup", etc. I saw a lady in JC Penny the other day buying a bra and the bra was called "Almost a C" - what the...!? I know I love ALL sizes of boobs - I really do - the small, the huge, they're ALL good and beautiful - but I need to study up on how to estimate the cup size. A true perve can do this - I am envious of guys that can say "That babe over there has to be an E", etc
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What ever happened to a good ol' firing? These days no one is fired, they're "downsized" or they're part of a "re-structuring plan" or some other PC bullshit. Why can't they walk into someone's cube and scream - "You're FIRED asshole! GET OUT!!!"
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If I were a stem-cell, I think it would be great fun to go to the local library and sit down at a table, I'd then pile up books all around me and crack one open and start reading - I'd put up a sign on the table - "Quiet - Stem Cell Research In Progress"
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I'm thinking cats can't really get into oral sex with each other that easily - have you ever had a cat lick you? Their little tongues are like sandpaper! Or maybe they try it anyway? Have you ever heard cats outside having sex? They scream bloody murder. Someone please write a 1,430 word essay on "Cats & oral sex" and have it on my desk by morning. Single spaced, #2 pencil of course.
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My wife is easy to shop for - if the name of the store has "and" in it - she probably digs it - "Barnes AND Noble", "Bath AND Bodyworks", "Bed, Bath AND Beyond", "Victoria AND her Secrets". (Okay I modified the last one because I quite enjoy shopping in there!)
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Although it LOOKS like cows in fields are just standing around chewing their cud and being stupid, it's my theory that they're thinking of things like Molecular Biology and Genomics. And we drive by them, we ignorant humans, and yell at them "Mooo!" - cows must hate our ignorant human guts.
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For the last time - you waitresses and waiters out there - serve our food and SHUT UP - don't crack jokes, don't act as though we're FRIENDS - we're not - don't try and be "cute" - I don't even know you - stop your brown-nosing for tips and just serve me my food in a timely manner and you'll get a good tip - and for god's sake don't SIT DOWN at my table while you take my order you lazy bastards!
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What do you say to your youngster when he finds your bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant and wants to know what it's for?
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Every mall has 'em - and I'm wondering if when you build a mall you have to order them - every mall in America has a group of 4-5 white teenagers walking around dressed like rap gangstas - what's a mall without 'em? I've also come to understand that every city has TWO malls - one that USED to be a good mall and has gone to shit, and a NEW mall that everyone else goes to - you got your shit-mall and your new-mall in every city and town.
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Speaking of Barnes & Noble (we were) - saw a store once at night with some of the sign's lights out and it read "Barnes & Nob" - my son and I laughed until we stopped - my wife was not amused - I guess you've really got to be an immature male to appreciate some things. Sometimes I feel sorry for mature, intelligent people - they're missing out on a lot of fun in this world.

Today's blog is dedicated to all those in the past and present who may have been accidently declared dead and woke up in a coffin - which has got to be not too much fun. I'm back from my vacation and missed all of you. Not the longest blog entry in the world but I just wanted to get a post out to say that I'm back.
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Listening to the radio on my long drive, a small-town DJ says "Now it's time for some Pink Floyd" - and then he plays "Pinball Wizard" by The Who - Perhaps they don't always put the right CD's in the right cases at that station?
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Who here is old enough to remember when the television picture "rolled" and you had to play with the "Horizontal Hold" knob? Great fun that was - I had a TV that if you even LOOKED at it wrong it would "roll"
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " I have a very strange affliction. The backs of my ears start to smell like cheeseburgers after awhile. I has nothng to do with diet, excercise, stress, etc. I thought it was some sort of Pheromes that were genetically programmed in my ancestors to attract women maybe or something. Anyway, I finally told my girlfriend who doesn't particularly like cheeseburgers (and is very good looking) about it and she thinks it is hilarious. Thing is, now she catches me sniffing my fingers after rubbing the backs of my ears all the time and gives me shit about it. What gives?"
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I found myself waving to a Budweiser truck rolling down the highway as if he were a long lost friend. And then a thought crossed my mind: "I MIGHT be a redneck..."
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In a rest area along the highway I walked into the bathroom to find a turd on the floor in there! How did it get there? WHY was it there? Was this a turd that escaped from a toilet? What's the story behind this lone floor turd. I pondered that turd for many minutes. If turds could talk...
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I'm thinking we should rename crack or perhaps heroin to "Median" - this way - when we cruise down the highways we'll already have signs up that say "Keep off the median" I'm writing to members of the Government right now to see if this can be done and if they like my idea.
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A friend and I saw a nice looking young lady and he says to me "I wonder if she swallows?" - I explained to him - of COURSE she does - otherwise she couldn't even LIVE for long - a person can't live long without food and water, no matter how hot she is. He was not amused, it seems nobody likes a smartass anymore.
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The highway overpasses that have the height posted - "17 feet 3 inches" - if your truck is 17 feet 2 and a half inches tall wouldn't you be just nervous as hell going under those things at 75 mph??
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If I were a deer I'd graze in cow pastures just to piss off the cows - and then I'd make fun of them for not being able to get out of the pasture by gracefully sailing over the fence to greener pastures - I'd yell back at the cows "So long...SUCKERS!" - and then I'd probably get ran over by a Kenworth and splattered - perhaps the Kenworth driver would yell "So long...SUCKER!"
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I think if you were an angel with a halo, it could cause some troubles - for instance if you were 69'ing I'd think the halo could possibly get in the way - and I'm not sure if those halos are hot or not, but it could even burn sensitive parts of your partner. Can angels actually use their halos as sort of a sexual toy? Also if your girl were going down on you and she was an angel - do you think you could actually hold onto her halo or would that piss her off?
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My step-father used to think it was funny when we went out to eat to secretly tell one of the waiters/waitresses that it was my birthday - next thing I know there's a bunch of the wait-staff over at my table singing Happy Birthday to me - embarrassing as hell but he got a kick out of it every time.
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People who need to be pimp slapped: Those punks who drive around like idiots in the "Fast & Furious" cars - blasting their music and acting as if their cheap ugly low foreign cars are something we're supposed to be impressed with.
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I watched two movies at the hotel I stayed at - legitimate movies - I was ready to pay for them when I checked out and the guy behind the counter winks at me and says "Don't worry about the movies - no charge" WOW! If I'd known that I would've watched some of their crappy softcore porn movies!!!
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Had a brother that would wake up in the morning, come out of the bathroom scratching his ass and grabbing his talley-whacker - then he'd start digging his hand down in the cereal box for the stupid prize at the bottom of the box. I've never liked cereal or the prizes within them since.