Today's Monkey Cage Blog is dedicated to the memory of one our all-time best comics ever - W.C. Fields. (Jan 29, 1880- Dec 25th,1946) A few entries in today's blog are repeats.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "i am nowhere near attractive enough to be with my girlfriend. On the other hand she gets oral twice a day.."
(Well there ya go! Riddle solved! Case closed! - Monkey)
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My youngest son recently was sick and the doctor described some medication - suppositories - the other day I was looking in the fridge for something and saw some strange looking pill-things - "What are these!?" I ask. The older teenaged son says "Oh those are _____'s butt rockets" Where do they get this stuff - who taught him to call suppositories "butt rockets"? I was so proud of him! (but didn't let him know that of course)
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How come the older a woman gets - the bigger her jewelry gets? Costume jewelry, huge earrings, huge bracelets with giant beads the size of bowling balls... A woman's underwear becomes less and less attractive and bigger and bigger also, but luckily we don't always see that - we DO see the huge jewelry. What's with this?
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I want my obituary in the newspaper to read "Monkey died - See page 8B for more info" - and there'll BE no page 8B in the newspaper.
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Free Monkey Tip of the Day: If you have some leftover food, or some food you're not sure about how old it is - simply bring it to work and set it on the table in your breakroom. Pigs at work will eat anything! Try it - they'll eat ANYTHING!
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Monkey Invention of the Day: If one more friend or family member sends me that "Florida Voting Booth" video the Monkey will scream! Sure it was funny - but wow - at 56K I don't really care to see it being downloaded into my inbox over and over again. Monkey Labs Inc. has developed software that puts out a listing on your local hard drive of all the funnies people send around - especially the huge video ones - this software then monitors incoming emails for the attachments and if a match is found - it simply deletes the incoming message from your ISP's server and returns a message to the sender - "Hilarious! LOL! Thank you!!"
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Stupid Things the Monkey has said #231: One day at lunch I decided to visit a "24-Hour Fitness Center" near my office - thinking I could pump some iron at lunchtime. The young dude gave me the tour around the place - and we sat down at his desk - the first question I asked - "What are your hours?" (duh!)
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When girls wear pants so tight we get the wonderful "camel toe" effect - is this done on purpose!? It just makes my day to see camel toes - I LOVE 'em! - but call me naive but is it done accidently?
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I was in a bar last night with some friends - I went up to the bar to get a drink and there's a lady to the left of me drinking, and two guys to the right of the Monkey. I'm waiting for the bartender to come over and I smell URINE - like a wet nasty soggy baby's diaper! I thought it probably wasn't the woman that smelled like she'd just peed her pants - must be the two guys to my right? It was terrible! And then I listen to the conversation the two guys are engaged in:
"Yeah she had originally told me she wanted 20 port-a-potties - but when I got there to install them she comes out and tells me she wanted 15 - I was so mad!"
So that explains it all - a couple of port-a-potty installers off work over at the bar for a drink. That was the nastiest thing I think I've seen in some time. Sure they can drink like the rest of us - but maybe go home and take a SHOWER and change clothes first? And maybe DON'T talk about "the business" once you're in the bar!?
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?" you'd scream
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea Of The Day: "Brain Man" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of a man with a rare disorder that causes him to crave human brains. Follow his touching story as he begs for just a taste of human brain at mortuaries across the country, or as he listens on his scanner for reports of highway accidents. Race along with him as he speeds to the scene of the accident in the hopes of finding some brain tissue. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing BRAIN MAN.
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One day in the future we'll be able to complain to our grandkids when we take them to the movies. "Why in MY day - we only paid $5.75 for a bucket of popcorn - you kids nowadays actually pay $37.00 for popcorn!? That's an outrage!"

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 30 passengers who died (another 100 injured) on April 19th, 1940 when the train they were on in Little Falls, New York, left the tracks. The driver was exceeding the 45 mph speed limit on a curve by 14 mph. The train had been running 20 minutes late. (BTW Monkey is a guest blogger today at Jame's American Blogger - http://www.jamesshirley.com/blogger/ )
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us website: "toe rings disgust me. they seem like they could collect lots of toe jam. if i see a girl wearing one, i cross her off my to do list."
(Wow - he has a "to do list" of girls! Well now! - Monkey)
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People that need to be pimp slapped: Me - when I put the lid on my coffee mug too loosely and it falls open and coffee nearly burns my face off. There must be someone I can sue? Can I sue myself? Is there a lawyer in the cage?
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Luckily, my wife buys her "girl stuff" at Sams or Costco or some place and gets bulk stuff (enough for every girl in India) - so this doesn't happen that often - but the few times I'd had to go to the store and get her something it was no easy task. There's no aisle in Albertsons called "Girl Stuff" with only one kind of pad and one kind of tampon - oh hell no! - and it has to be extremely complicated - there's no box that simply says "Pads your wife needs" - oh HELL NO! - she wants something called "Always Maxi Super with 'flexi-wings'" Please. That sounds like some sort of monster from a horror flick doesn't it!? With WINGS!? FLEXI-wings!? I'm skeered.
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I found myself actually saying to my kids "Well back in MY day we couldn't just double-click an icon, no sir, to play something we actually had to put in a HUGE disk into our TRS-80's with GREEN text screens - we didn't have color back then - no sir, and then we had to type: "Load "*",8,1" and HOPE it worked!"
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Monkey Movie idea of the day: Lockjaw Ho (G) - the touching, heart-breaking story of a prostitute in NYC who has a medical problem that causes her jaws to involuntarily clamp shut. Watch as she struggles to make a living giving head to support her crack habit but at the same time wrestles with the turmoil of her medical problem. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing Lockjaw Ho. (2hrs 37 min)
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I wonder if you were on a prison chain-gang, but your house was just down the road from the prison, if you could ask the boss-man if you could swing by your house with the boys real quick and take care of that yard if you promised not to go inside.
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Monkey future predictions (is there another kind of prediction?): By the year 2023, Americans will be dying of Cancer at an alarming rate - millions upon millions - the cause will soon be discovered - Carbohydrates prevent cancer and these victims had been purposely lowering their carb intake during the early 2000's for diet reasons. In the year 2019, an alien UFO will crash down in Tepeka, Kansas, killing hundreds, including the alien pilot - who later ended up testing 0.35 percent blood/alchohol levels. Boone's Farm Strawberry bottle found onboard the alien craft. By the year 2097, telemarketing and spam will be officially stopped.
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If you ONLY wrote a blog for people named Fred - your comments would only be from Fred - and it could get really get confusing:
"Great blog! Is it hard to write this blog so often? Next time I'll read more - gotta run for now" - Fred
"You suck, and I had sex with your wife yesterday while you were at work and made her scream for an hour" - Fred
"Fred: well I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! Thanks! It takes a bit to get going, but once I get going on it I can just pound away! Next time stay a little longer! -Monkey
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What's your trick-or-treat policy for dealing with the older teenagers that come around later in the evening (in cars) - that don't bother to even dress up and hold out a bag? I pretend they're the magical invisible people and that I can't see them and therefore they get NOTHING! do you hear me!?: NOTHING!!!!!! If they're girls they have to at least show their tits. (ONLY JOKING - jeez!)
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Growing up, I was an unlucky Monkey - instead of the neighbors having an apple or orange tree, or something good, they had a FIG tree. Who the hell eats FIGS!? but my mother loved figs and so this neighbor would bring over figs, and MORE figs, and fig jelly, fig juice, fig pies, fig casserole, (switches to Bubba voice from Forrest Gump) she'd bring over fig sandwiches, fig stew, fig salad. That's about it. The only thing I WOULD have eaten she never made - Fig Newtons!
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Has anyone else but me noticed when blog browsing that like 7 out of 10 bloggers are teenagers in SINGAPORE? What's the deal with that? Do they teach blogging in the schools over there?
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As a kid I never understood my Mother's need to go to a cemetery and "visit" dead relatives - they're not there - they're DEAD! While she "visited", my brothers and I would walk around the cemetery and wait. She would yell at us about where we walked - "don't step on the part of the grave where the person's head is!" she would say. But when she wasn't looking we would STOMP on the part of the grave where the person's head was! I'm sure if karma works some dog will take his daily dump at my gravesite - where my head is.

Today's blog is dedicated to the near 100 million women who have undergone the barbaric and despicable process of "female circumcision" - more fittingly called Female Genital Mutilation in which This sick practice is still practiced worldwide, mainly in Asia, the Middle East and large areas of Africa. It is mainly done to "ensure the woman is faithful to her future husband" and is done on girls as young as 3 years old. Many women and girls die from this sick procedure. The Monkey is so sad this happens in this world.
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Soon enough we set our clocks back on October 28th. This is going to screw up some people I work with who are always running late and getting to work about an hour late - they're going to be ON TIME! Yikes!
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Flush Killer" (R) - the TRUE and amazing story of a 1974 crime spree in which Doug Carson of Alabama would break into houses of the elderly, wait until they were in the shower - and sneak over and flush their toilet - sending a blast of cold water to his victims which in turn usually ended up sending them into cardiac arrest or stroke - Carson would then rob them blind. Later when the police investigated, it was only assumed that the victim had a heart attack while in the shower. (2 hrs, 10 min - nudity, sexual situations, violence, drug use, sodomy)
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Monkey Invention of the Day: This invention IS only for guys who have balls but don't use them! (For example a lot of married guys I know) Monkey Ball Pocket (MBP) - with this invention, your testicles are surgically removed, leaving only a sack (it doesn't hurt and you weren't using them anyway) You can then carry anything you want - instant storage space! Use it to carry extra change, cigarettes, keys, your weed stash, sneak snacks into movies, the possibilities are endless! Sign up now!
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Speaking of hiding things in body cavities, I have a relative who works in the jail system. (Not IN the system - WORKS there - got it!?) - he tells wacky dinner-table stories of guys hiding almost anything you can think of up their backsides - drugs, weapons, even FOOD is snuck into jail! Guys in the business call this special hiding place their "meat purse" - and the inmates usually know what that means when asked "What's in your meat purse!?" Me personally, I think I'd sneak in drugs into jail in my HAND - that's right - I believe that's the last place they seem to check!
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I watch CSI enough to know those guys are good and WILL catch me if I kill someone - therefore I've decided before I leave the scene of the crime I'm going to help them out - those guys seem like great folks and they work hard - I'm going to leave behind lots of semen, urine, a stool sample, my dental records, my SSN card, fingernail clippings, skin scrapings, a tooth, hair, fingerprints, and saliva - I'll leave all of this neatly on the kitchen counter with a business card and maybe a cookie and some milk for them to snack on.
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First ever Monkey Cage entry written in Chinese:
電腦與網際網路 網際網路, 聊天室, 軟體!!!! 網際網, 網際網網際網!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us website: "This girl i know is like suicidal and depressive...and i just really wanna slap her, fuck her and make her shut up so she can see how much i care for her!"
(That sensitive man approach works every time huh? Depressed and suicidal girls just respond so well to such treatment! - Monkey)
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The Russian sub Kursk, the Titanic, the Bismarck - ships or subs that were called "unsinkable" and now rest at the bottom of the ocean. There's been many more - haven't we figured out yet that if you call a ship or a submarine "unsinkable" it's doomed?! Remind me - if I ever build a ship or sub - if someone asks me if it's unsinkable - to say "Hell NO! This thing can be sunk if you even LOOK at it wrong!"
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Women are so strange - they think that "Do you mind taking the skin bus to tonsil-town tonight honey?" isn't romantic! Go figure!
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Snow and cold here in Montana - I'm not one to nag my kids about "bundling up" - luckily nor is my wife - if they go to school half-naked and freeze that's their problem. Now the Mother-In-Law - she's one that will scream that everyone needs 3 coats, gloves, 4 hats, goggles, 8 pairs of socks, 4 boots, etc. When I know she'll be in my kitchen and can see our back deck - I make sure to go out there and walk around in my bare feet - I leave plenty of bare foot prints out on the deck in the snow for her to see later. Seeing bare feet prints in the snow will cause her to loose her mind - her mind will completely blow a gasket. I'll let you know how it turns out.
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People that need to be pimp slapped: People that leave a movie theater and just leave behind their trash on the floor. Screw you lazy bastards - pick it up and take it out to the lobby and dump it - the ushers usually have an empty trash bin at the exit just for that purpose.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 296 men killed in the battle of Olustee, Florida (The only Civil War battle fought in Florida).
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If your name was Gary Whiz - would people call you "G. Whiz"? (Okay bear with me - I'm just getting started and need more coffee)
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I was at a company party the other night - you know how those things are - people acting the fool, getting drunk, saying and doing things they'll regret later, booze and drugs flowing freely - and it was held at a restaurant. A girl from the company comes up to the restaurant window, drunk as hell, and flashes her boobs at the whole restaurant. That was great and I appreciated it - but she HAS no boobs - she's built like a 10 year old boy! WHY? Why do the girls with bad or NO tits always flash them? Does that make any sense? Someone please explain this to the Monkey in 5,000 words or less, double-spaced with one-inch margins on bond paper and have it on my Monkey desk by morning.
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I once thought I'd try "herbal tea" and actually bought some - and you know what - I felt like a total fag doing that. And I felt like a total fag drinking "Sleepy Time" herbal tea. I was in the U.S. Navy for crying out loud - we drank coffee so thick and nasty it warped the actual space-time fabric of the universe! Navy coffee would actually suck light into it, so thick it had layers! I had one cup of this herbal tea and tossed the rest. I looked at the box - there was actually a picture of a teddy bear in his pajamas sitting sipping this stuff. PLEASE don't tell anyone I tried herbal tea! Please?
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Do you remember back when flight-attendants were all young and beautiful and they were called stewardesses? Now most look like divorced, bitter, bar-hag alcoholics in their 50's and 60's with too much make-up and they're called "flight attendants". (By the way - "stewardesses" is the longest english word you will type that uses only your left hand)
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I think if you were a gangster and you were sent to whack someone and you actually hit them in the head with a rolled up newspaper with a huge loud WHACK sound that your boss may not be very amused, especially if they had to explain to you what whacking meant and make you go out and do it right.
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The amazing mysterious blog entry written in an invisible font is being developed by Monkey Labs, Inc. - this next entry is a test of this invisible font - please don't adjust your monitor - it's still in testing:
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nd w the
s if a .
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Took a tire in to get repaired and the mechanic repaired it and brought it out to me - "You know buddy, this tire has some very thin tread on it - you may want to start thinking about getting a new one". Who the HELL does he think HE is? I wanted to say "Your friggin' HAIR is lookin' pretty thin too BUDDY - you may want to start thinking about the Hair Club for Men" You don't insult a man's TIRE!
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Guys have you ever seen the writings on bathroom walls that say "Will do oral, be here at 1PM on Sunday May 4th for service"? (Only not quite in those words) - have you ever been in the bathroom and read that and looked down at your watch and found it to BE 1PM on Sunday on May 4th? Yikes!
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I keep telling my son who spends a lot of time online - "I better be able to look through the browser's history file after you get offline if I so desire and see where you've been - and I better not find an EMPTY history file after you're done either!" I wonder if he ever notices that his dad clears out the history file every now and again too! Wink wink! Is the Monkey a hypocrite?
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I've requested of my wife that if I ever retire and buy an RV and start driving around the country staying at RV parks with other retired RV people, and putting RV Park stickers on the back of my RV from around the country that she is to wait until I'm sleeping and push a dull steak knife through my left eyeball and twist it until my brains are scrambled and hide my body in the RV park's septic tank.
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People who need to be pimp slapped - when you're washing your car out in the driveway there's always one clown who CANNOT resist pulling up and yelling out of his car window - "Wanna wash my car next?" - and then will burst out into stupid laughter. Move on clown, move on.
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My son's friend's just don't understand that I insist on proper phone etiquette - here's how it works almost every time they call:
Monkey: "Hello?"
Teenaged punk: "Is Mark there?"
Monkey: "Yes he is"
(9 seconds of complete silence)
Monkey: "OH! I'm sorry - Did you want to SPEAK TO HIM?"
Teenaged punk: "yeah."
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I'll go to my monkey grave not ever understanding how people can use "handkerchiefs" - how can you blow your nose into a piece of cloth and then stick it back into your pocket and do the same thing later? How disgusting can you be? Why not also have a piece of cloth in your pocket and every time you wipe your backside use that - then fold it back up and put it in your pocket? Why not?
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Monkey Blog idea of the day: I think we should have a "Reverse Blog Day" - what happens on this day is the readers of blogs actually WRITE the blog entries in the COMMENTS - and the blogger will respond with comments in the blog itself. For instance you Monkey Cage readers will try and do Monkey-style blog entries in the comments one day (You know how the Monkey thinks - you can do it!) - and there'll even be a prize for the reader with the most Monkey-like entry (I get to pick!)

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 6,000 people in Japan who were killed outright when an earthquake struck on October 28, 1891. 30 seconds later not only were six thousand dead, but one thousand died of injuries in the following weeks - 17,000 more were seriously harmed and 20,000 buildings were flattened.
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Anyone ever read that agreement that pops up when you're installing software? Or do you go right to the "Agree" button and click it - I'm guilty of the latter - there's no telling what I've agreed to - I scroll down and click "agree". I've probably given away my first born, all my money, etc. I'm expecting a letter from any number of software companies any day now demanding the $4,520,123 I agreed to pay them.
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I have found that something interesting and fun about cereal; particularly the Cocoa chocolate flaky cereal or Rice Crispies - when a bonehead in my house (like one of my kids) doesn't rinse the cereal bowl and the cereal sits in the bowl and dries out - it's almost impossible to get off the bowl - it sticks to the bowl as if it were cemented on there! Now that's got me thinking perhaps it's time someone build a house out of Cocoa Crispies or Rice Crispies - it'd be strong as hell - get to work!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her."
(Jeez - picky picky picky!!! - Monkey)
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Do you think they'll be a huge line at the toy stores this Christmas of people wanting to get Furbies?
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Monkey silly movie idea of the day: "All in One" (R) - since so many movie-goers crave senseless violence and sex - this one's for you! A young man is called to his beautiful neighbor's house where she begs him to climb up a tree and rescue her kitten. To encourage him, she screws his brains out in every way imaginable for the first hour of the movie, she calls over a neighbor and they have a threesome, there is oral, back door action, the works - it's good, wholesome, old-fashioned gratuitous sex - an hour's worth! In the second hour of the movie he finally goes outside and climbs the tree to rescue the cat, but, once at the top, he falls, enter the senseless violence and gore. This man hits every tree limb possible in his fall -his eyes are gorged, his head is smashed, he breaks every limb in his body, organs are ripped out by sharp limbs - good, wholesome, old-fashioned gratuitous violence - an hour's worth! (run time 2hrs 3 min)
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When I was a kid my brother's and I would crawl through pipes - drainage pipes mainly - we were young and stupid enough to make this work. We even crossed entire highways through tunnels. Back then I used to wonder if there was a way to cross the entire United States - all underground - all through pipes. Have any of my readers done this by chance?
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I couldn't work as an airport baggage handler back behind the baggage claim belt - behind those swinging doors - there'd be way too many temptations and I'd be gone. Some ideas:
1) I'd start and stop the baggage belt every 4 pieces of luggage
2) I'd put out ALL identical bags
3) I'd toss on the belt random items of skimpy lingerie and an occasional sex toy
4) I'd take OFF one or two bags each time the belt came through - and later put them back.
I'd be sure to be fired - BUT - for at least ONE day the people standing and watching for their luggage would have a laugh and maybe even a more interesting day - so it'd be worth it.
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Some women it seems - my wife included - have a strange problem where they ask QUESTIONS when they really mean to TELL. luckily I know when this is happening - but if I didn't, it would go something like this:
Wife: "Do you want to help me with dinner tonight honey?"
Me: "Hmm - well, no. But thanks for asking!"
Wife: "EXCUSE ME!?"
Me: "Oh..umm...I thought you just asked me if I wanted to help you with dinner?"
Wife: "*&$#* *$%&*&$ %&$$%*!!!!!"
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"Have you lost your MIND!?" We've heard this question a lot in our lives - and if you really stop to think about this question - it's kind of weird isn't it? If you DID lose your mind would you even be able to answer that question? Also I've never heard anyone answer "yes" to that question. Have you ever walked through a home for the severely mentally deranged and asked any of them "Have you lost your MIND!?" And to make things even more confusing where I'm from (down South) - some folks even say "Have you lost your cotton-pickin' MIND?"

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the more than 1,300 people killed near Hue, 325 miles north of Saigon, on September 25, 1953 when a a typhoon swept across a ninety-mile section of the central coast of Vietnam. Some of today's blog entries are repeats.
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My mother-in-law needed help on her computer (as always) - I had to set up a new one for her - turns out she didn't remember her password to get into her ISP - knowing her, and on a hunch, I tried the default password of "WELCOME" - it worked - she'd never changed it. She didn't see a problem with having it as "WELCOME". Later she said she did NOT want her update-software going out and checking for Windows updates during the night because "I think maybe hackers could get into my computer if I'm asleep and it dials out to do this - I can't take that chance"
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Older Saturday Morning cartoon watchers - Did anyone watch "Shazam!" when you were young? I admit - I did - and even as a kid I was suspicious of the entire situation - an older man traveling around with a MUCH younger "friend" in a winnebago. Come on now! But I sat through it - because after Shazam! came "Oh Mighty Isis! (Isis Isis Isis!)" - and wow - even as a young monkey she would give me an Oh Mighty Woody (woody woody woody..)!!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " I clip my nails indoors, without regard to where the clippings fly."
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Monkey future predictions: In the year 2103, the Earth will be so overpopulated that governments - including the US Government - will have to start killing people - the good news - you'll get a date set for which they'll kill you - they may give you 20 years, they may give you 70 - but it'll be rare for someone to die naturally - instead you will be born with a government-determined date of death. In the year 2017 a girl in India will be born with a vagina on her head. By the year 2010, when you're having sex, you'll turn on a microphone in your bedroom - so will thousands of others having sex - and there's a station you tune into on the radio dial or the internet when you can just listen to anonymous people having sex and you're not - this station won't last long. In the year 2004, my son will learn how to hang up his wet towel and not throw it on the floor after getting out of the shower. In the year 2017 a boy in India will be born with a penis on his head.
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My Mother-In-Law watches her "Lifetime Network" station and her "Court TV" station and has her volume SO loud that I'm seriously thinking of calling NASA and paying one of their astronauts to call her the next time they're up and say "Turn that shit down!!!!"
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I used to say to my mother when she told me to make my bed - "But WHY?! When I go to bed tonight it's just going to get messed up again!" She'd answer - "Because it looks nice and I SAID to make it!" The other day I told my teenaged son to make his bed one morning - "But WHY?! When I go to bed tonight it's just going to get messed up again!" he said. I just answered "Because it looks nice and I SAID to make it!" (Hey - why not - that answer's been working for years!!!) One day he too can give this answer.
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I don't think I could work in a post-office - at least for very long. I think it'd be huge fun to fly a different state flag under the American flag each day - just to see how many people would notice. I'm thinking MOST people wouldn't even notice.
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Blogs I'd like to see: "Ghost Blog" - A blog written by a ghost in an old, haunted, deserted house
June 21: Scared the dog poop out of a young kid walking down the sidewalk today - all I did was stand in the upstairs window! What a buffoon!
June 20: Threw around some chairs up in the attic! Tee hee!
June 19: Around midnight I screamed as loud as I could - saw lights all over the neighborhood come on - and people peeking out their windows and looking over this way
June 18: Couldn't sleep well today - took some chains from the basement and drug them up and down the stairs until I got sleepy - that's tough work!
June 17: Practiced moving tables - it's hard work - but it's what people expect from ghosts every now and again and I'm here to serve. I can move a card table 7 inches now.
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The best part of getting one of those Bow-Flex machines that are advertised in 20 minute commercials on TV? When you quit using it after 2 weeks, just think of all the clothes and towels you could hang on it on all those bow things! It'd be like a whole 'nother closet!
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When I was a kid my best friend's divorced swinger type 70's father would scare me. Their bathroom was covered in BLACK SHAG CARPET and MIRRORS - everywhere a mirror in that bathroom. When you went to pee you'd see about 70 mirrored images of your talley-whacker from every different angle. What was the purpose of this? Was it for him? For his rare female visitors? I'm older now and realize that MOST women aren't thrilled with the way they look - and I'm doubtful most women want to see themselves naked from 70 different angles. (Paris Hilton excluded)

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Carl E. Andersen, 72, of Connecticut died at home Saturday, October 9, following an illness. You probably didn't know Carl - I didn't either - but he was a real person and I'm sure he was loved by many. So long Carl.
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I thought of something (on my own) that is inspiring - I think anyway There IS a limit to how poor you can be - there is NO limit on how rich you can be! Isn't that cool? We can be DIRT poor - have NOTHING at ALL - not even any clothes - no money, no love, no family, terrible health, no food - nothing - and that's as poor as we can BE - it can't get any worse! But being rich - the sky's the limit! - we can get more money than Gates and keep going!
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I'm still amazed that my wife and her friends will be bad-mouthing some guy and say he's "got a little pee-pee" - they claim they can TELL just by the way the guy ACTS! Discuss amongst yourselves as to whether this is true. I mean sure if a guy is a huge gun-collecting freak, has a big dog and a huge truck - he has the signs of being insecure about his manliness - but can we really tell by the way a guy acts if he has a little penis? You don't know me other than as your friend Monkey - so why would I lie - I have a big one - but as far as I can tell this doesn't change the way I act on a daily basis (other than perhaps I'm a little happier?) I'm proud of it for sure - please discuss and write a 17,000 word essay on penis size vs. the way a man behaves and have it on my desk by Saturday morning at 6:14 AM. (use a No. 2 pencil and show all of your work)
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You know what word is just beautiful sounding - "Vulva" - it's pretty and conjures up nice images. For such a beautiful word how come we don't have more kids named Vulva? I've yet to meet ONE girl named Vulva!
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People who need to be pimp slapped: I've nominated this person before - and I'll do it again - a big pimp slap to the person or persons in TV world who decided that EVERY channel must have their graphic/logo in the corner the whole time, and a HUGE pimp slap to the fool or fools that thought it would be cute to have graphics at the bottom of the screen advertising other shows - graphics that are HUGE and move around to distract you from what you're watching - to tell you about something else that's on!
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Note to self: Kick the dog out of the bedroom when the Monkey is getting lucky - Is there anything more upsetting than to be in the bedroom going at it and the dog farts and stinks up the whole room and you have to stop what you're doing and start nearly gagging? Eating at the Y and the dog bombs the room is NOT a good thing.
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My favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : "Once in 8th grade Computer Literacy class I switched monitor cables with this kid who was not to bright a couple of computers down from me. He came in and turned on his computer. I typed, "Brett. This is God". He turned off the computer to reboot it, but the monitor stayed on.
"Brett. Don't shut off the lord", I typed. It was hilarious."
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Do you know any "Masters of the obvious"? My Mother-in-law is one - I let the dog outside to pee and it's raining outside - she comes in the room and looks out the window and says "You know, the dog is outside". I say "Yep". She then adds "You know, It's raining out there". I say "Yep." Her next profound statement "You know, before you know it, winter will be here" I say "Sure enough" She then adds "You know, when the temperatures start getting below freezing this rain will freeze and we'll have snow or ice" Please - someone come get her - someone come take her far, far away!
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Monkey invention of the day: "Toilet Spray" - tired of cleaning stains off of your toilet? Monkey Labs has invented "Monkey Toilet Spray" (MTS) - if you see stains in the toilet - simply spray over it - the spray comes out nice and white and pretty - looks just like real porcelain! Don't clean - PAINT away stains! (Also works on bathroom sinks and white cars)
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My wife won't let me have a "uni-brow" - she grabs the scissors from the bathroom drawer and cuts away at anything growing there. She's also so evil that she won't let any hair grow in my ears! Can you imagine? I've told her and told her - "Winter is coming here in Montana - it's GOOD to have hair in my ears!" - but she'll not hear it. Why are women so evil? I'm thinking maybe divorce?
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Before cordless phones and cell phones, my mother had one of those super-long phone cords - she could literally go to any room of our house and beat the living hell out of me or my brothers and still carry on a conversation with her friends and her voice wouldn't even change. Her friends probably wondered what the screaming was all about though. She also had one of those stupid "Phone Rest" things that attached to the handset so she didn't have to use her hands.
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Are you familiar with those little white spacer looking things they put in pizza boxes to keep the top of the box off the pizza? They look like little white tables - I hate throwing those away - they just look so USEFUL - but HOW I'm not sure. Is there a little tiny family out there that could use a new dining room table? Anyone?
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We all talk about someone getting beaten like a red-headed stepchild. "I'll beat you like a red-headed step child!" we say. I'd love to hear from any readers out there who ARE a red-headed step-child - please tell the world - why are you guys beaten so much? I've got to know!

Regular Monkey Cage readers know that the Monkey dedicates every blog to the memory of a person or persons who have passed away and are no longer with us - and so today's blog is dedicated to the memory of all you pathetic losers who sit in those gas station "casinos" wasting your life away playing the video poker machines, Keno, Bingo, etc. Yep you're as good as dead and you guys usually look dead too. Sad part is - it's probably not even YOUR money you're in there blowing during the DAY when you should be at a JOB - it's probably someone else's money or the taxpayer's money. You're the walking dead - this blog's for you. A very special thanks to James, a nice Monkey-Cage reader, who created the new fancy banner you see up top - thanks James!
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I have a theory that if you went around in your everyday speech using made-up big-sounding fancy words, you'd get away with it - because 95% of the people are too proud to actually stop you and say "That word you used - I've never heard it - what does it mean?" So go ahead - make up your own words, impress ignorant people. Substitute big made-up words for regular adjectives. Don't say - "Gosh that car sure is going super fast" - instead say "Gosh that car is going obstituously fast!" - people will never call your vocabulary bluff. If they do, just tell them they're being errandliously stuperfictiatious and you've got no time for limmod people.
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A lady at worked made some pink enchiladas - very yummy - the ladies were all sitting and eating it - speaking of how it was pink and the Salmon sauce that made it pink - and the Monkey brain started rolling - and before I could catch myself I said - "Hmmmmmmhhmm - a pink TACO would be good about now". Now if it had been a table full of GUYS I'd have been a hero and not a zero - and we'd all would've laughed about it - but because it was all ladies they acted as though I were the nastiest, vile man on the face of the earth and they start their "Ewwww!" stuff and I ruined yet ANOTHER conversation with my immature perverted sexual thoughts. I love women - but lighten UP will ya!?
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Perhaps my brain IS like that of a neanderthal or even a.....monkey? I can remember when going to the video arcade and playing video games became a drag - it's when the numbers went up - the only games I ever played had TWO buttons - 1) a MOVE or JUMP button 2) a FIRE button - what else could we need in a video game? And the machines took ONE quarter. Get it - two buttons - one quarter. Almost overnight the video arcade games turned into machines that had MULTIPLE buttons and took two or MORE quarters! Did I get stupid, or perhaps older?
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Do you think my wife would think I was (more of) a pervert if I wanted her to dress for bed in a nice little frilly white sunday church dress, and wear those little patent-leather super shiny girl shoes with some bobby-socks?
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My Mother-In-Law spent a LOT of money on a huge nice fancy Dell machine - flat-screen huge monitor on a swivil, tons of drive space, DVD-burner, the works. What's she do with it? She plays Solitaire and every now and again emails someone.
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My favorite prediction from today's http://grouphug.us : " I believe Tupac was very wise beyond his years and I am a 30-something year old white woman. How does that grab you, fuckers?"
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Remember when YOU the computer-owner used to TELL your computer when it was time for updates and new software and not the other way around? Computers these days tell US when THEY feel it's time for an update! Mind your own business computer!! I punish my computer when it asks for newer versions of software by telling it "No - just for being intrusive as punishment you can SUFFER by running an older version for another YEAR Mr. Smarty Pants! I also believe there should be another option when the computer asks for new software - I only see choices of "Yes - update this version", also I see "I'll upgrade later" and there's usually a choice of "No thanks"
- where's the option of
"No thanks I can't upgrade your software because I'm running a pirated or hacked version in the first place and am not a true paying customer and therefore deserve no upgrades or updates"
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: Those that forward on emails of jokes - and the first 15 screens are the headers of others who have emailed the joke around. If people these days can't use a mouse to highlight junk and hit the delete key before sending emails it should be pimp-slap city.

Today's Monkey Cage Blog is dedicated to the memory of the 322 convicts who were burned to death when the Ohio State Penitentiary caught fire on April 21, 1930. The Monkey's been a busy boy these days - and unfortunately had no new blog for today - so instead I leave some older monkey thoughts and entries. Please don't be mad.
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I hear white people say about someone: "He can kiss my white ass!" - and I hear blacks saying: "Kiss my black ass" - I'm wondering - if you're white chances are pretty good you're going to have a white ass - and if you're black, the odds of you having a black ass are pretty good - I don't think we really need to clarify our ass color when we tell someone to kiss it.
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My lawn was nice and green and lush - then I started spraying weed-killer - now my yard is brown and nasty - turns out there wasn't much grass in the first place - just weeds. Now I miss 'em.
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In real life, lesbians are not always drop-dead beautiful. Real life is no fun at all.
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This one ain't a pretty story: A guy I used to party with in the Navy had a wife that didn't trust him - and word around the campfire was that every time he came home at night from partying she would make him pull out his Johnston and she'd smell it - she could tell where it'd been. You probably didn't want to hear that but you did - it ain't pretty in the Monkey Cage sometimes.
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Am seeing more and more women with their hair dyed bright pink - I think it looks pretty cool - but dammit I can't look at a woman like that without wondering about her bush being the same color - and if it is - VERY cool - like cotton candy - yummy - I LOVE cotton candy!! So those pink-haired chicks make the monkey think of sex AND eating and a combination of both of those, at the same time! Thanks pink-haired ladies!
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You kids nowadays - SPOILED! Why when you kids need a quick pick-me-up by golly you just march down to the corner store and pick up one of those newfangled super-high caffeine energy drinks - Red Bull, RockStar, Amp, no sir, we had to go out in the street, barefoot, march ourselves up hill, both ways, usually in the snow, find someone dealing, and buy speed. No sir we weren't spoiled back then.
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Is it a REQUIREMENT that if you work in a computer store selling computers and equipment that you've got to be a snobby pretentious jerk?
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I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points
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There's something that turns me on hearing a woman say the word "panties" - what is THAT about?!
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Isn't it odd how different things bother different people? My wife can't STAND to see a guy with those hair implants - she says it grows out of their heads in ROWS like a doll's hair! I must not pay attention - I'd never notice such a thing
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Speaking of writing on bathroom walls. (We were - try and keep up!) - I have a theory that there's probably more writing on women's room walls than men's rooms. Why? Because I believe most women probably have their purses with them in the bathroom - which probably contains a writing instrument. But then again - women aren't as immature as us men so maybe this theory is no good.
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Is it me or are pregnant women just one of the most beautiful creatures on Earth!? Do all men feel this way or just the monkey? I'm not talking about some sort of fetish thing or a sexual thing - I just see a pregnant woman and it does things to my heart. They're just so wonderful and special and beautiful. Is it inborn in men to just want to take care of pregnant women - is that it? What makes a pregnant woman so friggin' beautiful!?

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of one of my heros - Mr. Rodney Dangerfield, who died at the age of 82 from a stroke and other complications following heart valve replacement surgery. Goodbye Rodney - we will miss you and we respect you.
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I think if you were a cowboy, and out riding the range - you'd get into trouble very quickly if ALL you did was the cowboy stuff and never minded the cattle. For instance if you only sat around a fire eating beans and singing songs, while the cattle wondered off or got rustled - I'd think you'd be in hot water with the boss when you got back to the ranch.
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The monkey remembers: When you couldn't throw a rock without hitting a Kiss fan (the band) - they were SO huge - my kids now listen to Kiss and they ask me - "WHY?!" - "WHY was Kiss so big back then - they SUCK!" Gosh - it's hard to explain to them.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Kentucky Wedding Blues" - the touching true story of Bobby-Rae Robertson, who in 1972 in Kentucky broke with all tradition and refused to marry his sister and fell in love with a girl down the street - someone ELSE'S sister - messing up not only ONE family, but TWO. Watch as the locals try to "convince" Bobby-Rae that he better get with the program. (3 hrs, 42 min; extreme violence, sodomy, drug use, graphic language, adult situations)
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If a magical, wonderful genie came and gave the Monkey three wishes - ONE of my wishes (besides world peace and all that BS) would be that more cartoon rules were applied to real life - for instance I wish like hell that when we humans are in the dark, our eyes would be lit up like they are in the cartoon world. I would send most of my life in the dark laughing at people's eyes - or sneaking up on people in the dark.
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I've seen some theories about JFK getting shot in Dallas - I've even been to Dealey Plaza and stood on the grassy knoll where it happened. I have formulated my OWN theory, based on extensive research and investigation I did in the 10 minutes I was there. I believe JFK was killed by an asteroid that fell from space. Go ahead - laugh - the evidence is there - or will be there by the time I create it. Oswald was up in the book suppository with a rifle - yes - but he was HUNTING for deer - I've lived in Texas - deer hunters are insane - and if they thought they could kill a deer from up in sixth floor book suppository window they'd BE THERE waiting - it had nothing to do with Kennedy's visit.
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So many Uncles molest their nephews and nieces that I'm calling for ALL Uncles to be arrested and put away behind bars - TONIGHT - let's get proactive on this!
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My favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : "I was at the grocery store and threw something in a garbage can there -- but it bounced off and fell on the floor. I could not resolve to pick it up and do it again (I'm germophobic). To the employee who's gonna do it for me: thanks and I'm sorry for being such a mental fuck."
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: Teachers who assign SO much homework to my son (who is a straight-A student) - this kind of BS turns him OFF to school - he cried tonight because he has about 3 hours worth of homework - the kids who DON'T give a damn about their grades simply don't DO the homework and are happy with their bad grades - but because my son cares about his grades he is compelled to do the work - so he comes home from school and works until bed time again - at his age this isn't right.
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Discuss amongst yourselves the old wise saying "if it smells like fish, eat all you wish. if it smells like cologne, leave it alone!" Discuss how this piece of advice could be true, or if you don't believe it - discuss how it's not true. Please show all of your work and double-space. 16,000 word minimum on this project.
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Monkey Invention of the day: A blog-commenting system that incorporates a spell-checker.
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Why are there no really ugly women working in the make-up departments at the major department stores? They're all beautiful - it can't be just the makeup can it? Some women even with make-up can still be homely. As the saying goes - "You can't polish a turd" I would like to see a documentary made with a hidden camera where really really unattractive women apply for jobs at the makeup counters in some of these stores and see what happens. I'll start work on this documentary right away.
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My two sons share the same bathroom ("The boys bathroom") - one will take a huge dump and clog up the toilet - then WALK away and pretend they don't know it's clogged so they don't have to actually get the plunger and fix it. Then I'll walk in there and see the toilet clogged up and raise holy hell - "SOMEBODY better get in here NOW and un-clog this toilet!" I'll yell. Both of them will say - "I didn't do it!" - one even comes in there and glances into the toilet - "It's not MINE!" he yells to the other one. I tried not to laugh - how can he tell this by looking at it?
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If I were a jellyfish I would learn to walk - to hold my breath and actually leave the ocean - and then I would walk up and down the beach - trying to hug people and watching them run away from me.

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of those forty-one people who died in a horrible streetcar wreck on the forth of July in 1900 in Tacoma, Washington. The streetcar lost control while descending a steep street. A dozen people jumped wildly from the streetcar as it plummeted down the hill. Some on board tossed their children from the windows. The motorman leaped from the streetcar a moment before it catapulted into the air, turned over and landed upside down, it's heavy wheels crashing through the floor and crushing a dozen people to death.
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Stupid Alarm clocks - why don't they KNOW we mean AM instead of PM - come on! Why must I wake up late in the morning because I set the clock for 5 PM instead of AM? Come on stupid clock - you ought to KNOW what I mean! Do you REALLY think I wanted to sleep until 5 PM!?!? It's time clocks got some brains! (Because mine is missing) Monkey labs is going to invent a SMART alarm clock - if you're going to bed and set your clock for 5 PM the clock will have a voice and calmly say - "Gosh Monkey - are you sure? You usually get up at 5 AM not 5 PM!" (An even simpler and better idea is just to use 24-hour time (or "Military time") like a lot of the world does already)
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Driving around - the monkey has come to the conclusion that many people in their cars think they're INVISIBLE! Folks with their fingers up their noses are out driving around - they truly must believe that their car has some sort of force field around it and we can't see them?
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us : " every so often, at a certain angle in a certain light, I think my reasonably pretty girlfriend looks like a monkey."
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Do you ever look at your smoke-detectors and wonder if they're really not cameras in each room filming your every action? Better go check those out - I'll wait here.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: We have water and electricity coming to our houses (most of us anyway) - the next step - mail and other deliveries will come to our houses through a big underground pipe system. Order something online? Check your delivery chute in your house - it'll be there soon enough. Works through a system of underground miniature railway. The entire delivery system will be complete in 2014.
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I know a girl with a less-than-average pretty face and a killer body - and there's another girl with a beautiful face but she's got the body of a 10 year old boy. Wouldn't it be great if they could trade bodies and heads? There may be a way to do that. Right?
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Yearbook Wizard (R) - the story of a boy who writes rude comments next to people's pictures in his yearbook - "Dweeb", "Slut", "Druggie", "Jerk", "Idiot", etc. by his classmates pictures. And by some teacher's pictures "Death", "Ran over by a train", etc. (You know the routine - you did it too!) Only problem is - whatever he writes in his yearbook comes TRUE within a year - and he discovers he has the power to change lives simply by scribbling in his year book. (1hr, 3 min)
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: Those that repeat back to you what you just said - my favorite:
Person: "Have you seen the movie ______?"
Me: "No - I sure haven't"
Person: "You've NEVER SEEN ________!?!?"
Pimp-slap!!!
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Update: I love cats - have always loved them and had them - and they love me. Until my wife got "Osama Bin Kitty" - (not the cat's real name but that's what I call her) - Osama Bin Kitty hates me for some reason - the other night my wife and I visited a friend who has a cat who loves me - cuddles with the monkey - loves me. We came home and my wife and I were laying in bed and I was bitching - "I don't understand why your cat hates me so - I love cats and would never hurt her - it really makes me sad." - and no kidding - Osama Bin Kitty got up, came right up to my face, and gave me three little licks on my nose and walked off again!
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Wake up calls: My mother would stand in the bedroom door and say "Up and at 'em!" - which still makes me cringe if I hear someone say that. In the Navy they'd say "Wakey Wakey! Hands off Snakey!" - and the other day I heard another variation: "Wakey Wakey - eggs and bakey"! I am a little less original with my own kids - I tend to say "time to wake up" - not very original huh?
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My family LOVES it when there's a power outage, and I go around secretly and turn on every light, TV, radio, stereo, game, etc in the house - with full volumes. It makes for some fun times when the power does come back up. My family pretends they're angry about it - but deep down I think they're laughing.

Today's blog is some repeated Monkey silliness - I'm sorry about the repeats - been super busy these last couple of days - will get back with my loyal readers soon enough. Hope everyone's having a great weekend SO FAR!
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"I get off on 57 Chevys.." - (Eric Clapton - I've Got a Rock And Roll Heart) Mr. Clapton: Do you have any idea how much that will damage a paint job?
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It might be worth it to live in a trailer, be a teenager, and have a sister - JUST so that when your parents say - "Monkey take out the trailer trash please" - you could go over and grab your sister and try and throw her out the door.
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We'll be able to tell our grandkids - "Why *I* remember when the web first started - we called it "The World-Wide Web" - there was no Google, most web-pages had black text, grey backgrounds, and blue links - we had no pop-ups, we had no banner ads - those were the simple days"
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Silly Monkey Movie Of the Week: AUTO-RESPONSE (PG-17) - A man in his office in Hickory, NC sets up an auto response for incoming emails "I'm away on vacation - back soon" - a man in Livingston, MT emails this man in NC and then he too goes on vacation - switching on his auto-response email - "I'm away - leave a message" - the NC man's computer auto-responds to the auto-response email from MT - and then the one in MT auto-responds to the auto-response, which replies to the auto-response which triggers an auto-response to an auto-response from the auto-response of the auto-response and the auto-response..... (1 hr, 9 min)
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My wife has an evil cat - a cat which I call "Osama Bin-Kitty" - I'm confused about some things - since Osama Bin-Kitty hates me and only loves my wife - why is it that *I* am the one that changes Bin-Kitty's litter box? Why? Shouldn't someone that LOVES HER be changing her litter box? And each time I go to her nasty stinkin' litter box to change it - there's NEVER a tip in there for me - just cat poop. I keep thinking that one day she'll leave at least maybe a five-dollar bill in there as a tip - nothing. CAT POOP is what I get from Osama Bin-Kitty - and no respect...and evil looks.
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I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
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I'm thinking in bedrooms across America guys are saying - "Honey - not ONLY is it good for your skin and complexion, not only is it high in protein, but there's ZERO carbs - yep - you heard me - it's Atkin's friendly!"
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People I'd like to pimp-slap: People that leave IRONING BOARDS set up around the house - and as if that's not bad enough - start to use it as a TABLE - putting books and papers and movies and JUNK on top of it! Arrrghh!
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Wacky Monkey Invention of the Day: The Monkey Anti-Porn-Surfing keyboard. (MAPSK) - this keyboard will detect when someone is typing with only one hand (You can change the settings for left or right-handers) - when one-handed typing is detected, the computer will sound an voice-alarm "ALERT! Someone is wanking! ALERT! Someone is wanking!" and shut itself down.
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Wouldn't it be great to walk up and slap the living hell out of someone and scream in their face - "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" When they get upset and confused you just say - "You were WAY out of control man - what's wrong with you!?"
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Women - who can understand them - my wife doesn't like it when I call her "my crack ho" - go figure - I'm only trying to be romantic.
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I don't know much about the female reproductive system (other than it's great fun for everyone!), but I've always dreamed of making a documentary on birth and the womb - just so I could call it "The Living Womb"
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Family Tradition: In my house here's how it works - my wife and I say "TONIGHT we're gonna sit down and pay those bills!" - that night we don't - the next morning "We've GOT to sit down after work and pay those bills!" - that night - TV and computer. The next morning - "No matter WHAT we're paying bills tonight!" - that night - we watch a movie. The next morning, we say....