The
Monkey CageSeptember twenty-nine, two-thousand and 4
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 350 people who were almost instantly drowned on March 12-13, 1928 in San Francisquito Valley, California when the St. Francis Dam burst and sent 38,000 acre-feet of water into the valley.
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Monkey Movie idea of the day: "Detention" (PG-17) - the touching story of Roy Ellison, who is assigned a two hour, 14 minute in-school-suspension - watch as Roy watches the clock on the wall. (2 hrs, 14 min) (Graphic nudity, sexual situations, drug use, adult language)
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Favorite confession from todays http://grouphug.us: "I'm the leader of the crips.
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Monkey readers know - one of the things the Monkey likes to do more than any other is eating at the Y. And one of my proudest moments was that I actually got to engage in this wholesome fun hobby in the back of a limo - yep - in the back of a limo - was it nice - helllll yeah. Did the limo driver see us? Don't know - don't care.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: SOMEONE out there gets something really cool or interesting, and instead of just emailing it to their friends and family they have to add some hokey thing about "Send this to 10 of your friends - don't break the chain - keep it moving" SHUT UP with that - just send out good stuff and leave it at that!
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When you go to a male friends house and see their computer - especially a relative - do you have to wonder if they've been riding the porn highways on that machine and doing the one-handed surfing routine? I don't really care for using other's home computers.
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Blogs I'd like to see: More of the "World's Biggest Sexual Pervert Blog":
Aug 04 2004: Paid a prostitute to come to my house dressed as a kangaroo and stick a Barbie Doll's head up my backside while she sang the National Anthem.
Aug 05 2004: Poured pickle juice all over myself and then played with myself while looking at Reader's Digest back issues in the bathtub
Aug 06 2004: Called a phone sex line and had the lady at the other end pretend she was deaf - "What? Who's there? Hello?"
Aug 07 2004: Discovered that I like to stick it into boiling hot coffee right as I orgasm while wearing a waitress outfit.
Aug 08 2004: Paid a street lady to come over and spank me while berating me in Big Bird's voice from Sesame Street - later had her spray Pam All-Natural Butter Flavored cooking spray on my testicles - not such a good idea and will not do this again.
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Monkey predictions: In the year 2032, a man named Ross will be born in Alabama - Ross will speak Chinese perfectly from birth and China will proclaim him king - China will be ruled by Ross from Alabama by the year 2037. Fish are not to be kept as pets, they are not to be trusted under any conditions - this will become evident as time passes. In the year 2008, a private sex tape of Ronald & Nancy Reagan will be stolen and put online - nobody will download it. In the year 2042 all oranges will become extinct.
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I think if you were a cop everyone would laugh at you if you didn't use all the cool cop jargon - for example if you called a drowned body that was found "A corpse of someone who drowned" they'd laugh you out of the station for not saying "floater". And if you said "the person that fired the weapon" instead of "shooter" they'd laugh too. If you're gonna be a cop you gotta talk to the talk brother.
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My own Monkey confession: I thought - until adulthood - that the song "Hang on Sloopy, Sloopy hang on" (The McCoys, 1965) was saying "Hang on SNOOPY" - and as a kid I pictured Snoopy riding his doghouse and shooting at the Red Baron. Nobody ever corrected me either when I sang it - is this child abuse?
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Monkey Invention of the day: Monkey Interference Cell Phone (MICP) - Are you one who doesn't like to talk on the phone? With the MICP, you simply press the pound key on your cell phone when it's time to go and this cell phone will simulate signal loss and interference. You simply keep talking and within seconds the person on the other end will declare "Look man the interference is too much - I'm losing your signal - I gotta go!" You're done. Batteries not included
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Monkey Movie idea of the day: "Detention" (PG-17) - the touching story of Roy Ellison, who is assigned a two hour, 14 minute in-school-suspension - watch as Roy watches the clock on the wall. (2 hrs, 14 min) (Graphic nudity, sexual situations, drug use, adult language)
_______________________________________________________
Favorite confession from todays http://grouphug.us: "I'm the leader of the crips.
_______________________________________________________
Monkey readers know - one of the things the Monkey likes to do more than any other is eating at the Y. And one of my proudest moments was that I actually got to engage in this wholesome fun hobby in the back of a limo - yep - in the back of a limo - was it nice - helllll yeah. Did the limo driver see us? Don't know - don't care.
_______________________________________________________
People that need to be pimp-slapped: SOMEONE out there gets something really cool or interesting, and instead of just emailing it to their friends and family they have to add some hokey thing about "Send this to 10 of your friends - don't break the chain - keep it moving" SHUT UP with that - just send out good stuff and leave it at that!
_______________________________________________________
When you go to a male friends house and see their computer - especially a relative - do you have to wonder if they've been riding the porn highways on that machine and doing the one-handed surfing routine? I don't really care for using other's home computers.
_______________________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: More of the "World's Biggest Sexual Pervert Blog":
Aug 04 2004: Paid a prostitute to come to my house dressed as a kangaroo and stick a Barbie Doll's head up my backside while she sang the National Anthem.
Aug 05 2004: Poured pickle juice all over myself and then played with myself while looking at Reader's Digest back issues in the bathtub
Aug 06 2004: Called a phone sex line and had the lady at the other end pretend she was deaf - "What? Who's there? Hello?"
Aug 07 2004: Discovered that I like to stick it into boiling hot coffee right as I orgasm while wearing a waitress outfit.
Aug 08 2004: Paid a street lady to come over and spank me while berating me in Big Bird's voice from Sesame Street - later had her spray Pam All-Natural Butter Flavored cooking spray on my testicles - not such a good idea and will not do this again.
_______________________________________________________
Monkey predictions: In the year 2032, a man named Ross will be born in Alabama - Ross will speak Chinese perfectly from birth and China will proclaim him king - China will be ruled by Ross from Alabama by the year 2037. Fish are not to be kept as pets, they are not to be trusted under any conditions - this will become evident as time passes. In the year 2008, a private sex tape of Ronald & Nancy Reagan will be stolen and put online - nobody will download it. In the year 2042 all oranges will become extinct.
_______________________________________________________
I think if you were a cop everyone would laugh at you if you didn't use all the cool cop jargon - for example if you called a drowned body that was found "A corpse of someone who drowned" they'd laugh you out of the station for not saying "floater". And if you said "the person that fired the weapon" instead of "shooter" they'd laugh too. If you're gonna be a cop you gotta talk to the talk brother.
_______________________________________________________
My own Monkey confession: I thought - until adulthood - that the song "Hang on Sloopy, Sloopy hang on" (The McCoys, 1965) was saying "Hang on SNOOPY" - and as a kid I pictured Snoopy riding his doghouse and shooting at the Red Baron. Nobody ever corrected me either when I sang it - is this child abuse?
_______________________________________________________
Monkey Invention of the day: Monkey Interference Cell Phone (MICP) - Are you one who doesn't like to talk on the phone? With the MICP, you simply press the pound key on your cell phone when it's time to go and this cell phone will simulate signal loss and interference. You simply keep talking and within seconds the person on the other end will declare "Look man the interference is too much - I'm losing your signal - I gotta go!" You're done. Batteries not included
Blog for Monday - September 27th, two thousand and four
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of James D. Hughes, an Indiana State Highway Department employee, who was killed on January 9th, 1997. James was out working the highway when a salt truck backed into him. James was 58 years old.
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My dog is a big girl - she's old and a bit fat and full of tumors. I have found out she can be used as a weapon of mass destruction. If my family is all in a room together - I've learned that if I scratch her belly and then push on her belly just right - she'll fart. This gets everyone in the room extremely angry at me, as this dog has the stinkinest farts in the entire galaxy. I wait until we're all in one room watching TV and I do this. The family gets really angry and screams at me and they all gag and bury their faces in pillows and almost cry as they yell at me. But deep down I think I'm creating "family bonding time" by turning my dog into a weapon of mass destruction, and this will only bring my family closer together.
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"Mars ain't the kind of place to raise a kid, in fact it's cold as hell - And there's no-one there to raise them if you did " - Elton John - ROCKET MAN
I don't know Elton - the way my kids have been acting lately - I may send them anyway - cold or not. Montana is cold as hell and they can hack that - I'm thinking some time on Mars to sit and think about how they've been acting may just do them some good.
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Favorite confession from today's http//grouphug.us: "my father dressed up as a fairy at school camp"
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Monkey invention of the day: Monkey Rat Cleaning Patrol (MRCP) - with this invention - there's no more housework - Monkey Labs Inc. has trained rats to do it for you. We simply pull up in a large truck in front of your house, empty 1,437 HIGHLY-TRAINED cleaning rats into your house and they go to work - some rats take to the bathroom, where they eat all the garbage and others are trained to lick away at the toilet and sink until they're spotless. Other rats run around the house eating and cleaning away on the carpets - "Carpet Rats" - specially trained. For every house cleaning chore you have, from dishes to making beds - the Monkey Lab rats can take care of it for you. (Batteries sold separately)
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"Nothing" - my kids - they'll talk to a relative on the phone for 20 minutes. I'll ask - "What'd you guys talk about?" - and I get "Nothing"
I pick them up from school - "What'd you do today in school kids?" The say: "nothing"
When they were supposed to be cleaning their room and didn't - I ask - "What'd you do instead?" - you guessed it - "Nothing"
They're good at doing "nothing". I'm thinking they may have a future as Zen Masters.
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Wouldn't it be neat if people had expiration dates on them? If you could just look at someone's expiration date and see how much longer they had left? You could put off being nice to people until they only had less than a year to go - you could start planning your next spouse if yours was about to expire - you'd probably get out of some speeding tickets if you only had a short time left and the cop your expiration date. The possibilities are endless!
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People who need to be pimp slapped; People who click their silverware on their teeth with every bite of food. People who see that a garbage can bag has fallen down in the garbage can and continue to put things in the garbage anyway.
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My dog is a big girl - she's old and a bit fat and full of tumors. I have found out she can be used as a weapon of mass destruction. If my family is all in a room together - I've learned that if I scratch her belly and then push on her belly just right - she'll fart. This gets everyone in the room extremely angry at me, as this dog has the stinkinest farts in the entire galaxy. I wait until we're all in one room watching TV and I do this. The family gets really angry and screams at me and they all gag and bury their faces in pillows and almost cry as they yell at me. But deep down I think I'm creating "family bonding time" by turning my dog into a weapon of mass destruction, and this will only bring my family closer together.
___________________________________________________
"Mars ain't the kind of place to raise a kid, in fact it's cold as hell - And there's no-one there to raise them if you did " - Elton John - ROCKET MAN
I don't know Elton - the way my kids have been acting lately - I may send them anyway - cold or not. Montana is cold as hell and they can hack that - I'm thinking some time on Mars to sit and think about how they've been acting may just do them some good.
___________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http//grouphug.us: "my father dressed up as a fairy at school camp"
___________________________________________________
Monkey invention of the day: Monkey Rat Cleaning Patrol (MRCP) - with this invention - there's no more housework - Monkey Labs Inc. has trained rats to do it for you. We simply pull up in a large truck in front of your house, empty 1,437 HIGHLY-TRAINED cleaning rats into your house and they go to work - some rats take to the bathroom, where they eat all the garbage and others are trained to lick away at the toilet and sink until they're spotless. Other rats run around the house eating and cleaning away on the carpets - "Carpet Rats" - specially trained. For every house cleaning chore you have, from dishes to making beds - the Monkey Lab rats can take care of it for you. (Batteries sold separately)
___________________________________________________
"Nothing" - my kids - they'll talk to a relative on the phone for 20 minutes. I'll ask - "What'd you guys talk about?" - and I get "Nothing"
I pick them up from school - "What'd you do today in school kids?" The say: "nothing"
When they were supposed to be cleaning their room and didn't - I ask - "What'd you do instead?" - you guessed it - "Nothing"
They're good at doing "nothing". I'm thinking they may have a future as Zen Masters.
___________________________________________________
Wouldn't it be neat if people had expiration dates on them? If you could just look at someone's expiration date and see how much longer they had left? You could put off being nice to people until they only had less than a year to go - you could start planning your next spouse if yours was about to expire - you'd probably get out of some speeding tickets if you only had a short time left and the cop your expiration date. The possibilities are endless!
___________________________________________________
People who need to be pimp slapped; People who click their silverware on their teeth with every bite of food. People who see that a garbage can bag has fallen down in the garbage can and continue to put things in the garbage anyway.
It's Friday, the 24th of September. The year is 2004
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the estimated three MILLION people who died in Hindustan, India from 1769-1770 of famine. Draught plagued the countryside for almost 18 months, but ironically when new crops did manage to appear, most of their owners were dead - the crops died without harvest. This blog is also a repeat blog - contains bits 'n' pieces from some of my older stuff - I thought that may be fun and I'm swamped for time today. I apologize in advance for repeat blogging and also for not being able to respond properly to my last entrie's comments.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: You boneheads across America that keep shooting holes in highway signs, stop signs!? Are you nuts!? I'm driving down those roads FOOL!
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A friend that had a pet Cockatoo put it in the window often where it could look outside. He then trained it to say "Birdy" when it saw other birds outside. I thought this was pretty cool, but even cooler: One day a fly had got into his house and was flying around his Cockatoo's head. The Cockatoo saw the fly and said "Birdy"
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Have you noticed when you go to the doctor's office it takes about forty minutes to be seen, but they try and make us THINK it's going quickly by moving us every now and again. First we stand at a reception desk for 10 minutes, then we sit in a waiting room for 10 minutes, then they call us into the doctor's inner-waiting room for another 10 minutes, and finally we get called into an examination room to sit for 10 more minutes. (Usually at this point we're to strip down to our undies and sit on a stupid table thing covered in a sheet of paper)
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Monkey's Stupid Movie Idea of the day: "I DON'T WORK CHEAP" (PG-17) - the true story of a man who campaigns to be President of the United States, and is elected. But once elected he turns down the job - because he was actually thinking it would pay a little more than it does, and he could use some more money
_____________________________________________________________
I have learned from video games that if you're ever taken hostage, it's going to be in a warehouse, and there's gonna be about 40 hostage-takers and only one of you. When the police show up - and there'll only be ONE of them - you're to break free and run around like a chicken. But make sure to run around like a chicken in between the hostage takers and the cop. And don't worry - if you DO get shot a big skull will appear above your head to let the cop know he shot a good guy.
_____________________________________________________________
Have you ever seen the movie "The Deer Hunter"? In the Navy we'd play "The Beer Hunter" - but instead of a gun we'd shake up one beer in a six-pack and then mix them up so no one knew which one was shaken. Then each drunken Navy fool would pick one beer and open it - right up next to their face. Someone's face would get blown away in beer and we could all have a laugh at someone else's expense - which is all that matters.
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My grandmother (Nana) was wonderful, but she didn't take any crap from anyone. She was in bad health and looked older than she was. Once I was with her at the store and the fellow at the layaway counter asked her - "How would you like to sign up for our senior citizen discounts?" - and with a straight face and without missing a beat she told him -
"How would YOU like a fat lip?"
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If I sold Viagra online, I don't think I'd send out a billion spam emails a day like the others. The competition is too stiff.
_____________________________________________________________
What do you think China is like? I picture China as being a LOT like the North Pole - with toys just EVERYWHERE you look!!! After all, pick up ANY toy in your house and see where it was made - China!!!!
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We're able to say to our kids now (With a shaking fist in the air like an old cranky man)- "Why when I was your age, back in the day, we didn't have all this terrible Crack and Ecstasy and fancy-smancy Meth labs! - by golly all we did was smoke pot - you kids nowadays are just OUT OF CONTROL!!!!"
and - "You punk kids nowadays - why when I was your age if we wanted to get high by golly we had to go out and actually GROW our pot, harvest it, dry it, cut it - BACKBREAKING labor! - you lazy kids nowadays just set up your fancy little Meth labs or go down the corner dealer and hand them cash - you're spoiled and lazy!! Instant gratification is all that matters these days!!!"
_____________________________________________________________
If I had an old scary-looking two-story house, I'd take a mannequin and dress it up like an old scary lady, and I'd put her up behind the second story window, just visible behind the curtains, and I'd never move it. People driving by would be scared of the old lady up in the second story of my house that never moves.
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What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs" he says - "Human legs" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill - toes and all.
_____________________________________________________________
I like to try and make babies in shopping carts smile or laugh at me by making funny faces at them, and then when their Mom turns to see what's going on I hide or pretend I don't even see the baby. This makes the mother think the baby may be suffering from delusions or mental illness - and they'll get help for their babies early.
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The Case Of The Stinky Baby:
Long ago a young couple I knew had a baby. When the mother was up to it she invited me to their house to see the little guy. I entered the house, and they sat on the couch across from the bassinet. They said to me - "Go ahead - you can looky-looky at him!" - and so I walked over to this pretty white bassinet that had a nice silky lace curtain around the baby within.
I pulled open the curtain just a bit and stuck my head within to see the baby. Oh my God - the STENCH HIT ME!!!! It smelled like stale milk, baby pee and baby poop, along with baby puke in there!!! Immediately my eyes started watering, and I started literally GAGGING!!!
What could I do?! If I pulled my head out the parents would see my eyes watering and me gagging, but If I DIDN'T pull my head out of there I was scared I was GOING TO PUKE ALL OVER THEIR BABY!!! The parents were still behind me on the couch waiting for my reaction. I'm sure they wondered what the hell was taking me so long to pull my head out of there! I don't think they heard me gagging - and to tell you the truth I never even really looked at the sleeping baby - it was probably ugly AND stunk!
I FINALLY felt like I wasn't going to puke anymore, and so I pulled my head out of there into the fresh air. I said to the new parents - "wow!" - and my eyes were watering from the stench - I hope they interpreted my "wow" and my watery eyes differently than it was meant. I don't know what the hell was wrong with them - why they didn't wash and change their new baby? - but I only went back over to their house a few times after that, and never looked at their stinky baby again.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: You boneheads across America that keep shooting holes in highway signs, stop signs!? Are you nuts!? I'm driving down those roads FOOL!
_____________________________________________________________
A friend that had a pet Cockatoo put it in the window often where it could look outside. He then trained it to say "Birdy" when it saw other birds outside. I thought this was pretty cool, but even cooler: One day a fly had got into his house and was flying around his Cockatoo's head. The Cockatoo saw the fly and said "Birdy"
_____________________________________________________________
Have you noticed when you go to the doctor's office it takes about forty minutes to be seen, but they try and make us THINK it's going quickly by moving us every now and again. First we stand at a reception desk for 10 minutes, then we sit in a waiting room for 10 minutes, then they call us into the doctor's inner-waiting room for another 10 minutes, and finally we get called into an examination room to sit for 10 more minutes. (Usually at this point we're to strip down to our undies and sit on a stupid table thing covered in a sheet of paper)
_____________________________________________________________
Monkey's Stupid Movie Idea of the day: "I DON'T WORK CHEAP" (PG-17) - the true story of a man who campaigns to be President of the United States, and is elected. But once elected he turns down the job - because he was actually thinking it would pay a little more than it does, and he could use some more money
_____________________________________________________________
I have learned from video games that if you're ever taken hostage, it's going to be in a warehouse, and there's gonna be about 40 hostage-takers and only one of you. When the police show up - and there'll only be ONE of them - you're to break free and run around like a chicken. But make sure to run around like a chicken in between the hostage takers and the cop. And don't worry - if you DO get shot a big skull will appear above your head to let the cop know he shot a good guy.
_____________________________________________________________
Have you ever seen the movie "The Deer Hunter"? In the Navy we'd play "The Beer Hunter" - but instead of a gun we'd shake up one beer in a six-pack and then mix them up so no one knew which one was shaken. Then each drunken Navy fool would pick one beer and open it - right up next to their face. Someone's face would get blown away in beer and we could all have a laugh at someone else's expense - which is all that matters.
_____________________________________________________________
My grandmother (Nana) was wonderful, but she didn't take any crap from anyone. She was in bad health and looked older than she was. Once I was with her at the store and the fellow at the layaway counter asked her - "How would you like to sign up for our senior citizen discounts?" - and with a straight face and without missing a beat she told him -
"How would YOU like a fat lip?"
_____________________________________________________________
If I sold Viagra online, I don't think I'd send out a billion spam emails a day like the others. The competition is too stiff.
_____________________________________________________________
What do you think China is like? I picture China as being a LOT like the North Pole - with toys just EVERYWHERE you look!!! After all, pick up ANY toy in your house and see where it was made - China!!!!
_____________________________________________________________
We're able to say to our kids now (With a shaking fist in the air like an old cranky man)- "Why when I was your age, back in the day, we didn't have all this terrible Crack and Ecstasy and fancy-smancy Meth labs! - by golly all we did was smoke pot - you kids nowadays are just OUT OF CONTROL!!!!"
and - "You punk kids nowadays - why when I was your age if we wanted to get high by golly we had to go out and actually GROW our pot, harvest it, dry it, cut it - BACKBREAKING labor! - you lazy kids nowadays just set up your fancy little Meth labs or go down the corner dealer and hand them cash - you're spoiled and lazy!! Instant gratification is all that matters these days!!!"
_____________________________________________________________
If I had an old scary-looking two-story house, I'd take a mannequin and dress it up like an old scary lady, and I'd put her up behind the second story window, just visible behind the curtains, and I'd never move it. People driving by would be scared of the old lady up in the second story of my house that never moves.
_____________________________________________________________
What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs" he says - "Human legs" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill - toes and all.
_____________________________________________________________
I like to try and make babies in shopping carts smile or laugh at me by making funny faces at them, and then when their Mom turns to see what's going on I hide or pretend I don't even see the baby. This makes the mother think the baby may be suffering from delusions or mental illness - and they'll get help for their babies early.
_____________________________________________________________
The Case Of The Stinky Baby:
Long ago a young couple I knew had a baby. When the mother was up to it she invited me to their house to see the little guy. I entered the house, and they sat on the couch across from the bassinet. They said to me - "Go ahead - you can looky-looky at him!" - and so I walked over to this pretty white bassinet that had a nice silky lace curtain around the baby within.
I pulled open the curtain just a bit and stuck my head within to see the baby. Oh my God - the STENCH HIT ME!!!! It smelled like stale milk, baby pee and baby poop, along with baby puke in there!!! Immediately my eyes started watering, and I started literally GAGGING!!!
What could I do?! If I pulled my head out the parents would see my eyes watering and me gagging, but If I DIDN'T pull my head out of there I was scared I was GOING TO PUKE ALL OVER THEIR BABY!!! The parents were still behind me on the couch waiting for my reaction. I'm sure they wondered what the hell was taking me so long to pull my head out of there! I don't think they heard me gagging - and to tell you the truth I never even really looked at the sleeping baby - it was probably ugly AND stunk!
I FINALLY felt like I wasn't going to puke anymore, and so I pulled my head out of there into the fresh air. I said to the new parents - "wow!" - and my eyes were watering from the stench - I hope they interpreted my "wow" and my watery eyes differently than it was meant. I don't know what the hell was wrong with them - why they didn't wash and change their new baby? - but I only went back over to their house a few times after that, and never looked at their stinky baby again.
Blog for September twenty-two, 2 thousand & four
Todays blog is dedicated to Marilyn Monroe - (Norma Jean) I've always thought that (next to my wife) - she was the most beautiful woman. It seemed to the monkey she lived her life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. And the monkey would've liked to have known her, but I was just a small monkey, her candle burned out long before her legend ever did. Gosh this would make a good song!
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I find out from my wife when I'm behind the times - I saw a little Mongoloid baby once and mentioned "Mongoloid" - gosh you'd think I'd committed a crime - I had no idea it's been called simply "Down syndrome"! Honest I didn't! And to my son I mentioned "Midget" and he scolded me - "It's 'Little Person'" he informs me. Yikes.
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My brother - who is a bit strange - found out that you can make your own "prefix" of your name on mail-in forms, on applications, etc. There's usually a spot where you can put "Dr., Mr. Mrs. etc" - he decided it'd be fun to put "Brig. Gen" (Brigadier General) on forms - for fun. I admit it WOULD be fun - but it's gonna backfire soon enough. United Airlines thinks my brother is a Brigadier General - all his United Airlines Frequent Flyer info and mail comes to him as Brigadier General _____. Some time back when flying a ticket lady at United stared at him - "You look so young to be a Brigadier General!" she says. He said nothing. It's gonna backfire - get it FIXED I tell him!
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Regular Monkey Cage readers may remember that a less-than-attractive co-worker approached me and told me all about her "Vaginal Hernia" - I was in shock - never wanted to hear about her vagina - have NO interest in her vagina, and certainly don't want to even BEGIN to think about a vaginal hernia or how she got it. Update on her - she QUIT - for health reasons - not her broken vagina - nope - word around the campfire says she has carpal tunnel and she had to quit because of THAT. But I DO think of her - I picture this woman and her vaginal hernia in my mind when I'm having sex with my wife and don't want to errr...finish too soon - works like a charm.
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Fun Monkey Game: Is it me or do most cell phones not ring for very long? I guess the makers figure you've either got your phone near you or you don't - no sense in having longer ring tones. Bull! When my wife misplaces her phone somewhere in our house - we play a familiar game in our family called "Find the cell phone" - one person calls the cell phone number and the rest of us run around the house listening for it ringing - (One person is usually deployed to go listen in the car also) but ya gotta run around listening FAST because it only rings for about 10 seconds and it's usually UNDER something so it's very faint. What a fun game for the entire family!
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I find little convenience store names across the country amusing. Some of my favorite names I've seen: "Dash in", "My T. Quick Mart", "Quik Stop", "Loaf 'n' Jug", - and now here in Montana I add to my favorites list: "Kum & Go" (They're all over the place - not just Montana)
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: You people who call others, get an answering machine, listen to the whole thing, hear the beep, and THEN HANG UP! Can't you hang up BEFORE the beep!? More people that need to be pimp-slapped: People that run into neighbors/family/friends in the supermarket and start a big huge chat session IN THE AISLES, with their shopping carts, in the way!
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Crazy Monkey Invention of the day: "Monkey I've Lost My Cell-Phone Where the Hell Is It Feature" (MILMCPWTHIIF) Ends the aforementioned fun game, but with this invention if you've lost your cell phone in your house or car, you call it from another number, when it rings for 5 seconds and you DON'T hear it and your cell voice mail answers - simply hit a pre-determined code, and this will trigger your cell phone to sound a LOUD, LONG alarm so you can then go find it. Batteries sold separately
____________________________________________
A co-worker laughed at the monkey because I told her that watching the TV show "HEE HAW" was mandatory when I was growing up - she had to watch it too she said.
"Yeah but at least for us boys there were plenty of nice boobs on Hee Haw" I said.
"Hmm - good point - there was nothing to entertain us girls." she said.
(I guess she forgot about those hot "Hager Twins"?)
____________________________________________
Tip of the day: If you're in Wal-Mart and they do that announcement - "Security - please roll cameras in Department 42" - and you're paranoid thinking it's you they're watching - simply start running through the store and listen for "Security - please roll cameras in Department 42...errr....43...no...44....make that 45...46"
____________________________________________
My favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us web site: "I am a drummer and sometimes when im alone i stick my penis in between my hi hats and push the pedal up and down for sexual arousment.
____________________________________________
Stupid thing the Monkey has done (#492): I once sat down at my desk at work and had a voice mail from my wife - I started listening to it and she started explaining in this voice mail about something or another that was going on back at the house. I FORGOT it was voice mail and thought I had her on the phone, live. She stops talking and I ask a question but WHAM - she talks right over me. This gets me a little upset and so I try to repeat my question - but she keeps talking! She stops talking for a second, and I ask my question again - this time she totally ignores me! Luckily about this time I remembered I was listening to a voice mail. Moral of the story?: Don't leave huge, long voice mail messages to people who aren't that bright?
____________________________________________
I've figured out the perfect response to people who email you OLD jokes and funnies online as if they're new. Saying "Saw this 10 years ago" is sort of rude, and "This is hilarious!" isn't exactly true as the joke stopped being funny long ago. Instead you reply with:
"A classic!"
Is that tactful or what!?
|
___________________________________________
I find out from my wife when I'm behind the times - I saw a little Mongoloid baby once and mentioned "Mongoloid" - gosh you'd think I'd committed a crime - I had no idea it's been called simply "Down syndrome"! Honest I didn't! And to my son I mentioned "Midget" and he scolded me - "It's 'Little Person'" he informs me. Yikes.
___________________________________________
My brother - who is a bit strange - found out that you can make your own "prefix" of your name on mail-in forms, on applications, etc. There's usually a spot where you can put "Dr., Mr. Mrs. etc" - he decided it'd be fun to put "Brig. Gen" (Brigadier General) on forms - for fun. I admit it WOULD be fun - but it's gonna backfire soon enough. United Airlines thinks my brother is a Brigadier General - all his United Airlines Frequent Flyer info and mail comes to him as Brigadier General _____. Some time back when flying a ticket lady at United stared at him - "You look so young to be a Brigadier General!" she says. He said nothing. It's gonna backfire - get it FIXED I tell him!
___________________________________________
Regular Monkey Cage readers may remember that a less-than-attractive co-worker approached me and told me all about her "Vaginal Hernia" - I was in shock - never wanted to hear about her vagina - have NO interest in her vagina, and certainly don't want to even BEGIN to think about a vaginal hernia or how she got it. Update on her - she QUIT - for health reasons - not her broken vagina - nope - word around the campfire says she has carpal tunnel and she had to quit because of THAT. But I DO think of her - I picture this woman and her vaginal hernia in my mind when I'm having sex with my wife and don't want to errr...finish too soon - works like a charm.
____________________________________________
Fun Monkey Game: Is it me or do most cell phones not ring for very long? I guess the makers figure you've either got your phone near you or you don't - no sense in having longer ring tones. Bull! When my wife misplaces her phone somewhere in our house - we play a familiar game in our family called "Find the cell phone" - one person calls the cell phone number and the rest of us run around the house listening for it ringing - (One person is usually deployed to go listen in the car also) but ya gotta run around listening FAST because it only rings for about 10 seconds and it's usually UNDER something so it's very faint. What a fun game for the entire family!
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I find little convenience store names across the country amusing. Some of my favorite names I've seen: "Dash in", "My T. Quick Mart", "Quik Stop", "Loaf 'n' Jug", - and now here in Montana I add to my favorites list: "Kum & Go" (They're all over the place - not just Montana)
____________________________________________
People who need to be pimp-slapped: You people who call others, get an answering machine, listen to the whole thing, hear the beep, and THEN HANG UP! Can't you hang up BEFORE the beep!? More people that need to be pimp-slapped: People that run into neighbors/family/friends in the supermarket and start a big huge chat session IN THE AISLES, with their shopping carts, in the way!
____________________________________________
Crazy Monkey Invention of the day: "Monkey I've Lost My Cell-Phone Where the Hell Is It Feature" (MILMCPWTHIIF) Ends the aforementioned fun game, but with this invention if you've lost your cell phone in your house or car, you call it from another number, when it rings for 5 seconds and you DON'T hear it and your cell voice mail answers - simply hit a pre-determined code, and this will trigger your cell phone to sound a LOUD, LONG alarm so you can then go find it. Batteries sold separately
____________________________________________
A co-worker laughed at the monkey because I told her that watching the TV show "HEE HAW" was mandatory when I was growing up - she had to watch it too she said.
"Yeah but at least for us boys there were plenty of nice boobs on Hee Haw" I said.
"Hmm - good point - there was nothing to entertain us girls." she said.
(I guess she forgot about those hot "Hager Twins"?)
____________________________________________
Tip of the day: If you're in Wal-Mart and they do that announcement - "Security - please roll cameras in Department 42" - and you're paranoid thinking it's you they're watching - simply start running through the store and listen for "Security - please roll cameras in Department 42...errr....43...no...44....make that 45...46"
____________________________________________
My favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us web site: "I am a drummer and sometimes when im alone i stick my penis in between my hi hats and push the pedal up and down for sexual arousment.
____________________________________________
Stupid thing the Monkey has done (#492): I once sat down at my desk at work and had a voice mail from my wife - I started listening to it and she started explaining in this voice mail about something or another that was going on back at the house. I FORGOT it was voice mail and thought I had her on the phone, live. She stops talking and I ask a question but WHAM - she talks right over me. This gets me a little upset and so I try to repeat my question - but she keeps talking! She stops talking for a second, and I ask my question again - this time she totally ignores me! Luckily about this time I remembered I was listening to a voice mail. Moral of the story?: Don't leave huge, long voice mail messages to people who aren't that bright?
____________________________________________
I've figured out the perfect response to people who email you OLD jokes and funnies online as if they're new. Saying "Saw this 10 years ago" is sort of rude, and "This is hilarious!" isn't exactly true as the joke stopped being funny long ago. Instead you reply with:
"A classic!"
Is that tactful or what!?
Blog for Sunday, September 19, 2000 and four
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of the 63 men and women, ranging in age from 75 to 90, in the "Golden Age Nursing Home" in Fitchville, Ohio, who were burned to death when the home caught fire in November of 1963. Only 21 survived.
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My wife and other women will say to us non-dancing men "It doesn't MATTER what you do out there on the dance floor - just go out there and who CARES what you look like!" That's what I've heard anyway. Ahhh - but the monkey overheard my wife and some of her girlfriends speaking the other day - girl talk - and I heard them saying that "You can tell what a man is like in bed by the way he dances" And they all giggled. OHHHHHH!!! So THAT'S IT huh!?
____________________________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Turd Boy" (PG-17) - the amazing and TRUE story of a baby who was born on a camping trip in Oklahoma in 1972. The pregnant mother, using an outdoor campsite Porta-potty at a KOA, accidently gave birth to this baby and he fell down below the porta-potty into the mess - still used to being in the womb - the baby could LIVE in the porta-potty tank - and DID live. He became known to locals and to the national media as "Turd Boy" - because he lived among the turds. Watch as turd-boy evades capture and refuses to leave his tank. Will Turd Boy leave his turd-land tank and join the humans above? You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing Turd Boy. (2hrs, 04 min)
____________________________________________________________________
When I was a kid they'd show us anti-drug movies where some poor kid is always under severe peer-pressure to try drugs. "Come on chicken! Smoke it!" the other kids taunt. I don't know about you - but when I was a kid not ONE of my friends EVER tried to get me to do drugs. I'd had to BEG them and even then they'd hardly EVER share any drugs with the poor monkey. Maybe I just had a bad group of friends?
____________________________________________________________________
I think I'm starting to figure my kids out. If I have the dishwasher EMPTY they'll leave their dirty dishes on the kitchen counter. But if the dishwasher is full of CLEAN dishes, they'll put their dirty dishes in there with them - And if the dishwasher is full of DIRTY dishes, that means they'll open it up to grab a dish to use! Gosh I've got it figured - it took a few years - but I've got it!
____________________________________________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: If there's one thing the monkey hates, it's when I'm in the shower and I see my soap is all but gone - just a sliver of soap left. I'll use what's left and make a note - "when I get out of the shower open a new box of soap and put it in the shower for next time" - but I forget and the cycle starts again. Enter the "Monkey Low Soap Alert System" (MLSAS). What happens with this invention is, the soap dish in the shower is weighted - when it detects that there is only a bit of soap left in the dish, a signal is sent to a small UNIX box - a Unix Shell script will then run, which will call a series of Perl scripts - one which will send off an email to let you know to go change the soap, the other will then send a voice mail to your work phone using voice simulation to your voice mail - reminding you to replace the soap. So when you get out of the shower and go to work you'll have a voice mail, as well as an email waiting for you from the Monkey Low Soap Alert System!
____________________________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : " I collect pictures of unicorns and rainbows and I'm a straight guy."
____________________________________________________________________
People that need to be pimp-slapped: For some reason - I have noticed that many people - when you ask them a simple polite - "How are you?" - seem to think they must provide some corny, "witty" answer, followed by a laugh. Cut it out. Examples:
"Too early to tell, get back to me later HA HA HA!"
"Well, I'm ALIVE! HA HA!"
"I'll let you know after I've had my coffee. HA HA TEE HEE"
"Any day above ground is a good day! BWAHAHA!"
"If I were having any more fun it'd be illegal HEE HEE"
"Well I can't complain and if I did, nobody would listen! HA HA!"
____________________________________________________________________
Monkey future predictions: By the year 2043, cars and trucks as we know them will be gone - replaced. Those of us living now will be referred to as "Car Drivers" - there will be a huge problem throughout the world with what to do with highways and roads as they're useless in 2043 - thousands of miles of useless concrete. In Mobile, Alabama a girl will be born who is able to communicate with jellyfish, and she will write an entire best-seller novel transcribed to her by a jellyfish named "Edgar". In the year 2045, it will be discovered that none of the predictions made by "Monkey" will ever come true (except for this one).
____________________________________________________________________
Note to self: Monkey, in the future please take a shower AFTER shaving - whisker stubble in underwear is not a good way to start the day.
|
____________________________________________________________________
My wife and other women will say to us non-dancing men "It doesn't MATTER what you do out there on the dance floor - just go out there and who CARES what you look like!" That's what I've heard anyway. Ahhh - but the monkey overheard my wife and some of her girlfriends speaking the other day - girl talk - and I heard them saying that "You can tell what a man is like in bed by the way he dances" And they all giggled. OHHHHHH!!! So THAT'S IT huh!?
____________________________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Turd Boy" (PG-17) - the amazing and TRUE story of a baby who was born on a camping trip in Oklahoma in 1972. The pregnant mother, using an outdoor campsite Porta-potty at a KOA, accidently gave birth to this baby and he fell down below the porta-potty into the mess - still used to being in the womb - the baby could LIVE in the porta-potty tank - and DID live. He became known to locals and to the national media as "Turd Boy" - because he lived among the turds. Watch as turd-boy evades capture and refuses to leave his tank. Will Turd Boy leave his turd-land tank and join the humans above? You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing Turd Boy. (2hrs, 04 min)
____________________________________________________________________
When I was a kid they'd show us anti-drug movies where some poor kid is always under severe peer-pressure to try drugs. "Come on chicken! Smoke it!" the other kids taunt. I don't know about you - but when I was a kid not ONE of my friends EVER tried to get me to do drugs. I'd had to BEG them and even then they'd hardly EVER share any drugs with the poor monkey. Maybe I just had a bad group of friends?
____________________________________________________________________
I think I'm starting to figure my kids out. If I have the dishwasher EMPTY they'll leave their dirty dishes on the kitchen counter. But if the dishwasher is full of CLEAN dishes, they'll put their dirty dishes in there with them - And if the dishwasher is full of DIRTY dishes, that means they'll open it up to grab a dish to use! Gosh I've got it figured - it took a few years - but I've got it!
____________________________________________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: If there's one thing the monkey hates, it's when I'm in the shower and I see my soap is all but gone - just a sliver of soap left. I'll use what's left and make a note - "when I get out of the shower open a new box of soap and put it in the shower for next time" - but I forget and the cycle starts again. Enter the "Monkey Low Soap Alert System" (MLSAS). What happens with this invention is, the soap dish in the shower is weighted - when it detects that there is only a bit of soap left in the dish, a signal is sent to a small UNIX box - a Unix Shell script will then run, which will call a series of Perl scripts - one which will send off an email to let you know to go change the soap, the other will then send a voice mail to your work phone using voice simulation to your voice mail - reminding you to replace the soap. So when you get out of the shower and go to work you'll have a voice mail, as well as an email waiting for you from the Monkey Low Soap Alert System!
____________________________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : " I collect pictures of unicorns and rainbows and I'm a straight guy."
____________________________________________________________________
People that need to be pimp-slapped: For some reason - I have noticed that many people - when you ask them a simple polite - "How are you?" - seem to think they must provide some corny, "witty" answer, followed by a laugh. Cut it out. Examples:
"Too early to tell, get back to me later HA HA HA!"
"Well, I'm ALIVE! HA HA!"
"I'll let you know after I've had my coffee. HA HA TEE HEE"
"Any day above ground is a good day! BWAHAHA!"
"If I were having any more fun it'd be illegal HEE HEE"
"Well I can't complain and if I did, nobody would listen! HA HA!"
____________________________________________________________________
Monkey future predictions: By the year 2043, cars and trucks as we know them will be gone - replaced. Those of us living now will be referred to as "Car Drivers" - there will be a huge problem throughout the world with what to do with highways and roads as they're useless in 2043 - thousands of miles of useless concrete. In Mobile, Alabama a girl will be born who is able to communicate with jellyfish, and she will write an entire best-seller novel transcribed to her by a jellyfish named "Edgar". In the year 2045, it will be discovered that none of the predictions made by "Monkey" will ever come true (except for this one).
____________________________________________________________________
Note to self: Monkey, in the future please take a shower AFTER shaving - whisker stubble in underwear is not a good way to start the day.
Gosh it's September sixteenth, two-thousand and 4
Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Erma Putman of Armour, South Dakota. She died in October of 2003 and was 85 years old. When Erma was 77 years old, she was elected the first woman mayor of Armour. "Being a wife, Mom, Grandmother, homemaker and friend was her joy" She was survived by five children.
____________________________________________________
I used to save all the marshmallow-type pieces of my cereal until last - in my Lucky Charms, in Frankenberry, Count Chocula, etc. It wasn't always easy eating around all those pieces and saving them until last - but was worth it in the end when those few spoonfuls of nothing but marshmallow-sugar crunchy goodness. Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, blue diamonds, and green clovers!
____________________________________________________
Monkey invention of the day: "Monkey Ocean Candle" (MOC) - Monkey Laboratories has developed a special liquid formula that can turn any of the world's oceans into instant solid wax. We can then stick a giant wick in them middle of the ocean, light it, and - eureka! - one big HUGE candle that we can light on some special night. (Monkey Labs. Inc. regrets that we have yet to find any interested parties willing to finance this Ocean Candle project - nor do we really know for what purpose this candle will serve, but it's one of our favorite inventions.)
____________________________________________________
If I were a male Praying Mantis, I'd be smart enough to KNOW from reading that after my lady and I have sex, she's probably going to try and kill me and eat me, I would pray about it for some time, and then after we have sex I'd pray some more, then I'd say "I'd love to stay and cuddle with you - but I'm going to get us both a cigarette - be right back" - and I'd be SO outta there! - I'd then go find another girl Mantis and keep doing this as long as I could get away with it.
____________________________________________________
The monkey remembers: The commercials in the 70's which showed the American indian ("Iron Eyes Cody") looking at the trash all over the street and a tear runs down his face. ""People start pollution; people can stop it." (Turns out Iron Eyes Cody wasn't even an American Indian - he was italian) Hoax or not, that indian made the monkey feel guilty every time I tossed down a bubble-gum wrapper.
____________________________________________________
Fun Monkey activity to do with the kids. When in a restaurant, and the teenaged son goes to the bathroom, when he comes back I ask him if he washed his hands. ("Of course!" he'll say) - then ask him what color the soap was. Busted.
____________________________________________________
People who need to be pimp-slapped: The brilliant marketing executive that decided it'd be a good idea that when people pull up to order in a drive through either a recording or the person at the other end asks them "Welcome to ____, would you like to try our new bacon-double-deluxe cheeseburger with fries deal for only three dollars"? Kiss my ass. I'll TELL YOU what I want punk if you'll shut up for a minute!
____________________________________________________
One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!
____________________________________________________
I've never cared much for hunting - and now, living in Montana - I feel out of place sometimes. Some guy at the gas station will come up and say "Did you get a buck yet this year?" And I'll say - "Well, no, but I found 49 cents the other day under the dryer". They practically run away.
____________________________________________________
When I was a young monkey I got into some trouble with the law, and it was decreed that I had to go to a juvenile psychologist. This woman's job was SO easy - no matter what I said - she would reply with "..and how did you feel about that?" or "Tell me how that makes you feel?" I decided that must be one of the easiest jobs in the world. Of course all I could think about the whole time I was in her office was doing her hard and going down on her until my face was numb. Once I remember sitting there with a woody fantasizing about doing her on her couch, and she said "Tell me what you're thinking about right now" I didn't, but perhaps she would've been interested? Who knows - those psychologists are sort of wacky.
____________________________________________________
My wife gets mad at me when we enter a restaurant and they ask "Smoking Preference?" - and I tell them "Marlboro Ultra Lights". She fails to see the humor in this, but is almost used to it. I'm just a big embarrassment to her and my entire family at times - but they love me.
____________________________________________________
Who's the clown who started people on the annoying and ignorant practice of CLAPPING at the movies? Those people up there on the screen can't hear your clapping - they're two dimensional - not real - cut the clapping out boneheads. (I'm no fun huh!?)
____________________________________________________
When I was a kid not ONLY would we have laughed another kid out of town if he put on a HELMET to ride his bike, but we had chains that would come off when we were going down hills at 53.4 MPH and when the chain went - no brakes - we'd simply crash into someone's yard or car. It built character.
|
____________________________________________________
I used to save all the marshmallow-type pieces of my cereal until last - in my Lucky Charms, in Frankenberry, Count Chocula, etc. It wasn't always easy eating around all those pieces and saving them until last - but was worth it in the end when those few spoonfuls of nothing but marshmallow-sugar crunchy goodness. Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, blue diamonds, and green clovers!
____________________________________________________
Monkey invention of the day: "Monkey Ocean Candle" (MOC) - Monkey Laboratories has developed a special liquid formula that can turn any of the world's oceans into instant solid wax. We can then stick a giant wick in them middle of the ocean, light it, and - eureka! - one big HUGE candle that we can light on some special night. (Monkey Labs. Inc. regrets that we have yet to find any interested parties willing to finance this Ocean Candle project - nor do we really know for what purpose this candle will serve, but it's one of our favorite inventions.)
____________________________________________________
If I were a male Praying Mantis, I'd be smart enough to KNOW from reading that after my lady and I have sex, she's probably going to try and kill me and eat me, I would pray about it for some time, and then after we have sex I'd pray some more, then I'd say "I'd love to stay and cuddle with you - but I'm going to get us both a cigarette - be right back" - and I'd be SO outta there! - I'd then go find another girl Mantis and keep doing this as long as I could get away with it.
____________________________________________________
The monkey remembers: The commercials in the 70's which showed the American indian ("Iron Eyes Cody") looking at the trash all over the street and a tear runs down his face. ""People start pollution; people can stop it." (Turns out Iron Eyes Cody wasn't even an American Indian - he was italian) Hoax or not, that indian made the monkey feel guilty every time I tossed down a bubble-gum wrapper.
____________________________________________________
Fun Monkey activity to do with the kids. When in a restaurant, and the teenaged son goes to the bathroom, when he comes back I ask him if he washed his hands. ("Of course!" he'll say) - then ask him what color the soap was. Busted.
____________________________________________________
People who need to be pimp-slapped: The brilliant marketing executive that decided it'd be a good idea that when people pull up to order in a drive through either a recording or the person at the other end asks them "Welcome to ____, would you like to try our new bacon-double-deluxe cheeseburger with fries deal for only three dollars"? Kiss my ass. I'll TELL YOU what I want punk if you'll shut up for a minute!
____________________________________________________
One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!
____________________________________________________
I've never cared much for hunting - and now, living in Montana - I feel out of place sometimes. Some guy at the gas station will come up and say "Did you get a buck yet this year?" And I'll say - "Well, no, but I found 49 cents the other day under the dryer". They practically run away.
____________________________________________________
When I was a young monkey I got into some trouble with the law, and it was decreed that I had to go to a juvenile psychologist. This woman's job was SO easy - no matter what I said - she would reply with "..and how did you feel about that?" or "Tell me how that makes you feel?" I decided that must be one of the easiest jobs in the world. Of course all I could think about the whole time I was in her office was doing her hard and going down on her until my face was numb. Once I remember sitting there with a woody fantasizing about doing her on her couch, and she said "Tell me what you're thinking about right now" I didn't, but perhaps she would've been interested? Who knows - those psychologists are sort of wacky.
____________________________________________________
My wife gets mad at me when we enter a restaurant and they ask "Smoking Preference?" - and I tell them "Marlboro Ultra Lights". She fails to see the humor in this, but is almost used to it. I'm just a big embarrassment to her and my entire family at times - but they love me.
____________________________________________________
Who's the clown who started people on the annoying and ignorant practice of CLAPPING at the movies? Those people up there on the screen can't hear your clapping - they're two dimensional - not real - cut the clapping out boneheads. (I'm no fun huh!?)
____________________________________________________
When I was a kid not ONLY would we have laughed another kid out of town if he put on a HELMET to ride his bike, but we had chains that would come off when we were going down hills at 53.4 MPH and when the chain went - no brakes - we'd simply crash into someone's yard or car. It built character.
Monday, September thirteenth, two-thousand and four
Today's Monkey blog is dedicated to the memory of the 163 miners who died working the night shift in Butte, Montana on June 8, 1917 in the Speculator, Diamond and High Ore mines when fire broke out because of a power cable breaking which ignited timbers. 213 men escaped.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Bi-Polar" (R) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
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Saw a guy with a tee-shirt today that read: "Our lips met passionately, but then she closed her legs and broke my glasses." I laughed 'till I stopped.
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Have you ever seen the tacky chrome silhouette of the sitting naked woman on the back of cars & trucks? The Monkey wonders who this woman was that posed for these things, and if she gets a royalty on each one sold to a redneck. I wonder if she points out herself on the backs of cars and trucks and says to her friends "That's ME!"
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Old Monkey talk: You kids nowadays - SPOILED! The monkey remembers and misses ROTARY DIAL telephones that had actual BELLS in them - and when the phone rang - it RANG. No wimpy "tweet" sounds, no electronic pretend rings, no cricket sounding chirpy stuff - but real, manly RINGS! Back then if you were even half asleep and your phone ring it scared the dog poop out of you! (But back then by golly we were AWAKE all day anyway!) Those old phones - they didn't have "Caller ID" you could hide behind and screen if you picked up - you answered the phone like a MAN back then and DEALT with whoever was on the other end! None of this easy "push button" crap either - by GOLLY we had to take our finger and put it in the hole and move our fingers all the way around the dial!
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I was in my "wife's car" with my eleven year old and I turned on her CD player - guess what came out of the speakers - yep - Gay Aiken! But for fun I pretended it didn't bother me and let it play, just to see what my son would do - in the name of science. I looked in the rear-view mirror and he was almost choking - his eyes were huge and he started screaming - "Not Clay Aiken!!! Not Clay Aiken!!" I was proud of him. Ejected Gay Aiken and in went Stevie Ray Vaughn.
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Speaking of Gay Aiken - I was thinking of suicide today - not thinking of DOING it - just thinking about it - I think it was the Gay Aiken song that did it. Anyway I'd never commit suicide, but if the Monkey DID - I'd go out in different way. None of the wimpy pills, the gun in the mouth - boring, the wrist slashing is so drama-queen. Nope - the Monkey would go out by sticking a ball-point pen through my left eyeball up into my brain.
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There's so many trailers in this small Montana town that I live in - and the Monkey lives in a house - but because they don't even really understand houses in this town I've been asked about my "double-wide". At first I'd correct them - tell them it's a house not a trailer. But I'm so used to it now I will agree with people when they say "Are you in that big double-wide?" I may even go put a hitch on the end of my house just to make folks happy.
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
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The Monkey invented a game where you go into a store late at night, alone, and buy ONLY three items - unrelated items, and see how perverted you can make it - then bring them up and pay for them with a straight face and you win a prize. Here's some more examples:
1) A tuning fork, 2) A rubber glove, 3) some KY Jelly or vaseline
1) One carrot 2) A can of Crisco, and 3) a sheet of plastic.
1) A bottle of baby oil, 2) A box of Kleenex, 3) a can of sardines
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ "I only have one nut, and only five people know that. Oh well. It's big."
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My kids say my few girlfriends I had when I was young weren't really girlfriends. (Holly and Teresa) JUST because I never spoke to them, JUST because they didn't even know who I was, that doesn't mean I couldn't call them my girlfriends does it? My kids are so cruel.
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There are rhymes we humans can remember to keep us out of trouble - for snakes ("If red touches yellow, it can kill a fellow - If red touches black, it is a friend of Jack") So before I send my girl doggy out to pee again in the back yard early in the morning - scared she'll get skunked again (The smell is ALMOST gone!) - I try and think of a similar rhyme for her. So far I have "White stripe on it's back, RUN back to our shack" and "If it smells really shitty - it's probably NOT a kitty!" With my help she can learn.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Bi-Polar" (R) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
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Saw a guy with a tee-shirt today that read: "Our lips met passionately, but then she closed her legs and broke my glasses." I laughed 'till I stopped.
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Have you ever seen the tacky chrome silhouette of the sitting naked woman on the back of cars & trucks? The Monkey wonders who this woman was that posed for these things, and if she gets a royalty on each one sold to a redneck. I wonder if she points out herself on the backs of cars and trucks and says to her friends "That's ME!"
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Old Monkey talk: You kids nowadays - SPOILED! The monkey remembers and misses ROTARY DIAL telephones that had actual BELLS in them - and when the phone rang - it RANG. No wimpy "tweet" sounds, no electronic pretend rings, no cricket sounding chirpy stuff - but real, manly RINGS! Back then if you were even half asleep and your phone ring it scared the dog poop out of you! (But back then by golly we were AWAKE all day anyway!) Those old phones - they didn't have "Caller ID" you could hide behind and screen if you picked up - you answered the phone like a MAN back then and DEALT with whoever was on the other end! None of this easy "push button" crap either - by GOLLY we had to take our finger and put it in the hole and move our fingers all the way around the dial!
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I was in my "wife's car" with my eleven year old and I turned on her CD player - guess what came out of the speakers - yep - Gay Aiken! But for fun I pretended it didn't bother me and let it play, just to see what my son would do - in the name of science. I looked in the rear-view mirror and he was almost choking - his eyes were huge and he started screaming - "Not Clay Aiken!!! Not Clay Aiken!!" I was proud of him. Ejected Gay Aiken and in went Stevie Ray Vaughn.
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Speaking of Gay Aiken - I was thinking of suicide today - not thinking of DOING it - just thinking about it - I think it was the Gay Aiken song that did it. Anyway I'd never commit suicide, but if the Monkey DID - I'd go out in different way. None of the wimpy pills, the gun in the mouth - boring, the wrist slashing is so drama-queen. Nope - the Monkey would go out by sticking a ball-point pen through my left eyeball up into my brain.
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There's so many trailers in this small Montana town that I live in - and the Monkey lives in a house - but because they don't even really understand houses in this town I've been asked about my "double-wide". At first I'd correct them - tell them it's a house not a trailer. But I'm so used to it now I will agree with people when they say "Are you in that big double-wide?" I may even go put a hitch on the end of my house just to make folks happy.
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
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The Monkey invented a game where you go into a store late at night, alone, and buy ONLY three items - unrelated items, and see how perverted you can make it - then bring them up and pay for them with a straight face and you win a prize. Here's some more examples:
1) A tuning fork, 2) A rubber glove, 3) some KY Jelly or vaseline
1) One carrot 2) A can of Crisco, and 3) a sheet of plastic.
1) A bottle of baby oil, 2) A box of Kleenex, 3) a can of sardines
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ "I only have one nut, and only five people know that. Oh well. It's big."
____________________________________________
My kids say my few girlfriends I had when I was young weren't really girlfriends. (Holly and Teresa) JUST because I never spoke to them, JUST because they didn't even know who I was, that doesn't mean I couldn't call them my girlfriends does it? My kids are so cruel.
____________________________________________
There are rhymes we humans can remember to keep us out of trouble - for snakes ("If red touches yellow, it can kill a fellow - If red touches black, it is a friend of Jack") So before I send my girl doggy out to pee again in the back yard early in the morning - scared she'll get skunked again (The smell is ALMOST gone!) - I try and think of a similar rhyme for her. So far I have "White stripe on it's back, RUN back to our shack" and "If it smells really shitty - it's probably NOT a kitty!" With my help she can learn.
9/11, two thousand and four
Today's blog is of course dedicated to the men and women who died so needlessly and so cruelly on September 11th, 2001. You people are forever in my hearts. That day literally did change my life forever as it did many peoples. I'll never forget deciding that day I was going to go back into the Navy and help kick some ass. I was worried that I'd be too old - the recruiter told me that due to my 6 years served, I WASN'T too old to re-enlist, all I needed was a waiver. Of course I never did get that waiver or go back into the Navy - thankfully many younger Americans DID.
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It seems my wife can name every actor and actress she sees in any movie or TV - she knows not only their names - but their past movies, how old they are, etc . Me - not so good - here's a conversation that happened at work:
Monkey: "Hey I saw previews for a movie 'Ray' - about Ray Charles - looks like it's gonna be good."
Friend: "Oh yeah? I heard about that - who plays Ray Charles?"
Monkey (Scratching his head): "Um, I don't know - a black actor"
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I hate math (Monkeys suck at math) - and I run across a blog where some joker is assigning ME homework!? Or is he talking to YOU!? If you do this assignment can I cheat off your answers!?
http://math.berkeley.edu/~luiza/math110_F04/math110.html
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My teenaged son - his friends that are girls - gosh - they're all filling in now. One came around the other day wearing a tight, short little tee-shirt over her big and growing breasts. The T-shirt - "Hooters" - I thought - "Sure enough!!"
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I search out new blogs to visit and say hello -it's fun and it's a great way to meet new blogging friends. I see a number of new blogs where either the person has a messed up, broken keyboard, or a messed up BRAIN, or maybe it's both? Do these people know how much of an IDIOT this sort of writing makes them look like!?:
"Hahax...sAme old dAe...sLAckin aT hOmE dOiN nUtTiN...hOlidAe dUn SeEmS lYk hOlIdAe aT all...sTaY aT hOmE fEr sOo mAnI fReAkIn dAe...tOns aNd tOns oF hOmEwOrK iNfOnt oF mi...*Aaaaaa*..fRaNkLy sPeAkIn...sKool gOnNa rEoPeN lE..i sTiLl sLAcKin aT hOmE..hAiz...oNlI doNe 1/4 oF mY hOmEwK nIa..."
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People who need to be pimp-slapped. People who think they need to scream into their cell phones: that think EVERYONE needs to hear or even gives a shit about their conversation. Take your loud-ass outside with that phone and that screaming.
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When I was a growing teenager I got so sick of hearing from relatives "You're shooting up!", or "Gosh I can almost hear you growing!", or "You're getting SO tall" - that I decided to never point this out to my teens every 20 minutes. Instead I'll look at them with a puzzled look and say "Gosh - I could've SWORN you were taller!?"
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I didn't grow up back in the beatnik or hippy days - but one thing I think would be pretty cool about living back then - you could blame everything on "the man". If your job sucked or you weren't making the money you should - you could say "it's the MAN keeping me down" - you could blame wars and crime on "the man" - I think we need "the man" around these days again - so we can blame him for everything. Who wants to be "the man"!?
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The Monkey remembers: When I was a kid, I loved it when I first when into a K-Mart or a "Dime store" - it seemed these stores always smelled like popcorn when you first walk in - a sort of smell like popcorn and candy together.
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The monkey grew up down south and poor, and I lived in some neighborhoods where my family would be the only white family around for miles. More than once when I was a kid out playing I'd hear someone yell "Hey white boy is you lost!?" I wasn't lost at all - or at least I never thought of myself as being lost. It was easy to spot the monkey in class photos - look for the white kid. I learned that some blacks didn't think a little blond-haired boy belonged in their neighborhood at all. I was once riding my bicycle on the side of a street when someone in a moving car came up fast behind me, leaned out and slapped my bare back as hard as they could. It burned like fire and I literally had a huge welt of a hand print on my back for DAYS. Youch.
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Favorite quote from http://grouphug.us: "i like to put lemonade in my eye"
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It seems my wife can name every actor and actress she sees in any movie or TV - she knows not only their names - but their past movies, how old they are, etc . Me - not so good - here's a conversation that happened at work:
Monkey: "Hey I saw previews for a movie 'Ray' - about Ray Charles - looks like it's gonna be good."
Friend: "Oh yeah? I heard about that - who plays Ray Charles?"
Monkey (Scratching his head): "Um, I don't know - a black actor"
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I hate math (Monkeys suck at math) - and I run across a blog where some joker is assigning ME homework!? Or is he talking to YOU!? If you do this assignment can I cheat off your answers!?
http://math.berkeley.edu/~luiza/math110_F04/math110.html
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My teenaged son - his friends that are girls - gosh - they're all filling in now. One came around the other day wearing a tight, short little tee-shirt over her big and growing breasts. The T-shirt - "Hooters" - I thought - "Sure enough!!"
____________________________________________
I search out new blogs to visit and say hello -it's fun and it's a great way to meet new blogging friends. I see a number of new blogs where either the person has a messed up, broken keyboard, or a messed up BRAIN, or maybe it's both? Do these people know how much of an IDIOT this sort of writing makes them look like!?:
"Hahax...sAme old dAe...sLAckin aT hOmE dOiN nUtTiN...hOlidAe dUn SeEmS lYk hOlIdAe aT all...sTaY aT hOmE fEr sOo mAnI fReAkIn dAe...tOns aNd tOns oF hOmEwOrK iNfOnt oF mi...*Aaaaaa*..fRaNkLy sPeAkIn...sKool gOnNa rEoPeN lE..i sTiLl sLAcKin aT hOmE..hAiz...oNlI doNe 1/4 oF mY hOmEwK nIa..."
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People who need to be pimp-slapped. People who think they need to scream into their cell phones: that think EVERYONE needs to hear or even gives a shit about their conversation. Take your loud-ass outside with that phone and that screaming.
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When I was a growing teenager I got so sick of hearing from relatives "You're shooting up!", or "Gosh I can almost hear you growing!", or "You're getting SO tall" - that I decided to never point this out to my teens every 20 minutes. Instead I'll look at them with a puzzled look and say "Gosh - I could've SWORN you were taller!?"
____________________________________________
I didn't grow up back in the beatnik or hippy days - but one thing I think would be pretty cool about living back then - you could blame everything on "the man". If your job sucked or you weren't making the money you should - you could say "it's the MAN keeping me down" - you could blame wars and crime on "the man" - I think we need "the man" around these days again - so we can blame him for everything. Who wants to be "the man"!?
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The Monkey remembers: When I was a kid, I loved it when I first when into a K-Mart or a "Dime store" - it seemed these stores always smelled like popcorn when you first walk in - a sort of smell like popcorn and candy together.
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The monkey grew up down south and poor, and I lived in some neighborhoods where my family would be the only white family around for miles. More than once when I was a kid out playing I'd hear someone yell "Hey white boy is you lost!?" I wasn't lost at all - or at least I never thought of myself as being lost. It was easy to spot the monkey in class photos - look for the white kid. I learned that some blacks didn't think a little blond-haired boy belonged in their neighborhood at all. I was once riding my bicycle on the side of a street when someone in a moving car came up fast behind me, leaned out and slapped my bare back as hard as they could. It burned like fire and I literally had a huge welt of a hand print on my back for DAYS. Youch.
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Favorite quote from http://grouphug.us: "i like to put lemonade in my eye"
September Ninth, two-thousand and 4
Today's blog is dedicated to the 43 people who died in Woodville, Indiana on November 12th, 1906, when the train they were on board crashed head-on into a freight train during a blinding snowstorm. All but two on board were Rumanian, Serbian and Polish immigrants going west to establish new lives. The entire train burned to ashes in minutes.
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I buy tons of socks, and somehow my socks end up in everyone else's sock drawers in my house. Mine say "Hanes" along the toe seam - so I'm going to legally change my name to "Hanes" - and then I pity the fool that I catch in this house with my socks on with MY name on them!
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When I get my monkey hands on those plastic bubble-wrap sheets, I cannot stop popping the bubbles. People who sit around getting their kicks popping those bubbles need to be pimp slapped. It'd be great though if before you slap me you allow me to wrap my face in bubble wrap - THEN slap me - can you imagine the sound?
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Monkey Future Predictions: Once again, in the future it will be discovered that fish cannot be trusted. In the year 2023, a boy will be born in Oklahoma with 2 heads but only one body and he will host a successful talk show when he grows up called "Talking Heads" In the year 2525, if man is still around.. In the year 2014 scientists will discover that the combination of peanut butter and jelly causes cancer. In the future - books will "know" what page you were last reading and open to that page automatically.
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These kids nowadays - spoiled. When my teenaged son goes to bed, he can sneak into his bed his Gameboy and play games under the covers, he can hide his portable DVD under there and watch MOVIES - he can listen to his Walkman under the covers. By golly when I was his age I only had ONE thing I could play with under the covers! Spoiled I tell ya!
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us: " When I alone in the house I pretend I am Elvis Presley!"
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Blogs I'd like to see: Leonardo da Vinci's blog:
March 4, 1503, Italy: Started painting this lady - Mona - I think her last name's Lisa. She ain't the prettiest woman in the world, but hell, she'll do.
March 14, 1503: Too many days looking at this woman - wish she'd try smiling!
March 15, 1503: I think she wants me!
March 17, 1503: She sat for me again - 3 hours today - and afterwards I did her - finally.
March 18, 1503: Painted some Mona, screwed for a bit, painted, screwed. She's a moaner - and I've taken to calling her "Moaner Lisa" - but will call the painting "Mona Lisa" - she's now smiling during her sittings!
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People that need to be pimp slapped: Those people who used to hand out little sandwich bags with a few pieces of popcorn to kids at Halloween. Or even more deserving of a pimp-slap are the people that throw in religious propaganda pamphlets into the children's bags at Halloween - they taste terrible!
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There are porn sites out there that say "Barely legal teens" - where do they get that? (not that the monkey EVER looks at porn) If there's a "barely legal" that'd mean there's a "Barely illegal" - if caught doing something "barely illegal" - would a judge barely sentence you?
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Repeatedly on "Monkey Future Predictions" I have warned my readers about owning pet fish - fish can NOT be trusted and we will learn this in the future. But some of you STILL keep pet fish. Another trivial reason not to have fish and aquariums is that fish know when company is coming over and that's when they'll be swimming around with long string-like poop floating out of their butts and embarrass you. It's all part of their master plan.
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Why do we need a flight attendant to look at our boarding passes when get on a plane and point us to our seats? I think I can figure out that seat "14B" is "down that way"!? And at the gate when they call for "..at this time we ask that those traveling with small children or needing special assistance please board first" - and Joe-twenty-something goes running up - jeez - yeah you need special assistance alright.
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I buy tons of socks, and somehow my socks end up in everyone else's sock drawers in my house. Mine say "Hanes" along the toe seam - so I'm going to legally change my name to "Hanes" - and then I pity the fool that I catch in this house with my socks on with MY name on them!
________________________________________
When I get my monkey hands on those plastic bubble-wrap sheets, I cannot stop popping the bubbles. People who sit around getting their kicks popping those bubbles need to be pimp slapped. It'd be great though if before you slap me you allow me to wrap my face in bubble wrap - THEN slap me - can you imagine the sound?
________________________________________
Monkey Future Predictions: Once again, in the future it will be discovered that fish cannot be trusted. In the year 2023, a boy will be born in Oklahoma with 2 heads but only one body and he will host a successful talk show when he grows up called "Talking Heads" In the year 2525, if man is still around.. In the year 2014 scientists will discover that the combination of peanut butter and jelly causes cancer. In the future - books will "know" what page you were last reading and open to that page automatically.
________________________________________
These kids nowadays - spoiled. When my teenaged son goes to bed, he can sneak into his bed his Gameboy and play games under the covers, he can hide his portable DVD under there and watch MOVIES - he can listen to his Walkman under the covers. By golly when I was his age I only had ONE thing I could play with under the covers! Spoiled I tell ya!
________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us: " When I alone in the house I pretend I am Elvis Presley!"
________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: Leonardo da Vinci's blog:
March 4, 1503, Italy: Started painting this lady - Mona - I think her last name's Lisa. She ain't the prettiest woman in the world, but hell, she'll do.
March 14, 1503: Too many days looking at this woman - wish she'd try smiling!
March 15, 1503: I think she wants me!
March 17, 1503: She sat for me again - 3 hours today - and afterwards I did her - finally.
March 18, 1503: Painted some Mona, screwed for a bit, painted, screwed. She's a moaner - and I've taken to calling her "Moaner Lisa" - but will call the painting "Mona Lisa" - she's now smiling during her sittings!
________________________________________
People that need to be pimp slapped: Those people who used to hand out little sandwich bags with a few pieces of popcorn to kids at Halloween. Or even more deserving of a pimp-slap are the people that throw in religious propaganda pamphlets into the children's bags at Halloween - they taste terrible!
________________________________________
There are porn sites out there that say "Barely legal teens" - where do they get that? (not that the monkey EVER looks at porn) If there's a "barely legal" that'd mean there's a "Barely illegal" - if caught doing something "barely illegal" - would a judge barely sentence you?
________________________________________
Repeatedly on "Monkey Future Predictions" I have warned my readers about owning pet fish - fish can NOT be trusted and we will learn this in the future. But some of you STILL keep pet fish. Another trivial reason not to have fish and aquariums is that fish know when company is coming over and that's when they'll be swimming around with long string-like poop floating out of their butts and embarrass you. It's all part of their master plan.
________________________________________
Why do we need a flight attendant to look at our boarding passes when get on a plane and point us to our seats? I think I can figure out that seat "14B" is "down that way"!? And at the gate when they call for "..at this time we ask that those traveling with small children or needing special assistance please board first" - and Joe-twenty-something goes running up - jeez - yeah you need special assistance alright.
September sixth, two thousand and four
Today's blog is dedicated to the 33 U.S. Sailors who died in June of 1941 within the Submarine "0-9". The sub was on maneuvers east of New Hampshire with two sister submarines - but failed to resurface. Divers discovered the sub three days later - the cause of the sinking was never determined.
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Wizard of Oz - I couldn't help but notice that the Tin Man has no penis - but he's asking for a HEART? - if I had a choice of a heart or a penis and I were the Tin Man - I'd ask for a penis. After all many guys have penis's and no heart (or brains) - Then I'd turn on Dorothy with my new tin toy - and do her in a heartless manner - and that Good Witch lady too, and maybe some of those annoying munchkin girls too while I'm at it.
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My son's first high school dance and he went. They refused to play any Led Zeppelin (Stairway to Heaven is what he had requested) - told him it "didn't promote school spirit" - but they played "Baby got back" - and "It's getting hot in here (so take off your clothes)" Go figure.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Never-Ending Checkbook" (MNEC) - I don't know about you - but the Monkey is tired of running out of checks every 50 or so checks and then I have to search my whole house to figure out where I put the box of checks! The size of a regular checkbook, this ultra-high-tech lightweight device automatically prints off a new check with the next check number when you tear off the previous check.
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Had a brother that would wake up in the morning, come out of the bathroom scratching his ass and grabbing his talley-whacker - then he'd start digging his hand down in the cereal box for the stupid prize at the bottom of the box. I've never liked cereal or the prizes within them since.
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The monkey's first time getting laid - wasn't very romantic - was out at night in a dirt parking lot, on the ground, between two cars! (Reminds me of one of those "you might be a redneck.." things. )
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One of my favorite hobbies is to "go south" with past girlfriends and now my wife. Once, many mango seasons ago when I was a young monkey - I'd been having some great fun and when I came up the chick got all grossed out and wouldn't let me kiss her. Excuse ME!? Go figure.
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Okay - confession time - that word "Miscellaneous"? I'm guilty of always abbreviating it as "Misc." because I don't know how the rest of it goes. (But then I'm a dumb cracker that was educated in the Carolina school system - I had to use a spell-checker to even get it right in today's blog.)
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Watching the Olympics when the female weight lifters are doing their lifts and the commentators say "What a beautiful, clean snatch!" Gosh! The NERVE of those guys!!!
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I've noticed people developing an annoying habit - many folks now, when they hear something funny - will laugh - and at the same time they'll say "That's funny!" - I don't know who started this - but please stop it - laughing almost always means something's funny - cut it out. When you cry do you also proclaim "I'm sad!"?
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People I want to pimp slap: The people who stop and stare at you when the stupid alarms go off when you're leaving Wal-Mart as if you're Tony Soprano. Come on - we all know the cashiers purposely leave the security tags activated on items every X amount of customers - just for a laugh and to test the system - you people turn around and keep walking - this isn't your COPS show - nothing to see here - go on out to your cars!
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Wizard of Oz - I couldn't help but notice that the Tin Man has no penis - but he's asking for a HEART? - if I had a choice of a heart or a penis and I were the Tin Man - I'd ask for a penis. After all many guys have penis's and no heart (or brains) - Then I'd turn on Dorothy with my new tin toy - and do her in a heartless manner - and that Good Witch lady too, and maybe some of those annoying munchkin girls too while I'm at it.
_____________________________________
My son's first high school dance and he went. They refused to play any Led Zeppelin (Stairway to Heaven is what he had requested) - told him it "didn't promote school spirit" - but they played "Baby got back" - and "It's getting hot in here (so take off your clothes)" Go figure.
_____________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Never-Ending Checkbook" (MNEC) - I don't know about you - but the Monkey is tired of running out of checks every 50 or so checks and then I have to search my whole house to figure out where I put the box of checks! The size of a regular checkbook, this ultra-high-tech lightweight device automatically prints off a new check with the next check number when you tear off the previous check.
_____________________________________
Had a brother that would wake up in the morning, come out of the bathroom scratching his ass and grabbing his talley-whacker - then he'd start digging his hand down in the cereal box for the stupid prize at the bottom of the box. I've never liked cereal or the prizes within them since.
_____________________________________
The monkey's first time getting laid - wasn't very romantic - was out at night in a dirt parking lot, on the ground, between two cars! (Reminds me of one of those "you might be a redneck.." things. )
_____________________________________
One of my favorite hobbies is to "go south" with past girlfriends and now my wife. Once, many mango seasons ago when I was a young monkey - I'd been having some great fun and when I came up the chick got all grossed out and wouldn't let me kiss her. Excuse ME!? Go figure.
_____________________________________
Okay - confession time - that word "Miscellaneous"? I'm guilty of always abbreviating it as "Misc." because I don't know how the rest of it goes. (But then I'm a dumb cracker that was educated in the Carolina school system - I had to use a spell-checker to even get it right in today's blog.)
_____________________________________
Watching the Olympics when the female weight lifters are doing their lifts and the commentators say "What a beautiful, clean snatch!" Gosh! The NERVE of those guys!!!
_____________________________________
I've noticed people developing an annoying habit - many folks now, when they hear something funny - will laugh - and at the same time they'll say "That's funny!" - I don't know who started this - but please stop it - laughing almost always means something's funny - cut it out. When you cry do you also proclaim "I'm sad!"?
_____________________________________
People I want to pimp slap: The people who stop and stare at you when the stupid alarms go off when you're leaving Wal-Mart as if you're Tony Soprano. Come on - we all know the cashiers purposely leave the security tags activated on items every X amount of customers - just for a laugh and to test the system - you people turn around and keep walking - this isn't your COPS show - nothing to see here - go on out to your cars!
September third, 2004 - Skunk Day
Today's blog is dedicated to Jacquelyn D. Aldridge, a 46 year old Accountant for Marsh & McLennan Cos. Inc. from New York City, New York. Jacquelyn was killed by terrorist pigs on September 11th in the World Trade Center.
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This morning before work after letting my dog outside to do her thing she and a skunk had a fight and the skunk won - unfortunately she took direct hits from this skunk of claws and skunk stank - and even more unfortunately I let the dog back in the house before realizing she'd been sprayed. Therefore it's been a terrible, terrible long stinking day of gagging, of skunk stink, of dog baths, of carpet cleaning, of laundry - so the Monkey is only putting out a short blog today - I've got to get away from this house and this dog - the neighborhood bar is calling my name and my wife is there already waiting on me.
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I wonder, Spongebob Squarepants - he's obviously full of water because he's a sponge - what would happen if someone took Spongebog out of the water!? Would he shrivel up?
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Some women seem to love to be around homosexual guys. ("Fag Hags" they're called) - my wife seems to be one of them - so many shows on TV are about homosexuals - theirs the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy show, there's Gay Aiken playing, they're everywhere on TV. That's all fine and dandy - but if a GUY wants to see hot young lesbian women getting it on (And what guy doesn't?) - the women act like we're perverts. Once again the Monkey is confused.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Scoutmaster Camp" (R) - a documentary that focuses on a single day at a Boy Scouts of America Scoutmaster Retreat in Casper, Wyoming. Where men from all over the nation come to learn how to be better leaders to America's young Scouts. (2hrs, 4 min) (Graphic violence, extreme nudity, sodomy, Drug use, adult situations, harsh language)
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There IS an advantage to having a teenaged son around: if I think *I* get into trouble with my wife, it's NOTHING compared to some of the things HE does - I have it easy! Romane Noodles were found all over the washing machine after washing the teenaged son's clothes - seems he has been putting bags of them in his pants pockets? So it's kind of nice - if I'm in the dog house with my wife I just have to wait a bit - my son will SURELY top whatever I said or did in no time!
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My Aunt would tell us kids at the beach - "Put your ear to the seashell and you can hear the ocean!" What the hell!? Why would I sit AT THE OCEAN and listen into a seashell to hear the ocean!? I always felt like saying - "Put your lips to my ass and you can kiss my ass" - but I never did - I was a good kid back then.
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Do you ever order a LARGE soda at the counter of a fast food resteraunt and then feel like a complete fool when they hand it to you and you realize they have a machine where you get your own drink - all you can drink? I do. Especially if I make that mistake twice.
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You hear some crazy LONG complicated names for cigarettes at the store - I was BEHIND a lady the other day and I swear it went like
Lady: "I need 2 packs of Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Light 100's in a box"
Cashier: "Benson & Hedges Ultra-Light 100's in a box?"
Lady: "No - Benson & Hedges MENTHOL Ultra-Light 100's in a box"
Cashier "Hmmm - we don't have the 100's, we have Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Lights regulars in a box though"
Lady: "You've got no Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Light 100's in a box!? - hell, just give me the regulars then"
Cashier: "Here you go, one pack of Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Light regulars in a box"
Lady: "No, I need TWO packs of Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Light regulars in a box"
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Skunk...house...dog...stink....monkey is dying....beer waiting for the monkey at the bar....must...go.....bye!
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This morning before work after letting my dog outside to do her thing she and a skunk had a fight and the skunk won - unfortunately she took direct hits from this skunk of claws and skunk stank - and even more unfortunately I let the dog back in the house before realizing she'd been sprayed. Therefore it's been a terrible, terrible long stinking day of gagging, of skunk stink, of dog baths, of carpet cleaning, of laundry - so the Monkey is only putting out a short blog today - I've got to get away from this house and this dog - the neighborhood bar is calling my name and my wife is there already waiting on me.
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I wonder, Spongebob Squarepants - he's obviously full of water because he's a sponge - what would happen if someone took Spongebog out of the water!? Would he shrivel up?
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Some women seem to love to be around homosexual guys. ("Fag Hags" they're called) - my wife seems to be one of them - so many shows on TV are about homosexuals - theirs the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy show, there's Gay Aiken playing, they're everywhere on TV. That's all fine and dandy - but if a GUY wants to see hot young lesbian women getting it on (And what guy doesn't?) - the women act like we're perverts. Once again the Monkey is confused.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Scoutmaster Camp" (R) - a documentary that focuses on a single day at a Boy Scouts of America Scoutmaster Retreat in Casper, Wyoming. Where men from all over the nation come to learn how to be better leaders to America's young Scouts. (2hrs, 4 min) (Graphic violence, extreme nudity, sodomy, Drug use, adult situations, harsh language)
_____________________________
There IS an advantage to having a teenaged son around: if I think *I* get into trouble with my wife, it's NOTHING compared to some of the things HE does - I have it easy! Romane Noodles were found all over the washing machine after washing the teenaged son's clothes - seems he has been putting bags of them in his pants pockets? So it's kind of nice - if I'm in the dog house with my wife I just have to wait a bit - my son will SURELY top whatever I said or did in no time!
_____________________________
My Aunt would tell us kids at the beach - "Put your ear to the seashell and you can hear the ocean!" What the hell!? Why would I sit AT THE OCEAN and listen into a seashell to hear the ocean!? I always felt like saying - "Put your lips to my ass and you can kiss my ass" - but I never did - I was a good kid back then.
_____________________________
Do you ever order a LARGE soda at the counter of a fast food resteraunt and then feel like a complete fool when they hand it to you and you realize they have a machine where you get your own drink - all you can drink? I do. Especially if I make that mistake twice.
_____________________________
You hear some crazy LONG complicated names for cigarettes at the store - I was BEHIND a lady the other day and I swear it went like
Lady: "I need 2 packs of Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Light 100's in a box"
Cashier: "Benson & Hedges Ultra-Light 100's in a box?"
Lady: "No - Benson & Hedges MENTHOL Ultra-Light 100's in a box"
Cashier "Hmmm - we don't have the 100's, we have Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Lights regulars in a box though"
Lady: "You've got no Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Light 100's in a box!? - hell, just give me the regulars then"
Cashier: "Here you go, one pack of Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Light regulars in a box"
Lady: "No, I need TWO packs of Benson & Hedges Menthol Ultra-Light regulars in a box"
_____________________________
Skunk...house...dog...stink....monkey is dying....beer waiting for the monkey at the bar....must...go.....bye!
Gosh it's September First, two-thousand and four
Have you ever gone to your dog and thanked him or her for inventing the Doggy-Style position - it's something THEY invented for US and most of us use it often but never really express our appreciation. If you have a dog - please go thank him or her now - I'll wait...
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "CD Putty" - just like Silly Putty, except this stuff is used to copy CD's! Simply take the "CD Putty" out of it's plastic egg, flatten it out onto any CD or DVD, pull it off, and stick it on a new blank recordable CD or DVD - instant copy! No messing with picky software programs, etc.
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If my wife and I ever have a little girl, and she comes out Japanese, (Which would be odd) I'm going to name her "Bukkake" Isn't that just a beautiful Japanese name?
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Crazy Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Pain Wind" (R) - the setting is the year 2024. In the year 2024, for unknown reasons, wind will become painful to mankind. Even a small gust of wind will feel like acid being thrown on ones skin and cause severe agony to humans. Being outdoors is a scary thing in 2024 and people avoid it at all costs. That's the setting for "Pain Wind" - but it doesn't have a plot. Monkey Productions has overbudgeted this movie and is releasing it "as is". Who needs a plot anyway. (3 hrs, 7 min)
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Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written by a young Missionary man:
July 7, 2004: Had sex with the wife - she lay with her legs open and I was on top....AGAIN!
July 9, 2004: Sex again - you guessed it - I was on top of her. Sigh
July 12, 2004: tonight I was on top of her and she was below me with her legs opened.
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Stupid things the Monkey has said/done: I used to work with a lot of our Indian friends (as in from India) - I was sitting next to one fellow watching him work on something (I'm good at that) - and I noticed a drawing of an elephant-man on his desk. Americans have fun things like Spongebog Squarepants pictures on their desks, so I thought it was some fun Indian thing. "Cool!" I said - "Who's the Elephant-dude!? - is that Babaar!?" He stared at me for a minute and finally answered - "That is my God." OOPS! (I later looked it up - it's a Hindu Deity named Ganesha) - but it gave me an idea - I had a Gumby at MY desk - the next time an Indian sat down in my cube and started playing with Gumby, twisting his arms and legs, I was going to scream - "NOO! That is MY GOD! You have angered him!!"
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My wife sort of gets grossed out when we see a horse standing out by the road with it's Johnson out. If I were a horse and mine were that big I'd be standing there with it out too! I'd be proud of it!
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My HP printer has some sort of special feature where it "knows" when I'm about to print something IMPORTANT and it will run out of paper - so I'll put in more paper and it will run out of ink.
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Have you noticed in most households men get really exciting, thrilling chores to do? When my dog gets crusties in her eye ("eye boogers") - my wife calls for ME to clean the dogs eyes with a tissue. What did I do to deserve such a noble responsibility? I have put this on my resume.
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I think it would be fun to have an actual aircraft bathroom in my HOUSE - authentic in every way from the swirling blue water to the "Occupied" lever on the door to the huge scary sucking sound when you push the lever that scares the daylights out of folks. I think I'll check eBay for this toilet right away.
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My wife played her Gay Aiken CD yesterday in the kitchen while she was cooking. Luckily I was outside doing some yard work - but I could still hear him - in MY house. I considered for a moment chugging from the Ortho Weed Killer bottle I had in my hand and ending the pain quickly.
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____________________________________________
Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "CD Putty" - just like Silly Putty, except this stuff is used to copy CD's! Simply take the "CD Putty" out of it's plastic egg, flatten it out onto any CD or DVD, pull it off, and stick it on a new blank recordable CD or DVD - instant copy! No messing with picky software programs, etc.
____________________________________________
If my wife and I ever have a little girl, and she comes out Japanese, (Which would be odd) I'm going to name her "Bukkake" Isn't that just a beautiful Japanese name?
____________________________________________
Crazy Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Pain Wind" (R) - the setting is the year 2024. In the year 2024, for unknown reasons, wind will become painful to mankind. Even a small gust of wind will feel like acid being thrown on ones skin and cause severe agony to humans. Being outdoors is a scary thing in 2024 and people avoid it at all costs. That's the setting for "Pain Wind" - but it doesn't have a plot. Monkey Productions has overbudgeted this movie and is releasing it "as is". Who needs a plot anyway. (3 hrs, 7 min)
____________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written by a young Missionary man:
July 7, 2004: Had sex with the wife - she lay with her legs open and I was on top....AGAIN!
July 9, 2004: Sex again - you guessed it - I was on top of her. Sigh
July 12, 2004: tonight I was on top of her and she was below me with her legs opened.
____________________________________________
Stupid things the Monkey has said/done: I used to work with a lot of our Indian friends (as in from India) - I was sitting next to one fellow watching him work on something (I'm good at that) - and I noticed a drawing of an elephant-man on his desk. Americans have fun things like Spongebog Squarepants pictures on their desks, so I thought it was some fun Indian thing. "Cool!" I said - "Who's the Elephant-dude!? - is that Babaar!?" He stared at me for a minute and finally answered - "That is my God." OOPS! (I later looked it up - it's a Hindu Deity named Ganesha) - but it gave me an idea - I had a Gumby at MY desk - the next time an Indian sat down in my cube and started playing with Gumby, twisting his arms and legs, I was going to scream - "NOO! That is MY GOD! You have angered him!!"
____________________________________________
My wife sort of gets grossed out when we see a horse standing out by the road with it's Johnson out. If I were a horse and mine were that big I'd be standing there with it out too! I'd be proud of it!
____________________________________________
My HP printer has some sort of special feature where it "knows" when I'm about to print something IMPORTANT and it will run out of paper - so I'll put in more paper and it will run out of ink.
____________________________________________
Have you noticed in most households men get really exciting, thrilling chores to do? When my dog gets crusties in her eye ("eye boogers") - my wife calls for ME to clean the dogs eyes with a tissue. What did I do to deserve such a noble responsibility? I have put this on my resume.
____________________________________________
I think it would be fun to have an actual aircraft bathroom in my HOUSE - authentic in every way from the swirling blue water to the "Occupied" lever on the door to the huge scary sucking sound when you push the lever that scares the daylights out of folks. I think I'll check eBay for this toilet right away.
____________________________________________
My wife played her Gay Aiken CD yesterday in the kitchen while she was cooking. Luckily I was outside doing some yard work - but I could still hear him - in MY house. I considered for a moment chugging from the Ortho Weed Killer bottle I had in my hand and ending the pain quickly.
