The
Monkey CageMonday, August thirty, two-thousand and four.
Today's blog is dedicated to Mrs. Virginia Boyd Dent, who died yesterday in Augusta, Georgia at the age of 92. She was a retired school teacher and although she is a complete stranger to you and I, I'm sure she was a wonderful lady and loved by many.
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I wonder how long an olympic platform diver would last if they did perfect dives, twists, etc, but at right before hitting the water held their nose? Would they take off a point for nose-pinching?
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Devout Man" (R) - the touching true story of a man who goes to his local church, gets down on his knees to pray, has a heart attack, and dies in that position, but no one knows he's dead - they think he's praying. Watch as his family and friends leave him alone - watch as the preacher is impressed with this man's dedication and even leaves the light on at night in the church. Impressed but concerned, his family and other church members bring him food and water - but he is only interested in praying. (2 hrs, 20 min)
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My favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/: " I'm listening to techno right now. I know it's only one song, but I still feel shitty about liking it. Damn, I suck."
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What would happen if a gorilla in the zoo spent all of his time playing with himself? They'd have to move him somewhere because I'm sure the zoo visitors would complain about his antics - but they couldn't return him to the wild because he'd not make it there, and they couldn't put him back on display. What would they do with the masturbating gorilla? These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.
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People I would like to pimp-slap: The people with the "Baby on board" signs in the backs of their cars - as a driver - what the HELL do you want ME to do about that? Am I supposed to NOT rear-end these people because they have a baby on board? Am I supposed to driver slower around them? What the HELL am I supposed to do or say about that!?
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I saw a friend the other day with a music CD - it had a nice pretty label on it - a picture even, not a title written with a magic marker. It also had a cool insert with the lyrics written on it. I asked him about it - and he told me he bought the pretty CD. Can you imagine - you can actually BUY a music CD!? It's nice, but to me it's stealing to buy music CD's from a store - what about the poor programmers that work their asses off writing code to rip songs and burn CD's - those programmers have families to feed! How can you sleep at night!?
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I worked in a cube next to a Chinese man - a nice man, a great programmer, but his manners were insane. He talked with food in his mouth, chewed with his mouth open, burped all day long, but worst of all this man farted over in his cube - all day long he farted. I put up with it and never said a word. Once I was in a playful mood, and he let yet another huge Chinese fart go over there and I hollered over at him "What'd you say?" And he answered "Oh - sorry - excuse me" (He thought I'd said "What DO you say?")
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Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written by a Mathematical Physicist. It would look surprisingly a lot like the other blog I'd like to see - the blog of the cat laying on the keyboard:
July 1, 2004: 123*abf(jk)/119.3
July 2, 2004: CDe(11.3) * 11 f(6)
July 3, 2004: 911133BD = MCL 1/2
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Do you ever feel guilty when you're vacuuming a room and you run the vacuum cleaner under a couch or table without first looking under there to make sure there's no coins, paper clips, etc. under there? I don't.
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I have a new hobby - instead of cussing and closing every friggin' pop-up ad that comes up when I'm online - I'm going to LEAVE THEM UP - and see how many I can have up at once - it'll be a new and exciting hobby. Right now I have 5 pop-ups. I will call this new and exciting hobby/game: "Pop-Up Collecting" - how many can YOU get in one day? In one week?
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Helpful Tip to Monkey-Cage readers: When you're a kid, humming or singing into a fan is a lot of fun and entertaining, but please don't let anyone catch you doing it when you're 39 years old.
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I wonder how long an olympic platform diver would last if they did perfect dives, twists, etc, but at right before hitting the water held their nose? Would they take off a point for nose-pinching?
_____________________________________________________
Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Devout Man" (R) - the touching true story of a man who goes to his local church, gets down on his knees to pray, has a heart attack, and dies in that position, but no one knows he's dead - they think he's praying. Watch as his family and friends leave him alone - watch as the preacher is impressed with this man's dedication and even leaves the light on at night in the church. Impressed but concerned, his family and other church members bring him food and water - but he is only interested in praying. (2 hrs, 20 min)
_____________________________________________________
My favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/: " I'm listening to techno right now. I know it's only one song, but I still feel shitty about liking it. Damn, I suck."
_____________________________________________________
What would happen if a gorilla in the zoo spent all of his time playing with himself? They'd have to move him somewhere because I'm sure the zoo visitors would complain about his antics - but they couldn't return him to the wild because he'd not make it there, and they couldn't put him back on display. What would they do with the masturbating gorilla? These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.
_____________________________________________________
People I would like to pimp-slap: The people with the "Baby on board" signs in the backs of their cars - as a driver - what the HELL do you want ME to do about that? Am I supposed to NOT rear-end these people because they have a baby on board? Am I supposed to driver slower around them? What the HELL am I supposed to do or say about that!?
_____________________________________________________
I saw a friend the other day with a music CD - it had a nice pretty label on it - a picture even, not a title written with a magic marker. It also had a cool insert with the lyrics written on it. I asked him about it - and he told me he bought the pretty CD. Can you imagine - you can actually BUY a music CD!? It's nice, but to me it's stealing to buy music CD's from a store - what about the poor programmers that work their asses off writing code to rip songs and burn CD's - those programmers have families to feed! How can you sleep at night!?
_____________________________________________________
I worked in a cube next to a Chinese man - a nice man, a great programmer, but his manners were insane. He talked with food in his mouth, chewed with his mouth open, burped all day long, but worst of all this man farted over in his cube - all day long he farted. I put up with it and never said a word. Once I was in a playful mood, and he let yet another huge Chinese fart go over there and I hollered over at him "What'd you say?" And he answered "Oh - sorry - excuse me" (He thought I'd said "What DO you say?")
_____________________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written by a Mathematical Physicist. It would look surprisingly a lot like the other blog I'd like to see - the blog of the cat laying on the keyboard:
July 1, 2004: 123*abf(jk)/119.3
July 2, 2004: CDe(11.3) * 11 f(6)
July 3, 2004: 911133BD = MCL 1/2
_____________________________________________________
Do you ever feel guilty when you're vacuuming a room and you run the vacuum cleaner under a couch or table without first looking under there to make sure there's no coins, paper clips, etc. under there? I don't.
_____________________________________________________
I have a new hobby - instead of cussing and closing every friggin' pop-up ad that comes up when I'm online - I'm going to LEAVE THEM UP - and see how many I can have up at once - it'll be a new and exciting hobby. Right now I have 5 pop-ups. I will call this new and exciting hobby/game: "Pop-Up Collecting" - how many can YOU get in one day? In one week?
_____________________________________________________
Helpful Tip to Monkey-Cage readers: When you're a kid, humming or singing into a fan is a lot of fun and entertaining, but please don't let anyone catch you doing it when you're 39 years old.
August twenty-seventh, two-thousand and four
Today's blog is dedicated to Gerald L. Franks Sr., who died on November 21, 2001 from Cancer of the bile duct. He was 63 and lived in Detroit. Gerald was an optician.
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The monkey thinks things have changed so much - remember when every seat in a car had an ashtray? Remember when everyone joked and worried about the KGB? - perhaps now kids will think it funny to find an ashtray in a new car - and they may ask - "Who the hell is the KGB?"
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I think if given a choice between me and her Dish Network/PVR - my wife would choose the Dish Network and her PVR. I'm skeered and hope she never has to chose. Please pray for the monkey.
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I work with a bunch of chicks - and often they'll all agree on when a guy is "hot" - so I'll go look at the guy to see what girls mean by "hot" - then later they'll say a guy is "cute" - so I'll go see what they mean by "cute". I don't think I've ever heard 'em say a guy is hot AND cute. I guess it could happen. I don't know how they tell the difference between "hot" and "cute". With guys I don't think we have that many descriptions for girls. We tend to just say "check out the babe".
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Watching the Olympics has me wondering - Why are parents of Olympic athletes sitting way up in the stands filming their sons/daughters down there on the field? Don't you think there's a CHANCE that someone else may be filming? Like maybe a few TV Networks? And maybe from closer up? Do they have VCR's or PVR's at home? Did I tell you my wife has Dish Network and a PVR with many hours on it?
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I never was one of those fools that climbed a water tower and wrote something romantic or stupid. I don't really lose sleep over it though.
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Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written by an optometrist:
July 14th: This is my first blog - can you read it okay?
July 15th: Is this second blog entry better or worse than the one yesterday?
July 16th: What about this one - is it better...or worse?
July 17th: We've looked at some other blog entries - and now here's a new one - is it better or worse?
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People that need to be pimp slapped: I've never been a cashier - but to me it looks like a royal pain when customers take their money and slap it all down on the counter instead of putting it into the cashier's hand - and the cashier has to pick up all that loose change - if I were a cashier - I'd be a pimp-slappin' cashier.
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The other morning at Dairy Queen at the drive-through I got my father-in-law a banana split:
Drive through foreign guy (yep - even in Montana): "Would jew like a leed for that spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive through guy: "Do you want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A lead?"
Drive through guy: "Do you want a COVER to put on the banana spleet!?"
Me; "OHHH! No - no thanks - no leed for it"
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More people that need to be pimp slapped: People that call you and when you answer the phone - "Hello?" - they say "Who is this?"
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Out of boredom I watched my dog do her business outside today. She goes to a spot, poops some, goes to another spot, pees, goes to another spot, poops some more, another spot and she pees. I think I'm going to start doing this in my house. I'm going to poop some in my toilet - smell it, then go to the kids's bathroom and pee, smell that, then run to my mother-in-law's bathroom and poop some more, pee some more in my kid's toilet, and then go back to my bathroom and finish pooping. This could be a new hobby and is bound to be a lot of fun.
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The monkey thinks things have changed so much - remember when every seat in a car had an ashtray? Remember when everyone joked and worried about the KGB? - perhaps now kids will think it funny to find an ashtray in a new car - and they may ask - "Who the hell is the KGB?"
_____________________________________________________
I think if given a choice between me and her Dish Network/PVR - my wife would choose the Dish Network and her PVR. I'm skeered and hope she never has to chose. Please pray for the monkey.
_____________________________________________________
I work with a bunch of chicks - and often they'll all agree on when a guy is "hot" - so I'll go look at the guy to see what girls mean by "hot" - then later they'll say a guy is "cute" - so I'll go see what they mean by "cute". I don't think I've ever heard 'em say a guy is hot AND cute. I guess it could happen. I don't know how they tell the difference between "hot" and "cute". With guys I don't think we have that many descriptions for girls. We tend to just say "check out the babe".
_____________________________________________________
Watching the Olympics has me wondering - Why are parents of Olympic athletes sitting way up in the stands filming their sons/daughters down there on the field? Don't you think there's a CHANCE that someone else may be filming? Like maybe a few TV Networks? And maybe from closer up? Do they have VCR's or PVR's at home? Did I tell you my wife has Dish Network and a PVR with many hours on it?
_____________________________________________________
I never was one of those fools that climbed a water tower and wrote something romantic or stupid. I don't really lose sleep over it though.
_____________________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written by an optometrist:
July 14th: This is my first blog - can you read it okay?
July 15th: Is this second blog entry better or worse than the one yesterday?
July 16th: What about this one - is it better...or worse?
July 17th: We've looked at some other blog entries - and now here's a new one - is it better or worse?
_____________________________________________________
People that need to be pimp slapped: I've never been a cashier - but to me it looks like a royal pain when customers take their money and slap it all down on the counter instead of putting it into the cashier's hand - and the cashier has to pick up all that loose change - if I were a cashier - I'd be a pimp-slappin' cashier.
_____________________________________________________
The other morning at Dairy Queen at the drive-through I got my father-in-law a banana split:
Drive through foreign guy (yep - even in Montana): "Would jew like a leed for that spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive through guy: "Do you want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A lead?"
Drive through guy: "Do you want a COVER to put on the banana spleet!?"
Me; "OHHH! No - no thanks - no leed for it"
_____________________________________________________
More people that need to be pimp slapped: People that call you and when you answer the phone - "Hello?" - they say "Who is this?"
_____________________________________________________
Out of boredom I watched my dog do her business outside today. She goes to a spot, poops some, goes to another spot, pees, goes to another spot, poops some more, another spot and she pees. I think I'm going to start doing this in my house. I'm going to poop some in my toilet - smell it, then go to the kids's bathroom and pee, smell that, then run to my mother-in-law's bathroom and poop some more, pee some more in my kid's toilet, and then go back to my bathroom and finish pooping. This could be a new hobby and is bound to be a lot of fun.
August twenty-forth, two-thousand and four
Todays Blog is dedicated to the 188 women that were killed in 1993 in Taiwan in a Toy Factory Fire. (Another 469 were injured, many seriously or permanently) The buildings were death traps - there were no fire extinguishers, no alarms, no sprinkler systems.
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Wouldn't it be great if a refrigerator company built a fridge that had the bottom vent thing that STAYED ON? They get kicked off and tend to never stay on again.
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Hilarious idea: What if at one of those "glory hole" places a person were to put a realistic but fake rubber one through the hole - and the guy (or gal) on the other side would work at it and work at it and finally give up?
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"Ground control to major Tom - Take your protein pill and put your helmet on." - this, that - why can't they just leave Major Tom the fuck ALONE in his tin can? Mission Control - what a bunch of pests.
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Blogs I'd like to see: Steroid-User Blog:
July 1: Started using steroids - gonna be big big big
July 4: Working out more - not as sore - getting bigger, stronger. My wife and kids are already noticing nice changes.
July 8: My talley-whacker was small to start with - now looks even smaller - but muscles - me growing
July 14: Got angry today and threw my 8 year old girl off the roof - whoops. Muscles bigger, penis smaller
July 18: Bitch wife talking too much - me put her through the living room wall. Muscles even bigger, penis/testicles missing.
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I have in the past gone into my bathroom in the morning, half-asleep, and proceeded to put Desitin Diaper Rash Ointment on my toothbrush and brushed with it. That's a fine way to wake up. (And don't even ask me why we have Desitin in the house when we've not had a baby in diapers in many mango seasons!)
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Old School Fool" - The touching story of an elderly bank robber. After 50 years in prison, Charlie returns to the only occupation he ever knew - bank robbery. Trouble is - he still uses old school language and terms and no bank teller takes him seriously. "Stick 'em up" - "Alright toots - don't be a wise guy with me", "Say, who's in charge here" etc. Watch as Charlie goes from bank to bank and is laughed out of each one. (2 hrs 3 min) - (Violence, extreme nudity, sexual situations)
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After we were married - my wife once told me that one (of the many) things she loved about me was that she had NEVER heard me talk badly about anyone - no one. She was right - I never did - for real - I literally did not say anything at all if I could not say something nice about anyone. Over the years this has changed - and she also noticed - and has pointed it out. So the monkey is on a mission - not to speak poorly about anyone - like the old days. Wish me luck.
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Ed at work - he's a slack-jawed, yellow-bellied, stupid, smelly ignorant bastard.
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Do you think it's possible for a guy's wife to have a close female friend and that guy never ONCE think about a threesome? I don't think it's possible.
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People I'd like to pimp-slap: People that talk with food in their mouths.
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_____________________________________________________
Wouldn't it be great if a refrigerator company built a fridge that had the bottom vent thing that STAYED ON? They get kicked off and tend to never stay on again.
_____________________________________________________
Hilarious idea: What if at one of those "glory hole" places a person were to put a realistic but fake rubber one through the hole - and the guy (or gal) on the other side would work at it and work at it and finally give up?
_____________________________________________________
"Ground control to major Tom - Take your protein pill and put your helmet on." - this, that - why can't they just leave Major Tom the fuck ALONE in his tin can? Mission Control - what a bunch of pests.
_____________________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: Steroid-User Blog:
July 1: Started using steroids - gonna be big big big
July 4: Working out more - not as sore - getting bigger, stronger. My wife and kids are already noticing nice changes.
July 8: My talley-whacker was small to start with - now looks even smaller - but muscles - me growing
July 14: Got angry today and threw my 8 year old girl off the roof - whoops. Muscles bigger, penis smaller
July 18: Bitch wife talking too much - me put her through the living room wall. Muscles even bigger, penis/testicles missing.
_____________________________________________________
I have in the past gone into my bathroom in the morning, half-asleep, and proceeded to put Desitin Diaper Rash Ointment on my toothbrush and brushed with it. That's a fine way to wake up. (And don't even ask me why we have Desitin in the house when we've not had a baby in diapers in many mango seasons!)
_____________________________________________________
Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Old School Fool" - The touching story of an elderly bank robber. After 50 years in prison, Charlie returns to the only occupation he ever knew - bank robbery. Trouble is - he still uses old school language and terms and no bank teller takes him seriously. "Stick 'em up" - "Alright toots - don't be a wise guy with me", "Say, who's in charge here" etc. Watch as Charlie goes from bank to bank and is laughed out of each one. (2 hrs 3 min) - (Violence, extreme nudity, sexual situations)
_____________________________________________________
After we were married - my wife once told me that one (of the many) things she loved about me was that she had NEVER heard me talk badly about anyone - no one. She was right - I never did - for real - I literally did not say anything at all if I could not say something nice about anyone. Over the years this has changed - and she also noticed - and has pointed it out. So the monkey is on a mission - not to speak poorly about anyone - like the old days. Wish me luck.
_____________________________________________________
Ed at work - he's a slack-jawed, yellow-bellied, stupid, smelly ignorant bastard.
_____________________________________________________
Do you think it's possible for a guy's wife to have a close female friend and that guy never ONCE think about a threesome? I don't think it's possible.
_____________________________________________________
People I'd like to pimp-slap: People that talk with food in their mouths.
The Monkey is BACK! (and Disclaimer)
I'm BACK!
All of my family visitors have departed - and I have my computer room back and access to my computer freely. (Except for my teenaged son has discovered the joys of "chatting" and thinks he must chat with three different strangers at once 24 hours a day.
Before the monkey gets back to his regular blogging - I must publish the official Monkey Cage Blog disclaimer. Please read and understand it - as you as a Monkey Cage Reader and and will be held responsible for knowing this disclaimer in it's entirety:
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. 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Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. 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This supersedes all previous notices
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All of my family visitors have departed - and I have my computer room back and access to my computer freely. (Except for my teenaged son has discovered the joys of "chatting" and thinks he must chat with three different strangers at once 24 hours a day.
Before the monkey gets back to his regular blogging - I must publish the official Monkey Cage Blog disclaimer. Please read and understand it - as you as a Monkey Cage Reader and and will be held responsible for knowing this disclaimer in it's entirety:
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool. process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. 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August 20, two-thousand and four
Note: The Monkey is still not blogging until early next week - still have company in the house - and one staying in the "computer room" - so my blogging is so limited. The monkey will be back in full force before ya know it. Today's blog is just a quick "mini-blog". Hope you're all doing super well!?
__________________________________________
Today's little short mini-blog is dedicated to Elmer I. Johnson, who died August 13th, 2004 at the age of 83 in the Bay area of California. Elmer was a WW II veteran and later an ironworker.
__________________________________________
I was in the Dairy Queen Drive-through the other day and a girl went into the store and soon afterwards out came a huge Dairy Queen mascot - a big huge ice cream cone - I recognized her legs. I was in the drive-thru waiting on my order as this ice cream cone lady walked by. WHAT IF I were to holler out the window at her - "Come here - let me lick you!" How do you think that would go over? Probably not too well with my wife - but it'd be funny as hell.
__________________________________________
Two of the monkeys favorite things when I was a kid I could get at the State fair for very little money - I used to love those birds that are made of a glass tube that you put in front of a glass or bowl of water and they dip down and drink from it. What are those called? Dipping birds? Were they cool or what!? And what about the little plastic box that came with two or three "Mexican Jumping Beans" in them? HOURS of fun! I loved Mexican Jumping beans!
__________________________________________
I have found that when my wife and I get ready for work in the morning, if she's using her hair dryer when I get out of the shower and I stand just right - I don't have to dry off so much with the towel. I could write a book on laziness.
__________________________________________
Do flight attendants PURPOSELY jam that stupid big-assed metal "snack cart" into the arms and knees of passengers when they're pushing it down the aisle? I think they do.
__________________________________________
We were discussing tunneling critters at work today - and discussing how big the burrows can get of some of those animals - I used to live in Australia so I mentioned that the Australian Wombats can dig really deep, wide tunnels. A less-than-bright co-worker pipes up with - "Oh I HATE those things - one time in my barn one came out of the loft and was flying around and fluttering in my hair and I was like, gross!" Flying Wombats - what's next?
__________________________________________
The lady at work with the vaginal hernia - thankfully, she's NOT given me an update recently on her vagina - but it has been duly noted that SOMEONE at work has a big huge tube of "Vaginol Cream" in the (shared) bathroom. PLEASE!
|
__________________________________________
Today's little short mini-blog is dedicated to Elmer I. Johnson, who died August 13th, 2004 at the age of 83 in the Bay area of California. Elmer was a WW II veteran and later an ironworker.
__________________________________________
I was in the Dairy Queen Drive-through the other day and a girl went into the store and soon afterwards out came a huge Dairy Queen mascot - a big huge ice cream cone - I recognized her legs. I was in the drive-thru waiting on my order as this ice cream cone lady walked by. WHAT IF I were to holler out the window at her - "Come here - let me lick you!" How do you think that would go over? Probably not too well with my wife - but it'd be funny as hell.
__________________________________________
Two of the monkeys favorite things when I was a kid I could get at the State fair for very little money - I used to love those birds that are made of a glass tube that you put in front of a glass or bowl of water and they dip down and drink from it. What are those called? Dipping birds? Were they cool or what!? And what about the little plastic box that came with two or three "Mexican Jumping Beans" in them? HOURS of fun! I loved Mexican Jumping beans!
__________________________________________
I have found that when my wife and I get ready for work in the morning, if she's using her hair dryer when I get out of the shower and I stand just right - I don't have to dry off so much with the towel. I could write a book on laziness.
__________________________________________
Do flight attendants PURPOSELY jam that stupid big-assed metal "snack cart" into the arms and knees of passengers when they're pushing it down the aisle? I think they do.
__________________________________________
We were discussing tunneling critters at work today - and discussing how big the burrows can get of some of those animals - I used to live in Australia so I mentioned that the Australian Wombats can dig really deep, wide tunnels. A less-than-bright co-worker pipes up with - "Oh I HATE those things - one time in my barn one came out of the loft and was flying around and fluttering in my hair and I was like, gross!" Flying Wombats - what's next?
__________________________________________
The lady at work with the vaginal hernia - thankfully, she's NOT given me an update recently on her vagina - but it has been duly noted that SOMEONE at work has a big huge tube of "Vaginol Cream" in the (shared) bathroom. PLEASE!
Monday, August sixteenth, two-thousand and four
** The Monkey has company over and can only blog for a few minutes a day for the next 6 days - therefore today's blog is a "mini-blog" (probably no "Monkey Movie Idea of the day" or "Silly Monkey invention of the Day" until I get more than a few minutes to blog - so if my blog starts to suck this week - or I don't respond to any/all comments - please bear with me)
____________________________________________________________
Today's Blog is dedicated to Hayame H. Tanaka, a 94 year old lady who died in 1998 in "Island nursing home" in Honolulu. Hayame had nine grandchildren and twelve great grandchildren. I'm sure Hayame was a wonderful and beautiful lady.
____________________________________________________________
All this talk of Sea Monkeys - I was thinking - perhaps being a poor boy and not getting any Sea Monkeys - I could have put some little sperm tadpoles in a jar of water and they could be my own pets? Do they do tricks other than swim like hell? Will they wear hats and play basketball?
____________________________________________________________
Head's Up: My Mother-in-Law says "they" are coming to shut down my phone line - because "they" know I have downloaded an MP3 or two in my time. So if the Monkey disappears - you know "they" came for my phone line - hell, at least "they" won't lock me up - I can always get another phone line
____________________________________________________________
I've noticed that I can't just sleep away at an airport gate like others. I tend to get major wood when I'm dozing - in bed I "pitch a tent" as my wife calls it - and I don't know if people would appreciate the monkey sitting in a chair sleeping with a huge woody. I guess women can slumber anywhere they want and not really have this problem.
____________________________________________________________
Those that know the monkey may know that I'm an amateur bodybuilder (and did NOT start bodybuilding because I have a little pee-pee - feel free to ask my wife) - anyway I don't compete - can't see wearing one of those little Speedo deals - but I'm a muscle-monkey. But I have never a very good "six pack" when it comes to abs. People - when you see a person with well defined "six-pack abs" - that's like a medal of honor - you can't get 'em with pills, or gadgets - that's HARD WORK and hard-core proper diet - my hat goes off to ANY person with abs like that.
____________________________________________________________
For those of you who don't know - I live in Montana - where the skies are big and there's wide open spaces, not that many people, and critters to be seen. The other night along the highway cars were pulled over. We stopped to see if everyone was okay - figuring they'd hit a deer (happens way too much here) - but no - the lady tells me someone had hit a Black Bear Cub - and that it was injured and hobbled off into the woods. Her husband, or SOME bonehead, was standing off the side of the road looking into the woods. I don't know about YOU - but I would personally hate to be around when MAMA BEAR finds her busted-up cub and finds a bonehead human standing there in the woods nearby. Yikes! What a fool!
____________________________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written by a cat that walks around on a computer desk. I think it would look something like this:
August 3, 2004: do;ia fa awe09r90asdpoadsdsoasopd
August 4, 2004: djfsaaa33990e090909fjf f fj j aaaaaa
August 5, 2004: 9e09 dlk/.soie09odi02w-0220-20
____________________________________________________________
I think the "bag boys" at the supermarket don't like it when they say "Would you like paper or plastic?" and you answer - "Yes please"
____________________________________________________________
Sometimes when I wake up and I see my wife sleeping next to me I think about how lucky I am to have her, and how beautiful she is. Then she wakes up. (just kidding)
|
____________________________________________________________
Today's Blog is dedicated to Hayame H. Tanaka, a 94 year old lady who died in 1998 in "Island nursing home" in Honolulu. Hayame had nine grandchildren and twelve great grandchildren. I'm sure Hayame was a wonderful and beautiful lady.
____________________________________________________________
All this talk of Sea Monkeys - I was thinking - perhaps being a poor boy and not getting any Sea Monkeys - I could have put some little sperm tadpoles in a jar of water and they could be my own pets? Do they do tricks other than swim like hell? Will they wear hats and play basketball?
____________________________________________________________
Head's Up: My Mother-in-Law says "they" are coming to shut down my phone line - because "they" know I have downloaded an MP3 or two in my time. So if the Monkey disappears - you know "they" came for my phone line - hell, at least "they" won't lock me up - I can always get another phone line
____________________________________________________________
I've noticed that I can't just sleep away at an airport gate like others. I tend to get major wood when I'm dozing - in bed I "pitch a tent" as my wife calls it - and I don't know if people would appreciate the monkey sitting in a chair sleeping with a huge woody. I guess women can slumber anywhere they want and not really have this problem.
____________________________________________________________
Those that know the monkey may know that I'm an amateur bodybuilder (and did NOT start bodybuilding because I have a little pee-pee - feel free to ask my wife) - anyway I don't compete - can't see wearing one of those little Speedo deals - but I'm a muscle-monkey. But I have never a very good "six pack" when it comes to abs. People - when you see a person with well defined "six-pack abs" - that's like a medal of honor - you can't get 'em with pills, or gadgets - that's HARD WORK and hard-core proper diet - my hat goes off to ANY person with abs like that.
____________________________________________________________
For those of you who don't know - I live in Montana - where the skies are big and there's wide open spaces, not that many people, and critters to be seen. The other night along the highway cars were pulled over. We stopped to see if everyone was okay - figuring they'd hit a deer (happens way too much here) - but no - the lady tells me someone had hit a Black Bear Cub - and that it was injured and hobbled off into the woods. Her husband, or SOME bonehead, was standing off the side of the road looking into the woods. I don't know about YOU - but I would personally hate to be around when MAMA BEAR finds her busted-up cub and finds a bonehead human standing there in the woods nearby. Yikes! What a fool!
____________________________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written by a cat that walks around on a computer desk. I think it would look something like this:
August 3, 2004: do;ia fa awe09r90asdpoadsdsoasopd
August 4, 2004: djfsaaa33990e090909fjf f fj j aaaaaa
August 5, 2004: 9e09 dlk/.soie09odi02w-0220-20
____________________________________________________________
I think the "bag boys" at the supermarket don't like it when they say "Would you like paper or plastic?" and you answer - "Yes please"
____________________________________________________________
Sometimes when I wake up and I see my wife sleeping next to me I think about how lucky I am to have her, and how beautiful she is. Then she wakes up. (just kidding)
Sunday, August 15th, two thousand and four
Hey Monkey Cagers!
Guess what - the Monkey has to shut down Monkey ops for about a week - you see I have some family staying with me - and what room does one of them get put up in - the "computer room" - Monkey Central.
Therefore I'm gonna take a week off while someone's in here and get back into it in one week.
I hate to leave my monkey-cage readers hanging like this - but I'm sure you understand.
Knowing me - I'll sneak in here when I can and put out a blog or two - but if you don't hear from me - you know why.
I truly will miss blogging for the next week - and will miss each and every one of you - but I'll be back when company departs.
While I'm at it - I truly do love you - my readers - it's amazing to me how many people I have come to love here, and how many people I have coming by the cage and having fun - when I first learned of blogging, I thought - "Geeky!" - but holy cow - it's been such a wonderful experience - I'm hooked.
So y'all take care - be good to yourselves and to others, and I'll be back at it in about a week.
Monkey
|
Guess what - the Monkey has to shut down Monkey ops for about a week - you see I have some family staying with me - and what room does one of them get put up in - the "computer room" - Monkey Central.
Therefore I'm gonna take a week off while someone's in here and get back into it in one week.
I hate to leave my monkey-cage readers hanging like this - but I'm sure you understand.
Knowing me - I'll sneak in here when I can and put out a blog or two - but if you don't hear from me - you know why.
I truly will miss blogging for the next week - and will miss each and every one of you - but I'll be back when company departs.
While I'm at it - I truly do love you - my readers - it's amazing to me how many people I have come to love here, and how many people I have coming by the cage and having fun - when I first learned of blogging, I thought - "Geeky!" - but holy cow - it's been such a wonderful experience - I'm hooked.
So y'all take care - be good to yourselves and to others, and I'll be back at it in about a week.
Monkey
Friday the 13th, two thousand and four
Today's blog is dedicated to Reba K. Davenport, a 92 year old lady in Sharon, PA. who died in a nursing home. She was nobody famous, and I have no idea who Reba was, but I'm sure she was a special, beautiful lady to those that loved her. I picked her name randomly from a random online obituary. The whole world knows when someone famous dies - but so many each day leave us that we never even hear about and they're just as special.
___________________________________________
I used to dream of getting me some Sea Monkeys when I was a kid - I wanted them badly - I had been told by friends that they were some sort of brine shrimp, and that you can just barely make them out - but that picture on the ad was magical wasn't it? There were little pink almost-people-like creatures in a magical aquatic land! I had decided though that I wasn't going to let MY Sea Monkeys have quite so much fun as the ones in the ad. There would be no GAMES - the picture shows them playing basketball for crying out loud, and there would be no Sea Monkeys running around wearing crowns as if they were royalty either. If I saw any of them wearing a crown I'd confiscate it. And I was going to make ONE of them - my sex slave. However I never got Sea Monkeys - and maybe that's a good thing.
___________________________________________
People I want to pimp-slap: That guy that drives down my street late at night with his super-loud thumping base - thump-thump...thump-thump...thumpity-thump-thump
___________________________________________
Monkey invention of the day: This one's been TOO long coming! "Monkey Grass" - this special grass is garranteed to be luxiously green and lush, needs VERY little water to stay that way - and will NEVER grow over 2 inches tall. Throw away your lawn sprinklers, lawn mowers, fertilizer, etc. Plant your Monkey grass in your yard, and walk away - forever. The Monkey has saved the day with this invention!
___________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see - The world's biggest sexual pervert's blog (Pt II):
August 7, 2004: Sat in front of my computer covered in grape jelly and masturbated to photographs of dead Swordfish, Marlin, and Yellow-Fin Tuna.
August 8, 2004: Paid a hooker big bucks to come to my house dressed as a Maytag Repair person and stick my head in my washing machine while whipping me with an old SCSI cable I had laying around. Afterwards I paid her to jab a pencil repeatedly into my balls while we watched "TORA TORA TORA" together.
August 9, 2004: Had the phone sex operator lady pretend she was a man pretending he was a girl and scold me for not cleaning my room.
August 10, 2004: Paid a hooker to get into my car and give me a handjob while she breaks out the windows of my car with a crowbar. (expensive thrill I know)
August 11, 2004: Fantasized that I was naked, trapped in a car wash outside of my car, and the big blue and white brushes were whipping me in the backside and I was screaming - "Avon calling! Avon calling"!
___________________________________________
I'm pleased to report that my wife has NOT been listening to her Gay Aikens CD anymore! Is it because I destroyed it? Nope - I didn't even get around to it yet - she just has NOT been listening to it - and the Monkey couldn't be happier! Yeahhhh! Maybe she's finally grown up!?
___________________________________________
My favorite confession from today's www.grouphug.us: "i wank with my left hand, and my left bicep is half an inch bigger than my right bicep."
___________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "HARD TIMES" (R) - the touching, true story of a nursing home in Wamego, Kansas which was pretty mundane, until an 87 year old retired trucker (James Garner) moves in and soon establishes himself as a dealer of Viagra to his fellow nursing home residents. Watch as the world of elderly care is turned upside down as the residents learn there is more to nursing home life than checkers and shufffleboard. (Graphic nudity, adult situations, drug references, extreme violence 1hr 22 min)
___________________________________________
It'd be a really bad day if you were a prisoner and you were going to shank someone out in the exercise yard - you had your shank carefully built, you had access to the guy - and you're out in the exercise yard - and you run up to him screaming "Die you son of a bitch!!!" - and as you're running towards him you realize your hand is empty - you've forgotten your shank.
___________________________________________
Old Monkey hobbies. I used to have a great hobby when I lived in a bigger city - going through the toll booths, (before I got a toll-tag) - I noticed one day while dropping my money into the basket that below the basket is a little door - and the sign above the door says "Rejects". Hmm - curious with no one behind me - I stuck my lil' monkey hand in that bin and pulled out - QUARTERS! Why did they get rejected? Who knows - they looked okay to me. I was hooked on what I called "Reject Bin Diving" from then on out. I checked the bin on the way to work, and on the way home. Many of the things in this reject bin were truly rejected coins - but even they were fun - foreign coins of all sorts, Chuck E. Cheese game tokens, those round welding pieces of metal, buttons, all SORTS of fun things. But mostly I got - QUARTERS! A friend asked me - "Aren't you stealing!?" And I had to reply - "From WHO? - if someone throws in a quarter and it fall through to the reject bin - do they not retrieve it?" Does it belong to the toll booth people? No - Their machines REJECTED it so it doesn't belong to them! I never paid for a toll booth again - I had a BUCKET of quarters in my car from my reject bin diving! But all good things must come to an end - and one day I sadly found ALL of the reject bin's doors had been sealed shut permanently.
|
___________________________________________
I used to dream of getting me some Sea Monkeys when I was a kid - I wanted them badly - I had been told by friends that they were some sort of brine shrimp, and that you can just barely make them out - but that picture on the ad was magical wasn't it? There were little pink almost-people-like creatures in a magical aquatic land! I had decided though that I wasn't going to let MY Sea Monkeys have quite so much fun as the ones in the ad. There would be no GAMES - the picture shows them playing basketball for crying out loud, and there would be no Sea Monkeys running around wearing crowns as if they were royalty either. If I saw any of them wearing a crown I'd confiscate it. And I was going to make ONE of them - my sex slave. However I never got Sea Monkeys - and maybe that's a good thing.
___________________________________________
People I want to pimp-slap: That guy that drives down my street late at night with his super-loud thumping base - thump-thump...thump-thump...thumpity-thump-thump
___________________________________________
Monkey invention of the day: This one's been TOO long coming! "Monkey Grass" - this special grass is garranteed to be luxiously green and lush, needs VERY little water to stay that way - and will NEVER grow over 2 inches tall. Throw away your lawn sprinklers, lawn mowers, fertilizer, etc. Plant your Monkey grass in your yard, and walk away - forever. The Monkey has saved the day with this invention!
___________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see - The world's biggest sexual pervert's blog (Pt II):
August 7, 2004: Sat in front of my computer covered in grape jelly and masturbated to photographs of dead Swordfish, Marlin, and Yellow-Fin Tuna.
August 8, 2004: Paid a hooker big bucks to come to my house dressed as a Maytag Repair person and stick my head in my washing machine while whipping me with an old SCSI cable I had laying around. Afterwards I paid her to jab a pencil repeatedly into my balls while we watched "TORA TORA TORA" together.
August 9, 2004: Had the phone sex operator lady pretend she was a man pretending he was a girl and scold me for not cleaning my room.
August 10, 2004: Paid a hooker to get into my car and give me a handjob while she breaks out the windows of my car with a crowbar. (expensive thrill I know)
August 11, 2004: Fantasized that I was naked, trapped in a car wash outside of my car, and the big blue and white brushes were whipping me in the backside and I was screaming - "Avon calling! Avon calling"!
___________________________________________
I'm pleased to report that my wife has NOT been listening to her Gay Aikens CD anymore! Is it because I destroyed it? Nope - I didn't even get around to it yet - she just has NOT been listening to it - and the Monkey couldn't be happier! Yeahhhh! Maybe she's finally grown up!?
___________________________________________
My favorite confession from today's www.grouphug.us: "i wank with my left hand, and my left bicep is half an inch bigger than my right bicep."
___________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "HARD TIMES" (R) - the touching, true story of a nursing home in Wamego, Kansas which was pretty mundane, until an 87 year old retired trucker (James Garner) moves in and soon establishes himself as a dealer of Viagra to his fellow nursing home residents. Watch as the world of elderly care is turned upside down as the residents learn there is more to nursing home life than checkers and shufffleboard. (Graphic nudity, adult situations, drug references, extreme violence 1hr 22 min)
___________________________________________
It'd be a really bad day if you were a prisoner and you were going to shank someone out in the exercise yard - you had your shank carefully built, you had access to the guy - and you're out in the exercise yard - and you run up to him screaming "Die you son of a bitch!!!" - and as you're running towards him you realize your hand is empty - you've forgotten your shank.
___________________________________________
Old Monkey hobbies. I used to have a great hobby when I lived in a bigger city - going through the toll booths, (before I got a toll-tag) - I noticed one day while dropping my money into the basket that below the basket is a little door - and the sign above the door says "Rejects". Hmm - curious with no one behind me - I stuck my lil' monkey hand in that bin and pulled out - QUARTERS! Why did they get rejected? Who knows - they looked okay to me. I was hooked on what I called "Reject Bin Diving" from then on out. I checked the bin on the way to work, and on the way home. Many of the things in this reject bin were truly rejected coins - but even they were fun - foreign coins of all sorts, Chuck E. Cheese game tokens, those round welding pieces of metal, buttons, all SORTS of fun things. But mostly I got - QUARTERS! A friend asked me - "Aren't you stealing!?" And I had to reply - "From WHO? - if someone throws in a quarter and it fall through to the reject bin - do they not retrieve it?" Does it belong to the toll booth people? No - Their machines REJECTED it so it doesn't belong to them! I never paid for a toll booth again - I had a BUCKET of quarters in my car from my reject bin diving! But all good things must come to an end - and one day I sadly found ALL of the reject bin's doors had been sealed shut permanently.
Wednesday, August eleventh, 2 thousand and 4
Today's blog is dedicated to George Ballas, who invented the Weed Eater lawn trimmer in 1972. We love you George.
_____________________________________________________
My wife and her mother - I love 'em - but they have a habit that really gets to the Monkey. They both have these terribly long key chains! I mean HUGE key chains - with attaching sunglass holders, with an attached hand lotion bottle, with every sort of little discount cards - Blockbuster, Albertsons, etc. And more than one actual key ring attached too - so much JUNK in fact that when you put the keys in the ignition the crazy thing hangs way down - almost touches the floor! Maybe this is a man thing - but can't we just have a little key ring with a few house keys and a few car keys on it?
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The monkey is grossed out by those tubs full of water(?) at gas stations. The kind with the windshield washer brushy thing soaking it. That water is putrid - that water is filled with dead bees, crickets, miscellaneous road kill blood, thousands of different insect parts floating on top, etc. I've seen those shows on TV where they make the contestants eat nasty things - I say let them down what they eat with a tall glass of gas station windshield washer cleaner tub water!
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Favorite confession from today's www.grouphug.us (this one had the Monkey ROFLMAO): "I've been working at my job for 5 months and i have no idea what my boss' name is. whenever i say hello to him i usually say "hey, you!" or just try and cough when i pronounce his name." (I don't think this person has to worrry about the Employee Of the Month Parking Spot - Monkey)
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Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
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The Monkey isn't that old - pushing 40 - but I'm old enough to remember that back in the old days - you could go into a McDonalds or any other fast food joint and the people behind the counter actually SMILED at you, and they were POLITE and FAST and COURTEOUS. I'll miss those days - something to tell the grand kids I guess - they'll never believe it.
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If I were a Mountain Goat and I saw tourists down below me with their binoculars and telescopes looking at me - I'd HAVE to pretend I was scared to death of heights, and I'd trip over little rocks and tumble around - it'd be a blast being a Mountain Goat - HOURS of fun!
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I'd imagine one of the best parts about being a lesbian is that you get to go down on other women - a LOT! But then I guess if you're a guy you get to do that too - so never mind. It's all good.
_____________________________________________________
Crazy Monkey invention of the Day: The Monkey Brain Defragmenter (MBD) - simply plug yourself up and defrag your brain overnight! Think your brain doesn't need defragging? Think again buddy! - Monkey Laboratories has found in extensive research that most human brains are over 70% fragmented. You've got thoughts about your work over in the part of your brain where home life is stored. You've got weird odd thoughts in your sex section of your brain that have nothing to do with sex - your brain is fragmented man! Marshmallow thoughts shouldn't be filed under sex thoughts - they belong in the food thoughts area!
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written by moths out on a back porch:
Aug 03, 2004: Must get out of here - can't find way - hit head on screen thing - once - ouch - twice, ouch, ouch ouch
Aug 04, 2004: Must....avoid...light bulb - it's hell up there - hot hot hot ouch ouch ouch why can't I stop smashing my head into this bright hard thing? Ouch - hot - that's gotta be at least 100 watts!
Aug 05, 2004: Screen thing is strange - it looks like it's the outside world but it's like some kind of weird mesh barrier type thing. Ouch. Ouch. Must keep trying.
Aug 06, 2004: Okay I admit it was fun being in this room for the first five minutes - but now it's getting old - enough is enough - I want out.
_____________________________________________________
I've got my own confession to make: the monkey collects those AOL free hours CD's. I SAVE them - I take one every time I see them - they give them away at checkout counters in most grocery stores - sometimes I grab two. I keep them here beside my computer in a drawer. What will I do with them you ask? Great question - I have no idea - I just like to hoard them - I've never used AOL nor do I intend to. Somewhere out there, there's someone who can't get any free hours on AOL because all the disks are gone. I'm a selfish bastard.
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_____________________________________________________
My wife and her mother - I love 'em - but they have a habit that really gets to the Monkey. They both have these terribly long key chains! I mean HUGE key chains - with attaching sunglass holders, with an attached hand lotion bottle, with every sort of little discount cards - Blockbuster, Albertsons, etc. And more than one actual key ring attached too - so much JUNK in fact that when you put the keys in the ignition the crazy thing hangs way down - almost touches the floor! Maybe this is a man thing - but can't we just have a little key ring with a few house keys and a few car keys on it?
_____________________________________________________
The monkey is grossed out by those tubs full of water(?) at gas stations. The kind with the windshield washer brushy thing soaking it. That water is putrid - that water is filled with dead bees, crickets, miscellaneous road kill blood, thousands of different insect parts floating on top, etc. I've seen those shows on TV where they make the contestants eat nasty things - I say let them down what they eat with a tall glass of gas station windshield washer cleaner tub water!
_____________________________________________________
Favorite confession from today's www.grouphug.us (this one had the Monkey ROFLMAO): "I've been working at my job for 5 months and i have no idea what my boss' name is. whenever i say hello to him i usually say "hey, you!" or just try and cough when i pronounce his name." (I don't think this person has to worrry about the Employee Of the Month Parking Spot - Monkey)
_____________________________________________________
Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
_____________________________________________________
The Monkey isn't that old - pushing 40 - but I'm old enough to remember that back in the old days - you could go into a McDonalds or any other fast food joint and the people behind the counter actually SMILED at you, and they were POLITE and FAST and COURTEOUS. I'll miss those days - something to tell the grand kids I guess - they'll never believe it.
_____________________________________________________
If I were a Mountain Goat and I saw tourists down below me with their binoculars and telescopes looking at me - I'd HAVE to pretend I was scared to death of heights, and I'd trip over little rocks and tumble around - it'd be a blast being a Mountain Goat - HOURS of fun!
_____________________________________________________
I'd imagine one of the best parts about being a lesbian is that you get to go down on other women - a LOT! But then I guess if you're a guy you get to do that too - so never mind. It's all good.
_____________________________________________________
Crazy Monkey invention of the Day: The Monkey Brain Defragmenter (MBD) - simply plug yourself up and defrag your brain overnight! Think your brain doesn't need defragging? Think again buddy! - Monkey Laboratories has found in extensive research that most human brains are over 70% fragmented. You've got thoughts about your work over in the part of your brain where home life is stored. You've got weird odd thoughts in your sex section of your brain that have nothing to do with sex - your brain is fragmented man! Marshmallow thoughts shouldn't be filed under sex thoughts - they belong in the food thoughts area!
_____________________________________________________
Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written by moths out on a back porch:
Aug 03, 2004: Must get out of here - can't find way - hit head on screen thing - once - ouch - twice, ouch, ouch ouch
Aug 04, 2004: Must....avoid...light bulb - it's hell up there - hot hot hot ouch ouch ouch why can't I stop smashing my head into this bright hard thing? Ouch - hot - that's gotta be at least 100 watts!
Aug 05, 2004: Screen thing is strange - it looks like it's the outside world but it's like some kind of weird mesh barrier type thing. Ouch. Ouch. Must keep trying.
Aug 06, 2004: Okay I admit it was fun being in this room for the first five minutes - but now it's getting old - enough is enough - I want out.
_____________________________________________________
I've got my own confession to make: the monkey collects those AOL free hours CD's. I SAVE them - I take one every time I see them - they give them away at checkout counters in most grocery stores - sometimes I grab two. I keep them here beside my computer in a drawer. What will I do with them you ask? Great question - I have no idea - I just like to hoard them - I've never used AOL nor do I intend to. Somewhere out there, there's someone who can't get any free hours on AOL because all the disks are gone. I'm a selfish bastard.
Monday's Blog - August Ninth, two-thousand and four
Today's blog is dedicated to Wolfman Jack - although I wasn't even born when the Wolfman was around - I know I would've liked him. Clap for the Wolfman.
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If you climb out of a 40 story window and threaten to jump - they'll do their best to reel you in - and you'll be charged - suicide is illegal. But it's perfectly legal to instead do like most folks - to do a SLOW suicide so nobody catches you and arrests you - through drinking, drugs, stress, and poor diet - THAT is legal - have at it!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day THE JOURNEY (G) - A wonderful, animated, educational children's movie - which teaches about sexual reproduction in a creative manner that children can understand and will love. Follow the adventures of "Charlie" the sperm, as he is released and starts his journey. Watch as he battles all sorts of unique and fun obstacles and villains on his journey through the esophagus. Children will delight and learn at the same time as Charlie fights to get past the evil Tonsil Twins, your children will root for Charlie as he fights his way through and past the evil Strep Throat cells twins that try and attack Charlie. Filled with wonderfully done graphics and exiting music, this is a movie for all children. (1hr, 20 min)
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My favorite confession today from www.grouphug.us: " Sometimes i lay in bed at night and i swear to christ there is a weasel suspended from my ceiling, whatever it is that may appear to be a weasel, well it scares the shit out of me .. all the time.."
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Famous Blog entries in history (if they'd blogged):
Custer: June 25th, 1876 - Only have a minute to blog - I'm seeing WAY too many Indians out here at Bighorn for my comfort - more later...
Lincoln: April 14th, 1865 - Going to chill at the theater later today - gonna see Our American Cousin - I've heard it sucks - we'll see.
Kennedy: Nov 22, 1963: "Doing a motorcade thingy in Dallas today - not looking forward to it - what a bunch of redneck white-trash crackers down there"
Edison: Aug 12, 1877: "My phonograph do-ma-hickey thing is complete today - I sure as hell hope people don't abuse this contraption by playing rap on it"
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Monkey Prediction of the Day: (they call me Nostradamus) In the year 2007, a 712 lb man in Kentucky will revolutionize the auto industry by perfecting a windshield that needs no windshield wipers - rain, snow, ice, even bugs, literally dissolve the moment it hits this windshield - wipers will become obsolete within months. This will be done through a combination of ultra-high frequencies (UHF), a special gel, four toothpicks, and an Otter's tooth.
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I wonder if one of those "tracker" people has ever lost their wallet out in the woods while they're tracking someone and they never do recover it?
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When I was a kid church was an exciting time for me. In church I had about an hour or so of my own time for sexual fantasies. Not only did I get to see teenaged girls, but there were older mature women to get me excited, there were lots of two of my favorite things, there were high heels on women, and there were stockings on women - and at communion women would kneel down up front - giving me nice butt shots and BJ fantasies - church wasn't so bad. I'd wonder which women had big bushes, which women kept themselves trimmed up nicely, which women shaved completely, what each woman's panties were like, which women were moaners, screamers, etc. There was so much to think about during those long sermons. So many wearing wonderful perfumes also. Every Sunday I'd also pick one woman or girl I'd most like to do and she'd win some kind of award in my head. I loved church. I had a brother that would sneak off and get high before church - I always thought that was sad - there were other ways of making church bearable besides drugs.
|
_____________________________________________________
If you climb out of a 40 story window and threaten to jump - they'll do their best to reel you in - and you'll be charged - suicide is illegal. But it's perfectly legal to instead do like most folks - to do a SLOW suicide so nobody catches you and arrests you - through drinking, drugs, stress, and poor diet - THAT is legal - have at it!
_____________________________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day THE JOURNEY (G) - A wonderful, animated, educational children's movie - which teaches about sexual reproduction in a creative manner that children can understand and will love. Follow the adventures of "Charlie" the sperm, as he is released and starts his journey. Watch as he battles all sorts of unique and fun obstacles and villains on his journey through the esophagus. Children will delight and learn at the same time as Charlie fights to get past the evil Tonsil Twins, your children will root for Charlie as he fights his way through and past the evil Strep Throat cells twins that try and attack Charlie. Filled with wonderfully done graphics and exiting music, this is a movie for all children. (1hr, 20 min)
_____________________________________________________
My favorite confession today from www.grouphug.us: " Sometimes i lay in bed at night and i swear to christ there is a weasel suspended from my ceiling, whatever it is that may appear to be a weasel, well it scares the shit out of me .. all the time.."
_____________________________________________________
Famous Blog entries in history (if they'd blogged):
Custer: June 25th, 1876 - Only have a minute to blog - I'm seeing WAY too many Indians out here at Bighorn for my comfort - more later...
Lincoln: April 14th, 1865 - Going to chill at the theater later today - gonna see Our American Cousin - I've heard it sucks - we'll see.
Kennedy: Nov 22, 1963: "Doing a motorcade thingy in Dallas today - not looking forward to it - what a bunch of redneck white-trash crackers down there"
Edison: Aug 12, 1877: "My phonograph do-ma-hickey thing is complete today - I sure as hell hope people don't abuse this contraption by playing rap on it"
_____________________________________________________
Monkey Prediction of the Day: (they call me Nostradamus) In the year 2007, a 712 lb man in Kentucky will revolutionize the auto industry by perfecting a windshield that needs no windshield wipers - rain, snow, ice, even bugs, literally dissolve the moment it hits this windshield - wipers will become obsolete within months. This will be done through a combination of ultra-high frequencies (UHF), a special gel, four toothpicks, and an Otter's tooth.
_____________________________________________________
I wonder if one of those "tracker" people has ever lost their wallet out in the woods while they're tracking someone and they never do recover it?
_____________________________________________________
When I was a kid church was an exciting time for me. In church I had about an hour or so of my own time for sexual fantasies. Not only did I get to see teenaged girls, but there were older mature women to get me excited, there were lots of two of my favorite things, there were high heels on women, and there were stockings on women - and at communion women would kneel down up front - giving me nice butt shots and BJ fantasies - church wasn't so bad. I'd wonder which women had big bushes, which women kept themselves trimmed up nicely, which women shaved completely, what each woman's panties were like, which women were moaners, screamers, etc. There was so much to think about during those long sermons. So many wearing wonderful perfumes also. Every Sunday I'd also pick one woman or girl I'd most like to do and she'd win some kind of award in my head. I loved church. I had a brother that would sneak off and get high before church - I always thought that was sad - there were other ways of making church bearable besides drugs.
Blog for Sunday, August Eighth, two-thousand and four
Today's Blog is dedicated to former U.S. President Martin Van Buren - not for any particular reason other than I doubt he's ever had a blog dedicated to him.
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Kids nowadays are spoiled - why back in MY day if we wanted ice water - by golly we had to high-tail it over to the freezer, pull out a tray of ice, twist it, and get our ice - then we had to go over to the sink, and fill the ice cube tray back up again - these spoiled kids nowadays - why they walk over the fridge and put their glass up to it - crushed or cubed ice they can get - just like that!
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You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens.
__________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey's Shower (MS) - this shower from Monkey Labs Inc. has a shampoo dispenser - built into the wall itself - with a 5 GALLON tank. None of this having shampoo bottles laying around in the shower - no more running out of shampoo every few weeks - this five gallon, hidden tank will last you a YEAR or longer! Get your orders in NOW
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The Monkey Remembers: when you turned off a television set - the whole picture would zap towards the center of the screen, into this little ball of light that would then fade away. It was cool. Back then the "Vertical Hold" knob was one of the most used knobs on a TV - used to stop the whole picture from rolling around.
__________________________________
I have a brother that likes to smell things - like a dog - he sniffs almost anything he gets his hands on - I have never understood this - is he part dog? If he IS part dog - what does that make me - his brother? Am I part dog? Could I be? Could we both be? I have found I really enjoy "doggy style" sex - is this the dog in me coming out?
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My Mother-in-Law will fix herself a sandwich, and leave the mayonnaise jar out on the counter, not for a little while, but for a few DAYS at a time. How does she not get sick? If I were to try that (and I wouldn't) - I'd be SO sick and I'd flat out DIE if I left the mayo out of the fridge for longer than 3 minutes.
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My favorite confession from grouphug.us today, I think this poor person has it a bit backwards - I'm not sure if it's a man or woman - it didn't say: "sometimes when i'm having sex i fantasize about masturbating."
___________________________________
Update on the lady at my work who told me she had a hernia in her vagina. This has traumatized the monkey - I can hardly look at her now - she's less-than-attractive to start with, now when I look at her I see a giant vagina with a hernia. She had laser surgery on it the other day and has been telling anyone who will listen about it. I won't listen - when I see her nearby I move away with the swiftness of a startled gazelle. I've have heard her surgery didn't go well on her sick vagina, and that "things are bad" for her.
___________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: DOWN FALL (R) - the unique thriller from Monkey Productions - filmed in slow motion - this is a "reality movie" - of a man falling down 7 flights of stairs. You'll laugh, you'll cry, this movie will touch your heart in ways you've not experienced in a movie in a long time. 2hrs 22 min
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My dog used to find his way into our bathroom when we weren't home, and his hobby was to find the trash can when it was that time of the month and proceed to destroy and mutilate old pads and tampons. We'd come home from somewhere and thought we were walking into a murder scene. Helter Skelter for sure. And the dog looks at us as if he's done a GOOD thing.
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When the monkey lived in Australia - I had a drunken Aborigine lady approach me at a bus stop - she got right in my face and said slurred: "Elvis is my father!" - I said - "Okay." - but she didn't stop there - she again blurted in my face - "I am the daughter of Elvis Presley! Look!" - she then would pull down the bottom of her eye and show me - I didn't see anything in her bloodshot drunken eyes but she must have thought there was something there to prove she was the daughter of Elvis. What's the moral of this story? I'm not sure - I guess it's that perhaps Elvis is everyone's father in some way. Check your eyes.
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Kids nowadays are spoiled - why back in MY day if we wanted ice water - by golly we had to high-tail it over to the freezer, pull out a tray of ice, twist it, and get our ice - then we had to go over to the sink, and fill the ice cube tray back up again - these spoiled kids nowadays - why they walk over the fridge and put their glass up to it - crushed or cubed ice they can get - just like that!
__________________________________
You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens.
__________________________________
Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey's Shower (MS) - this shower from Monkey Labs Inc. has a shampoo dispenser - built into the wall itself - with a 5 GALLON tank. None of this having shampoo bottles laying around in the shower - no more running out of shampoo every few weeks - this five gallon, hidden tank will last you a YEAR or longer! Get your orders in NOW
__________________________________
The Monkey Remembers: when you turned off a television set - the whole picture would zap towards the center of the screen, into this little ball of light that would then fade away. It was cool. Back then the "Vertical Hold" knob was one of the most used knobs on a TV - used to stop the whole picture from rolling around.
__________________________________
I have a brother that likes to smell things - like a dog - he sniffs almost anything he gets his hands on - I have never understood this - is he part dog? If he IS part dog - what does that make me - his brother? Am I part dog? Could I be? Could we both be? I have found I really enjoy "doggy style" sex - is this the dog in me coming out?
___________________________________
My Mother-in-Law will fix herself a sandwich, and leave the mayonnaise jar out on the counter, not for a little while, but for a few DAYS at a time. How does she not get sick? If I were to try that (and I wouldn't) - I'd be SO sick and I'd flat out DIE if I left the mayo out of the fridge for longer than 3 minutes.
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My favorite confession from grouphug.us today, I think this poor person has it a bit backwards - I'm not sure if it's a man or woman - it didn't say: "sometimes when i'm having sex i fantasize about masturbating."
___________________________________
Update on the lady at my work who told me she had a hernia in her vagina. This has traumatized the monkey - I can hardly look at her now - she's less-than-attractive to start with, now when I look at her I see a giant vagina with a hernia. She had laser surgery on it the other day and has been telling anyone who will listen about it. I won't listen - when I see her nearby I move away with the swiftness of a startled gazelle. I've have heard her surgery didn't go well on her sick vagina, and that "things are bad" for her.
___________________________________
Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: DOWN FALL (R) - the unique thriller from Monkey Productions - filmed in slow motion - this is a "reality movie" - of a man falling down 7 flights of stairs. You'll laugh, you'll cry, this movie will touch your heart in ways you've not experienced in a movie in a long time. 2hrs 22 min
___________________________________
My dog used to find his way into our bathroom when we weren't home, and his hobby was to find the trash can when it was that time of the month and proceed to destroy and mutilate old pads and tampons. We'd come home from somewhere and thought we were walking into a murder scene. Helter Skelter for sure. And the dog looks at us as if he's done a GOOD thing.
___________________________________
When the monkey lived in Australia - I had a drunken Aborigine lady approach me at a bus stop - she got right in my face and said slurred: "Elvis is my father!" - I said - "Okay." - but she didn't stop there - she again blurted in my face - "I am the daughter of Elvis Presley! Look!" - she then would pull down the bottom of her eye and show me - I didn't see anything in her bloodshot drunken eyes but she must have thought there was something there to prove she was the daughter of Elvis. What's the moral of this story? I'm not sure - I guess it's that perhaps Elvis is everyone's father in some way. Check your eyes.
Blog for August Forth, two-thousand and four
Today's Blog is dedicated to Cthulhu. (Apologies for those waiting on the Monkey- there's been some things going on around the house these days - with the phone line and other things - look for the Monkey Cage blog to be more regularly updated now that things are right)
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Every play that game where a person (usually on a long trip in a car) thinks of an animal - and the rest of the passengers take turns asking one "yes" or "no" question until someone can guess the animal? With our son - this made for some hilarious times - as when he was younger and he thought we were close to getting his animal, he'd CHANGE IT! By the time his round was over he'd have a Blue grass-eating Anteater that lives in Antarctica, underwater, and has gills.
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Have you guys ever wondered about how in the world to have sex with a Mermaid? I mean it's not every day that you have that opportunity - but if you DID - what would you do? It'd be pretty damned aggravating wouldn't it!? You could get oral from her, or a hand job is fine - but how long before you'd want more? And logistically, how would you do it? Perhaps somehow she'd lay eggs and you'd have to swim over them and spooge on them? How fun would THAT be? Would the kids have legs? I need answers people!
___________________________________________________
People who need to be pimp slapped: Those folks that are in front of us in the drive-thru ATM's - you see them get their money, get their card, and then you see them pull out their wallet or purse and start putting their money away - slowly - as if NOBODY is behind them. Come on boneheads - grab your money, pull forward enough to where the next clown can do their business, and THEN put your money away!
___________________________________________________
Okay fess up - how many of you as kids would put Elmer's Glue all over your hands, let it dry, and then peel if off in class for fun? It's not QUITE as fun as peeling off big dead strips of skin when you're sunburned - but it's the next best thing. I loved it when classes had Elmer's Glue and not those cheap, stupid BOTTLES of cheap glue with the brush built into the lid.
___________________________________________________
More and more women are wearing pigtails these days! I love it! Who among us men can claim they don't ever look at pigtails as "handles" Step forward and identify yourself please, one at a time.
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Monkey future predictions: In the year 2014, a woman from Idaho will successfully swim the Atlantic Ocean. In the year 2019, a controversial doctor in Little Tree, Arkansas will invent an operation which will allow men and women to "switch" sexual organs - if a guy wants to be a gal one night - presto chango - he can. A strange reclusive man in Oregon will come forward in April of 2007 claiming to be the elusive "Big Foot". I have already predicted that we will discover in the future that we are NOT to keep fish as pets - it will be discovered that they are NOT to be trusted - I must stress this again - do NOT trust your fish!
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As I grow older - I've learned something - MANY MANY women have been sexually abused or assaulted in their lives. More than I'd ever have even guessed - family members, women I've worked with - women friends - former girlfriends - WAY TOO many women have been assualted for abused. It gets me angry!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "SPONGE LOVE" (R) - the touching true story of a deranged man who falls in lust with Spongebog Squarepants and moves to Hollywood to stalk the yellow kid's TV star. (Contains extreme nudity, graphic violence, adult situations and language 2hrs, 10 min)
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Many readers will know that for some VERY strange reason a lady at work came to me to tell me she had a hernia in her Vagina - the monkey did NOT need to know this and to this day it bothers me that she chose to tell me this. Update - I heard yesterday she went and had LASER surgery on said vagina. LUCKILY she has NOT stopped around to tell me the details and I'm hoping she doesn't.
|
___________________________________________________
Every play that game where a person (usually on a long trip in a car) thinks of an animal - and the rest of the passengers take turns asking one "yes" or "no" question until someone can guess the animal? With our son - this made for some hilarious times - as when he was younger and he thought we were close to getting his animal, he'd CHANGE IT! By the time his round was over he'd have a Blue grass-eating Anteater that lives in Antarctica, underwater, and has gills.
___________________________________________________
Have you guys ever wondered about how in the world to have sex with a Mermaid? I mean it's not every day that you have that opportunity - but if you DID - what would you do? It'd be pretty damned aggravating wouldn't it!? You could get oral from her, or a hand job is fine - but how long before you'd want more? And logistically, how would you do it? Perhaps somehow she'd lay eggs and you'd have to swim over them and spooge on them? How fun would THAT be? Would the kids have legs? I need answers people!
___________________________________________________
People who need to be pimp slapped: Those folks that are in front of us in the drive-thru ATM's - you see them get their money, get their card, and then you see them pull out their wallet or purse and start putting their money away - slowly - as if NOBODY is behind them. Come on boneheads - grab your money, pull forward enough to where the next clown can do their business, and THEN put your money away!
___________________________________________________
Okay fess up - how many of you as kids would put Elmer's Glue all over your hands, let it dry, and then peel if off in class for fun? It's not QUITE as fun as peeling off big dead strips of skin when you're sunburned - but it's the next best thing. I loved it when classes had Elmer's Glue and not those cheap, stupid BOTTLES of cheap glue with the brush built into the lid.
___________________________________________________
More and more women are wearing pigtails these days! I love it! Who among us men can claim they don't ever look at pigtails as "handles" Step forward and identify yourself please, one at a time.
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Monkey future predictions: In the year 2014, a woman from Idaho will successfully swim the Atlantic Ocean. In the year 2019, a controversial doctor in Little Tree, Arkansas will invent an operation which will allow men and women to "switch" sexual organs - if a guy wants to be a gal one night - presto chango - he can. A strange reclusive man in Oregon will come forward in April of 2007 claiming to be the elusive "Big Foot". I have already predicted that we will discover in the future that we are NOT to keep fish as pets - it will be discovered that they are NOT to be trusted - I must stress this again - do NOT trust your fish!
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As I grow older - I've learned something - MANY MANY women have been sexually abused or assaulted in their lives. More than I'd ever have even guessed - family members, women I've worked with - women friends - former girlfriends - WAY TOO many women have been assualted for abused. It gets me angry!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "SPONGE LOVE" (R) - the touching true story of a deranged man who falls in lust with Spongebog Squarepants and moves to Hollywood to stalk the yellow kid's TV star. (Contains extreme nudity, graphic violence, adult situations and language 2hrs, 10 min)
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Many readers will know that for some VERY strange reason a lady at work came to me to tell me she had a hernia in her Vagina - the monkey did NOT need to know this and to this day it bothers me that she chose to tell me this. Update - I heard yesterday she went and had LASER surgery on said vagina. LUCKILY she has NOT stopped around to tell me the details and I'm hoping she doesn't.
