Today's blog is dedicated to a unique and great band: The Stray Cats
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I have a friend going to live in China - to attend school there - and he had a great idea - I told him how I'd worked with Chinese folks who have adopted English-style names to make it easier on folks since his name is difficult - perhaps my friend should adopt a Chinese style name when he goes to China? We then had some fun coming up with his new Chinese name - I voted for "Hung Low" - and what fun it would be to tell the Chinese girls he's Hung Low - but he's in favor of either "Bling Bling" or "Cha-Ching"
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Went fishing this morning - and stopped by the store to pick up some Night-crawlers. This really messes up my whole day - being a ACDC fan - I can't help but sing to each night-crawler the Night Prowler song. They seem to really enjoy it too, it eased their pain as I slid the hook into their bellies. "I'm your Night Prowler, crawling 'cross your floor I'm the Night Prowler, make a mess of you, yes I will Night Prowler, and I am telling this to you There ain't nothing you can do"
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I hear white people say about someone: "He can kiss my white ass!" - and I hear blacks saying: "Kiss my black ass" - I'm wondering - if you're white chances are pretty good you're going to have a white ass - and if you're black, the odds of you having a black ass are pretty good - I don't think we really need to clarify our ass color when we tell someone to kiss it.
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The Monkey remembers: Searching along the highways for soda bottles to turn in at the 7-11 for a deposit - gosh we'd pay for our own candy supply back then. ______________________________________________
The monkey still has fun with his dog (the remaining one) - she's the one that will go into our bedroom and lay on her bed if you command "Go get in your bed!" - I like to experiment with similar sounding commands and it makes me laugh. What I found also works is the command: "Go give some head!" - off she goes to the bedroom! Now - if I can only get my wife to do this.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: It seems some of us ARE GOING TO GET CANCER - I personally know TWO people right now that have Cancer - one is family and is dying - the other just got diagnosed. It's out there - it may find the monkey - it may find any of us. Today's Monkey invention - "Monkey Cancer Toenails" - sounds crazy - but what I will come up with in my Monkey lab is a way to make a human toenail VULNERABLE to Cancer - in other words, if you or I get Cancer - it cannot resist our toenails - but at the same time when the Cancer cells reach these toenails they turn beet-red - a big red warning flag - we go in and have our red toenail removed and start an intensive battle and search in the rest of our bodies for the cancer. In other words we make our toenails very attractive to all forms of cancer - so that we can "bait" the Cancer and take it out. (I admit I thought of this today while out fishing this morning) Gladly accepting grants and funds to further this monkey idea
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Any of you older folks remember watching the television series classic KUNG FU? My kids of course have never seen it - well not long ago I had the kids "unplugged and outside" (in other words made 'em turn off their N64, Game Cube, portable DVD players, and Game Boys and go outside) - and they were of course crying and whining. (my oldest son could start a fight in an empty house) - "Can we go back inside now?" he says. I brought a pebble over in my hand to him and did my best blind Master imitation - "Snatch the pebble from my hand Grasshopper, and you may leave" - he of course looked at me like I was a total freak and made an attempt - luckily he missed and had to go back to work, as I threw my head back and laughed just like Caine's Master. (I need some white contact lenses for next time)
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In cartoons and TV land, the really super-wise man is someone who sits cross-legged at the very top of a huge mountain, and people have to climb up there to talk to him. Perhaps that IS wise - perhaps if we were TRULY super-wise we'd be far far away from all other humans - up on a mountain top?
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My ex-wife used to get highly upset because our St. Bernard would often "pull out" his big penis and sit with it out - this angered her, which of course made me laugh - she used to say "why does it have to look like a big pink tube of lipstick!" - "Why does he have to have that out?!"
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I was in the Navy - and I was talking to my wife today and we spoke of the Philippines - and I told her how I knew plenty of Navy guys who returned from the Philippines with tales of how you could get a Philippino woman to live in your house, be a cook, a maid and a whore, for only a few bucks a week! (She was not impressed) - and then I had one of my "wrong thing to say" moments - I thought about it and said "But you know, I get all of that too - for FREE!" Note to self: Monkey - please try and keep your thoughts to yourself more often except when blogging.

Today's Monkey blog is dedicated to that crazy-fun Iraqi Information Minister I miss - Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf.
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While my wife was at home caring for our kids, I once fell in love while I was in the hospital having some surgery done - with Demerol. I couldn't get enough of it. They gave it to me as a pain killer after my surgery - not to be abused of course - but I tried like hell. I've never had any sort of drug problem in my life - but I would have if I could've taken any of that Demerol home with me. Do you know I asked for it over and over again - to the point of where most of the nurses would tell me "No more sir - you just had Demerol 20 minutes ago - not for a few more hours!" - ahhh, but the Monkey found ONE nurse, a blonde (not that has anything to do with it) - she'd give the monkey Demerol ANY TIME I asked for it - not even looking at my chart to see when I last had it. As a matter of fact when she walked by I'd roll over in my hospital bed, pull my pants down, show her my ass - and say "Please?" - and she'd hit me with a Demerol shot. The moral of this monkey story? Loose-fitting, easy-to-lower pajamas, blonde nurses and Demerol are your friends in the hospital
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: VIKING BLUES (PG) The story of Arnfinn, a homosexual, bald, short, viking from Norway (played by Clint Eastwood) who was afraid of water, hated fire, was anti-violence, didn't drink, and was chronically seasick. (1hr 20min)
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While touring Bali, I went to visit a temple with my ex-wife. As the bus pulled up to the temple, there was a huge sign in English that said "Ladies, please we ask that you do not enter the temple if you are menstruating" (This is common in many temples - no bleeding or blood on holy ground) My ex, ragging, for once in her life decided to actually listen to a rule, and stayed outside in the parking lot while I went in. When I came back out we boarded the bus, probably about 40 tourists, but my ex-wife was still out walking around in the parking lot and wasn't back on the bus. Noticing the empty seat beside me - the bus driver yells out in front of the whole bus - "Where your wife!? She no go into temple!?" I said quietly - "No, she'll be right here" But he couldn't just drop it. "Why your wife no go into temple and see temple!?" Everyone on the bus looked at me. I just pointed out the bus window the sign about menstruating filthy women - and the bus driver said "Ohhhhhh!!!!! I see!" and laughed. The bus was very quiet then, and I looked up front and saw my wife boarding the bus. She never knew what happened - and I felt SLIGHTLY guilty about the whole bus knowing her business.
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My favorite confession from grouphug.us for today: " sometimes i only eat the orange popsicles cause i feel bad for them. everyone always wants pink or purple. what about poor orange?"
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My Mother-In-Law is one who lives in the past - she can remember her HIGH SCHOOL for crying out loud! She graduated from high school about 714 years ago but remembers everyone as if it were yesterday and will GLADLY tell you about her friends from back then. I remember a FEW people - there was this big huge black guy who I used to buy pot from - he always had his hand on his crotch as if it were going to fall off if he didn't hold it. I remember a very nice music teacher who I fantasized about non-stop and used to dress her up in my mind in lacy thigh-high white stockings and high heels giving flute lessons to me after school. I remember being one of the few white kids around and getting constantly abused and even slapped around for being a "cracker" These are hardly memories I can tell MY son or daughter-in-law about can I? Am I going to have to make up stories?
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My lawn was nice and green and lush - then I started spraying weed-killer - now my yard is brown and nasty - turns out there wasn't much grass in the first place - just weeds. Now I miss 'em.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Pay Attention Alert Device" (MPAAD) - guys how many times have you been flat-out busted because you're caught by your wife asking her about something she already told you about - or she looks disgusted and says "I TOLD you that - weren't you listening? Do you hear a thing I say!?" With this new invention - you simply have your wife wear this fashionable metal helmet, the sensitive electronics within detect when your wife is telling you something that you should be listening to - a red light on top of the helmet turns on - when that light comes on - PAY ATTENTION FOOL! The good part - she can't see the red light!
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In real life, lesbians are not always drop-dead beautiful. Real life is no fun.

Today's Blog is dedicated to one of my childhood heros: Evil Knievel.
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I'd like to see a road that is built (for fun of course) - with a sign that says "Road Narrows" - with thick trees on both sides of the road, I'd like to see the road actually start to narrow down until it disappears. I think it would be great fun - sure folks would be angry about it at first when their cars get stuck between trees - but later I think they'd have a good chuckle about it.
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People I'd like to pimp slap: The person at U-Haul who thought they'd write "Gentle Ride" on their trucks - anyone who's ever driven one of these big trucks further than a city block knows they're about as gentle as a poke in the eye with a philips head screwdriver.
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The Monkey Remembers: When every kid was a total fan of the band Kiss - and you couldn't move without running into a Kiss fanatic. When we'd sit for hours with our Etch-A-Sketchs and go back and forth, back and forth, until the whole screen was black - and then you could magically see into the Etch-A-Sketch and watch how the wheels and levers worked.
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In the bathroom today at the grocery store - I thought - wouldn't it be great sometimes to be a very short person? While my wife shops I could pull out that handy "Diaper Changing Station" shelf thing and take a nap in there! Or - if I were even smaller - my wife could put me in the little seat in the shopping cart and I could just look at her breasts while we shop?
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Silly Monkey Invention idea of the day: Monkey Rain Car Wash (MRCW) - when special sensors on your car "sense" that it's raining, little jet nozzles around the car spray a special Monkey-Mixture which is a combination of soap and wax, you simply drive and the rain will wash your car instead of trashing it.
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Call me hoity-toity if you must - but it rubs me the wrong way to hear grown, educated adults that insist on using "goes" for "said" - for example I heard today:
"I was talking to my husband yesterday and I go, "Will you be home early tonight?" he goes, "maybe" - and I go "okay". Cut it out with the "go" stuff!
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My favorite confession from today's grouphug.us: " My friend wanted to get her hair cut short, and I told her it would look awesome even though I knew it would look like shit. I only did this because I wanted her to be uglier."
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day "LONG FALL" (R) - the story of a man named Charles Bradley who decides to end his miserable life and commit suicide by jumping off his apartment balcony. On the way down, falling, he has a clear view of what's going in other apartments through their windows, he sees children playing with legos, he sees happy families eating dinner together, he sees a man eating his girlfriend out, he sees an old man reading the Bible, he sees so many wonderful and wondrous scenes through these windows that he changes his mind about suicide halfway down. This movie doesn't have a surprise ending nor a happy ending. (2 hrs 45 min)

Today's blog is dedicated to H.P. Lovecraft.
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Monkey Memories: Remember when hotels would proudly out on their signs: "COLOR TV"? Remember bringing big clanking lunch boxes to school - my mother would tape 6 cents in the inside lid for me to buy a milk each day. Remember the toy "Stretch Armstrong"? My brother's and I HAD to pull his head off in no time to find out what was in him.
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Blogs I'd like to see: "Possum Blog" - I believe the blog of a possum (IF they could have them of course - it's a far-stretch) - would be something like this:
July 2, 2004: BARELY made it across the highway last night - Uncle Jim and his friend weren't so lucky
July 3, 2004: Morning and we found Aunt Lucy, Carl, my neighbor's son, and my Uncle Ted. SLOW DOWN PEOPLE! What's the hurry? I literally felt that SUV touch my tail!
July 4, 2004: What are those explosions and fireworks for? Makes it hard to concentrate on the highway - my friend Sally was killed and 3 of her babies were also.
July 5, 2004: Rough night last night - I made it across (obviously) - but I'm told there are 17 dead from our neighborhood.
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Guess who's staying in a HOTEL ROOM tomorrow night people? (refer to the blog from the other day) There will be heavy-duty sex of course - and hey - maybe my wife will even join me!
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Crazy Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey's Super Laundry Detergent (MSLD) - I think it's downright silly to put in a whole scoop or a cup of laundry detergent - it's the detergent companies milking us for money. With the Monkey's Super Laundry Detergent - you put into each wash load a TINY TINY bit and it does the job - one small box of this detergent will last a large family over a YEAR. Get your orders in now. Oh yeah - it gets your clothes really clean also.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: People who spend SO much time worrying over gossip and what everyone ELSE is doing - that they fail to realize their own lives are far from perfect and they should devote a little more time to themselves. As Hank Williams Jr. says in a song - "If you mind your own business - you'll be busy all the time"
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CRASH DOWN" (PG-17) - the amazing true story of a UFO crash landing that occurred in January of 1982 in Nevada. The amazing part of this story is that the UFO wasn't made of strange exotic alien technology; metals never seen before, etc - but the UFO appeared to have been constructed out of rubber bands, duct tape, super-glue, aluminum foil, pieces of cardboard, held together in some places by what appeared to be chewing gum.
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My favorite confession from grouphug.us for today: "I sleep in my tent everynight outside because I am ashamed of masterbation in my families home"
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Those of you that know the monkey know I like the way things work in cartoon land - the physics of the cartoon world just makes me laugh. I snore to the point of where many nights my wife has to kick me out of her bed. Since I'm getting into trouble snoring anyway - I think it would be just grand if I snored in a cartoon-like way. For instance - in some cartoons when a person snores his sheets come all the way off of his body, hover in midair for a moment, and fall back down - with each snore - that'd be too cool. And if I had a long Santa-like beard - I'd like it to roll up and down like a window shade when I snore.

Today's blog is dedicated to the band Rush - and their wonderful album 2112, which gave the monkey many hours of fun listening and wonderment when he was a kid
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For years after my brothers got out of their braces - there were these little tiny rubber bands all over the house - I always thought they were pretty disgusting - and I think they were multiplying when no one was looking! My uncle not only wore braces and had these rubber bands all over his house, but he did a paper route for years and had the big green rubber bands all over also. You could not see the floor for rubber bands in his house.
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What is it about hotel rooms!? ALL I want to do from the moment I set foot in a hotel room of any sort is screw like a rabbit - in the bathroom, the huge comfy well-made bed, in the chairs, EVERYWHERE and NON-STOP! Do they put something in the air conditioners in hotel rooms to make me this way? What's going on? My wife has learned to be well prepared because as soon as I set the suitcase down in a hotel room it's party time.
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Monkey Future Prediction: In the future it will be relatively easy to have your actual lungs replaced with artificial lungs that do just as good of a job. Once "installed" - these lungs can be rather easily replaced with new ones through day surgery. You smokers out there - smoke away and get your lungs replaced monthly with new, clean ones. At only $14.50 each lung, and $70.00 for the day surgery - you'll be enjoying new, fresh clean lungs in no time.
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I had a milestone thought the other day in my life. I was checking out some girly's butt (I'm a butt man ya see) - and it suddenly dawned on me - I'm old enough to be that girl's father for crying out loud! I felt no remorse at all, but still, it was a landmark thought in my life.
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Have you ever accidently moved your mouse to the "hot corner" and your screensaver kicks in? The screen goes blank and for a small second you think you're dying or blacking out? Not good.
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Silly Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "HOW MUCH WOOD?" (R) - the touching story of a farmer who finds a woodchuck in his barn. At first they are mortal enemies, but later come to an understanding. You'll laugh, you'll cry... (2hrs 22 min - extreme violence, adult situations and language, extreme sexual content and acts)
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My favorite confession from todays grouphug.us: " Sometimes I find my self wondering, what would it feel like to cut my eyeball with a pair of scissors." Second runner up: "I want to run away but we're having hotdogs tonight"
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Hands of Death: Those little kid's toys - sticky rubbery green hands on the end of a long sticky gooey string - they win them in places like arcades. I call them "Hands of Death" because the next kid that brings one into my house dies. You ever see what happens when they fling them up at the ceiling and they stick? Have you seen the marks it leaves behind?

Today's Blog is dedicated to the wonderful old-school classic toy - Lite Brite. (Lite Brite making things out of light...)
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Things heard around the Monkey house:
The youngest son announces he just got out of the bathroom and he had a "bad poop".
Concerned, for once, the older teenaged son says: "Was it hard or soft?"
The little one looks disgusted - "I don't KNOW, I didn't TOUCH it!!"
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I'm SO strong willed - out with the family tonight, after dinner my wife says "Let's get something at Dairy Queen!" - we pull up at the drive-thru and when they ask our order ("Dsoo sdwwer sollstee"? is what it sounds like on the intercom) - I am a STRONG monkey and I order NOTHING - no Butterfinger Blizzard for me, no large vanilla malt - NOTHING! I'm feeling smug and thinner as we drive down the road and everyone in the car slurps away at their DQ treats, I have SELF-CONTROL...I have DISCIPLINE! Then my wife says "I can't finish my vanilla malt - and holds it out"
I grabbed it and sucked it down with the swiftness of a startled gazelle.
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That Target Store Mascot - the dog named "Bullseye" - he's got a red bullseye target - on HIS LEFT EYE! If I were him I'd be scared to go anywhere near kids with BB guns or archers. He's only asking for trouble with that sort of marking. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye...
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Monkey Future Predictions: In the future, guns will shoot special bullets that will not kill but rather knock a person out for a period of 72 hours. (Similar to what Marlin Perkins and Jim used on Wild Kingdom) Criminals can then be dragged down unconscious to the jail, booked and fingerprinted, and nobody gets hurt - drunks wake up 72 hours later sober and under control.
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Why do us men sometimes grab our crotches? I don't do it very often - rarely if ever in public - I'm guilty of it sometimes though - around my wife - sometimes I'll say something to her and grab my crotch. She finds this annoying - I don't blame her - she asked me the other day - her and her girlfriend ganged up on me at a party - "WHY do men grab their crotches? What's the purpose!?" They caught me off guard - I have no answers. I know men do it to different degrees - some can't seem to talk WITHOUT doing it - It's a way of expression I guess? My teenaged son has started doing it - of course I get blamed by Mrs. Monkey for teaching him this - I didn't do it!
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey Home Time Delayed Safes (MHTDS) - the safe is installed into your home - you drop money into certain slots for certain things - each slot has a different programmed time-delay; the vacation fund safe will open the day before you go on vacation next year - the college fund for your kids will open in X amount of years, etc. Sure you get no interest like in the banks - but it's convenient.
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The monkey's favorite T-Shirt he's seen: "if god didnt want man to eat p---- he wouldn't have made it look like a taco"

Today's blog is dedicated in memory of Marilyn Monroe - one of the most beautiful women there ever was
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This one ain't a pretty story: A guy I used to party with in the Navy had a wife that didn't trust him - and word around the campfire was that every time he came home at night from partying she would make him pull out his Johnston and she'd smell it - she could tell where it'd been. You probably didn't want to hear that but you did - it ain't pretty in the Monkey Cage sometimes.
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My favorite confession today on grouphug.us: "I think I'm better than everyone else. And it's kind of true..."
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It takes a big man to buy tampons or pads for their wife - that's what I tell myself when I get sent to the store - the first time I ever got sent for such items I almost had a heart attack, but then I started thinking about it - and that's crazy - it got easier the next time I had to do it. Now, if my wife needs me to go pick some up I don't even flinch.
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Monkey Silly Movie Idea of the Day: "Please Play Again" (PG-17) - The touching and heartwarming true story of Joe Smith, a psychotic killer who in 1997 was told by God that he was to be entered in a contest where he could win 12 million dollars - every human once killed is either a prize or not a winner - the only way to tell is to kill them and cut them open, there on the wall of the left lung of each human is either an announcement of a winner, or a "Sorry - please play again". (Of course only Joe Smith can see this writing) Watch as Joe travels the country killing, cutting, and looking for that lucky winner (2hrs 3 min)
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My ex-wife once woke the monkey up with a cup of hot coffee - sounds nice huh? Nope - she was a bit psycho, and bitter. I slept as far away from her as possible - which was usually the living room couch. One morning I awoke to find my back burning - I look up and she's standing over me - literally pouring stinkin' hot coffee on my bare back. (She was pissed about something or another) - that's the closest I've ever came to hitting a woman.
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Have you noticed that if there's one thing Alcoholics are good at, it's standing people up, flaking on them, etc. You can always depend on an alcoholic to be undependable.
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My Mother-in-Law - who has INFINITE wisdom, tells me that mouse traps are terrible - messy and noisy and cruel - so what does she suggest? She suggest those sticky strips - the kind mice walk unto and get stuck and die, often stuck to these strips by their noses. Oh yeah Mother-In-Law of infinite wisdom, really humane.
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Who remembers back when drink cans had actual pull tabs - you put your finger in the ring and yanked - and you ended up with a a pull-tab - this you could then bend and connect to another pull tab, and those two to yet another - to make a long string of pull tabs, you could then add another string to it, and so on until you'd built a nice cool pull tab curtain!

Today's blog is dedicated to Ted Nugent - my hero when I was a kid
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I made the mistake of going up to the counter to pay for my son's video game rental. The guy behind the counter was king of the geeks: "Whoa dude! You're getting Death Fighters from Hades'? (or whatever it was called)
Me: Umm - yeah I...
Video Game checkout geek: "Man this game ROCKS dude - the intensity is righteous, the load-times are phenomenal man - for an FPS it's got great visuals, very tight control - the resolution has been tweaked and turned up - excellent choice! It's for Game Cube or X-Box?"
Me: "I don't know - I believe think it's for X-B..."
Video Game checkout geek: "You ROCK man - the X-Box RULES over Game Cube on SO many levels, the graphics capabilities are.."
Me: "It's for my son over there - it's his game"
Video Game checkout geek: "Dude, your son ROCKS renting this game - ask him if he's read the reviews of this game in Game Enforcer Magazine!"
Me: "I will - gotta run"
In the parking lot I told the boy from now on he pays for the rentals of games
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I'd like to see someone breed a chocolate lab that when you go up and lick it - actually tastes like chocolate! The Lab wouldn't mind! Right? And how about the Golden Retriever's coat tastes like butterscotch when you lick it!? The White Lab can taste like vanilla, and I want a Rotweiler's fur to taste like a mocha! I'm gong to get together in my Monkey laboratory with Willy Wonka right after I post this blog and we'll see what we can do!
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: Ever notice that if you microwave some popcorn everyone that comes around tries to tell you how you're "supposed" to do it? As if THEIR way of nuking popcorn is the magical, ONLY way. "Oh no man, put it on 4:14 seconds and it will be perfect!" - "That's not the way to do it - put it on medium power and 5:12 seconds", blah blah blah! Come on already! I personally set the microwave for 5 minutes, and listen for the popping to slow down to 5.32 seconds between pops - you see - that's the ONLY way to cook it!
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Bank tellers want to pimp-slap the monkey. You see, anytime I see a pen attached to one of those ball-chains, I MUST play with it. I usually at first wave the pen back and forth really quickly and make the chain do a cool wavey-thing - then I hold the pen up and use it to make the ball-chain form a really cool tight spiral. I'll bet bank tellers hate people like me that play with that chain, but I can't resist - I love 'em.
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One of the many things I love and respect about my wife: If we go into an adult shop to look around, get movies, etc - she's NEVER embarrassed - the Monkey is - I have no idea WHY I am - but I want to get in there and get out again, keep my head down. Not my dear wife - if she wants to rent a movie she'll stand there looking at them as long as she wants, pulling them out and reading the backs of them, she'll look at the toys also - no problem - she doesn't care how many guys are in there, etc. She says feeling embarrassed or ashamed in a porn shop is "silly". She's so right - I wish I could be more like her in that regards.

Today's Blog dedicated to Colonel Harland Sanders
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Am seeing more and more women with their hair dyed bright pink - I think it looks pretty cool - but dammit I can't look at a woman like that without wondering about her bush being the same color - and if it is - VERY cool - like cotton candy - yummy - I LOVE cotton candy!! So those pink-haired chicks make the monkey think of sex AND eating and a combination of both of those, at the same time! Thanks pink-haired ladies!
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Silly Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Gas Chamber Charlie" (PG-17) - the heartwarming true story of a man named Charlie Carson, who in 1942 was the janitor in charge of cleaning out the famous gas chamber in San Quentin State Prison. Watch as Charlie's co-worker guards play pranks on him like turning on the gas while he's mopping and Charlie falls out the door half-dead but laughing. Or the time Charlie snuck his girlfriend into the chamber late one night for a romp. Learn about the time Charlie came barging in with his cleaning cart unaware there was an execution in progress. Watch as Charlie's poor heart is broken the year they outlawed the gas chamber. To Charlie the chamber wasn't a place for dying, but a place filled with life and fun. Watch as Charlie, then out of a job, turns the gas chamber on one more time, locks the door, and sits down on his mop bucket to die. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after watching Gas Chamber Charlie.
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Sometimes I think it's pretty cool how our bodies have ALMOST two of everything that's really important; two eyes, two ears, two lungs, two balls or two ovaries, two breasts, two kidneys, hands, legs, - it's cool we have spares in case something happens to one of them. But I worry (probably needlessly?) - about the things we only have ONE of - yikes! What if something happens to our brain? Our talley-whackers? Our HEART for crying out loud!? WHAT THEN?
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Silly Monkey Invention of the day: Monkey Holiday Pee Pills (MHPP) - pop one of these pills and your pee will change colors! Great fun for the entire family! Each pill provides different holiday color fun: Christmas: Red, Valentines Day: Red, St. Patrick's Day: Green, Easter: Pink, Halloween: Black. Don't flush that toilet - leave it for someone else to enjoy the holiday colors!
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People that need to be pimp slapped: People that run up in cities and start washing your windshield at red lights and traffic jams. You don't TOUCH a person's car - not even the window! People that put their feet up on the seat backs in front of them in movie theaters - even if someone's NOT in it - we don't put our feet on seats okay!? If I were an usher I'd carry a big heavy crow bar and shatter the shins of these ill-mannered punks! (AND pimp-slap 'em!)
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If a porn star just started coming inside his lady during filming, and not ON her, I think he would probably get a warning from management. The second time he didn't come on her in some way he'd probably get a written letter of reprimand from management. I'd think that the third time he didn't make a mess somewhere on her they'd probably have no choice but to fire him, and he could FORGET using that porn company as a reference on his resume mister!
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I've always been a Mac-user - and so when my wife wanted an iPod I looked forward to once again working with Apple. We ordered an iPod, and when we check the shipping order we see it's being shipped from Shanghai, China - "what the..!?" a little research shows the iPods are manufactured in Shanghai. Hello - APPLE? HOW MANY Americans are out of work right now, or laid-off, looking for work?! Shame shame!
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It never fails - when some disgruntled employee comes into an office with a gun blazing away at folks, later someone always says "I heard a popping sound - I thought it was just firecrackers" I don't know about where YOU work - but MOST places frown on setting off fire crackers in the office - so when you hear fire crackers in your office - it's NOT!! - get under a desk! Also later they interview neighbors of the killers and we get the same story: "He was a quiet man, minded his own business, never any trouble" So let's all stay one step ahead, and go around our neighborhoods finding quiet, reserved, well-mannered men and let's beat the living hell out of them NOW before they hurt someone! And then check their crawlspaces and basements for bodies! Let's GO! Report back here tomorrow!

When I was a child one night I heard my mother and step-father getting it on. I was curious (didn't know yet) - I said -
"Mama, (I'm originally a Southern Monkey ya know) - what were you doing last night?"
"What do you mean?" she asked
"I heard you like, moaning and stuff last night!"
(She turned red - I do remember that, and she thought for a few seconds)
"Your step dad was tickling me" she said.
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One banana, two banana, three banana, four
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin' on to bring you the Banana Splits show
NOT a good song to listen to while working out - I put it on and was benching - and sure enough - started laughing at how stupid I am for listening to the Banana Splits song while bench pressing, which almost made me kill myself. Tra la la, la la la la
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The monkey was walking through Walmart the other day searching for my wife (That's what I do in Walmart - we split up so I can go look at something and then it takes me 2.3 hours to find her again) - I was near the toys and I hear loud farting - I look down the aisle and there's an older man walking down an aisle farting. WHY!? Why can't people behave in Walmart!? It's bad enough we usually have big huge ladies yelling at their skinny tattooed husbands in Walmart - it's bad enough we have parents in there beating their kids, but now we have people in there walking around farting!? Act better in Walmart people or they'll take it away!
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Good old Navy story: I once came home to my barracks and found my drunken roommate sitting naked on his bed, with tweezers, trying to pick off crabs from his talley whacker and then he was burning them with his lighter. I think it was then I had a revelation - I didn't want to have a roommate in the Navy anymore, especially not him. He eventually gave up on the "seek and destroy" method of killing these crabs and went to the doctor - I insisted.
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They won't really take away Walmart - I was only kidding - don't worry
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Remember the girl a week or so at work who told me about her hernia - on her VAGINA!? (That's what she told me!) - I was in shock for some time - I spent hours wondering - WHY ME - WHY did she tell me this - WHY do I care!? I'm over it now - I can look at her again now without thinking of her vaginal hernia - I'm so over it that I think I may go up to her tomorrow and say - "How's your vagina these days?" What do you think!?
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If I ever skip a blog entry - it's going to look like this:
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You can tell a lot about a person by analyzing the trash that littered his neighborhood as a kid. In my neighborhood were empty bottles of T.J. Swann, used condoms, MD 20/20, Boones Farm Strawberry, Thunderbird, Schlitz Malt Liquer Bull cans, empty Zig Zag rolling papers, and Everclear bottles. This tells us that I grew up in a neighborhood of caring, sensitve, educated, God-fearin' folk. Right?

The Monkey is back - I got caught up in a lot of different things - work, relatives, yard projects, etc. But now I'm back amongst my friends.
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: RASPUKIN (R) - The touching story of a Russian teenager who comes home drunk from a party and can't stop puking. His roommate is highly aggravated and beats Raspukin badly. Raspukin continues to puke and the roommate gets no sleep. The roommate then poisons Raspukin, but this only seems to bring on more puking. The roommate pulls a pistol in anger and shoots Raspukin at point-blank range 3 times in the back of the head, then dumps his body in the Neve River.
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A lady I work with must pack her clothes in mothballs - she reeks of mothballs - she'll then put on nasty perfume which makes it worse - she also reeks of coffee which she drinks by the gallon - she then goes into the bathroom at work, is in there forever, stinks up the bathroom, sprays tons of that nasty deodorizer in there, and comes out stinking like mothballs, coffee, cheap perfume, poop, and room deodorizer. I can't take it.
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Monkey invention of the Day: "Monkey Instant Fat Pills" (MIFP) - Take one of these pills in the morning - and any fattening food you eat will be turned into INSTANT fat on your body within 2 hours! "What's the advantage of THAT Mr. Monkey!?" You ask? This helps keep you in line with eating correctly - keeps your mind right. I will put out beta-test pills - because I'm thinking these pills will help people eat right by providing instant results.
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My Mother-In-Law unfortunately sat near the window to watch my sons and I do fireworks out in the yard this past fourth. The screaming that came from her mouth went something like this:
"They're too close to the house! They're going to start a fire!"
"Don't let them hold those firecrackers in their hands and throw them - they'll blow off their hands!
"Pick up every one of those fireworks when you're done - there - over there by the tree - what's that!? Paper?"
"You guys are not back far enough! Get BACK!"
etc., etc.
I so much wanted to fire a bottle rocket through the window at her - but alas I had none.
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I believe oral sex is one of the greatest inventions in the world - to give and get - and I'm sad that I didn't invent it myself in my "Monkey Invention of the Day"

Greetings wonderful and loyal Monkey-Cage readers!

Last night the monkey attended a party for a workmate who is getting called back into service - to go serve our country in Afghanistan - for ONE YEAR - so that was a lot of fun - the monkey got pretty wasted, but had fun and stayed out of trouble. So I didn't get to blog last night because of this party.

And then TODAY - I'm recovering from my monkey-antics last night - no real hangover - but had to catch up on a lot of chores around the house, yardwork, etc.

So no blog yesterday, no blog today.

I'll be back tomorrow night with a new Monkey-Cage blog!

Meanwhile - take care and thanks for your patience - I love you all and the amount of love and loyalty my readers have shown me is truly heartwarming and means a lot to me!

Back soon my fine friends!