PMS - women - I don't know how you do it - I have tried to imagine what it must be like - what it must feel like - and I cannot - I know I would be going around wanting to hurt people - I know It'd drive me mad. I couldn't do it. Pregnancy and childbirth - same thing - I couldn't - I've lived through a few myself - from a spectator's point of view - the whole thing would suck. And I'd not do it - I'd not even ever want to push out a baby through there. You women - you're incredible creatures - strong and brave.
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Those of you that know the monkey know I work out - lift weights, body build, pump iron, whatever you want to call it. (And my wife can attest that I didn't start body building to make up for any other smaller attributes!) My chest is big - not Arnold big - or any other steroid-using monster-man big, but big. Do you think women I work with ever come up and feel my chest? No way. BUT - do you think when we're all out at parties and they're drinking - do you think they find a way to cop a feel? Guess what guys - they DO. In front of my wife they'll even do it, they find ways to do it. Fine and dandy - I don't care - but I just want to point out how totally messed up it'd be if I waited until I was drinking and off work and went over and felt a woman's breasts - in front of her husband would be even more insane. Is there a double standard? Discuss it among yourselves and I want a 1,391 word report on my desk first thing Monday morning.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "HALF TIME" (R) - the touching and heartbreaking story of a young mermaid who was unfortunately born with a rare mermaid birth defect which leaves her with half of her lower body as a normal mermaid fin, and the other side is a human leg! Watch her struggle to learn to swim - watch as she is shunned by both humans and mermaids. She is called "the H-word" ("Half-Fin") and banished from both the human and mermaid world. (Adult themes, nudity, strong sexual content, extreme violence) (1 hr 38 min)
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You ain't lived until you've had someone's GRANDMOTHER spit tobacco off of her porch onto your back. Yep - my step-father's redneck mother sits on her porch in a small North Carolina town, playing the guitar, singing gospel, and chewing tobacco. As a kid I was down in her yard playing, not wearing a shirt (We didn't know what shirts were) - and SPLAT - something HOT and wet hit my back with an actual cartoon-sounding SPLAT, and rolled down my back and down into my underwear.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: Self-destroying contact lenses. Perhaps you contact wearers have seen this scenario - your contacts start to get a little dry and bothersome - and you say to yourself - tomorrow I'll put in a new fresh pair. The next day rolls around and you're too lazy - so you put up with an older pair of lenses for another day - this is unhealthy for your eyes I'm sure you know. With the Monkey Self-Destroying Contact Lenses (MSDCL's) - when they're no longer fresh and getting old, you go to bed - they will DISSOLVE - in the morning - they're gone! You HAVE to change them now you lazy ass!

"I get off on 57 Chevys.." - (Eric Clapton - I've Got a Rock And Roll Heart) Mr. Clapton: Do you have any idea how much that will damage a paint job?
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It's my wife's second marriage - in her first marriage her husband pushed the wedding cake into her face. She hated that. The monkey didn't know this. So when she and I got married - she was looking forward to me NOT doing this - since I'm such a nice guy. I had no idea. Her brother came up to me before the wedding and told me to push the cake into her face - he said it was tradition and fun and I was supposed to. I said "Are you sure?" - he said yes - that I had to. I did. To this day I feel terrible about doing this to my lovely wife - I wish I'd not been so gullible.
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Blogs I'd like to see: The Opposite Blog. In this blog - the actual blog is in the comments - and people comment on the main blog page.
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My neighbor in Texas was an older lady - and lived by herself - so I'd go over and help her - cut her grass, do chores around the house, etc. One day she came over with a new fancy 5-year light bulb - she'd just bought it and was SO happy about it lasting five years - she wouldn't have to get me to change her bulbs for five years! I said I'd put it up on her porch for her - she handed it to me - I dropped it and it shattered into 47,230 pieces. Five years - horse-feathers!
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Have you noticed realtors for some reason like to put their pictures on everything; on their business cards, on billboards, in their newspaper ads, they even have their mugs in the phone books! What's the deal with this? Are they vain? Do they think we NEED to see their faces? Why? Someone please explain this realtor/picture thing to the monkey.
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Stupid things the Monkey has done: One day I was ranting about how cool cartoon land is to my wife - cartoon physics - and I was on the floor watching TV. I was laughing about how cartoon characters take off running, but their feet never quite catch traction right away - especially if they're moving fast - their feet spin around super-fast for a few seconds - THEN catch and they're off. I was demonstrating this to my wife, on the carpet, in my bare feet. Do you have any idea how badly I carpet-burned my poor feet? Do you?! She still laughs about that day.
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Crazy Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Idea Light Bulbs" (MILB) - in comics, when someone has a brilliant idea, a light bulb always appears over their head and lights up - sometimes with a "ding!" sound. With the Monkey Idea Light Bulb - a light bulb is attached to each person's head in a company - when you get an idea, you hit a switch - and the light bulb over your head turns on. Your co-workers will then KNOW you have an idea and rush over - "What is it!?" they'll say! You don't have to say anything - just turn on your idea light bulb, people will ask - "What's the idea?!"
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When I was in the US Navy I learned the fine art of making a bathroom (called a "head" in the Navy) appear super-clean! Find the floor drain, and pour about a half a gallon of Pinesol down it. The whole bathroom will soon reek of Pinesol - it'll last for hours - and if people believe if something SMELLS clean - why then it IS clean!
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Monkey Predictions: In the year 2018, we humans will become very good at using and altering clouds - that's right - CLOUDS. We will be able to change the color, shape, height and general appearance of clouds from the ground using new "cloud technology". Clouds will be used in new and interesting ways. For instance to get the weather report in 2018, meteorologists will give you "weather clouds" - you simply look outside for a "weather cloud" the meteorologist will put up - a blue cloud signifies a rainy day, a yellow cloud - a sunny day forecast, a red cloud is thunderstorms, etc. Stock reports will be in the sky for you market-watchers - check for the stocks cloud. Individual businesses will have clouds over their headquarters - the clouds will give the company status. Yes friends, in the future clouds will be more than just puffy balls of cotton in the sky to admire. Cloud Technology - look for it in 2018 in the sky near you.

My mother-in-law needed help on her computer (as always) - I had to set up a new one for her - turns out she didn't remember her password to get into her ISP - knowing her, and on a hunch, I tried the default password of "WELCOME" - it worked - she'd never changed it. (Shame on her ISP for not MAKING her change it) She didn't see a problem with having it as "WELCOME". Later she said she did NOT want her update software going out and checking for Windows updates during the night because "I think maybe hackers could get into my computer if I'm asleep and it dials out to do this"
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Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written by a huge sexual addict freak pervert:
June 23: Hired two prostitutes to dress up in FedEx uniforms, come over, tie me up with duct tape, one sat on my face and beat me with a frozen Salmon while puking on my stomach while the other watched from the corner and read the complete Gettysburg Address backwards.
June 24: hired two women again (this is expensive!) one I went down on while she cussed me out and called me a bad dog, the other I had dress up like the scarecrow on the Wizard of Oz and uses pliers to try and pull out my toenails.
June 25: Another of my fantasies lived today - I hired a large prostitute, (she had to be over 347 lbs) to dress as a NASCAR driver, come to my house, call me a Mama's boy when I answered the door, and kick me in the balls.. It hurt so good. (Easy money for her!)
June 26: I called phone sex lines all day and had the girls pretend they're my dead Grandmother, call me a pervert and slam the phone down.
June 27: I bought a live lobster and had it pinch my butt while I watched Oprah, covered myself in hot turtle wax, masturbated, and ate pickled pig's feet from a jar.
June 28: hired a prostitute to come to my house wearing a Baskin-Robin's uniform, and throw scoops of chocolate-chip cookie dough at my private parts.
June 29: I went to the zoo and masturbated in the public bathroom while listening to the lions roar. Am I a kinky woman or what? Do you think I need help?
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My wife's cat who hates me (regular readers will know that I call this cat "Osama Bin-Kitty") got OUT today - yep - one of these kids left the deck screen door open and Bin-Kitty got out - did she RUN? Hell no - she was found by my wife under the deck - why didn't Bin-Kittty RUN!? That's like a prisoner escaping from prison and they find them out in the exercise yard! RUN KITTY RUN!!!
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Brain Cleanser 2000" (MBC2000) Insert the nozzle gently into your left ear, turn on the power switch, and prepare to have your brain cleaned! Special brain-cleaning fluids are shot from the machine into the nozzle - the fluid then gently swirls around in your brain, cleaning out impurities, addictions, perversions, cravings, bad thoughts and ideas, stupidity, and ignorance. Watch then as the fluid comes out of your other ear - muddy and smelly - when the green light turns on - your brain is cleaned! The Monkey Brain Cleanser 2000 comes with all parts necessary to clean up your brain. (2 "AA" batteries sold separately)
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Older Saturday Morning cartoon watchers - Did anyone watch "Shazam!" when you were young? I admit - I did - and even as a kid I was suspicious of the entire situation - an older man traveling around with a MUCH younger "friend" in a winnebago. Come on now. But I sat through it - because after Shazam! came "Oh Mighty Isis!(isis isis isis)" - and wow - even as a young monkey she would give me an Oh Mighty Woody (woody woody woody..)!!
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CLAY ACHING'" (PG-17) - when Jealous husband Roger (played by Clint Eastwood) finds out his wife spends more time listening to Clay Aikens CD's than she does listening to him - he vows revenge. Watch as Roger travels from Kentucky to Hollywood where he finds Clay Aikens in the studio, busy making ANOTHER album. Roger makes the American Idol sing with tire irons, pliers, a hammer, his fists, a rusty nail, a chair, an ice pick, and finally a Ginsu knife.

You know, Forrest Gump gets highly upset at those guys in the strip club - but dammit - Jenny WAS sitting up on stage playing a guitar and singing folk music for crying out loud - your average feller in a strip club cares not for folk music. Come on Forrest - lighten' up!
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Truth Shirts" - the Monkey Truth Shirts (MTS) are work at bars and other social gatherings - but mainly bars - they're simply tee-shirts one can put on - guys and girls - that tell the TRUTH - and sum up things about them. For instance for men and women there are shirts that can be worn that say:
"Looking to get laid tonight"
"Not interested in sex - looking for long-term relationship"
"Just here to drink"
"I'm only here to dance"
"I'm here to drink, dance and maybe get laid"
"Married man/woman"
"stoned out of my head"
etc... This would cut down on a lot of idle chit-chat in bars - you could simply look at a person's truth-shirt and tell what's up with them. The shirts could even be color-coded.
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Went out with my wife last night - had a great time. I drink Budweiser beer - or Coors - plain and simple. You know what I hear from bartenders? I hear:
"I'd like a bud please" I say.
"Bud-Light?" they ask.
Same story when I ask for a Coors. The bartender looks at me goofy - "A Coors LIGHT?"
No - NOT a Bud LIGHT - a BUD - plain ol' BUD. Not a Coors LIGHT - a COORS please.
Am I the only person in the world who drinks beer without the "LIGHT" name on the end?
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My favorite confession for today from grouphug.us: " Once when I was in kindergarten there was a kermit the frog with bendy arms and legs. He was nice and new. I had an identical one at home but the tongue was all faded and light pink. So I brought the kermit from home one day and during naptime I switched them. I feel so guilty and when I told my parents years alter they made me feel terrible for it. I'm sorry."
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A lady I work with who's a bit on the strange side (Look who's talkin' huh?!) - she starts telling me how she can't lift things too well - says she has a hernia.
Trying to make conversation, I say: "Oh gosh that's too bad - is it a groin hernia?"
She tells me. "No - I have a hernia in my VAGINA"
I DID NOT need to HEAR that - I didn't need to KNOW that!!!! WHY!? Why tell the monkey this!?
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day "MINER INJURIES" (PG-17) - The story of a clumsy gold miner named Carl - set in the Gold Rush days in California. Every time Carl swings his pick axe there's an injury. He took off part of Jim's foot once - another time his pick axe smacked Fred the Miner's head, damn near decapitating him. Everyone and everything has been whacked by clumsy Carl at one point or another, but he's such a nice young miner fellow that others tolerate his clumsiness. Watch as Carl puts his axe through Jimmy's stomach one morning - watch as Carl's Axe knocks loose a beam, causing a cave-in that buries 13 fellow miners alive. For those that enjoy senseless violence, this is the movie for you. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never look at a pick axe the same way again after seeing MINER INJURIES (2 hrs)
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It might be worth it to live in a trailer, be a teenager, and have a sister - JUST so that when your parents say - "Monkey take out the trailer trash please" - you could go over and grab your sister and try and throw her out the door.
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Fireworks: I hear fireworks going off outside tonight - June 27th . This makes the monkey laugh and laugh - I find it hilarious when I hear them in late June - I can just SEE some guys sitting around the house saying "Just ONE - I've got to do just ONE - can't wait for the fourth - must...do....fireworks...can't wait....any...longer"

When men die - does rigor mortis set in for ALL parts? Are there any undertakers in the house...err...cage?
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My Mother - a great mother in all regards - used to tell us kids during lightening storms - "If you look out the window, it ATTRACTS lightening - stay away from the windows" (She'd usually tell us this as she talked on the PHONE to someone during a storm - while washing dishes) I thought this info was valid for years - (we didn't have such luxuries as snopes.com back then) I thought if my own mama said it - it must be true. However - I don't think it IS true. Therefore I have decided to continue this family tradition and will come up with wacky things to tell my own kids - something they may grow up believing and then find out for themselves it was false. This will build character. (Worked for me) Here's some ideas:
* If you blow your nose into a Kleenex while there's a lightening storm IF you've just eaten - this will attract lightening.
* Never lay in your bed with a woody while there's a lightening storm - your talleywhacker can and will act as a lightening rod.
* In scientific studies - amazingly enough it was found that houses containing Clay Aikens CD's attracted more lightening strikes than those without Clay.
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I was visiting Hong Kong once - (The Monkey's done his fair share of travelling in his day) - I couldn't sleep and was walking the streets. A fellow in the street says to me - "Interested in a girl?" He says. (Sure, I thought - my wife! - awwww - What a good boy!)
"No thanks" I say as I keep walking
"I can get you a young girl" he says
"No thanks" I say
"She can be very very VERY young!" he calls out
"No but thanks" I say.
The moral to this story - some guys will do anything to get out of baby-sitting - what a loser - just watch the kid it'll be over before long!
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a billionaire with too much time on his or her hands bury 5 million bucks out there somewhere - each day this billionaire gives a more detailed clue as to the location, until the money is won by a reader. Example:
June 25: Western US
June 26: State in which Barry Goldwater was born
June 27: In a tree
June 28: Oak
June 29: 43 ft tall
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I think back in the ol' jolly-roger pirate days it'd be stupid to even APPLY for a pirate job if you
A) Had all your limbs,
B) had both eyes,
C) didn't own a striped shirt,
D) Had no pet parrot.
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We'll be able to tell our grandkids - "Why *I* remember when the web first started - we called it "The World-Wide Web" - there was no Google, most web-pages had black text, grey backgrounds, and blue links - we had no pop-ups, we had no banner ads - those were the simple days"
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Silly Monkey Movie Of the Week: AUTO-RESPONSE (PG-17) - A man in his office in Hickory, NC sets up an auto response for incoming emails "I'm away on vacation - back soon" - a man in Livingston, MT emails this man in NC and then he too goes on vacation - switching on his auto-response email - "I'm away - leave a message" - the NC man's computer auto-responds to the auto-response email from MT - and then the one in MT auto-responds to the auto-response, which replies to the auto-response which triggers an auto-response to an auto-response from the auto-response of the auto-response and the auto-response..... (1 hr, 9 min)

Wacky Monkey Invention of the Day: The Monkey Carb-Sucker Vacuum (MCSV) -With everyone getting in on the low-carb bandwagon - the Monkey has been busy in his laboratory - I want in on this too! With my new Monkey Carb-Sucker Vacuum, I can go into people's cupboard and refrigerator, and suck out all the carbs from their food - I'll also take them all out and put them in a huge plastic garbage bag and dispose of them for you - for an additional $47.32
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In the Australian Outback - I watched an Aborigine "show" - a tribe of Australian Aborigines showed a lot of tourists how they play the didgeridoo, how the boomerang is thrown, and they also teaching everyone about "Witchetty Grubs" - which are basically a big white grub considered a delicacy by the Aborigines. The Aborigines cut up some Witchetty grubs and a little boy brought them around on a big wooden plate for the tourists to sample. Everyone did - EVEN AFTER the little Aborigine boy carrying the tray SNEEZED ALL OVER the grubs - the tourists SAW this - and STILL they ate the grubs. Fact is nobody wanted to be rude and decline. The moral to this story - if you're ever carrying around a plate full of grubs for people to eat - and you have to sneeze - it's OKAY to sneeze on the grubs - go ahead - it's fine, really, why sneeze on your sleeve?
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There is a household product in the Monkey's house that gives me the creeps - they're those dishwashing detergent thingys called "Electrasol Gelpacs" - you put them in the detergent cup and close the door. They're scary - I don't trust 'em for a second. Not only do they feel squishy when you touch them - but how do they work? Do they just sort of explode inside the dishwasher - or dissolve? They're scary to the monkey.
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One of the longest nights of my life was when I volunteered foolishly to spend the night out with my 10 year old and his birthday posse of about seven other ten year old kids - outside, in a tent. It went something like this for about FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS:
Kid1: Shhh! Go to SLEEP!
Kid2: "I'm TRYING but you guys keep talking!"
Kid5: "I'm not talking!"
Kid3: "Yes you were - all of you are talking!"
Kid7: "Who farted in here!?"
Kid6: "It doesn't matter - come on, please let's get to sleep!"
Kid1: "That's what I've been saying - everyone shut UP and go to sleep!"
Kid4: "Maybe if you guys would just shut up telling people to shut up everyone WOULD shut up!"
Kid7: "Someone's farting in here! Who is it!?"
Kid2: "I'm going to start smashing people in the face if they don't go to sleep!"
Kid4: "If you smash someone in the face start with yourself!"
Kid2: "Who just said that!? I'll smash YOUR face!"
Kid5: "It doesn't MATTER who said it - GO TO SLEEP - ALL OF YOU - I'm SERIOUS!"
etc. etc. etc. etc.
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "DEATH BY GELPAC" (R) - the true story of the Madison family in a small idaho town called McCall, who in 1998 was brutally attacked and murdered in their sleep - not by a crazed killer, but from a box of 20 Electrasal Gelpacs. Watch in horror as one by one, the blue Gelpacs climb out of the box under the kitchen sink, and roll silently down the dark hallway of the Madison household. You'll scream as the first Gelpac climbs the youngest Madison's bed, and lodges itself into the throat of the first sleeping victim, young Susan Madison. (played by Ashley Olsen) She awakes to find something in her throat, tries to scream, but she can't. At that moment the first Gelpac bursts itself open inside her throat - drowning her in blue deep-cleaning power gel. The movie grows even more horrific from there - you'll be on the edge of your seat. You'll scream, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing DEATH BY GELPAC. (2hrs, 04 min)
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My wife has an evil cat - a cat which I call "Osama Bin-Kitty" - I'm confused about some things - since Osama Bin-Kitty hates me and only loves my wife - why is it that *I* am the one that changes Bin-Kitty's litter box? Why? Shouldn't someone that LOVES HER be changing her litter box? And each time I go to her nasty stinkin' litter box to change it - there's NEVER a tip in there for me - just cat poop. I keep thinking that one day she'll leave at least maybe a five-dollar bill in there as a tip - nothing. CAT POOP is what I get from Osama Bin-Kitty - and no respect...and evil looks.
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I learned something new from my teenaged son today - "ugly" girls can't be called "chicks":
Me: "Hey I saw that Rhonda chick walking down our street today"
Him: "That Rhonda CHICK?"
Me: "Yeah - that's what I said"
Him: "She's not a 'CHICK' - she's ugly - ugly girls can't be called 'CHICKS'
(Heck I didn't know - nobody told ME this before!)
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written in that mysterious and stupid language that spammers use in their emails:
June 24: organization application lies identification available Chinese though subtle
June 23: oldiering overlooks Toscanini unexplored amoebae
June 22: Saturday whistling faulting V*iagra

The monkey is thinking it may be fun to buy one of those really bright orange prison coveralls, and walk around a small town looking really paranoid and scared, or stand along the highway in these orange prison coveralls - with your thumb out.
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I loved my Grandmother - my "nana" - she was SO cool! I was a strange kid - I know, I know, you're having a problem believing that - but it's true. I was. Back when I loved to watch Sesame Street, I always thought it would be cool to live in a garbage can like ol' Grouch. For my birthday I said I wanted a garbage can. My brothers scoffed, my own mother laughed, my aunts laughed at this request. Did my Nana? NO SIR - she high-tailed it to the store, and for my birthday I got - a nice big brand new (used would suck) GARBAGE CAN! I was elated! My Nana died years back - but I have such fond memories of her - and her actually buying me the garbage can is one of the fondest. Thanks Nana! (PS - it turned out to be a bad idea - when I got in the garbage can to play my mean brothers would kick it or turn it over)
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I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.
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Favorite confession of the day from grouphug.us: " This morning, I dropped my sister's hairbrush in the toilet.. I didn't say anything. I just placed it back on the counter and let it dry."
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "BEST FRIENDS" - journey back to childhood as you follow along with the adventures of Timmy and Jack - two 13-year old friends as they share some best-friend time together in their neighborhood tree house - later they're joined by two more best friends in the neighborhood - Lisa and her neighbor Jill. (Warning: may not be suitable for all viewers, contains extreme graphic violence, drug use, adult language and situations, suggestive dialogue, extreme sexual content)
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Stupid people in real life: A drunken ignorant lady I work with got wasted out of her mind at a party - the boss had to drive her to her house. When they got there - in her paranoid drunken mind she didn't think it was her house because she was in the back of the boss's car - she wouldn't get OUT of his car. He didn't want to touch her - he started yelling - "Get your f**ckin' ass out of my CAR!" - in her drunken paranoid crazy mind SHE heard "I'm gonna f**k your ass in my CAR!" Then she was really scared - and to this day she thinks he tried to take her in his car even though there were others THERE as witnesses. Who needs reality shows man? Real life - it's a blast!
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Future Predictions by the Monkey: In the year 2023, a Nintendo Game Cube from 2004 will be worth $7,340.14 to collectors. By the year 2034 no one will eat ANY meat any more - it's just not safe. In the future not only will people stop keeping fish as pets because it will be learned that fish can't be trusted, but it will also be uncovered that Cocker Spaniels had been in cahoots with pet fish. I can't get into WHY or what happens - you have to trust me on this one - if you have pet fish AND Cocker Spaniels - be afraid.

"Blinded by the light wrecked up like a douche" - Manfred Mann "BLINDED BY THE LIGHT (1976)
It's one thing to be blinded by the light - but to be wrecked up like a DOUCHE - that's a whole 'nother story! Actually in reality although these are the lyrics I always HEARD - it's actually "Revved up like a deuce" For years I thought someone was wrecked up like a douche. However THIS line from the same song: " And little Early Burly came by in his curly wurly and asked me if i needed a ride" - what in the name of....I make it a habit NEVER to accept rides from Early Burly's - ESPECIALLY if they're wearing curly wurlys! Don't you!?
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My wife thinks something from some department store - make-up - from Lancombe I believe - is just the greatest stuff - and I like the name - "Juicy Tubes" - what comes to mind with a name like that? Do they do that on purpose? It's some sort of lip gloss stuff she digs. Go figure
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Have you noticed on lots of interviews with someone who stayed sane in prison - they always point out that the very first day they arrived in prison, they found the biggest, meanest looking inmate around and just beat the hell out of him? Wouldn't it suck to be the biggest, meanest inmate around when a whole bus full of "new meat" arrives on the cell-block? I think I'd be big, but I'd be wearing my special satin pink Victoria's Secret lingerie that day and at LEAST not be looking so tough.
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I'm thinking in bedrooms across America guys are saying - "Honey - not ONLY is it good for your skin and complexion, not only is it high in protein, but there's ZERO carbs - yep - you heard me - it's Atkin's friendly!"
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Monkey Movie Idea Of the Day: "STRANDED" (PG-17) the amazing true story of a young boy out hunting in the thick woods of Kentucky in 1977 who became lost. He is alone, scared, and panics. Watch as he fights to survive Grizzly attacks, starvation, frostbite, dehydration, and the bitter cold and ice. He follows a stream for 4 grueling days until finally, near death, he arrives at a highway - civilization at last! With his thumb out and desperate for help, no one will pick him up and he falls near dead into a ditch. Finally he is found by a Cocker Spaniel dog named "Charlie" - who pees on the boy's head and moves on. The young boy manages to pull himself out of the ditch and crawls into the highway - but instead of cars stopping a semi runs over the boy and kills him. (2 hrs, 27 min)
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Do you remember when you could cut out a REAL record off the back of a cereal box, put it on your record-player (Phonograph) - and PLAY IT!? I remember Cap'n Crunch had one - but later when I was a kid - I was down in our home's basement and found some of my older brother's porn mags - and there in the middle of one, ("Swank" I believe it was) - was a "World's Hottest Orgy" record! The magazine had been laying in the dirt and was in very bad shape - but I just HAD to know if the record played and what was on it. I took it out, and, when my parents were away one day - I finally got to play it - it WORKED! It was lame as HELL - with girls reading off scripted lines - "Oh YES baby give it to me - oh yeah - you too baby - all of you!" - and a lot of fake moans and groans. But I thought that was quite the adventure playing that old porno record!
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Blogs I'd like to see: "Ghost Blog" - A blog written by a ghost in a haunted old deserted house
June 21: Scared the dog poop out of a young kid walking down the sidewalk today - all I did was stand in the upstairs window! What a buffoon
June 20: Threw around some chairs up in the attic
June 19: Around midnight I screamed as loud as I could - saw lights all over the neighborhood come on - and people peeking out their windows and looking over this way
June 18: Couldn't sleep well today - took some chains from the basement and drug them up and down the stairs until I got sleepy.
June 17: Practiced moving tables - it's hard work - but it's what people expect from ghosts every now and again and I'm here to serve
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People I'd like to pimp-slap: People that leave IRONING BOARDS set up around the house - and as if that's not bad enough - start to use it as a TABLE - putting books and papers and movies and JUNK on top of it! Arrrghh!
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "YOUR Day" - Imagine that once in your lifetime there is one day set aside - a day YOU pick - and on that day, all your friends and family come together, all the neighborhood - childhood friends, old teachers, EVERYONE that's known you or knows you - and they celebrate - YOU! From sun up to sun down it's all about YOU - there is a parade, presents, there are marching bands, huge feasts, and it's all to celebrate YOU. This isn't like a birthday - a yearly small celebration because you lived another year - no, this is a celebration by EVERYONE and you only get ONE a lifetime. This isn't like a funeral either - where AFTER you're gone people get up to say nice things. "YOUR Day" is the most special and wonderful event in a person's lifetime, SO special that you only get one of these. There is an microphone - and anyone can come up to the podium and tell how much they love you and how great you are. It's YOUR DAY!

Kraftmatic adjustable beds - can these be used for all sorts of fun and exciting devious sex acts and positions? Can anyone vouch for this? I see the ads and I'm thinking there could be some good use for these beds!
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Blogs I'd like to see: "The most exciting blog in the world" - a blog written by a guy who has the most exciting life you can think of - NEVER a dull moment, he lives out our fantasies on a daily basis!:
June 20, 2004: Discovered OIL in my back yard today - yep - black gold...Texas Tea
June 21, 2004: Won the Indianapolis 500 today!
June 22, 2004: Picked up 3 bi-sexual babes at the grocery store and and we had 7.5 hours of fun together in my bed, later in the evening won the 5 million dollar lottery.
June 23, 2004: Set a few Guinness world records today, also bunji-jumped.
June 24, 2004: Traveled to Europe today to see some sites
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My son has some strange boxers - but today I saw in his dirty laundry (also called his bedroom floor) CAMOUFLAGED boxers - WHY would you need them? Hunting? If so - there MAY be a problem!
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I've heard someone wake up a guy by saying "Wakey wakey - hands off snakey!" - but this morning I heard a kids' cleaner version - a friend of my sons was over - and he says "Wakey Wakey - eggs and bakey!" (bacon) I like that!
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Today on Father's Day - I was thinking there should be two purposes to Father's Day - 1) To show our gratitude and love to our fathers who are there for us, and B) to go out, hunt down and pimp-slap Fathers who have turned their heartless backs on their children, or who haven't bothered to ever check on them, to pay child support, etc. So Father's Day should be a day filled with not only the sounds of hugs and kisses and thank you's, but with the sound of pimp-slapping ringing out across the country.
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Wacky Monkey Invention of the Day: The Monkey Anti-Porn-Surfing keyboard. (MAPSK) - this keyboard will detect when someone is typing with only one hand (You can change the settings for left or right-handers) - when one-handed typing is detected, the computer will sound an voice-alarm "ALERT! Someone is wanking! ALERT! Someone is wanking!" and shut itself down.
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It is tradition and lawful to bury a person six feet under - but when I die I'm going to have a special request - just to be different and to be a pain in the butt to the very end - I'm going to ask to be buried 96 feet, 8 inches under the ground.
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My dear Mother-In-Law cooked up a roast for dinner tonight for Father's Day- I was cutting it up and noticed some sort of paper bags of some sort in the crock pot. I ate tons of it because I lift weights and eat tons of protein. Later - stomach ache. I asked my wife - "What were the paper bags in the crock pot? Were they supposed to be there?" She tells me NO - those were most likely those little moisture packages you're not supposed to eat, let alone COOK with the meat! Thanks Mother-In-Law - If I die tonight in my sleep you people will know why and come and seek vengeance for the death of your Monkey - right?
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Monkey Movie Idea Of The Day: "Snooze Master" (PG-17) - The true and touching story of Mike Albertson - the Phoenix man who in 1997 set the world's record for hitting his snooze button - in 1997 he hit the (5 minute) snooze button a total of 97 times, and in the process lost his job and his wife left him during this 8 hour snooze-fest. (1 hr, 4 min)
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Monkey future predictions: In 2007 a special pager will be invented that notifies a man when all conditions are right for him to have sex with his wife- (i.e. she doesn't want foreplay, there's no ulterior motives, just get in there - NOW!) Many men check the batteries on the special pagers often, thinking they're broken. They're not. The pager is discontinued three months after going into production. In 2014 it is discovered that Leonardo DaVinci did NOT paint the Mona Lisa after all. In 2009 most US and Canadian companies adopt a controversial "have the baby - get back to work" program (HBGBW) - in which company doctors deliver babies at woman employee's desks and no one has to miss any time for work to have a baby.

Wouldn't it be great to walk up and slap the living hell out of someone and scream in their face - "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" When they get upset and confused you just say - "You were WAY out of control man - what's wrong with you!?"
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Wonderbread - when I was a kid - I admit it - we ATE it - we actually ATE Wonderbread - I told my wife when I was a kid I ate Wonderbread - she still married me - I always dug the packaging on Wonderbread - with the big polka-dots.
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Monkey's favorite confession from grouphug.us: "today at work, i cut a smiley face into the side of a box, placed it on my head, and did my imitation of "the robot". everyone laughed, then i turned around and my manager was standing there, watching the whole thing. i laughed it off, but i was scared deep down inside."
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Women - who can understand them - my wife doesn't like it when I call her "my crack ho" - go figure - I'm only trying to be romantic.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: The guy or gal at Starbucks who decided to make their Frappuuccino bottled drinks they sell in stores about the size of a thimble - some on - how 'bout a little more than that!?
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Monkey Future Predictions: In the future, people will SMOKE coffee instead of drinking it - you simply fire up a coffee cigarette and you're good for the morning. In the future, there will be a baby born in central Delaware that is a super-genius - talking the minute he is born, publishing scientific papers at two years old that shake up the physics world - but this boy will be struck down in the streets of Dover by a stoned Pizza-Hut delivery driver and he dies in the hospital at the age of four. There will be a fad in 2008 in which we find women wearing octopus tentacles as thongs and tops - "octopus swimsuits" will be all the rage until women start getting attacked by other sea creatures on America's beaches.
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I don't know much about the female reproductive system (other than it's great fun for everyone!), but I've always dreamed of making a documentary on birth and the womb - just so I could call it "The Living Womb"
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MOST guys who wear Speedos shouldn't be wearing Speedos
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How come dogs decide to do that butt-dragging thing on the carpet only when there's company around?
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"Company Loyalty" is a thing of the past - back when our Grandparents worked - they were actually PART of a company - and could do 20-30 years at a company - nowadays companies are a joke - swapping around CEO's - laying people off, hiring foreigners to take our place, companies merging and buying each other out - it's just a big board game and we workers, especially the guys and gals stuck in cubes - are the pawns - but yet they ask us to be serious about our company and show pride and loyalty - and they do this with a straight face.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: DOWN SLIDE (PG-17) - A penguin named "Crystal" in Antarctica looses her balance and slips down a rather steep and slippery embankment. Watch as she slides to the icy bottom, dodging seals, rocks, other penguins. (2 hrs, 24 min) "A moving story" says Siskel & Ebert. "Chilling" says the Washington Post.
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Why are the cases we store CD's in called "Jewel Cases" anyway? Who's brilliant idea? Someone's got some explaining to do - they have nothing to do with jewels.
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I was never a huge wrestling fan for long - but when I was a kid I enjoyed it for a bit - I always rooted for the wrestlers who ALWAYS lost - the ones that never got the glory and were only there to get whupped on. One of my favorites was "Rufus R. "Freight Train" Jones" I googled him the other day just to see what happened to him - he DIED man! That's right - he DIED when he was 60 back in 1993! I guess this wouldn't exactly make Headline News - but damn - Rufus was cool! Bye "Rufus R. "Freight Train" Jones"! If I ever have another son I will name him "Freight Train" in your honor Rufus!

People I want to pimp-slap: Those people that, upon leaving a resteraunt, grab a whole handful of the mints on the way out - do they realize what's IN those!?
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: DEATH FROM ABOVE (PG-17) A mute man in New York City climbs a tree to get away from the crowds. His foot gets stuck between two branches and he is trapped. He cannot yell for help - he is a mute - he cannot get any of the thousands of pedestrians below him to look up - he slowly dies while below him the people walk - oblivious. (2 hrs 14 min)
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Family Tradition: In my house here's how it works - my wife and I say "TONIGHT we're gonna sit down and pay those bills!" - that night we don't - the next morning "We've GOT to sit down after work and pay those bills!" - that night - TV and computer. The next morning - "No matter WHAT we're paying bills tonight!" - that night - we watch a movie. The next morning, we say....
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Time honored men traditions: It is a tradition that when fellows are working and a guy can't get something in a hole - be it a screw that won't sit right, or just anything that must go in a hole and it won't work - it is tradition for one of the guys present or watching to say "Need some hair around that hole to help you?" Yep - it MUST be said - every time.
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The Chinese are getting to me - I love 'em - all 50 billion of them - but when they build things and expect me to follow their instructions we butt heads. I'm doing my best to put together this shed I got from Home Depot - and it's been fine so far - I have followed the instructions TO THE LETTER - but today the Chinese had me putting nuts on bolts where not many big AMERICAN human hands would even FIT! It being next to impossible I tore my teenaged son away from his Game Cube - "Come help me with something - it's SUPER easy" (It's almost impossible - but I like to see how he reacts to situations - builds character) - I gave him the nuts - "Just throw these onto those bolts over there - it's a tight squeeze - but it's really easy". I went to working on something else. He's not allowed to all-out CUSS without getting into trouble, but around me anyway he can push the envelope with his own style of cussing. I could hear a nut fall on the ground and he'd yell "PENIS!" - and then a few seconds later, he'd drop the nut trying to get it again and I'd hear "MONKEY BALLS!" - followed by "PENIS!", etc. I chuckled about it - but not where he could hear me.
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Crazy Monkey Invention Of the Day: "Monkey's Fast-Food Tables" (MFFT's) - these table tops are designed to be used in fast-food establishments - instead of normal designs, these table-top designs feature spilled ketchup, drops of mustard, bits of onions, little specks of salt and pepper, dirt, etc. The table looks trashed in the first place, so customers will be fooled into thinking - "Oh -it's all part of the design" - this way your employees can concentrate on more important things than cleaning tables after each patron!
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When I was a youngster my parents were auction freaks - we went to the auction every Friday night - whether we wanted to or not. A lot of the auction was selling GUNS - yep - GUNS - "ahh Monkey" I hear you say "That's illegal isn't it!?" - yes it is - so what they'd do was sell a little book of MATCHES - and the highest bidder ALSO got the gun(s)- they come FREE with the matches. Goes to show there's a way around about everything isn't there?

I have a special answering machine in my house - here's how it works - the phone rings, this special answering machine picks it up and takes a message - it's never written down - oh no - the message is then lost either FOREVER and never gets to me - or magically three days later I get the message. This special answering machine is called a teenaged son. You should get one if you don't already have one! They're loads of fun! A barrel of monkeys they are! What? Don't have one - here - have mine!
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey Layoff Building Design System (MLBDS) - One of the worse parts of being laid off is having to be seen gathering up your belongings from your desk and being walked to the door - (often with security) With the MLBDS - each cubicle's floor is configured like a trap door. Now corporate big-wigs can simply enter your cube number on a main console (example - D7) - and the poor sucker in D7's floor opens up like a trap door and he's dropped through it and lands in the basement on his or her head.
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I learned as a horny kid that there's good juicy sex stuff on any parent's bookshelf - almost every novel out there has SOME kind of sex-scene in it - it's just a matter of knowing how to find it. And there's ALWAYS boobs to be seen in your Grandmother's National Geographic magazine too - sure they may be saggy, dirty, and have tribal paint on 'em - but boobs is boobs right?!
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When you leave a restaurant, do you ever grab a HANDFUL of the mints in the bowl as you leave? Do you grab only one? Or do you not take any of them? I admit - I grab a handful - much to my wife's dismay - I think it embarrasses her for some reason.
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Moon-Beam Productions" - An ultra-powerful laser sends beams of laser light to the MOON. Yep - it was only a matter of time before you looked up and saw "DRINK COCA-COLA" or a Viagra ad on the face of the moon - right? Now to get on your very LAST nerve, Monkey Laboratories of Menlo Park has created moon advertising. It ought to be illegal! Your ad will be seen by BILLIONS around the world each night.
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Things I miss about living in the south: In the South - we don't PUSH buttons - no sir - we MASH them - that's right - you don't push elevator buttons - you mash 'em - you don't push the enter key on your computer - you MASH it!
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Crazy Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "MAKE A WISH" (G) - This family movie tells the uplifting and inspirational story of an inner-city Chicago crack-whore (played by Barbra Streisand) who is nearly beaten to death with a tire iron by a crazed meth addict (skillfully portrayed by Paul Reubens of Pee Wee Herman fame) in a 7-11 parking lot after she performs oral sex on him behind the dumpster for crack money. When doctors give her a matter of only days to live because of her massive head injuries, she calls in the Make A Wish Foundation - her wish request - just one more $20 rock!. "Uplifting, inspirational and encouraging" says the Christian Film & Television Commission ministry.
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As a horny child I was a huge fan of a kids' show called "The New Zoo Revue" - why? Because of "Emmy Jo" - she wore "go-go boots" and mini-skirts - GO GO BOOTS - yeahhhhhhhh! Do you know what that lady did to the Monkey as a child with her boots!? She walked all over my heart she did!
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I used to go out for smoke breaks back when I smoked - with these two old fellows from work that never failed to have something amusing to talk about. Except for one day one says to the other - "Did you hear that ol' Carl got diagnosed with ball cancer?" I nearly choked on my cigarette - I've never heard anyone call it "BALL CANCER" - that makes it sound so....so terrible!!! Testicular cancer is one thing - but BALL cancer - yikes - give me testicular cancer over BALL CANCER any ol' day!!

I once went to a small-town circus in Texas and there was a cardboard sign posted at the entrance - "Bongo the monkey sick - no monkey show today" - that's what it said.

There's no monkey show here either.

I had spoken about my dearest dog suffering from Degenerative Disc Disease.

He did not respond to the meds he was given for very long, and at 14 years old surgery would be almost out of the question.

I cannot watch my dear friend of so many years suffer - yesterday he went downhill very quickly, and his poor little short Corgi legs wouldn't even work, he would try to come to me and fall and yelp in pain.

I refuse to watch such a dear friend suffer like that. We live in a wacky world where people, humans, are allowed to suffer miserably - and legally we can't help them, but when our pets suffer we CAN legally do the humane, decent, kind, and RIGHT thing and end their suffering in a peaceful and dignified manner.

My little friend who's been by his Daddys side even longer than my wife and kids, my dear little friend was put to sleep this evening. He went peacefully by injection, wrapped in a towel in the vet's office and surrounded by his family to hold him and love him and kiss him to the very end. I held his little head and told him I love him and I thanked him for bringing 14 years of joy and love to me, my family, and all that knew him. I kissed his little nose for the last time and he died.

It's hard to write this, and yes, even silly monkeys that put out silly blogs filled with craziness and fun - can cry.

I'll be back soon enough - and if I don't respond to comments as I usually do I hope you understand. And while I'm stepping out from the usual Monkey blogginess today let me also say thank you - my readers - for always coming to the cage and for having fun here. I was suprised to check my blog rating the other day and found it was rated a 9.9 - thank you. I love all of you.

Take care and see you soon friends.

Your faithful Monkey.

People I want to pimp-slap: Whoever it is - (in my own house!) that leaves the kitchen sink sponge laying in the sink, cold, soaked, and nasty. I WILL find you - and heads will roll.
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Song thoughts: "Ricky don't lose that number, You don't have to call nobody else. Send it off in a letter to yourself" (Steely Dan) - What if Ricky does send it off in a letter to himself, but then misplaces the letter!? What THEN smarty-britches!?
"Making love in the afternoon with cecilia
Up in my bedroom
I got up to wash my face
When I come back to bed
Someone’s taken my place" - Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel
That's the kind of making love the Monkey likes - the kind where your face gets messy. I'm not so sure I would like someone taking my place when I got back to it - but I'm sure Cecilia's not complaining
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Crazy Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: LONG HOT NIGHT (R) When Ralph brings home a beautiful young woman from a night club he ends up with more than he bargained for. They arrive at her apartment where she talks him into a little light bondage and handcuffs him to the bed. No sooner do the cuffs snap in place when she reveals her true identity - an Amway representative. She then proceeds to torture Ralph in agonizing ways for the entire night: the Amway lectures, she draws the charts on a whiteboard, a two-hour Amway presentation and she even has videos. The movie becomes graphic at times with Ralph trying to chew his own arms off to escape and she beats him on the head with an Amway E-84 countertop water filter. (Based on a true story 1 hr 20 minutes)
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I love my wife very much - she's so special and beautiful to me. One thing she does that I really like - if I'm babbling about some geeky thing that she could care less about (String Theory, PERL Programming, UNIX, etc) - she will come up to me and grab me and hug me and give me a big kiss - she'll then look into my geek eyes and say "Honey - I really love you VERY much - but I really am not interested" I always thought that was a cool way of telling someone to shut up.
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Blogs I'd like to see: I'd like to see a blog written by a guy that feeds his fish every morning:
June 13, 08:27AM: Fed the fish
June 12, 08:25AM: Fed the fish
June 11, 08:20AM: Fed the fish
June 10, 11:20AM: Slept in - but fed the fish
June 09, 08:23AM: Fed the fish
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Shower Temp Alert Device" (MSTAD) With the MSTAD, no more turning on your shower in the morning and sticking your hand in there to see if the water temp is hot enough to where you can get in yet - this device rings a bell when the temperature is what it's supposed to be. (Not suitable for the hearing-impaired, contains small parts that may be a choking hazard to infants - one per family please)
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My wife bought the monkey a huge bag of bird feed - because I love feeding the birds - but she accidently bought me a huge bag of SUNFLOWER SEEDS - which is fine for some birds - but not all - I put some out in the feeder and I peek out at the birds - I swear a minute ago I saw a little sparrow looking at the sunflower seeds - then he looked up at the window where I was and I could've sworn I saw him say "What the **ck is this *h*t man put down the (#@ crack pipe you ignorant fool I can't eat this *#@# sh*t!"
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I once had a kitten that I loved - and she loved me - but she had a VERY annoying habit - she would slip under my covers, find one of my nipples ( I have two) - and BITE! It's ONE way to wake up in the morning - but probably not the way I would choose if I had my drothers
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When I was a kid - I was on the "School Lunch Program" - I never gave it much thought then - my family was poor and somehow we had free school lunches - we were issued a little white card we kept in our pockets or wallets - and when we got our lunch a lady would punch a hole in our card for that day - when the card was filled we'd get a new one. What I think about NOW is that there was a second line in my Jr. High School - there was a "paying line" - and a "Free Lunch line" - but again I never gave it much thought - but thinking about it NOW - years later - did we free-lunch kids really have to be in a separate line? I'll bet there's not anymore.
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Also when I was a kid afros were big, literally, and there was Afro Sheen all over everything, on doorknobs, on the backs of chairs, everywhere. I don't miss Afro-Sheen.
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Silly Monkey Invention of the day: Monkey Breath-controlled computers (MBCC) - this computer works through breath detection sensors on your monitor - blow to the top right corner of your monitor's screen and close an application, blow to the top left corner of your monitor and open your hard drive. A blow from the bottom of your monitor screen to the top turns up the volume, a downward blow turns it down. A blow to the bottom left-hand corner of your monitor empties your trash, a blow to the bottom right-hand corner of your monitor screen crashes your machine (I'm still working on that one)

"urinal cakes" - could there be anything more interesting!? Do you know people COLLECT urinal cakes? And don't think because they're called "cakes" you can eat one - you cannot!
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"I blew out my flip flop, Stepped on a pop top; Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home." - Jimmy Buffet - Margaritaville. I always thought Jimmy was saying "Stepped on a pop-tart" - that'd be pretty icky wouldn't it? One of those strawberry pop-tarts? It COULD happen, but I don't think a pop-tart would really cut your heel and make you cruise on back home, or could it?
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When we sleep - what are those dream things we have? They're our minds' screen savers - we can't have our minds idle for that long - so in x amount of minutes dreams kick in and continue until we move our mouse (wake up)
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I noticed a bottle of hand lotion that I thought was my wife's - it's in my teenaged son's bathroom on the counter by the toilet. Can someone explain this? Does he have dry skin? Poor guy!
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Crazy Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Bubbles" (G) (A Disney film) The scene is a bathtub in which a suicidal, overweight, depressed, hairy and heavily-tattooed man lays in a bubble bath. He has taken an overdose of tranquilizers, and as he begins to drift towards sleep and death, his thoughts turn to how no one has ever loved him in his whole miserable life. As his big, fat body starts to slip downward into the water, his German Shepherd dog Axel enters the bathroom, and pees on the man's head. The movie ends with the fat man going under the water, drowning, and we see yellow-colored dog-pee soap bubbles. This family movie is geared towards the younger pre-teen crowd, however the young and old alike will enjoy this touching movie (1 hr 32 min)
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: Guys that think when they shake hands they're supposed to squeeze as hard as they can, trying to break it, and pound your hand up and down. To me this is insecurity and stupid. A FIRM handshake is fine, a bone-crushing handshake is just silly and a sign of a small penis - these guys probably drive huge pick-up trucks, have huge Rottweilers with spiked collars, and they collect guns.
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Crazy Monkey Invention of the Day: Monkey Dissolving Newspapers (MDN) - no more filling up your garbage cans with old newspapers, when you have finished a newspaper simply throw it on the floor or anywhere else - in 2 days, 12 hours and 14 minutes the newspaper will dissolve into thin air. (Warning: May cause trouble with scrap books and wedding albums)
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The family was speaking of last Wills tonight - I said I wasn't going to leave money or belongings to them, instead I was going to leave CHORES for everyone in my Will - example: "My dear son, I love you, please vacuum the living room, to my dear son #2, please clean the dog water bowl and sweep my garage, to my dearest wife - would you please wash the car?" etc. And then my son says "I'm going to call my Will my 'last will and TESTICLE instead of Lsat Will and Testament'" What!? Why does he always have to be SILLY when we're having a serious conversation!?
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Monkey predictions: In the future there will be amazing pills that we take to change our lives and bodies; "Smaller butt pills", "bigger boob pills", "More intelligence pills". People will drive cars that are the size of bicycles and go 170 mph, Dogs and cats both will be able to communicate with us in our own language through software and electrodes, our dogs will even be able to send us emails. It will be discovered that fish in aquariums cannot be trusted and nobody will keep them anymore. Mirrors as we know them will cease to exist - replaced by something you've never seen before and I can't describe.

Silly Monkey Movie Idea Of the Day: "The Tick Journey" (PG-17) - travel along with an animated tick as he crosses a dog's back in search of his mother and father in this wonderful Monkey-Productions movie. With stunning 3D graphics that will make Shrek and Bug's Life look like amateur work, this animated adventure movie will have you on the edge of your seat and cheering for our tick hero as he meets and battles fleas, tweezers, dog claws, and more on his search for love and family.
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I'm such a computer addict that it's hard for me to turn it off even during thunderstorms - those around me in the house at the first sign of lightening start turning off TV's, toasters, unplugging other computers, not the Monkey. My rule is - if I see lightening IN my room - not just a bolt coming through the roof, but actually IN the computer room - then I'll shut it down - but for no more than 20 seconds
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I'm supposed to give my dog a pill every 8 hours - the poor thing (not him - me) - at first I put the pill in his mouth and he spit it back out at me - "Pa-tooie!" - so I put it further back on his tongue and held his mouth shut, when I let go of his mouth the pill came flying out and nearly took my eye out - "Pa-tooie"! I then held his mouth WAY open and stuck my hand way back down in his throat with the pill - pa-tooie! I finally got him to keep it down - I take the pill and put my hand back into his throat and almost down in his stomach - I lay it there at the bottom of his stomach on a little ledge there and then pull my arm back out quickly - PA-TOOIE! Finally I just wrapped the pill in some ham and he swallowed it in 0043 of a second. WHY didn't I do that in the first place!?
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If you changed "girl" to "guy" in the Eagle's "Take It Easy" song - it'd take on a whole new hooker type slant wouldn't it!?:

"Well I'm standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona
And such a fine sight to see
It's a guy, my lord, in a flatbed Ford
Slowing down to take a look at me
Come on baby, don't say maybe"
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I've somehow acquired an annoying habit (says my wife) - of when I'm watching TV and I see a lady with big, nice boobs I say "Boobs!" - and she tells me - "I'm NOT a guy okay!? I don't CARE" Somehow now my teenaged son has picked up this habit - and so when we watch TV with my wife and we see a nice set we BOTH say "Boobs!" It's become quite fun (for two of us at least)
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Silly Monkey Game Idea Of the Day: "SimFish" - you simply catch a fish, and place this small cheap transmitter on him (velcro provided) - you then release your fish back into the ocean/pond/lake/stream/river/sewer and let the fun begin! Log onto www.simfish.com and enter your transmitter code (provided with SimFish package and transmitter) - now the fun begins - you will be able to watch your fish and track him on a realtime 3d map - you can zoom in on his location, you can zoom out and see other fish that are wired for SimFish Simulation - onscreen web maps also will show you the age of your fish, his or her depth, temperature, etc. If your SimFish is eaten by another bigger fish - have no fear - the transmitter will still work.

People I want to pimp-slap: The guy that decided to make the directions on medicines teeny-tiny to the point where you can barely read them. Bring this guy to me please - dead or alive he will be pimp-slapped.
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Wacky Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Dead Sounds Machine" (MDSM) - plant this FM broadcaster listening device in your loved one's coffin, tune the listening device to the appropriate frequency, and you and your family can actually HEAR what is going on in Grandma's coffin! What was that? A coffin board cracking? What was that? Could it be some insect has gotten in there and is nibbling? What's that? Was that gas escaping from the body? With the MDSM you and your family can have hours of interesting fun! (Actual coffin noise results may vary - batteries not included)
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Big jim’s been drinkin’ whiskey
And playing poker on a losin’ night
Pretty soon, big jim starts a thinkin’
Somebody been cheatin’ and lyin’
So big jim commences to fightin’
I wouldn’t tell you no lie
And big jim done grab his pistol
Shot his friend right between the eyes

- Lynyrd Skynyrd "Saturday Night Special"

I'm thinking that this was 1975 when Lynyrd Skynyrd sang about this - and I'm thinking "Big Jim" is already LONG out of prison for shooting his friend right between the eyes, perhaps he served 10-12 years with parole - he probably has new friends by now to play poker with, and hopefully they don't cheat and lie.
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Wacky Monkey Invention of the Day (2): Monkey's Flag Machine (MFM) - this software/hardware package will take care of your flag needs. Connecting up to your local weather, the software will send a signal to raise your flag up the flag pole when the sun comes up, take it down neatly when the sun goes down, pull the flag in when the weather is bad, and automatically lower your flag to half-mast on official half-mast days.
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When we boys are little a lot of us are made to lower our pants all the way down to the floor before going to pee. I'm thinking I may start doing that again - it will surely be a hit in public bathrooms to have me standing at the urinal with my pants around my ankles.
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Take a gander at a nice blog: Hi, I'm Steve, and I am a Sex Addict I like his style - Steve is fun to read. (adult content)
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Wacky Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Stuck" (PG-17) - when Charlie the Professor discovers a potion that makes him invisible, the first place he goes is to the local high school - to the girl's locker room. He enjoys being a pervert all day long, invisible to the girls. Soon school is out however, and when the janitor locks up the locker room the professor is locked in - not realizing school is out for the summer! Lack of water and food get the best of our invisible pervert professor, and he dies an agonizing death, alone, invisible, and on the floor of a locker room. (3 hrs, 10 min)
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Do you remember "Grade Books" in school? Before teachers used computers on their desks, they had a black book they called a "grade book" - and that ONE book had everyone's grades in it.

When I need to use the dryer in my house - and there are someone's clothes in them, I either A) get the person so they can come get their clothes, or B) I fold their clothes and put them up on top of the dryer. (Usually I do this) - however I have noted SOMEONE in my family, upon finding the monkey's clothes in the dryer, toss them up on top of the dryer - not folded - all balled up and messy. There are two ways I could handle this - it could be WAR - and I could start returning the wrinkled up clothes favor to this person - or I could continue to be a good monkey and fold their clothes when I find them in there...
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Speaking of clothes dryers - when I was in the US Navy and in he barracks and needed a dryer - there was nothing better than to find a girl's clothes in there. I'd fold the unknown girl's clothes neatly - taking extra care and attention to those wonderful panties.
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Must be nice to sit around in Nigeria and make up scam emails huh? What a living!
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day : STALK CITY (PG-17) - the touching story of a divorced man who although he remarries, he is still obsessed with his ex-wife, and spends a lot of his time stalking her to see who she is with and what she is doing. This man's NEW wife becomes suspicious of all the time he is out - so she begins to stalk him also. Often she is parked a few blocks away spying on him while he is parked stalking his ex-wife. Soon the man's new wife's ex-boyfriend begins to stalk HER also - and he finds she is stalking a man who is stalking a woman. He can't keep up with all this and hires a private investigator to stalk the man she is stalking. Soon the original ex-husband is suspicious of being followed, and discovers he's being stalked. He starts stalking the detective. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never feel safe again when you're out stalking your ex after seeing STALK CITY. (1 hour 20 min)
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Monkey Prediction: In the future, when we tell someone we had DSL speeds, they'll bust out laughing 'till they stop. And then if we tell them that years before we actually connected up to BBS's with 2400 baud modems they'll bust out laughing so hard it will literally kill them.
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Wacky Monkey Invention of the Day: "FishBot" - simply pour a can of worms into a compartment on the fishbot, take him down to the river, lake, or sea shore, and sit back and crack open the beers, OR go home - FishBot will fish for you, reel 'em in, clean 'em and skin 'em - you set how many fish you want it to catch and minimum weights, and the FishBot will call your cell or house phone and let you know when he's done - simply go pick him up - the fish will be stored in another compartment within FishBot - drive over, and throw him in your truck or car and go home. (Fishing License sold separately)
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A friend, when he hears "Would you like some ___ with that?" while ordering fast food has a habit of saying "If they're free" Is that corny or what?
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I think it's a good idea in drive-thru's after your final order to tell them - "This order is to go" I think deep down inside they like that

Dumpsters aren't the prettiest things in the world are they!? They usually stink, they have big stains on the sides where people spilled garbage down the sides of them, they usually need paint, they're just in general ugly. But can you imagine if you were totally lost in the desert, the sun just burning you alive, and in the middle of the desert you saw an old ratty dumpster? Oh man wouldn't it be your friend then!? Wouldn't you turn it on it's side or even upside down and dig a door tunnel into it - and wouldn't you just LOVE to have that dumpster out there?
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "FIRST PLACE LAMB" (R*) - the touching story of a little Kansas girl raising a baby lamb to compete in the upcoming 4H contest at her elementary school. (2 hrs 40 min - * Contains extreme violence, graphic sexual content, nude scenes, adult language, content and situations)
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A sailor I was roommates with in the Navy was a loser in a lot of ways - he'd snort coke so much I started calling him "Hoover" - and he'd drink Bacardi from the time he got out of bed until he passed out at night again. He hated gays with a passion, and when really drunk he'd stand outside the gay bars and harass people as they left. One morning he woke up moaning and still drunk, (like every morning) and he called to me - I went over to his side of the room and this crazy fool had been grazed by about three bullets - and his sheets were all bloody and sticking to his legs - I helped him get the sheets pulled from his legs and you could actually see lines where 3 bullets had grazed him. Sure enough it happened at a gay bar - some gay wasn't in the mood, pulled a gun and started blasting. My drunken fool roommate ran and that's when he was grazed. What a fool. I found out later this guy, my roommate, actually contracted AIDS.
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Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written in invisible ink. It would look something like this:
June 04, 2004:

Comments(0) Trackback (0)

June 03, 2004:

Comments(0) Trackback(0)
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Don't you love it when someone (usually in your family) is buying a computer, and they know very little about them but enough to be dangerous - and they want to tell you about their new big bad machine? I heard this from a relative "Oh man my new computer is going to be nice - "It's runs at 16 ghz speed, and has a 40 megabyte hard drive!" (I'm thinking - DAMN - with that kind of speed - it WILL be fast - that's for sure - but I might call Gateway and tell them not to be so stingy with the hard drives?
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Actual conversation I had at a little convenience store in my previous neighborhood with a young cashier, who I don't even know:
Me: "How are you?"
Cashier: "Dude....I got SO f*cked up last night man"
Me: "Oh yeah?" (it's the only answer I could give - what else can I say to this!?)
Cashier: "I was SO wasted!"
Me: "Wow"
Cashier: "I was like, gonna just go home and crash after this shift, but my friend called and goes 'let's go party!'"
Me: "gosh so what are you gonna do?"
Cashier: "Well I go, "Dude I'm THERE! So after I get off work I'm probably gonna get F*CKED up again man!"
Me: "Oh okay - well have fun"
THIS is why some people DO NOT ask strangers "How are you?"
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Update on my wife's torturous Clay Aikens CD - bad news: today coming home from work she spilled an entire Coke in her car, ruining a lot of things in her center console. Worse news: Her Gay Aikens CD was undamaged
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One great thing about the kids now having baggy pants that hang way down - when THEY have kids they can pull the "We were SO poor in MY day I had to wear pants that didn't fit me and would fall down - we couldn't even afford a rope to use as a belt!" - and they can show their kids pictures.

Have you seen the new toilet cleaner brushes that come on a stick, and when you're finished cleaning the toilet you eject the brush off of it, and flush the used brush down the toilet? I'm thinking why not hire someone to come clean our ENTIRE house and then when they're done eject him/her off the side of a cliff.
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I am tired of the same old, tiring fortune cookie messages. I think those Chinese need to come up with something more original - they've been dishing out the same tired fortunes for years and years now. I'm thinking of starting "Monkey's Fortune Cookies" - with some exciting new ones:
"Your wife is sleeping with your friend Mike" (That's GOT to hit home with a few people out of millions right? Odds are it will blow SOME guy's mind)
"You're right about suspecting your husband and that girl from his work cheating" (Again that will be VERY accurate for SOME wife out there!)
"You are going to die in a horrrible car crash on the way home from this fine Chinese Food establishment"
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People I want to pimp-slap - whoever it is, in MY own house, (probably one of these kid monsters) who leaves AA batteries laying around - on tables, on the floor - they all deny it, but someone's fibbing. Everything those kids love uses AA batteries - all their games, walkmans, CD players. Is the battery good? Is it dead? What does this mean? I WILL find this mysterious battery fairy and we will go 'round and 'round! It's almost as bad as finding an unmarked CD-R on the computer desk - is it defective? What's on it? Software? Music? WHY is it laying around?
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I did some stupid and wild things as a kid - but the one thing I regret more than any other, the one thing that makes me feel terrible, above the stealing, the drugs, drinking, etc - was throwing things at cars. That's just WRONG - I can't even begin to imagine how angry I'd be today if some teenaged punk chucked a rock at my car! To top it all off, one Summer at Myrtle Beach, SC - my brothers and I found a SEA CREATURE of some sort - a round, ball-like, pulsating LIVING sea critter, and threw it at a windshield of a passing car. It didn't beak the windshield, but the sea creature splattered all over the window. How wrong is that!? VERY!! If I could apologize to that driver and to that sea critter's family right now - I would.
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One of my dogs is black, and she also has a very bad habit of laying in the middle of walkways - at night in a dark room this has caused more than a few people to slip over her. One morning I got up for work and made my way through my dark bedroom to the bathroom. (I get up before my wife and dare not turn on a light) - I WISH that I'd tripped over this dog - instead my big toe went INTO her butt - YIKES - I felt it! It was the weirdest and nastiest feeling first thing in the morning - she yelped (I think I did too!) but dammit that's what she gets laying in the way all the time! I wonder if she thinks I did that on purpose!?
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Silly Monkey Invention idea of the Day: Monkey Movie Theater (MMT) Press a button your armrest for what you need to eat - it will come up through a small quiet chute in front of you - popcorn, drinks, candy, etc, no more spending 5 minutes in line during a movie, no more stepping on 10 people's toes trying to get out and disturbing everyone. You're charged on a special movie-credit card - no paying at the theater - you'll get the bill in a few days, enjoy the movie. A future enhancement to the MMT is a button you push and your entire seat is lowered quietly down a level, where there's a bathroom. When done, get back in your seat and press the button again and be raised back up to the movie, disturbing no one.
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Different words mean different things in different countries. Once while flying to Australia, my young baby girl was crying up a storm, my wife was sleeping and it was my time to watch the baby on the long flight. An Australian flight attendant came down the aisle and asked me - "Do you want me to nurse your baby?
"Ummm" I said "Nurse my baby?"
"Sure" she said.
Now in MY country of America "nurse" means BREAST FEED the baby - so I was really shocked. I had to wake my wife on this one, this was an emergency - I nudged her.
"Honey...this nice lady would like to NURSE our baby" I told her. She was as shocked as I was.
"It's okay" said the flight attendant - "I have a baby of my own at home"
Finally my wife said to the flight attendant "You mean - HOLD our baby?"
"Well.....yes!!" said the flight attendant, confused.
So we gave the baby to her and she walked up and down the aisle until the baby fell asleep.
Note to self - "Nurse" in some countries (British) means "HOLD the baby"
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My son put teriyaki sauce on his popcorn tonight while watching a movie and he loves it. Where, oh where did I go wrong?
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea Of the Day: "The Field Trip" (PG-17) - the true story of a fifth-grade science class that disappears off the face of the Earth - prompting one of the biggest man-hunts and FBI investigations in US history. Parents signed permission slips giving their children "Permission to take a field trip into the future" - thinking it may be a visit to a museum, etc. When none of the 23 students return home the day of the trip, some parents alert the authorities. The school has no records of any field trips by the science class, and all students and the teacher are nowhere to be found, for years it's the biggest mystery in US history, until 7 years later a strange package arrives at the doorstep of one of the missing children's parents.

Watching old westerns on TV - I love the saloon fights - would love to be in one back in those days. I'd be one of those guys that breaks things over people's heads - not a MAIN fighter, but rather one of those guys "on the side" that every now again picks up a chair and shatters it across someone's head, or I'd grab up a whiskey bottle and break it over someone's head. Also, I'd NEVER walk down the street next to a saloon window - pretty much in every fight someone WILL come sailing through that window,
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Speaking of dogs - (we were) - a lady came over the other day - one of my sons' friends' mother - and one of my dogs was VERY interested in her crotch as she stood chatting and waiting on her son. She kept nervously bending down the to pet the dog - and the minute she'd stop petting it the dog would try to bury it's nose in her crotch again. I'd call the dog - "No no - come here!" It was uncomfortable for sure, I finally had to put the dog in the bedroom and shut the door until she had left
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I love cartoon physics. I love the fact that in cartoon land there's often banana peels laying around to slip people up. And they're VERY slippery in cartoon land - you'll fall with cool sounds and your feet will spin around in circles in mid-air if it's in the script that it's your turn to step on a banana peel. We never see just WHO is eating all the bananas - but SOMEONE is!
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Burping is one thing, it happens, but I sure do hate HOT DOG burps - nasty! I guess that's what we get for eating them - they're nasty things anyway
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Silly Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Drifter" (PG-17) - the story of the world's most ruthless, evil pirate that ever sailed the Seven Seas- he makes Black Beard look like a Boy Scout. He gathers a crew of thug pirates and sets sail to loot and burn and kill, but the problem is that he quickly becomes lost at sea and he and his entire crew eventually die of starvation and madness drifting around lost on the high seas. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never look at your pirate friends again after seeing Drifter. (3 hrs)
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I learn things the hard way. For instance while getting ready for a vacation, my wife asks me to please go up in the attic and get a suitcase. I wished I'd not gone up there in only my underwear, and I wished I'd never had to crawl across that insulation, and I wished I'd never hit my head on a roof nail, and fallen into the insulation, and I wish I'd never been so sweaty up there in my underwear and the nasty yellow insulation sticks to the sweaty monkey and finds its' way into my underwear. But did I learn something? - YES - I learned a LOT that day!
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People I want to pimp-slap: Whoever invented the phrase "spare money" Don't you love it when people ask you about "spare change" or "spare money" - who the hell has SPARE money!? I don't have any money that is SPARE, ever penny is much-needed.
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Short blog today - my apologies to all my wonderful Monkey-Cage visitors - I love each of you - but today one of my best friends of 15 years had to be hospitalized overnight, he's an old, old man, and is having disk problems in his neck - Degenerative Disc Disease to be exact. And so this great friend who has loved me and been my buddy for so long sleeps overnight at the hospital all by himself while they try out some drugs on him. He's one of my dogs, and like a son to me - I go to write my monkey blog but my thoughts keep drifting back to my little four-legged son laying in the cage at the vets tonight, and I worry and love him. The Monkey will be back in better form tomorrow I'm sure

I heard a CD having problems today and I said to the women - "Sounds like someone needs to tape a penny or a nickel to the needle" - The older chicks had memories of those days and begin to talk about their old record players - (later they were called "phonographs") - and the young girls said - "Huuuuh? Whuuut? Tape...needle, penny...whaaat??" with deer-in-the-headlight eyes.
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Where I grew up down south - we poor white kids were called "Dumb Crackers" by the blacks. I never minded too much - I was sort of dumb back then, and I was a cracker. Every now and again I'll have flash-backs and see someone doing something silly and I'll shake my head - "What a dumb cracker" - my kids think this is hilarious - and now my oldest son likes to refer to almost everyone as dumb crackers. What kind of can of worms have I opened? Why do I teach them such things? Why me? Why the monkey!?
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People I want to pimp-slap: The guy who installed the carpet in our house and left SOMETHING under the carpet in the middle of the hallway - what happened? Did the crack pipe fall out of his pocket and he carpeted over it?
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Ghost Creator" (PG-17) the touching story of a man who has a strange hobby - he goes to random old houses and asks the occupants - "Sorry to bother you - but I know the terrible history of your home from my Great-Grandfather: and was curious - have you seen the ghosts?". He then tells them made up stories of horrible ax murders that took place in their very home. And after he leaves, where there were no ghosts, there is now.
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Don't you just hate it when somewhere in your house is an alarm that goes off - faintly - and can never be found? My kids go through cheap digital watches like crazy - rarely WEARING them, but getting them for Christmas, birthdays, etc. SOMEWHERE in this house at around 6:20PM I can hear one of these alarms going off - perhaps in the kids rooms under a bed? Perhaps under a pile of clothes in there? Point is I'm not going into my son's room without police protection and a chemical suit, but that alarm at 6:20! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! I keep hoping the battery in this watch will die a painful death - but no such luck.
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Show me a person who has a clean history file on their web browser every day and I'll show you a person who's been looking at naughty naughty web pages! To me finding a cleared history on my browser after my son's been there is just as bad as me finding the good stuff he's been visiting - busted!
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Wacky Monkey Invention idea of the Day: "Monkey Blood Alert System" (MBAS) - similar to a smoke alarm up on the ceilings in the rooms of your house, this detector will detect an unusual amount of human blood in a room - if it is high - the detector will automatically call 911. Be it a murder, a suicide, or someone's whacked off a finger in the kitchen - you'll feel safer knowing the cops are on the way.

Things I miss about being down south: When someone is insane, or wacky, in the South people say he or she is "NERVOUS". If you're REALLY crazy they'll even put you in a "Nervous Hospital"
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I don't flash my lights at people coming towards me when I just passed a cop with a radar. I used to - but one day it hit me - just what if one of these people speeding is drunk? What if they're going so fast they run into someone else? It could be my family that they wipe out - maybe it could be yours. Maybe they NEED to be pulled over - maybe they've got a body in their trunk? Would you run into a crack house and warn the crack heads that the cops are down the street?
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Long ago I came home from work, plopped down in a living room chair, and my dog back then immediately put his paws up on my lap and started giving me kisses (licking my face). What a good boy - man's best friend. Suddenly it started stinking really badly. What the hell!? My wife came in the room carrying our baby in her arms and saw me. She yelled to the dog - "STOP!!" The dog ran off. What the...!? She then told me the dog had gotten into the diaper pail and had been eating our baby's poop out of a diaper.
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Great Monkey Idea: The next time you have a party at your house, stock your bathroom medicine cabinet with things to keep the rumor flying - because guests are going to peek in there anyway. Anti-Depressants, pot, a crack pipe, needles, The Morning After pill, condoms of all sorts, sex toys, hormone pills, let your imagination be your guide.
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I was raised on eating boiled peanuts - yep - you heard me - BOILED peanuts - they're yummy - but they're for sure a regional treat - back in the Carolinas guys will actually boil peanuts in big kettles in store parking lots and you can buy them fresh. In Texas you can FIND them - but you get weird looks asking for them. I once found a store in Texas that had them (in cans) and the cashier stared at the cans and asked me - "What do you do with these?" I told her - you eat 'em! She was about to call the authorities.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the day: "Blizzard Man" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of a young man who takes a job at Dairy Queen and purposely makes the Blizzard drinks NOT thick enough, so that when he holds it upside-down for the customer it spills all over them. Watch as he travels from DQ to DQ taking on jobs, secretly laughing at his messy antics. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never look at a Blizzard in the same way again after this movie. (2.5 hours)
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Back when I was in the business world - when I had to schedule and set up meetings I'd make them for strange times - it was fun. My meetings would be scheduled for 11:37 in a certain conference room, or I'd have a meeting to be held at 9:14 - this was great amusement to me - to watch reactions - people would call me - "Why do you have me scheduled for a meeting at 2:13!?" I'd say "Oh gosh I'm sorry - is that time a problem?" - "Well no" they'd say "It's just why two THIRTEEN?" "Why NOT!?" would be my answer - what is SO different about 2:30 vs. 2 PM - where is it actually written that meetings (or anything else for that matter) MUST take place either ON the hour or on the HALF-HOUR? Show me where that's written!? It's not dammit!
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Wacky Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Hot Water Timer" - for larger family houses - this hot water timer gauge is installed in your shower - based on the current amount of hot water you're using in your shower, you get a read out of how many more hours/minutes/seconds of hot water is left in your tank.