Stupid Things the Monkey has said #231: One day at lunch I decided to visit a "24-Hour Fitness Center" near my office - thinking I could pump some iron at lunchtime. The young dude gave me the tour around the place - and we sat down at his desk - the first question I asked - "What are your hours?" (duh)
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Aren't our bodies cool!? Look - we smash our head, we get a bruise, we get a cut, and we HEAL! "So what Monkey-boy!?" I hear you say - but just imagine for a moment that we DIDN'T heal! What if every time we got a cut it STAYED on our body the rest of our lives? What if every bruise we ever got NEVER healed - can you imagine - most of us would look terrible just coming out of childhood!
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Wife's relatives from HELL: We went to visit some of my wife's family in NY - and we stayed with some older lady relative (Aunt maybe?) of hers. This lady was in her late 60's - wore a lot of makeup, and seemed to also wear a wig for some reason. My wife and I slept out on the fold-out couch bed, and unfortunately this couch-bed was in way of the kitchen, the only way to the kitchen was through the living room. Well the old lady relative got up during the night to go to the kitchen, and took a flashlight with her - and she must have fallen on my shoes at the end of the couch. When she fell she bumped the couch, which woke me up. Startled, I looked at the foot of the couch-bed and saw a light, and that's just when the old lady started getting back on her feet. So here I was, not sure where I was, a strange light from the foot of my bed, and then her head came over the edge of the bed - she had her wig OFF, and very little hair, no makeup, and her face was white with some kind of cream on it - to top it all off she was holding the flashlight UNDER her chin as she got up, and moaning (She wasn't hurt) and I swear to you it was the most horrifying sight I'd ever seen - I don't think I screamed because I'm not a screamer, but I made some sort of noise as if I'd seen a demon straight from hell, and maybe I had.
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I worked with an East Indian fellow named "Darpan" (Pronounced "Dar-Pan") - is that a cool name or WHAT!? To me it sounds like a super hero name! I like it so much that sometimes when I go out with my family for dinner and we have to wait for a table, they'll ask - "Name?" and I'll become "Darpan". I'm a white lookin' sob with blond hair and blue eyes - so that makes my restaurant name all the cooler. And when I go up to claim my table I go to the lady and I say with a serious look - "I am DARPAN!" Try that name when YOU are making reservations! Try it now - it's fun - say it - "I am DARPAN!"
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Speaking of assumed names - my brother - who is a bit strange like me - found out that you can make your own "prefix" of your name on mail-in forms, on applications, etc. There's usually a spot where you can put "Dr., Mr. Mrs. etc" - he decided to put on "Brig. Gen" (Brigadier General) on forms - for fun. I admit it WOULD be fun to get junk mail addressed to "Brigadier General your-name-here"
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: The guy that invented those horrible, stupid wooden ice-cream "spoons". Do you have any idea what those dry wooden "spoons" do to me when they rub across my wet lips as I'm trying to eat ice cream!? I'd rather eat ice-cream with my fingers than to use those dreadful things! Some don't like fingernails screeching down a chalkboard - my "fingernails on the chalkboard is those dry wooden spoons touching my lips!
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I'm going to call "Ripley's Believe it or Not" - earlier in the day I used my two boy's bathroom, and noticed their toilet paper roll was a few sheets away from empty. Later tonight I went into their bathroom again and someone had not ONLY changed the toilet paper roll and had put the roll ON the dispenser thingy (not on the counter or the floor) , but they'd also put the empty cardboard tube in the TRASH! At first I was going to call 911 and report an intruder, but I spoke to the boys and found one of them had actually DONE THIS! There is hope!

"I pack a chain-saw, I'll skin your ass raw - And if my day keeps going this way I just might break your fuckin' face tonight " Fred Durst - (Limp Bizkit). I can relate to what Fred is saying here - the other morning I remembered that I'd FORGOTTEN to go to the grocery store to get coffee the previous day, and I was saying this to anyone in my path.
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Things the monkey misses about living in the South: I miss hearing people say they're going to "carry" someone somewhere. You don't say "I'll take my grandmother to the store" - you say "I'll carry my grandmother to the store".
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People I'd like to Pimp-Slap: That guy over there - yeah - him!!! Get him!!!!!
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Fun Monkey Game idea:
Go into a WalMart very late at night by yourself and buy three unusual combinations of things to mess with the cashier - but I don't have the nerve to do it. Here's some ideas to get YOU started. (Yeah YOU do it and report back here with results):
1) Buy a big jar of Vaseline, a Penthouse magazine, and a curling iron.
2) 17 bottles of baby oil, 14 cans of refried beans, and a big sheet of black plastic.
3) 7 tubes of KY-Jelly, some rubber gloves and a lobster
4) A wig, a flashlight, some rope, and one crowbar. (okay that was 4 items - sorry)
5) A package of grapes, some string, and a jar of vaseline
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Amazing Monkey Adventure #931 - the case of the white dog-turd man: I used to cut my neighbors' grass, because she lived alone and had no man around to help with her big yard. She had a dog in her backyard, a Blue Heeler, and this dog only pooped in ONE CORNER of the yard. I was out there on a hot summer day, no shirt on, sweating like a pig, pushing around this lawnmower in her yard. I accidently hit the "dog poop corner" of her yard, and the old nasty white dried-up dog poop just disintegrated into a huge white cloud as I ran over it. What do you think happened next? Yep - the white dog-poop dust settled on my sweaty skin and I became a huge white dog turd.
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There was a comic in the newspaper that was so NOT funny that I thought it was hilarious - it was called "Family Circle" - and it may still be in newspapers today.
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When girls wear pants so tight we get the wonderful "camel toe" effect - is this done on purpose!? It just makes my day to see camel toes - I love it - but call me naive but is it done accidently?
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea Of the Day: "Grave Man" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of a man who buys himself a plot in the local cemetery and shows up the next day with a shovel to start digging. The authorities warn him - but he is insistent on getting used to his grave and proclaims he has a right to put a bed down in his plot and sleep there. The man is eventually arrested when found sleeping in his grave, and his case and trial become national headlines. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing Grave Man.

I overheard a girl at work telling another one - "I don't wear seatbelts, I believe when it's time for me to die, I'll die, whether I'm wearing seat belts or not". Okay then - whatever.
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I used to be a bigger monkey - back when I had a computer job and would sit for long hours every day and eat - I was overweight. At home I had a little Buddha statue that I kept on top of my monitor. The family was playing a trivia game - and my little son had a question - the answer was "Buddha" - my wife gave him a hint - "Who's the fat guy that sits on the computer" - and he says "Dad!"
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Great Monkey Adventure #397 - the Fire Ant bites on the tongue. Texas has Fire Ants - hell, LOTS of states have fire ants - but Texas had a LOT - you ain't experienced all of life until one bites you - that's for sure. But leave it to the monkey to get bit twice by fire ants in a very uncomfortable spot - my TONGUE. Yep - our son was sick in Texas, and the Monkey being the great father he is, slept on the floor next to his bed in case he needed anything. The monkey snores, which of course leads his mouth open. I WOKE UP to pain in my mouth - what the..!? And then more pain, and more, the pain built up further until I could almost scream - my tongue was on fire with intense pain! I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and looked at my tongue in the mirror. Bites - TWO of them - the stupid fire ants had got into my mouth and bit me. I don't know what happened to them - if I swallowed them or they escaped or what, but I'm hoping they're burning in hell right now.
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Silly Monkey Prediction of the day: In the future, "body modifications" will be taken to an extreme level. There will be folks who cut away a small squares of their skulls and surgically implant a small window in which we can actually see their brains. There will be people having extra body parts surgically implanted, three hands, etc. Actual tails from animals will be applied to people. Tattoos are no longer flat art but raised and 3D, these tattoos will actually MOVE along a person's body, one day a tattoo may be on a man's arm, by the next morning it's moved to his chest, etc.
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I want my obituary to read "See page 8B" - and there'll be no page 8B in the newspaper.
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I grew up in black areas down south and through school blacks would always refer to each other as "Nappy Heads" - but not really in a bad way - "You better get your nappy head out of my face", "you ain't got a brain in your nappy head!", etc. I always thought of it just as something one said for fun, playing. I'll never forget leaving home and I was in the Navy and my barracks mate was black from up north - one morning he was sleeping and wouldn't get up for work - I said (out of sort of a habit - without much thought - "Get your nappy head up out of that bed now!" He jumped up and got in my face - "WHAT did you say!?" - I repeated it - thinking he must have thought I said something else. He was highly upset with me and I thought he was going to knock the monkey out. I later learned that "Nappy Head" is not really a term of endearment for all blacks - just the ones back home I guess.
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One day in the future we'll be able to complain to our grandkids when we take them to the movies. "Why in MY day - we only paid $5.75 for a bucket of popcorn - you kids nowadays actually pay $37.00 for popcorn!? That's an outrage!"
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There are some things in this life like burns, hiccups and warts that EVERYONE thinks they have THE cure for - especially old people - if you get a burn and you're around older family members you'll hear some wacky things. "Have a dog lick the burn and then pour gasoline on it son - it will draw the fire out" - "Oh no, that's not it - you have to pour urine on it and then gargle with tequilla". If you have hiccups you'll hear things like - "The only way to stop hiccups is to stand on your head in the river for 2 full minutes - but only if there's a full moon" For a wart it gets even more crazy - "Find a virgin and have her go catch a toad for you on a moonless night, then burn the toad on an alter and scatter the ashes into the Mississippi river during a rain storm and your warts will be gone overnight"
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Have you noticed in the movies when someone is sleeping and it's super late at night they'll get very important phone calls, and the first thing they do when the phone rings is reach over and turn on their bedside lamp, THEN answer the phone.

I'm wary of perfectly behaved children in public - sure that's great - it's wonderful - but call me a cynical monkey, but I can't help but wonder if these perfectly-mannered children don't have the fear of a severe beating/abuse in the back of their little heads if they AREN'T public angels! (Thanks Jenn!)
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea Of The Day: "Brain Man" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of a man with a rare disorder that causes him to crave human brains. Follow his touching story as he begs for just a taste of human brain at mortuaries across the country, or as he listens on his scanner for reports of highway accidents. Race along with him as he speeds to the scene of the accident in the hopes of finding some brain tissue. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing BRAIN MAN.
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IHOP after the clubs close is a sad place to be - it's filled with hard-up drunk guys who didn't get lucky at the clubs and have resorted to trying to pick up the middle-aged divorced IHOP waitresses.
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Monkey prediction of the Day: In the future when children are born their DNA will be used as a huge code - this will then be used to provide identification for the rest of their lives, it will be used as a key to get into doors, it will be used as their SSN, it will be used for their telephone number and for their email address. Anything unique. Scanners on doors and computers and other electronic devices will be able to "scan" a human for the person's DNA code.
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Blogs I'd like to see: "homeless Blog" - This homeless blogger has no computer, no money, and no home, but he has a blog account, and so he sits on the sidewalk drinking Boone's Farm Strawberry wine holding a cardboard sign - "Homeless - Need to use laptop for 1 minute - please and God bless you" When merciful people let him use their laptops he puts out a new blog
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Lesson to be learned from the Monkey. I once met a fellow at work, I didn't work directly with him, I introduced myself. The next day I saw him and he called me "Mike" (That's not my name - not sure why he thought it was). I let it go and didn't correct him, thinking I'd no see him again so who cares. I saw him the next day in the hall and he stopped me to chat - and called me "Mike" - this time I didn't correct him because he had called me Mike in our conversation the day before and I'd failed to correct him then so why now? Sure enough I saw this guy almost every DAY and every day he called me Mike and I had let his mistake go on so long for so many days that he'd think I was a nut-case if waited all this time to correct him. Finally he left the company and I was relieved. Lesson to be learned from the Monkey: If someone calls you by the wrong name - correct them immmediately!
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My father decided when I was young he didn't need his kids and also decided he didn't need to pay any child support. Later we kids grew up wild and rebellious. (surprised?) When I wasn't stealing cigarettes I would pay for them - and I found out that my dad had left an extensive coin collection up in the attic in a box. I learned that you can take those blue coin binder books and twist them like you'd twist an ice-cube tray and the coins pop out! I also learned that Hisham the 7-11 cashier could care less if your nickels are WW II Silver nickels - he'll take 'em for a pack of smokes!
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Why is it every time I'm sleeping and suddenly someone comes to the house and knocks on our door my wife wakes me up and says - "Quick - go see who's at the door!" - I appreciate that I'm to do this for security reasons - but she doesn't understand that sometimes when men sleep we make a tent and have "morning wood" - and that may not be what someone at the door wants to see - I can't just get up and run to the door!

"Back in the day" - men wore suits practically all the time, not just to work - even to boxing matches there's guys in suits and hats. And "back in the day" - I liked how folks would start sentences with "say..." That makes me laugh. Say, some older folks still say it.
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Teeth-Brushing Pills" (MTBP's) - pressed for time? Pop on one of these pills in your mouth and it breaks open with toothpaste, at the same time little "scrubbing bubbles" (which will work hard - so you won't have toooooo) will be released and these little micro-scrubbers will scrub your teeth. All you have to do is keep your mouth shut (for once) and let the pill work.
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Women check out other women - but for different reasons than us men, and in a different way. Me - I check 'em out - usually in this order - butt, boobs, face - that's it - very simple. Women look at other women but it's much more complex; hair, hair style, does she have roots, earrings, make-up, nails, rings on fingers, shirt or blouse, dress/pants/skirt, what type of purse, and shoes! Wonder where she got that purse? She's MUCH too big to be dressing like that. Where DID she get those shoes - they're "cute"!, those nails are SO fake looking. Those colors are so yesterday, on and on the list goes of things they must look at. Sit in a waiting room and watch women's eyes when new women enter the room - watch what they look at - and their eyes actually travel all the way down to the shoes! I'm so glad I'm a man - things are so simple for us.
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Last One" (PG-17) - Civilization ends - not in a disaster or nuclear holocaust, but rather a baby is born in Greece, and it's the LAST baby born - suddenly across the globe there are no more pregnancies, anywhere. The world is thrown into a panic and changes as the years pass and no more schools are built, there are no children, and with every death on the globe the population actually decreases, the scientific community goes insane trying to find out what happened and how to fix it to no avail, mankind has come to an end.
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Have you ever been put on hold with a company SO long that when they finally DO answer you have to ask "I'm sorry - I forgot who I called - who ARE you?"
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Gif, Peter Pan, Skippy, to me it's all good - I love me some peanut butter! Now more than ever, as when I was growing up, and poor, my mother had no choice but to buy those huge, cheap, yellow no-name buckets of nasty peanut butter, with the greasy oil all in it. Yikes.
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I've done my share of strip clubs - and I find them depressing. I've been to "upscale" strip clubs where the women are more beautiful, and I've been to strip clubs in terrible places, where the "dancers" are so drunk and can hardly stand, and have beer bellies, and in the bathroom there's people shooting up and crabs jumping out of the toilets and attacking people. But no matter the strip club, I've just never been a fan. There's something very depressing about strip clubs to me - the dancers make me sad for some reason no matter how good they look. But mostly I believe it's the sheer fact that here's a bunch of guys, probably most of them married, getting drunk and staring and dreaming. Sad
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You've seen the Quizno Sub commercials - you love 'em or hate 'em - I happen to LOVE those commercials - they're works of art - and maybe now I know why - according to a Chicago Sun-Times business columnist - they're "South American Midget Monkeys"! (they originally come from rathergood.com - I was a fan before these guys hit the Quizno Sub commercials!)
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I once had a gun pulled on me - it will wake you up boys - really fast. Have you ever known a guy who you NEVER see outside of his car? One of those fellows had a girl friend I worked with, and I knew him just from drinking with him (while he sat in his car) Well one night after work we all went drinking out in the woods - and the next thing I know it's only this girl and me - out in the woods, sitting on a big rock, drinking beer and talking. (Her car-bound boyfriend wasn't around - I don't know WHERE he was - but he wasn't there!) She was coming on to me - without a doubt - and was even rubbing my leg as we talked! One thing led to another and the Monkey tried to kiss her. At that point she pulled away and said she had to go. Okay then! The next morning I'm walking in the parking lot at work and her car-bound boyfriend pulled up - he yelled over to me - "Come here!" (Cause he can't get out of his car I guess) - I went over to his window and he just sat there staring at me. Finally he says. "I thought I knew you better than that!" - and he reaches over to his glove box and opens it - and there's a gun in there! He made sure I saw it. I didn't say anything - what could I say - I was busted - set up -yes, but still I was busted. He slammed the glove box shut and drove off. To this day I think that his girl did mess on purpose to get him jealous for whatever reason and it worked.

Free Monkey Tip of the Day: If you have some leftover food, or some food you're not sure about how old it is - simply bring it to work and set it on the table in your breakroom. Pigs at work will eat anything! Try it - they'll eat ANYTHING!
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Have you been in Wal-Mart and heard "Security - Please do a scan on sectors 3B, 4, and 7G". Come on - who are they kidding!? I dare you, after one of these announcements, to approach a Wal-Mart worker...errr...sorry, a WalMart associate, with a worried, nervous look on your face and say "What sector are we in here in jewelry!?"
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It's a bit annoying to order something online and have the company use FedEx - and FedEx comes by the house when everyone's at work - leaves a note - "Nobody was home - signature required - attempt 1" - what what the hell man? What happens when we get to attempt 3? I think on their third attempt as punishment for me being at work the FedEx man should throw the package through the window into the living room and NOT get my signature!
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One of those moments when a child melts away anger: My little boy was up in his high chair eating a bowl of little pieces of chicken, and I stepped out of the room for a moment to get him his drink. When I came back into the room ALL of his little pieces of chicken were thrown all over the living room - pieces everywhere! He caught me grumpy and tired, and I pointed at the mess and demanded - "What is THIS!?" He looked down at the floor at the mess and said in a little cute voice "Chick-chick?" I of course laughed and my heart melted and I was even in a good mode when I picked up the "chick-chick" mess from the floor
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As you can imagine - I entertain myself with my thoughts - which is a nice hobby I guess. As I may have told you - I'm also a "recreational bodybuilder" (meaning I don't compete). These are two nice hobbies, thinking fun wacky thoughts and bodybuilding - but they don't mix well. Tonight I was "moving iron" (macho talk for weight lifting) , and was on my last rep of benching xxx lbs, and sure enough one of those wacky Monkey blog-type thoughts entered my head and I laughed - when you laugh it saps all strength from your muscles, (the way Clay Aikens CD's sap strength and testosterone) and this causes gravity to pull downward on the xxx lbs. Not good. I made it out alive - but forgot what the funny thought was.
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You hear a lot of people saying "You're LUCKY I'm a nice person!" - have you ever ran across someone saying "You're in bad luck, I'm NOT a nice person!" Hardly ever.
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I was stationed in Florida in the US Navy, and there was a Navy girl there in the barracks that was...errr....VERY friendly. She enjoyed male company and she had an open-door policy in her barracks room. Needless to say she was very popular. I myself did in fact pay her a visit one night. But all good things must come to an end, and one day out of nowhere word got around she may have "the clap". The base clinic made her make an actual LIST of all the guys that had visited her. Monday morning at 0600 we had to meet outside the base clinic for testing. There were about 20-30 guys outside that clinic that morning. It was hilarious in a way - guys pointing at each other and laughing - "You TOO!" Some guys seemed ashamed - but most of us thought of this as a hallmark moment - one is not likely to forget - and we were right. It was a great male-bonding time. There was also talk out there that morning - guys asking each other - "You didn't 'go south' did you!?" - (everyone denied they did) But most of the laughter and fun that morning ended once we were each called into the clinic and a coat-hanger type instrument with a flat end was used to take a "scraping" and sent off for testing. And as far as I know all the guys I caught up with later came back with negative results on our test.
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Ever hear a blast from the past! Someone told a lady at work something today and she said "Manashevits!!" Who started this phrase!? I guess it originated from "MAN!" - When I was younger I'd even hear kids saying "Manashevits white wine!"
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Do you ever drive by a cemetery and actually THINK about it? I try to - I don't just LOOK at the tombstones and think "old people", "dead people" - I think "ME" - yep - ME - and YOU - that's US one day friend - in the ground, the DIRT buddy - worm food - it's around the corner, death - it's for us all. I think it's important to remind ourselves that our time here is precious - that no matter how rich or poor you are - there's a spot of land on this very Earth where your bones or ashes will be. And as we lay there in the Earth we all look alike - hard to tell who was what race, who was rich, poor, happy, sad - bones all look alike. There is a Zen saying - "A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it. " Time moves long like a river taking us with it.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped. People that ruin your day by philosophically pointing out that you're going to die.

Is it me or is there just something FUN about using Hydrogen Peroxide? I LOVE to pour it on a cut, to watch it fizz and bubble - it's fun because you know the fizzing and bubbling is Mr. Hydrogen Peroxide killing bad guys! I hate cuts and scrapes, but I LOVE Hydrogen Peroxide! Especially fun are nice deep cuts, where you pour in the Hydrogen Peroxide and the bubbling just starts erupting from within like a volcano.
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How come the older a woman gets - the bigger her jewelry gets? Costume jewelry, huge earrings, huge bracelets with giant beads the size of bowling balls... A woman's underwear becomes less and less attractive and bigger and bigger also, but luckily we don't always see that - we DO see the huge jewelry.
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Today I went to my son's 8th grade graduation, and I also watched the seniors graduate. The seniors put on a PowerPoint presentation where they'd show baby pictures of each senior. It hit me while watching this show - all the baby pictures of these kids are in COLOR! I'll bet for the last few years all kids have had baby pictures in color! Isn't that wild? It makes me feel OLD because all my baby pictures are B&W as probably most of yours are too? (And don't act like - "no Monkey - you're the only one" - I AM handy with a pimp-slap ya know)
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Would you be treating your friend(s) or family differently right now if you learned they had cancer and had been given only about a year to live? Or would you be treating them about the same way as you do now? Would you be treating yourself differently? If I found out I had only a year or less to live, I'd be tempted to max out every credit card I could get my hands on, and when the creditors started calling and hounding me for late bills I'd say to them "You people are just trying to kill me aren't you!? You're gonna be the death of me!", and then after I was gone my wife could answer the phone and tell these people - "You finally killed the Monkey - I sure hope you're happy!"
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I served proudly in the United States Navy for six years - I was also shot in the leg. But the two aren't related, I just wanted was trying to throw you off. Long before I was in the US Navy, I was standing out in my front yard minding my own business, when I felt a sudden sharp STING on my left thigh. What the...!? I thought it might be a bee sting of some sort, and a big welt started quickly rising. I look up the street for some reason and there's a so-called neighborhood friend - Paul - standing by his mailbox with a rifle. Turns out it was a BB gun - and he was grinning as if he'd done something he was proud of. I stopped being his friend after that - can you blame me? The only reason I ever hung out with him anyway is because his mother was a bit of a slut, she and his dad were "swingers" - and when they weren't home he'd show me their extensive porno/swinger magazine collection they kept in their closet, and I of course had fantasies about his mother.
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The Monkey has been to some places around the world, from Australia, New Zealand, to the orient, to Singapore, Hong Kong, to Iceland, the Caribbean, all around the US of A, to many, many spots on this big ol' monkey cage globe - and you know where the coolest places I've ever been to or lived is? The bottom of a bunk bed. My brother and I had a bunk bed in our room, and I had the bottom bunk. I put blankets around the outside, I put a light up on the mattress above, I put girly pictures up there, I put a little shelf with library books, Martha Stewart would've been proud. And when it got to be too tough growing up with too many siblings, poor and with no father, I'd go into my bunk and pull the blankets shut behind me and just dream.
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What is it about calling in sick to work where somewhere along the line we have come to think we have to SOUND sick - with the poor, scratchy, muffled sounding voice that sounds like we're about to die? I did this a few times and then it hit me - I'm only doing this voice for my boss because I''m calling in sick! It's a LIE! The next time I called in sick I used my normal voice - after all it was my stomach hurting NOT my throat so why the fake sick voice!?
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Speaking of voices. My mother could be in the middle of beating one of us kids like stepchildren, with coat hangers, belts, spatulas, rifle butts, whatever was around, screaming at us so loudly that it almost deafened us, and in the middle of that the phone could ring and it'd be one of her friends - suddenly her voice could go to SWEET MODE in .00023 of a second!
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You've heard the calls at Wal-Mart over the intercom - "I need an associate in Gardening to call such-and-such" right? One day the Monkey heard one - the ultimate - I kid you not - "I need an associate in women's underwear to register seven please...an associate in women's underwear to register seven" I laughed until I stopped. Nobody around me in the store laughed (Why do I always laugh alone!?) - I think I"m the only one who "got" this.

One thing I don't miss about being a kid - waking up and not being able to open my eyes because of all the "eye boogies" encrusted all over my eyes - I'd cry and my dear Mama would put a hot wet washcloth on my eyes and get all the bad stuff off so I could open my eyes. What the hell is THAT about anyway!? How come that happens so much when we're kids?
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My wife continues to threaten the kids and I in the car with Clay Aiken - if we don't behave right she'll push in her Gay Aiken CD. It's a terrible thing to use Gay Aiken as a threat, especially against your own husband and kids. I may take this to court.
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What's with the push-down-to-activiate water faucets in public bathroom sinks that provide a weak three-second stream of lukewarm water? I want to meet the guy who invented these stupid sinks, I wonder if he also makes showers?
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We never really know what our friends and family are into that may seem kinky to us - but sometimes we get hints of it accidently. I was sitting with a friend at his computer and for some reason a picture came up of a very beautiful young girl, scantily-clad. His eyes sort of glazed over and he said to me "I'll bet she's been a bad, bad girl, and needs someone to turn her over his knee and give her a good spanking"! Yikes. Okay then....
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What if we invented a time machine, and went back to the 1800's and we discovered everything really WAS black and white and sepia-tinted; that there really WAS no color back then - we just always assumed they simply had no color film!
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Today I went shopping with my wife and she pulled me into Old Navy. I made some stupid comment about something or another and she tells me - "That's the last time I take YOU shopping at Old Navy!" I jumped for joy, celebrating, and then I got pimp-slapped by my wife and an Old Navy salesperson who overheard/saw the whole exchange giggled like a small girl.
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I want to build a big house - and in that house I want to have a billiard room, a study, a library, a kitchen, a Conservatory - and in some of those rooms I will leave a rope, a candlestick, a leadpipe, knife, etc. I think this would get guests thinking - "Gosh this all looks familar but from where!?"
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My younger brother and his friend used to sneak up to the store and buy beer when they were kids - they'd sneak down a back road carrying the case of beer and there was an old man that sat on his porch. Every time the old man saw these kids walking down the street with the beer he would yell at them - "It'll give you the shits boys! It'll give you the shits!" To this day when I see someone carrying beer I feel like yelling to them "It'll give you the shits!!"
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: A) Guys that put pictures of their wives on their desks at work, but the picture is from 17 years ago when their wives were younger and happier, B) Guys that put "glamour Shots" of their wives decked out in makeup striking a stupid "glamour shot" pose. Come on man, show us your REAL wife, for what she really is and how she really looks, be proud of her as she really is. Real life is not glamour shots with leather jackets and umbrellas and fake poses and smiles - real life is your wife who has put up with your crap for all these years. If you want to impress the Monkey put a picture of your wife on your desk showing how she looks each day when she gets home from work and has to still cook dinner for your fat ass that fell asleep in front of the TV, put a realistic picture of your wife on your desk, not a fantasy picture, and still be proud of her.
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I can now say I've met someone that actually likes "Head Cheese". My wife's grandfather - in his 90's - just loves him some head cheese! From the dictionary: "Head Cheese: A dish made of portions of the head, or head and feet, of swine, cut up fine, seasoned, and pressed into a cheeselike mass."
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I hated Sundays when I was a kid - on Sundays not only did we have to attend church, but after church we'd have to go to my Grandmother's house for a big lunch (Dinner). We kids had to sit at a big table in the kitchen, while our mother and the adults sat in the dining room at the big fancy table. There they talked badly about anyone and everyone not at the table. My grandmother served Lima Beans at every one of these lunches. We kids hated lima beans, and so we'd would chuck our lima beans up on top of Grandmother's kitchen cabinets where I'm sure they were enjoyed by her large collection of cockroaches. After everyone had finished eating my mother would yell into the kitchen to us kids - "Sure would be nice if one of you boys would do the dishes for Grandmother!" These Sunday lunches from hell lasted hours, because when one adult left the big "adult dinner table" the rest of them would gossip and speak poorly of the person that left, and so nobody ever wanted to leave the Sunday lunches, except for us kids.
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Blogs the Monkey would like to see: "Cat Talk Blog" - a blog written entirely by a cat that walks across the keyboard. Example: "4jg0rgj rj0000rrrr`` kl4ø∆ ªªº∆∆∆∆¬¬kk"

Monkey Prediction of the Day: In the future, you will be able to actually touch, pick up, and carry around icons! Yep - you heard me - a program/application will be located on an icon, and if you want it on another computer you will reach up to the monitor, and PICK UP the icon off the screen, and put it in your pocket, or your wallet. You will have all your own personal data, all your email, all your programs, within an icon, your very own icon. Icons will be actual 3D real things, about the same size as they are now, but about as thick as a credit card.
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They took away cigarette commercials on TV, they voluntarily removed hard liquor commercials from TV. If I remember correctly, the Marlboro ads were pretty cool, as were the liquor ads. What do we get now? We get commercials about male enhancement pills, feminine itch cream, and tampon commercials. We've come a long way baby.
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I once heard a mother of a drug-addict teen talking to a few other mothers of drug-addicted teens - two of the mothers were saying how their daughters steal from them, they steal prescription drugs, and money. The third mother said she had that problem too, but she found a safe hiding place for her money and prescription drugs - where? In her teen's ROOM - her teen would rampage and pillage everyone else's rooms but not her own.
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On a vacation, my wife and I were once looking for a hotel - we wanted to swim in a nice heated pool because it was chilly out. We stopped in a few hotels and asked - nope - none of them had heated pools. Finally a clerk told us he had a pool outside that was heated. We said great - give us a room. after unpacking we went down to the outdoor heated pool to have a swim. The water was freezing! I went to the clerk and complained - "You said the pool here was heated!?" He grinned like a mule eating briars - "It IS heated...by the SUN"! I could've pimp-slapped him into tomorrow.
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How long do you think it will be before big corporations start paying funeral bills for folks, IF they agree to have just a little advertising on the coffins for the folks at the funeral?
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To me one of the best parts of Lucky Charms, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, etc., is the little marshmallow pieces. When I eat these cereals, even today as a grown man, I save all the marshmallow pieces for my last bite, and then I get a big huge spoonful of just them. Yummy! I'd like to see a cereal company come up with solid marshmallow pieces.
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Speaking of cereal (we were) remember back when people weren't scared of the word "sugar" - and many of the breakfast cereals had "sugar" boldly in the name!? There was Super SUGAR Crisp, there was SUGAR Frosted Flakes, and SUGAR Smacks!

There was a stupid sign up by the driver of our school bus in school - it actually read "Please do not get up from your seat until the bus has come to a complete stall" I always thought that was stupid. The bus never did stall.
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I think birds have their own "language" - to a crow, danger might be "Caw-CAW-caw!" - to a sparrow, "man with a shotgun" might be "tweet-TWeet-TWEET!" - perhaps to a Robin, "the neighborhood cat is coming" may be "tweeeeety-tweet, tweeeety-tweet". I wonder if some bird species have come to recognize other bird species danger-calls. For instance, if 7 sparrows are hanging around my bird feeder with one lone Robin, and suddenly a mean cat is sneaking up on the feeder - the sparrows may call out "Tweeeety-tweet, tweet!" and fly off to safety - and the Robin doesn't speak Sparrow language, perhaps knows enough of it to recognize it's bad news, perhaps he heard something he translated to: "There's a mean HOTEL approaching" - and he knows that's probably incorrect but flies away with the sparrows to be safe.
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I had a girlfriend in fourth grade - I spoke to her all the time on the phone - non-stop, that was so many years ago and I can still remember her phone number - it started with a seven and I believe there was a zero in there somewhere.
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Dogs can do things we people can't - mine loves to have his belly scratched more than anything in the world, and when someone is near him he'll roll over on his back and wait for a scratch. I like things done to me also but when people come around I can't just whip it out. life is unfair.
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Way back in 6th grade, in my American History class, there was a girl that sat behind me that I thought was very nice and I had a crush on her. When it came time for tests, she would suddenly grow about 6 inches - she'd sort of sit on her knees so that she could better see my test in front of her. (Which meant she wasn't that bright - but I still liked her) I think for a few seconds one day I wondered if I were doing HER any good by letting her cheat - what could she learn of American History this way? But I let her cheat anyway. She never made it back to seventh grade, over the summer she was killed, her and another teen were killed in a terrible car accident and she was thrown from the car and died. So I guess I'm glad I let her cheat - she never really used any American History after all.
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Have you ever locked yourself out of your house, and you're standing there in the yard cursing yourself for actually locking all the window?. You think - this is crazy- I'm always a slacker and leave everything half-done, surely I left a window unlocked!? I find myself staring in a window at my dogs - and I watch them laying there and they look up at me in the window and I think "there must be SOME way they can let me in, why are they just laying there!? You lazy idiots!" Why have I trained them to SIT for crying out loud - that's hardly a practical trick. And then I end up just standing there staring in a kitchen window at my dogs and cursing THEM, they look SO useless laying on a floor in MY house when I'm locked out.
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey's Weight-Losss Humiliation Bed" - this computerized bed is programmed with how much you SHOULD weigh (or would like to weigh.) It then automatically weighs you each night when you get into bed. If you're over what you should be, it will announce random motivational messages via voice simulation in the speaker in the headboard while you sleep; "Damn you're fat", "Ouch my poor springs!", "You have no willpower fat ass", etc. Soon you'll try to turn off the Humiliation Bed, but I'm sorry Dave, I cannot allow that to happen. Then you'll start sleeping on another bed or the couch to get away from it, and that's fine too - by then you've already bought my invention and there's no refunds, I cannot do that Dave.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: People that know damned well a movie is going to be packed, but they get there at the last minute, while I got there EARLY to get a good seat with my family - and these clowns walk up and down the isle with their dates trying to get others to MOVE seats so they can have two seats together. Too bad clown - leave us alone and sit separately as punishment for being late.

Sometimes in Navy chow halls they can get kind of slack with the food when it's the weekend and there's no brass (officers) around. At a Navy Chow Hall in Puerto Rico the chow hall had actually been serving PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON sandwiches on the weekends for lunch - it used to piss us enlisted folks off. But one fine day an officer on weekend-duty stopped by the chow hall when they were serving the infamous weekend lunch Peanut Butter & Bacon sandwiches - busted! - he raised hell and we never ate that kind of foolishness again on weekends!
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Musical Blog-Commenting - a new game - you read a blog, and comment on it, but comment on the NEXT blog you read. This will keep people confused, and confusion is a good thing, it keeps a stranger's mind from getting bored.
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Do you ever put up with something squeaking like crazy in your house and let it go for a long time, and FINALLY when you get the magical WD-40 and stop the squeak you wonder why you didn't do that AGES ago!?
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Have you ever seen someone outdoors (usually a guy - I've never seen a gal do it and hope I never do), push one nostril closed with their finger, and blow snot out of the other nostril onto the ground!? I've always thought this was pretty sick, and once worked with a guy (outside) who did it regularly. I thought that was pretty sick, but I'll never, EVER forget what I saw one day in traffic: a guy in a pickup truck in front of me at a stoplight did this nose thing, NOT out the window, but over onto the empty seat in his pickup. That's something I really didn't need to see (and probably something you didn't need to hear about either.)
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Have you ever seen "grouphug.us" - it's basically a website where people can confess things anonymously. Sounds silly but I gotta admit it's a fun site to read on a daily basis - today my favorite was: "Some days I like to eat too many pies...I go to churches just to buy and eat as much apple, rhubarb, cherry, blueberry pies as I can. I think I'm a pie whore."
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I once moved into a place and the first night there I could hear in the apartment next door through my bedroom wall - "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!" against the wall. VERY COOL I thought - someone is getting some over there and has the headboard action going on. I listened and listened - wow - this guy is good - it kept up hard and long, I never heard any other noises though unfortunately - just the headboard, I finally fell asleep. The next morning I was told that the radiator over there has a problem and they were working to get it fixed. Sure enough the next night it started again with the banging - all night. The banging wasn't so cool after all once I found out what it was
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Silly Monkey Invention Of the Day: "Monkey Sock Matching Machine" (MSMM) - with this amazing invention ALL socks are white, but before you put them on you simply rotate a little dial on the sock docking machine where the socks are stored (The "sock dock") to the color you want the socks to be - and they change. No more mismatched socks - no more sorting socks by colors! Comes with 300 generic "color-changing" white socks and the Sock-Dock. When done simply throw the socks in the wash with your whites and they'll change back to white when the water hits them.
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Note to self: Don't you EVER, EVER again let any of your kids know where you hide the can of "Air Buster". (the canned air spray used to clean/blow out keyboards) It becomes the greatest toy in the world when you're not home.
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Stupid Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Cannibal" (R) - the amazing true story of a South American Cannibal who moves to the U.S., hoping the new environment will cure him of his cannibalism habit. However once here, he finds he cannot stop - he finds girlfriends, kills them brutally, and cooks and eats them, just like back home. After each murder he feels terrible and confesses to co-workers: "I ate my girlfriend last night" they only grin, slap him on the back and encourage him, he continues to kill and cannibalize girls all across America, and each time he confesses he is simply encouraged. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing this movie. (please note I DO say "STUPID" movie idea!)

In the porn world so much of it is concerned with "barely-legal teens" that also in the porn world what they call "hot, older, mature" women are in fact in their 20's. Amazing ain't it? (Not that I look)
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Movie Lids" - When we close our eyes, the insides of our eyelids are pretty darned big - why not project a movie onto them? The video cables could be easily inserted into our ears with some painless surgery, and the electronics would then send the movie or TV images around to the eyelids where you just close your eyes and watch. If you want to pause it - open your eyes fool!
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I've shaved my head now for years - about once a week I run the clippers over my head and I'm done - you'd be surprised at what tremendous freedom this allows. There's no paying a crazy hair cut price, there's no "bad hair days", there's no fussing with gels and combs and brushes, there's no problem with windy days, it dries quickly when out of the shower, the list is huge.
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I was at a park once on a field trip -a group of us from work was walking up a big steep hill and this one girl was having some troubles getting up the hill. She's not the brightest lady in the world - she yells out "Any of you guys interested in giving me a bareback!?" That got some attention. (She meant piggy-back we THINK)
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Bad Billy Fishing" - (PG-17 3 hrs, 40 min) the touching true story of Billy Fishing, a janitor at MIT is discovered by a professor and taken under his wing to nurture his mathematics skills. The only problem is that it turns out this janitor in fact has no amazing math skills at all, it's all he can do to come to work each morning with his shoes tied correctly. He is indeed pretty much an idiot and is put back to work cleaning toilets, the professor is fired.
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People that should be pimp-slapped: People that when an item of food they were going to eat falls on a floor they quickly snatch it up and eat it anyway - and laughingly refer to a "10 second rule - if it was on the floor less than 10 seconds it's safe! Yuck yuck tee hee" (Also seen as a "5-second rule", etc) Idiots. You think E. Coli waits 10 seconds before crawling on someone's food when it hits the floor? Do you use the same 10-second rule when having unprotected sex with diseased partners?
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When I was a kid I loved me some SWEETS! I would drink pure maple syrup, I would sneak into the kitchen and down a spoonful of pure sugar, I was out of control. Once on a Boy Scout camping trip I found out a friend had a big container of Kool-Aid powder - grape. I loved to sneak in there, use the scoop and get me some. Once I snuck in and put a whole scoop-full of the powder in my mouth and was on my way back out of the tent when some Scout friends rounded the corner and caught me raiding the food tent. They started chasing me and I started running - don't EVER RUN with a huge mouthful of Kool-Aid Grape drink mix in your mouth! In no time I couldn't breath, the powder was sucking up any moisture I had in my mouth, I couldn't breath through my nose fast enough, and I started choking. When I started choking I coughed and the blue powder went all over me, the other Scouts caught up with me and started beating me, I was sweating, the blue powder was mixing in the sweat - I was a big stupid coughing, gagging, choking, grape Kool-Aid fool on the ground getting beat up.
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Speaking of syrup (we were) - you KNOW you're a horny teenager when you get up in the morning and your mom has the Mrs. Butterworth's syrup bottle out on the table and you start having fantasies and "morning wood" about a bottle that LOOKS like a lady wearing a rag on her head. Sad huh?

I put on some new pants today and found a piece of paper in the pocket - "Inspected by C-36" - just what can a person do with that!? I doubt C-36 is a PERSON, "C-36" is probably a 12 year old girl in some sweat shop. Besides, I want to see the results of the inspection.
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "Self-Cleaning Mouse" (SCM) Just as our printer cartridges started being able to clean themselves, so should our mice! When they've not been touched in a set amount of time they'll wake up, internally spray some cleaner on their parts, and roll around on the special mouse pad to remove lint and junk. Get your order in now.
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My wife was making a call once, and the recording said: "Thank you for choosing AT&T", and she says "Like I had a choice" BUSTED! - the operator was already online, heard this, and said "You DO have a choice Ma'am" - and started to explain to my wife how she had a choice.
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Have you ever been late with a payment on something and called to "pay by phone" - they're happy to hear from you, and after the transaction is complete they ask "Mr. Monkey will your next month's payment be on time" - (they want to hear "of course! This will NEVER happen again!" and they also ask "Is there any particular reason Mr. Monkey your payment was late this month?" (They want to hear "I moved, lost my job, a mere oversight, etc) One I did a late-pay-by-phone payment and wasn't in the mood. "Mr. Monkey do you see a problem with next month's payment? Will it be on time?" And I said "I doubt it - it hardly ever is you should know that by now". And then "Mr. Monkey why was your payment late this month?" I said "Because I'm a slacker" - and it was quiet for a moment and the poor lady says - "I'll just write down it was an oversight".
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Stupid things the Monkey has done: on an airline flight once I put on my little cheap headsets and was listening to some music. The music wasn't very loud, so I felt down on the armrest and found one low button and one higher - I pressed the higher button a few times to turn up the volume. Nothing - no change in the volume. So I thought maybe you press and hold the button - nope - the volume was the same - so I thought maybe you really had to press the button like hell, so I started pressing the button very fast and many many times - press press press press press over and over. Still no volume increase. Suddenly a flight attendant RAN down the aisle to me - she got right in my face - (She was so close I could actually SEE the cracks in her makeup those flight attendants wear as thick as pancake mix) "WHAT!?!" she said, she was pissed. OOPS! Yep - I'd been pressing that stupid flight-attendant call button over and over - my wife actually heard it up there in the flight attendant's station but had no idea it was me - but everyone could hear it - "ding ding ding ding ding dingding dingdingding ding"
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Ya gotta love the strong Boston accents - I work with lady who has one, and recently when eating lunch she was talking to me and said "Do you need a fok?"
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My teenager has been listening to a lot of ACDC, Beastie Boys, Jimi Hendrix, Metallica, and today he was even listening to KISS! I said - "Son - you're an old school guy - you listen to the music from back in the day! - what's wrong with you - get with the times man - your times!" He looks up at me and says "Oh would you rather I listen to rap?" It was a wake-up call. "No son" I said - "Sorry, carry on" - and quickly left the room.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped. People that believe EVERYTHING they read in their inboxes and send out every scam, hoax and chain email they receive - and add at the top: "Don't know if this is true or not, but just in case..."
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Speaking of flying - you punks that sit and read your magazines and books when the flight attendant is reading the SAFETY instructions - who the hell are YOU? You fly so much that you know every aircrafts emergency exits? Is that it? I doubt it - and even if you DID, if you ask me when someone is speaking to you - it's polilte to LOOK AT THEM if nothing else just for a little common courtesy!
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My wife and I do a count of every seat-back between us and the nearest exit on every plane, as well as every movie theater - so when the plane or theater fills up with smoke so thick you could cut it, and nobody can see the "floor lighting" - we can at least feel and count our way to an exit. (And if I step on your head on the way there - I'm sorry - no offense)

I went in for coffee the other day at a coffee shop in Bozeman, and the lady asked me if I wanted to leave room in the cup for milk & cream. I said sure. I turn around to go to the counter with the cream and milk and there on a couch nearby are not one, but TWO women sitting breast-feeding their babies. Coincident? Are you thinking what the monkey is thinking?
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My wife couldn't sleep last night, and was up late watching TV, she was watching (for some reason) "MOMMY DEAREST" - do you know how hard it is to sleep with that mother-of-the-year Joan Crawford screaming every 5 minutes!? Do you know what kind of dreams this movie as a background creates?
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Remember back when we HAD to watch TV commercials because we A) didn't have remote controls, B) didn't have but maybe 1-2 other channels to choose from, and C) we were too lazy to get up and change the dial? What commercial used to start out with "In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife..." (Thanks Yoli for bringing up this memory)
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: "The drop-box auto-check" (DBAC) - for folks like the monkey - who drop mail into the mail box and then MUST open it again to make sure it fell in - or when I turn in movies at the video store I drop them into the box then re-open the door to make SURE they really fell in (even after I heard them drop) - this device senses when a person has dropped something into a drop box, then re-opens the door automatically after 1.7 seconds and an automated voice announces - "See, it's gone, now move along psycho OCD boy!"
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I once witnessed a COOK - in a restaurant, in a cook's uniform, coming out of the bathroom: The bathroom door opened, I could hear the toilet flushing, and he was coming out, STILL ZIPPING HIS FLY. Nice hand wash there BUDDY.
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Cheap, good, all-round entertainment is to put out a bird feeder in the yard. I've had one for some time now, and today was treated with the sight of a whole flock of Yellow Finches!
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We had company coming over for dinner tonight, so we scrubbed and cleaned the house - and I had the honor of cleaning our son's bathroom - nasty, stinkin', filthy it was. After the company left I told the kids - don't you even go in there to use that bathroom - you go outside in the yard like the dogs from now on! (I think they thought I was joking)
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My wife's Grandfather calls his neighbor who lives down the hill from him "Below Me" - I haven't figured out if Grandpa knows what else this sounds like - I don't think he does.
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Sunday nights - in my house Sunday nights at bedtime is the time the kids magically think of something they were supposed to have for school the next morning - something we could have gotten at the store when we went 17,311 times on the weekend
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While in the US Navy I was in Puerto Rico for a bit - and one night on TV I actually witnessed a Kung-Fu movie, in Japanese originally, but it had been dubbed over to English, and it had been dubbed AGAIN to spanish for viewing in Puerto Rico. That's a lot of dubbing.
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Silly Monkey Invention of the Day: Come on man - the toilet paper thing is silly - one roll doesn't last long and we all know it - with the Monkey Long-Lasting Toilet Roll (MLLTR) the toilet paper is on a VERY big roll, equaling about TEN of the normal rolls, and it's stored hidden inside the bathroom counter but dispenses by the toilet on the roll like normal.
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Note to self: In the future, when shaving, do it before a shower, razor stubble/whiskers which make their way into underwear makes for a long day

Those huge garden sheds at Home Depot look pretty darned cool - we got one. Comes in two boxes - 1,392 pieces, 17,391 screws. The sheets of metal looked at me as I unpacked them and said - "Monkey - your ass is mine - I will cut you to shreds". I laughed at the sheet metal, I laughed at danger. Today I grabbed a piece of the sheet metal and it sliced open my index finger - a deep gaping nasty cut - it dripped blood all over the place. It needed stitches, but I got it to stop bleeding and stay shut. I have it bandaged up. Mr. Sheet Metal, I hate you and your mother, from now on Mr. Sheet Metal I will call you a finger-slicing sheet-head.
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Silly Monkey Invention of the day: "The Monkey Comfort Cop Car" (MCCC) - I noticed that EVERY time a cop on TV puts someone into his back seat he says "Watch your head" and puts his hand on top of the arrested person's head so they don't bump it while sitting down. With the Monkey Comfort Cop Car the back seat's roof is 2 feet higher. Sure it looks stupid, but hell, we can't have criminals bumping their heads on cop cars can we?
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Why DID you leave the keys upon the table? "You wanted to!" is just not going to cut it mister
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: The people who decided that on every anglefire.com web page a pop-up will come up saying "Hosted by Anglefire"
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When my first son was born, he wasn't coming out like he was supposed to - it got scary and finally the doctor called for an emergency cesarean. (C-section) - I went in the operating room of course to watch, and found it all very interesting and exciting. UNTIL my son came out, when he did come out I saw a bluish-purple colored little monkey! WHAT!? I panicked - WHY is he blue?! As if that wasn't enough I actually HEARD someone in that OR mention the words "Cone Head". WHAT!? Sure enough my boy had a long cone-head shape to his head! Holy cow! One of the nurses must have seen the concern in my eyes and came over and told me he was bluish in color because he was being squeezed and having problems and his skin was oxygen deprived, and that his head was also squeezed tight and both his color AND his head would return to normal very soon and it wasn't a big concern. But I'll never forget that before that nurse told me these things, for a few seconds I remember thinking - well, this isn't good, but I LOVE him, blue skin or not, cone head or not, he's MY son, I will always love my blue cone head son! (well, luckily he's no longer a blue conehead baby - he's a white boneheaded teenager, but I still love him.)
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I've seen enough episodes of "COPS" to know a few things, I see who gets arrested the most. Black or white, if you're a guy, and NOT wearing a shirt - right there your odds aren't good, especially if you're wearing jeans and no shirt. From here your chances increase more if you've got more tattoos than teeth.
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A Chinese friend I worked with who could barely speak English was going to Mexico on a cruise ship. I spent a lot of time teaching him that in Mexico "Bendejo" means "friend" and he should use it often down that way. I was sitting in his cubicle and practicing it with him when another co-worker who has a Spanish wife heard our lesson and came in and spilled the beans. Can you imagine the nerve?

In my younger single days I introduced by a friend to this trailer-park girl and she shook my hand, when she did this one of her fingers came out somehow and tickled the palm of my hand - what the...!? The next day I asked my friend about this and he said "Dude that means a girl wants to DO you!" Wow and I thought she had some sort of muscle spasm or something! I wished I'd known about this signal - that's something my Mama never taught me! Mothers - please teach your sons this!
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What's cool about listening to foreign radio stations when you don't know the language is you get to pick out words you DO know - and you end up hearing things like: "Mamba-mo boo hay knee cow shin looka booka LED ZEPPELIN sheemabumba kowa kugaloo ran dooba OZZY OSBOURNE. Peepa-mocha katcha-pooka hooka dem lapper limama COCA-COLA seemi tagi porellallanip"
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"Red Red Wine" - the song (UB40) - " Red, red wine, you make me feel so fine. Monkey back and ease up on the sweet deadline. The line broke, the monkey get choked." Why did the monkey have to get choked? Who broke the line? Does PETA know about this?
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Word I miss hearing now that I no longer live down south: A gorilla is a "GO-rilla"
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Here in Montana there are tons of video gambling machines, in many gas stations, in many places. Sometimes I peek into these dark places and I'm always sorry when I do - in front of the machines are often very sad looking, very poor looking, unhealthy people with cigarettes dangling from their mouths - they POUR money into these machines. I'm not for banning gambling or "gaming" at all, but I wish someone with a bull horn would tell these sad people - "Step AWAY from the machine!!"
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I used to think washing car parts and engine parts in the dishwasher was a SUPER great idea! It gets them so clean, there's usually plenty of room in there - gaskets, hubcaps, nuts, bolts, ALL car parts that can fit - chuck 'em in the dishwasher! But did YOU know, it's NOT a good idea? You heard me - it's NOT a good idea! (I found this out from my wife) WHY is it not a good idea? How should I know I never question my wife!
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Blogs I'd like to see: A blog written in a language that nobody in THIS world understands
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Silly Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Jerk Killer 90" (NC-17) - the touching and true story of a environmentalist chemist experimenting with creating a better weed killer recipe. On his 90th attempt he finds his chemicals not only kill weeds in the lab - but several jerks in his company are found dead. He experiments and learns he can simply spray his chemicals in ANY building and within minutes any jerks within the building are dead. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same after seeing Jerk Killer 90.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped. That Carrot Top (AT&T) fellow.
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Silly Monkey Invention Of The Day "The Zoo Shield 3000" - Have you ever sat in a zoo's specially built glass viewing room, crowded with other zoo visitors, and as you're watching the monkeys or gorillas one of them starts picking his nose and eating it, or scratches his butt, plays with himself, eats vomit, or performs homosexual acts on another animal? The Zoo Shield 3000 senses when an animal is about to do something you can't explain to your young children, and a big curtain will fall quickly over the glass. After all, some of these primates act like...like...like ANIMALS!!

My son this morning says he wants to see Godzilla the movie. Just to mess with him I say - "I don't want you seeing that - Godzilla was even more of a terrorist than the 9/11 bombers. He destroyed more buildings and killed more people". My son thinks for a second or two about this and replies - "Maybe so - but he doesn't know any better though"
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Last night I dreamed I was swimming in a pool, and having a blast. I held my breath and went to the bottom, and while down there I "breathed in" water through my nose! It didn't seem to bother me and I remember thinking - "That's kind of cool - I never new we could breath in water!" - and I started back up to the surface and didn't have enough air and started to drown. I then thought - "Well, THAT was stupid of me to do - now I'm drowning!" I died - but that's all I know of the dream.
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Blogs the Monkey would like to see: "Prison Blog" - a daily blog by a prisoner in a maximum security prison. "Today I almost got shanked - but am carving my own shank out of my toothbrush and it will be complete tomorrow." "Was Carl's b*tch last night, why is he so demanding of me and so insensitive to my needs as a person!?" "Tried to get high today sniffing shoelaces soaked in apple juice - didn't work"
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Isn't it funny how we humans not only TALK to our animals, but often expect them to answer us back!? "You want some food? Huuuuhhh??" "Are you the pretty doggy? Hmmm? Are you!?" Mine have yet to answer back.
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When I went into US Navy Boot camp on the bus ride there I met up with a couple of guys I thought were pretty cool - and I remember thinking - "Cool - I've found two friends already" One had long brown hair and the other had reddish hair. We chatted the whole way to boot camp, but I never did find out their names. The next thing I know we were IN boot camp and there was no more chatting - soon after we were in the barber's chairs and got our heads shaved. I never DID find those 2 guys again - because the Navy transformed us - we all became alike, looked alike, sounded alike, thought alike, there were no long haired guys, there were no guys dressed in rags or guys dressed up nicely anymore, no guys with T-shirts of bands I also liked - we all became US Military guys - I gave up trying to figure out who those two guys were - and it hit home to me - the kids that went INTO Boot Camp ALL disappeared, including myself.
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I heard Vanilla Ice singing on the radio the other day - Ice Ice Baby - "Alright stop, collaborate and LISTEN, Ice is back with a brand new inVENTION!" he says - Mr. Ice - I ask you - what other kind of invention is there besides "brand new" inventions?
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Isn't it funny the things we choose to remember? For some reason I'll never forget sitting on a bus in elementary school waiting on it to leave, and overhearing the bus driver arguing with some kid behind her - he was waying that the penis has a BONE in it and she was saying that was bull. This argument seemed to go on forever - why can't I get that out of my head?
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When you're being a "sample bum" like I do in Costco and Walmart - taking all the free samples of food in little Dixie cups - do you feel obligated to at least pretend you're interested in the product? I do - I'll say - "Wow that IS good" - and look at the box sitting there as if I'm going to go and find it and buy more. Pathetic. And I know they think I'm full of it by my second or third time sampling the same thing.
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Fun to do: go to Bloggers main site: http://www.blogger.com/home, and look down at the column "Recently Updated" - there you'll find newly written, FRESH blogs - I've found some great blogs there that nobody seems to even notice or read!
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: Pimps that go around slapping people.

Speaking of doing laundry (We were don't worry) - It's sort of amusing why I'm FOREVER banned from doing any of my wife's laundry. Strike One was when I put some kind of weird angora sweater in the wash while doing her laundry. When I opened the dryer door later, I nearly choked. It looked as though some sort of small animal had been sacrificed to wolves in there! Srike two was when I washed something of my wife's and it came out shrunken so much that I then assumed it was one of the kid's shirts, and folded it and put it in with their clothes. And of course the most expensive articles of clothing are also the ones that require the most special care when washing. So that was it - there was no strike three for me - I was banned for LIFE from even touching any of my wife's clothes.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: People that think they're a hacker because they write like this: "Wuts up Monk3y dUd3!? h0w h4v3 U b3N!?"
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When I was a teenager there was a time when all the kids would use the word "trip" or a variation of it continuously. That's a word we don't hear much anymore. "He was trippin'" - "You're trippn'" - "I was trippin'" What happened to all the trippin?
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"We're so sorry, Uncle Albert, but we haven't done a bloody thing all day" - what in the HELL is this song about!?!?
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Random acts of kindness: pulling into a Taco Bell drive-thru in Texas, I noticed a sign there by the menu that said "SHOW YOUR PASS - and receive a free " I was thinking - man wouldn't it be great if I could cover the "P" in "SHOW YOUR PASS"? I mentioned this to the family and everyone agreed it'd be the right thing to do. However I was chicken. I thought perhaps there was a camera in the drive-thru lane and so I said no way. Out of nowhere my wife grabs a blank yellow sticky-pad note from the glove compartment, hops out of the car, and runs over and puts it over the "P". - so the sign now read - "SHOW YOUR ASS - and receive a free..." I was SO proud of her!
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Our minds - they're amazing aren't they!? I used to eat at Chili's a lot - and they had these big nice heavy glass drinking mugs. One day I went in and found they'd replaced them all with PLASTIC drinking mugs - which look just like the previous heavy glass ones. From then on out do you know how many times my mind told my arm to use more force in picking up those glasses - thinking they were still glass?
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If a person goes into a coma - in a way, isn't that like the mind's screen saver has kicked in and won't go off?
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It's fun to wave at someone coming towards you in their car - but wait until they're almost RIGHT up even with your car, this way, they quickly wave back, but you're long gone by then and they feel silly waving to no one. This either makes them chuckle or makes them mad - either way you've brightened a stranger's day.
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I'm thinking a cool tattoo to get would be one that looks like an old man's tattoo - I often see ancient WW II vets with very faded and blurry tattoos and it'd be cool to get one that way in the first place.
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My wife's always worried about what's practical. She says I'm not being "practical" when I say I think she should come to bed wearing stockings, garter belts, and 6-inch high heels. Women are strange aren't they?

# posted by Monkey : 9:22 PM

I have it figured out - if my wife asks me to do some of the kid's laundry while she's out; If I DON'T check each of their pockets, there WILL be an ink pen in them and it will RUIN other clothes and the dryer. (But I've already ruined it once - so can it be twice-ruined?) - however if I DO check their pants pockets, it'll take me 5 extra minutes and I'll find NOTHING.
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Medication time! Medication time! My step-father used to CHEW aspirin because he couldn't swallow it. How nasty is that? My step-son fills his mouth with drink, tilts his head back, drops the pill in, and swallows it all. I can't thank my Mom enough for teaching me the right way to swallow pills - you put them on your tongue, you take a swallow of a drink and at the same time throw your tongue back and the pill is gone. Like magic.
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Stupid Monkey Invention of the day: Enough of this taking the trash out already! With the "Monkey Bottomless Garbage System" (MBGS) - you simply throw your garbage into a HOLE in the floor of your house where there used to be garbage cans. The garbage goes to the basement where the MBGS machine sorts out recyclable material for pickup, burns flammable materials in an incinerator, puts biodegradable items in a mulch bin, calls the police automatically if you throw away any body parts, and puts anything else in a container, compacts it, and automagically calls the garbage company when it's full (which is only about once year) The cost - only $48,293.00 plus tax - please make checks payable to "Monkey Of Menlo Park"
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I enjoy the fact that older people tend to add the word "the" before any sickness or disease. It makes me smile for some reason. A man could get THE Cancer, or THE pneumonia. Also - some of our elderly don't say someone "got sick" - but rather they "took ill".
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Isn't it funny how when we first get a new computer - we vow NEVER to eat at the keyboard or drink coffee or soda anywhere near it. But later we allow ourselves to have drinks at the computer, but ONLY with lids. Soon we allow ourselves to eat at the computer, but only while not typing. After awhile the lids go away on the drinks, and we allow ourselves to eat at the computer, but only with one hand. Before you know it we're setting our drinks right next to the keyboard or on it, and when we type we just stick the sandwich in our mouths. Before you know it our computers are trashed just like our old ones and we vow - "My NEXT computer will be kept clean!" (This same logic works with new cars also)
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I read an interesting article with a good point: In the old days - (or as people like to say - "Back in the day") - in the 50's - (before the Monkey's time) when you went into a shoe store they had a machine to X-Ray your feet to measure the fit. (fluoroscope ) People would "zap themselves silly" with radiation and think nothing of it - they thought it was safe. We laugh at how crazy that was NOW, as we use our cell phones and microwave ovens. Perhaps our great grandkids will laugh at US one day.
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My kids stop up their toilet every 12.3 seconds in our house - and so there's a toilet plunger next to the toilet where it can be used. It sticks up higher than the toilet, and it scares me. What IF someone went to sit down on said toilet and missed and sat on the plunger handle. The fact that it COULD happen scares me even if the person would have to miss sitting on the toilet by about 2 feet.
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Our kids love the drink "Crystal Lite" in our house, and it has come to be called "Crystal Meth" (Okay I'll admit it - I started this silliness) - My mother-In-Law is NOT amused by our kids asking for more Crystal Meth at the table. But then what ARE Mother-In-Laws amused by?!

Billy Jack, Dirty Harry, Buford T. Pusser - all are TV/movie bad-asses. Have you ever noticed something about all famous bad-asses - they don't talk much. That's why it's funny to see a young man in a bar or wherever running his mouth non-stop and trying to be tough. If you want to be a tough guy keep your mouth shut.
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I visited the Lewis & Clark Caverns here in Montana over the weekend, and at one point in the cave tour, to illustrate just how dark the caves are, the tour guide shut out the lights and asked us all to hold one of our hands in front of our faces. Some punk says - "I can see MY hand!" It'd have been nice if someone had pimp-slapped him across the face before she turned the lights back on, but maybe Mr. Superpower "I can see in the dark" punk would've ducked?
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Southern women, all beautiful, have a way with words. Many are always polite - even when they don't mean it - and have ways of even NOT being polite but SEEMING polite. My dear Southern Mama can't stand a man that's going into the hospital for surgery, and told his concerned son - "Please tell him I'll be thinking about him" She told me later - "I didn't say WHAT I'd be thinking about him"
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Silly Monkey Invention Of The Day: "The Dead Files" - this monkey invention involves a little LED screen built into a person's headstone. The person has their whole life to enter in messages to leave behind to the world or to specific people to be displayed on their tombstone computer. Each day a new thought will pop up, but only one a day. Example, "To my sister, you know, I feel bad about the time I accidently walked in on you playing with yourself, but I always loved you anyway, and I miss you now that I'm dead", or "Thanks for visiting my grave, can you please pull up some of these dandelions?"
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My kids are scared to wake me up - I have a tendency to get a little violent when someone wakes me. (It only lasts for a few seconds and I've never seriously hurt anyone) My youngest won't wake me because once when he gently shook me to wake the monkey I grabbed his arm and squeezed it really hard. The older one won't wake me because once when he tried my hand went around his throat as if to choke him. So now they try and come up with "safe" ways to wake me. While camping this weekend one of them decides he'll shine a flashlight in my face. I told him there's GOT to be a better way - opening your eyes from deep sleep staring into a bright flashlight is ugly.
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Silly Monkey Prediction of the Day: In the future women and girls will come with software to run their hardware. Each morning they'll hook up a USB cable from their bodies into their computers. The software will come up:
> Good morning, are you interested in having a nice soft cushy bed in your womb on which a baby can grow this month?
> No
> Great - I have now shut down your PMS for this month. You're not interested in getting pregnant?
> No way
> Super - I'll see that you don't get pregnant. I have programmed your hardware - please have a great day and don't forget to unplug your cable before walking away from the computer.
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Do you ever see a hitchhiker with his thumb out along the highway that looks like a serial killer, and as you pass him by you say out loud in your car to nobody - "Yeah RIGHT - I'd give YOU a ride!"
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Wouldn't it be great if some reporter asked a famous actor or sports star a question about something political and the actor said "How would I know!? I'm just an actor man, it's all I can do to remember my lines - leave politics to politicians!" Or the sports star responded with "Iraq!? I don't know, I'm just a dumb overpaid jock - how should I know about Iraq?!"

I once went to a small Texas town's "circus" - a one-ring small operation, and over by the front of the tent there was a sign - "No Monkey Show Today - BoBo sick"
And so I tell my wonderful readers - "No Monkey Cage this weekend - Monkey gone away from the weekend"

I'm off to camp Lewis & Clark Caverns with my family, for a weekend of fighting and bickering, snoring, whining and crying.

(and that's just ME - no telling what the rest of 'em will do)

I'll be back on Sunday - I may not blog that day - but will on Monday. A HUGE HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all you Mothers out there! I hope it's a great one!

Please come back to visit the Cage on Monday!
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My Mother-In-law was in the car the other day and was carrying on like a madwoman about how terrible gambling was and how it was bringing in riff-raff to Montana and the people used to be a lot nicer before the gambling. I had to remind her that still in her hand was her lottery ticket we'd JUST got at a gas station.
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There's a sign in a trailer in our little small Montana town - my wife and I walked by and started getting curious - why would there be a sign in what looks like a bedroom window of a trailer? The other day we got up close enough to read it - and it read: "It's cuckin fold out there!" Strange sign indeed - but it made the monkey laugh. Someone obviously was snowbound one Winter and bored.
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Well I left Kentucky back in '49
and Went to Detroit workin' on the assembly line
The first year they had me puttin' wheels on Cadillacs
Every day I'd watch them beauties roll by
And sometimes I'd hang my head and cry
Cuz I always wanted me one that was long and black
Johnny Cash "One Piece At A Time"

Who's the clown that decided everything we buy in the stores has to be encased in that hard plastic shrink wrap that takes a small nuclear bomb to open? Bring him to me! Dead or Alive please. The ultimate slap in the face from him is when you buy a pair of SCISSORS that are in this packaging.
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The way to tell a TRUE Chinese buffet is by the signs over the food. If there are no plural words -you're in good shape. Over the spoons and forks the signs must say "Spoon and Fork" - over the String Beans - it should read "String Bean". Also the little tags should NEVER say "Fried Rice" - instead it should be called "Fry Rice". If you see anything plural - leave - it's not authentic.
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Stupid Monkey Movie Idea Of The Day: "Future Option Setting = Yes" (PG-17) - a young computer programmer (played by Paul Reubens) gets the shock of his life when he sets out to write the ultimate email program, and writes it so well that he includes a hidden special feature toggle setting - "Send emails to the future = Y", that allows users to send and receive emails from people up to 243 years into the future.
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I once went to Wendy's with a foreign friend to grab a bite. He speaks fair English but often doesn't understand what others are saying. He ordered his meal, and the rather large lady says "Would you like to Biggie-Size that?" He had no clue what she was saying and she had to repeat it - he still didn't understand what she was saying and she repeated it again. He looked at me and I stepped up and explained to him about "Biggie Size" - he later told me he thought she was saying "Biggie THIGHS" - seriously - and he was very confused. We kidded him later about American women offering him their biggie thighs. We told him America is a VERY friendly country.
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Stupid Monkey Invention Of The Day: "The Extreme Alarm Clock" - once we master human nerve endings and how they work, we should be able to create feelings on the skin by programming the brain. For really deep sleepers my alarm clock will have several different options: 1) Roach Wake - will simulate a giant cockroach crawling back and forth across the sleeper's face and head until they wake up 2) Fire option - feels as if you're being burned alive.
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Wives are SO handy to have around and save us men so much work - before I was married the only way I knew it was time to cut my toenails was when I would hear them click on the floor when I was barefoot. Now with being married - I don't have to listen for the clicking - my wife lets me know when they need cutting. It's so much simpler being married. I love it. I'm thinking it may be healthier too.
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I'm a Dr. Pepper fan, and have even visited Dublin, TX, where once a year the town's name is officially changed to "Dr. Pepper" and there's a big celebration. It was there that I had a hand-made Dr. Pepper made fountain style with real cane sugar - wow. It was there I learned that some folks used to drink Dr. Pepper HOT - they'd heat it to almost boiling, put a big slice of lemon in a cup and pour the hot Dr. Pepper over it and drink it. One of these days I'll try that.
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I get a spam that says "Hot women in your area want to meet YOU!" So SOMEONE'S put out the word that we have a really nice air conditioner in our house. Who did it!?
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Speaking of AC: A lesson I learned the hard way. If you're ever moving an air conditioner, DO NOT grab it by the coils to lift it - and if you DO, and one breaks, do NOT think you can use your hand and a piece of aluminum foil to stop the freon leak.
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One thing about the world of online porn - no matter WHAT your perversion - it's out there. If you only get off making love to Egyptian women dressed as munchkins sticking frozen crickets in your eardrum while calling you a filthy Orkin man you're likely to find a site/newsgroup that has that covered.
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Let me see if I understand this correctly - Google proudly says they Search 4,285,199,774 web pages in their search engine, it's probably one the most used site in the world, and they want to start a mail service and take care of our private emailing needs? You first?

The kids in my house seem to NOT NOTICE when they've stopped up the toilet. I don't know how they can miss it - but I'm a bit tired of going to pee and finding turds the size of small dogs blocking the toilet. Anyone want some kids? And does the back of my shirt say "Plumber"?
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A fun thing to say to your wife when she's pushing out your next critter - "Aww come on, it can't hurt THAT bad - stop being a big girl and just have the baby for crying out loud" They LOVE this! (not that I've ever tried it - YOU FIRST!)
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What'd the Monkey do today!? The Monkey volunteered to help brand calves with a local rancher - give 'em shots, put a band around the bull calve's balls, get peed on, get pooped on, get kicked, breath in burning flesh and smouldering fur . I figure by golly if I'm gonna live here in Montana I may as well do my part! We did somewhere between 50-70 calves today. I'll be all the better for it - but sore tomorrow I'm sure. A few good bruises from a few good kicks, but I lived.
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Brilliant Monkey Idea of the day - here in Montana and other states plagued by deer in the roads, where we hit them and do damage to our cars - I have an idea - from now on no matter where I go I'll drive 183 MPH - this way the deer may just disintegrate on the front of my car instead of causing damage.
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Stupid Monkey Invention Of The Day: "Kid Protector Game Cube Extension Pack" (KPGCCE) - plug this extension into your kid's Game Cube, when the Game Cube detects over 18 hours of non-stop continuous use, it will power itself down and put up a message on the screen to your kids - "Please step away from the Game Cube....thank you.....now Please go outside and get some sun...please go eat some food.....please clean up this room it's trashed you filthy pigs!!!"
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I happen to look at the billions of Viagra and Penis Enlargement spams today in my junk box, and one subject line caught my eye - "You have a small one! HAHA!"
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Thanks to any/all of you for the very nice voting on the "hot or not" deal - you kind folks put me at a 9.7!
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What do you call those little bits of fuzz and lint and dust that float around your house? Growing up, my mother called them "Leap Jeeps" - where the heck does THAT come from? Years later I heard someone call them "Ghost Turds" - now that I like.
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If my dog blogged - today's entry (and MOST days for that matter) would read:
* Woke up, went back to sleep
* Snored with my eyes open today to bother my owners
* Farted in the living room where everyone was watching TV, two of them had to leave the room it was so bad. I stayed. Fell asleep
* Sniffed the cat's butt - no real change since yesterday.
* Lay in the middle of the hallway on my back and slept, hoped to trip someone but it didn't work.
* When my owners fed me tonight I went over and stared at it like the food was poisoned.
* Slept and farted some more.
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My son is learning quickly for being so young. He asked his Mom what he wanted for Mother's Day - she says she's spent too much money lately on herself lately and doesn't need anything. He looks at me and says "Yeah RIGHT - she SAYS that NOW, I'm not gonna fall for it!" and rolls his eyes.
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My teenaged son runs his mouth continuously at the dinner table, and I sit beside him. I don't speak that much at my dinner table because I can't get a word in - but when he says something really stupid (about every 2.7 seconds) - I kick him hard under the table. Well last night he and his Mom decided to move things around - he now sits next to her and I'm on the other side of her.. He said something really stupid tonight and WHACK - I kicked my wife in the shin. Of course this sent everyone into hysterical laughter except for her. I'll pay for this later. But so will he.

My wife likes Clay Aiken, and has even recently downloaded some of his music. I'm thinking about divorce and may have to file soon.
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There was a kid in school who used to bring "Spanish Fly" pills to school, he was rather proud of them for some reason - and told us all how his Daddy gave the pills to his Mom. I always thought that was sort of odd.
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Stupid Monkey Prediction Of The Day: In the future we'll have robot type computers that sit at our desks - instead of actually coming to work, we'll be responsible for our robots - to make sure THEY do their work - each morning from home in our underwear we'll upload our instructions to our robots, If there's any problems with the workload our robots will page or email us to get further instructions. And these robots will NOT be invited to our office Christmas parties!
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I've been known to do an oil painting here and there, and so am inspired very much by the great master painters. Their work is SO beautiful, SO incredible, that I often wonder - what kind of home life did they have? What kind of sex life? What kind of friends did they have? The answer I'm afraid is probably very sad - but man they could paint!
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Stupid Monkey Movie Idea Of The Day: "Picture Switcher (PG-17)" - the touching, true story of what happens when a young teenaged hacker builds a program that switches web-page pictures from one site to another at random. Panic ensues as Porn pages have pictures of Levi's jeans, and Levi's jeans has pictures of porn stars in action. The ending to this movie is one that must be seen to be believed.
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I'd say one of the highlights of my life was when I was hospitalized and had to have my spleen taken out. I'd been in for days while they looked at other things, and I got to where I couldn't pee anymore! My bladder felt as though it would burst - but I couldn't! I had to actually ASK a nurse for a catheter. Yep - I ASKED for one - it was the only way I could pee. The nurse told me this was more common than you'd think - that it comes with being in the bed for so long that muscles get slack. She came over with a TRAINEE nurse to show HER how to put in a catheter. It took the trainee nurse more than one try to get it in.
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And guess what - when it comes to nurses and lesbians, we men (pigs) have decided in our heads that ALL nurses and ALL lesbians must be just incredibly beautiful - and we'll have nothing to do with REAL LIFE where they're not always.
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Have you noticed that more and more documentary type shows, after a commercial, feel they must REVIEW what's been covered previously? I know the commercials are long as hell and we might forget, but come on, it's nerve-wracking - assume we WERE watching your show before the commercial and we have a MEMORY
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Stupid Monkey Invention Of The Day (pt II) - "The one-row keyboard" - yep, instead of our normal keyboard configuration ALL the keys are in ONE row only - it'd be about 2-3 feet long this keyboard. And I'm not sure for what purpose it would serve. I just invent 'em I don't make sure they're sound.
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Well, the fellers ribbed me for bein' behind,
So I started to make that Lincoln unwind.
Took my foot off the gas and, man alive,
I shoved it down into overdrive.
Well, I wound it up to 110;
Twisted the speedometer cable right off the end.
Had my foot glued right to the floor;
I said, "That's all there is - there ain't no more.
Now the fellas thought I'd lost all sense;
The telephone poles looked like a picket fence.
They said, "Slow down, I see spots."
The lines on the road just looked like dots.

"Hot Rod Lincoln" by Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen
- lyrics copyright 1955, Charlie Ryan