Call me strange, (it's been done before), and this is an annoying habit according to my wife. But one of the first things I do when I check into a hotel/motel room is SEARCH THE PLACE! I search under the beds, I search up in the crawl space, under furniture, behind drawers, in drawers, in the pages of the Bible, I search everywhere! What am I looking for? I don't know - that's a good question - I've never found it so I can't say what it is I'm looking for but it's there somewhere!
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Back in the day, if you happened to peek into a school's teacher's lounge it looked like an AA meeting, clouds of cigarette and pipe smoke, teacher's drinking down coffee by the gallon. Peek into a Teacher's lounge these days and they're in there sipping Starbucks and watching TV.
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How do you like when folks on television give their web site address and proceed it with "WWW" - that personally drives me nuts - why don't they also say the "HTTP COLON BACK-SLASH BACK-SLASH" part!?
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Who are you boneheads across America that keep shooting holes in highway signs, stop signs, etc.!? Are you nuts!? I'm driving down those roads fool!
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Now that we have cell phones with cameras built in, now that we have digital cameras, now that we have small camcorders - have you noticed not so many people see UFO's anymore. What happened people!?
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My kids enjoy the heck out of this joke but my wife doesn't like it for some reason:
Q: Why do women put on make-up and wear perfume?
A: Because they're ugly, and they stink.
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People that need to be pimp-slapped: People that are SO cotton-pickin' lazy in my house they'll NEVER eat the last of ANYTHING in a cabinet or the fridge because it means they'll actually have to walk over and open a cabinet and put the empty box/carton into the garbage can.
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I knew this kid in high school who was a nice enough guy, but ALWAYS stoned out of his mind. One year he didn't return from Summer Vacation, and we learned he'd DIED - he had taken a summer job working at a construction site, and was down in a pit and somehow was buried alive! What a terrible way to die. I wondered if he was stoned at the time, I'm sure he was, and I wonder also if perhaps that may have attributed in some way to his accident?
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Have you ever met what I call an "LOL addict"? It's very sad - I once made the mistake of firing up AIM (Instant Messenger - it's NOT to use - it's only something to have on your computer - if you open it you'll be sorry!) - and my son's girlfriend popped up and the "chat" went something like this:

SUGARSWEET13: LOL is this ____? (All teenaged girls on IM have nicknames like this)
MONKEY: No - he's not here right now - this is his father
SUGARSWEET13: LOL I see LOL no it's not!
MONKEY: It really is his father - I'll tell him you tried to reach him
SUGARSWEET13: LOL kay LOL is this reely his Dad LOL?
MONKEY: Yes it sure is - sorry you missed him
SUGARSWEET13: LOL
MONKEY: Okay then try him later.
SUGARSWEET13: LOL whan will he b bak? LOL
MONKEY: Probably in about an hour - he went to visit a friend and then I have some chores for him to do before he gets back online.
SUGARSWEET13: LOL chores :-(
MONKEY: Okay then, well, try him later.
SUGARSWEET13: LOL
MONKEY: Okay then. Goodbye.
SUGARSWEET13: 'kay bye LOL

At this point I closed out that session SO fast and vowed NEVER to open it again! NEVER!!

A friend at work told a hilarious story of how she went outside one night, and her kitty was out on the front steps. The kitty wasn't SUPPOSED to be on the front steps, so she picked it up to bring it in. She had it up in her arms and got a better look and feel - it was a SKUNK! Everyone laughed with her and at her when she told this story. Luckily the skunk didn't spray her!
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Someone mentioned Kentucky once to a friend and he laughed. "What's so funny about Kentucky!?" we asked. He told us being in a bar once and there was a drunken lady there with HUGE breasts. Someone had asked her where she was from, and she had taken her huge breasts and sort of slammed them down on the bar and yelled "I'm a f*cken Kentucken!" So of course now he can't hear the word Kentucky without thinking of this interesting lady.
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Have you noticed almost every city has a "Kiss FM" station? Have you noticed radio stations all have crazy animal names - "The Wolf", "The Eagle", "The Bear"?
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Stupid Monkey Invention Of The Day: Your bedroom or living room "knows" how much everything in it weighs, including you, and so when you leave the room the weight is lowered obviously - this pauses the television/VCR/DVD until you get back, automatically. No more hitting the stop or pause button to go to the bathroom. After all, that's a LOT of work!
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My dear late Grandmother smoked, ALL THE TIME, and when I was young I never even really noticed. But years later after she's gone it really stands out - in EVERY photo of her she has a cigarette in her hand or in her mouth. In every birthday party or Christmas movie she's smoking. In one video she's even cutting a birthday cake, with a cigarette in her mouth and a huge long ash hanging dangerously off it over the cake.
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People I want to pimp-slap: People who seem to think that when they eat all the eating sounds stay within their own mouths and the rest of us can't hear these pigs.
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Crazy Monkey Invention Of The Day: (okay it's the 2nd one but who's counting) Why are still changing lint filters out of our dryers in this day and age? Why are we still throwing in those crazy fabric softener sheets? That's insane - the "Amazing Monkey Lint Sucker Dryer" (AMLSD) actually will not ONLY shoot into the dryer a fresh dryer sheet automatically when you close the door, but it suck out the lint from the filter after each dryer load. Not only that, but it saves the lint, when it has enough collected, it will ignite the lint ball and burn it. Only thing is it catches all your clothes on fire when it does this, so maybe the world's not ready for this yet.
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Okay I'll fess up - the only real reason I lift weights and get these muscles is so that one day I can go to the beach and find a 90 pound weakling and kick sand in their face. This will force them to go home and kick over furniture and read Charles Atlas and get in shape - so I'd be helping out folks right?
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Wouldn't it be so very special if you saw in your backyard a big rock, and when you moved the rock, underneath you found a cave. And you jump down into this cave and find a huge underground world of caverns and underground streams and miles of exploring to be done, and you're the only one in the world who knows of this cave? To me what's below our feet is almost as special as space.

The case of the 20-second play-toy. My brothers and I on one of our journeys found a gun! Yep -a real gun - fount it out by the street in someone's yard for garbage pickup. (That's probably stupid to do, but this person did it). We took it home and decided to be good, honest boys and show the gun to my Step-Dad. He inspected it to make sure it was safe, and we begged him, please, PLEASE can we keep it and play with it!? Don't ask me why - probably because the gun was damaged and harmless, he said we COULD play with it, but ONLY in our own yard, and we were NEVER, EVER to point it at ANYONE! So we took this gun out in the yard to play with it. I had the gun first, and went running around the house, rounded a corner and pointed it - AT MY STEP DAD. "FREEZE!!!" I said. And just like that, the gun was confiscated. (yes my brothers were angry)
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Aren't gifts that kids get each other and their parents just the greatest? Of all the gifts, I'll never forget a rubber green FROG soap holder I bought for my mother once on her birthday. I probably got it at a yard sale for a few cents. But she STILL HAS IT - and treasures it! Just goes to show I guess, it's the thought that counts for sure.
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Speaking of gifts, one of my brothers (I have many) one year thought it would be funny to get another brother a birthday card from the black card section. Most card shops have your standard "white cards", and they also have a section that features pictures and photos of Blacks. So after that it became a tradition among us brothers to always get black cards for each other.
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There was once a little girl who had a father that was an alchoholic, and he'd be plastered every night but this little girl, like many children, never realized this. One night as they watched the news, he sat in his chair drinking and she sat beside him. A story came on about a litter of cute little puppies that needed homes. The little girl begged her drunk father - "Please Daddy please can we go get one!?" And he said - "Sure - we can get one - we'll go in the morning" The little girl could hardly sleep that night in her excitement of getting a puppy the next morning, and what little sleep she did get was filled with dreams of a new cute puppy. When morning came she was already dressed and ready to go when her father got out of bed. "Let's go Daddy and get one of those puppies!" He was hung-over, like every morning. "WHAT puppy!?" he growled. She reminded him about the news and the puppies that needed homes and how he said the could get one. He laughed - "Hell no we're NOT getting any damned puppy!" He didn't even remember. This girl was SO heartbroken. I know this girl, she's grown now, and this happened to her. This happens all across the world every day.
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Seen in a teacher's classroom on the wall: "Nananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started. " - I nearly fell over laughing - I thought I was the only one who didn't know when to quit spelling bananana!
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Marines can be funny. I was in the Navy - and often interacted with Marines. They guarded a place where I worked, and one day when I walked outside I obviously walked into a bit of a Marine verbal firefight. "I'm gonna come over there in about 10 seconds and KICK YOUR ASS!!!" yelled one more senior Marine to another one down the way. It was quiet for a bit after that, until a third Marine yelled over to the first one "Sergeant? It's been 10 seconds!" I got the hell out of there.
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A friend that had a pet Cockatoo put it in the window often where it could look outside. He then trained it to say "Birdy" when it saw other birds outside. I thought this was pretty cool, but even cooler: One day a fly had got into his house and was flying around his Cockatoo's head. The Cockatoo saw the fly and said "Birdy"
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Stupid Monkey Invention Of The Day: The skin-shedding keyboard. Tired of keyboards that become grimy and nasty because you're too much of a slob to wash your hands and not eat at the keyboard? The Amazing Monkey Skin-Shedding Keyboard (AMSSK) comes with "layers" like skin, and once a month a layer sheds itself like a snake shedding its' skin. One night you go to bed with a nasty keyboard, and the next morning it looks like new again. (Now come on slob - pick up that dead keyboard skin off the floor!)

We're going camping with my Mother-In-Law - her idea of camping? A trailer - with a stove, microwave, beds, shower, fridge, freezer, TV, radio, heater and air-conditioning. I'm trying to tell her - "We're doing all that NOW in the house - we're CAMPING, we don't have to go anywhere!!!"
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One of my favorite superheros is "The Thing" - you know him, he's orange colored and made of rock - and, like all good superheros, he wears pants - blue pants. I can't help but wonder - is the Thing's "thing" usually hard as a rock? Does he get a "woody"?
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Is it a REQUIREMENT that if you work in a computer store selling computers and equipment that you've got to be a snobby pretentious jerk?
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I only found out recently that "Tether ball" is actually a real game. Nobody in redneck land where I grew up knew this - we thought it was a ball on a rope that you're supposed to try to whack as hard as you can, and if the rope caught someone's neck and wrapped around it and strangled them it was 2 points
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People I want to pimp-slap: People that sit down with a newspaper, and start reading off "interesting" articles to others in the room, telling us the weather, our horoscope, the headlines. If I wanted to read the paper I'd read the paper!
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When I was a kid many other kids in our neighborhood would "huff" lighter-fluid to get high. Once a neighbor kid was sitting around huffing, and he was EIGHT years old - I'm serious. He got high from that, and I saw him get up and chase his brother around the room - he slipped on something, probably because he was high, fell, and smashed his head into the CORNER of a coffee table. I hear you - you're saying - "Monkey - what kind of good wholesome moral lesson can we learn from this kid?" The lesson to be learned is if you're going to be killing brain cells by the millions and aspire to have permanent brain damage by huffing lighter fluid or other potentially fatal inhalents, sit DOWN and stop running around the house or by golly you're gonna get a time out mister!!!
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I do recreational bodybuilding, and yesterday had many pounds over my head in a military press, trying to squeeze out one more rep, just ONE more, and I detect a shadow in the door (I forgot to close it) - then a voice of one of the members of my family - "You workin' out?"

Fear can make us hate, hate can make us do bad bad things. I've always been afraid of snakes. Once I had a shovel in my hand and happened to be standing around where a snake came up, it also happened to be in a stable with horses around, so the snake had to die. I took the shovel and gladly killed the snake. And because I was so SCARED of the snake, I chopped him in half, and then again, and again, and again, and I chopped him up into MANY little pieces. It was literally overkill! I recently was watching a crime-type show, FBI FILES or something of that nature, and a person was found hacked up very very badly. The detective explained that when someone's hacked up that many times, there was a lot of emotion involved, fear, or hate, or a little bit of both.
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We don't know how small, slow, dingy and grimy our computers ARE until we get a NEW computer and put them side by side! I found that out the other day!
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Have you ever known someone that in EVERY single photograph of them their eyes are either closed, or they have RED EYE? I don't think there's ONE picture of my older brother that turned out well.
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I used to work for a company that would fly us first-class and Business class. The seats and room are nice, but holy cow it's like staying in the hospital - you don't SLEEP because they're always coming around making sure you're comfortable, asking if you need a drink, bringing hot wet wash clothes to wipe off with, etc etc! And you can't sleep in Coach class because you're jammed into your seat - nobody sleeps on airplanes!!
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Stupid Monkey Invention(s) of the day. 1) Blog shirts - we start putting our blogs on tee-shirts and wearing them each day. 2) BlogTV a new channel on TV - nothing but blogs - use your remote to navigate through them.
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Silly things Monkey has said category: I was once turning in a rental car in the airport. The lady behind the counter was very nice and polite, and after I was paid up and about to walk away to go find my gate, she says - "Have a nice flight!" And I hollered back - "Thanks - you too!" DOH!!
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Have you noticed when you go to the doctor's office it takes about forty minutes to be seen, but they try and make us THINK it's going quickly and they're moving along by letting us first stand at a reception desk for 10 minutes, then in a waiting room for 10 minutes, then they call us into the doctor's inner-waiting room for 10 minutes, then we get called into an examination room to sit for 10 more minutes. (Usually at this point we're to strip down to our undies and sit on a stupid table thing covered in a sheet of paper. _____________________________
Speaking of doctor's office waiting rooms. YOU CAN - but I'm not reading ANY of their magazines - do you have any idea how many sick, sick, pus-oozing, infected, disease-bearing people have sneezed on those pages? Coughed on those pages? Blew their noses and flipped through the pages of those magazines?!
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Monkey's Stupid Movie Idea of the day: "I DON'T WORK CHEAP" (PG-17) - the true story of a man who campaigns to be President of the United States, and is elected. But once elected he turns down the job - because he was actually thinking it would pay a little more than it does, and he could use some more money

Pet owners - have you ever gotten out of bed, ready to seize the day - and stepped, barefoot, into a big, huge, cold pile of dog or cat vomit? It's not a good way to wake up
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My wife decided that we were going to go the cloth diaper route with our baby. This was fine with me - sounds like a good plan - until I learned that you have to WASH THEM manually! Yikes! At first I tried - I really did - I'd wash them in the sink, wash all the poop out of them, etc. It was terrible. But later I got lazy and with the poop diapers I'd take them in the yard, lay them in the grass and use the hose with the sprayer and try to spray it all away. And still later with the pooyp diapers I started just throwing them away out in the big garbage bin outside. So pretty much every poop diaper I'd throw away, yeah this cloth diaper business ain't so bad, if you simply throw away the bad ones! :-) Soon however my wife starts saying - "I KNOW we had more diapers than this! What is happening to them!!?"
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Did you ever look at the crazy ads in the backs of comic books - they always promised magical cool things like X-Ray Glasses, Sea Monkeys, and more. I admit I loved to look at all the cool stuff back there - and it was so cheap!
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I grew up poor white trash and we had very little money and too many kids. Therefore our dinners (and lunches) consisted of TONS of Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches. There were a lot of us boys so that's what we'd eat. My step-dad would often fix our supper. Now I'm not a big fan of "the heel" in a loaf of bread. But that SOB seemed to almost make SURE that out of all of us, I had at least one heel on my sandwich, and sometimes even TWO heels - on one sandwich! I was disgusted with him for a long time about this - because over and over again I'd get heels, heels, heels! This went on for too long and I never said a word - finally one day I sat down and looked at my sandwich with the heel and asked my brothers - "Anyone else want the heel?" My step-dad stopped his sandwich making and looked up - "You don't like the heels?" I answered - "Well - NO, I hate them really". He then told me one of the other brothers had told him long ago that I LOVED the heels and wanted them! So all this time he'd been making sure I got heels! Lesson learned: maybe STOP someone if they're doing something strange you don't like, question it! To this day when I see a heel I think of all of the countless heels I ate.
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Monkey Invention idea of the day - bottles that dissolve, into thin-air, but ONLY after they're empty. That way you can have a beer, and leave the bottle anywhere you want around your hose - by morning it's vanished.
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"Like vs. Lack" - more fun with language in North Carolina. In parts of North Carolina, the word "lack" is pronounced as in "like" - (for some reason) I learned this the hard way - I was in Boy Scouts and was given a one week deadline to complete work on my "Citizenship Meret Badge" by my Scoutmaster. When the week was up my mother drove me to his house and I met with him, we were to go over everything I'd done. We sit down and he says - "So, what do you like on this meret badge assignment?" (but as noted - he was saying - what do you LACK on it) And I proudly said "all of it" he said - "WHAT!? EVERYTHING!?", and seemed to be angry. "You actually came here and are telling me you like ALL OF IT!?" I was getting confused now - was I not supposed to like this stuff!? But he was mad. Luckily he re-phrased and said "So show me what you HAVE done!" - and I showed him all of my completed work. He then thought I was some sort of freak.
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I'll never forget the first time my son actually found Jesus, and Jesus put both my son and myself on the right path one day:
I was driving around in Texas with my son, lost, as normal, and so I pulled into a gas station to ask directions. A Mexican came out of the garage, covered in grease, and stood by our car and I got directions from him. As I drove away my little son says "That was JESUS?!" He actually read the Mexican's name patch on his uniform and recognized the name Jesus.

There's something that turns me on hearing a woman say the word "panties" - what is THAT about?!
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Something I find VERY hard to do - to go to a movie and NOT eat popcorn. I have tried more than once - my wife will say - "We're going out to dinner after the movie - save your appetite - don't eat the popcorn!" - but I CANNOT, even though it DOES cost 17 bucks for a small bag of it. And when I stand up I'm such a pig that all the popcorn on my lap and my shirt flies into the seat in front of me.
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I joined Provance because I thought it might be fun - after about a month on it - I'm starting to have my doubts. The problem is, the sites you must go visit and comment on are USUALLY those sites I can't stand - the ones that have HUGE graphics and big fancy layouts but the blogger says "Not much to say today, hung out with friends, made a new layout" - and it's hard to comment on them. I may drop Provance like a bad transmission.
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Speaking of panties - I don't care for those hip-hugger type 60's pants at all on women - but (butt?) I DO like when they're worn so that we pervs can JUST see a bit of panties there in the back. Thanks ladies!! (Okay that's the 2nd time I've mentioned panties in today's blog - I better watch it.)
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Stupid Movie Idea Of The Day: "BORROWED TIME" (PG-13) - the touching and true life story of a man who moves from town to town and person to person, borrowing money, but never paying any of it back. He borrows from strangers and borrows small amounts, but he does it all day long and keeps moving.
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I have learned from video games that if you're ever taken hostage, it's going to be in a warehouse, and there's gonna be about 40 hostage-takers and only one of you. When the police show up - and there'll only be ONE of them - you're to break free and run around like a chicken. But make sure to run around like a chicken in between the hostage takers and the cop. And don't worry - if you DO get shot a big skull will appear above your head to let the cop know he shot a good guy.
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I know NOTHING about sports - football, baseball, basketball, almost any sport with "ball" in the name I know nothing about or care even less. I have found that if you're a GUY, which I am - that other guys ASSUME you watch football, and if you don't - well then you MUST be gay. During football season guys will say stuff to me like "How 'bout that Roger Greenly throwing that 90 yard pass last night huh!?" I'll usually just say - "Didn't watch it". Or out of the blue on the elevator a guy will say to me - "What do you think the Steeler's odds are after last night?" . If I say - "I don't care about football" - they'll say "oh...okay" and step back from me because they're worried I'll make a pass at them.
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When someone dents another person's car in a crowded parking lot - they'll go to their own car and start writing a note to leave on the person's windshield. Everyone says "awwww, ain't that nice!" - but I think they're only writing:
"Hey everyone's looking at me writing to you, so I better play this off. Yeah - they're thinking I'm a nice guy. But I'm not - so long SUCKER!"

My wife and I got us a baby-sitter one night and headed for the movies. (In the big city of Dallas - not here in Montana) I can't remember what movie it was, but during the previews a BABY in the front of the theater was crying. Everyone in the theater hoped this was only temporary, but it wasn't. The movie started - the baby cried - loudly - "wahhh! WAAAAHHHH!" It's parents just sat there while everyone fidgeted uncomfortably because we were all missing the opening scene.
"Wahhh! WAAAAAHHHH!" It continued. Everyone watched and the parents just sat there doing nothing.
FINALLY a lady up in the back of the theater yells down to the parents - "Do you mind taking that baby outside please"
And from the mother of the baby "I ain't taking MY baby ANYWHERE!"
From the lady in back: "Nobody in here can hear because of your baby - take it outside!"
Mother: "I don't really care bitch!"
Back: "Who are you calling a bitch...BITCH!!"
Mother "I'm callin' YOU a bitch!"
(Keep in mind the mother of the baby is in the front of the theater, and the lady yelling for us all is in the BACK of the theater)
Back: "Well why don't you come up here bitch and let's go!"
Mother: "I will bitch - I'll meet you halfway even!"
At this time a LOT of the theater had started leaving - not wanting to risk someone pulling out a gun and shooting, and everyone was headed for the lobby and the manager's office. My wife and I left too. I didn't want to - I really wanted to see what kind of fight this was going to be - but my wife pulled me out of there. The manager called the police and they went in to see the two "ladies". They wouldn't start the movie over for the rest of us - but did give us tickets to come back another time.
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There's something to be said for the Mongolian Grill. Wow I love eating there, piling up my bowl up to the ceiling and watching them cook it up - it's good, cheap food and a good price. At first I was not getting enough - and then I watched how the college kids did it - you gotta stack your bowl up to the ceiling man!!
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What would it be like to turn on the radio and have a whole station where they sing songs of praise to YOU!? I used to listen to a shortwave radio station (yep I'm a geek) where it was never-ending songs about (then) North Korean leader Kim Il Sung and his son - song after song, performed by what sounded like school children. Wouldn't that be great - if you're feeling down or unimportant, or having a bad day - you just tune in a station where they sing about how great YOU are - next thing you know you're happy again!
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" In the Big Rock Candy Mountain
The cops have wooden legs
The bulldogs all have rubber teeth
And the hens lay soft-boiled eggs
The box-cars all are empty
And the sun shines every day
I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow
Where the sleet don't fall and the winds don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain."

excerpt from "Big Rock Candy Mountain" - attributed to Harry "Haywire Mac" McClintock
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Have you ever seen the movie "The Deer Hunter"? In the Navy we'd play "The Beer Hunter" - but instead of a gun we'd shake up one beer in a six-pack and then mix them up so no one knew which one was shaken. Then each drunken Navy fool would pick one beer and open it - right up next to their face. Someone's face would get blown away in beer and we could all have a laugh at someone else's expense - which is all that matters.
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People I want to pimp-slap: People that speak like normal folk when it's day-to-day - but when they get into a meeting suddenly start using those insanely aggravating buzzwords like: "Core Competency", "Dialog With..", "On Board", "Empowerment", "proactive", "Take Ownership", "touch base with",...speak English (#@*head

Why is it that when I put a lid on my coffee cup, I don't knock over my coffee, but when I DON'T put a lid on the coffee cup I spill it?! Is this some sort of conspiracy? What gives?
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I have discovered something interesting. If there is a yard in a neighborhood that is always well-groomed, and then suddenly the yard goes to hell; the grass needs cutting, the weeds are coming up, the bushes and hedges aren't trimmed, etc, what happens next is that you learn the couple within the house are getting divorced. You can almost bank on it.
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I once rented the movie "HOLLOW MAN" - I'd seen a commercial and thought the special FX looked good. I put in the movie, and I watched, and it seemed really strange at first - it didn't look good at all and seemed to be taking some sort of religious twist. People were disappearing left and right in this movie - which I thought was interesting, but I still wondered how that was going to lead to the cool Hollow Man I'd seen in the previews. Finally about halfway through the movie I ejected it and looked - turns out I was watching LEFT BEHIND! I was upset - but I couldn't help but think some poor joker was sitting down to watch LEFT BEHIND with his family and instead was getting HOLLOW MAN
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Monkey Invention Idea of the Day: "Health-toilet" - when you use your toilet and flush it a sample is taken and analyzed - all your levels are checked within a second or two and a quick health report is provided on a screen.
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My how technology changes everything. When I was little I found 8 mm porno tapes of my step-fathers. If he wanted to watch a dirty movie in those days he couldn't just download them like folks these days - no, he'd have to get out his huge film projector, actually set up a screen, wind the movie onto the reels, just to watch grainy black and white movies. Poor fellow.
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I saw a funny sign at a pool once - it read "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it, we like to keep it that way"
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My grandmother was wonderful, but she didn't take anything from anyone. She was in bad health and looked older than she was. Once I was with her at the store and the fellow at the layaway counter asked her - "How would you like to sign up for our senior citizen discounts?" - and with a straight face she told him - "How would YOU like a fat lip?"
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While in the Navy a buddy of mine had his girlfriend fly out to visit him. He put her in a cheap hotel outside of the base and found he had to do duty the first night of her stay and was worried. He offered me a six-pack if I'd go over and stay with her so she'd be safe in that ratty hotel. I accepted - back then beer was as good as money to me. There was only one bed, so she slept in the bed and I slept on the floor. No sooner had she turned out the lights when in the room next door a couple began to have VERY loud and vocal sex. The walls were thin and we could hear everything. This couple kept up their fun for a LONG time. It was a very uncomfortable laying there on the floor next to a bed with my best friend's girl listening to wild sex complete with screaming and lots of moaning and groaning in the dark. And it wasn't worth a six-pack either.

Some in England laugh at us Americans ("Yanks") about a lot of the terms we use in our speech. For instance - they find it amusing that we say "Tuna Fish" - yep they'll laugh through their bad teeth and proclaim "Mate what other kind of Tuna IS there? - why do you yanks say 'Tuna FISH'!?" Okay they DO have a point. But ask THEM why they say they'll do something in "three days TIME" - isn't three (or whatever number) days made up of TIME!?
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I am a "recreational bodybuilder" - (I don't compete but have a hobby of building muscle). And for the longest time I have drank down one gallon of water a day - I find it does great things for my health. I fill up an empty gallon milk carton full of water in the morning, and drink it all day and I don't go to bed until it's empty. The next day I fill it up and do it again. Recently I noticed the water was a sort of greenish color. "Hmmm" I thought, "That's odd!" - but the milk jug top/lid was green, and so I thought it was simply some sort of reflection of that cap into the water. And since I'd already rationalized why the water appeared green, little did I know it WAS green! My wife happened to see my jug o' water one day - "Why the hell is your water GREEN!?" she asked. "Oh that..." I said, like a dumbass, "it just LOOKS green because of the green cap". She came over, took the green cap off the jug and took it away. "NOW what color is it the water?" she asked. Yikes! - it was green - I'd been drinking GREEN WATER!! My wife explained the plastic jug must have gotten an algae buildup, she also explained to me that THIS is the kind of reason men aren't always that great at taking care of kids.
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She may be right (she always is) - when I lived alone (luckily for a short time) - with no wife and kids, I lived in a small apartment, just me and a cat that I had. I once cooked TWO steaks for my dinner, and to keep this cat from getting one steak while I ate the other, I put one steak on a plate, and stuck it up on top of my kitchen cabinet, way out of reach from this cat. I then ate my steak, fell asleep, and, you guessed it, forgot all about the steak up on the kitchen cabinet. Days passed, and the whole apartment began to REEK and I couldn't figure out why. I stopped eating in the house, I couldn't. It was bad. I started to think someone had hidden a body under the apartment or maybe next door there were bodies. I even considered moving out of the apartment. I hated that stinky apartment. Then ONE day I was in there long enough to notice a kitchen light bulb had blown out, I stood up on the counter to change it - and saw nasty decomposed stinking steak up there on a plate. Bingo! - the case of the stinky apartment was closed. But my point is - maybe some guys (and gals too!) - just aren't meant to live by themselves.
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My dog has a big nice dog bed in our bedroom on which to lay her aging bones - and when she's needed to be out of the way we can say to her "Go get in your bed!" - and she knows what this means and goes to get in her bed like a good girl. I did some experimenting one day with her - and found that I can make her leave whatever room she's in and go get in her bed also by looking at her and yelling
"I wish you were DEAD!!!" - or -
"Go give some HEAD!!!!"
"Go lay on your HEAD!"
It goes on and on. Okay I'll admit - this is strange....but fun!
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Speaking of China (we were) - I was telling my kids how there's SO many people in China, so many people you just wouldn't believe it. Soon I got carried away (can you imagine?) - and started spinning tall tales to them. (That I doubt they believe but they love it!) I tell them ONE family in ONE room of an apartment in China could easily contain about 120 kids. I tell them there's SO many kids in China that in shops and factories it's easier and quicker to find a person than a broom or mop and they so actually turn each other upside-down and use their hair to mop up spills and sweep. I tell them that there's SO many people in China that when folks drive their cars around they just can't help but run over hundreds of other people each day! Of course they know better - and I know better - but it's all good fun.
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While out to eat, sitting in a booth, my two kids pull out one of those folded paper triangle "footballs" and start "kicking" it back and forth across field goals they make out of their hands! I couldn't believe it - just like when I was a kid!
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I went on a field trip with my son's school, and on the bus what do you think those kids did? I'd say almost HALF pulled out SOMETHING electronic to do for the long drive. I'm talking they had the GameBoys, they had iPods, one kid even had a DVD player and he and a few around him watched a MOVIE!
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Stupid Movie Idea of the day: "PENNY DAY (PG-13) - all hell breaks loose in the United States when the Treasury Department declares an upcoming "penny day" - in which all pennies are to be worth 12 cents each.

Isn't it odd how different things bother different people? My wife can't STAND to see a guy with those hair implants - she says it grows out of their heads in ROWS like a doll's hair! I must not pay attention - I'd never notice such a thing
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Older brothers have a tendency to mess with younger brother's heads. My older brother told us when we were little guys that when you call Information on the phone, that it was their job to answer ANY question you had - THAT'S why they're called information. He claimed if you asked them how long to cook a pizza and at what temperature, they'd know. Whatever you asked - they knew. What temperature is the Sun? Anything. We were playing around one day with our friend electricity and blew a fuse in the house. Mama was on the way home from work - we had to get this fixed ASAP or get in trouble. That's when I said - "We'll just call information and ask what to do!" - my older brother just said "no." "But...but..they'll KNOW!" I cried. That's when he told me the truth about information.
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Sometimes before someone knows my son is my STEP-son - they'll say "Oh my gosh - you two look just alike! He has your eyes!" After that I can't really make a fool of them and tell 'em my kids are step-critters.
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Monkey Invention of the Day: With credit to Mrs. Monkey. Dog bowls filled with dog food are closed with lids. The dog approaches his dish and his electronic tag opens his dog bowl and his only by reading his dog tag, which opens the dish cover in the same way an electronic gate pass opens a gate. The dog dish cover stays open while the dog is eating and near it, when he retreats the dish closes once again. This keeps the dog's food fresh, and keeps other dogs from eating his food. Patent pending as they say.
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In North Carolina be aware they use the word "et" - to mean the past-tense of "eat" - when my family first moved to North Carolina I had a friend named Randy. When I got to school we would go eat our breakfast together, but sometimes separately. One day Randy arrived late to school and found me on the playground - "Have you et yet?" he asked. I asked. "Have I WHAT?" - he got angry - "Have you ET YET!!!?" - I said - "Have I et!?" "YES!" he growled - "Have you et!?" I told him - "You lost me Randy - I don't understand". Randy had a short temper and grabbed me by the back of my head and pointed my head to the school cafeteria and screamed - "You see that building down yonder - have you been in there, sat down and ET!!!!!!?" I got the picture - and have never forgotten the patient vocabulary lesson. Perhaps "et" isn't a "real word" though - I tried it years later playing scrabble and not only got laughed out of town but it wasn't in the dictionary when they challenged me. Thanks a lot Randy.
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If I sold Viagra online, I don't think I'd send out a billion spam emails a day like the others. The competition is too stiff.
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Stupid Movie Idea of the day: "Spam Killer (R) - The FBI thinks they have a just another serial killer on their hands when they discover the shocking link - all those killed are men and women behind spam emails sent to the killer's (played by Paul Reubens) inbox, who tracks down company CEO's around the globe and murders them when he gets email.
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A best friend when I was younger had a father who was a severe alcoholic. And when I would come to visit my friend before they'd answer the door I could hear the family inside picking up this drunken fool father and stuffing him into other rooms. Once I think he was even in a closet off of the foyer because I could hear noises inside it while I visited. A few times I would see the back end of this friend's father before the mother and other kids stuffed him into a closet or escorted him down the hall. Here I was, didn't even HAVE a father around, and this friend HAD one and they hid him! I thought it'd be better to have a father you hid like a bad secret than no father at all - but I don't think they thought so.
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What do you think China is like? I picture China as being a LOT like the North Pole - with toys just EVERYWHERE you look!!! After all, pick up ANY toy in your house and see where it was made - China!!!!
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When I got a tick on my head when I was little - my grandmother would tell my mother - "Place a hot match on the tick's butt and he'll back out - that way no Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever" - then my step-father would tell my mother - "You must smother the tick in Vaseline, he can't breath and will turn loose of the kid - no Rocky Mt. Spotted Fever!" - everyone would offer their wonderful advice but my dear Mama would wait until they were all gone and with a pair of tweezers yank the SOB tick out of my head. Thank goodness my Mother wasn't ALWAYS reasonable!

We're able to say to our kids now (With a shaking fist in the air like an old cranky man)- "When I was your age, back in the day, we didn't have all this terrible Crack and Ecstacy and fancy-smancy Meth labs - by golly all we did was smoke pot - you kids nowadays are just OUT OF CONTROL!!!!" and - "You punk kids nowadays - why when I was your age if we wanted to get high by golly we had to go out and actually GROW our pot, harvest it, dry it - BACKBREAKING labor! - you kids nowadays just set up your fancy little Meth labs or go down the corner dealer - you're spoiled and lazy and good for nothing! Instant gratification is all that matters these days!!!"
(But you have to do it without cracking a smile too and that's the hard part)
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If my Mom didn't like a friend of mine when I was a kid - a giveaway was that she'd refer to them as "your LITTLE friend ____" - but if she liked him it was simply "your friend _____". I wonder what she'd have said if I had a midget friend that she didn't like?
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Having a bad memory has its' benefits, don't knock it. My wife and I watched Braveheart today - we'd both had seen it before - but she remembers the movie - and me with my bad memory, I get to enjoy almost all of it as if it were the first time! Ahhh....bad memory.
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Isn't it funny how our pets have names that change over the years? There's a cat in my house that only likes my wife and hate me. Therefore the cat MUST be evil, and so I started calling her "Osama Bin Kitty" - then I dropped the "Osama Bin" part because of my wife's disapproval, but I kept the kitty part and added "Stink-Stink" - so the cat's name became "Kitty Stink-Stink" - later THAT got shortened to "Kitty Tink", Then it was cut down to just "Tinky" or "Tink".
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When I was a horny kid nothing was sacred. My mother made us go to church - and the best part of church to me was that all the women and girls dressed up nicely and I could fantasize about them during those long sermons - high heels, stockings....ahhh....and during communion they'd all go up front and kneel down and I loved looking at their backsides in their nice dresses. I had no shame.....nope.
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"Back in the day" when it was cool for kids to jump ramps like Evil Knievil all day long and break bones out in the backyard, my wife tells the story of a guy named Charlie (his name has been changed to protect what's left of him) Well Charlie came up to where the other kids were launching off ramps and he wanted to jump - problem was, Charlie didn't have a SEAT on his bike - just the seat POST or stem (can you see where this will end up? (pun intended)).

Some tried to tell Charlie - "Charlie you shouldn't jump without a seat man!" But most kids there that fateful day just chanted "CharLIE! CharLIE! CharLIE!" egging him on - sure enough - Charlie went up the ramp, sailed high into the air over the barrels or whatever we were jumping that day, and of COURSE when he landed his ass had only one place to go - DOWN. And yep sure enough the seat post DID go up his backside, WAY up, and SEVERELY injured Charlie for life.

They took Charlie away from the scene in an ambulance. WITH his bike - because his bike seat post/stem was very much lodged deep into Charlies' backside - both went into the ambulance to the hospital, which became Charlies' new home. He finally left the hospital, but Charlie had surgery after surgery to fix SEVERE internal damage for YEARS after this incident. What's the lesson to be learned from Charlie? It's kind of obvious isn't it!?
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Orville Reddenbocker - is that a cool/fun name to say or WHAT? Doesn't it sound like a guy you'd pick on in elementary school? (But I bet Mr. Reddenbocker had all those kids whacked by his thugs once he became the popcorn king of the universe)
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In my grandmother's neighborhood down south, there are old old houses. And around most of these houses at least in the backyards, are walls made of stone. And on top of these walls the original wall builders broke glass bottles and cemented them in to keep men from easily crossing over these walls. As a kid that was impressive to me. I'd scale up a tree and look over at all the tops of the walls at the glittering glass shards, ready to shred some burgler fool.
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Growing up we were often the only white kids around and I experienced a lot of racism and white hatred. One of my favorites was hearing "Hey white boy gimme a quarter for a moon pie" - and when I said "Sorry but I don't HAVE a quarter" - I'd all-too-often hear "Oh you won't give me a quarter because I'm black huh?!" - "You hate me don't you cracker!?" and they'd often get in my face try to get a fight going. It did me no good to try and explain I wasn't giving them a quarter because I was poor and didn't HAVE a quarter. Instead all I could do was get verbally abused and sometimes beat on for not giving away money I didn't have. So I learned early on in life that some folks want to beat you and have created ways of making the beating seem justified no matter what.
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Stupid movie idea of the day: "Google Boy (PG-17) - the touching story of a boy locked away in his room by his evil and abusive parents. His only communication with the outside world and education is through his web connection and Google. We follow his search for help and love through Google, and finally, his escape."

Speaking of writing on bathroom walls. (We were - try and keep up!) - I have a theory that there's probably more writing on women's room walls than men's rooms. Why? Because I believe most women probably have their purses with them in the bathroom - which probably contains a writing instrument. But then again - women aren't as immature as us men so maybe this theory is no good.
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Every time I play a board game with my family, I try and leave something in the box for the next time we play. For example if we're all playing Monopoly and I'm having a few beers, I may leave a Bud bottle cap in the box - and the next time we sit down to play Monopoly we'll find it and I can say - "Gosh I remember that time we played - I was drinking some Bud!" Okay I'll admit this is a weird habit. But you've got yours too right?
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Is it me or are pregnant women just one of the most beautiful creatures around!? Maybe all men feel this way? I'm not talking about some sort of fetish thing - I just see a pregnant woman and it does things to my heart. They're just so wonderful and special. Is it inborn in men to just want to take care of pregnant women - is that it?
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I'm sitting here sipping some coffee. (Okay I lie - I GULP down gallons of it), and I'm feeling pretty good this morning, all is well, I have a wonderful wife and children, a place to live, a job, I have the luxury of sitting here playing online. And I hear on my police scanner - an attempted suicide - 17 year old girl. DAMN IT!! No matter how WE feel there is huge huge pain around us. We drive down streets and we just see houses - and for all we know within one of those houses a person is in so much pain that they have a knife at their wrists. That girl could be family or a friend. That was more of a wake-up call than this coffee can give me. I think I'll pour out this coffee. (just kidding)
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Monkey Prediction: I predict that in the future we'll put all of our dirty clothes in a chute in our house - a scanner will then read the tag, determine who owns the clothes, then scan the fabric for washing instructions, then scan the clothes for color. The clothes will then be automatically moved to a washing machine, washed, and then sent to the dryer. Will the clothes then be sorted and folded by this machine? Hell no you lazy ass - do it yourself!
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If I had a scary-looking two-story house, I'd take a mannequin and dress it up like an old scary lady, and I'd put her up behind the second story window, just visible behind the curtains, and I'd never move it. People driving by would be scared of the old lady up in the second story of my house.
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My wife started wearing an apron when she cooks. Holy cow ya gotta love aprons - I think a lady in the kitchen with an apron is just amazingly beautiful. But then for that matter a woman wearing nothing BUT an apron in the kitchen would be cool too - but not much cooking would get done - so maybe that's not such a good idea either.

You jackasses that put up flags after 9/11 to show your pride in your country - good for you - so did I - now LOOK AT THEM - are the flags tattered and ragged and faded!? Is your flag out on your porch in the DARK at night? Show respect for the flags and take care of them. Displaying a flag is not just for show - it's a responsibility.
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What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs" he says - "Human legs" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill - toes and all.
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Have you ever had to return something to the store and got the third-degree from some punk at the Return counter!? "What's wrong with it?" they say. "It didn't work" you say. And then they proceed to look at you like you're trying to pull one on them. "That's funny - these almost always work", and my favorite "Are you sure it was turned on and plugged in?" - My wife gets this more than I do. I want to crack skulls at the return desk sometimes.
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When I was a kid at my elementary school I was the "Janiter's Assistant" - me and this other fellow. We had to spray the dust mops with this wood polish and polish the hallway floors. One day we were standing in the broom closet and I got the brilliant idea that as a joke I'd pretend that I was going to spray the aerosol spray into my eyeball - but instead I'd turn the little spray nozzle of the can AWAY from my eyeball and it would be a laugh. I called to the other guy - "Watch THIS!" - and I held open my eyelid with one hand and with the other pointed the spray nozzle right at my eyeball and I pushed it. Only huge problem was I forgot to turn the nozzle away as I'd planned, and so I said "Watch THIS!" - and this poor guy saw me spray wood floor polish directly into my eyeball. Nice.
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They say "an armed society is a polite society" - I believe this to be true - can you imagine how different it would be to go to a saloon in the old west and everyone's packin' AND drinking shots of whiskey? You could be a loudmouthed arrogant jerk but you wouldn't last too long unless you were fast on the draw - so chances are the saloons of old were filled with guys that knew how to keep their mouths shut
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I started smoking when I was about 12 or 13. And you know, the part that I ENJOYED about smoking at that age was the sneaking around and hiding. Hiding a pack in my socks or down my pants, sneaking out behind the school to smoke. This was most of the thrill of smoking for me.
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I once went Bungee-Jumping - in Australia - this particular place would weigh the jumper at the bottom of the tower, take a magic-marker, and write the jumper's weight on their arm. When you got to the top of the tower, they looked at the weight on your arm and got the appropriate bungee cord. The weights are of course done in kilos there. They weighed me at the bottom - and wrote "86" on my arm and I went up to climb the stairs to jump. But as I went up the stairs I was struck with fear - what if at the top they looked at my arm and read it upside-down as "98" and it's really "86" - or for that matter - maybe my weight IS 98!? I remember wishing I knew my metrics better! I decided that when I got to the top the bungee-cord man would KNOW which way to read the number and I'd trust him. I lived so I guess he did know his job.
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I like to try and make babies in shopping carts smile or laugh at me by making funny faces, and then when their Mom turns to see what's going on I hide or pretend I don't even see the baby.
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Stupid Movie Idea: "PEEP LAND" (PG-17) A futuristic movie - 72 years into the future, and there is no more currency as we know it today - instead - Peeps are used as money - you heard me - those Easter treats called Peeps!
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I read graffiti on bathroom walls. You do too - admit it.
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My grandmother was a BIG woman - and she'd joke about it. Once I was with her and we saw one of those concrete bus stop benches - split right down the middle and laying broken on the ground. "Goodness" she said to me "I must have been here before" She could joke about her weight like that and it put us grandkids at ease about it. But she died WAY before she should have, and her weight was a contributing factor. So it's ironic.

The Case Of The Stinky Baby:
Long ago a young couple I knew had a baby. When the mother was up to it she invited me to their house to see the little guy. I entered the house, and they sat on the couch across from the bassinet. They said to me - "Go ahead - you can looky-looky at him!" - and so I walked over to this pretty white bassinet that had a nice silky lace curtain around the baby within.

I pulled open the curtain just a bit and stuck my head within to see the baby. Oh my God - the STENCH HIT ME!!!! It smelled like stale milk, baby pee and baby poop, along with baby puke in there!!! Immediately my eyes started watering, and I started literally GAGGING!!!

What could I do?! If I pulled my head out the parents would see my eyes watering and me gagging, but If I DIDN'T pull my head out of there I was scared I was GOING TO PUKE ALL OVER THEIR BABY!!! The parents were still behind me on the couch waiting for my reaction. I'm sure they wondered what the hell was taking me so long to pull my head out of there! I don't think they heard me gagging - and to tell you the truth I never even really looked at the sleeping baby!

I FINALLY felt like I wasn't going to puke anymore, and so I pulled my head out of there into the fresh air. I said to the new parents - "wow!" - and my eyes were watering from the stench - I hope they interpreted my "wow" and my watery eyes differently than it was meant. I don't know what the hell was wrong with them - why they didn't wash and change their new baby? - but I only went back over to their house a few times after that.
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Have you noticed when some folks talk about getting an electric shock they say they were "electrocuted"? NO NO NO! "electrocuted" means DEATH by electric shock - If you were truly electrocuted - don't talk to me zombie man!!!
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Do you ever see a really fat person and think - "That's so sad - I know there's a thinner healthier person within that big body that is in agony"
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When you're dumping garbage into a dumpster, do you peer into it just out of curiosity? Just to see what others have thrown out? I do - I admit it - but for some reason it always flashes in my mind that I'm going to see a dead human body in there! Yikes!
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Have you ever gone to put something together and discovered from the directions it's very obvious the thing was built in Asia somewhere? Instructions that read things like:
"Now you have bought shelf and time to put together easily with directions here" -or -
"Now you have 12 bolt and 2 screw for assembly to be easy"
Those guys that write those instructions overseas for us Americans make me laugh!

We men can clean toilets when we pee - you women can't - if we see a spot or stain down in the bowl while peeing we can clean it off and it's of course fun to do because we can.
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You know we laugh at warnings they put on bottles of things - but I'd be willing to bet they have to put them there for a reason - today I bought a bottle of Drano - and I'll bet you SOMEONE has taken it internally to help clean out their system or relieve constipation.
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When I was in Boy Scouts we learned a lot about fires. We learned that if you put a can of deodorant in the campfire it blows up. We learned that if put green pine needles in our fire it would smoke out the whole place in no time. We learned to put basically anything hollow into our fire and watch it explode. A boy can learn a lot in Boy Scouts.
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Stupid movie idea for today: "TRIPPER (PG-13) - a touching movie about a boy with a rare disorder that causes him to trip over everything, even his own feet - this is the story of his life and some of the adventures he has stumbled into."
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When I was younger it was my policy at clubs to never bother with the pretty girls - I would always set my sights on an older more less-attractive woman, and as the night went on and I got drunker she'd be more and more pretty - and chances were good she'd be flattered to have a younger guy pay attention to her, and I'd end up going home with her. Whereas my friends trying for the beauty queens usually lost out to competition. I'd get laid almost every time with this tactic. BUT - later on in the years I end up missing out on some memories of fun times, as well as sometimes waking up the morning could be sort of scary.
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I once had a Cuckoo-Clock from Germany that I loved. It broke. I went to a watch and clock repair shop and found the owner sleeping away behind the counter. I made noise to wake him up, I rattled some things on his counter - he woke and he told me he MIGHT could fix my clock but that he was EXTREMELY busy and backed up with repairs. (I should've left then and there but like a fool I turned my clock over to him) - he called a few MONTHS later and said to come get it - he couldn't fix it. He wanted almost 400 dollars for "labor" and was returning the clock to me - IN PIECES IN A GROCERY BAG. What a fool I was.
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This is fun: http://www.subservientchicken.com/
Tell him to bang his head into the wall.
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I believe the 1950's in America were indeed "a golden era" even though I wasn't even born yet to justify this claim. The music was great in the 50's, the economy was great, the cars were unbelievable, and America enjoyed a post-war booming good time. I believe the 20's were probably a lot like this also, before the depression.
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When I hear the song "Help Me Rhonda" - I think of a girl back in like second or third grade - a true nympho she was, she used to say nasty things to all the boys about what she wanted to do to us, but we didn't know what she was talking about until later! She was way ahead of us boys and later as we grew I think we all dreamed of nasty Rhonda, but she was gone then, moved away.
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I want to make a robot-cow - that stands out in a field along a boring highway in view of travelers. And every 20 minutes or so it does something really weird like a dance or stands up on it's back legs and walks. That would wake a few bored travelers up and be great fun. (Hopefully it wouldn't cause accidents)
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Along those lines, if you travel through Kansas, mixed in with the anti-abortion signs along the highway you'll see many strange signs - "See Willy, the two-headed cow - three miles ahead", "See the world's largest Prairie Dog - just ahead", and so on. (See http://www.roadsideamerica.com/map/ks.html for more) Thanks Kansas - for giving us weary travelers SOMETHING.
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I wonder if it's ever happened that someone in a family has spent years and did an extensive genealogy study, and it's also a family secret that he is adopted - but they let him do it anyway.
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Call me strange, but I've always thought dusty mirrors are a bit eerie for some reason.
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What did your grandparent's bathroom smell like? They always have some kind of strange smell, my Grandmother's bathroom always reeked of baby powder
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When you're a kid, the test of a good local neighborhood tree house is what girly magazines are within. It always depends on what kids can steal from their dads. Some tree houses had ancient mouldy copies of Playboy - not good, and some tree houses had such classics as SWANK and OUI and the good stuff within. (I remember getting laughed at by a more intelligent friend because I thought it was pronounced "oh-wee" magazine - jeez)
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Stupid things I've said: I used to keep/raise birds, I had just bought a Lovebird and the other birds in the cage turned on the new guy - attacking and pecking at his left leg. I frantically called the lady I bought it from and in my excitement must have said 12 times in that conversation "It's back left leg is injured and bloody" - when I got off the phone my wife calmly pointed out that birds don't really have "BACK left legs", only left legs. What a goofus membrane.

I spoke with a man that has 8 girls and 1 boy. To each his own, but holy cow the world is getting overpopulated. I always thought a couple having 2 kids is pretty cool, they're replacing themselves basically.
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My wife says when there's a group of pregnant women in a waiting room waiting to see the baby doctor - that it's understood that you never really should ask another woman anything about her pregnancy unless she volunteers it - there ARE some women that have to carry a dead baby to term. I never knew this. Men would never know this - men will even ask a FAT woman "when are you due?". I guess we men are idiots. :-)
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People I want to pimp-slap: I want to pimp-slap people when I say "Is this Thursday?" (or whatever day) - and they reply "All day!" And grin like a mule eating briars.
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I had a redneck friend growing up that had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean" - WHY did they call him Butterbean? Because he made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried sex errr...ummm...from the backside and he'd found a butterbean stuck on his thing afterwards...he was forever after known as "butterbean"
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(Still with me after that last one?!) The song - "Transformers - they're more than meet the eye - Transformers - they're robots in disguise!" - all it takes is for ONE bonehead to say the word "transformer" and my mind latches onto the Transformer (cartoon) song - sad part is - I never even really watched that show - my kids did - but that song - WHY? Why won't it leave my empty head!?
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Are you suspicious of married couples at parties that never leave each other's sides the whole night and are lovey-dovey or instead do you think - "Aww - That sure is nice!"
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When driving - there are plenty non-verbal ways of communicating to other drivers - there's giving another driver the finger, there's the waving hand as in "come on, I'll let you out" - there's the hands in the air in disgust as in "Jeez where DID you learn to drive!?" - but the one I think we need is a universal hand sign for "my mistake - I'm SORRY!". I'm a pretty good driver, but I think even good drivers make little mistakes and BEFORE someone flips us off it'd be nice to have some sort of hand sign for "Ooops - I'm sorry!"
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Have you ever been driving down a country road and see a huge field of grass or flowers, and you want to grab your spouse/BF/GF, run out to the middle of the field, throw off your clothes and just do it like wild animals?
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Speaking of animals - is it just me or are those "America's Funniest Animals" shows getting SO lame and SO unfunny I don't even know how they're still on the air?!

It COULD happen that someone is in jail for many years (or life) for something they didn't do - wouldn't that just suck? You can scream all day "I didn't do it - you got the wrong person!" - but even guilty people say that - so it'd be wasted.
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When I was a youngster growing up in the south - at the local YMCA all the men and boys swam NAKED - I am not joking - the pool was indoors - it was all male, so nobody wore a bathing suits at all - we all swam naked. It didn't seem that strange to me back then, but I seriously doubt it happens these days.
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I saw a lady in the store today that I THOUGHT I knew at a glance down an aisle - but I didn't want to stare at her, but I also didn't want her to think I was rude if I DID know her and didn't speak and she saw me - but I also didn't want her slapping me if I started acting like I knew her and it WASN'T who I thought it was. That'll teach me to go into stores - it always leads to trouble.
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I'm not making this up - while in the Navy, I was in the clinic at the base - I had to fill out a questionnaire prior to seeing the doctor - one of the questions on the survey was: "Are you allergic to any toxic chemicals? Y/N" I refused to answer that question and left it blank. Aren't MOST people allergic to toxic chemicals?
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Stupid statements Part II: I knew a girl long ago who was pregnant. Someone asked her - "Are you going to breast feed your baby?" - and she said "HELL no!!" Now I don't usually get into other people's business, but the way she said that - I had to find out what was so terrible about breast feeding - "Why do you say it so sternly like that? Do you have a problem with breast feeding?" I asked. She then said "I sure do - you don't know what's in that stuff! At least when you buy formula or milk from the store you can read the ingredients - you KNOW what's IN IT"
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Have you ever played a game of chess with someone and when they start losing a few key pieces they just sort of give up, loose interest, and stop really playing?
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I've noticed in obituaries in the paper everyone is painted as a nice person. You never read that someone died and everyone is glad and good riddance?
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If you drive across this great land on a long trip, city to city, in the mornings you'll find almost every town and city has loud-mouthed stupid Howard Stern wannabe DJ's who think they're just hilarious and outrageous. Usually two guys, ("The Tom & Earl show", "The Bob & Mack show", "Jimmy and Russ in the morning show", etc etc)
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One of my youngest sons said to the other "You're gonna die!!" - and the other one thought about it and said "So are you - one day!" - and the little one said "I know I am - you don't have to rub it in - jeez!"

"I suspect Col. Mustard in the library with the crackpipe" When I was a kid I loved to play CLUE - but the last few times I've played with my own kids I just can't get into it at all. It's just not fun anymore for some reason and I find myself not even caring who did what with what and what room they were in. When I was a kid I also fantasized about every woman I ever saw - and I remember wanting to do Miss Scarlet. In the library, in the billiard room, I didn't care where.
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Carpet is weird stuff if you look at it too long and think too much. I mean LOOK AT IT - it's like - like fake GRASS in our homes! It's not much different than a bear or other critter dragging in leaves and straw into his cave - so he can feel like he's outside but still stay inside.
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Doesn't it feel great when you go to a party and everyone seems to get rip-roarin' DRUNK off their asses and YOU DON'T - and then you see them the next day and these people are like zombies and sick and hungover and you're not only doing great, but can remember all the stupid stuff they did? There's something to be said for staying reasonably sober at a party! :-)
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Movie Idea: I think there should be a movie about a murderer - but not just any murderer - a BABY - yep - a BABY - that starts to murder other babies - from day one. The movie would then go into the legal implications of what was going to happen to this baby.
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When I was a kid my stepdad thought he was cool - because he not only had a big TV antenna on our roof - but we had a big "antenna rotator" dial on top of the TV and we'd turn it and turn our antenna on the roof. Someone in the family put little bits of masking tape on the dial showing where each station was. Later families thought they were too-cool if they had a HUGE satellite dish out in the yard that were the size of small swimming pools.
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I went into a "hobby store" in the mall the other day - just passing some time waiting on my wife to shop for some clothes in another store - and there were about four young men behind the counter. They asked me if I needed help and I told no thanks - just passing some time. They went back to their conversation:

One fellow: "So are you going to do battle on friday?"
The other: "No - I'm not ready - and I won't battle until I get my armor"
another one: "What ARE you talking about dude!? You've got the invincible thirteen plus battle armor you won from that elf last week!"
The other: "I KNOW I do, but I am NOT ready to fight until I'm comfortable and I can take on any warriers we encounter"
The other fellow: "Dude, grow up man, if I had your armor I'd be fighting every week!"

It got to be too much at this point - I practically RAN out of the store so I didn't have to hear any more - they probably thought I was a shoplifter. (or maybe they thought I was a woodland elf warrior with invisable powers of 14-plus) I decided to walk around in Victoria's Secret down the way and be a perv.

No matter WHERE I've lived - the people say - "There's a saying here - if you don't like the weather here in ____, just wait a minute, it'll change" And they laugh like crazy. I've not had the heart to tell someone when they say this that it's said everywhere! :-)
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I went to Yellowstone park today - the critters I saw: Prairie Dogs, Deer, Elk, Buffalo, several Wolves, Pronghorns, Red-Tailed Hawk, Crow.
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When we eat at a restaurant, you don't really know much about is going on "behind the scenes" - and you don't care either. The chefs, the prep-cooks, the waitresses, the dishwashers, etc. There's a huge loud cussing wacky world back there behind that door that you'll never see. The waitresses are busy as hell and wondering why in the hell they took this job. Some of the prep-cooks are so stoned they're just lucky they don't cut their fingers off in your salad. The Chef's wife is sleeping with his next-door neighbor, the dishwasher is grumpy because every time he sprays a ladle it shoots back in his face and the IRS says he owes money he doesn't have. The waitress's feet hurt and the table next to yours was rude to her, like any other place of work, one big soap opera.
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Sometimes it's not a good idea to speak to someone in a veterinarians waiting room. I once sat across from a lady and her German Shepherd - the German Shepherd had stitches on his head. I made the HUGE MISTAKE of trying to make polite waiting-room-small-talk - and I said to her "Does your dog get his stitches taken out today?" That lady literally broke out crying and sobbing - "He...he..he..h..he...has...cancer!" I'll never make that mistake again. She sobbed and sobbed until they were called into the vet's office
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Have you ever taken your car in for repairs and you look up from your magazine in the waiting room and panic because there's like FOUR mechanics all standing looking down at your engine!!!? Scary isn't it?
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Why does it seem sometimes that the more effort someone puts in to their blog LAYOUT that often they're the people with the least amount to actually BLOG about. Huge, super fancy layouts that take forever to load, then welcome you with singing music, tell you what time it is, give you your blood pressure and fortune, but blog about nothing.

Have you ever left a company because of poor management and you feel the company is headed for disaster and downfall due to it's poor business practices and management - and after you left the company it DOES start to fall apart, loose money, and go downhill? On the one hand you want to say "told you so!" - but on the other hand you feel a little sad for them anyway.
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Have you ever noticed that FAN BLADES get a lot of DUST on them!? Isn't that strange? You'd think that'd be the last place dust would ever settle.
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It's no fun breaking part of a tooth is it! Even the tiniest little chip of a tooth messes me up - our tongues seem to get used to the feel of all your teeth, and then when you loose a tooth or chip a tooth it doesn't feel right for a long time doesn't it!? There's either big new HOLE in your mouth that feels so strange, or there's a new SHARP EDGE to a tooth - which to me is even worse.
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Why does it seem the best sleeping we do is AFTER the alarm clock goes off?
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Have you noticed that when a serial killer is caught that they always interview former next-door-neighbors and the neighbors almost always say "He was so quiet, minded his business, seemed like such a nice young man"? Interesting huh? But then if you have bodies buried in your crawl space it would hardly be a smart move to be an asshole neighbor, banging on drums at 2 AM and being a jerk to everyone would it?
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Sometimes it's not good to actually SEE the person behind a cartoon voice, or you're likely to picture that person every time you watch that character and it ruins it! I wish I'd never seen the guy doing Spongebob Squarepants voice! (Not that I watch him too often, but when I do I see that guy!)

You know what's a really good habit that I've FINALLY drilled into my kid's heads? When a door is closed - KNOCK ON IT and wait until the person within said door says to come in. And by golly I do the same to them - if my son is in his room with the door closed I'll knock and wait for him to say "come in". And it's working now - I can close any door now in this house and not have to have someone barge in on me and my kids can do the same. A little privacy is precious ain't it?
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I went to my wife tonight and said to her: "Honey, I sure do love you very much, you're a very beautiful woman, very smart, and a wonderful wife".

"You trying to get laid?" she asked.

"No" I said, and left the room.

:-) Of course that kind of activity WILL get me laid - but I swear isn't my intention - I really just felt like telling her that. That was fun!
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When was the last time you were able to look in a mirror at your body and say "Daammn - I look GOOD!" I am able to now. Am I bragging - hell yeah I'm bragging - and you know why? Because I WAS overweight, I WAS out of shape, and decided one day ENOUGH! - I then lost a shitload of weight on Atkins, started working out, started pumping iron, started running, and watched what the hell I ate. I now work out 6 days a week, have kept the weight off, have gained a lot of great muscle and DAMMIT I look good now whereas before I looked like shit. The ultimate has been that more than one of my wife's friends has told her - "Your husband is HOT"! I never thought I'd be called "hot" (by the way SHE has no problem with this of course!) And so after all that sweat and pain and dedicated work I CAN brag and I WILL brag every now and again! (okay - maybe just once a year) It's been hell and it's been hard - my hat goes off to any man or woman that has had the guts to turn their bodies around.
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Do you remember when MTV came out and it was ONLY videos? Do you remember when HBO started and it was ONLY movies? Things have sure changed huh? I mean don't get me wrong - I love Deadrock and The Sopranos on HBO, and I like some of the stuff that's on MTV even - but my how things have changed!
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I was cleaning up my yard today - it's a new house and the yard is shit - rocks and nails everywhere. And as I looked at the yard full of rocks I knew there was only one way to think about this - there'd be no easy way, and it was literally going to be picking up one rock at a time. Hours later when I looked back at what I'd been doing it looked very nice. But that's life isn't it? Sometimes there's no easy way to accomplish big goals - instead it's ONE LITTLE STEP AT A TIME like this yard is one rock at a time. And like me sitting down after hours of work looking over the BIG PICTURE, one little step or rock at a time allows us to ONE DAY look back and say proudly - "I DID IT!"
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What is it about "Gumby" that's so cool I ask you? He's a weird looking green rubber guy that talks funny - but that little bastard sure is cool ain't he?

Doesn't it seem like everyone has at LEAST ONE drawer at home filled with "stuff" - when I was a kid my Mama called it a "junk drawer" - I'm looking at mine now - it's a drawer full of little "things" - and it looks like junk sure enough - but NONE of it is stuff I'd part with. I think most "junk drawers" are also filled with things that just don't really have a category and couldn't go in other drawers around the house, and yet they can't be thrown away either!
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When you were a kid did you ever get one of your fingers slammed and smashed in a car door!? Usually one of my (many) brothers would end up slamming a car door when my stupid hand was still in the way and I'd get a finger smashed into oblivion!
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A lot of people think of the famous Renaissance painters as being practically genius. Perhaps many were. I wonder how many were Autistic, Idiot Savant, etc? I also wonder just how many of our great artists and writers of the past would never have put out such great works if they were alive today, because perhaps some shrink would've put them on some anti-depressant or other pill that would end up zapping their creativity.
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A joy to me when I was a kid was to look through our encyclopedias - we had the whole World Book set along with each "yearbook" - gosh that was a lot of fun - I really learned a lot. Now most everyone uses CD-ROM encyclopedias, including me. I figured out what makes a CD-ROM encyclopedia not as fun as the books - in the books I would grab one up and just flip through until a picture caught my eye, then I'd read about it.
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The cool little Prairie Dogs I see so much of now here in Montana - I did some research - impressive - it's beginning to be thought that these guys have one of the most complex language of any animals! They can vocalize differently for different warnings and the others understand! For instance a warning of a snake may be given one way, while a warning of an overhead eagle may be another sound, and on and on with lots of different animals! Cool huh? And Prairie Dogs only live about three years. Gosh that's not a lot of time - especially when you also hibernate!
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My dear wife caught me last night going down on a stripper and I got my ass beat and am up for a divorce as soon as her lawyer's office opens this morning - so I hardly feel like blogging today - I'm sorry.

I made the mistake of going out "with the boys" last night to celebrate my friend Tim getting his degree. We started out at Red Dog's on main street knocking back the Coors, but ended up getting plastered and someone got the brilliant idea of going to Benny's Dollhouse, a rather seedy nightclub/titty-bar on 5th street.

To make a long story short (because my head hurts) - I ended up getting friendly with a beautiful stripper named "Pepper" and I spent a LOT of money on her. But she wanted me not just for my money - and the next thing I know I'm out in the back seat of my car smoking some herb with her and I end up going down on her and loving every minute of it.

Suddenly the back door opens and Pepper nearly tumbles out into the parking lot. It's my wife standing there staring down at us. 13 years of marriage we're talking about here. I have no idea how she found me or my car but she did.

Tears are in her eyes. Pepper fumbles for her little G-string while I wipe my face off and stare up into my hurt wife's eyes.

I don't know who left the stupid Bud-Lite bottle beside my car on the ground (maybe I did?) - but my wife grabs it up and the next thing I know she's swung it and clocked the stripper right smack in the forehead with it. I hear the bottle shatter and pepper screams and goes down to the floor of the car. I see there is blood but I don't know where it's coming from. I can see my wife's still got half of the bottle in her hand and she swings it again - this time at ME - and the jagged edge of the bottle slashes my shoulder - rips open my shirt and I'm cut badly.

I screamed something, I'm not sure what - but it didn't matter - my wife then literally grabbed me by my hair and yanked me right out of the back seat and I landed on my head onto the dirt parking lot. She began to kick me - hard. One of her kicks landed right on my left eye and one kick hit me square on the nose - I could hear my damned nose cracking. She screamed over and over again - "You bastard! You bastard! How could you!?" as she kicked. When I grabbed my shattered nose and she started kicking me in the stomach and chest.

I have no idea how long this went on - I must have passed out from the pain or the beer or both. When I woke up later I was in a strange bed and it turns out my friends had driven me to the stripper Pepper's house and she was bandaging me up. I had no idea of what time it was, but asked and Pepper told me it was early in the morning, and that it was also April Fool's day and so none of this story really happened in the first place.