Hanging clothes out to dry on a clothesline - NICE - there's something so cool about the way sheets smell when they're washed and hung out to dry! My mother would hang clothes out and when the wind blew I'd stand out there between the sheets and just let them blow into my (dirty) face and breath in the fresh smell. What did people use before we had those "dryer sheets" - (Bounce, etc) - did they use nothing? Or did they just hang their clothes up on the line outside?
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I went to a party that was pool side. And what happens at every party next to a pool when folks start getting drunk? Yep - people get tossed into the pool. Call me a spoil-sport but I've never found this amusing and never got involved in tossing folks into pools. Ya know what? Some people are very afraid of water and tossing them in could cause trauma. Who knows who might have life-supporting medications in their pockets that can't get wet. Who knows who is wearing a pacemaker? A nice young lady got thrown the pool by some drunks at this party I attended - and a VERY expensive hearing-aid this girl was wearing was RUINED .
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What if for some reason ALL fish in all the oceans got sick and died mysteriously and floated to the surface. What would happen to our world? Not to mention the smell - but can you imagine the devastation this world would suffer?
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When my wife is sick I hate it - I wish I could magically touch her forehead and take in her sickness and would leave her. I'd rather be sick myself than to watch my wife suffer.
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Driving here in Montana I see little Prairie Dogs here that live in underground houses they've dug out for themselves. Aww - that's so cool! They have their little ones in their burrows and they store food in there and sleep in there, and come out to play and work during the day. Then I arrive at my house - and we humans have our houses above ground - just boxes really that we live in with a roof on top to keep the rain off of us. We have our little ones in there and food, and I sleep in this box and come out during the day to play and work.

The "Burn-Man" - when I was a kid they liked to scare the hell out of us.

To teach us not to get into cars with strangers they'd show terrible videos to us IN SCHOOL of mutilated dead children laying in ditches. These videos gave me nightmares.

To teach us to stay away from drugs they'd show us movies of over-doses and show us about kids who tried to rip their eyes out while on acid to stop the bad trips.

To teach us to drive safely they'd show us videos of the highway patrol literally scraping up dead bodies off the highway.

And to teach us to not play with matches we had a man they called simply - "The Burn Man" - a man with a horribly burned and disfigured face from being almost burned alive because he'd played with matches. I can still see his face - he was scary. Very scary for kids and I had nightmares about him too.

But probably worse on some levels was "The Goard Lady" - she was an old lady who made things out of gords - mailboxes, boxes, masks,teapots, you name it. What was the "Gord Lady" there to teach us? To stay in school and get a real job?
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Hard work - there's something about work, I'm talking hard back-breaking WORK, that seems to clean out a person from the inside. Call me strange but a day outside in my yard moving heavy rocks around, chopping wood, mopping floors, when a man works it just feels good doesn't it? Sometimes I think psychiatrists should hand a man a shovel and a rake instead of a bottle of pills.
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Time - time flies doesn't it? (Time flies like an arrow - fruit flies like a banana) - my "little" brother just turned THIRTY - holy cow seems like people are kids and young and the next thing we know they're hitting big milestone birthdays like 30. Where does the time go?
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If you had the magical ability to pick up any musical instrument and have mastered it - no years of practice, just suddenly be able to master it - which one would you choose?
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What if someone discovered that images in mirrors are WRONG, that what we're seeing in a mirror is not REALLY how we look, and that somehow physics had been playing tricks on us?
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Are you ever on a two-lane highway cruising along and a car is approaching and think about how that approaching oncoming car could SO easily move a few feet over and KILL YOU? It could end like that - SO quickly - a matter of FEET between living and dying? Can you even begin to imagine what it would be like if you were doing 55 and the car coming towards you is doing 55 and there's a head-on?

A lady at work today was accidently showing some cleavage - and she's NOT the most attractive girl in the world - but I still was looking - and when I was finished looking I told her that her button was undone and she fixed it. What a jerk I am huh? But I think the lesson I learned was - there's NOT really BAD cleavage shots is there? If there's boobs and cleavage it's going to be nice - no matter who is showing it or how attractive they are.
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I'd listen to my music loud as hell when I was a teenager - and my jerk step-dad would yell at me - "TURN THAT DOWN!!!!" - and a few minutes ago, my step son, who is doing dishes, is blasting his music - and I yelled - "TURN THAT DOWN!!!" Who's a jerk now?
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Someone in my house, I won't mention any names, seems addicted to buying little boxes of Kleenex's - there's one on each kitchen counter, there's one in each bathroom, there's one on the living room table, one on the dining table, one on top of the microwave, one on each computer desk, ARRRGHHHH! What the HELL!?!?! What is this person waiting on the return of the Black Plague!?!?!
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Provance users - quit 'cher belly aching about "please don't just say 'nice layout'!" - if you want visitors/commenters not to say that then A) Stop making nice layouts, (look at MY layout - I NEVER get the "nice layout" comment! :-) B) say something worth commenting to, or C) stop using Provance! Give us something to comment ON! 80% of the blogs I visit seem to say things that look like this:

"Not much to say today - went to school and came home, but I promise I'll have something to say tomorrow."

That to me deserves - "Nice layout!"

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I'm a LAZY moe-foe for sure - last night all five visable planets (Mercury, Venus, Mars, Saturn & Jupiter) were supposed to be able to be seen with the naked eye. I stepped outside for 5.4 seconds and looked for one or two planets, didn't see anything, and went back inside.

I don't know if it's lazy or that I can't find JACK in the night sky - and I've had clowns try and "point out" constellations and I'm sorry - I just don't see 'em. "Look there!" they'll say - "Can't you see it!? There's the zipper on the pants of Orion the hunter and he's with his dog - the Jack Russell just to his left - are you blind?!" And I refuse to be like most people and PRETEND I see things someone is pointing at just to get them to shut up.

Reason I love the United States #291:

My country, the United States of America, is a wonderful country in SO many ways, but some of the ways you may not even realize unless you've lived overseas for any length of time and seen alternatives.

BIGNESS is one of those ways. Here in the US, some things are BIG and wonderful. Example, drink cups (Soda and coffee) Our SMALL-sized cups are bigger than the LARGE sized cups overseas. I'm not joking - in the UK or Australia when you ask for a large drink, you may laugh when it comes - it's NOT what you're used to thinking of as large at all - their large sizes are....well - SMALL! (Not to mention we usually get FREE refills on these giant cups/mugs - overseas in most countries you pay for a refill)

Another of the more special ways in which we as Americans have an advantage and may not realize it is CHOICE. In America we have a LOT of choices in our lives - so many choices for so many things I truly believe it makes us perhaps a little spoiled. Overseas you'll find two or three choices for an item in a store, whereas here there's usually many, MANY choices to choose from. You'll find a shelf full of breakfast cereals overseas, but in America a whole AISLE of cereals. There's not just one fried chicken store in which to eat, here you may get two or three on a street in some places! They can even be next door to each other! And what's good about having a lot of choices? It's good because it means stores have to actually be BETTER than the next guy to keep our business - so they kiss your ass - you don't get the ass-kissing like that overseas: when you run the only pizza shop in town it becomes less important to treat people the right way because - hey - what are they gonna do? It's your pizza shop or the highway! In America if a shop owner even looks at you wrong or a cashier is rude to you and - GOODBYE! - you don't get any more of my money! (not to mention we're spoiled here in the U.S. by so many 24-hour stores and shops)

Compared to the places I've visited and lived in overseas, our country has MORE and it has BIGGER.

Some people would argue that this kind of bigness and these kind of choices would make us spoiled. Maybe it does to a degree, but I also believe spoiled can be a GOOD thing. These things may make for an unhealthier country when it comes to food perhaps, but it shows me that Americans are never content just to be given one choice, we want a LOT of choices, it shows me that the sense of competition in America is very much alive, well, and healthy. It's wonderful to live in a country where manufacturers or vendors try and outdo the other by offering larger or more of something.

When there's competition the customer (you and I) always win.

So compared to countries I've visited/lived in - America has BIGGER and America has MORE CHOICES.

Disclaimer: This entry is not in any way meant to say to our foreign friends: "We're better than you nanny-nanny-nah-nah!" - it's more to Americans here that may not even be aware of some of the good things we have here and may take for granted.

My name is Monkey - and I was a shoplifter. :-)

Many kids try shoplifting - it happens. And I believe those that do try it usually shoplift until they're caught - THAT I feel is bound to happen, - you start off stealing small stuff and pretty soon it grows, bigger and more stuff - it's a habit.

I'll tell you about the great battery scam, and then the big bust of the century at 7-11 when I was a kid.

I had 3 brothers, and when we were younger they all smoked, I didn't - I started that bad habit later on down the road, but at the time of our shoplifting days I didn't smoke. We had no money in our family - so it wasn't like we could support such a habit without stealing I'm afraid. We'd take money from our Mom's purse if we could find it, at one point we even took our father's coin collection up there to the 7-11 and bought smokes. We were all under about 14 or so at this time.

Back then, cigarettes weren't behind the counters in stores - they were out on the aisles for customers - so my brothers would steal a pack when they needed it. Now back then, I think all that 7-11 had for defense against shoplifting was the guy behind the counter's eyes, and those mirrors here and there in the store - I never recall seeing cameras or anything high-tech.

Since I didn't smoke, I'd steal "Now And Later" candies and bubble gum while the brothers were going for the Marlborros. It was always easy to do and we never got caught. Was it thrilling? Not really - not IN the store doing it - but when we all met back home and emptied our stolen loot on the bed to inventory it was kind of fun.

We learned tricks as we went. For instance we learned that since our pockets would fill up with stolen loot from 7-11, we'd wear coats to hide things we'd stuff down our shirts and pants, and when the coat pockets filled up we learned we could tear the bottoms out of our coat pockets and you can basically fill up the back of the inside of your coat with loot also.

The Great Battery Scam

One of my more resourceful brothers noticed that the battery display was up on the counter by the cashier, on the opposite side of the store from the CARTONS of cigarettes and candy. He formulated a plan and it worked - I'd stay home, give the other brothers time to get up to 7-11, and then I'd call the cashier and start asking him about some weird non-existant battery type - the cashier of course would take the phone over to the battery case and start helping me - this was the signal for the brothers at the store to start loading up their coats with the big stuff behind his back. It worked. (Only this scam only worked once per cashier). Each brother would come out with 2-3 cartons of Marlborros. They'd often make a small token purchase to keep things from looking too suspicous

The great bust.

This stealing went on for months and months and we never got caught - we stole from 7-11 and also anytime we could make it to K-Mart or another store we'd steal. Then one day, the inevitable happened - we were busted. I remember it like this: I was busy loading up on candy on the candy aisle, and I looked around and saw nobody around - no cashier! I called out to my brothers so they could take advantage of this situation. When they didn't answer I peeked around the corner just in time to see the cashier coming in the front door with his hand around one of my brother's neck and the other two at tow. We'd been caught. The cashier came in and locked the door, locking us all in the 7-11, and he called the cops. Busted.

I'll make this short - basically two cops came to the store to make a report and speak to us - (the 7-11 clerk said there would be charges filed) the biggest fear in the world for us was to have our Mother find out, so when the cop asked for our phone number we gave him a fake one. That didn't work for long - he called it and got a stranger. He insisted we tell him our Mother's name and number or he'd just take our sorry asses to jail. We told him we didn't know our Mother's phone number but we could show him where we lived and she was home. (She of course wasn't home - she was busting her ass at work trying to pay for our food and rent) So we loaded up in the back of the cop car and we told him some apartments down the road from our real house. I don't know what this was going to buy us other than giving us more time to think about how to get out of this one. We had whispered to each other to bail out of the back of the car when we got close to some woods near our house. We'd of course forgotten you can't exit from the back of a police car! Doh!

We drove to the apartments, the cops asked which apartment. We said we didn't know. He said bullshit, let's just go to the jail then. So we told him we stayed outside most of the day and didn't know our apartment number. He said bullshit again, so we made up a fake apartment number. Off we went to that apartment. (At that point we were hoping to make a run for it). We never did make a run for it and the cop knocked on the door. A black lady and her family answered the door. The cops just laughed - "I don't think this is your Mama son!" Busted. No way out. The cop had had enough of the runaround and was going to take us to the station when we broke down and told him the truth. Our Mother was called and the shit hit the fan. We ended up all going to juvenile court and were all sentenced to go to counseling.

There ended the days of shoplifting forever for me. I've never stolen anything since - you CAN'T - not only because it's wrong, but because once you start you cannot easily stop!

Do you ever stop at a stop sign waiting to make a left turn, and a car is approaching - they're slowing down as if they're going to turn right, but there's no turn signal so you don't dare pull out (some folks don't even pull out then) - so suddenly they TURN, with no turn-signal. What do you say? I always say "Nice turn signal...ASSHOLE!" :-) Only my wife doesn't like it when I say that in front of the kids - so the kids-around edited and censored version is: "Nice turn signal - A!!!"
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Lifetime Movie Network: what the HELL!?! What is WITH that channel!? My Mother-In-Law watches that channel 24/7 - I can't even be in the same room!!! It's just pathetic!!! Poor acting, terrible stories - but I guess different strokes for different folks - people actually watch it! I'm thinking it's all people over 55.
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Did you ever notice that some things are totally appropriate in some circles but not in others? (I think MOST people know this but I always seem to learn the hard way) For instance when I was in the Navy it was a common practice that if you were trying to get through a group of people to shout "Make a hole!!" - to get people to let you through. Also they'd say "Step aside or bear a child!" Well the latter phrase ALMOST came out of my mouth at work when some ladies were blocking me - I almost said "Step aside or bear a child". I'm glad I didn't - they'd have looked at me like I was some sort of freak. (or more of a freak?)

I think mops and brooms are funny. Why? Because look around you, look at all the high-tech gadgets; the computers, the pagers, the telephones, and then look in your closet and there's a STICK WITH SOME STRINGS OR STRAW ON THE END OF IT! Just LOOK at a broom or mop - they're SO primitive!
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Flying kites is good, clean, cleap fun - why don't more people do it?
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It's considered manners for all at a table to stand when a woman comes to a table until she's seated. It seems not many folks do this anymore. I think it's a nice manners custom and I hate to see it die. I still try and do it for my wife, and she enjoys it I think.
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The wildlife update: Well here in Montana there's more and more little gophers starting to run around now that most of the snow seems to be over. The deer still seem to want to run in front of our cars on some sort of suicide wish. I am seeing less Bald Eagles these days - they seem to really be out the most when it's cold out. My wife saw a family of Badgers.
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I was thinking today - what if your dreams started becoming increasingly vivid but while you were awake things became fuzzy and confusing? And the more your dreams became more and more clear and real the more your awake-time was fuzzy. Then you start sleeping more and more, 15, 20 hours a day, living in clear and wonderful dreams. Pretty soon perhaps you're not awake hardly at all because being awake is just too darned lousy. I wonder if this is what comas are like?
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Why do you think that a lot of us men enjoy women so much in stockings? Long black thigh-high stockings - and nothing else or little else - hot-damn I love it! But WHY? What is it about stockings that rings my bell? Sure we all are attracted to different things - but I always wonder - WHY? I always thought choker necklaces on a lady are sexy too - and then read from a goofball that men like things around women's necks because it's a bondage domination type issue! GET OUT! But hey - at least it's a reason - I'm sure some clown would say I like stockings on a woman for some sort of subconscious domination reason too.

"Hey Cracker - gimme a quarter for a moonpie!"

Those are the words I most often heard in my school growing up. You see, us white boys were a rare species (So rare that we even had a special name - "crackers") - and if you were white many assumed you were also rich. Lots of people loved moonpies and could buy them at our school's canteen - and so for a few years I'd hear it over and over - "Gimme a quarter for a moonpie". To this day I could care less if I EVER eat a moonpie. It was never - "excuse me could I trouble you for any spare change to get something to eat?" - on no, it was - "Hey cracker - gimme a quarter for a moonpie.
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Today on my trek home from work here in Montana I was thinking - for many of us - the drive to and from work is our ONLY time alone! At work I'm surrounded by clowns and noise. At home - well, same story - clowns and noise. It's that BETWEEN TIME that I have to myself as I drive, to reflect on the day, plan for the future, have some peace and quiet. (So what do I do - blast the radio)
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I once bought a clothes dryer, and as many of you can attest to - many dryers don't come with power cords - you have to buy it separately. So I bought the right one - took it home - and although I COULD HAVE and SHOULD HAVE just eyeballed the plug to see if it would fit into the wall, I instead plugged it in - before I had it attached to the dryer. Not a problem except for I didn't even think about where the electricity was going to go - it went to the ends of the power cord - POW!!!! A huge noise and sparks! And the scary part? My hand was only about an inch or two from the ends of the cord! I could have been killed. They would have thought it looked like a suicide for sure when they found my body, when in fact, it would've just been plain ol' stupidity. So if they ever find me dead, and they rule it a suicide - let me say here and now don't take their word for it - it was more than likely just something stupid I did so investigate further!
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What if humans had actual TAILS like dogs do - that wagged when we were happy or excited. Would this cause problems?

I was a drunken FOOL back in my Navy days - away from home for the first time - a nice big (it seemed big) paycheck in my pocket - no bills to pay, no family, the Navy took care of my every need and paid me for it - and I spent it all on booze and foolishness.

Once after a LONG night of heavy drinking, a so-called friend shakes me awake in the morning - "Come on man get up don't spend your day in bed again dude!"

"ahhhuuuooohhhhghhhrrrrrghhh" I said. "Go to hell"

But he wouldn't take "go to hell" for an answer, and so I let that chirpy sober bastard drag me out of my bed - "Come on man - let's go get some breakfast at the chow hall!" (HE obviously hadn't drank like a fish the night before)

I tried to explain in slurred speech that I was still half-drunk, liable to get sick, and not hungry but he'd have none of it.

Somehow I let him drag me to the chow hall and I protested all the way - we got breakfast - I could barely walk or see straight. Then this bonehead friend gets a brilliant idea that we should join an OFFICER he knew for breakfast. "I don't think that's a good idea" I tried to tell him. But he wouldn't listen. We sat with the officer - who took one look at me and said "You don't look so good sailor!" (no shit)

Then I looked around at the table, it was spinning, then I smelled the fine Navy eggs, I smelled the fine Navy bacon, the room was spinning, I was sick, I was drunk, and then I felt that feeling in the back of my throat that says "here comes puke" - but I didn't listen - I thought it would go away - I doubted I would puke.

I looked down at a plate full of eggs, and up came the puke - right there, in a crowded Navy Chow Hall at a table full of people including an officer.

For SOME reason which I can't explain, instead of running to the bathroom or outside, I PUT MY HAND OVER MY MOUTH as if that would stop me from puking! The puke hit my hand and didn't let that stop it -the puke found an opening and came out with a lot of force - squirted out from between my fingers way up into the air in 50 different directions and landed all over everything, all over the table, oh man I've blocked most of this from my memory but I do remember it was nasty and disgusting and sick. I also remember everyone at the table being appalled, angry, and shocked. But I think I was more angry than any of them - I TOLD that mofo-so-called friend that I should NOT go eat breakfast that morning - why didn't he leave me in my bed in my drunken slumber!?

I sure as hell don't get drunk like that anymore - hardly ever even drink anymore - and I think part of the reason I've not messed around with drinking like that anymore is that I have these kind of memories to remind me that sometimes drinking can really mess a guy up! Another important lesson was learned - you can't stop vomit - especially with your hand!

Speaking of people knocking on bathroom doors. I was flying once and went up the isle to the bathroom - I opened the door and there in front of me was a young stewardess sitting on the toilet! "Oh gosh I'm sorry!" I said and closed the door quickly.

I went and sat back down - almost hoping she didn't see really who I was - I was embarrassed to have done that.

A moment later she came out and walked straight towards me! I thought for a second she was going to tell me off - instead she started apologizing profusely - "I'm SO sorry!" she was saying "I ALWAYS locked the door but forgot to this time - I'm SO sorry!" I told her no problem.

The moral to this story, the lesson we should learn is.....gosh - I'm not sure.

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Another unrelated note, I think some things are best in small doses;

If you lived next to a babbling brook you'd find the babbling brook noises to be pretty darned relaxing huh? Great to go to sleep to! But do you think you may end up getting just SICK of it and want some quiet for a change!? You can't just go "turn it off" - you're stuck with it! This is just something to consider if you're ever going to build your house next to a babbling brook.

I was once stationed i Puerto Rico - "Puerto Rico!!?" people say - "That must have been SO nice!" they say. Well guess what - Puerto Rico IS a nice place to visit - but as far as LIVING there - NOT so nice - a LOT of crime, a lot of pollution, and hot and humid as hell. But sure - if you get off a cruise ship in Puerto Rico and walk around San Juan spending your money for a few hours - it seems pretty nice!

Or have you ever met someone that you can tolerate briefly but if you had to spend any more time with them you'd kill them?

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I often leave my cordless phone away from it's base and it doesn't get charged - of course the battery then dies. I'd think that in the future phones would "understand" that they're getting low and need to get back to their base, they'd GET UP and somehow WALK back to their bases and charge. Hey why not? We're in 2004!
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I was sitting on a plane once watching people board when this young teenaged boy in a suit got on. I thought - "This kid looks like one of those TV evangelists!" No sooner had I thought that when he looked towards the back of the plane and yelled "PRAISE THE LORD"! I kid you not he did this - turns out his friends were already on board and it was obviously a church group of hardcore young Bible-thumpers. The lesson here - sometimes you CAN judge a book by it's cover and it works.

Speaking of which - while in the Navy I was honored to be roommates with a seriously hard core in-yer-face Christian. It's funny how time changes things - when he first moved in - he'd preach to me and I'd listen - he's often come up to me and say "Have you heard the good word?!" - and tell me the good word. As time went on I got more and more tired of this (as I'm sure most people would) - and before I knew it our exchanges would go more like this:

Him: "Have you heard the good word?!"
Me: "Have you heard to SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!?"

Isn't it sort of funny that when someone is really good at something people will say "you kick ass!"? I mean we all understand it means "good job" - or "you're good!" - but it's just a funny way to say it when you think about it isn't it!? Imagine someone here in the U.S. learning English - for whom English was their second language - and someone comes up to them and says "You kick ass!!!" They'd be corn-fused as hell.

Do you ever wonder about the people out in this world that have been forgotten? How can you be forgotten!? We think we can't be forgotten - but I'm sure there's too many older retired folks who have lost all their family and friends and now they are all alone. Being lonely can suck :-(

Have you ever ran through a field of solid toads!? I used to have to cross a field at night and it was FILLED with toads - BIG ones - and it was terrible because it was night and they don't move fast - you end up stepping on the poor things and I don't know if you've ever stepped on a frog or toad but the feeling and sound it makes is terrible. I think I'll always remember crossing that field and never want to ever step on another toad the rest of my life.

Am I the only one that thinks water is just NEAT looking!? I mean - it has no color! It's like liquid glass! Water is so cool!

It seems if you buy certain things you're just bound NOT to use them and end up abandoning them - Bread Making Machines, Exercise Bikes, and Ice Cream making machines. How many people that get bread-making machines use it more than once or twice? How many people use exercise bikes as a place to hang clothes and towels? How many people break out the ice cream making machine and make ice cream when they want some?

What's with the COMMERCIALS at the movie theater? The first time I saw one I cringed - and now they're more and more common. I hate that - TV is free because there's advertising we have to sit through so we can watch it - but we're paying the big bucks to go to a movie and we get advertising thrown at us? WHY? Shouldn't the movie be FREE? You could demand from the theater to know exactly when the actual movie starts to protest the pre-movie commercials - but try getting there RIGHT when the movie starts and you'll not get a good seat or you may may miss out totally. What can we do about these commercials? I think I'll start booing loudly every time one comes on. (yeah then they'll kick you out monkey-boy and you'll see NO movie wise guy!)

Have you ever known someone who is TRULY and genuinely NICE - a person that really and truly loves to be nice, to help others, and has no hidden agendas or motives?

I have that problem where I sometimes go pee at a urinal when another guy comes up to the one next to me - can't do it - I just can't - no matter how badly I have to pee. What's this called? Why does it happen?

Have you noticed it's hard to find a station on TV these days that doesn't put annoying and distracting graphics of some sort at the bottom of the screen - continuously? Not just a quick station logo every so often - but permanent graphics at the bottom of the channel?

Do people who are mentally retarded go through life HAPPY? I have no idea. Do you think that mentally-challenged folks go through their whole lives feeling stoned? Do you think that there are people that are permanently stoned or drunk?

If you're in the bathroom and someone knocks on the door - what do you say? I think I say "I'll be right out!" But I think some folks yell out "Occupied!" - I once knocked on a family member's bathroom door and she called out "Somebody is in here" (I wondered - WHO? :-) Or you could be a little silly and call out "Who's there?" when someone knocks.