tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64471072024-02-28T01:50:53.842-08:00The Monkey CageThis world is just a big monkey cage filled with BILLIONS of screaming, crazy monkeys. This blog is written by just ONE of those monkeys. Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comBlogger412125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-15145799147955251282011-05-23T21:43:00.000-07:002011-05-23T21:44:10.302-07:00:-) HeyThis blog is STILL here!? :-) <br /><br />GOOD - it was fun!Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-60146907822286392602009-09-14T01:23:00.001-07:002009-09-14T01:23:50.752-07:00Hello it's me.:-)<br /><br />Wow.<br /><br />Is this thing on???Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-50906489532822400402007-10-30T10:02:00.000-07:002007-10-30T10:05:50.069-07:00Monkey Does PoetryNose Cut - by Monkey<br /><br />Night...draped over the sleeping Earth like a huge eternal bedspread<br />The moon provides crystal clear visions of beauty despite the blur of time.<br />unfogged untainted love surrounds her face with her hair flowing like a timeless ancient river.<br />Rushing thoughts and stale memories surround our love<br />She strokes my cock gently like the morning sun caressing the dew-covered Earth.<br />I ask her if she'll sit on my face and let me tongue-fuck her while she plays with her clit, she complies.<br />Her womanly juices coat my mouth and face. Flowing. Timeless.<br />A sweet aroma of womanly beauty. Ancient yet new and exciting. Carnal.<br />Her sweet fingers work over her clit and her crimson painted fingernail is scratching my nose but she doesn't realize it.<br />fuck.<br />That hurts. Madness risen from Hell. Pain. Slicing, skin cells screaming silently.<br />I try and move my face away but she is now riding it.<br />Heaving breath and gasps from her mouth above me warn me she is close. Like a distant crash of thunder on the prairie warns of an afternoon storm.<br />Rhythm of love. Nightfall. Panting. Won't this bitch either cum or is her flying fingernail going to scar me for life.<br />She screams out. Ecstasy. Pure. I scream out. Painful. Primal.<br />Then silence falls upon the night as she collapses off of me onto the bed. <br />Silence heavy like the wool of an old sweater finally fills the room.<br />Rushing in the heavy darkness for the bathroom mirror I find a familiar face staring back at me. A face coated in still-fresh juices and sure as fuck there's a scratch on my nose from her stupid Lee Nails.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-53537522274889452492007-10-15T19:55:00.000-07:002007-10-15T20:35:43.791-07:00October 15th, 2009If I ever commit suicide, I'm going to swan dive off of an interstate overpass, that way, weary travelers would say "Holy FUCK! A guy just dived into the freeway!" - this will get them all excited, and more importantly, wake them up so they don't fall asleep at the wheel, that way, my death may save other lives.<br />-----------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were a serial killer and you stabbed someone 47 times because you wanted the press and the police to call you "The 47 Killer" or some other cool serial killer nickname, but you accidentally stabbed someone in the same place twice, and so when they counted they only counted 46 stabs - so you don't get the credit, and you now look like an idiot. Way to go idiot.<br />-----------------------Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-29536647351747473632007-10-05T12:35:00.000-07:002007-10-05T12:39:00.158-07:00October 5th I thinkToday's blog is dedicated to all you women who realize to some guys your ASS and all involved are just as hot as the rest of your sweet parts. (Damn!)<br />----------------------------------------------<br />My girlfriend knows astrology and she said I was a Scorpio, a DOUBLE-Scorpio, and therefore this explains my super-freaky high sex drive. I told her I was a Scorpio with a penis rising. (I guess we're immature also) <br />------------------------------------------------<br /> I think there's two parts of homeschooling that would really really suck;<br />1) You feel kind of bad when you start having hot teacher-student fantasies and popping a woody in class 'cause that's your mother man!<br />2) You can't really go in the bathroom and smoke some Chronic like at a regular school.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-85334411911673095962007-10-03T09:23:00.001-07:002007-10-03T09:48:22.536-07:00Today's October somethingToday's blog is dedicated to that lady down the street with all the cats.<br />----------------<br />I think if a meth cook moved in a few doors down in your neighborhood, instead of bringing over some flowers or cookies for a "welcome to the neighborhood" present it'd be better if you just took your lazy ass over there to say hello and brought over all the sudafed in your house.<br />-----------------<br />I think it'd be confusing if you were locked up in a mental institution and you became really good at dipping your finger in feces and drawing on your walls of your cell and the guards and other patients would say "That looks like shit!" - are they talking about your art or how you did it? This would drive you even further crazy trying to figure this out and you might end up in there even longer buddy boy!Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-5505242965688310932007-10-02T08:32:00.000-07:002007-10-02T08:33:15.867-07:00October 2nd, 1979Today's blog is dedicated to all you Monkey Cage readers who have wondered where the Monkey went. Good question. Starting off slow but gonna get this thing rollin'!<br />--------------------------------------<br />I think if you were one of those mystical magical gurus from India and you were constantly talking about opening your students brown eye instead of their third eye you may lose some "customers"<br />---------------------------------------<br />Monkey Tip of the Day: Why spend all that money on CD burners? Just put the CD into your toaster - they fit in there well and it works!Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1171063083337059712007-02-09T15:16:00.000-08:002007-02-09T15:18:03.360-08:00Today's February 9th, 1964Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Anna Nicole Smith. I fucked her to death.<br />---------------------------------<br />At a friend's house in her bathroom was a can of spray called "After The Rain" - I was thinking a better name for it would be "After The Shit"<br />----------------------------------<br />If I were an old west prospecter 49'er dude, when I went off to work in the morning I'd kiss my wife goodbye and end up down at the Dusty Boot, sippin' whiskey all day and fucking skanky horny-but-ugly bar whores, then I'd go home and say to my wife "I found nothing" - and have her rub my feet - because my dogs are SORE from working that dad-blasted mine all day.<br />---------------------------------<br />When the Monkey was a kid, I'd sometimes snag a quarter out of the collection plate as it went around the church and use it to help me buy cigarettes or weed. Now I know this was very, VERY wrong - because chances are the quarter really was put in there by my brother a few seats down. Sorry brother.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1170670005018479892007-02-05T02:05:00.000-08:002007-02-05T02:06:45.060-08:0002/05/1977Today's blog is dedicated to the yummy Aishwarya Rai of India. The Monkey would drink her bath water.<br />---------------------------------<br />It may SEEM like a good idea, but it's NOT a good idea to pull down that baby-changing station thingy in the ladie's room to take a nappy-nappy at Sears. People get down-right upset about that.<br />---------------------------------<br />So this brother asked me if he could hold five dollars - I said no problem - and then he TOOK the money!<br />---------------------------------<br />If I were that Jesus Christ guy with his connections when new hot chicks showed up in Heaven I'd be like - "I know my Dad says you can on the right side, but he's not around and I swear I'll let you into Heaven if you sit on my face for a moment"?<br />---------------------------------<br />I think if I were ever going to prison for a long time, just for the hell of it I'd see if I could smuggle in a turd - up my ass - to see if they'd catch me in the search, and if I made it inside I'd tell my cell mates - "I smuggled in some really good shit"Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1170406819619119462007-02-02T00:48:00.000-08:002007-02-02T01:00:19.636-08:00A sign of lifeToday's tiny sign-of-life blog is dedicated to YOU<br />-------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were a doctor talking to a patient and you accidently said "...it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.." and then realized the patient you were speaking to had his eye gouged out with a sharp stick.<br />--------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were an old west pioneer headed across the plains and you were getting a nice hot blowjob by your snaggle-toothed bonnet-wearing pioneer wife and that stupid guy "Hoss" you let drive the wagon train hits one of those confounded bumps!Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1166587175738566552006-12-19T19:57:00.000-08:002006-12-19T19:59:35.760-08:0012/19/06Today's blog is dedicated to you women that have the sweet darker colored pussy lips - amost black in parts. Yummy. Short stuff today.<br />---------------------------------<br />Signs the Monkey might be poor: I'm buying coffee - I buy the "three for $5.00 coffee and the labels is something like "Jim & Carl's Coffee - Good Value since 1862" - not "good COFFEE since 1862 but good VALUE! <br />---------------------------------<br />I think it'd be funny if I were a clown in the circus if I drove out in the middle of the big top in one of those fucked-up clown cars, and I got out of it, and my clown buddy got out of it too. Get it? Only TWO clowns get out of the clown car!?<br />----------------------------------<br />I also think it'd be funny to drive that same clown car into the middle of the big top, and then have my clown girlfriend with the bright orange hair start gobbling away at my big hard clown cock, with her head bobbing up and down (sure some kids in the audience would be shocked, but what the fuck it'd be funny and I'd cum on her pretty red clown nose.<br />---------------------------------<br />I'd like to get ahold of one of those little fuckin' hot spoiled Hollywood brat young ladies like Parisite Hilton or Sarah Jessica Parker, and show 'em what lovin's all about: from a 42 year old horny hard-core southern gentleman workin' class monkey slut for one weekend and they'd leave Hollywood for workin' class America in a heartbeat.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1165995899016257112006-12-12T23:42:00.000-08:002006-12-12T23:44:59.033-08:00Almost Christmas?Today's blog is dedicated to you women who wear your sexy hot high-heeled boots even in the winter for us perverts.<br />---------------------------------<br />I think if you were a devil down in Hell, it would suck if you accidently told your devil friends that you wanted to be called by the cool nickname "Dirt" - because although it sounds cool, you'd get tired of the "Dirt Devil" cracks from the other devils and them saying you suck.<br />---------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were in the Old West and you worked for the local undertaker and it was YOUR job to run out in the middle of gun fights to measure dead cowboys for coffins.<br />----------------------------------<br />If you drove around in an Albertsons car, every time you went to Albertsons to shop the cashier would ask "Do you have an Albertsons Card" and you'd be like "Yeah I DO!" (thinking they said "Albertsons CAR") it'd get confusing as hell and you'd end up selling the car. It was lame anyway.<br />----------------------------------<br />In the Christian Bible they always talk about how great heaven is, but in Country songs they always sing about the mythical "Whiskey River" and honkey tonk bars.<br />----------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were calling the FedEx automated package tracking system on the phone and you had to enter the tracking number: 2299388111000033399972618472937261728399271111882873728370044837329 followed by the # sign.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1165340647605001102006-12-05T09:43:00.000-08:002006-12-05T09:44:07.643-08:0012/06 1943Today's short blog is dedicated to Sparks. What a drink.<br />---------------------------------<br />I think if you were a girl born with eight vaginas - at first you'd think it sucked to be you, and you'd cry yourself to sleep each night - but I think within a few years you'd be proud of it and actually traveling with the circus as "The Amazing Octopuss" girl. (thanks Lynn!)<br />---------------------------------<br />There's always someone at work who when they sit down to eat lunch has to make a big production out of bowing their heads, closing their eyes, and giving thanks to their god. And I give thanks to their god also because THIS is when the Monkey moves in swiftly and silently from across the cafeteria and steal their food.<br />---------------------------------<br />Dear Moody Blues: Why in the FUCK are you singing about knights in white satin?<br />----------------------------------<br />So I realize the other day I'm out of money and my cat is crying she wants food. Oops. I thought how cats LOVE fish, and fish eat fish food, so I personally thought it was brilliant when I came up with giving the cat some fish food...and dogs love peanut butter (no comment) so why wouldn't a cat!? I was proud of myself but the next morning what was still in "Osama Bin Kitty's" food bowl untouched?? Fish food and peanut butter! Finicky bitch.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1164643484445165592006-11-27T08:04:00.000-08:002006-11-27T08:04:44.473-08:0011/27 2009Today's blog is dedicated to yer Mama. All silly repeats today.<br />---------------------------------<br />Signs you may be in a nasty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it in human shit with their finger<br />---------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”<br />---------------------------------<br />I think one part of the Americana Hobo history that doesn't get glorified (or even mentioned) is the days when the hobos on the train would gather in the box car and suck each other's wine/urine/sweat smelling nasty hobo cocks.<br />----------------------------------<br />I think back in the old days if your friends showed up at your house and said "You wanna go get stoned?" - you'd have to be careful..."You mean....with rocks?" you better ask.<br />--------------------------------<br />If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.<br />---------------------------------<br />I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1163610703384667602006-11-15T09:07:00.000-08:002006-11-15T09:16:08.573-08:0011/15/06 - Butterbean returnsI realized it's been many mango seasons since I've told the infamous story of Butterbean - long-time readers I KNOW it's one of your favorite Monkey stories - and so I tell it again this Wednesday morning. And if it's a new story to you, you'll enjoy sipping your morning coffee while reading it - I feel sure. Gather around children, and listen to the tale of Butterbean:<br /><br />I had a redneck friend growing up that had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean" <br /><br />WHY did they call him Butterbean? <br /><br />Because he made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried anal sex. He said everything was cool until he pulled it out and found an actual real-life butterbean stuck on the end of his dick. <br /><br />From this day forward this guy was forever known as "Butterbean - I don't even remember what his real name WAS.<br /><br />Guys - don't tell your buddies stuff like that - okay?Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1163443926096406892006-11-13T10:51:00.000-08:002006-11-13T10:52:06.116-08:0011/13/07Today's blog is dedicated to Glen Campbell, when I was a little Monkey, my mother just LOVED Glen Campbell, and I didn't really get it. Now I hear some of his music and say "Wow!" Thanks Mama! Half new today!<br />--------------------------------<br />If I were a cat, instead of covering my poop in my litter box with the littr, I'd scratch and throw my poop outside of the litter box! I'd bet my owners would think this gag was HILARIOUS!<br />---------------------------------<br />If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course REALLY I’d be ready to get up and pray with them – but this would be a great way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.)<br />---------------------------------<br />So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!? (But I went out anyway like a good Monkey)<br />--------------------------------<br />Ladies, when we're eating your pussies here's the deal: have the pillow down there IMMEDIATELY for us to prop under your ass for better access to your sweetness - don't make us waste precious seconds by having to ask for it.<br />---------------------------------<br />So Saturday night I told that hot bartender lady that I really wanted to have sex on the beach, and she brought me a drink, so I took my drink down to the beach and waited for her all night but she never showed up. Bitch.<br />----------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were one of those Nazi dudes and you had the arm band SS insignia patch and your dumb blonde wife Gertrude had accidently sewn it on sideways and it said "MM", and you were meeting with Hitler in a meeting that very morning, Hitler wouldn't be amused and he'd yell and scream "What the fuck ist dis!!!? Was IST DIS!!?"Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1163093618500348812006-11-09T09:33:00.000-08:002006-11-09T09:33:38.533-08:00Monkey BirthdayToday's blog is dedicated to you - putting up with repeats yet again.<br />---------------------------------<br />Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!<br />---------------------------------<br />If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?<br />---------------------------------<br />If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!<br />----------------------------------<br />The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.<br />--------------------------------<br />How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.<br />---------------------------------<br />If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get by nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she'd jump but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd make those really cool clicking sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.<br />---------------------------------<br />If I ran a dildo manufacturing factory when I fired people I'd say - "You just don't know dick"<br />----------------------------------<br />I was in a bar the other night where they have those young beautiful bouncing "barely-legal" eye candy bartenders and she brings me a drink she'd invented for me to try. I take a sip - it sucked. (But of course I told the poor thing it was "Great!") and asked the name - get this now - "Citron My Face"Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1162803897019584612006-11-06T00:58:00.000-08:002006-11-06T01:04:57.040-08:0011/06/06Today's blog is dedicated to Vanessa Marcil<br />---------------------------------<br />I've been learning about Astronomy lately - and guess what - on Jupiter I weigh 482.5 lbs!!! (Unless maybe those scales there were wrong!?)<br />----------------------------------<br />I think if you were a kid, and were very lonely, with no real adult interaction or friends - it'd probably NOT a good thing to go to Adult Friend Finder to find one...<br />--------------------------------<br />I'm thinking Thomas Edison probably thought he was just the coolest with his new Electric Light invention but the fun and games were over quickly when he got that first electric bill!<br />---------------------------------<br />That Visa lady on the phone doesn't much care for it when she says "Mr. Monkey when can we expect a full payment from you sir?" and I answer "When can I expect YOU to slobber and suck on my big 9 inch fat swollen Monkey cock ma'am"<br />----------------------------------<br />Okay since I'm doing Thomas Edison bits I bring out an old favorite: If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.<br />-------------------------------<br />My favorite confession from today's <a href="http://grouphug.us/" target="_blank">Grouphug</a> <i>" Once i was rally drunk I was going to buy a pack of smokes, instead I must have gone a very wrong direction, becasuse the next morning I woke up in a field with cows." </i> (Yeah whatever, we've all been found in a field of cows the next morning - and we all try that 'wrong turn looking for the store' excuse - Monkey<br />-------------------------------<br />Folks at your work will love you if you cook your bag of popcorn in the microwave for 9 minutes on high power - then take the smoldering, smoking bag to your desk and actually start eating it.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1162316659628220252006-10-31T09:41:00.000-08:002006-11-01T11:39:33.776-08:00Halloween, 2006Today's blog is dedicated to all the people tonight who later on will be GOBLIN on their mates. ONE new one today the rest is repeats. <br />-------------------------------------<br />If I were a tightrope walker in the circus my theme song that would play when I came out would be a remake of a Johnny Cash hit - modified - "I Walk The Twine"<br />----------------------------------<br />A survey by the American Psychological Society says this is the most memorable moment in any person's life is a person's first kiss. I have to agree - I'll never forget her - she was dark haired...the most beautiful eyes..intelligent...sensual. I kissed her and she kissed me back - with tongue! Unfortunately it wasn't a long kiss because my mother interrupted us - she'd seen us from the kitchen window "Get away from that dog!!!" she yelled.<br />--------------------------------<br />If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?" you'd scream<br />-------------------------------------------<br />I've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"<br />----------------------------------<br />Bad phone/cyber sex:<br />Guy: "So baby tell me what you're wearing right now?"<br />Girl: "I'm wearing a red flannel nightgown that I got online from Sears. It's 100% soft cotton flannel and I got it on sale the other day when my friend Jackie and I went shopping at the Bridgewood Mall over on Carson street. She said it was too much, even on sale, but she always says shit like that. They had sold out on all the pink ones or so they SAY. I asked the sales clerk if she minded checking in the back for pink ones and she was like..."I GUESS" and rolled her eyes. She went away for about five seconds and was back. I know damned well she didn't go check. And Jackie said she saw her just walk over and talk to another bitch sales clerk for a few seconds and then came back. After that I was tempted to not buy anything there, but the red one wasn't so bad and I'd just paid some on my Sears card so I did have credit."<br />Girl: You there?<br />Girl: Hello?Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1161855911394662182006-10-26T02:44:00.000-07:002006-10-26T02:47:00.146-07:0010/26Today's blog is dedicated to the Allman Brothers. (And to Paul, the Indian kid)<br />---------------------------------<br />If I were ever a screw - I've decided I would not want to be that screw that holds the little drain thing down in the bottom of a urinal. People purposely pee on your head.<br />----------------------------------<br />My favorite confession from today's <a href="http://grouphug.us/" target="_blank">Grouphug</a> <i>"there's this indian kid i know named paul... man what a jerk. sometimes i just want to smash his face in."</i><br />------------------------------------------<br />Doesn't it suck when you're paying $5.99 a minute for hot phone sex and she says she's laying on her bed doing herself hard with a big glass dildo and you hear a voice on her end of the phone saying "Ma'am that's a Whopper Jr., large fries and a large vanilla shake, please drive around to the window for your total" What a rippy-jip!<br />-------------------------------------------<br />We've had Johnny Cash, a Johnny Paycheck, I'm thinking of moving to Nashville as country singer "Johnny Credit Card" (do you think audiences will accept me or will I be declined?)<br />----------------------------------<br />I'm thinking if you were an official US Census Taker and you went around telling women "This year we have to actually see and count each nipple in your household" you may not get away with it.<br />--------------------------------<br />Those guys in the "Everything's a Dollar" store DON'T think it's funny when you continuously call them over and ask the price of stuff - nor do they like it when you ask where their LCD flat screen TV's are. Jeez - lighten UP will ya!?<br />-------------------------------<br />Example of how ONE person can ruin it for ALL of us: Because ONE guy decides he's gonna go on a McDonald's-only diet, make a movie, and get rich, the rest of us can't Super-Size our meals there anymore. Thanks a LOT asshole.<br />-------------------------------<br />I'm trying to find a "Boston Limited Osciloscope Works" (BLOW) in the phone book just so I can call their HR department and tell the lady I could really use a Blow job and I think she's just the lady to give me one - I'll tell her I've heard she gives the best blow jobs in the entire state and that I'm flying to Boston to her office just for one of her blow jobs.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1161581856758295852006-10-22T22:31:00.000-07:002006-10-22T22:56:34.736-07:0010/23 2006Today's blog is dedicated to Jessica Alba - not really all of her - just her ass. Older favorite <i>"I think It would suck..." </i>posts today.<br />---------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidently called her "Butterfish"<br />----------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.<br />---------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were born with three arms, and you grew up in a small Nevada town next to an abandoned US Nuclear Testing Facility - and you were crying all the time because of your three arms and screaming "WHY!? Oh God in heaven WHY!? WHYYY!!" - but all the other neighbors and family were also fucked up and deformed and they'd be like "Look homey - you gots to DEAL with that shit man you know what I'm saying? We're ALL deformed in this town yo!" And sure enough you look around and there's people with three heads, people with NO arms but only fingers, no feet, etc. But you want to feel "special" and want sympathy so you have to move to another town where you're the only "freak" around.<br />----------------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were a little girl and went to see your grandfather and you walked into his house and he was sitting at the computer logged into pornotube.com and he had his old man trousers around his ankles and was jacking off and he's so deaf he didn't even hear you come in.<br />--------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”<br />--------------------------------<br />I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous “Christian Rock” band and you were back stage getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, but your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"<br />--------------------------------<br />I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – but you’d KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their ignorant faces every now and again.<br />--------------------------------<br />I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?<br />--------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were a Blood but you had some sort of weird hand deformity and every time you flashed the Blood gang sign in the hood to your gang-bangin' homeys it looked WAY too much like the Crip sign.<br />--------------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1161073993858967232006-10-17T01:32:00.000-07:002006-10-18T00:17:35.140-07:00It's 10/18/06 out there....Today's blog is dedicated to Cassia Riley - 'nuff said. New stuff today (Note I didn't say GOOD stuff!) <b> WTF? Why is this login box coming up on my blog? Anyone have any ideas what that is? 67.15.255.4 Realm: cPanel WTF? Leave a comment please if you've any ideas. </b><br />---------------------------------<br />Fun in real life: So I'm setting up my password on a web site:<br />Web site: "In case you lose or misplace your password, please answer this security question: What was your favorite pet's name?"<br />Monkey: "SAM"<br />Web Site: "Sorry answers must be between 7-14 characters in length. Please try again."<br />Monkey: "SAAAAAAM?"<br />----------------------------------<br />I think it might be awkward if you were the CEO of the "Bust a Nut on a Slut" website and it was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"<br />---------------------------------<br />Heard one of them-there rap-songs today: <i>"Even though I can call a whole heep a burdans, I know there's a bunch of blessings as well. I remember when I had to sleep on benches, straight rob motherfuckers and leap over fences In a single bound, I wish my mama could see me now. Ain't no detectives trying to see me now, with no rival gangs trying to beat me down. It's MTV and BET now, and ain't no mo' regular weed ain't nothing but the best herb. With a grandaddy size cup of codiene, straight eight over ice nigga yes sir I'm leaning like I need a V8, representing for the 3rd Coast" </i> And I stopped in a somber Monkey moment...to reflect on how these words pertain to my OWN life - and I came to the conclusion that...they didn't.<br />----------------------------------------<br />I think if my name were Carrie and I went into porn I'd be "Carrie Underwear" Yeahhhh!<br />---------------------------------<br />Things that make the Monkey sad: There are women out there; grown, adult women, who have never in their lives truly had their pussies eaten - not just a quick little obligatory lick or two, ('cause you think she'll return the favor for that!) but truly WORSHIPED and MADE LOVE TO for hours at a time by a devoted, experienced, talented mouth. This is not something you LEARN to do cowboy - you're BORN with it like Leonardo was born to paint, and you either got it or you don't.<br />-------------------------------<br />I think if you were a new pirate on the pirate ship and the head pirate called out to you "Arrgh - raise the Jolly Roger!!!" and you thought he meant to pull out your penis and hold it up proudly you may end up walking the plank pretty quickly buddy!!! Get your act together will ya!??!<br />-------------------------------<br />I think a good time to murder your entire family with an axe would be on Halloween night - cause you could even leave their bodies on the front lawn and all the neighborhood kids would be like "Dude your display is SICK man way to go!!!" and high-fiving you and you might even win your neighborhood's Halloween Decorating Award for 2006. Too bad you can't share it the next day with your family. Asshole.Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1160590501895185872006-10-11T11:14:00.000-07:002006-10-11T11:15:01.943-07:0010/11/12Today's blog is dedicated to that guy in the Pink Floyd song "HEY YOU" - the guy who is "out there beyond the wall, breaking bottles in the hall" You gotta love people that are out there in the hall breaking bottles on walls. (Unless you walk around barefoot a lot)Could there be a few repeats in today's post? Only the old-timer Monkey Cage readers can say for sure.<br />---------------------------------<br />I'd like to see a road that is built with a sign that warns "Road Narrows" - with thick trees on both sides of the road, I'd like to see the road actually start to narrow down until it disappears. I think it would be great fun - sure folks would be angry about it at first when their cars get crushed between trees - but later I think they'd have a good chuckle about it.<br />----------------------------------<br />"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Visa payment this month is late?" I USED to answer with what they want to hear: "It was on oversight, sorry, I'll mail it tomorrow" Fuck that - I've learned I have much more fun with something like:<br />"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Ford payment this month is late?"<br />"It's late because I'm a slacker...I could've mailed it Wednesday night, but was too tired after work to fuck with it. And then Thursday night I ended up going over to the bar and knocking back some Yaeger shots and when I got home I was a bit too wasted to sit down with the bills and besides I had me a nice little drunk MILF that came home with me. Friday night I was fucking around reading blogs and found a little surprise pot in a drawer I didn't know I had, smoked that and watched the History Channel and fell asleep on the couch...and then...."<br />---------------------------------<br />I think it would suck if you were in West Virginia and you were fucking your sister one night and then the next morning your mama told one of you to take out the trash and you and your sister got into a big fight about who had to do it and who did it last. It’d kind of be a bummer to fight with her after last night.<br />---------------------------------<br />I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?<br />--------------------------------<br />Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Devout Man" (R) - the touching true story of a man who goes to his local church, gets down on his knees to pray, has a heart attack, and dies in that position, but no one knows he's dead - they think he's praying. Watch as his family and friends leave him alone - watch as the preacher is impressed with this man's dedication and even leaves the light on at night in the church. Impressed but concerned, his family and other church members bring him food and water - but he is only interested in praying. (2 hrs, 20 min Adult themes, drug use, violence, adult lang. Sodomy)Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1160379782416448682006-10-09T00:40:00.000-07:002006-10-09T01:00:38.543-07:00Today must be 10/9/06Today's (repeat) blog is dedicated to Katie Holmes - Katie I told you last night I'd dedicate my next blog to you and now I'm doing it! This one's for you. Some of my favorites today.<br />---------------------<br />When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.<br />---------------------<br />(And that was home schooling)<br />---------------------<br />Monkey Movie Idea of the Day (2): "Bi-Polar" (PG-17) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)<br />---------------------<br />My grandmother was always allowed to go around the house farting and it was excused because she'd say "Goodness! This medication!" (But when I try it in my house and add "Goodness! This beer!" - it's not acceptable. I don't get it.)<br />---------------------<br />Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:<br />August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"<br />----------------------<br />If you were a cat, working as slave labor in an evil Chinese cat-toy factory - I'll bet if they caught you even ONCE batting at the toys on the assembly line you'd be Factory Manager Wong Lee's DINNER that night buddy!! Quit fucking around!!<br />----------------------<br />If I were a fish in someone's aquarium, I'd wait until one of my buddies had one of those really long string turds hanging from his ass, as we fish do, and I'd swim up and do trapeze tricks on it.<br />-----------------------<br />If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get my nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she might be startled, but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd start making those really cool clicking dolphin sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.<br />---------------------<br />I think one part about being in Heaven we don't hear much about it is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suckMonkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6447107.post-1160027047702741472006-10-04T22:43:00.000-07:002006-10-04T22:50:47.890-07:0010/5/09Today's blog is dedicated to Astro-Glide™, if you've ever tasted KY® on her, you'll agree that Astro-Glide™ wins the taste test! (Only two repeats today!)<br />---------------------------------<br />I think it would totally suck if you had one of those styrofoam fake boulders and you threw it up in the air to let it land on your head to be funny and your friend the witch turned it into a REAL boulder in mid-air because she thought THAT would be funny.<br />----------------------------------<br />My favorite confession from today's <a href="http://grouphug.us/" target="_blank">Grouphug</a> <i>"I'm 29 years old, and obsessed with cannibalism. Back at university, a group of students were holding a gathering, and one guy had chopped his finger off - we all tried a bit, and I immediately realised this is something I want to do in life. Since then, I have tried a bit of arm, and part of a toe."</i> (That's nuthin' cowboy, I've been earing pussy for years - Monkey)<br />------------------------------------------<br />If I had a little penis and I was going bald, I'd probably love checking my email because there's so many cures for both out there.<br />------------------------------------------<br />So here I am, watching my lady try on clothes - there's nothing more beautiful than watching your lady try on clothes, I'm really getting into it as she wiggles her beautiful sweet ass out of her pants, when she suddenly looks down, sees me, and runs away to tell Target management! (Lessons the Monkey learned; She wasn't really my lady after all, and you're not supposed to peek under the partitions in the changing rooms!)<br />-------------------------------------------<br />If I saw a guy holding a cardboard sign down on the corner at Wal*Mart that said "Will work for food, gas money, sex, beer, and shelter" I'd yell out of my car to him - "That's what we ALL do asshole! It's called LIFE!"<br />------------------------------------------<br />Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.<br />----------------------------------<br />Signs you grew up poor white trash: You can remember ONE of your redneck racist stepfathers had a sawed-off table leg behind the seat of his pick-up truck and he proudly called it a “Nigger Knocker”<br />----------------------------------<br />I have one of those clocks that's an "atomic clock" and the cat knocked it over the other day - I just know I'm gonna end up with Cancer.....Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16019908178399079421noreply@blogger.com